Original subtitles

(Shoresy): Thanks, Eddie. (Laura): Thanks, Ed.

You're welcome. My pleasure.

You know, you could have breakfast with me every day

- of the week if you wanted. - I know.

So, you wanna talk about the Yanks?

- I need a quote. - Yeah, so--

You should look at people when they're talkin' to you.

No, it's better this way. Trust me.

- Why? - 'Cause you're so fuckin' hot

I can't look at you and focus at the same time.

- Uh-oh. - Which sucks because

I just wanna let you in so bad.

You've really got those walls up.

Look, I've made mistakes in the past, okay?

I show myself to people too quickly then I get hurt.

- Try, for me. - All right, but you look

like that so don't be surprised

if I look like I wanna be underneath ya.

- I'll try to conceal it. - Oh, my God.

- I need a quote. - You ever look at someone,

they look so good you just wanna go, "No way!"

- No. - You never had that?

You look at someone, you just wanna go, "All right!"

- The Soo Hunt-- - Oh, I tell the boys,

the sexiest thing about ya is your mind and

here I am breaking a sweat 'cause I can see your bra's

- a non-traditional colour. - Yeah, what else

- do ya tell 'em? - I just tell 'em how much

you challenge me and make me curious with your ideas.

- Do ya? - You know, I've never had

someone expand my horizons like this.

I don't know what do to with you, man.

Laura, it's taken me a lifetime

- but I finally feel alive. - I'm not gonna get

my quote, am I?

Gimme a shot, Mohr.

Text me something.

What do you really say about me?

- I'll never tell. - I'm a journalist,

I'll keep asking.

You're smart, capable, rational, dependable,

outgoing, kind, consistent, you're a leader.

And you smell so fuckin' good.

Yeah?

Quote me.

(electronic music plays)

(Shoresy): Let's pump some blood into those pipes here, boys!

Let's go now! Let's do some Arnold press.

What's with the half reps? Goblet squats, eh?

Ever try a goblet squat hell set?

Let's do some power bombs!

Maybe if you did a couple more calf raises

you'd win a foot race. You ever try a Swiss ball

wall squat? Let's do some renegade rows.

Cross body hammer curls, eh?

Come talk to me if you really wanna fill those bis up

with blood. I think you mean hypertrophy,

ya fuckin' idiot. Maybe if you did a couple more

wrist curls you'd win a face-off. Let's do some skull crushers.

Let's do some widow makers. Let's do some Zottman curls.

Bulgarian split squats, eh?

You ever try a Bulgarian glute smash?

Put a sweater on, Fish!

Tight clothes at the gym's for broads.

Let's do some wood chops. Cable rope pushdowns, eh?

Come talk to me if you really wanna fill those tris

up with blood. Whadda ya think, drop sets?

Power rack's that way. First one to leave, eh, Fish?

Maybe if ya did a couple more supersets

you'd still be tuckin' one a game.

Don't forget the cooldown here, boys.

Let's everybody cool down here now.

Shoresy, Nat wants to see us.

Fer what? (Nat): I dunno.

- Frankie? - Yeah.

(Ziig and Shoresy): Huh?

That's embarrassing.

Don't shoot the messenger.

I don't like this, my guy.

It's not for you to like, Sanguinet.

Fuckin' Frankie gets his own calendar?

- Frankie is-- - Huh?

- Frankie is in demand. - Stop yelling, dude.

- Who needs a calendar anymore? - This is the north.

People have a shed, people have a shop.

You all got jacked so it just made sense.

- To what? - To exploit you, slut.

I gotta-- I need a ride uptown.

- Why? - Because if JJ Frito JJ

gets his own calendar, I'm gonna throw myself

- in front of a bus. - I'll drive.

Do we really need another calendar?

If we wanna host the National Senior Tournament

we need to show them 50K. It's their way of ensuring

the tournament won't get cancelled again due to

- lack of funding. - How much do we have now?

- Twenty. - We need Frankie focused

- on the Yanks. - You're right, Shoresy.

We need everyone focused on the final three games

if we want that record.

So, what are those sluts doing right now? Focusing?

(electronic music plays)

(music stops)

I'll get 'em focused.

They'll need it for the Soo Hunt.

We'll beat the Yanks!

Frankie has the most goals in the NOSHO.

Frankie's on top of the world.

I'm not concerned with his focus. Overly.

And we'll only need them for the afternoon.

- So dumb! - I've heard rumblings

about Frankie's following post-calendar,

but is it really like that big?

Why do you think we have so many bums in seats?

'Cause we're on a 21-game heater!

Uh... these guys aren't here for the W's.

What guys?

Do you know what a bear is?

- A bear? - Yeah, do--

- Huh? - What's a bear, Shoresy?

Fuckin' Yogi, Paddington, and Pooh.

- The other kind. - Gummy?

You don't know much about the gay community, do you?

- Me? - Oh, my God.

Why would I know anything about the gay community?

Fuckin' honey dickin' broads only.

- My guy. - Fuckin' honey dickin'

- only broads. - Same.

In the gay community, a bear is a larger,

often hairier, man who projects an image of rugged masculinity.

Why would she be talking about gummy bears?

Frankie being a larger, hairier man

has garnered the attention of the Sudbury gay community

who are offering a large sum of money

for a calendar exclusively of Frankie.

- This can divide the room. - No, it won't.

Hockey players are competitive.

Fuckin' the entire team strips down and greases up

and all gay dudes want is Frankie?

Read it and weep.

What can the rest of the boys do?

Could suck their dicks, Shorey.

- (laughs) - They only want Frankie.

I told ya this calendar'd bite us in the ass, Nat.

Don't know what to tell ya, dude.

You just weren't sexy enough.

(Hitch): What's all this?

(Shoresy): We weren't sexy enough.

(Goody): Settle down.

Well you're some crooked aren't ya, b'y?

(speaking French)

- I was more talkin' to Hitch. - B'ys he's right rotted, he is.

Like, Dolo, if anything, I would have thought that you'd

be the one the gay guys wanted from the calendar.

- True. - My guy, is it really

that big a deal Frankie gets his own calendar?

- Well, Sanger, look at him. - Yeah.

- Now look at him. - Settle down.

- Even him a little bit. - Okay.

Now look at him.

Yeah.

Oh, it's just gays were saying how gay you looked

- in the calendar, Frankie. - Huh?

Ain't no one tell ya how gay ya looked?

Let's let Frankie have his day with the gays.

You ever been to Provincetown?

Well ya best come out de other end of 'er.

San Fran's a dump. (Pam): Nice band tee.

- I Mother Earth, eh, Hitch? - Pamsky!

- Fuck you, Shoresy. - "Scenery and Fish"

might be the best Canadian record of the genre, or the era.

No, it's Rusty, "Fluke".

Honourable mention, Sloan, "One Chord to Another"?

Oh, so we're just gonna stand here and then pretend

that "Jagged Little Pill" never happened.

Pam, you wanna come over some time, play some tunes?

I know what sluts listen to, Hitch.

You know, I could let this bother me but I'm not gonna.

- There you go, my man. - 'Cause we gotta focus on the Yanks.

Let's get focused in here, boys.

Everybody focusin' in here now.

Let's get on the go!

Enough about the calendar, boys, let's get focused!

Not one more word about it.

(Cory): That calendar's gonna follow you around for the rest

of your life, you dumb fuck!

Where'd it all go wrong, Shoresy?

Well, it's the good thing about reffing

your beer league, boys, at least I see

it can get much worse.

Yeah, did ya tuck your dick back between your legs

- for that, too? - Doesn't matter, Cory,

your mom will still find a way to grab it.

Don't worry, bud. Your spray tan mid-December

in Northern Ontario didn't stand out at all.

- Glad to hear, Liam! - Don't worry,

no one's calling ya Jersey Shoresy.

Did it get weird at all, havin' one of the boys

- grease you up? - Nope.

No? Didn't think, what have I been doing

with broads all these years? This is terrific.

Well, it's only gay if you get hard.

- Oh yeah? - Isn't that what you told me, Cor?

- What? - Hey, didn't you tell me

if you keep your socks on, it's not gay?

- Something like that? - Fuck you, Shoresy.

(whistle toots) Dogshit call.

- Fuck you. - The Yanks are comin'

- for that record, Shoresy. - Liam can you just hurry up

and finish this game? Your mom's still waiting for me

to come back with a warm, wet towel.

- Fuck you, Shoresy. - Fuck you, Liam!

Your mom carved her initials into my bedframe.

How am I supposed to explain that to Cory's mom?

- Fuck you, Shoresy! - Fuck you, Cory!

Your mom's texts are so full of spelling mistakes

I can barely figure out what time she wants me to come over.

- Fuck you, Shoresy. - Liam, did you know your mom

calls her mitt her wet wallet?

- (Cory and Liam): Fuck you! - Boys, just tell your moms

to leave me alone. I'm not gettin'

matching tattoos with them.

Hope the Yanks fuckin' toss you, Shoresy!

(Shoresy): Not worried about the Yanks, boys.

I'm worried about the Yanks, boys.

Nat, you're a wee bit up my ass about the Yanks.

They've been right there with us all year.

- They're big, they're fast. - They battle.

- They love scoring goals. - We're bigger. We're faster.

We're 3-0 against 'em.

Don't count your chickens, slut.

They're skilled but they're scrappy, too.

They get into those dirty areas,

- they dig those pucks out. - They muck it up.

They fucking love scoring goals.

Sounds like one of 'em

might've given ya's a good twattin'.

But it's not their skill I'm worried about.

It's their will.

(whistle screeches) Sure, the Euros are gonna

take it the odd time, but the real battle

for hockey supremacy, best versus best,

is between the Americans and the Canadians.

The men's game,

the women's game,

kids.

Canada's the best country at hockey.

But the Yanks are right there.

I think one of 'em got Nat right in the twat.

Americans have to be the best at everything.

- They're obsessed with it. - And we're the only thing

standing in the way from them being the best at this.

Which brings us to my point of apprehension.

They wanna be the best fuckin' bad.

First, they started sending their kids

to hockey schools up here. Get their players on our level.

Now the programs are just as good down there. Some better.

(Shoresy): I oughta wash your mouth out with soap!

(Nat): Shattuck, the National Development Program,

Total Package Hockey. The average American player

is just as good as the average Canadian now.

- Some better. - Well, Notre Dame

and Sasky made Wendel Clark.

They'll never make one of him down south.

May never make one of him again. Anywhere.

Ain't that sum'in.

I can't even say Wendel's name without...

gettin' a bit choked up.

- I've got a Kleenex. - Use your tampon, Shoresy.

- Fuck you, Ziig! You fuckin'-- - There's pride on the line.

Yeah, you're fuckin' right there is!

Our boys have focus issues.

Well, it's senior whale shit hockey.

(both): Senior Triple A.

Kee-he-he-he!

The Soo Hunt will be coming land, sea, and air.

I want that fuckin' record, Nat!

If we lose it with three games left--

- We'll never lose again. - Good.

Yo, why are the Jims always late?

(indistinct shouting)

What Manitoba town is famous for guided polar bear tours?

(buzzer rings) (Phil): Churchill.

What is the tallest mountain in Canada?

(buzzer rings) (Greg): Mount Logan.

(inmate): Danny Wolfe and his brother Richard founded

this Native gang in north-end Winnipeg.

- (buzzer rings) - The Indian Posse.

(inmate): What town in Prince Edward Island is also the name

of a brand of french fries?

- (buzzer rings) - Cavendish.

(inmate): What is the official flower of Saskatchewan?

(buzzer rings) (Phil): Western Red Lily.

(inmate): What is the Alberta birthplace

of singer Joni Mitchell?

- (buzzer rings) - Fort MacLeod.

(inmate): This British Columbia archipelago

consists of Graham Island and Moresby Island.

(buzzer rings) (Phil): Haida Gwaii.

(inmate): Who has the second most all-time points

among Canadian-born NHL hockey players?

(buzzer rings) (Greg): Mark Messier.

(inmate): This Nunavut town is the northernmost

continually inhabited place on earth.

(buzzer rings) (Phil): Alert.

Hey guys, wanna go to Kinhao?

Huh? Let's get some fuckin' seafood udon.

(French rap music plays)

Did you have two of 'em in there?

Fuckin' right!

Fuckin' right!

Settle down.

But they're not gonna be here tomorrow.

Well, it's gonna be pretty tough to focus on the Yanks

when you're lookin' at boobies.

Like, it's no wonder you never have any legs

in the third, you already played a period between the sheets.

Let's get some focus goin' in here, boys.

Let's have some focus in here now!

Did you have two of 'em in there, too?

- Wanna go to Buzzy Brown's? - Fuckin' right!

The chicken wings are unbelievable.

Yew-hew!

- What're ya at? - What are you doin'?

Lard Jeezus, b'y, de b'ys both had two girls

- where they're to. - What were you doin' in there?

- (Shoresy): Huh? - I was just listenin'.

Well, I was bein' real quiet so you wouldn't

know where I was to. I'm real proud o' ya, though,

for doin' so good as what you did.

Ah no, she don't even know me name, b'y.

Lookin' for sum'in a little deeper than that.

- Let's have some toast. - Let's just...

get it outta your systems now.

It's gonna be pretty tough to focus on the Yanks

when we're looking at--

...vergina.

(rap music plays)

(Ziig): You're on the clock, slut.

Does he look gay enough?

I dunno. Does he look gay enough, Ziig?

The bears think he looks good and gay naturally.

I don't think we should coach him.

(knocking on door)

Who's that?

Oui, allo, Lysandre Nadeau.

Who's that?

(Miig): That is Rêve.

(music intensifies)

How does he do it?

(Miig): The Quebecois stand by their own.

He's fucking up again.

Frankie!

(Nat exhales, annoyed)

(upbeat rock music plays)

(Alice giggles)

(Fish): Fuck. (Alice): What?

Shoresy.

- Hey, Fish! - Shoresy.

- You guys on a date? - First date.

- Nice! - Yep.

- Yeah. - Yep.

What the fuck do you think you're doin'?

- What? What? - Huh?

Well, you stopped scorin' a goal a game

but you got lots of time for chit-chats.

- Are you serious? - Wish I had more time

- for chit-chats. - Shoresy, I'm third on the team in points.

Oh yeah? How many'd ya score last game?

- Zero. Zero. - Huh?

- And the game before that? - Zero.

But ya got lots of time for chit-chats!

- How's Goody? - What happened to senior

whale shit hockey?

(Michaels): It used to be

senior whale shit hockey.

Now it's somethin' different.

Now we have a chance to do something

that's never been done before.

Think about it, Fish!

You wanna be the best team in the league this year,

or do you wanna be the best team in the league, ever?

Yeah.

What the fuck 're you doin'?

- What? - Huh?

- I'm eating a panini. - By yourself?

- Yeah. - In the middle of the afternoon?

- Is that not okay? - Well, depends who you ask.

- What do you mean? - Well, if it was me sittin'

there eatin' solo paninis in the middle of the afternoon,

I might be a little bit worried.

- Worried about what? - That I'm a fuckin' loser!

For Chr-- Shoulda just got this to go.

Well, you'd still be by yourself eatin' paninis.

- I see. - Got a dip?

(Palmer): Let's go!

- I'll tell ya what, Shoresy? - That's all right.

Just so you know, people are sayin' you're acting weird.

- What do you say? - Goalies are always weird!

(footsteps thudding rhythmically)

You're right, Shoresy. You know, solo paninis

in the middle of the afternoon is a bad--

Shut the fuck up, Michaels.

They're in a day early, huh?

It's a bit overkill. It's senior whale shit hockey.

(Nat): Not to them, it isn't.

To these dudes, this is it.

(Shoresy): The fuck are they doin'?

- Peak perfor-- - Huh?

- Peak performance imagery. - What?

Visualization, my dude. Gettin' mentally prepared.

I told you they'd be coming land, sea, and air.

Simmer down.

So, while our guys are out there thinking about ass

- and Reach For The Top-- - Goody loves chicken.

The Soo Hunt are here. Thinking about beating us.

(rhythmic music plays)

Get a life.

See anyone you don't recognize?

Well, I see three guys I've never seen

with the Soo Hunt before

and I recognize all three of 'em.

Yep, they loaded up.

- Is that Matt Delaney? - That's him.

First round pick. Three years in the show,

three stints in the Players Assistance Program.

(Sanguinet): Do we know what for?

(Shoresy): Yep.

That's Brady Schnurr.

(Nat): 1,000 games in the show. Another couple hundred

in the minors, and now he's here.

(Shoresy): Hang 'em up. (Nat): Veteran presence.

Dale Palmer.

(Shoresy): Could see that guy from the moon.

(Nat): Half a season in the show.

No one would fight him so he quit.

(Shoresy): Fuckin' loser.

They wanna spoil this for us so bad,

they came in a day early to get focused.

I bet their broads couldn't wait to get rid of 'em.

Americans have to be the best at everything.

They're obsessed with it.

And we're the only thing standing in the way

of them being the best at this.

Which brings us to my point of apprehension.

They wanna be the best fuckin' bad.