Original subtitles

As we stand here this morning

in an unknown galaxy on the outer reaches of the solar system

and I claim this planetoid, rich in Helium 7,

on behalf of the Jupiter Mining Corporation,

it is only fitting we remember the generations that came before us.

It is to their memory, their greatness, their infinite glorious accomplishments,

that I humbly name this moon "Rimmer".

In the same spirit of benevolence,

I've also graciously agreed to lend my name to the star this moon orbits,

which from this moment on, will be known as "Sunny Rim".

Gentlemen, to Rimmer,

a moon rich in Helium 7, the most valuable gas in the universe.

To Rimmer... so full of gas.

Sirs, there appears to be

some kind of solar storm coming in from the west?

You should engage skedaddle mode.

But the Helium 7. We need to mine it.

There's no time, sir.

But Helium 7's incredibly scarce.

It's rarer than an ungroped bottom at the BBC in the 1970s.

It's worth a fortune.

If we ever get back to Earth in the 23rd century,

I'll get a finder's fee.

One hour, that's all I'm asking.

Bud, can't you see,

if you're hanging around here when that storm's brewing

you're gonna get wiped.

I'm begging you, stay!

I'll still be rich beyond my wildest dreams just with this.

Don't worry, I won't change.

And that's the tragedy of it.

Check this. That's no solar storm. What the hell is it?

It looks like a big, wibbly-wobbly tidal wave thing

and it's heading straight for us.

I want a full Space Corp verified diagnostic on that thing.

- Already printing, sir. - Well? What is it?

It says, "It's a big, wibbly-wobbly tidal wave thing

"and it's heading straight for us."

Here it comes!

What the hell just happened?

People have had acid trips that have made more sense than that.

I've had directions from drunken Scots men

that have made more sense than that.

Any theories?

I believe the ship may have been hit

by a temporal wash from a time wave, sir.

It's been what by a what from a what?

Much as a tsunami is caused by a large displacement of water in the sea bed,

a time wave is created by an imploding black hole,

causing space time to contortinto a series of waves.

Much as a what causes a what into a series of whats?

Now, when the wave moves forward,

artefacts from the past can be washed up into the present

and when the wave withdraws,

artefacts from the present can be swept back into the past.

That sounds like a free ride out of here. Show me where to stand.

Sir, whoever is hit

is likely to be swept in to an uninhabitable part of deep space.

Quick! Show him where to stand.

We've got to avoid this wave at all costs.

- How long before the next one? - Impossible to predict.

- So what do we do if this wave shows up? - We'll have to outrun it.

Maybe if we lost some weight. Jettisoned some unnecessary cargo.

Go stand in the airlock and leave the rest to me.

Wait, check this in vector four.

There's a ship just shown up on the scans.

The SS Enconium. They're from 24th century Earth

and their ship possesses a faster than light drive.

Something's wrong.

They're locked on to a crash course

straight into the heart of Planet Rimmer.

Are you serious? That's terrible. Is Planet Rimmer going to be okay?

The impact is likely to cause an explosion

which could well ignite the Helium 7.

And kill Planet Rimmer?

- And kill everything in this vicinity, - Including Planet Rimmer?

Including everything!

We need to board that ship and stop it crashing.

And save Planet Rimmer.

- And save the crew. - And Planet Rimmer.

This mechanoid is reversing.

This mechanoid is reversing.

How long before we dock, Kryts?

Just thirty minutes, sir.

So I thought now might be a good time

to share the intel I've uncovered on the Enconium.

It appears they have some rather strange laws.

Strange how?

On their ship, criticism is illegal.

A ship free of criticism, what a place that must be.

A world where no one is blamed or rebuked

and no one gets mocked or ridiculed.

That's what they say, but they'll never hold out after they meet you.

You screw up and no one tells you. What's the good in that?

That's easy for you to say, Lister,

but how would you feel if you were ridiculed every day,

wedgied every night,

and sometimes even have your head shoved down the toilet

and the chain pulled?

But we've stopped doing that now.

Six years old, my parents had to send me to a different prep school

so I could get my confidence back.

Games weren't competitive at St. Trembles.

So what did you do on Sport's Day?

Sports Day, 100 metres, you could run in any direction you wanted.

Or paint a picture or stay at home and watch TV.

And everyone got a "You're Really Special" trophy

and a party bag.

Rimmer, you've got to roll with it.

You get knocked down, you get back up again. You slug it out.

If I'd have got upset with every bit of critism I ever got,

where do you think I'd be now?

Not single, not podgy,

and probably not doomed to roam deep space with a terrible haircut.

Sirs, please.

When we board the Enconium,

we must remember to respect their laws and not criticise each other.

How long we gotta hold out?

- Just an hour, sir. - A whole hour?

In that case you'd better pack earplugs and six rolls of duct tape.

I wonder why the Enconium made criticism illegal?

Well, according to their data banks,

they believe when people criticise, they feel esteem-inflating superiority

which causes the pleasure chemical, dopamine, to be released in the brain.

And dopamine's bad?

Too much dopamine is like taking cocaine, sir.

It overexcites the receptors between brain cells,

causing hyperactivity and engorged self-worth.

So people who criticise get high on criticism?

It seems they become addicted,

needing to criticise more and more to produce the same original high.

This explains so much.

Junkie.

But criticism can be good, can't it?

I mean, it forces people to become better.

Oh, not always, sir. Take you.

What about me?

Well, as a guitarist you've been criticised, belittled, decried,

vilified, panned and slammed your whole life.

- And your point is? - You still utterly suck, sir.

No, I don't!

I mean, okay, fair play. Back in the day I was a bit of a tone-deaf plucker,

but I took that criticism on board,

I dedicated myself to getting better,

and now, so long, Plucker, hello, Davy "Three Chords."

"Joureny to the Stars"

Aw, look at that one.

Have they got little kids on-board as well?

By First Lieutenant Edward Moore, aged 34 and a half.

So everything these guys do, no matter how garbage,

gets to go on the wall?

Just like at St. Trembles.

And the Tate Modern.

The frames aren't even straight. I hate that.

Hey guys, check this.

- ... Power of the moon you will learn that we are all part of the tree of life

and on the tree you are a fruit.

# I am a fruit a lovely fruit Let me play the flute #

Let me remind you, gentlemen,

what we're all thinking right now is illegal here.

My friends.

A duct tape on stand by, sirs.

Welcome to our ship.

Now, my name is Ziggy Briceman.

Apologies for not returning your handshake,

but our communication system is being repaired

and the hairdressers who are carrying out the work

haven't quite determined what's wrong yet.

Oh, also, our lifts are being serviced by the catering department,

so therefore to the stairs.

Wouldn't it be better if your lifts were serviced by the lift service people?

Oh, unfortunately, they're all too busy working in the hospital,

trying to figure out why no one's getting better.

This way, my friends.

I don't know if you're aware,

but you've been washed up three million years into deep space

and you're on a crash course straight into a Helium 7 moon.

I love your accent.

It's is cuter than a kitten with a toilet roll.

Now, let me take you along to our diner

and then I'm gonna hunt down our Captain. Okay?

This way.

What the hell's he doing?

Best guess, the Enconium crew are encouraged to express themselves

without fear of scorn or ridicule.

Bring back scorn and ridicule, that's what I say.

Sir, please.

Didn't we talk about respecting other cultures?

When in Rome, do as the Romans do.

Hey, bud, you should stick around.

The Om song could go platinum here.

I love the atmosphere. It's so relaxing.

No one cares if you're right or wrong, good or bad.

Maybe they're on to something.

I mean, take me, back in the day,

I misrepaired a drive plate and killed over a thousand people.

Now, in our culture that sort of thing is really frowned upon.

But here, you just move on.

Here's your coffee, sir. Be careful it's very, very hot.

Argh!

Whoops-a-daisy.

She's just broiled my love spuds and she doesn't even say sorry.

She's moved on.

Look at the state of me.

Okay, here we are.

I have one processed sausage with sprouts in a radish jus,

and one warm goat salad.

We didn't order any food.

And we haven't ordered any drinks.

Though I wouldn't mind ordering a fresh pair of testicles

'cause these two are ruined.

Are you criticising me?

No, no, he's not criticising you, I am. This food looks gross.

Critics! Help!

Let's get out of here.

Easter Island head's right. Let's scoot while we still can.

Yeah, come on. Back to Starbug.

Nothing works here. Especially the people.

- Good evening, sir. - Evening, Officer.

Do you know why I've pulled you over, sir?

No, I haven't got a clue. No.

Been doing any criticising this evening, sir?

Criticising? No, not at all. No.

It's just we've had a report of some illegal castigation

in the diner this evening, sir.

What about you lads?

Been doing any criticising this evening?

No.

- Little bit of chiding perhaps? - Chiding? No.

- How about blaming, sir? - No.

Harping?

- Little bit of panning? - No.

- Not even scoffing? - Nothing.

You won't mind blowing into this criticiser for me then, will you, sir?

You what?

Go on. Blow as hard as you can.

You've got a reading of 95, sir.

Is that good? Bad? What does that mean?

It means that your friend is way over the permitted criticism limit, sir.

I may have to take him down to the station.

Now wait a minute.

- Are you telling me to wait, sir? - Well, yes.

Implying I'm going too fast, and therefore criticising me?

- Look... - Are you telling me to look?

Insinuating that my attention isn't focused in the correct direction,

- therefore implying that my focus... - I'm not criticising you, okay?

Look, we're here to warn you that you're ship is on a collision course

with a very important moon called Planet Rimmer.

I'm going to let you off with a caution.

Caution? How dumb is this guy?

Hey, Lieutenant Asshole,

if you don't move your dumb ass spaceship,

we're gonna we're gonna be flatter than your wife's droopy ass titties.

Capeesh?

Wait a minute. Why have you taken his straightjacket off?

While he's in here, he's not a danger to anyone, is he?

Well, he is to us.

No one cares about you.

Don't talk to him. Don't make eye contact.

Pretend he's not here.

All right, mate, how you doing?

I been better. I'll tell you that.

- How long you in for? - Life.

- What for? - Tutting.

Tutting?

They drove me to it.

I'm in the queue, in the canteen, queueing.

Finally, I get to the front, my turn to get served

and they say, "Sorry, love, we've just closed."

So I go...

You just went...

...and you got life?

I just called that cop Lieutenant Asshole, so what am I gonna get?

It don't bear thinking about. They'll probably drain you.

What's that?

I'm not implying there's anything wrong with draining,

it's probably really lovely.

What the hell are we going to do?

We've got to get out of here.

Get to the engine room and get the ship off this crash course.

- And save Planet Rimmer. - And save us.

Uh, sir, may I borrow one of your boots?

Kryten, my boots can't cause diversions like they used to.

He wears Odor-Eaters now.

I'm looking for a soil sample, sir. From that moon this morning.

The Helium 7?

Which I can then fuse with the deuterium

I have in my isotope sample store in my arm

and create a small contained explosion.

Why do you collect isotope samples and keep them in your arm?

Why do you collect miniature Napoleonic soldiers and keep them in your locker?

- You're weird. - I'm weird?

At least my isotope collection could come in useful.

Next time we're in a jam

and one of your 6th regiment trumpeters saves us,

I'll eat my crevice brush.

There.

Excellent.

Here, boys, take me with you.

I promise I'm no danger to the outside world any more.

I'll never tut again

Where are you taking us?

I'm taking you to where all the worst criticizers go.

The back seat drivers? They're all there.

Surely you can see, a society without criticism is...

You don't know what it was like before.

The ship was a shambles, everyone arguing,

constantly choosing new captains.

So they brought in the anti-criticism law to make people more tolerant.

But any smegger can see that society can't function like that.

Yeah, but once they'd outlawed criticism,

nobody could criticise the criticism law because it was illegal to criticise.

Idiots!

I've just criticised something, didn't I?

Oh, God, I've not done that for ages. That felt good.

Criticising's great, isn't it? Gives you a real lift.

Don't like your shoes by the way.

What's the story with his head?

Looks like something from that TV show, when circumcisions go wrong.

You got to help us.

If we don't get your ship off this crash course, we're all dead.

The bridge is that way. I'll pretend you escaped.

Won't you get in trouble?

How? Nobody can criticise you here.

Now get going before somebody comes.

Oh, and by the way, you are way too old to be wearing leather pants.

Nobody move, please.

Did you help them, did you betray us, did you?

Yeah, I did, Ziggy.

I betrayed this badge and made this uniform, quite frankly,

an object of ridicule.

Well, there is no shame in making mistakes, Officer. You may go.

To our visitors, we need to drain them.

Now, we are going to drain you of all your critical faculties

by removing your inner critic.

That little voice in your head that stops you achieving your full potential.

Now you will no longer turn down opportunities

for fear of failure or humiliation.

You will only feel love for all things.

They're going to turn us into hippies.

We're going to wind up like that crazy guy on the flute.

Oh, that was Derek. He used to be a theatre critic.

Oh, he's come so far.

Look. That's his inner critic.

Oh, my God, what's he talking to without me?

Whatever it is, he's useless. He'll fail. He's talentless.

Leave this to me.

As stand-in, acting Senior Commanding Officer

of the JMC mining ship Red Dwarf,

and protected as I am under Space Corp Directive 381286...

Kryten, shut up.

I demand that you release us all immediately.

Or at least one of us as a gesture of goodwill,

for which I'd like to volunteer.

My friend, you have nothing to fear.

Happiness awaits and you shall be the first.

Let's bottle your inner critic.

Now, let your critical observations flow forth.

You mean, I could end up loving my parents and admiring my brothers?

You'll have nothing to remain dead for.

Resist, sir, resist.

If they remove your inner critic, you'll be changed forever.

Changed forever? Listen to him!

My pa rents were lovely, wise, thoughtful and supportive.

Argh!

I achieved all my dreams and I'm admired and respected.

Don't fight it. Think of your childhood. Were your happy?

I was so happy-

I can't hold out much longer.

Argh!

My brother, Howard, what an utter bastard.

As for my parents, the schools they sent me to,

the exams I failed and the support I never got.

And why Yvonne Macgruder never wanted to go on a second date with me.

And my sex life was an absolute shambles

ever since that day at school my brother gave me sex advice.

He said the most important thing was the clitoris,

and I thought what he said was the most important thing

was to spit on her wrist.

Oh, the looks I used to get.

Wait, slow down.

You're criticising faster than the extractor can cope.

I've hardly started!

Your inner critic's too powerful. The extractor can't process it.

Well, why can't it process it?

Cheap, damn Minervan, negative energy, inner critic bottling machines.

Will you stop criticising?

What the hell's that?

I'm Rimmer's inner critic.

I'm the voice inside his head

that reminds him he's an idle, good-for-nothing, underachieving idiot

who surrounds himself with cretins to mask his own inadequacies.

He hangs out with other guys besides us?

Tell it to go away. Tell it to leave me alone.

You need me. I protect you.

Remember the school talent contest?

Twelve yea rs old,

and you wanted to Morris dance in front of the entire school.

And you made me chicken out.

We'd have been humiliated.

Same with all those women I wanted to ask out on dates

you claimed were out of my league.

Of course I did.

Anne Marie was a solid four out of ten. We're lucky to get threes.

I hate you. You'd never let me take any risks ever.

I stop you from making a fool of yourself.

But he's always making a fool of himself.

Yeah, he is always making a fool of himself.

So hang on. You're not doing a very good job, are you?

You can't criticise me. I'm his inner critic.

Where were you when Rimmer was

fixing that drive plate and wiped out the crew?

No one criticises me.

Why didn't you tell him he wasn't up to it?

I mean, aren't you supposed to protect him?

Well, yes, I suppose I...

So you failed.

Well, that's not fair.

I possibly didn't achieve all the goals I set out to.

You're right, it failed.

That's a bit strong. I didn't fully succeed.

- It failed. - Failed?

- I can't believe you just said that. - It failed.

- That's really horrible. - It failed.

- Is it dead? - Just wounded.

It'll be back one day. Trust me.

You achieved a positive end by using criticism to vanquish a foe.

Because you can't tar all criticism with the one brush.

Yes, I see that now. Perhaps our philosophy is flawed.

Are you criticising your own philosophy?

I suppose I am.

Wait.

Call together all the members of the High Chamber

and warn them that I've repealed the law against criticism.

From this moment on, everybody can criticise without fear of penalty.

Release them.

What about Planet Rimmer?

The ship is on a crash descent course

and your engineering department don't know what the hell they're doing.

We need to get to the engine room.

No need, I'll request our engineers simply return to their jobs

and then we'll be out of here in a brief contraction of forward space.

I've been racking my brains

as to how I could thank you for showing me a new way to live.

Now, my first thought was we could upgrade your mech,

then I thought, "No, it's not special enough."

Then I thought we could upgrade Red Dwarfs engine, make it FTL,

but again, I thought, "No, it's not special enough."

I wanted to give you something that would

truly show you the depth of my gratitude.

For you. It's my finest work.

Don't take this the wrong way, but, um, it's not that good to be honest.

I repeal the law.

Critics! I need help here.

Drain them! Drain them all!

# It's cold outside There 's no kind of atmosphere

# I'm all alone, more or less

# Let me fly far away from here

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun

# I want to lie shipwrecked And comatose

# Drinking fresh mango juice

# Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun

# Fun, fun, fun