Original subtitles

("RED DWARF" THEME)

(SCREAMS)

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

(CROAKS) Come in.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

(WEAKLY) Come in.

- (KNOCK AT DOOR) - Come in.

Can I come in, sir?

I did knock, sir. Perhaps you didn't hear me.

Your hot lemon, sir.

Goddamn yellow fever. I've still got that jowly flabby puffiness around my cheeks.

Wasn't that there before your illness, sir?

Yes, I'm sure it was because...

Let me tuck you in, sir.

- How's life on probation? Fouled it up yet? - Enjoying it. Directives for you to sign, sir.

What's this Space Corps free pardon exonerating you of all crimes doing in here?

(GASPS)

Those people in Admin really need to pay more mind, sir. You can't rely on anyone these days!

I'm so sorry, but if I've got a record, I'll never become an officer and command my own ship.

That's what I long for - to be like you.

Maybe thinner and in better condition,

and, obviously, without your clogged arteries.

That aside, you're the person I admire the most.

- Another ambition achieved. - You think I could become an officer one day?

Look, it gives me no pleasure telling you this, Rimmer, but you're just not officer material.

- Not officer material, sir? - Take my advice and redirect your energies.

Find something that you have a genuine chance of succeeding at.

Like what, sir?

(CROAKING MUMBLE)

I'm never going to become a captain, sir? Never?

(CROAKS)

(KNOCKING)

- They said it was OK to drop by. - Talia?

Well, hi!

Hi.

- Rimmer's just leaving. - I can't believe I've run into you again

after all this time.

The nanobots must have resurrected you, too.

You look wonderful.

You made captain. You've done so well.

Your own ship. Wow! I've got goosebumps.

The photograph of your wife, sir, is it OK where it is or shall I turn it to face the wall?

- Dismissed, Rimmer. - Thank you. Nothing I can get you, ma'am?

Tea, coffee? Packet of three?

Me not make it? What does he know, the big stupid yellow idiot?

He didn't see my good side. My guile, my weasel cunning and, when the going gets tough,

my ability to find good hiding places.

He thinks I'm an imbecile. He really does.

Me, an imbecile (!)

Alertl Alertl A choccie nut bar...

A choccie nut bar has been removed without payment.

A choccie nut bar has been removed without payment.

- Alertl Alertl - Shut up!

Shan't. Alertl Alertl

Shut up or I'll pour soup into your speaker and you'll drown.

Take your hand off me speaker.

- Promise to shut up? - Promise.

Ha, ha, hal

Alertl Alertl Chocolate abduction on floor 341.

Ooh, you will not get away with this.

I may not be able to see you but I know your taste in confectionery,

and I also know... No, in fact, that is all I know - just your taste in confectionery.

I'll hear your voice again, and I'll expose you for the chocolate-thieving dog you arel

I'm scared - I'm being threatened by a dispensing machine (!)

Are you gonna leave a horse's head made out of marzipan in my bed (?)

Oh, Mummy! Help, help! I'm really scared (!)

Rimmer.

You forgot your tray.

Thank you, sir.

He stole some chocolatel He stole...

You are my nemesis.

One day, our paths will cross again and I will destroy youl

And on that day, I will be the captain of this ship (!)

It's OK for Mr Cushy, working for the captain now, but what about me? All that damn rock!

My back's killing me, bud.

Look at my spine. It's so curved,

if you threw it away, it'd come back.

Rock, rock, rock, rock.

I ain't used to work, but what job do they give me?

Something to do with rock, sir?

Exactly! Do you know what they got me doing?

I gotta put all the rock albums on the PA system.

I gotta change those suckers once every 45 minutes.

I'm a physical wreck!

Probation's killing me, boys.

- What's that? - A present to help cheer up Miss Kochanski.

- A calendar? - The other day, she looked at the old calendar

and said it was the wrong time of the month, so I got her a new one.

I'll tell her - the calendar people made a mistake,

but let's leave this wrong month thing behind us.

Being grumpy and tearful about it is getting it way out of proportion.

A little word in your audio receiver.

This happens to all women? They become cranky and weird? You never see this in films or on TV.

I thought men controlled the media. This is the biggest cover-up since Watergate!

It's no big deal. I'll tell you what to do and how to behave - everything.

Just trust me.

(SINGS) Da-dahl

Thank goodness for Mr Lister. I nearly made such a fool of myself.

A little present, ma'am.

All gift-wrapped.

I hope I chose the right size.

- Dave told you to do this, didn't he? - Isn't he wonderful!

Oh, yeah. Sometimes, he's so cute, I could just eat him.

He explained everything to me so I wouldn't embarrass myself. Come on, then, open it!

I want you to try it on.

Maybe you could do a little twirl in it.

Kryten, how can I put this?

Is there something wrong, ma'am?

He set me up, didn't he?

This is absolutely not what you're supposed to do when a woman is having a...

Is the banner wrong, too?

(HIGH-PITCHED WAIL) He was lying!

I've been duped by a master craftsman.

- Well, two can play at this game. - What do you have in mind?

Are you sure you have time for this? I realise the next few days are very special for you.

Don't you want to be playing tennis a lot in tight white jeans?

Wouldn't want to stop you from doing that.

Not forgetting all that blue stuff you've got to pour over things.

Just tell me your plan for getting Dave back.

Right. Here's my idea. (WHISPERS)

(IMITATES FAX) Bling!

Hah! Glug, glug...

- (BEEP) - That's Hol. He must want something.

Here's some hot-off-the-press confidential-insider information.

There's gonna be a cell inspection in about ten minutes. Keep it under your hat.

Cell inspection in ten minutes.

Told you.

Thanks, Hol. It was most helpful.

When it comes to being ahead of the game, I'm the man.

Where did you get that priceless nugget of info way before it got into the public domain?

I've hacked into the ship 's computer system. Got into the prison log.

I got a goosey at the supplies inventory.

There's stuff in there that will make your hair stand on end.

What stuff?

Brylcreme it's called.

Put it on your head and it makes your hair stand on end.

We've only two jars left, so if you need some, let me know.

As soon as I've got anything else that's useful, I'll be back.

See you in about 25 years, then.

- My scar's itchy. It must be all the dust. - You've got a scar? When did you get that?

Those complimentary pens the hospital guys were handing out.

The "Most Accidents Happen in the Home, So Be Careful" ones.

I stabbed meself in the head with one.

- Where were you? - I wasn't at home, so I didn't feel stupid.

That's not a scar, that's a nick.

- That is a scar. - Where did you get that?

From a fight years ago. Duel.

A duel? You?

(LAUGHS) Get outta town!

Not A duel. "Duel" - the old Steven Spielberg movie.

A friend of mine attacked me with the video case.

Some stupid argument about who had the coolest bicycle clips. I got him back, though.

I peed in his mum's steam iron. He had yellow T-shirts for a week.

(BEEPING FAX)

Why's that going off?

It's from Kryten. "Look under the draughts board."

Another note. "Dear Mr Lister, thanks for your wonderful advice regarding Miss Kochanski.

"In return, I thought I'd steal Baxter's stash of illegal hooch and hide it in your shower.

"I am laughing as I write this, knowing your cell is about to be searched,

"and imagining the panic now gripping your soul!"

What are we gonna do? We've got an inspection. We're on probation!

- Down the loo. Down the sink. - Baxter's gonna kill us for doing this.

The captain's gonna kill us if we don't.

But you've seen what Baxter's like. Grizzly bears run screaming from him.

He was playing poker, ran out of money.

He bet his right nut on a pair of jacks. A pair of jacks - that's how hard he is!

Smeg! The tank's full.

What are we gonna do? We've got two bottles left.

We're gonna have to drink it.

Drink it? This is Baxter's hooch. It's about 300 per cent proof.

- This would get the entire Greek Navy drunk. - It'll put hairs on your chest.

It'll put hairs on your lips!

It'll put hairs on your hairs! It's lethal.

Do you wanna get caught in possession of illegal hooch? Get drinking.

Have we got any mixers?

You are wetter than a driving instructor's handshake! Get it down yer gob!

(CHOKING GASP)

- (COUGHS) - What's it like?

(STRANGLED VOICE) It's OK.

(SINGS) Inspectionl

On your feet.

Stand by your bunks.

You're drunk.

Drunk, sir?

No, sir.

(SLURRING) Absolutely not, sir.

No, no... No.

Who fancies a kebab?

(BOTH) Oh, yeah!

Smeg!

He's tricked us.

(LAUGHS)

Must have been the sherry trifle for lunch, sir. Told him not to go back for seconds, sir.

(SNORES)

Call the medi bay. We need two stomach pumps.

Super suck.

It's Baxter.

Your two mates stole my hooch.

When they get out of hospital, and there's no guards about...

...this is what's gonna happen to them.

(CRAZY LAUGH)

You're gonna squeeze their rolls?

That's irritating,

but in many ways, they'll be relieved.

What have I done?

(RIMMER GROANS)

Baxter's out to mash you. You've gotta escape. We all have.

Security's lax here. If we can make it to the landing bay and steal a ship, Bob's your scutter.

- Where's the Cat? - He'll be getting hospitalised any second.

Pass the salt, would you?

That guy there took some of your fries.

What in the hell are you doing...

...Shirley (?)

I'm stealing your fries...

...fat boy (!)

Mmm... This is good.

Tasty!

There ain't no one more bad-ass evil than me in the whole of hell.

What makes you think you can dis me and live?

'Cause things are changing round here.

From now on, marshmallow ass,

you're my bitch.

Your what?

B-l-H. Bitch! That's what you look like, that's what you are, understand?

OK.

What?

Anyone who tough-talks me gotta be a no-loading pug.

You want me to be your bitch, that's fine by me, sir!

Are you sure you don't wanna just hit me a couple of times?

No, sir. I'm your bitch.

From now on, I'm your jiggly-wiggly, rollover, sweet patootie, honey-bun missy.

I just wanna make you happy.

Then hit me!

And hurt my baby's kisser? Nothin' doin'!

Damn!

- We gotta be outta here by five o'clock. - What's so special about five o'clock?

Five o'clock's bed-bath time, and I'm doing them!

The microbe which destroyed the Hermes.

- It's on Red Dwarf! - How?

The microbe's chameleonic, so it must have been the escape pod - the one Talia arrived on.

- We've got to go back and tell them. - What about our escape?

It could be days before they discover this. If we go back now, they can work on an antidote.

You're just acting all brave and manly to impress her, aren't you?

Dave's right. He's looking at the big picture.

Yeah - the big picture involves you, no clothes and a haystack.

Red Dwarf is being devoured from within by a corrosive micro-organism.

We don't have enough craft for everyone to be rescued,

so most of you will be staying behind to die.

There's an apology about that in the internal mail.

It's been created in a lab and programmed not to destroy glass.

So all we need is a plutonium-powered greenhouse.

We need an antidote that will neutralize the corrosive negativity of the microbe.

- Something with a corrosive positivity? - Where do we get that?

There's nothing in "Yellow Pages".

A mirror universe where things are diametrically opposite to this one.

There, negative becomes positive and a virus becomes an antidote.

If the prism is flawed, the mirror universe may be an imperfect version of our own.

We won't know until we get there.

It's overloaded. We've lost Mr Rimmer!

- At last! Things are looking up. - How long will it take to fix it?

Best guess, about 20 minutes.

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Can I come in, sir? I did knock. Perhaps you didn't hear me.

Here's your hot lemon, sir.

Thank you, um...

...Private Nobody.

A few directives to sign, sir.

Of course, laddie.

A free pardon exonerating you from all crimes?

Ooh! I don't know how that got in there, sir. I...

Want to be an officer, don't you, laddie?

Oh, sir. Could I one day? Could I be?

No, I don't think you could.

Of course - it's a mirror universe. Everything's opposite.

My God!

This is gonna take some getting used to.

They said it was OK to drop by. You look wonderful.

So do you.

- That'll be all, Shambles. - Yes, sir.

You made captain. You've done so well.

Your own ship. Wow! I've got goosebumps.

So have I.

Let me kiss you.

(MUFFLED PROTEST)

What are you doing?

I'm giving you a big wet snog with oodles of Tommy Tongue.

But I'm your sister.

Yes, of course, but I was really pleased to see you.

- I, um... - You French kissed me.

No, it was nearer Antwerp. I Belgian kissed you.

I...

I've been really ill.

You're the captain's sister?

Oh, my God! What a terrible dream!

Hi, sis. It's Arnie, your bro. Get your big old lumpy bum down here and give us a big hug!

Captain Rimmer,

I am Sister Talia Garrett.

Your personal spiritual adviser.

(SHE SOBS)

Sister whoever you are...

Oh, smeg!

Excuse me.

- Yes? - Could you tell me what this is?

You'll need to ask the professor. He does the stupid, brainbox-type stuff.

Somebody call?

- Professor? - Yes, Captain?

Perhaps you could help me. What's this?

- It's an alkaline. - What's it called?

Sessyum-frankilithic-mixi-alibilium-rixi-dixi doxy-dexy-droxide. You look surprised.

I never thought I'd hear you say that. Can you write it down for me?

Certainly. Can I have an extremely long piece of paper, dear?

The antidote! I did it!

(ECHOING CLANGING AND BANGING)

(CREAKING, BANGING)

Where is everyone?

(DISPENSING MACHINE) They crossed into the mirror universe.

As the highest-ranked crew member left, you're now captain.

- Congratulations, Cap (l) - Smeg off!

(HISSING STEAM, EXPLOSION)

Where are you going?

To make up a formula.

The formula on that paper has now turned into the formula for the virus.

You've left the mirror universe, so it's turned back into its opposite. (LAUGHS)

Smeg! You're right.

- This is a disaster! - No, there could still be a happy ending.

- How? - Remember that chocolate bar?

You could pay me back before you snuff it.

How's that a happy ending?

It's a happy ending for me. At least my totals will tally.

Why don't you smeg off, you annoying little smeggy, smegging smegger?

Every dog has his day.

And today's the day...

... that I'm the dogl

Smeg!

(SOARING VIOLINS)

- (HOWLING WIND) - Arnold Judas Rimmer.

Your life is over.

Come with me.

You will travel to the River Styx where you will place a coin...

Not today, matey!

Remember - only the good die young.

- (DEATH) That's never happened before! - (THUD!)

It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere

I'm all alone, more or less

Let me fly far away from here

Fun, fun, fun

In the sun, sun, sun

I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose

Drinking fresh mango juice

Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes

Fun, fun, fun

In the sun, sun, sun

Fun, fun, fun

In the sun, sun, sun