Original subtitles

Our mission continues as we search for the whereabouts

of the Reptids and their mothership.

I'm worried about the sanity of my crew.

They're all losing focus and reprimands are on an increase.

I've just had to confiscate something called an X-Box from Dottie's quarters.

Let's just have a listen to what Mindy's got to say on one of these.

Whenever I want some attention,

he seems more interested in beating someone up than showing me any kind of love.

But don't you understand?

I love you, Mork. I want to settle down with you. Why don't you love me?

Who would believe that so many alien ships from so many galaxies visited Earth?

Donny.

Didn't we wipe them out?

Ah, yes, and we did destroy the entire race, but that was in the future,

so that wouldn't have happened yet as we are now in the past,

and therefore they are still very much here and still very much alive.

Daddy, trying to make sense of temporal mechanics is

just going to put a fuse in your submatrix again,

and we only recently repaired it,

so could you just do me one little favor and don't think.

We are sorry, Captain.

It seems we're having enough trouble as it is adjusting to our emotions,

let alone what time period it is.

However, after accessing our records,

it would appear to us that aliens have been

visiting the Earth for thousands of years.

That would explain Oprah. Even dealing in plants and mineral life.

How interesting.

I just want to know where the Reptid Terrorists are hiding out.

Well, we're trying to locate them. But it's not easy.

Alien abductions and sightings are rife in this time period. They could be anywhere.

And since we can't locate the Reptid ship,

it's either not on Earth or it's time-slipped.

Captain? Yep?

Permission to return to Earth and take some more readings?

Eh, that won't be necessary, little chief.

I just had this feeling that we're missing something.

This is just so frustrating.

I refuse to give in to this affliction.

It'll take more than a reptid to force me to

my knees. Just calm down, woof, all right?

Look, we're all affected by what these reptids did to us,

but you've just got to learn how to keep your emotions in control.

Look, you're just too low-ranked for me to

worry about every moment you're on patrol.

But I can give it up.

I can spend my time doing something else.

I'm very adaptable.

No, it won't work. It's for the best.

Classy, Cropper. What? Oh, sit on it. Get a grip.

I've just been practicing my sawing and stitchy-stitch

routine on one of Woolf's victims.

My, my, what a temper you have, Woolf. No wonder your kind destroyed each other.

Oh, now, now, now. Doctor, do you have any good news for us?

Well, I know you've all been feeling a little stranger recently.

So what do you want us to do about it, Doctor?

Let me finish, my angry, big, breasted friend.

Don't push your luck, Doctor.

Yes.

Well, the question is, what do we do next?

Well, we have been scanning the Earth's surface for signals,

and we have found that...

Two chickens, a little red wine.

The leopard approaches its prey stealthily, cautiously.

He shoves the worm onto the edge of the fishing hook. Now,

you've got yourself a dank and butter bite there, Steve.

And alas, tonight, it's still raining. Fueling for medical research, of course.

Several locations have been found where such

alien communications take place regularly.

This could indicate a meeting place for the reptids. Why,

that's absolutely wizard news, Dottie. News?

Ah, my news.

Yes, I remember in my youth.

Oh, my sweet youth.

I remember when I was at the Senate College for

those of extremely inquisitive intelligence.

Oh, out with it, Doctor. Captain, please.

We're on the bridge.

Out with what you have to say.

Oh, what I have to say, yes.

Well, we were told stories about when aliens

visited the Earth and worked undercover.

They liked probing and poking all manner of creatures.

Female bovines were particularly popular.

These aliens were masterminds. They were lords, sentinels, knights, immortals,

whose souls ruled forever.

Mommy, is there something else you wanted to share, Doctor?

Captain, please, not in front of the crew.

But don't worry, if we could find an alien information database,

we could locate a cure, and then we could be back to our logical, boring,

stuffy old cells in no time.

Cropper, did you hear anything he said?

He's got a point, Captain.

Yeah, but his doesn't preoccupy him, duh.

Well, maybe we do need to go to the surface and take those readings after all.

I agree, Chief, and Stryker was right.

If we could scan the alien hub below, and with the help of the computer,

we could probably narrow down the location,

and then we could go down there and check it out. Get on it, Donnie!

Aye, aye, Captain.

We're going this way, not this way.

I'm sorry, Wolf.

I didn't mean to.

Don't be angry, Wolf.

Not with us. We're just the maintenance correction facilitator engineers.

You know we wouldn't do anything to offend you.

What is it?

Hologram?

May I advise you, Captain, that it may be advisable not to trust the computer,

considering its present state of emotional fragmentation.

Oh, I see. So you think I should override the computer and give control to you?

Is that it? Is that a hologram?

Huh? Huh? Huh?

How do I know you're not affected, huh?

I am totally independent of the ship and have no human emotion.

Apart from Dottie's android side and myself, of course.

Everyone and everything seems to be mentally and emotionally unstable, Captain.

I see your point, hologram.

Stick around in case I need you.

Of course, Captain.

You can rely on me.

Because you would not like it when I am angry!

For a moment there, Reginald Duck, I thought you'd upset her.

Yes?

I think we need to discuss your earlier behaviour on the bridge.

My honour was insulted.

Easy, Wu. Calm down.

How can you ask me to calm down?

You can't keep putting crew members in sickbay.

My ancestors would have ripped his arms out of his bloody

sockets and beaten him to death with his own bloody limbs.

Calm!

This is calm!

Captain's going to put you in the brig.

He should not have done what he did.

My ancestors would have tortured him for weeks,

keeping him alive only to feel the pain of the hanker beast's leather whip.

Striking against his naked, torn flesh,

then to have taklava worms eating into his face and his neck,

and working their way to his optic nerve.

He spilt your coffee!

It was good coffee.

No, we shouldn't.

I promise I'll call.

Can I borrow that chair?

Captain, we have isolated and traced the location of a powerful

alien individual whose life pattern is unrecognizable.

I don't know, Dottie. Do you think it's worth investigating? We do, Captain.

We've also located a reptid in the nearby vicinity. Hmm.

Have Chief Engineer Sally put together a landing party for an investigation.

Make sure they look inconspicuous.

Sally and I have designed these special visors to fit in with 21st century fashion.

That way you can use your gauntlet without being detected.

Now remember to set your gauntlets onto alien detection, not x-ray.

We want to know who we're looking at, not what they have in their pants.

Are you listening to me, cropper?

They seem to be working. So, Mr. Christian,

the Molliport is fully operational, correct?

Sure is, Captain.

Excellent. I certainly wouldn't want to end up with a foreign body in my body.

There you go again, Captain. Wishful thinking. Focus on your objective.

That is not what I meant, Doctor. I...

Where's everybody?

Well, it appears that Molly's still working.

All right, gather around.

It appears that what we're looking for is this way. So

guys, you stay in the store. Ladies, you're with me.

What do you people want? This area is forbidden.

Go. Now.

Or suffer the consequences of your misguided curiosity.

What are you doing? Don't you know the first lesson of combat?

You never make the first move. I'm supposed to know that.

Damn it, Will. I'm an engineer, not a bouncer.

We're looking for something, and we believe it's in this immediate area.

Will you and your men please step aside?

I am Jill, guardian to the mighty Oracle.

No one can do it. Except...

We'll need it.

I've had enough of this. No, no, no, no. Nothing to see.

Who are you, and how dare you barge in on my 2025th birthday?

I think I'd like to know who you are first, old man.

Ah, the impatience of youth.

I am the oracle to the Lord of Pyramids,

the son of he who created and stopped the earth from shaking.

Yada, yada, yada. Okay, the name's Blowhard. Captain Belinda Blowhard.

Your cyborg is choking!

You think I'd fall for that one? We're from the distant future, pal.

You think I'd fall for that old chestnut?

Your cyborg is choking on my cake!

Dottie, how many times do we have to tell you?

If you shove it in your mouth all at once, it will make you choke.

Captain.

We're receiving very strange readings from this room.

We'll have them analyzed and send them back to the ship's computer.

Do you think all of us could just focus here for a second?

Sir, I think that you can help us.

We need to find a way to reverse something that the Reptids have done to us.

I know what you desire.

I know everything.

Well, if you know everything, then how come you didn't know who we were?

Is that chocolate cake?

Disturbing my birthday? Well, just my jolly question.

I will tell you what you want to know. Even cut it onto a CD for you.

Will you please leave my cake alone?

I... I...

Don't thank me. I know I saved the day. He looked bloody dangerous.

Oi!

That hurt!

When you stop shooting, you'll never know anything.

Captain, I've been watching the data from Dottie,

and there's just been a large energy peak from your location.

The room you are in is in fact a ship, and it's getting ready to take off.

I suggest you leave the vicinity.

In 30 seconds, we'll be gone from the primitive jack-offs.

Where's the disk?

Let's go.

Fully interactive man.

Ox, we're out of here.

Right, Dottie.

Access that data and find us a cure.

We believe it to be in code.

It seems to be in some format that our equipment cannot read properly.

I don't get it.

Neither do I. But I'm going to.

Dottie, turn it off. I haven't finished my popcorn yet.

Somebody bring me that Reptid. Maybe he has some more useful information for me.

I will tell you nothing.

You're going to end up with me for two hours with just my

hankered beast's leather whip striking against your naked, torn flesh.

I'll tell you everything you need to know.

I want to know your plans for my people and a cure for the

damage that you've done to our neurological pathways.

Tammy, I'm a cook, not a neuropsychologist. A cook? Really?

You must be able to make those fantastic cakes.

We believe we could grow fond of eating such desserts.

Deserts.

You could die in those places.

From scanning our internal biomechanisms, it would appear to us, to bake a cake,

one would require 175 grams of butter, 175 grams of caster sugar,

four eggs beaten lightly.

Poor bastards. Donny!

Enough!

Just store the recipe in your memory banks, and we'll

discuss it later, okay? Put it down, please.

No!

I want that information, I want it now! Dottie,

can you get me that disk I'd like to further

evaluate at my quarters? Thank you very much.

All right, where is your ship hiding, Repton? What were you doing in that shop,

and what are your plans? Dottie, the disk! Fine, I'll tell you everything,

even the web as far as ship.

You see, I knew you were more than just a cook!

Cropper, help her get the disk!

Bravo, Zulu Cropper. Excellent work. You've been

a tremendous help today. That is not fair.

I'm going to go and do something.

Excellent idea.

Why me?

Why now?

Dottie, arrange for somebody to clean up this mess.

Why us? Why now?

Sally, clean it up.

This thing had better still play.

Oh my goodness, that's not in the rule book. Here, we have rooms for that.

Music centre.

Can I have soft music?

Turn the lights.

I'll take you higher.

Oh, did your mind go down on you? Yeah, I think you've got a puncture.

© transcript Emily Beynon