Original subtitles

(upbeat music)

(whistle screeches, music stops)

(Shoresy): Everybody, listen up, here!

Let's listen up here now.

Yeah so,

even though they've been real poopy lately

over the Reach For The Top team...

(Hitch): B'ys had poopy diapers luh.

Just a big, hot dump in there.

The Jims have slingshot back

in a way I think we can all agree is pretty good.

- You probably thought that-- - What's my favourite

No Doubt song, Fish?

- Sunday Morning. - Don't Speak.

You probably thought when you dragged MacPherson

over to the bench, that the Jims would just

pop him a couple of times, hey, my guy?

I thought they'd just pop him a few times, Sanguinet.

- Yeah, and then-- - Shut the fuck up, Michaels.

And then, they pulled him right into the bench.

(speaking French)

- Right into the pine. - In a way I think we can

all agree it was pretty good.

Unbelievable.

- Yeah, so Jim? - Yeah?

- Jim? - Yes?

- Jim? - Chapman's really makes

the superior stick, eh? - The game sticks go to you.

(players clap) - Hey.

But... but...

Yeah so, Michaels for backstopping us

to a 23-game heater.

One game away from something real shiny, my guys.

And for helping the Jims with

the Reach For The Top team...

...he gets to eat his stick

before anybody else gets to eat their stick.

(players clapping)

Fellas, um just--

No, it's not a fuckin' microphone. Hurry up

and eat it, so the boys can eat theirs.

Hey! Nat's office.

What if someone had their dick out?!

I'd puke at the look of it or laugh at the size of it.

- Oh, my God. - Let's go.

You've been summoned by the league.

- Fer what? - Already?

The Zamboni wasn't even off yet.

- Phone call or in person? - In person, tomorrow.

Under no circumstances may you speak.

We will do the talking. - Fuck!

So sick of seeing those broads.

Well, I hope Danis is wearin' summin' good, she's sexy.

- What? - Hmm?

- Did he just say... - Danis.

Sexy.

- Fuck you, Shoresy! - Fer what?

We are looking at getting our captain suspended--

- They won't sussy him. - ... for our record-breaking

game and all you can say is Danis is sexy?

I think all three of them are pretty sexy.

Like, if we're gettin' it all out on the table.

Who said we're getting it all out on the table?

I've wailed on it to the thought of the three

of them taking turns on me.

Really?

If I'm wailing on it and there's no internet

or anything, yeah.

- Talk to me about Danis. - Well...

like, I've never wanted a gal to rough me up or anything but--

- But what? - Well, I...

wouldn't mind if she did. - Did what?

- Slap you around a little bit? - Hmm, put me in a headlock.

- A headlock? - Or a leg lock.

What the fuck are you talkin' about, dude?

I dunno, just however she'd wanna fuckin' do it.

However she'd wanna fuckin' squeeze me between her legs

or whatever. I don't fuckin' care.

- We'll pick you up tomorrow. - Oh, my God!

(Nat): Wait! - Ho-ly!

- How's Frankie? - How would you be

if no one liked you? - You tell us.

- Well, someone likes him. - The gays?

(Nat): Frankie's calendars have been so popular

in the gay community that now they want him

to do an appearance.

(Hitch): What's an appearance, ol' man?

When a venue pays you to appear there.

It's a fancy word for show up.

But why don't they just say that?

So idiots like Frankie feel important.

- They offered $1,000. - Pfft, settle down.

He won't come out of his room, b'y.

- Well, he's gonna have to. - Nat turned it down.

She says she can make 10 times more doing it herself.

(Hitch): And what do that mean, me son?

Gay night at the Coulson. Starring Frankie.

They should call it Going To The Dirty Areas.

(Goody): Devastated.

(Hitch): Inconsolable.

He won't come out of his room, b'y.

They should call it Man On Man.

What's up, Pam? What's goin' on?

Fuck you, Shoresy. Limblifter t-shirt today, Hitch.

- Yeah, you're a fan, Pam? - I was more into

Age of Electric. - Remote Control is a good tune.

You should check out their first record.

- I'd love to. - Enya is a good track.

Come on, Pam, why don't you come over

and we'll play the record? - It is a good record.

Come on over, we'll play some tunes.

(footsteps approaching)

(Michaels): Boys...

I fucked up.

- Well, you're an idiot. - No, you know how I said

that success isn't success unless you have someone

to share it with? - My guy, did you go--

Yeah, I went and saw Mercedes. (scoffs)

How's she lookin'?

(rap music)

She looks so fucking good.

- She's a bit young but-- - Michaels.

Look, I know, Sanger. You got a squeezer off the side

of Party Island in Wasaga Beach, okay? I get it.

But that was then. This is now.

- You wanna talk about now? - What?

I dropped my buddy off at her place on my way here.

- Who? - Augustine.

Ah, you know he'll be long-dickin' her.

- Yeah. - My buddy got a blowie

on a boat from her this summer in Honey Harbour.

- Nice. - What did she say?

She said she wanted to take it slow.

That's not what she said to my buddy!

She said, "You better get your dink out.

Your cousin's pretty cute, too."

Then she said she wants us to go see her brother.

Fer what?

We need to repay our debt to the Policetti's.

Well, one of us better put on some fuckin' Old Spice.

(R&B music)

Sanguinet.

Why don't you come sit beside me?

Ugh.

I thought you said that we could take it slow?

We can. Doesn't mean we will. You smell good.

So um...

it's time for us to pay our debt or--

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

Sanguinet, last year, the Bulldogs came

to the Policetti's in need of a favour.

That favour was granted.

Now the Policetti's need a favour from you.

- A favour? - That's just the word

I'm using. You're gonna do it.

What is it that you'd like us--

Shh, shh, shh.

You remember Angelo?

Where's Luca?

This is specifically for Angelo.

Okay, well, then does that mean that we're--

Wh-whuh!

Angelo heard that Frankie's doing an appearance

at The Man Advantage. - The Man Advantage?

Yeah, Nat's gay night at the Coulson.

That's what they're calling it?

Yeah, I would've gone with Hard On Pucks, but alas,

The Man Advantage. Angelo wants to go with you guys.

Oh, I don't think we're all planning on going.

- No, you're goin'. - I don't think

Frankie will even go. - Oh, Frankie's for sure going.

Why does he want to go to the gay night at the Coulson?

Why do you think?

I dunno.

Sanguinet, why do you think?

Ah, there it is. Thank you.

The limo will be outside at 8:00 p.m.

to pick you guys up. - Oh, may I speak?

(sighs) - Yeah.

Maybe uh, we could...

grab a glass of wine tonight together?

Sanguinet's bringing Augustine over.

You can come up with him, though.

I have a date with Miig.

Ooh, bring her too.

(Hitch): Frankie! (Big Sexy): Tit fucker!

(knocking on door) (Hitch): Jean-Jacques

Francois Jacques-Jean!

(knocking on door) (Big Sexy): Tit fucker!

B'y he's in a bad way ol' man.

- We'll get him out. - Hey, you like toast, eh?

The arse is fallin' right out of 'er, it is.

- Ever have pickles on toast? - B'ys are lucky he's here

at all. Last year, he chased Laurence Leboeuf

right back to Quebec. - Laurence Leboeuf?

(Melodie): Laurence Leboeuf?

She's here?

You're supposed to be weaning yourself off it.

- Off what? - Ass.

'Cause we're one win away from a league record.

- Settle down. - You gotta fight it a bit,

boys. Let's get fightin' it a bit in here now.

What are you guys talking about?

Nothin'.

- No? - No, nothin'.

Okay.

Fuck, does she look good.

- Looks unbelievable. - Ho-ly!

B'y it's rare to see a girl look so good as what she did.

Yew!

Yew-hew-hew!

Let's start exercising a bit of discipline in here.

Let's exercise a bit of discipline in here now.

No, nothing.

Okay...

- Fuckin' hell. - Fuckin' heaven.

- And now she's in that. - Little dab'll do ya.

Boy, they sure know how to put their best foots forward.

- Feet. - Feets?

- Just feet. - Boy, they sure know how

to put their best feet forward.

But b'ys, we gotta get him outta der.

Well then, maybe bake a cake.

Try to lure him out with the smell.

If that doesn't work, do up some taco meat.

You ever had an Indian taco?

Even just beep the microwave a few times.

That might even do it. - Where're you goin', b'y?

(Nat): Ready to get your pee-pee whacked by the league?

Those women can do more than that to my pee-pee.

Remember, under no circumstances do you speak.

We'll do the talking.

You better hope they don't sussy you, slut.

Who's fucking you?

You mean who am I fucking?

Who's she fuckin'?

This is how he says I look good.

- You all look good. - Hey, thanks, man.

- Except Ziig. - Oh, fuck you, Shoresy.

Did you get us a limo?

- Two secs. - Two secs?

Yeah, Ziig, you gonna ride with your head out the window?

Schwartzy? (Shoresy): Shoresy.

Get in.

My brother and I will be here at 8:00

to pick up Frankie for The Man Advantage.

- Is it The Man Advantage? - Yeah.

- Huh? - I would've gone with Tip In,

but alas, The Man Advantage.

Frankie's feelin' a little blue.

I don't think he's gonna make it to The Man Advantage.

(mockingly): Oh, no!

- Yeah, so... - Shorty?

Shoresy.

That's what happens if Frankie's not sittin'

exactly where you are tonight.

Get the fuck outta here.

(footsteps thud away)

(Aki): Would you look at that?

This is upsetting.

I thought he'd be taller.

You're actually presentable for once.

Who? (Danis): Not you.

(Aki): Miigwan. - Hi, Aki.

You're about the cutest thing I ever did see.

She is the cutest thing I ever did see.

- What do you think, Nina? - Wowipops and wainbows.

(Aki): Ziigwan. - Aki.

You smell like a urinal puck.

(Danis): Shoresy...

smile a little for me, hun.

(Aki): I thought he'd be younger, too.

What do you think, Nina? - He's a six.

We enjoyed the calendars. They selling?

- Five figures. - That will help your bid

for the National Senior Tournament.

We are very close to our goal.

Shoresy...

...you crosschecked MacPherson in the face, slut.

- He was hot dogging. - And by hot dogging you mean?

- Showboating. Big timing. - Dipsy-doodling.

The game is changing, Nat. There are new elements to it.

- And? - And those are three of them.

That was a lot of blood.

- Did he lose any teeth? - It was from his nose.

- Broken? - No, his visor cut him.

So, no broken bones,

he still has all his teeth.

What's the problem? - That was a lot of blood.

Why can't you play more like the French guy, what's his name?

(Hitch): Frankie! (knocking on door)

Sweetest Jeezus!

- You like birds, eh? - I could fuck with a bird.

No b'ys, this is no good anyway.

- Settle down. - He's parked 'er

broadside in there. - What?

He ain't comin' out for no one.

- He needs to get one of these. - I wants to, Britt.

- What happened to Bethany Dawn? - Didn't remember his name.

Huh, I'm lookin' for summin' a little deeper.

I just wants a girl to come by, play some tunes.

(Ziig): That's pussy shit.

If you wanna showboat and hot dog,

you answer the bell. - Don't get twatty with us.

We'll get twatty right back. What do you think, Nina?

Harry Twatter and the Chamber of Secrets.

(Aki): Youse get big crowds.

(Danis): And a lot of kids now, I see.

They don't wanna see that and neither do we.

Shoresy, your YouTube chirps have brought attention

to the league. Good and bad.

All publicity is good publicity.

We agree.

So, we're gonna go easy on you.

You're suspended for the remainder

of the regular season. - Fer what?!

- Shoresy. - So, just one game?

I hope it's not a big one or anything, is it?

- You'll be back for playoffs. - Ladies...

Shoresy, the game has changed.

This didn't happen by accident.

There has been a concerted effort from the ground up

for years to make hockey less dangerous.

It's about speed now, finesse.

That's what the fans want.

You need to understand this and adjust to it.

Because what you're doing is not good for the game.

(gavel clunks) Good luck in playoffs.

Nat?

Good time to remind you these sessions are recorded?

You don't decide what's good for the game.

Pardon?

We just suspended your captain.

Quite literally, we decide what's good for the game.

You can take the dog outta the fight,

but you can't take the fight outta the dog.

You don't decide what's good for the game.

The fans don't decide what's good for the game.

The players who are out there on the ice,

sweating and bleeding, decide what's good for the game.

- What do you think, Nina? - Audacious.

Hockey players have always governed themselves.

That's what sets this game apart.

It's a game played with honour and respect.

Because if you wanna play dishonourably

or disrespectfully, you'll get your fuckin' teeth knocked out.

This is senior whale shit hockey.

No one comes for the speed and finesse.

They come to see us kill each other.

Shoresy.

So, you can try and change the game

with your concentrated effort from the ground up.

- Concerted. - But they're among the last

to play this game the way it was meant to be played.

And you can't change them.

- Nat... - What?

You have the best attendance in the league.

Yeah.

The other four teams have their best attendance

when we're in town, too. - Defending champs.

23-game heater.

And he's extremely attracted to all three of you.

Is that true?

I'd love to meet your husbands.

- Why? - Shake their hand.

- Oh yeah? - Oh, I'd love

to buy 'em a beer.

I have to say, Natalie, I agree with you.

I'm here for it, too.

This is the one league where players

still play the game, well, like my dad did.

- And my dad. - Nina?

Dad, Granddad, and six big brothers.

If the fans wanna watch a game for speed and finesse

with no physicality, they can watch the World Juniors.

What's happened to that tournament?

It's fucking basketball.

- They're breeding divers. - This is the NOSHO.

Take the teeth outta the game,

take away our right to govern ourselves,

you'll have no show, all right.

We've changed our ruling.

(gavel clunks) Good luck in Soo Michigan.

(exhaling happily) (Danis): You could make

history here, Natalie.

Somethin' real shiny. What do you think, Nina?

You don't wanna lose to the Yanks.

(Shoresy cries) (Aki): Oh, and what's this

I hear about you guys having gay night down at the Coulson?

What's it called, Back Door Tuck In?

- The Man Advantage. - I would've gone

with D-Men, but alas.

They let dykes go too, Ziig?

(knock echoes on glass)

- Suspended? - No.

- Well, no broken bones. - He's still got all his teeth.

Then what's the problem?

I've come to tell you your window's closing.

Finally seduce Danis?

I wouldn't even know what to do with her.

- That is a woman. - I'd make a fuckin'

fool of myself. - So, who's stealing you?

I'll be attending gay night at the Coulson tonight.

- You're goin'? - I'm told, if I'd like to,

I could fuck some dudes up the ass.

- You ever done that before? - No.

I think your window's closing.

Listen, I'm told there's a pretty good time to be had

at these things, if I'm up for it.

But maybe if you come down, I'll keep my wits about me.

- Maybe? - Well, already started drinkin'

so, it's a soft maybe.

Maybe.

(electric pop music)

(♪)

Yeah so...

Where the fuck is Frankie?

Don't know where he's to.

My guess is back in Quebec.

I mean, he's not in his room anymore.

Awesome. (Laurence): Hey!

- Ooh. - Where were you at, me son?

- Laurence Leboeuf? - Laurence Leboeuf.

Bingo.

- Too Many Men? - Let's talk about

an after party later, too. - Mm-hmm.

Get in.

So, you came all the way back for JJ Fun Dip JJ.

If he could understand what you were saying,

he would kick your ass. - But he can't.

There's a good man in there, you know?

He just needed to be humbled.

Everybody deserves a second chance.

Les Québécois stand by their own.

(electric pop music intensifies)

(♪)

(♪)

(music decrescendos)

Lard Jeezus b'y, who knit ya?

Ted Hitchcock.

Ah, she knows me name.

(laughs) - What?

Pam...

...would you like to dance?

I don't really like this music.

Okay.

But we could go home.

Play some tunes.

(music crescendos)

(♪)

(music stops)

You're surprisingly lucid for this point in the evening.

And you wanna mess it all up?

- Why do you still do it? - Here's a cab.

I don't want it right now, I'm talking to you.

Let's get some fuckin' Indian cuisine.

- So, why do you still do it? - Do what?

(both): Huh?

You got a decade on most of these guys.

Well, I'm no spring chicken.

But you're the first to the rink, the last to leave,

you're the hardest worker out there.

- You gotta set the tone. - You work even harder

off the ice. The calendar, all the promos.

- Jory fuckin' Jordan. - And now you're sittin'

outside a gay bar essentially, the last one to leave

your team fundraiser. - I think Hitch

looked a lot gayer than Frankie.

All this for senior whale shit hockey?

Used to be senior whale shit hockey.

Now it's sumin' different.

So, why do you do it?

It's the only place I can be me.

What do you mean by that?

I mean, it's the last place in the world

I can be me.

You basically just repeated yourself.

I'll tell ya a story.

So, I'm at the bar one night,

a guy pushes up on my girl, so I lose my mind.

- You tried to fight him? - Well, I tried to sucker him,

hurt him before he could hurt me, but...

either way, as a hockey player,

I thought I was doing the right thing.

By punching someone when they weren't looking?

In hockey, if someone disrespects you,

or your teammates, you can flatten 'em.

One way or another, you get 'em.

And when ya do, everybody loves it.

The coaches, teammates, the fans are all cheerin'.

Everybody's all for it.

At the bar that night... (kisses teeth)

...no one was cheering.

The guy thought I was an idiot,

and the girl thought I was a loser.

That's the real world.

So...

even though I'm at the age

where half my hair

is on the fuckin' shower floor,

gonna keep goin' to the rink.

That's where I can be me.

Yeah?

Hell yeah, fuck yeah.

(cab engine rumbling)

Wanna share a cab?

I can walk from here.

To my place.

(rock music)

(music intensifies)