Original subtitles

It's been four weeks since we time-slipped.

The crew is getting more and more distracted by our awakened emotions. Dr.

Stryker has recommended that every crew member undergoes a

psychological evaluation to explore these latent feelings.

The only thing is, who's to say the Doctor's not the craziest one of us all?

Reg! Reg, look, it's the Vermilion Goober Hog!

I'll get it!

Hello, Commander.

I don't suppose you see my little furry animal?

So how long have you had this craving for chocolate, Captain?

I don't really want to talk about it, Doctor.

It's just so... so... Smooth?

Hard?

Delicious?

Smooth, hard, delicious, addictive. It's like, you know,

I just can't even get enough of it.

Really? Oh, sorry. I was thinking about something else.

So it's addictively chocolatey.

Exactly.

What's going to happen to me, Doctor?

Am I going to end up some lonely woman sitting in my room,

eating my way through the ship's chocolate supply until I explode?

No, no. As you said, you're obviously not getting enough.

You must have it when you want it, and then the more you have, the less you'll want.

You know...

I could solve two of my problems if I had a man made out of chocolate.

Well, not if he melts before you... Right, it's up.

Time, that is. Now, you need to sculpt a man out of chocolate,

keep your room temperature down, and forget about counting calories. Now,

if you'll excuse me, I have to go over Nurse Beach.

No, I have to go over these reports with Nurse Beach.

Page one.

It was fun, but we've got to move on.

Move on to a higher level.

But we can't. We're on the bridge.

Yeah, I love you.

Copper, are you a complete idiot, or do you just enjoy torturing those women?

You see what she was like?

What?

Too possessive.

Schmuck.

Captain?

I need to speak with you.

Now.

Well, yeah, now's a good time, Sally. Your place or mine?

I'm on my way up, Captain.

Hello, Captain. What is it, computer? I've detected

a fast-moving ship. What is it, Dotty?

A Class 2 Viper from our time period. Only one crew member on board.

We're going to have to move fast to catch it. Proper track it and intercept.

Aye, aye, Captain.

What if it goes to quantum speed before we can intercept?

Then we track it and follow. It can run, but

it can't hide. Dottie, follow that Viper.

We're onto it, Captain.

Bridge. How about blackjack?

Bridge.

How about strip poker?

Listen, if you don't take me to the bridge right now,

I'm going to rip out your hard drive, tear open your flanges,

and step all over your floppies.

With an inflated calculator.

Aren't we obsessed with inflatables lately?

Don't touch me like that, you'll blow my matrix.

Oh, will I?

Oh, I'm really sorry.

Maybe this'll help.

Okay, the bridge it is.

Ah, pop your top off. What took you so long? Sorry, Captain.

It was a bit of a wrench.

But I'm here now.

I'm forever blowing bubbles. Computer!

Or especially for some... I'm learning you, you piece of...

Knock it off, computer. Oh, very well.

Someone sabotaged the Molliport. Good thing it wasn't

the tuna. Can you fix it? Of course I can, Mom.

But it may take some time, and I don't know about you,

but I'd like to know who sabotaged it. Wolf.

Maybe that's something that you could sink your teeth into?

Don't tempt me. Ox can find out who it was,

and I'll interrogate them after I've blown up this viper. Well,

let's get on with it, people. This isn't a picnic.

Where are you going, Papi Topo? I'll take the stairs.

The lift's a little, uh, uppity.

The Viper is accelerating, Captain.

Can we intercept? Negative, Captain.

Too late. It hit quantum speed. Well, then hit quantum engines. Aye, aye, Captain.

Nadia, where are we?

We are at the location formerly known as the Pandora system. Pandora.

Pandora, Pandora, Pandora. Didn't we destroy them? Yes, we did, Captain.

But if it's still here, and they're alive and not dead,

then that means that they could escape, and then

they could take over the world, and we could die.

The important thing is not to panic. The important thing is not to panic.

The important thing is not...

Darling, better?

Much. Thank you, Captain. Where was I?

Oh, doesn't it look simply polka-trudeness?

What?

Pretty.

Oh, right. Well, there's a mining colony, but what would the Reptids want here?

That's what we're trying to find out.

Shall I form a tactical assault unit, Captain?

No, Woof. We have nothing to fear over a lone reptid and a viper, too.

We must be ready, Captain.

Woof is right. Yes, and I'm the captain, okay?

Scan, Dotty. Dotty, I said scan, not scat. Sorry, Captain.

Computer! Our shields are down.

Hologram, what is going on around here?

Sabotage, Captain.

But you might like to reflect upon what I suggested to you earlier.

That it might be better to replace the computer with me,

thus giving you the time and opportunity to check out the computer's mainframe.

Oh no, I'm sane, believe me. My mainframe is in perfect shape.

So are you suggesting that the computer is deliberately messing with herself?

Never, Belinda. I'm not that sort of computer.

It's a possibility, Captain, and as we could be attacked at any moment,

it may be prudent to take note of my warning.

Captain, there's another ship entering the system on

the same trajectory as ours. Hologram dismissed.

Dottie, scan it. Is it from Earth?

A very, very old cargo vessel.

Quite extraordinary that it doesn't break up in this system's atmosphere.

Should we intercept, Captain? Shall I now form

a tactical assault unit, Captain? No, not yet.

Can I take a closer look, Wolf?

Bring it on screen, Dottie. Aye, aye, Captain. Cropper,

go down to engineering and give Sally the benefit of your experience.

Do I have to, Captain? She's just not my type.

I meant give her a hand, some help.

Dottie, bring it up on screen, please.

Commander Cropper's not such a bad guy.

A little dim, perhaps, even for a man.

There's just something about him that's so... Chief.

How long have you been standing there, Commander?

I've just got here.

What are you here for?

I'm here for you.

Full speed ahead then, Commander.

And for the repairs, Sally?

I don't need help with the repairs, Commander. I'm

the engineering whiz kid, remember?

When I was four, I built a jet propulsion pack for my cat,

and there wasn't a dog on the block that could catch it.

So you could say, Commander, that I had the fastest...

Kitten on Earth.

Cropper to the bridge.

Thank you.

Well, promise me you'll come again, Commander.

Duty first, Chief.

The captain needs my services.

What's coming from its rear?

Fat. Human fat. What? Fat.

Human fat. What? Fat? Human fat.

It appears that they carry a cargo of it amongst other things.

That is disgusting. Woof!

Go and prepare your assault unit now. Yes!

Yes, Captain.

Dottie, contact that cargo vessel.

Aye aye, Captain.

I am Captain Blowheart of the Dreadnought Nemesis.

Tell me your name, purpose, and cargo.

The name's Rogan.

And as for the rest, mind your own business, missy.

I ask you again, what is your purpose in this sector, and what is your cargo?

We see the Viper, and it appears to be closing in.

We shall speak again, Mr. Rogan. In the meantime, stay out of the way.

This fight is of no concern to you.

Target the Viper.

Pulse cannon locked, Captain.

Incoming fire.

Fire. Evasive action, Johnny. Fire.

Chief, do we have the Reptid yet?

I think I may have something you want, Captain.

Would you like to trade?

I told you not to get involved.

I'm a merchant, Captain.

I get what people want, and I trade with them for it. It's how I makes my living.

So, do you want this or not?

Okay, we'll do a deal.

You don't happen to have any real chocolate, do you?

Plain old milk. Swiss, Hershey, English, white chocolate nuts, caramel and biscuit,

fondant filling, honeycomb.

I even have Belgian chocolate.

Um, okay.

We'll talk later.

Everything's under control, Captain.

Very good.

Mr. Rogan, you come with me. Leave your pet here. Move.

Take the Reptid to the brig and interrogate him.

Sally spotted a strained substance in the molly port after our guests arrived.

She sent a sample to Dr. Stryker for analysis. The computer's still acting up.

Personally, I think she's been affected by the stench of Rogan's aftershave.

Careful!

So I presume that you're a smuggler, Mr. Rogan.

On many things, Captain Blowheart. And yes, being a smuggler is one of them.

But this trip is a fair trade with the miners.

Human fat. I don't understand. Explain to me.

The miners store them in tanks below the surface

where they grow by themselves with nothing added.

Just like in humans?

Yes, like magic.

But how do you get them?

My alien worm friends down on Earth harvest them after the fatties are buried.

If they didn't, the glands would grow and grow until they explode,

and then that would be disgusting.

We do not understand this. Aren't the fat glands harmful to the miners?

What do they do with them?

They make soup and spread it on dry biscuits.

My ancestors used to call it bread and scrape, and it never did them any harm.

Tell me, Captain, are all the women in your family as beautiful as you?

Um, Mr. Rogan, you have something wriggling in your pocket.

It's one of my balls.

Tell me that you're not an alien, that you're human.

Don't worry, Belinda.

I'm all man.

No, no, Captain.

This is a Veruvian hamster.

You don't want to touch one of these.

They only have one master.

May we ask why?

Let's just say they have a nasty bite for such small creatures.

And you would want to keep something like that in your trouser pocket?

It could strip your assets.

I'm its master.

Besides, it enjoys the company.

Can I get something to eat around here, Captain?

How about some lunch below?

I'm sure I can rustle up a little bread and scrape for you. I'll show you the way.

In the meantime, you can tell me all about your chocolate collection. Oh, perfect.

Commander, you're in charge of the ship.

Aye, aye, Captain.

Doctor, I have the results from the samples you asked me to run.

Now, it would appear the substance I found on the lower

level was some kind of translucent skin pigmentation,

which when touched... Give me an eye!

Give me an eye!

Give me a cake! Give me an eye! Give me an eye!

What does he smell? Strangling.

Oh crap.

There you are. Are you lost? Yes.

Would you like us to take you to your captain?

Oh, please.

This way, then. What's up, Wu? Fox, get into the med bay.

This way.

Welcome to the Dance Academy,

where we accept only the most talented and dedicated of artists.

I am Madame Valenska, and right here is where you start paying in sweat.

You will both have two minutes each to dance for me.

You better use it wisely.

You.

You can go first, handsome.

So, can't we come to some sort of agreement in regards to this chocolate?

What do you have in mind, Captain?

Well, I do have a very special brew of fleech on board.

We use it to clean the quantum engines. I think you call it alcohol?

Oh.

I thought you were offering something else today, Captain.

Well, um, I have some diamond salt crystals. Those must be worth something.

How about one night of passion with you for the

entire cargo of chocolate on board my ship?

Well, I'm really not that desperate for chocolate.

I believe we can come to a mutual agreement.

I told you, I'm not that kind of woman, Rogan.

If we can't come to an agreement, then I guess I'll just go interview the Reptid.

Very well, Captain.

Well, in all the years that I have been dancing, I have never,

ever seen such a display of pathetic artistic integrity.

I never in my life had to endure two minutes of such utter

torture before you ever darken my doorstep again.

Do yourself and me a favor.

Get some lessons.

And you, you have potential.

Charm.

Animal magnetism.

Oh, I want to teach you.

I want to know everything about where you learn.

You are the real thing. Come with me.

What are you looking at?

And I'm feeling good.

It makes sense.

Daddy, what's going on? Are you malfunctioning again? Doctor, what is going on here?

God, I want you so bad!

We'll play now.

Well, hello.

Come right to me, Belinda.

Oh, thank you. Kind sir, I was wondering if you

would do me the honor of dancing with me.

You believe I'm next on your dance card, my dear?

Delicious.

Don't worry, Chief.

There's plenty more men in the sea.

Can they truly match up to Commander Cropper?

Sally, is it?

Just the woman I wanted.

Really?

You wanted me?

From the moment I came aboard, I couldn't wait to be alone with you.

What do you mean?

I want you so badly.

Your body is so... Who cares?

I just want to throw you down and rip off your clothes.

Yes, throw me down. Use me, better me, and make me yours.

Please be careful. I'm really looking forward to this.

Do you mind if we play some games?

Hey, Logan, next time, you can play the dumb animal,

and I shall play with the pretty girls, okay?

I thought we'd agreed, Logan,

that it was easier for you to move around the ship than me. Hey, hey, hey.

Come, take this one with us.

She looks up for some fun.

No, and stop playing with the props. Remember what we came here for. Yes,

Logan runs here, Logan runs there. No fun.

Will you stop moaning? It's time to leave anyway.

The hallucinations won't last much longer.

Linda, I'm losing my grip. Oh, crap!

Relay.

Belinda, my darling. I hope you don't mind, but I borrowed some of your supplies.

I really enjoyed our first encounter. Perhaps we'll

meet again some time. Bye-bye, my darling.

We certainly will, you fool. Totally.

Thank you, Wolf.

We've been burgled, Captain.

I know, and I've been had. I didn't even get to try Belgian chocolate.

Oh, yes, how's the sculpting of a chocolate man coming along, Captain?

Enough, Doctor. Whatever happened to Doctor Patient Privilege? Hello?

Besides, you gave me milk chocolate, not dark chocolate.

I thought you liked milk chocolate.

Now all the good bits keep falling off.

She'll be coming round the mountain when she comes, when she comes.

She'll be coming round the mountain.

I'm going down to the brig to go interview the reptile a little bit more, Doctor.

Will you please sort Dottie out?

Sure, Captain. I'll come with you, Captain.

Oh, Rach, why can't you be that much fun?

Thank you, Captain.

I shall now be examining the back of my eyelids.

Oh, great.

Here I was, looking forward to having a little chat with our rutted friend. Well,

why don't you please get rid of this piece of crap?

I'll take you higher

Thank you.