Original subtitles

(upbeat pop music)

(music intensifies)

(Shoresy): Alright, shut the fuck up!

Sanger's got the floor.

Let's listen up here, boys. Everybody listen up here now.

Alright, gents, thanks for stickin' around

for this little players only.

Even though it isn't really a players only 'cause I'm here.

Yeah, but like he's one of the boys, so it'd be

weird if he wasn't here for the players only.

(loud fart) - Who's runnin' it?

(Shoresy): Shut the fuck up, Michaels.

- I thought I'd run it. - Yeah, like he's the coach,

he's usually the one talkin' so it'd be weird if he was

just here listenin' to someone talk. It's like...

it's like, he's usually the one talkin'.

Can I phone a call?

- Can you phone a call? - Can I?

What, are you gonna order a fuckin' pizza?

Uh, I'll just get right into it. You're fuckin' up.

You're fuckin' up. You're fuckin' up.

And until very recently, you were fucking up.

- How am I fucking up? - Let's start with someone

more important. (Sanguinet): The Jims?

Yeah. And in the meantime,

Goody, Dolo, tie your dick to your leg.

- Jim. - Yeah?

- Jim. - Hello.

- Jim. - Let's hear it, Sanger.

Let us have it, buddy. - You're late for games

and when you show up, you're not focused.

And even after the games, you scramble to the showers

and out the door. - Which is usually what guys do

if they don't want us to see their dinks,

but like, we've see your dinks. - Yeah.

- We've seen 'em a ton of times. - Settle down.

We just likes it when ya hangs out with the b'ys

for a bit after, that's all.

(speaking French)

Jims are unbelievable.

Jims?

We're doin' real bad at Reach For The Top.

- Trivia? - Yeah.

- Huh? - Usually there's four people

on a team, but we're down a man.

And he was the guy who always got us goin'.

Ah, see boys, you gotta set the tone.

Can't get into the game without him.

Someone's gotta set the tone out there, boys!

Someone's gotta fuckin' set it! - You see, th-th-that is a very

interesting parallel, because the Jims need someone

to set the tone in order to get it going,

and we need the Jims to set the tone.

Shut up, Michaels, you fuckin' nerd.

What happened to your other guy?

- He got stabbed. - By who?

- By a big Indian. - We're just feeling banged up

from getting pumped at Reach For The Top.

And now we're comin' here and gettin' pumped too.

So what you're sayin' is you just needs one of the b'ys

to come where you're to? - Yeah.

Come on, b'ys, let's send someone where der at.

Does it have to be another jail guard on your team,

or can it be one of us?

The other jail guards don't wanna play

Reach For The Top anymore.

Because one got stabbed.

By a big Indian.

Alright, gents,

looks like we're looking for a fourth man for the Jims.

We got any beers?

They're warm. (Shoresy): Huh?

Boys dumped all the cold ones on me so--

I just think this players only is goin'

a bit long to not be havin' beers.

- Couple frosty ones. - Should we get

some beers for the players only?

Well, we could take the players only

to where there's beers. - That's a good idea, ol' man.

Couple chilly ones?

(rock music)

(Shoresy): Pretty good pizza here, boys.

Let's get hammerin' some pizza here now.

Alright, boys, Reach For The Top. Who's smart?

(indistinct background chatter)

Maybe we start at the other end of 'er

and weed some guys out.

Okay, who's dumb?

Now we're movin' here, boys, let's keep 'er movin' here now.

- Hitch and Michaels. - How are we gonna figure out

who's less dumb?

We'll throw some trivia at you

and whoever gets the most right wins.

B'y, this could take all night.

Even as the smartest b'ys here,

I still think we'll get most of 'em wrong.

- Yeah. - Ya think?

- Yes. - Why?

Look at 'em.

Well, maybe I get in there

and speed things up a little bit.

Well, I'm the dumbest guy here so--

Fish is pretty dumb.

No, Fish only looks dumb.

He's not actually that dumb. - Thanks, Shoresy.

- Got a dip? - He's not as dumb as Shoresy.

I'm the dumbest guy here.

So, if I get one right that someone else doesn't get,

he should automatically be out.

- Thanks, big boy. - Shoresy, can I phone--

Oh, my God, Frankie, you can order DQ from an app!

You don't have to call.

You, you, and you,

you're all candidates for the fourth man

for the Jims' trivia team.

What would you do if selected? Hitch?

- Study all night. - Michaels?

Well, I'd have a positive attitude.

- Shoresy? - Fuck yer mom.

Tell us about your strategy, Hitch.

B'y, I'll be the first to admit

that as a "Newfie", we gets a bad rap

for bein' dumb. What with the volume we drinks

and the way we talks.

But what we lacks in grey matter we makes up for in work ethic.

I guarantee you, a Newfoundlander

will not be outworked. - Michaels.

Though I adored English in school, I like words,

but my true love is math and science.

I'm just gonna stop you right there.

Is he not the most boring person you've ever heard in your life?

- Pardon me? - Like, is no one else

havin' this issue, you're sittin' here,

you're listening to him talk, you're trying to care,

but you just can't seem to give a fuck about

a single word he says? - Yeah.

- Tell me how you really feel, huh? - I've been sittin' here

listening to him talk for a minute.

He's been talking for five seconds.

Feels like I've been sitting here listening

to him talk for a year!

Do you think there's any girls on the bar side?

Hmm?

We're going to get to your problem next, boys.

Well, guess this players only's

been goin' a bit long to not be lookin' at girls.

(rap music)

(Shoresy): If we were smart, we would've started

the players only where there was beer and girls.

It's not really a players only anymore, though.

Shut the fuck up, Fish.

Now to figure out who's the least dumb.

(Frankie): Shoresy. - Frankie!

He hasn't heard from his girlfriends.

Girlfriends?

He hasn't heard from his girlfriends?

(Dolo): No.

Better hope they haven't heard from each other!

(Sanguinet): Players only, boys!

At Reach For The Top, they just fire a bunch

of trivia questions at you. - Alright,

we'll fire a bunch of trivia questions at you.

Yeah, let's get firin' some trivia questions here, boys.

Let's go now. - B'ys let's pick one

good question so I can go ask that girl to dance.

(Shoresy): She's a bit young but--

Hey, tie your dick to your leg!

Well, we pick one topic,

and whoever talks about it better wins.

- What's the topic? - Space.

You wanna talk about space?

Yeah! And whoever talks about it better wins.

You wanna see who can talk about space better?

- Yes, sir. - Michaels, get us started.

Well, first off, I mean, it's huge.

(Shoresy): What is? - Space.

You're opening with space is huge?

(Michaels): What'd you think I was talking about?

I dunno, a fuckin' planet.

- A galaxy? - How long is a light year?

If he's opening with space is huge,

I can for sure talk about space better.

Okay, go ahead, talk about space.

The Earth revolves around the sun.

See? Already Shoresy's talkin' about space

better than I thought. - Let's dance.

Sorry b'ys, gotta go see about a girl.

Well, you run a great players only, Sanger.

You brought us to where there's girls.

Don't worry, we're gonna get to the bottom of this,

all right, Jim? - Yeah.

- Jim? - Yes.

- Jim? - You can fit one million

Earths inside the sun. - You know,

I don't think it's any coincidence

I start talkin' about space, all of a sudden,

no one wants to talk about space anymore.

And you were just gettin' goin'.

Don't see anyone wanting to talk about space now.

Well, you're right, it is beyond massive.

I had some great space words I didn't even get to use.

- Like what? - Meta-galactic.

- My guy! - Inter-cosmic.

- Those are pretty good ones. - Well, you better think twice

you wanna talk about space with me.

A full space suit costs ya 12 sheets.

- Michaels. - Yeah?

What's your problem?

I'm the best goalie in the league.

Well then, why are you walkin' around

like someone ran over your dog?

(sighs heavily) - Look--

You're really gonna inhale and exhale like that?

- Oh just-- - There, you just did it again.

(sighs) You don't even

know you're doin' it! - It's not success

unless you have someone to share it with.

Hmm?

I mean, I'm number one in the league.

We're number one. And soon,

we're gonna be number one in the league of all time.

Mm-hmm.

We're successful, but it's just...

it's not true success if you don't have

anyone to share it with.

You're talkin' about a broad, right?

(Michaels sighs) Don't fuckin' do that!

(knock echoes on glass)

(door creaks)

- You're at my house. - Yeah.

- You fucking psycho. - Politely knocking.

You must have some liquid courage.

- Nope. - You're not drunk?

Well, yeah.

Okay, go. I honestly can't wait.

(Shoresy sighs heavily)

Do you really need to inhale and exhale like that?

- Whoa. - What?

It's not success unless you have someone to share it with.

What isn't?

- What? - Your success isn't?

Isn't what?

Success unless you have someone to share it with?

Can I start over?

You're saying you're successful.

- Yep. - 'Cause you're the best team

in the league, I'm assuming.

- Best team in the league ever. - Not yet.

But you're saying it isn't success unless

you have someone to share it with?

- Yeah. - So what does that even mean?

I'd love to tell ya about my day.

- Would you? - Yeah.

- What else? - I'd love to see

if I can somehow make your life easier.

- I almost believe you, dude. - But?

- You're a slut. - I know you've fucked

one or two before. - That's how I know sluts talk.

- What's it gonna take? - Whadda ya got?

Well, I'd tongue kiss

a toaster to vacuum your fuckin' car.

- Yeah? - Yeah. I'd walk the Kingsway

with my pants at my ankles to empty your dishwasher.

- Now we're talkin'! - I wanna empty your dishwasher

so bad, you have no idea.

- Say hi to Big Sexy for me. - Yeah, all right.

I wasn't thinkin' I was comin' in or anything.

Wasn't hopin' or anything. - My kid's asleep in there.

Yeah, don't wanna mess that up or anything.

You wanna go in the garage?

(laughs) Yeah, so you'll think

you'd come knock on my door anytime you're half cut

and I'll wanna crawl on top of ya?

You are such a fuckin' good time, woman.

- Later. - I'm gonna be

thinkin' about you. - Good night.

And I usually prefer the front door

on a first date, but you're the boss apple sauce!

(laughs)

(Sanguinet): Clock's tickin' on the season

and there's something real shiny at the end of it.

So, we need one of the boys settin' the tone for the Jims

so the Jims can set the tone for us.

Gotta set the tone boys. Someone's gotta fuckin' set it.

Practice round. We'll start easy.

What is the highest grossing Canadian movie of all time?

(buzzer beeps) - Fubar!

No, ya fuckin' idiot.

- So fuckin' stupid. - Guy's a fuckin' idiot.

Yeah, it's the best Canadian movie of all time.

Incorrect. Michaels?

- It's Bon Cop, Bad Cop. - Correct.

What multi-platinum band hails from Hanna, Alberta?

(buzzer beeps) - Spirit of the West.

Are you actually a fuckin' idiot?

He might actually be fuckin' stupid.

- So fuckin' dumb. - Incorrect. Michaels?

- It's Nickelback. - Nickelback.

Correct. I'm a World War I

flying ace that Toronto City Airport

is named after. Who am I?

(buzzer beeps) - Avro Aero.

Oh, my God, how is he in this fuckin' competition?

That's a plane.

Well, he was askin' for a plane, wasn't he?

- No! - He was askin' about

a plane driver. - A plane driver?

- A pilot. - Huh?

- Lard Jeezus, b'y. - Commercial planes

can't go in reverse, eh? - Incorrect. Michaels?

It's Billy Bishop.

(Sanguinet): Correct. - You gotta push 'em.

I think we've seen enough.

Don't see no questions on Newfoundland though, b'ys.

No worries, we're used to being excluded.

Holy fuck, Sanger, just give him a question

about the Maritimes. - Newfoundland ain't part

of the Maritimes, b'ys!

Okay, what is the name of the popular Nova Scotia

condiment made of condensed milk,

vinegar, and garlic? - Oh, come on!

Creamy garlic. (players laugh)

- Fuckin' idiot! - Are you fuckin' serious?

(Shoresy): Donair sauce! - Correct!

Who doesn't hear fucking Nova Scotia

and think donair? - Halifax explosion was a doozy.

What the fuck else does Nova Scotia have?

- Well, they got Sid the Kid. - Trailer Park Boys.

Well, Peggy's Cove's a lovely time.

Congrats, Michaels,

you're going to jail to play Reach For The Top!

- Yes! - Put us out of our misery.

Guys, look, I just wanna say that I respect--

Sit the fuck down. Shut the fuck up.

Frankie?

(speaking French)

No.

No.

Eh, Celine.

- Oui. - Oui.

Well, Frankie lives in Ontario now,

so I feel like we should speak English

so the girls there understand. - I agree. They should know.

We were asleep together one night,

and I woke up with something between my toes.

It was a Honey Nut Cheerio.

- Oh. - I would check Frankie's

pockets before doing the wash,

and one time, I pulled out a Subway Philly cheese steak.

- A footlong? - Yeah.

And a McDonald's apple pie.

One time I came home,

and the smoke alarms were going off,

and my dogs were scratching at the door.

Frankie had fallen asleep with two pizza pops

on the George Foreman Grill.

Oh, Frankie.

Your dogs must have been scared sick.

Yeah, they were sick all right,

from the pepperoni he picked up

by the checkout at Canadian Tire.

You see, I thought the cheating was bad.

And it's clear that his diet is what's really eating you.

(speaking French)

(rap music)

(music ends abruptly)

What?

We got a problem.

Of course we do.

Did you just get fucked? (footsteps approaching)

- We got a problem. - What's the problem?

- Hey, look at her. - What?

- Doesn't she look like-- - Fuck you, Shoresy!

(giggles) - Fer what?

- Like you just got fucked. - You look like

you just got fucked. - No, she doesn't.

- Okay. - If anything,

she looks like she's been at home blastin' herself.

(footsteps approaching) - We've got a problem.

Someone tell me the problem.

- Frankie got caught. - Oof!

- Only a matter of time. - How is he?

- He doesn't know yet. - Good.

Keep it away from him until after we play North Bay.

The Quebecois don't love him anymore.

- Quebecois stand by their own. - Well, someone loves him.

His calendar's sold out.

There's that calendar bitin' me in the ass!

- And back ordered. - I don't fuckin' care!

Well, you should. That big Quebecer

just got us 10K closer to our 50K goal.

- 20 to go. - So dumb.

You know what? Fuck you, Shoresy.

- Fer what? - I send you off

to put out some fires, and instead,

you come back with a new one? - No, one's out.

So, you came back with this one in place of another.

Same amount of fires, slut.

These floors could use a sweep, Ziig.

Which one don't I have to worry about anymore?

(indistinct shouting)

(Quiz Master, deadpan): Welcome to this week's

Reach For The Top league play.

Quiet on the block, please.

(shouting continues)

Thank you.

Jim, Jim, and Jim have a new teammate today.

This is Michaels. Let's all welcome him.

(Inmate 1): I'll fuck you 'til you love me, hoe!

(Inmate 2): C'mon, fuck me up the ass!

(shouting continues)

Thank you.

I understand that Jim, Jim, Jim, and Michaels

also have a new team name.

Since we have a new teammate,

we thought we should have a new team name.

We'll no longer be called Iroquiz.

And what shall we call you?

Algonquiz.

Very well.

In an effort to put what happened

to Correctional Officer Seth

at the hands of inmate Pinky behind us...

(Inmate 1): I'll fuck you 'til you love me, hoe!

...we decided to change our name as well.

Hence turning over a new leaf.

And what will that be?

Tropic of Answer.

Very well.

Let the match begin.

Algonquiz, are you ready?

- Yeah. - Yes.

Good luck, everyone.

Good luck to everybody involved. - Tropic of Answer,

are you ready?

We begin.

Which Canadian funny man was part owner

of the Toronto Argonauts in the 1990s?

(buzzers beep)

Um, John Candy?

- Correct. - Okay.

Which Ontario city did Sam Panapoulos

invent Hawaiian pizza in?

(buzzers beep)

Um, Chatham.

Correct.

What year did Newfoundland Labrador

officially join Canada?

(buzzers beep)

1949.

Correct. She is Canada's first female astronaut.

(buzzers beep) - Roberta Bondar.

(hand slams on table) - Correct.

Until the success of 2006's Bon Cop, Bad Cop,

what was the highest grossing Canadian

motion picture of all time?

(buzzer beeps) - Fubar!

Incorrect. (buzzer beeps)

- Porky's. - Correct.

In which of his songs does Stompin' Tom Connors sing,

"Well the girls are out to bingo

and the boys are gettin' stinko"?

(buzzer beeps)

"Sudbury Saturday Night".

Correct.

Yeah!

(Inmate 2): C'mon, fuck me up the ass!

I'm Jory Jordan back with the Sudbury Kids Sports Report

and joining me once again is the captain of your Sudbury

Blueberry Bulldogs, number 69, Shore.

69. That's a bit on the nose, isn't it?

Any significance to that number for you?

Sentimental value?

Just wanna show everyone what a class act you are then, eh?

You've got the North Bay Norsemen tonight,

which means you've got Keller.

He can be a real pain in the knackers, can't he?

- Yeah. - Got a hot wife though.

- Yeah? - Mm-hmm. Wanna see?

Alright.

Huh.

Got him in every picture though.

Wanna see MacPherson's wife? - Alright.

Just a sec.

Bikini shots are way down here.

(intense electronic music)

(crowd cheering)

(music continues)

(crowd cheering)

(goal horn blares)

(♪)

(crowd cheering)

(goal horn blares)

(whistle blows)

MacPherson, you try that again,

and I'll wrap my stick around your fuckin' neck.

- Next one's goin' in, bud. - You try that again,

you're gonna get fuckin' hurt, MacPherson, I promise ya.

- Hey, fuck you, Shoresy. - Settle him down, Keller,

or someone's gonna get fuckin' hurt out here.

(MacPherson): Hey Frankie, you see that movie "The Whale" yet?

(Shoresy): You never fuckin' talk to him.

You never fuckin' talk to him.

You fuckin' settle him down,

Keller, or it's gonna get fuckin' ugly.

(speaking French)

Remy Nadeau!

(crowd shouts)

(whistle blows)

(arena organ plays sad music)

(announcers continue in French)

(crowd shouts)

(Benny): Un grand crosscheck! Oh boy, oh boy, oh boy!

(Remy): He ate him like undercooked pork tenders-loin!

(Remy): Remy Nadeau! (Benny): Oh!

(intense electronic music)