Original subtitles

So, nolan, we haven't talked about how you're doing.

You seem a little bit out of it today, even for you.

I don't know what's wrong with me lately.

I've been spacey and forgetful

And I've been snacking a lot.

Have you been doing a little bit of this?

Making turkey shadow puppets?

Sometimes. Mostly when I'm high.

That is the first and last time I am ever taking the bus.

I told the driver I was in a hurry,

But he stopped for, like, every person who wanted a ride.

That is the problem with public transportation.

Why are you taking the bus?

'cause she's a foreigner.

That's where all non-americans

Go to plot against the rest of us.

Hey, just because I'm not fat doesn't mean I'm not american.

I'm proud of my curves.

Lace, we only have a few minutes left,

So why don't you sit down and tell us what happened?

Last night the stupid police took my license away

For a month for no reason at all.

I mean, the jerk I was chasing was driving, like, 100

And I was only going 60,

Which I know is still a lot for a sidewalk.

- Who were you chasing? - This guy I've been seeing.

He invited me to this club, then ditched me at the bar

And took off with some skank.

Why? He had a perfectly good one right in front of him.

Thank you.

Lacey, you're on probation.

Was the risk of a car chase really worth it?

And if you'd caught the guy, what sort of enlightened exchange

Were you expecting to have with the gentleman and his skank?

Okay, we're out of time. I'll see you all next Tuesday.

Hey, lacey, can I have a word with you before you go?

A little outside of what we deal with here,

But I'm concerned about your choices in men.

I know, I know.

But it's so hard to find a hot guy with a slow car.

No, no. I'm talking about your self-destructive pattern

Of choosing men who mistreat you.

Don't you think you deserve a better guy?

Come on, that's just how guys are.

That's not true. There's a lot of guys out there

Who would take you dancing and never even look at another woman.

I know, but turning gay guys is so much work.

I'm talking about straight guys who would do anything for you.

Sure, they do. You sit next to one in group.

You think I should go out with nolan?

No, no, no, no. No, no, no.

I'm just saying that there's 1,000 nice guys out there

Who would do anything for you.

Oh, my god. Are you hitting on me?

What? No.

No. Just keep your eyes open when you're at the supermarket

Or the laundromat or the library.

You've never been to any of those places, have you?

Next time, only one of us wears the blindfold.

That was just a lot of gropin' and hopin'.

All right, good night.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What are you doing?

I'm going to sleep.

No, no, no, no, no.

We don't do sleep.

When we're done, we just high-five

And go our separate ways.

The guys in porn cuddle more than you do.

I told you how I feel about sleeping over.

The next thing you know, we'll be happily married

And completely miserable.

You can't send me home. It's 3:00 in the morning.

Okay, look, if you want to stay for a bit, we can talk.

I'd rather sleep.

Drive safe.

Okay. Okay, fine. I'll talk.

Let me ask you something.

Where would you go to meet nice guys?

Boy, you really are desperate to cuddle.

No, it's lacey. She's attracted to these toxic men

And I just thought it'd be good for her

To meet somebody nice. Any ideas?

Well, you have to get her out of the clubs and bars.

There's museums, there's charities.

I met a really nice guy at my improv comedy class.

I'm sorry, your what now?

Improvisational comedy class.

I read a study that suggests that therapists

Who incorporate humor into their practice

Have a 32% higher success rate.

I, for one, want to laugh my way to success.

That's actually the name of the class, too.

How's that working out for you?

Ahem. Give me a location,

A food, and a famous historical figure.

No, that's fine. You don't have to prove anything.

Why, mr. Lincoln,

What are you doing at the taj mahal

Drinking a root beer float?

Yeah, I'm gonna go home now.

Anger Management 215

Coming.

Hi, lacey. Bus was early today?

I got a ride with nolan. He's always sitting outside

In his car with binoculars anyway.

Well, stick around after group.

I have some suggestions on where you can meet a better class of guys.

Hey, lacey, you left your latte in the car.

Is it the correct drinking temperature yet?

Ah!

Couple more minutes.

I'll get some ice for you.

Thank you. That'll cool the coffee down faster.

- Hi, sam. - Hey.

You're really scrubbing there.

You okay or is it an ocd thing?

No, I dropped my phone in the toilet and I had to reach in and get it.

You reached into a toilet?

Wow, that's got to be a big step for you.

I'm proud and disgusted at the same time.

I had to answer it.

I guess my compulsion of answering a ringing phone

Is stronger than my obsession with germs.

Well, we all have our priorities.

Okay, everybody, let's get started.

I don't usually begin with a theme,

But today I'd like to discuss secrets.

Because there is nothing more unhealthy

Than keeping them to ourselves.

Anybody have something they would like to reveal?

I would.

I don't trust black weathermen.

Good example. Anyone else?

Or jewish sportscasters.

Of course, that goes without saying.

I mean, does anyone else want to share a secret?

Okay. This is very delicate,

But I was spending one summer with my aunt and uncle

And I found out that they were both the same person.

Fascinating.

How about you, nolan? Lacey?

can I tell them we're going out?

Oh, my god! You're going out?

can I tell them now?

It seems like they already know.

Fine, we're going out.

Finally, a secret worth exploring.

You said something the other day about me needing a nice guy.

And normally when you talk, I just hear, "blah, blah, blah, blah."

But this time I heard, "blah, blah, blah, blah, nolan, blah, blah."

And it really moved me.

So I thought I'd give it a shot.

Okay. Okay. Well, as a therapist,

It's not my place to judge the choices that you make.

So, everybody else,

Feel free to judge the choices they make.

- I think it's great. - Of course you do.

If it makes them happy to be together,

Maybe they won't have to come here anymore,

And that'll make me happy and I won't have to come here anymore.

And with the three of them gone,

I can finally finish my story about my aunt bruce.

Unbelievable.

You people criticize the muffins I put out every week,

But nobody has any issues with this?

Well, it's just that if you put out a chocolate chip muffin,

The chips should be evenly distributed throughout the muffin.

People dating within a therapy group is a terrible idea.

It can only lead to dishonesty and manipulation.

Look, I know it seems weird, but I deserve someone like nolan.

I mean, yeah, he's not the sort of guy I've gone out with in the past,

But I believe I can change.

Yeah, and I'm sure that I can change, too.

I used to only be into super controlling girls, but now--

Hey, what did I say about talking too much?

Nolan, you don't have to listen to her. You can talk.

I don't know about this, charlie.

I feel a little creepy installing a tracking program

On our daughter's phone.

Look, if we're replacing her phone, we might as well.

It's like when they tag a giraffe so they can see where it migrates,

What it eats, and most importantly,

To make sure it doesn't mate.

But this is just for her safety, right?

I mean, she's a good kid.

We're not trying to catch her doing something bad.

No, we're not trying to,

But we'll be able to.

Without even leaving the house.

I feel like the jetsons.

Test it. Telephone, where are you now?

According to this, we're at a chipotle in albuquerque.

Oh, I love the one here. I wonder if that one's good.

I think I entered the wrong number.

Look, I know you're worried about lacey and nolan dating, but you don't have to be.

I'm the one who gave her the idea.

No, I mean, it's not going to last.

Women like lacey don't go out with guys

Because their anger shrink tells them to.

The only reason she'd be with nolan is so she could use him.

Use him for what? Tap water?

I dated a guy for three months 'cause he had air conditioning.

That's terrible.

Charlie, it was really hot.

Old people were dying.

Yeah, well, if lacey's using him,

Then nolan's gonna be destroyed.

He's convinced he's found the abusive girl of his dreams.

I mean, it's not like I wasn't putting out.

I've got to talk to her.

I don't know who we're tracking,

But right now they're at the dave & busters in new orleans.

These people know how to live.

It's not even the weekend.

Hey, lace. Thanks for coming by early.

Am I in trouble?

'cause if I am, I would have worn something tighter.

Impossible.

No, I just wanted to see how things are going with you and nolan.

Oh, good.

Like, I mean, I complete him or he completes me or whatever.

Lacey, I'm gonna ask you something and I need you to tell me the truth.

Are you using nolan?

What? No. Oh, my god, I would never.

I'm so insulted, I don't know what to do.

Lacey, our entire relationship

Is predicated on you being honest with me.

So I'm gonna ask you again, are you using nolan?

Can we talk patient to therapist?

Of course. I'll be the therapist.

When I lost my license, I couldn't go anywhere.

I couldn't get my hair done, my nails done.

My brazilian was starting to be reclaimed by the jungle.

Okay, okay.

So you're acting like his girlfriend so he'll drive you around?

Hey, it's a good deal for him, too.

He gets what he always wanted-- to be near me.

Lacey, you can't do this to him.

Sure, I can. He's not very bright.

The minute you get your license back, you're gonna dump him.

Before we break up, I'll let him touch the sides.

Lacey, this is degrading to you, degrading to nolan,

And not to mention you're completely rewriting the rules of second base.

I will not let you abuse nolan like this.

Yes, you will because of a little something

Called patient-therapist confidentiality.

Here's your pressed beet green apple wheatgrass

Ginger juice with a soy protein power boost.

A boost? I didn't ask for a boost.

I know, but I thought you'd like it.

You know what I like? I like what I asked for.

From now on, make sure that's what I get.

Nolan, you think you deserve to be treated like this?

Not yet, but I think I can earn it eventually.

So I turned to the table next to me,

"if you don't shut up, I'm gonna come over there and I'm gonna shut you up."

I know you're trying to be more direct with your anger,

But there's no reason to threaten a baby.

Oh, fine, take that jerk's side.

Everybody else did.

Do you want another diet coke, chipmunk?

No, I'm at max bloat.

Chipmunk.

I take back everything I said before.

These two together are the most disgusting thing I've ever seen.

And I delivered a baby by cesarean section

In the cambodian jungle

Using nothing but the lid off a can of beans.

Actually, ed, what you're describing is quite beautiful.

Not if you're in the middle of a fully equipped field hospital

Just trying to get intel out of a pregnant lady.

For the younger members of our group,

This was a very turbulent time in our history.

Nobody was right, nobody was wrong.

Nobody won, everyone lost.

I lost a can of beans.

I am so glad you didn't say the baby.

Okay, everybody, I'll see you next Tuesday.

Bye.

Nolan, can I talk to you for a minute?

What are you gonna talk to him about?

Oh, that's right. You have doctor-patient confidentiality.

- I know. - You remember doctor-patient confidentiality, don't you?

- Yes, lacey, I do. - You better.

Okay, maybe I'm being a little sensitive,

But this seems like an unusual conversation.

I'll be in the car.

- I'll miss you. - Yeah, yeah.

So things are going well with you guys?

Well, we've spent most of our relationship driving around in the car.

I'd like to change that a little.

But other than that, things are great.

Nolan, have a seat.

Let me tell you about a movie I once saw.

It's called "she's using you."

I never heard of it. Who's in it?

Tom cruise.

How did I miss it? I've seen all three of his movies.

It doesn't matter. What matters is the point of the movie.

Which, once again, is called "she's using you."

It's about a guy who thinks he's in a relationship with a girl,

But it turns out she's what, nolan?

A double agent.

No, no. She's using him

Because she lost her license and needs someone to drive her around

And run her errands under the guise that they're dating.

Is this an indian girl?

I'm afraid so.

God, I am such an idiot.

What was I thinking?

There's no way a girl like lacey could ever love a loser like me.

Nolan, you're not a loser.

It's just sometimes we just see things the way we want to.

What am I gonna do?

You're gonna go out there

And you're gonna pretend that you figured this out all by yourself

And you're gonna talk to her

And it's gonna be okay because everything you need is right here.

You're right.

I meant your heart.

You got to slow down on this stuff, nolan.

I do.

No, I mean you've got to take it easy on it.

I do.

What was that about?

Nothing. He just asked me to move a couch.

And while we were doing that, I figured out all by myself

That you're using me.

I can't believe he told you.

You're not the one who gets to be mad.

You used me, lacey.

Please, that's what relationships are.

Guys use girls, girls use guys,

And sometimes girls use toys because guys

Don't know what the hell they're doing.

Some people are looking for more than that.

Look, I'm not stupid, okay?

I know the only reason a guy goes out with me

Is because he wants this.

Well, not me.

I don't like you because of your cocoa skin,

Your crazy big boobs, or your beautiful heart-shaped butt.

I don't even notice those things.

I like you because of who you are inside.

Even if you were just a head in a box,

I'd drive you around.

You'd drive me around if I was just a head in a box?

Yeah, put you up on the dashboard,

Put some sunglasses on you,

Keep the flies off you.

Wow.

You'd still do that for me?

You know what?

Let's go somewhere and do something that you want to do.

Really?

Anything?

Yeah.

Want to go park behind 7- eleven and get stoned?

That is the nicest thing

Anyone's ever asked me to do behind a 7-eleven.

Why do you have this map

With an arrow blinking on the olive garden?

It must be where sam's having dinner right now.

In sydney, australia.

Did she work up an appetite smoking one of these?

I wanted him to have a clear head when he spoke to lacey.

He hasn't returned my calls. Where the hell is he?

I don't know. Maybe he's with your daughter in--

Oh, look, they're in the middle of the ocean now.

Should we get pizza or seafood?

- Do you like mushrooms? - This could be the best thing that ever happened to him.

I like mushrooms.

Hello. Yeah.

Where?

All right, I'll be right there.

- I'll be back in an hour. - Where are you going?

Nolan and lacey just robbed a 7-eleven. She's in jail.

Mushrooms it is.

- Nolan. - Charlie.

Thank god you came. They impounded my car.

What the hell happened?

Well, first lacey and I got high.

I thought I took your pot.

You took my front pocket pot.

I also have back pocket pot, sock pot, and underwear pot.

Shh! We're in a police station.

- Just tell me what happened. - We're behind the 7-eleven.

Lacey decided that she wanted to make s'mores,

So she stuffed marshmallows and hershey bars down her dress.

Who had the graham crackers?

Damn. I am so stupid.

We would have had to go back.

What happened to breaking up? What happened to standing up for yourself?

- She's still using you. - No, not anymore, charlie.

She's different now. She's changed.

You're on probation. They can keep you locked up in here for 30 days.

Relax, I'm having my dad call his lawyer.

He owes me a favor.

I let him touch the sides once.

You should have told them that I was the one that did it.

That I shoved the marshmallows down your dress when you weren't looking.

Trust me, I thought about it,

But I couldn't do that to you.

Good for you, lacey. You've shown a little bit of growth.

Hopefully the other prisoners will see that and not try to stab you.

Well, lacey's in jail.

I'm assuming by now she's fashioned her iud into a shiv.

You know, charlie,

We can never imagine

Who our patients truly are.

The words they tell us

Are like grains of sand

Gathered from the beaches of their mind

And it is our job to help them

Collect that sand and build castles of thought

Which can never be washed away.

What the hell are you talking about?

I don't know.

I am completely stoned out of my mind.

Kate. Kate.

Kate, that was nolan's front pocket weed.

Oh, my god.

Do I love crunch berries.

Okay, come on.

Let's get you upstairs.

Why is your escalator always broken?

What the hell am I doing here?

Hi, kate.

I slept over, you son of a dick!

I know. You want some breakfast?

Hell, no!

I already slept over. I'm not letting this get any further.

Okay, but I went out and bought crunch berries.

I hate you.