Original subtitles

("RED DWARF" THEME)

One day in this lousy, stinking penal colony, and I'm cracking up.

Everyone's so deranged and brutal, it's frightening. I was so depressed,

- I saw the social worker. - Was he any help?

Not really. He beat me up.

He said I was a whining nancy boy with girly white legs,

then pummelled me repeatedly with his book "Showing Compassion to Inmates".

- Social workers are supposed to be nice. - I was so shellshocked,

- I told the priest everything. - What did he say?

He said I was a whining baby who was missing his mum.

Then he beat me up, too.

You can still see the crucifix marks in the back of my head.

It's 'cause we're in G tower. The staff are mad here.

One guy said as a reward for good behaviour, they move you to the luxury block on D wing.

It's nice there. They even shampoo the rats - groom their tails and everything.

I must look it up in my "Michelin Guide to Penal Hellholes".

I'm sure it gets the full five slop-out buckets.

They've got TVs, music centres. They've even got a trouser press.

Since when were you interested in a trouser press?

You care less about your appearance than a member of the Dutch Royal Family.

No, if we got moved to a cell with a trouser press,

we could make cheese toasties.

What's this?

"Floor 13 information pack.

"If privacy is required when using toilet, please wear blindfold."

What's the book?

"Gideon's Bible."

He follows me everywhere, that bloke.

I was staying in a hotel once - he left his bible there as well.

Two years later, another hotel, dozy git left it behind again.

(SIGHS)

Everything is ruined. My career's over. I've no goal, no hope, no life.

How come that's starting to get you down now?

We're gonna spend two years in the brig. Two years with the scum of the universe -

hardened criminals, deranged droids - people so unbalanced and debauched,

they couldn't even get elected as president of the United States. We have to escape.

There's security cameras everywhere.

That mad geezer with the one eye and the funny tick said it was impossible.

He's bound to say that, he was the warden.

If only I'd hired a smarter lawyer instead of the brain-dead, pompous, stupid-haired git I got.

You defended yourself.

Yes, and I don't need reminding of that, thank you very much.

- Two years in the Tank. - Two years.

How did I get into this mess?

I think the blindfold's supposed to be for me.

This is the diary of Captain F. Hollister of the mining ship Red Dwarf.

Several crew members are being tried for crimes against the Space Corps.

- Are you familiar with the mind scan? - We are familiar with the mind scan, sir.

It will involve the administration

of psychotropic drugs which affect your mental state, making this process possible.

If you accept, say "Aye".

- (ALL) Aye. - Sign the consent forms,

and seal them into the envelopes provided.

We reconvene at 10 a.m. Tomorrow.

To test the veracity of their defence, I've had them placed in artificial reality

where their actions can be observed.

(FUNKY MUSIC)

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

Right now, they believe they're escaping, but we just want to observe what they do.

So that means that if anyone happens to mention any special agreements

that they've entered into... Can you excuse me? I think I've left the iron on.

Rimmer, one of the least able of my crew...

...is acting very suspiciously, being incredibly insightful and efficient.

I suspect he may have access to the crew's confidential files.

We also believe he may possess a virus

which makes him incredibly attractive to the opposite sex.

This is a remarkable serum, and, as a responsible senior officer of the Space Corps,

it's imperative I gain possession of it and use some myself.

Oh, my God, you are sexy!

So very, very sexy!

Yesterday, he was observed injecting his groin with anaesthetic -

an attempt to regain some self control.

- Hi. - (ALL) Hi.

I also suspect someone, possibly Lister, gave Rimmer access to the crew's confidential files.

He's using this information to blackmail his way up the chain of command.

It's unforgivable, but it's a technique that can work.

I should know. I used the same method myself to become captain.

If the crew discover I'm really just Dennis the doughnut boy, I'm finished.

I will continue to observe Lister's actions in AR,

and expect my suspicions to be confirmed. Report ends.

(MUSIC)

This is ground control to Midget 3. You don't appear to have flight clearance.

- Please state your name and clearance code. - Ground control, this is...

- Major Tom! - Yeah, Major Tom!

Major Tom, what is your clearance code and pilot number?

I'm sorry. I left all my details in my other pants.

I'm sorry, I didn't catch that.

- Wow! - Without take-off clearance,

- I can't permit you to fly. - I can handle this thing OK. I'm good.

I'm better than good - I'm smooth.

I feel smooth.

That's as maybe, but I need proof that you can fly that thing.

Fly? I can make this thing dance!

(CLATTER)

(UPBEAT JAZZ-FUNK)

Wow!

You free Saturday?

I am now.

Holy schmoly! I've got a date in three days' time.

- I'm gonna get ready. - You're going nowhere, man.

We are outta here!

- Thornton. - No one's allowed in there. Beat it.

Angus Thornton - aged 36, middle name Lionel.

Inside leg measurement 29, neck size 16, circumcised.

- How do you know all this? - Jazz fan.

Good credit rating.

Once admitted to hospital totally naked and attached to... (WHISPERS)

That's a slanderous, filthy, stinking, slanderous lie that you just made up.

- Who told you? - Want all the crew to know?

- Take a cigarette break. Five minutes. - OK, I'm going.

I'm lighting up already. I'm going.

Once we get a bearing on those damn nanos, we're cruising down Freedom Boulevard.

(KRYTEN) Getting something now. (LISTER) Good.

We didn't need that confidential file I gave to Rimmer. All that stuff I gave him on the captain.

Two-faced rat!

Find all references to the agreement between Lister and Rimmer...

...and remove.

(COMPUTER) All references removed.

(SIGHS)

- What's that? Something weird just happened. - I felt it, too.

- There it was again. - And again.

Oh, my!

- What is it? - I don't believe I'm here.

I have that feeling all the time.

We're in a computer-manipulated psychotropically-induced mind state.

You took the words right out of my mouth.

You mean this is our trial? Our escape is our trial?

The envelopes - when we signed the consent forms.

There was a drug on the gluey bit we licked.

So nothing's been real since then? Blue Midget, the ground controller - none of that was real?

You mean after all this, I still haven't got a date?

Another year when I have to send a Valentine card to my hand!

This is good. It proves we're innocent.

Everything we've done - escaping, trying to track down the nanos, it corroborates our story.

But you ARE guilty, guys. Who are you fooling?

I don't know why I said that.

(BLEEPING)

We're being framed.

I just said, "We're being framed," and suddenly...

It happened again. Everything we say is being...

Bananas.

If I say who I think is responsible for this, it'll get cut, too - but it's him.

You can bet on it, and if I ever catch up with him, I'll cut off both his...

...blunt knife.

- How do we stop it? - If we're plugged into AR software,

a trapdoor's built into the program to allow escape.

(SQUEAKING)

- To help you get out if the program freezes? - Precisely. There'll be a cryptic clue,

something like a trapdoor or exit.

I got it!

- There's a button here with E-11-T on it. - And?

11 is XI in Roman numerals.

E-X-l-T. Exit!

- HE got that? - It proves without a shadow of a doubt

this is not reality.

(SQUEAKING LAUGHTER)

Press it.

Now where are we?

We've landed in the screen saver.

We need to locate a power source so we can switch the AR machine off.

Power source? Well, there has to be a clue round here somewhere.

Maybe it's in this ice hole.

(ROARS)

Bleugh!

There's some food in here.

- So? - Including a bottle of ketchup.

- So? - Power ketchup, get it?

- What's to get? - Power SOURCE!

- He's even smart when he's made of Plasticine. - Press it.

Ooh.

(TAPPING KEY)

You backstabbing, weaselly smegger!

You were trying to frame us!

Listy, just the man. I know at first glance it may look bad...

God, he's gorgeous!

- Hold her back, please. No more. - Oh, those nostrils.

- They're driving me crazy. - Hold her back, Kryten. Help me!

Put the lift on hold.

I want his babies!

The luck virus. Take some.

It'll cure the virus and restore you both to normal.

God, that's so embarrassing!

- What now, Hol? - No time to lose.

You should head for the nearest one of these.

- You mean a moon? - Exactly.

We can regroup there and continue our search for the nanos.

- What about me? - Suggest we persuade you to come with us

or we bludgeon you unconscious.

Him come with us? Are you out of your mind?!

That so dumb, I should have said it!

Mr. Rimmer saw the confidential files. He knows all the security codes.

Without him, our chances of escape are as remote

as meeting an interesting hairdresser called Kylie.

If I come with you, what have you got to offer?

I'm very good at laundry, sir.

I do a damn fine moon impression.

I'm so gorgeous,

there's a six-month waiting list for birds to suddenly appear every time I'm near.

You know what they say - if you've three good friends, you're a rich man.

- Only poor people say that. - Forget it. He's not gonna change his mind.

The crew will know we're out of AR now and will send someone to investigate.

So, what's it to be?

If I leave, I'm always going to be a failure. The shame of it - every time I have a boiled egg,

knowing I don't even outrank the toastie soldiers.

- I want to be an officer. A man of honour. - Officers are head cases.

Those induction pranks they play when you qualify!

(SIGHS) I've dreamt of that proud day for years now -

as I wake up after the celebration party

and find my pubes are orange and I'm handcuffed to a goat.

And most hilarious of all, discovering I'm superglued to the rear of one of those rabbits

that whizzes round greyhound tracks.

Ah! Those mad japes they play on you. I can't miss all that.

That's not gonna happen, just like it didn't happen for the other Rimmer.

We're giving you a second chance at life,

and an opportunity for you to screw it up in a new and original way.

You'll get a seat in the cockpit and you'll be in control of at least five buttons.

He's hardly going to be impressed at being in charge of a few buttons!

Five, you say?

No more vending machine maintenance. No more getting heckled by drinks dispensers.

That's five whole buttons?

A new start, a new life.

Each morning, you'll wanna leap out of bed.

In your case, Mr. Lister, that's because your sheets are covered in pointy poppadom shards.

Tell me about these buttons. Are some illuminated?

What do you say, man? The old Rimmer was a vital member of the team.

He performed essential functions we've never replaced.

What did he do?

Dunno, really.

He, um... He was, um...

Head of Safety.

Head of Safety? That's a hell of a title. What did he actually do?

You sort out danger. You sort out peril. Then you advise on the best way to run away from it.

Head of Safety, five buttons.

I'm in!

He's in? Let's celebrate!

I'll crack open a bottle of cyanide.

This is ground control. You don't appear to have flight clearance.

- You're the ground controller? - Please state your name and clearance code.

Reality sucks!

Your name's Reality Sucks? (LAUGHS)

One second, Mr. Sucks.

Just checking my clearance list.

- Just do another smegging dance and we'll go. - Dance?!

With her, I'd have trouble walking!

I'm powering up.

Come back, Mr. Sucks! Come back!

There's nothing on the scanners for a 1,000-mile radius. We're in the clear, guys!

(ALL) Yes!

- I don't believe we are. - What's up?

According to the supplies inventory, we're frighteningly low on...

- I can barely say it. - What are we frighteningly low on? Oxygen?

Worse. Fabric softener!

Suggest we chart a course to the nearest derelict - the SS Einstein -

before your woollens get all bibbly-bobbly.

Einstein? Wasn't he the dude who discovered America?

- Einstein discovered the theory of relativity. - Where?

Was it fossilized and stuff?

The theory of relativity is...

- What is the theory of relativity? - What is it, Hol?

Bit busy at the moment, Dave.

Just tell us what it is in simple layman's terms.

It's a theory.

Yeah, but what is it?

You want it more complicated than that, do you?

- What does it mean? - It's the theory of relativity.

You know - it's a theory you only tell your relatives.

It's so sad. Holly's supposed to have an IQ of 6,000.

Now, I doubt he could even spell IQ.

If I'm so stupid, if I'm computer-senile, explain this then.

Explain what?

You can't, can you? I

Explain what?

It's no good stalling, trying to buy time.

If I'm so stupid,

how was I able to recreate a new set of nanobots and get them to resurrect the crew?

(ALL) What?

I thought you'd be pleased.

But why?

My job is to keep Dave sane.

True, I'm not that good at it, but I do my best.

That's why I create little diversions to keep him occupied.

Hol, we could have wound up doing two years in the brig!

You still could. I've just worked it out.

We're still in AR.

(ALL) What?

In computer jargon,

my plans have all gone tits up.

- I was out-thought and out manoeuvred. - Who by?

By a superior intellect.

You mean the hand dryer in the toilets has outsmarted you again?

No. By that other version of me - the one on Red Dwarf. This is still our trial.

Our trial? Why didn't you say?

If I'd known, I'd have worn a tie!

The nanobots story is corroborated. They tried to track 'em down.

Their actions in the psychotropically induced scenario bear that out.

I agree, Frank.

I also believe we died and were indeed resurrected - again, borne out by their actions.

So, original charges - all innocent.

But it's apparent that they used classified information from the crew's confidential files

to their own ends.

I suspected Rimmer had access when he began acting incredibly smart and knowledgeable.

What a giveaway!

That's why I got him to lick a psychotropic envelope when I asked him to dinner.

So, abusing classified information. That's a fresh charge.

On that, they're all guilty.

- That's a statutory sentence. - I know.

Two years in the brig.

So instead of the original charge and a possible sentence of two years in the brig,

they've been found guilty on another charge

and got an entirely different two years in the brig.

That's gonna be a great comfort to them.

I'll bring them round and break the news.

- This is reality? But how can we be sure? - Why do we care?

Nothing makes any sense no matter where we are.

Look, everything was real before we licked the envelopes, right?

Then we conked out and got carted off to AR.

Before we licked anything...

Before we licked anything, I lent you my Holly watch.

So if this is reality, I should still be wearing it.

Oh, yeah. This is reality, all right. I'd recognise it anywhere.

Also, shouldn't you have the viruses? You found them on Starbug before we licked the envelopes.

The luck virus.

Maybe we can get out of this mess.

I'll have that. The lab boys are gonna want to run tests on it.

(CAPTAIN) Where's the other one?

I'm afraid I lost it, sir.

Goddammit, Rimmer! I wanted that...

I mean, the lab boys wanted it to test it too. Damn!

- This is all your fault. - My fault?

You betrayed us over the confidential file scam.

- Stole the sexual magnetism virus. - Lied to us.

And behaved like a self-serving, scum-sucking, ruthless little rat bag!

And that's bad?

(CAPTAIN) You have been found guilty of contravening Act 21 of the Space Federation.

Before sentencing, you will have medicals so you can be assigned appropriate prison status.

I've buggered this up a bit, haven't I?

Welcome to the Tank.

(SONG) It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere

I'm all alone, more or less

Let me fly far away from here

Fun, fun, fun

In the sun, sun, sun

I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose

Drinking fresh mango juice

Goldfish shoals, nibbling at my toes

Fun, fun, fun

In the sun, sun, sun

Fun, fun, fun

In the sun, sun, sun