Original subtitles

(RIMMER) What happened? (LISTER) They're frozen on the spot.

Yvonne McGruder did this when I tried to kiss her.

This'll drive them crazy!

This machine digitises time - we can release jets of it.

It's restored your hair to a previous time period.

It was an accident.

Hot Bovril.

Agh!

- Fix him with the time wand. - Watch this.

And this is Pete.

The excitement of being free has killed him!

He really loved that bird. It was the only thing that kept him going.

I think the time wand could bring Pete back to life - make him young and strong again.

Watch.

("RED DWARF" THEME)

Where did Barney's ugly brother come from?

From Pete, sir. Birds are descended from dinosaurs.

I inadvertently reversed evolution several million years.

Is that you, Pete?

Birdman!

What now, sir?

Follow the Rimmer-shaped blur!

Hey, Pete!

Eat me!

Here, Bob. Catch!

(POUNDING FOOTSTEPS)

Bob!

(ROARS)

Bob!

(BOB SQUEAKS)

Come on, Kryten. Hurry up!

Leg-it mode, sir.

- We've lost the time wand. - How are we gonna get rid of that thing now?

We're finished!

Stop yelling. Let's think our way out of this.

We're finished!

Shut up and get a grip, man.

I'm sorry. It's just I was... Look, I'm better now.

- Can I just say one thing? - Go on.

We're finished!

Hol, we've been cornered by a T. Rex that was formerly a sparrow.

The only thing that can turn it back into a bird is in its stomach. Any ideas?

- Do you want the long or the short version? - Ooh... Long.

You're finished.

What's the short version?

Bye.

- Kryten. - Yes, ma'am?

How long will it take for Pete to pass the time wand out of his system?

I don't have that information in my database.

My programmers, for some insane reason,

believed dinosaur bowel movement frequency tables wouldn't be required. Imbeciles!

What's your suggestion?

The quicker we get the time wand back, the better, right? So why don't we lure Pete

into the food bay and get him to eat some roughage?

Get a T. Rex to eat roughage?

Yeah! All Bran, prunes, baked beans on toast. That sort of stuff.

We can't get Lister to eat that, let alone a dinosaur.

The more roughage, the quicker we get the time wand back.

- Have you got a better idea? - Yes, I have.

I'm going to kill myself.

(ROARING)

We've got to keep this dinosaur business quiet or we're dead.

Keep him quiet? He's rampaging about the food decks,

making more noise than two yodelling champions on honeymoon.

- Everyone will have heard him by now. - But, sir, the crew are frozen,

operating on a different time stream.

If we can turn Pete back into a sparrow before the freeze expires,

- no one need be any the wiser. - He's right.

I listened to everything he said, and I still ain't got a clue what's happening.

(ROARS)

(KRYTEN) Right over, sir.

Right over.

Cow vindaloo?

It's not gonna work.

- Of course it's gonna work. - T. Rexes don't like curry.

They're hard, aren't they? Of course they like curries!

If a T. Rex was a bloke, he'd be a Geordie -

the kind of guy who wears T-shirts in winter and his nipples don't even get hard.

A seven-ton theropod is not gonna eat Indian food. They like flesh, preferably living,

liberally coated in blood with a side order of intestines and extra blood -

a bit like the French in that respect.

We've got nothing to lose.

If the worst comes to the worst and the dino doesn't eat it, I'll scoff it meself.

(ROARS)

- That door won't hold out much longer. - If only that T. Rex felt like I do now.

He wouldn't even need a curry.

- Don't put that stuff in. You'll spoil the taste. - Right. Here he comes.

(CLANGING, POUNDING)

- (PURRING GROWL) - It's loving it!

Maybe we should have made some poppadoms.

Gone the whole hog.

A whole hog?

Like it wasn't hard enough getting a whole cow?

(ROARS)

Think he wants a lager.

(GROWLING ROAR)

(WAILING GROAN)

It was a hot one, but I thought it could stand it.

(WAILS)

(SPLINTERING CRASH)

The time freeze must have... If only those buttons were more clearly marked!

The rules on dinosaurs aboard JMC mining ships are very clear.

No pets. Am I right?

Am I right?!

- Yes, sir. - Have you any idea

- the damage that thing has caused? - No, sir.

It has eaten our entire supply - two and a half tons - of mint-choc ice cream.

I love mint-choc ice cream, and that damn dino has eaten every last bit.

- We just wanted the time wand back, sir. - It's also eaten 400 crates of orange ice pops,

and drunk all the Coca Cola.

Guess what.

- You love orange ice pops and Coca Cola. - I LOVE orange ice pops and Coca Cola!

If you just let us...

Do you know what happens when a dinosaur eats cow vindaloo,

then eats two and a half tons of mint-choc ice cream,

followed by 400 crates of orange ice pops,

and swills the whole thing down with 2,000 gallons of a popular fizzy drink?

Do you know what happens?

It burps?

Oh, it burps!

And do you know what happened to the poor, brave men

who had the misfortune to get in the way of that burp?

They went, "Phwoar!"

It took out the entire platoon,

hurling them 20 feet across the cargo bay wall.

I hope this one small dinosaur incident won't tarnish an otherwise flawless record, sir.

Do you know what happens when a dinosaur eats cow vindaloo,

two and a half tons of mint-choc ice cream,

followed by 400 crates of orange ice pops,

and swills it all down with 2,000 gallons of a popular fizzy drink AFTER it's burped?

- It feels sick? - Oh, no.

It doesn't FEEL sick, Rimmer.

It IS sick.

Five of our best men nearly drowned.

Two others are in hospital,

concussed by pieces of carrot the size of tree trunks.

We are really deeply, deeply, deeply sorry, sir.

Do you know what happens when a dinosaur has eaten cow vindaloo,

then eats two and a half tons of mint-choc ice cream followed by...

- Oh, God, it didn't! - It didn't what, Lister?

It didn't get a diarrhoea attack, did it?

100 per cent correct!

And do you know what happened to the battalion that was sneaking up on the beast?

From behind?

Of which I was a proud member?

Do you know?

Do you know what happened?

- I've got a fair idea, sir. - A fair idea, sir.

A tidal wave.

15 feet high.

I will be in therapy for the rest of my life. I've had 12 baths and three showers.

Now, do you have anything to say?

I think you missed a bit up your left nostril, sir.

Nobody knows how to work this thing.

It is sedated in the cargo bay. Turn it back into a sparrow.

Sir, what about Bob? Did he show up?

Who the hell do you think landed on my head?

He is in repairs, being oiled.

Bring back the sparrow.

- And if you try anything smart, you're dead. - Yes, sir.

And if I ever, ever, ever see you in this office again,

you are finished.

See you in ten minutes?

See you in ten minutes?

See you in ten minutes?

See you in ten minutes?

See you in ten minutes?

See you in ten minutes?

Did you get punishment duty, too?

I've got to iron 800 prison smocks. I don't understand.

Why do you get punishment duty and I get a reward?

800! Bliss!

Did you see the captain's report?

The one lying open on his desk.

Did you see what it said about you? It used the word "imbecile" four times in one sentence.

Oh, yeah? What were the other words in the sentence?

Just your name and a dash.

You make two tiny mistakes - give the captain a virus that eats all his hair off,

turn a sparrow into a dinosaur -

and you never hear the last of it!

(SIGHS) He really thinks I'm an imbecile? I'm never going to make it into high command now.

Only people who know you think you're an imbecile.

Everyone else thinks you're a moron.

He is a good captain, though, Captain Hollister - on the ball. Quick.

Quick? The only time he's quick is when he's passing a salad bar.

- You do admire him, though, don't ya? - Admire him?

A man who has his own cinema pick and mix factory in his quarters?

A man who has a walk-in fridge?

Who lists as his hobbies, chewing and swallowing?

You did tell me once before, though, you respect HIM, don't ya?

Respect him?

A man whose family crest is made up of two cream buns and a profiterole?

A man who... He's standing behind me, isn't he?

Yes, he is.

I was just talking about you, sir. I was saying what a big fat lump of blubber you are

and how that potato virus I contracted yesterday has had no side effects.

(JABBERS)

You forgot this. You left it in my office.

Do you have any idea the damage that this could cause if it got into the wrong hands?

Look after it!

You're there. I know you're there, you little sod! Come on. Out! Out!

There's a mouse under here. It's been scuttling around.

- It's not a mouse, ma'am. It's Archie. - Archie?

My penis. It must have escaped.

I must get my ears syringed. Do you know what that sounded like to me?

I made one.

Forget my ears. Maybe my whole brain needs syringing. You made one?

Out of an electron board, a loo roll,

some sticky-backed plastic and an Action Man's polo-neck jumper.

Kryten, why do you want one?

It's so humiliating being posted to the women's wing just because I'm genitally challenged,

so I made one like Mr Lister's.

The little rascal must have got bored jumping in and out of his hoop.

No wonder I couldn't lure him out with cheese. This whole thing's making sense now.

Leave this to me, ma'am. Here, Archie. Here, boy.

Chook-chook-chook.

- There he is! - (TRILLING)

(ECHOING TRILLING)

- Do you realise what this means? - No, ma'am.

- It means you're a real man. - Why?

Because, like all men, you have no control over your penis.

I'm so proud! Archie, come back!

All right, girls? New Canary mission.

- What? - Untamed dino on the loose.

We're not going in till we know what we're doing.

That could take years.

Point that thing at yourself by mistake and you could wind up as a sperm.

- Is that what you want? - Hell, no!

None of my suits will fit!

If that gizmo thing don't work, Captain says we've gotta get that T. Rex.

- We ain't using no guns. - Guns are for wusses.

It's gonna be hand-to-hand combat.

A fist fight with a T. Rex?

Yeah, but them T. Rexes, mate, they only got little arms. They ain't got no reach.

I'll just pick it off.

- Can't reach anything with them little arms. - That's probably why they're a bit grumpy.

- Oh, my God! - What?

- Something's wrong! - What do you mean, man?

Something's inside me and it wants to get out!

Agh!

Help!

(TRILLING)

- What is it? - I think it's Archie, sir.

- It's who? - He probably followed us.

He must have dozed off in the Cat's pocket and just woke up.

Who the smeg is Archie?

Don't be alarmed, sir. It's just my penis is on the loose.

(CAT YELLS)

(YELLING)

We wanna barney with Barney.

Don't want any sane people spoiling it.

Death or glory. Yee-hah!

Hang on, guys. Wait a minute.

(GRUNTS)

This thing's useless.

Say goodbye to your teeth!

Agh!

We're getting our butts kicked and it doesn't hurt.

See? I'm not even bleeding.

You're right.

They put your bodies on a different time stream to the rest of you.

Let's go!

You lost the time wand?

- We were ambushed, sir. - By whom?

- First of all by... - (RIMMER PROTESTS)

- Then we were jumped by... Sir. - (PROTESTS)

That's it?

OK. No more Mr Nice Guy. No more second chances.

You get that time wand back. You get that sparrow back.

And if you step outta line one more time,

one more time,

you're dead, do you understand?

What was that?

I feel... Ooh!

What the hell is going on?

The effects of the fight have caught up with us.

Get out of here, both of you!

Out!

Agh!

Getting that time wand back could take for ever.

They can zap us with it and turn us into anything.

I don't think getting it back is gonna be much of a problem.

(GRUNTING)

(GENTLE SNORING)

- (RIMMER) It's going to go wrong, isn't it? - I've just got to press "Undo".

The time wand will undo everything it's done. We'll even get Birdman back.

- Something's gonna go wrong. - Will you relax?

Birdman's boots.

Now to get the rest of him back.

Pete ate me!

He ate me!

He must be really out of sorts. He's never eaten me before.

Never.

Pete!

- (TWEETING) - Do you want some seed?

- Now destroy the time wand. - This machine's priceless.

Destroy it.

(CRACKING)

What are we gonna do now?

Now rebuild the time wand.

It's absolutely priceless!

Stop that dinosaur!

- It's gone in the lift! - Get it back!

Oh! That coconut milk felt great.

Oh, I'm such a wreck!

(MOANS)

Whoa!

(MOANS) That's great.

Oh! There's a certain roughness about your touch that really hits the spot!

(BELLOWING ROAR)

The hole, sir.

(SONG) It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere

I'm all alone, more or less

Let me fly far away from here

Fun, fun, fun

In the sun, sun, sun

I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose

Drinking fresh mango juice

Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes

Fun, fun, fun

In the sun, sun, sun

Fun, fun, fun

In the sun, sun, sun