Original subtitles

Hey, sweetie, have you seen my sneakers?

Yeah. You were wearing them yesterday.

You're so helpful, I can't tell you.

- Who's that, 7:30 in the morning? - Somebody selling something.

Well, whatever it is, I don't want it.

I want you!

Belden, hit it.

Honey, do we have any change?

Tell me why I love you like I do

Tell me who can start my heart as much as you

Let's take each other's hand

As we jump into the final frontier

I'm mad about you, baby

Yeah

I'm mad about you

Whoo-hoo

Ooh ooh ooh

Ooh ooh ooh

Listen, that was very entertaining. You're a very talented guy.

I don't mean to be rude, but...

who are you and why are you dancing in my home?

- I'm Freddy Stadler. May I come in? - I don't think so.

- Mr. Buchman, let... If I may, Paul? - Yes?

I saw your work. You're one of the great filmmakers of your generation.

Why don't you come in?

Hi, Murray. Hi. What a sweet doggie.

Belden, in. Bone for the dog. Move it when I call.

How do you know my dog's name?

I make it my business to know the business...

of anyone I'm gonna be in business with.

- Honey, what's going on? - The lovelyJamie.

It certainly is wonderful to finally meet you.

Yes, it sure is. Who is this?

- Freddy. Freddy Stadler. - Freddy. It's Freddy...

Freddy Stadler and his faithful companion, Belden.

Belden, move it. Bagels for the Buchmans.

Why don't you sit down, Jamie? Paul, sit right down there.

Here we are. Bagels for the Buchmans.

I brought the sesame kind that I know you like. There you are, Paul.

How about you, Jamie? You'd rather not... What's wrong?

- Nothing. I'm just having cereal. - Cereal. Make a note of that.

She prefers cereal. We call Battlecreek.

Okay, this is the deal. I've been looking at film.

Hundreds and hundreds of feet of film.

I mean, until it was coming out of my...

I've never seen, in my life, I've never seen such garbage.

Dreck on toast. The worst footage.

But then I saw his film, and I said ah-ha, that's genius.

- Excuse me... - Honey, the man is talking. Yes?

And I made billions of dollars spotting genius...

while the rest of the world was still searching.

That's why I am Freddy Stadler... Don't jump up on me like that.

I don't quite understand this. You want me to do a film for you?

Yes, for me, with me, about me.

- I don't understand. - Excuse me? You may be a millionaire...

Millionaire? No, that was years ago. It's bi... Repeat after me.

- Bill... Billion... - Bill... Billion...

Billion-aire.

But I'm in P.R. And I've never heard of you.

Because I spend big bucks to keep my name out of the papers.

- So why would you want a film? - Because a statue takes too long.

Oh, honey, they're back. Oh, God!

Oh, I can't... I don't know how you kids live this way.

- This is incredible. - Who is this guy?

That's Freddy Stadler the billionaire.

- You've heard of him? - I have now.

Hello, Sid? I'm at 5th and 12th having a meeting...

and I can't hear myself think.

Thank you, Sid.

Now, I'm prepared to pay you double...

- what you got for your last job. - He made six grand.

He made three. I love her.

That was for PBS. His fees are usually much higher.

I see. But I am being rude...

discussing money with an artist the likes of Paul.

- I would like to talk to your agent. - I don't have an agent.

- Let me handle that. I'll get you one. - Well, here's the thing...

Hello, Ovitz. Freddy. I know it's three hours early...

but I got to talk to you about a very bright young guy.

Belden, move it. I'll be calling.

- What was that? - That was opportunity knocking.

The man is a lunatic.

He's a helluva little dancer.

- I'll tell you something, I like him. - You are incredible.

Some total nut gives you one compliment...

suddenly he's having breakfast with us?

We should be calling the police.

Yes. Yes, that's what we should be doing. Hello, police.

Yes, a man just came into my house and he tap-danced...

he brought me bagels and he called me a genius.

Yeah. Thank you. They're on their way.

No, no, no. The job that's open is for an editor only.

No, you wouldn't be doing any directing.

Because I'm the director.

It is so fair.

Of course... Hold on. Hey, hey, Connie!

Connie.

- Why aren't you answering the phones? - I was off taking care of things.

- What things? - What things?

L-I made... I made this questionnaire.

But the guy outside wouldn't answer all the questions.

"Name, address, favorite soup"?

For lunch orders. If he's a mushroom barley, like you, then it's...

it's gonna make my life a whole lot easier.

Okay. Okay. All right. I'll tell you what then, Connie.

Since he's already here, have the guy come in and then...

- and then, please answer the phones? - Well, I put the machine on.

That's close enough.

- What does it say... Merman? - Mermelman.

Mermelman.

- Mermelman? - Eddie Mermelman.

- But you can call me Warren. - Warren.

How you doin', Warren? Paul Buchman. Have a seat.

I see here you wouldn't disclose your soup preference.

I love all soups.

- D-Do you have any pets? - What do you need?

If you do get a pet, don't use a flea collar. They're toxic.

Did you ever see a dachshund with nerve damage?

Once. In Berlin.

Okay, Connie. Thank you. Thank you.

Do you think she'd date me?

Very possibly.

Let me ask you. Don't you find her a little annoying?

Wow! I see you worked with CNN.

- Was that fun? - I didn't come here to be interrogated.

Fair enough. Fair enough.

You got some very impressive credits here. Seriously. Is this all true?

A lot of it's true.

I'll tell you why l-I need you.

I've been offered this project. I think I may do it.

This very weird guy. This guy named Freddy Stadler...

The billionaire?

How do you know that?

Because of the amount of money he has.

Well, that makes sense. Sure.

There's, uh, there's a delivery from a Mr. Stadler.

I can't believe this. I can't belie...

The man bought me Ringo's drums.

Now they'll never get back together again.

I have a bad feeling about this.

Pay no attention to the man behind the desk.

Hi, Paul.

- How ya doin', Freddy? - Did you get my gift?

Oh, that was unbelievable. How did you know?

Sylvia told me that you're a big Beatles fan.

- My mother will talk to anybody. - She talked to me for 40 minutes.

- Tell me about it. - Let's get going with the movie. Okay?

Bel... den!

Great. Now maybe we'll be able to hear him.

Oh, you have your own Belden.

This is my new editor and cameraman, Warren Mermelman.

- Mr. Mermayman. - Mermelman.

- Maymonomonom. - Mermelman.

- Mamin... Minomin. Mermay... Mee... - Mer... Mer... Mer... Mermelman.

Hi.

- Why don't you call me Warren? - Marvin?

- Warren. - Warren. Gotcha. Okay.

Why are you so glum?

Would you like a cookie?

Have a cookie.

Maybe we should just...

sneak up on it.

A little cookie on the side...

and another piece of cookie on that side.

Now we'll put a piece of cookie in the middle.

Now you got all three sides. Smush them around.

- Does this man know he's alive? - Look, Freddy.

- Why don't we get started? - Okay. Lights, camera, action.

- Well, we don't got to say that. - But I love that, Paul.

I really would love to say that just one time.

Please, one time.

You want to say it? Sure, go ahead and say it.

Okay. Lights, camera, action!

All right. Good. All right, Freddy.

It's gonna be a really, really long day.

Okay, um, so walk us through it.

- This is where it happens? - This is the whole operation.

Excuse me.

I don't do subtitles.

Bye-bye.

- Did you get all that? - No. He was moving too fast.

All right, forget it. Freddy, come here. Why don't we try this.

We got... I want to go for the other side of you.

Let's get to know the introspective side.

- The quiet. - Right.

- Like somber. - Reflective.

- Mature. - Serious.

- Talking politely. - Exactly.

- Sitting nicely. - Right.

- Like a baby. Soft. - We'll try that.

- I could do that. Like a baby. - There you go.

Sitting nicely. Talking polite.

- Go with him. Go with him. - Oh, gee. Okay.

How do you like the job so far?

What do you mean smoke?

Smoke. The man had pillars of smoke coming up from his chair.

- On purpose? - Apparently so.

And he plays the kazoo.

- That's not dry. - Sure. I just dried it.

- Honey, it's dripping wet. - 'Cause the towel is wet.

I dried it, but I dried it with wet.

Hence, the wetness.

If you let me use the dishwasher, we wouldn't be having this discussion.

- Come on, for two plates? - It's always gonna be two plates.

Unless we have kids or a party.

You really think it's right to bring a child into the world...

just to use an appliance?

I got it.

I'm not drying.

What do you mean he plays the kazoo?

Yeah. He doesn't need to. He just does.

- He's a really neat guy. - I'm concerned about you.

- Why? - The guy gives you compliments...

buys you a drum set, suddenly he's your best friend?

You're right. I shouldn't put up with this anymore.

Do I have a surprise for you kids.

Belden, in. Follow the sound of my voice.

Move it, move it. Hold it there, Belden.

Belden, unveiling.

Oh, my God!

- What is this for? - It's for my new friend...

and his pretty "lay-dee"!

It's incredible.

It's crooked.

There we go.

Are you telling me that this... this is an actual Da Vinci?

If it isn't, the Pope ripped me off.

You are the sweetest, most generous man I've ever met.

The man gives you one Da Vinci, suddenly he's your best friend?

You know what we should do? With this footage, we should...

You know what, that's really quite enough with the massaging.

Mr. Stadler insists. He wants you to be without stress.

That will never happen, but thank you just the same. Yeah.

You make me... very tense.

Do you think she would date me?

Don't you think she's a little rough?

Yes, I do.

I'm not... I'm not... I'm not ready yet.

- What am I watching here? - This is the waving montage.

I love the camera and the camera loves me!

I can't believe you let him lick your eye.

I'm not ready to talk about it yet.

Hi, Paul.

I truly don't know what we have here.

And we have 40 reels of it.

So basically, we have 20-hour days...

we have miles of unusable film...

and we have no life of our own anymore.

On the upside, last night I had a baked Alaska in Alaska.

Freddy is very generous.

Hey, what did he give you?

And autographed Bible.

Wow! He knows everybody.

- Oh, bravo! - Bravo.

Just-Just wonderful.

- Oh, hi, Mrs. Buchman. - Hi.

Would you mind turning down your stereo?

We've had a few calls.

That's okay, Eddie. We're through. Thanks again, Luciano.

Arrivederci.

Good night, Eddie.

Oh, God, that was great.

Did I tell you?

Does that kid have a set of pipes on him?

It would not have been a big trouble for us to take a cap uptown.

No, I don't like the Met, Paul.

They don't let you sing along and they're always shushing.

This was just terrific.

I didn't have to wait to the intermission to go to the john.

I can't believe he could hold that one note

the whole time I was peeing.

You've really been too generous.

I think Wednesday night was my favorite.

I can't believe we had the entire Rainbow Room all to ourselves.

- You kids deserved it. - You should have come with us.

Nah. L-I can't... I can't dance.

You can't dance. Come on.

I've seen you with that whole... Very impressive.

No, solo is okay. But holding is not the best.

Come on. I bet you're a wonderful dancer.

- I don't know. - Come on.

- Belden. - No, no, not Belden. You.

Well, I'll try.

- Look at me, Paul. I'm dancing. - I see.

Of course you are.

I like that.

That's nice.

Hey, Paul, it's your turn.

- All righty. - Do you mind if I lead?

All righty.

No, I'm only teasing. Go on.

That's so nice.

- Tired? - I am.

- Me too. - It's been a busy week.

I was working really hard on your film today.

- What film, Paul. - Your film.

- You're still working on that? - I thought I was. Yes.

Good for you. I like a man with an attention span.

You should really come down and see it.

I was there.

Well, what was the point of the whole thing?

- We had fun, didn't we? - Yes, we did.

And thanks again for another wonderful night.

Thank you, Jamie.

It was great. It really was a terrific night.

- Thank you. - You're welcome.

I don't know what else to say. I just...

- Maybe we should straighten up. - That's a good idea.

- Hey, I can help you out. - No, please. It's fine.

You know what I love about the two of you?

How well you work together.

The most wonderful thing is that the two of you are in sync.

I'm talking about in sync, like a Swiss Army clock.

That's something I never could understand.

Why do the Swiss have an army?

- Let's do the dishes tomorrow. - Do them in the morning.

Who needs dishes at night, I always say.

- Aren't you tired, Freddy? - No. I don't sleep.

You know, Freddy, see the thing is, we kind of do.

- Honey. - Now he knows. It's out in the open.

I'm not ashamed of it. Yes, we sleep.

Freddy, he doesn't mean to be rude. Really.

- I'm not being rude. I'm just... - You're being honest.

- I'm being honest. - Okay, let me be honest also.

I rearranged my life for you two people...

because I wanted to be friends with you.

- We are friends. - Yeah, you're boring friends.

All you want to do is sleep. I just don't want to sleep.

- And I'm not gonna sleep. - You don't have to sleep.

Why do I have to sleep because you have to sleep?

- You don't have to. - I'm not going to sleep.

When you get up tomorrow morning, don't call me. Okay?

I mean, I don't need this. Come on, Belden, move it.

But, Freddy...

Oh, God. You hurt his feelings. You're so mean.

- How am I mean? I'm just tired. - I'm gonna talk to him.

Are we still on for tomorrow?

- Yes. Yes, we are. - Yes, of course. Sure.

- Breakfast? - Great.

- Okay. Now, after breakfast... - Freddy, good night.

- Good night. - Good night.

That is one peppy guy.

He's like a force of nature.

We've got to get him a date. How about your Aunt Selma?

Forget it. Selma, she'd chew him up, spit him out.

- Maybe you're right. - Oh, man!

- Listen to that. - What?

Nothing. It's just... quiet.

Oh, you're right. It's so nice.

Freddy's sweet, but it's nice having just us again.

Yes, it is.

- You know what I love about you? - What?

You are one beautiful "lay-dee."

This is my new editor and cameraman, Warren Mermelman.

- Mr. Maymaymon. - Mermelman.

- Maymonomonom. - Mermelman.

Momdameemeemimon.

- Mermelman. - Mermeemeemom.

Maymaymaymon. Minminminmenomom.

Mamememamaomom.

Marvin Maymomom.

It's Mermelman.

Just call me Warren.

- Marvin. Warren. I got it. - Warren.