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Where IS she?

She's a superagent. A legend.

Yeah, but do you think she gets invited to a lot of school plays?

How do you think they found Daniel Radcliffe, Emma Watson, La Lohan?

The difference is they were kids. You're literally a grown-arse man.

Yeah. This school play is being colonised by a teacher.

You've turned it into an audition.

Oh, haters!

This is why I don't explain myself to civilians.

This is not an audition, it's a showcase.

The poster is just a picture of you.

There's literally a picture of every single one of you on that poster.

It don't look like a play.

It looks like you've died and we've just done a fun run to remember you.

I'm sick of these low-rent gigs! I need a new agent!

Warren did his best for you, sir.

Warren got me reading at a church, hmm?

To be fair, they paid cash.

That was the collection plate.

GASPS SHARPLY

She's here!

She actually came!

Um, don't sound so surprised. I am manifesting good things!

Oh! I'm gonna give the children live tonight!

Um, where's Blessing?

Oh, she's with Mitchell coming back from football.

They got merked 27-0.

OK. I don't want any drama, so, Warren, find Blessing.

You lot - costume.

Enjoy.

Er, kids don't go free. Thank you. Lovely.

There you are.

Sir?

Keep smiling in case they're watching us,

cos this is Pizzagate

with some 5G stuffed crust.

That school that was playing us at football - half of them are ex-pros.

I KNEW I recognised that keeper off Match Of The Day.

That school don't even exist!

Hoburn said her mate was a teacher there.

I should've smelt a rat, she ain't got mates.

So who's this lot, then?

She made them watch the football with her too.

They're the school governors. That's the Bishop of Tring.

And there's our local MP.

I am so sorry you had to witness that atrocity, Minister. 27-0!

Bernadette, if there's one thing I know about,

it's fickle mistresses, and football is one of them.

Oh, no, please, don't make excuses for me.

I accept full responsibility for our defeat.

That woman wouldn't cop to a fart.

What's she up to?

As a retail tzar, I'll always fight on to the bitter end,

but I know... I know I'm on very thin ice.

Don't be put off by one set of cataclysmic exam results.

I've spoken to the governors. They won't fire you.

I suppose I have delivered some truly revolutionary innovations.

Well, thanks to my work with big dairy

back when I was slashing the size of Toblerones,

I've been able to abolish maternity leave at Abbey Grove,

all for the price of an industrial milking pump

and half-a-dozen stools.

Plus the severance package you negotiated's financially crippling.

The governors literally can't fire you.

If they had to pay you off, they'd bankrupt Abbey Grove.

HE SNIGGERS

Yes, you're right. I suppose this play would need to be a bloodbath

to close Abbey Grove, and pay me off, of course.

THEY CHUCKLE

SCHOOL MUSICIANS PRACTISE

Where's Stephen?

In the changing rooms. Which one? I don't know. There's only two.

Oh, my days! Get back, fam!

I can't breathe!

Oh, my God! Stephen, Hoburn fixed the match.

She's got her eyes on a big, fat package.

Oh, Mitchell!

A severance package! Get your mind out the gutter.

Look, Hoburn wants to get fired.

If the governors pay her off, then they'll bankrupt the school.

We can say goodbye to Abbey Grove.

AMERICAN ACCENT: OK, but...um, have you heard of knocking?

What's with the accent? I'm playing Meghan Markle tonight.

So, um, I'm staying in character.

You're what?

You're not listening to me.

Hoburn wants this to tank.

Then, why did she literally beg me to write an iconic

and iconoclastic tribute to Great Britons?

She knows your Great Britons

will go down like a cup of cold sick with the governors.

Er, rude...and wrong. I had to do...

Ah! I had to do lots of historical research.

I watched The King's Speech - on two times speed.

Oh, about the king with the stutter?

Was it? He sounded cute to me.

Mate, them governors are so old,

they look like they spunk dust.

They are going to hate this.

That's why I'm serving British family values

with Snow BoJo and his seven official children.

Knees up, two, three, four! Jesus.

Where's the energy?

# Micro-wah-vay! Micro-wah-vay! #

Nigella, you're flat. It's...

TUNEFULLY: # ..micro-wah-vay! #

Hmph. Who are you supposed to be?

Oh, Naomi Campbell. She's singing a song about loving yourself,

no matter what society says.

It's called Blood Diamonds Are A Girl's Best Friend.

Sir, sir!

I found our Edward Colston.

He was hanging round the shopping centre.

I know you wanted a kid but no-one in the class wanted to get wet.

Can it swim? Dunno. He hasn't said a word,

although I was actually thinking it may be even better

if he CAN'T swim...for the show.

Er, not so much for him.

Yeah, um...move it along.

Ooh, blimey! Oh, you're joking.

Oi-oi! This is Drill Captain Tom!

BEAT-BOXING

RAPS: # I step on that road real slow

# But I make bare what for the doc, ha! #

Hey! Woo!

# You don't need the lizzies

# But man's flaming got administrative course! #

CHEERING

So good!

Well, at least you got the NHS flag, I suppose.

The governors love that patriotic stuff.

Er, the NHS stole that flag.

It belongs to the gays.

Ask Sir which iconic British queer celeb we're celebrating tonight.

I can't help being an inspiration, hmm?

OK! Right, everyone, five-minute call!

Stephen, hold on. That football match

won't be the biggest thing that I lose today.

Abbey Grove is the only place

where I don't feel like a total muppet all the time.

I love it here, and I really like you lot!

Look, I'm glad you're happy here and you wanna stay

but we have a sacred duty to our audiences.

Sir basically means he's invited an agent.

Right, I'm pulling the fire alarm. No! Wait, stop! Look...

There's a way through this but you have to trust me.

Huhee!

Hail, Elaine Paige, full of grace,

Lord Lloyd Webber is with thee.

Protect us from Usma's flat feet...

Ugh! Rude!

Ugh! Tech team! Turn your torches off. We are not down a mine!

And Mr Carmichael should not be holding hands with you.

He should be holding hands with the talent.

Uh, Warren! I am not like that.

MOUTHS, KNOCKING AT DOOR

Is now a good time for your pre-show dinner?

My Scotch Revels.

I've combined the the-atre of a Scotch egg

with the whimsy of a Revel. Sounds lovely.

Each egg contains a mystery filling -

an olive, a grape, pommes frites, baba ghanoush

and, in a meta twist, actual Revels.

It's like meat roulette.

What is that? That is a devilled prune.

It contains a terrifying amount of roughage.

It's like a depth charge in the large intestine.

Focus! Y'all know Hoburn's plan.

She wants us to crash out so she can cash out.

Do we want her to win? ALL: No.

I says, do we want her to win?! ALL: No!

Good. That's why I have made the painful decision

to perform the lead in all of the songs tonight.

THEY ALL GASP

What?

I'm sorry but it's the only way we're guaranteed to slay.

Sir! I'm not being dramatic, but if you take my song away from me,

I'm going to get you tried for crimes against humanity.

And if that judge acquits you,

I'm going to shoot you on the courthouse steps.

Yep. As a stage fright survivor, I find this deeply triggering.

Jinx!

Some people's parents bought tickets for tonight.

You want them to have a good time, do you not?

Bought tickets. Aren't they free?

But if we don't want to offend the governors,

surely it's better to change the problematic songs

rather than who sings them.

Bad ideas done well don't hurt people.

Look at Lin-Manuel.

And McBusted.

The guy who invented the Segway...

..until it killed him. RIP.

We dedicate our first act to British legends that we have lost,

starting with our tribute to Sir Winston Churchill.

Er...rip.

It's RIP!

# Winston!

# Yeah!

# Smoking big cigars and drinking brandy

# Washing down my lunch with Pol Roger

# Quit snarlings, darling!

# Make way, Mahatma Gandhi

# Cos with my hat, my suit, my shoes, my socks

# Meow! I came to slay!

# Blasting all the Nazis like a hero

# Looking Churchillicious all the while

# You always vote me the best You quote me, oh, yes!

# We'll win in Winston... #

JAZZ RHYTHM ON CYMBALS

# ..style! Ooh, yeah! #

Oi, she's making it worse. We've got to do something.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

BOTH: Meat roulette!

MUSIC DRAWS TO AN END

SMATTERING OF APPLAUSE

LOW CHATTER

Hello, young drummer.

Here, you need to replenish your energy.

MUSIC STARTS

# Angie

# Yes, Tiff, honey

# Angie, are you crying? Oh, you noticed that!

# Are you OK?

# Not really

# Are you OK?

# I have a secret and I'm not sure I can say

# Just say OK, but...you can't tell anyone

# I won't

# Not Scotty T or Gemma Collins and not even Darren Day

# OK

# Then, I'll say...

# David's dead!

# Aah!

# No, he's not! Yes, he is

# Oh, my God, everybody! What? David's dead!

# What? David's dead! I've got to see the body... #

ALL: # David's dead, David's dead David...

# No, he's not He's right here!

# No, not that David! # ALL: What?

# Not the egg-shaped music producer David Gest... #

ALL: # Then, which David?

# My David! #

SEGUES INTO ROCK MUSIC

# This is the story of the song that changed my life

# There was a time when this heart of mine

# Well, it couldn't keep a rhythm with my two left feet

# When my soul came alive in 1965

# I heard a new sound and my heart skipped a beat

# It came from the radio in my dad's car

# The music that would take this little boy so far

# It was the sound of the rhythm of electric guitar!

# Rah! #

STRUGGLES WITH ELECTRIC GUITAR SOLO

Warren, come on!

Rah! Ha-ha!

Argh! MUSIC STOPS ABRUPTLY, CROWD GASPS

Ugh...oh...

STOMACH GURGLES

Sir, get up, you can do it.

OK, this needs to stop.

Huh? No, no, no, no, no!

# The show much go on! #

I'm gonna call an ambulance.

You and your sister... just sit down.

Are you seeing double?

Huh? It's fine! It's, it's nearly...hit the floor...!

HE CRIES HYSTERICALLY

Oh, my God, I feel like a swan!

I'm totally calm and regal on the surface,

but below the waterline I am frantic!

Ah, careful, argh! This is a nightmare!

There's a superagent out there, and she's not gonna see my Markle.

Why won't you stop talking about this agent?

Is that the only thing you care about?

All right! I want to get signed, OK?

I want to do something with my life.

What about us, you prick? She's gonna destroy Abbey Grove.

I'm sorry, but look at my injury. The show is over.

Bollocks. In case you ain't noticed, this lot have been smashing it.

They just had the crowd on their feet.

Guys, just keep doing what you're doing

and we might just get the governors onside. It's true.

One of you's gonna be the next Daniel Kaluuya,

and I'll still be here.

You won't even remember me.

Sir, we can't forget you.

You made us pinkie promise that any future acceptance speeches

we have to mention you by your full name and Instagram handle.

Seriously? That's not the only reason we won't forget you.

I've never felt at home at any school I've been to,

and sometimes it's hard getting out of bed in the morning,

and not just because I like a heavy toggage.

You guys don't just make life bearable,

you make life fun.

No offence, but you guys are

the best thing about this place.

Maybe we...got a little wrapped up in the moment. We?

The royal "we".

I'm sorry... Genuinely.

I'm so proud of all of you.

It's too late. Mr Carmichael made the second act all about him.

No-one else can play Meghan Markle.

Correct. No-one else has my range.

I'm glad somebody else said it.

Out of all of us, Jinx has the best voice.

Yeah. She's good at accents too. She spent a weekend in Berlin

and came back sounding like Werner Herzog.

Oh! You guys!

Danke schoen.

But she's white.

Nein, nicht, gut, guys! Come on!

Although, ultimately, the whole human race is from Afr...

No, I'm not right for it.

Blessing? I can't hit those high notes.

OK, look, Inchez, you and I both know that

you have the voice of an angel.

He sings soprano in our church choir. So?

At man's last evensong, there was so many bundas bouncing

that you'll think man was playing in the Bundesliga, fam!

I swear on my mum's life!

Beep! That's the sound of your mum flat-lining, bruv!

Maybe it is too late.

And maybe it is curtains for Abbey Grove.

But it's not about beating Hoburn!

It's about playing the game our way, even if we go down swinging!

Guys, we are Class K! That is what we do!

Inchez, if we're gonna slay the house down,

we've all got to step out of our comfort zone. Mm.

OK.

ALL: Yes!

Yes! OK. Wait, wait!

Inchez needs time to learn the part

and we need someone to cover for him, so...

Mitchell, I know you have the range of a North Korean missile

but...I'll keep it simple.

No chance. I'd rather shit in my hand and clap.

Whoa! What about doing things the Class K way, fam?

Guys, there are only two things that school teaches ya.

One, there is nothing more overrated

than a trip to a chocolate factory.

And two, sometimes you've just got to step up.

Ambulance.

A man just hit his head.

Look, I'm a theatrical agent.

I know what true desperation looks like,

and Stephen Carmichael would genuinely prefer to die

than stop the show.

Get your bananas! Banana incoming!

Carb up, teams.

OK! Act two - Living Legends.

Fraser, get the pots and pans out of your kitchen ready for Nigella.

# Micro-wah-vay! #

Better! Yes!

Oh, Harrison, hold these. Mitchell is singing a song

to literally the only tune he knows off by heart.

Um, I'm going to need you to go to the back of the hall

holding these up one by one so we can read the words, hmm?

What's this song about, sir? Um, Tim Berners-Lee.

Um...some sweet, odd man who didn't want any coin

from inventing the internet.

HE SCOFFS

The governors are going to love it.

What's funny?

The idea that a human invented the internet.

What'd he do? Do it on a computer... without the internet?!

Harrison, Harrison! There's a...

..two-headed dork in the playground.

Poor thing must have escaped from a nearby lab.

Maybe we need pan pipes. Or a harp.

Yes. I'll see what we've got backstage.

Oh, look, let me hold those for you.

You'll need both hands to carry the harp.

Yeah.

LIGHT APPLAUSE

MUSIC: Three Lions (Football's Coming Home)

# Google Chrome, it's Google Chrome Safari

# The internet's coming home

# It's coming home It's coming home

# It's coming The internet's coming home

# Everyone thinks it's just for porn

# They've seen gangbangs before

# They just know

# They're so sure

# But I remember before Pammy and Tom

# Hulk Hogan and Paris Hilton

# It's not just for wanking

# 4Chan on the shirt! #

Mind the pyros!

# Paedos and the Clintons

# 30 years of hurt... #

Oh, my God!

# Never stopped Trump winning

# So many wokes, so many... #

GASPS

# With all those... # SUDDEN EXPLOSIONS, SHRIEKS

Bloody hell!

EXPLOSIONS

OK, finale time. Piers Morgan, Prince Andrew,

stage right - now. Shapeesh. Good luck. Break a nail.

Inchez, come on, mate. It's shit meat pot time.

Nah, man. I've got bare collywobbles.

Look, Jinx, you're a stage fright survivor, hmm? Say something?

Er, sort of, erm...

Well, basically, I used to find it impossible to pee on my dad's boat

because the master bedroom was right next to the toilet,

but then I was like, "Do you know what?

"I can blame the noises on the bilge pump."

Well, that's relatable?! Jesus.

Can I have a word in private, sir? Mm-hm. Thank you.

Also, Inchez, even if everyone out there thinks you've gone moist,

you'll always be my OG.

WHISPERS: Piss off.

Yes. Mm.

Right, come on, you lot, let's go. Places, yeah?

PIANO PLAYS LAND OF HOPE AND GLORY

Tally ho.

I met the girl of my dreams tonight.

She's an American divorcee

and my family will love her.

Basically, like, the truth is, that bishop out there -

he's my dad.

Your dad's one of the governors?

Look, I get it.

You're scared of what he'll say

if he sees you refusing to conform to traditional definitions

of what it means to be, like, a man in a patriarchal society.

I'm scared he's gonna stand up

and yell something horrible like...

..like, "That's my son and I love him."

Wait, so...your problem is you're scared that

your dad is gonna love and accept you, no matter what you do?

Yeah.

OK.

Pack up the pity party and get on that stage!

Here she comes now!

PIANO FLOURISH

Bye, Harry.

Oh, my gosh, I just met the most amazing man.

He told me he's a prince.

Er...Siri, what's a prince?

AUTOMATED VOICE: Prince, noun, the son of a king or queen,

and you can be his princess, Meghan.

# To be a princess It could be such a wondrous thing

# To wear my prince's ring And so

# The answer is yes, I feel so happy I could sing

# The simple Yankee girl who found her ginger king

# I hope the public see that girl that Harry sees

# A kindly soul who helps out with some charities... #

Not so fast!

No, Piers Morgan! Yes, it's me!

Go away! What?

# I've been silenced

# A crime But I don't hear any sirens

# I've been maligned

# For not caving to the violence of the woke police

# The cannot-take-a-joke police

# The Britain-hating, free-speech-taking, vegan-baking

# Weaklings want my silence!

# But I'm an alpha I do not do compliance,

# Or toe the line

# I won't give in to the tyrants with their fake belief in her

# The head snowflake-in-chief

# She will pay the price, dears No more Mr Nice Piers!

# To be a princess Is not as lovely as it seems

# The press are awful But it's worse behind the scenes

# My Harry is a cutie But his family is a mess

# His uncle won't shut up about...

# Pizza Express!

# I've seen the Seven Wonders

# Travelled round the world And yet

# That perfect night in Woking That's a night I can't forget

# Woo! I'll order four seasons I eat pizza for my tea

# From January 1st, I'm fit to burst with calzone verdure

# So when you ask, "Where's Andrew?" Well, it won't take long to guess

# You'll find His Grace in his favourite place, it's...

# Pizza Express? Yes!

# I'm a Pinot Grigio drinker Waiter, pop that cork

# Let's hope there's enough halloumi bites

# For the Grand Old Duke of York

# And if you think I'm sweating Well, my darling, I am not

# Cos Giuseppe don't get sloppy Even when the American's hot, oi!

# Silenced! To be a princess...

# Another quattro formaggi

# I've been silenced! To be a princess...

# And more doughballs for me! Where's my pollo piccante?

# She wouldn't even shag me! #

Oh? What was that?

Yo, yo, yo... What's going on? Mr Carmichael!

HUBBUB

What the...?

Out of my way! Out of my way!

Find a tech person. Tell them I need them now. Thank...

You!

CONFUSED CHATTER

Everyone, don't panic! Do not panic! Please take your seats.

Yeah, nothing to see, mate. This way, this way...

Excuse me, could you tell me what's going on, please?

Yeah, look, don't panic, your Royal Highness.

I am a responsible adult.

DRUM FLOURISH

Pack that right in!

What are you doing?

I'm pulling the plug on this whole dysfunctional hellmouth!

I've tried removing chairs from the staffroom,

I've tried pay-as-you-go toilet roll,

but I still can't balance the books!

So, I am putting this school, and myself, out of our misery.

Just quit! You don't have to bring the whole school down with you!

Look, if I quit, I don't get my money!

There was a converted barn in the Cotswolds with my name on it!

What about the kids, hmm? They're the ones that matter.

Says Teacher of the Year?!

The man who sets essays on how to achieve

the full dramatic potential of a -

and I quote - "butt-cleavage".

Don't...you...dare

bring Rihanna into this.

Do you not remember what it was like being a kid at school?

I was home schooled.

That explains literally everything.

Everybody just calm down, all right? It is all under control.

There is absolutely nothing to worry about.

Thank God, here you are!

This is the man you're looking for.

You can keep it.

I found loads of them tucked under the windshield wiper of my car.

If this play ends with the drama teacher getting hospitalised,

the governors are going to have to fire Hoburn!

Then Ladimir Putin could be back in power!

Bitch, please!

Over here, thank you.

CONFUSED CHATTER

Is someone hurt?

HOBURN: No!

Step back, bitch, because I will slap!

ALARMED VOICES

Ladies and gentlemen, our NHS!

SHE LEADS THE CHEERING

Yes, doctors! Yes, nurses!

Yes, gynaecologists! Them as well.

Can we get all of our governors onstage, please,

for a photo with our NHS heroes!

Yes, Mr Harper, thank you.

Er, Minister, your excellency...

Sorry, could you shift along a bit?

You see! Why do you need a pay rise when you've got all this?

HE CHUCKLES SUPERCILIOUSLY

Well, well, well.

I hope you'll all agree that, despite some bumps along the way,

this play has shown us that

Abbey Grove really has got its heart in the right place.

Three cheers for your headmistress. Long may she reign.

Hip-hip! ALL: Hooray!

Hip-hip! ALL: Hooray!

Hip-hip! ALL: Hooray!

Wait, wait! The show's not over.

Oh, I'm here... Oh, I'm here.

Argh! Argh!

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Is the vein in his head supposed to be throbbing like that?

Oh, shit!

INCREDULOUS GASPS

Inchez, you were fierce. I'm not just saying it.

You were great.

You all right, Mr Harper? One, and two...

Yeah, I'm all right.

Well done, you lot! You smashed it. Ugh!

I want that back, thank you very much!

Stephen... you left your head shot in my car.

Look, I can see you're in a lot of pain so I'll make this quick.

We're a small agency.

We're very selective, but I would love it if...

Yes, yes!

Sorry, um, finish your sentence.

..if you would introduce me to that man in the other wheelchair,

Mitchell Harper.

Now, he has got such a raw, unselfconscious intensity.

Morphine!

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