Original subtitles

OK, five card draw poker.

You in, Cincinnati?

Of course he's in. Come on, Rimmer.

Deal the cards.

Match-sticks, nothing more.

If you think you're winning my back issues

of Morris Dancer monthly, you've got another thing coming.

Here we go.

One, two, three, four, five.

Let's see what we got.

Where are our cards?

You ain't getting any.

- But without cards, we can't win. - Exactly!

What kind of game is that?

A good game.

A game I'm gonna win.

Look, let's try it another way.

So that we all get

five cards

and we all get

a chance to win.

You might just enjoy it.

How many cards do you wanna change?

None, are you crazy?

You've got a really good hand, right?

How did you know?

Have you never heard of a poker face?

Huh?

You get your cards, you look at 'em like this,

and you don't give anything away.

All right. Let try it again.

How many cards do you want to change?

Five.

Sirs, we're picking up an SSL.

It's in the neighbouring vector.

OK, starting her up.

Silky as the first day we got her.

Moon base, coming up on our starboard side.

What is this place, Kryts?

According to the ident,

it's a United America Scientific Research Station.

- United America, who's that? - Well, at the end of the 23rd century,

America attempted to bring peace to the world,

by asking every nation on Earth

to sign a Peace Treaty.

Any nation that refused, they invaded.

Now a war ensued

that was called the War against War.

Those countries who went to war,

because they were so against war,

they were prepared to go to war,

to fight in a war against war,

called themselves, United America.

But why would these United America johnnies

want to build a Research Station way out here?

By the looks of their manifest, their loaded with tech,

maybe we can finally fix Starbug's thruster.

I'm sick of always having to turn left.

Alrighty. Bringing her in.

There's a sandstorm coming in. 18 on the Newton scale.

Looks like we're going to be stuck here for a while.

Any idea what they did here, Krytes?

Well, it appears they were testing a cure for evil, sir.

Evil? But you can't cure evil. That's ridiculous.

What do they do? Hand out tubes of evil ointment?

'Gently rub into your frontal lobes when feeling psychotic.'

To be honest, I've never really believed in evil.

You should try inhaling your socks, sometimes.

OK.

Some people do terrible things, but not because they're evil,

it's because they're mentally bonkers.

I never realized you read up on the subject, Listy.

'Mentally bonkers' I'm struggling a bit to keep up here.

Do you mean they're psychopaths?

Well, not all psychopaths kill of course, sir.

They don't?

Most psychopaths lack empathy for others

and have no remorse.

But as a rule, they don't actually physically harm anyone.

- So what do they do then? - Well, many go into banking.

Many others are CEOs, business men, lawyers, even politicians.

Ruthless men and women, drawn to positions of power

and the reward that brings.

This evil cure, Kryte, any idea who they test it on?

You think they might be wall to wall crazies in here?

Running around, rioting, screaming and stabbing people?

You make it sound like my old school.

I want all of the bazookoids, safety's off, ready to fire.

All of the bazookoids are back on Red Dwarf sir.

Have we got any guns with us?

Just your staple gun, sir.

Fill her up.

Hey.

Cryo booths.

Look at this.

'Vlad the Impaler-cured.'

'Joseph Stalin-cured.'

'Messalina-cured.'

'Adolf Hitler-cured.'

'Rupert Murdoch,

'not responding to treatment.'

Hitler?

Isn't he dead?

I thought he died playing golf.

He was in Berlin, you goit, in a bunker.

He poisoned his partner and shot himself.

Huh. Golf can do that to you.

All these people are from ancient history.

Where did they get them from?

It appears they tracked down their descendants,

and then, with DNA regression technology,

travelled back, down the ancestral line

via their mitochondrial DNA,

and recreated them.

But Hitler didn't have any kids.

His ancestral line died with him.

I read this conspiracy book once,

and it proposed the theory that at the end of the second Word War,

Hitler killed his wife and his body double,

to make it look as if he committed suicide.

Then, he snuck of to Argentina in a stolen U-boat,

with art treasures looted from the museums of Europe.

Hitler,

the more you hear about that guy.

The story went, that when he reached Argentina,

he had kids there.

Well, there's a long held belief that memories are indeed encoded

in DNA, sir, and passed down the ancestral line.

It explains why humans have

seemingly inexplicable phobias.

- Like? - Fear of rats, for example.

Fear of rats. Descendants be ware,

- they spread bubonic plague. - Precisely.

Fear of clowns?

Descendants be ware, of weird looking children's entertainers.

They can be really dodgy.

So who's this Messalina?

The third wife of the Roman Emperor, Claudius.

Possibly the most depraved,

brutal and murderous nymphomaniac in history.

Not all bad, then.

These are some of the most damaged and deranged humans who ever lived.

They are worse than the 1970s Leeds United team.

So how do they cure these people?

In people labelled 'evil, '

a misfiring gene,

has often turned empathy of.

So they can just flick it back on like a light switch?

It's as easy as that?

Hey, light switches can be tricky.

I don't always get them, first time.

There's another cryo booth here.

Professor Shaul Telford. Maybe he can help us.

I suggest we release the Professor

and ask him if they have the tech here, to repair the thruster.

Hey, this one's empty.

Indeed it is.

Good day, gentlemen.

Your arrival here automatically triggered

the cryo booths to release mode.

Wait, when you said, we automatically triggered the cryo booths,

did you mean, all the cryo booths?

You have nothing to fear.

My patients have been cured for many centuries.

Come.

Join us for lunch.

Let me introduce you. Joseph Stalin.

Pree-vee-et. Call me Joe.

- Adolf Hitler. - Please, call me, Dolphy.

No Mein Fuhrers, that's the old me.

- Messalina. - Ca ll me, uh,

anytime.

She is such a joker.

It is so lovely for us to have guests.

Some wine? Let me be Mutter.

Now, appetizers?

Pumpernickel canapés? We just got them out of cryo. I made them myself.

Fruit?

That's a keeper.

Oh, and you must try his puddings.

Dolphy makes the most divine choux pastry.

Oh, Messie, please, you're embarrassing me.

She's terrible.

Oh, sorry, I'm late.

- May I sit here? - Sure.

I'm Vlad. The Impaler.

Ah. Are you on your own or is there a Mrs. The Impaler?

What about all the other scientists?

I mean, surely you weren't here on your own.

Well many years ago they sent a Special Task Force to eliminate us.

But with our pooled skills, we managed to survive.

Why would they try to eliminate you?

A cure for evil would mean an end to War.

An end to war would mean no Arms industry.

Which would mean, trillions of lost dollar-pounds.

The first World economy would slump.

The Second and Third world economy would boom.

There would be no one to exploit.

Society wouldn't work any more.

Yes, they couldn't allow the end of evil to happen.

So they marooned us here,

with no hope of getting back to Earth.

But enough. Let us eat.

There's much to do.

After lunch, we must show you our engineering department.

In the meantime, a toast.

To new friends.

New friends.

New friends.

Selfie.

Tea?

Or, as you English, say,

'Would you like a nice cup of cha?'

I'm fine, thanks.

I hope you don't mind me saying this, but I just totally adore your jacket.

Where did you buy it?

London? Paris?

New York?

I bought it in a second-hand shop on Mimas, and then I painted it myself.

Nein way.

Your manipulation of the palette is dazzling.

And your use of saturated colours to celebrate the counter culture

spirit of the piece is so...

Chic and fun.

That's what I was going for.

It so works.

Did you go to art school?

Yeah.

Get out of town! I went to art school, too.

Well, I applied but they wouldn't take me.

You probably didn't fail enough exams.

- You still paint? - Not so much

since I was reincarnated, I'm trying to explore other sides of myself.

I play guitar now.

Get out. I play guitar.

You are schizing me.

We should jam sometime.

Yeah. Maybe.

Are you waiting for these pieces to dry? How about now?

Look I can't jam with you, OK?

It's because I'm Hitler, isn't it?

Look, I admit I was evil.

But it is a disease, I'm cured now. Really, I am.

What is it they say?

'To err is human,

to forgive divine.

I can't jam with you, is cause I haven't got my guitar.

I got a bunch of guitars in my quarters.

Hi. We didn't get much of a chance to talk at lunch

so I brought you some milk.

Don't even think about it, Lady.

I know all about your murderous, poisoning, nympho-seducing ways,

so let me tell you right now.

This, is off limits.

- All right. - I know this is gonna be hell for you.

Like dangling the world's juiciest steak in front of a starving pitbull.

But you're just gonna have to accept the fact

that no matter how much you want it

you ain't getting it. Got it?

That's fine.

Now, I'm going to be working, which means I may be bending down a lot.

I might even get sweaty and have to pop of my shirt. Now if that happens,

I suggest you fashion some sort of bib, to catch the drool.

Otherwise, we're gonna be slipping and sliding all over the place

Look, you do not need to worry because I'm really not interested in you.

- You're not interested? - No.

In me?

Not in the slightest.

We are talking about me, right?

You're just, uh...

not my type.

Not your type!

Every type's your type. Your type's every type.

How am I not your type?

You just don't ping my bell.

Ping your bell!!

You know what, Lady. They were right.

You are crazy.

# I like to go

# A wandering

# Around the mountain track

- # And as I go I like to sing - # And as I go I like to sing

- #With a knapsack on my back - #With a knapsack on my back

- #Valdarie - #Valdarie

- #Valdara - #Valdara

- #Valdarie - #Valdarie

# Valdar a ahahahahaaha

- #Valdarie - #Valdarie

- #Valdara - #Valdara

# With a knapsack on my back

# knapsack on my back

# I like to go a wandering

#Around the mountain track

#And as I go I like to sing

# With a knapsack on my back

- #Valdarie - #Valdarie

- #Valdara - #Valdara

- #Valdarie - #Valdarie

#Valdar a hahahaha

- # Valdarie - # Valdarie

- # Valdara - # Valdara

# With a knapsack on my back

Thank you, deep space!

Lister, can I have a word?

Jamming with Hitler?

You think that's all right?

Can't you see what he's doing?

Before you know it, he'll have you in Lederhosen playing,

'Tomorrow belongs to me.'

I got carried away. I thought it was the right thing to do.

'The right thing to do'?

Playing soft rock with a man who caused World War II?

Playing soft rock! That's never the right thing to do.

Sirs, there isn't time to discuss this now.

Grave news I'm afraid.

We've detected a protoplanet

which is going to collide with this moon

in less than ten hours.

We're outta here as soon as that sandstorm clears.

What about Hitler and the others?

- Are we gonna bring them? - I think we're pretty much covered

in the Fascist dictator department.

They don't know anything about the protoplanet.

The thruster's fixed,

we're out of here the second the sand storm passes

around three in the morning.

So you're suggesting that we just walk away from here

and leave them to die?

No. I'm suggesting we leg it from here and leave them to die.

But that's immoral, Rimmer. That's not right. Cured or not cured.

It's an ethical dilemma, sir, I'll grant you that.

We go at three. We're not taking the evils. No arguments.

- Yea h, what about Telford? - Apart from Telford.

Well, he won't go without everyone else.

Well, then, we'll leave him too.

In fact, let's leave him too.

I mean, having to put a whole lot of ramps all over Red Dwarf,

what a giant pain that will be.

And why should he get the big toilet

with the snazzy red chord, all to himself?

Rimmer, if we leave them to die here, we're no better than they were.

It means we're committing an act of evil, ourselves.

Oh, no, we're taking them all.

I'm gonna tell them we leave at three.

You know what, I don't feel that great.

Feel like I might have been druuu...

What do you think he was trying to say?

Do you think it might possibly have been 'drugged, ' sir?

I think, I might have been drugg... too.

What's going on? What are we going to do?

I'm not sure I can help, sir.

I think my hard drive's been hacked.

And as we speak,

someone's closing down my files,

and enabling a voice shut dowwwnnnnnn...

Am I next?

Where am I?

What's this?

Ah.

'A. Hitler.'

He's buried me alive.

Help! Help!

This is a nightmare.

This is my worst fear ever.

Being buried alive.

Nothing's worse than being buried alive.

How can anything be worse than this?

Ah!

What's going on?

What! No!

No! They're not cured!

What the hell!

I hate water!

Not my clothes. They're 'dry clean' only.

Help!

Hello! I've got no arms.

How am I gonna mop up, ever again.

Kryten?

What have they done to you? Where's your head?

I don't understand sign language, Kryten.

It's no good signing slower. I don't understand sign language.

Have you lost your mind?

Come on, let's go and find the others.

Yeah, and your head.

Oh, sir, thank goodness.

This way.

Rimmer!

Rimmer!

Shh. Listen.

Help!

I think they put him in the waste disposal.

- Help. - No.

I was starting to think this whole damned day

couldn't get any worse

and then you get a boost like this.

- We've gotta get him out. - Get him out! Are you crazy!

We should seal him in.

Rimmer's locked in there.

I mean, aren't you getting the claustrophobic sweats

- just thinking about it? - No.

I'm not in there. He is.

But if it was you in there, how would you feel if you were Rimmer?

Ugly.

Get him out.

'22-89-62.'

That's the last time I ever trust a psychopath.

He's unconscious. He's received a blow to the head.

I think we may have interrupted his attacker.

We've been looking for you everywhere.

- What happened to Telford? - He's been attacked.

- And he's not the only one. - Rimmer got buried alive.

Cat got sealed in a water tank.

I nearly had me love spuds lasered.

Kryten woke up with his head on a stake.

Who could have done this?

It's an absolute mystery.

You think we had something to do with this?

They found his head impaled on a stake.

So somebody's head winds up impaled on a stake, so it's automatically

got to be, Vlad the impaler!

Well, let's be fair, you have got a bit of previous.

Four or five thousand mistakes and you never hear the last of it.

Whoever buried me alive,

left this behind.

'A. Hitler.'

And you think that's mine!

It did cross my mind.

It's not possible.

There's an Andy Hitler.

Or an Ainsley Hitler.

And even if it did stand for 'Adolf, '

that doesn't necessarily mean that it is mine.

Oh, no, wait, it is mine.

Who stole my zippo?

So what now?

One or more of you isn't cured.

We've got to find out who and fix them.

How?

By employing the psychopathy scanner.

That'll tell us who the fruit loop is.

But wait a minute.

How do we know it's not one of you guys, eh?

You think I buried myself?

Do you think I'd wave bye bye to my two best friends?

Everybody gets tested.

Ready to commence, sir.

Processing now.

Scanning all brains.

I know who my money's on.

'Don't ping my bell!'

No wonder they couldn't kill you.

Well, there is indeed a psychopath among us.

According to the psycho scan,

they display all the tell-tale signs.

Greatly reduced empathy,

no remorse, and a massive sense of self worth.

I knew it! Which one of them is it?

It's you, sir.

What?

According to this, sir, you are a psychopath.

Let me see that.

'Vain, superficial, self centred, '

'self-obsessed, unaware of others feelings.'

'Narcissistic and egotistical!'

I can't believed they haven't mentioned handsome.

A psychopath he may be, Kryten, but he's not the type that kills.

Hmm. Wait.

There's something else coming through.

Must be an apology for forgetting to mention 'handsome.'

There are two psychopaths.

One is the cat.

The second is...

It's Professor Telford.

Hey! How come he's walking. I thought he needed a wheelchair.

He was faking it.

They're doids.

So, who're you?

United America.

Head of research and development.

I was a neuroscientist.

I brain hacked entire populations and made them attack themselves,

before my arrest and execution.

You were the patient. The only patient.

They were the scientists trying to cure you.

Indeed they were.

Didn't it strike you as curious

that Hitler didn't really look very much like Hitler?

He was an android neuroscientist

physically identical to his creator, Professor john Asquith.

I rewrote his programming.

There's one thing I don't understand,

why didn't you leg it when we were trapped?

But I did, but I couldn't start Starbug.

It must have some special ignition sequence.

What is it?

Ah!

So you can't go anywhere without us.

I only need one of you.

The rest of you

are going to die.

- You. - Who? Me?

You have no loyalty to them. A cat has no fidelity

to anyone but himself. join me.

I don't care what the damn scan says

we're the posse.

- Boys from the Dwarf. - Yeah.

- No one's changing sides here. - Nuh-uh.

And I'll give you anything that you want.

Sounds good.

- Cat man! - Hey, I'm a cat.

It's my nature.

I can't help it. You heard him.

- I have no fidelity. - Well, in that case, sir,

- why be on his side? Be on ours. - Okay.

I'll give you anything that your heart desires,

if you join me and show me how the ship starts.

Okay, deal.

I'll give you anything that your heart desires,

plus, a special secret surprise,

if you join us.

I love secret surprises.

They're not going to be giving you anything because pretty soon,

they're gonna be dead.

In fact, let me prove it to you by killing them

- one by one. - No, wait.

I'm with you. But I get to do it.

Hmm?

Can I trust you?

Can I?

Really?

I'm a psychopath, ain't I?

You and me, both.

What more do you need?

I'm starving. Let's eat.

You shot him.

How was that for a pokey face, huh?

It's poker face.

I only have to know how to do it, not say it.