All language subtitles for laid.us.s01e05.1080p.web

Skipped him?

Skipped him.

How could this happen?

I don't know.

On one hand, it's great,
because it skipped someone,

so we know people
can survive this

and maybe I'm not
gonna kill everyone,

but on the other hand,

Richie is the one who survived.

No.

I mean, I marked him
as dead on the board

without double-checking if it
was the right Richie Diane.

Sloppy.

Wait.

Richie's last name is Diane,
as in the woman's name?

OK, that's hilarious.

He's Mr. Diane.

No.

So what should I mark him as?

Escaped? Bypassed? Spared?

Loophole.

Or else blip

because he's a
blip in the Matrix.

I actually never saw that.
Am I using that right?

Is "Matrix" the
one with Gondolf?

Loophole it is.

So what's so special
about Richie?

Truly, nothing.

- The sex?
- B-plus, at best.

It was like a diagram
in a sex ed textbook.

Penis go in vagina.

- Penis go in mouth?
- Nope.

Just a lot of making out

and a lot of sensual
shoulder biting.

I don't know. It
did nothing for me.

Interesting.

Any hand work?

Sort of.

He fell into a blackberry
bush while hiking,

so his hands were
covered in Band-Aids.

We tried, but it felt
like being fingered

by an ancient scroll.

Ancient scroll.

How about body hair?
Where did he go to school?

And what was the last thing you
ate before having intercourse?

Smooth.

Emerson.

Lasagna.

Well, there goes
several theories.

I guess for now, it's
enough just to know

that people can survive.

Which is promising because
maybe we still can save

some of the people we have left.

Open the door!

- Shit!
- Whoa!

- Don't let Zack see the board.
- Yeah!

I mean, because he'd freak out.

What are you doing?

Don't scare Zack.
He hates death.

Close the door.

Fuck your middle school.

Normally, he'd pee his pants

as soon as he saw
red murder map yarn.

But with that game helmet
on, my tits could be on fire,

and he'd be too busy
shooting triangles to notice.

- Hey, triangle at your 11:00.
- Hey!

Can people have sex on those?

There's VR porn.

You watch through the guy's
eyes, like John Malkovich.

- Dude!
- Can you be the girl?

You can, but it's a lot
of looking at the ceiling.

- Shit, I'm late for work.
- He's at your 3:00.

He's at your 3:00.
That means your left.

Wait, aren't you gonna
come with me to tell Caleb?

I mean, we still
need to warn people

but also tell them there's,
like, a glimmer of hope.

Sadly, I have to make money.

But yes, there is a
new talking point.

There's a silver lining now.

What did he say to you
again? When he kidnapped you?

Right before he let you go?

That I was the worst
person he's ever met.

What if that's why
it skipped him?

You gave Richie a
chance to resolve

his unfinished
business with you.

And he was released after
he solved his own murder

and turned into an orb,
like Sam from "Ghost."

Never saw it.

But Richie wasn't the only one

who finished his
business with me.

I got read to filth
by, like, ten people.

Maybe it's not
about him finishing

his business with you.

It's about you finishing
your business with him.

Do you have any unfinished
business with Richie?

100% no.

Any unfinished
business with Caleb?

The guy I had a
one-night stand with

in a bowling alley bathroom?

I mean, I guess I did tell
him I'd call, but I never did.

- Maybe it's that.
- It might be that.

Should I add it to the board?

I'm gonna add it under
non-evidence-based notions.

And tonight, we are
watching "Ghost."

♪ This bed is on fire
with passionate love ♪

♪ The neighbors complain
about the noises above ♪

♪ But she only comes
when she's on top ♪

♪ My therapist said not
to see you no more ♪

♪ She said you're like a
disease without any cure ♪

♪ She said I'm so obsessed
that I'm becoming a bore ♪

♪ Oh, no ♪

♪ Ah, you think
you're so pretty ♪

What the...

Hi!

Remember me?

A motorcycle? Really?

Impulse purchase

from when I thought I was dying.

Smart.

Where are your frosted tips?

It didn't take.

I think I applied the
finishing tint too late

because I spent 40
minutes filling out forms

so I can keep my
beautiful aquarium.

Sorry, can you turn this off?

No.

Why are you always such a dick?

No, I mean no because I can't
because I don't know how.

I bought this thing
when I was dying,

and I drove it off the
lot because that's badass.

But it's keyless or whatever,

and I can't find
the on/off button.

Forgetting you
love a long story.

What are you doing here?

Well, Ruby, once again,

you dropped big
information in my lap.

"Oh, hello, Richie.
You're a sex loophole,"

and then you just disappear.

The whole sex death
thing, it didn't get me,

so I want to figure out
what the hell is going on.

Actually, you know what?

You should come with me
to warn the next guy.

What if the antidote
is poofing out of you

like Pigpen from
"Charlie Brown"?

And if you just
stand next to him,

you could pass on
whatever saved you.

- Great!
- I love that.

Bitch seat is avail.

No way I'm getting on that.

It's fine.

I'll just scoot next
to you while you walk.

I got time.

I quit my job, so
my days are free.

This strap is a little tricky.

Is your last name really Diane?

And actually, it used to
be pronounced "Dee-ah-nay,"

but my great nonno's
dad got Ellis Islanded,

so it's a family name.

- Next in line, please.
- Ah. You can go ahead.

Yeah, thanks.

What are you doing?

We were next.

Oh, that's right.

Forgot you're a little sexist.

I always found that charming.

- No.
- We're waiting for him.

What, you slept with that guy?

- Please.
- I have done way worse.

Sounds like someone's
talking about me again.

Oh!

Who's that?

Looks like someone's
got a little crush.

He's a new client, Isaac.

We had a moment,
but it's nothing.

He has a marine
biologist girlfriend.

Here's a photo
of Dr. Supermodel

feeding a dolphin
in her work bikini.

Yeah, she clearly sucks.

Let me hold the phone so I can
zoom in on how terrible she is.

Anyway, doesn't matter.

I can't sleep with him
because I could kill him.

Which is unfortunate

because I bet his
body is bananas.

More like banana pudding, maybe.

Boy's a secret soft.

He is not.

What is that?

Secret soft.

A guy who wants you to think

he's sitting on some
chiseled gym bod

when in reality, he's
doing everything he can

to make sure you
never really see

what's going on under there.

Which is?

OK.

Notice the V-neck
under the button-down?

Or the strategically placed
beach towel to cover the nips?

Our boy wears a
T-shirt in the pool.

Who cares?

His torso is off-limits
to me anyway.

His whole body is.

- About that...
- maybe I can help.

So you can't have
sex with anyone,

or you'll kill them.

Yeah.

Except...

Except?

I'm just saying.

I hate the face you're
making with your face.

You look like a kid who's
been told he's funny.

I'm just saying,
you've had sex with me,

and I'm not dead.

Yeah, I know, which is crazy.

For some reason,
you're like a...

A sex loophole with
an invincible dick.

Exactly. We've already
agreed on this.

I'm saying, have sex with Isaac

through me.

Hard blink.

OK, this thing skipped me.

That means I'm safe, right?

So use me.

Use this vessel.

Let's have sex with each
other while we imagine

we're having sex
with other people,

people we actually
want to have sex with.

Isaac for you, and
Kristin Chenoweth for me.

It's Cyrano sex.

I guess what I'm
pitching is Cyrano sex.

Good. You're thinking about it.

Thank you.

Next.

It's showtime.

Hi. How can I help you?

Hi, Caleb.

I'm so glad I found you.

I'm Ruby.

A few years ago, we met in a bar

next to a bowling alley.

I was eating linguine with clams

and wearing just
a ton of makeup.

- I can't really hear you.
- OK.

We had some white Russians...

Can you believe that guy?

Right?

I know he got some tough news,

but you can't also break my 20?

No, he gave me a wrong number.

Can you even?

To be fair, you never
called him back.

Well, yeah, but he didn't know

I wasn't going to call.

You think that's Caleb's move?

He splits linguine with clams
and then has bathroom sex

and gives out a wrong number
to, like, a ton of girls?

Really want to stop hearing
about clams and bathrooms.

Also, there goes AJ's theory
about unfinished business.

Ugh, fuck!

I forgot I have therapy
in five minutes.

My phone's about to
run out of battery.

Do you have a
phone I can borrow?

- I need to hop on a Zoom.
- No.

These pants are too tight
to fit anything into.

Oh, but I do have
my stallion, though.

I don't have a second helmet,
but I promise I'll go slow.

Bye, Dr. Debra.

See you next Wednesday.

OK, Charlie.

I'll email your dad a superbill.

OK.

Ruby!

Oh, my God, you startled me!

Surprise.

I was just gonna
jump on the Zoom.

Come in.

OK, so first time in person.

Must be important.
What's going on?

Not much.

Ooh, I've been doing that
thing where I call pizza places

and order a pizza and then
five minutes later call back

and cancel them.

And you were right.

They are not always mad.

Well, Lenzano's was.

OK, well, that's part
of the exposure therapy,

knowing it's fine if
someone gets upset with you

and that you can handle it.

Right, so that's good.

What else?

Oh!

I met a guy. Isaac.

Tell me more.

Well, he's a new client.

And believe me,
Debra, this is not me

working where I shit, OK?

I don't
do that anymore.

OK.

But we just get
along really well,

and he likes musicals.

He's handsome.

And I just feel good

when I'm around him.

But he has a girlfriend.

Why are you closing your pad?

So I can lean in like this.

Ruby, this is what's called
an unhealthy behavior pattern.

You seek chaos in your
romantic relationships.

Pursuing unavailable men
is a form of that chaos.

It's tied to you feeling
abandoned by your father

after your mom died.

Have you started writing
that letter to your dad?

Yes.

No.

But only 'cause I don't want to.

Ruby, I know it's difficult,

and it might not seem
relevant in this moment,

but it will help you.

The unavailable men,

the unrealistic
expectations of romance,

the Kevin Kline dreams, it...

it all goes back to your
relationship with Dad.

Or maybe I just love love?

You love the idea of love.

But real love doesn't look like
what it does in the movies.

You know, it's not someone

declaring their love
for you on flash cards.

It's not a big rom-com
kiss in the rain.

It's... it's not
meeting a stranger

at the top of the
Empire State Building.

Right, but couldn't it be?

I'm trying to help
you find and maintain

a long-term, committed
relationship,

built on mutual
love and respect.

I mean, yeah,

that is what I want.

I'd like to try a
new exposure, OK?

For the next week, take
romance out of the equation.

Start with Isaac.
Keep it professional.

Treat him like what
he is, a client.

Can I still scroll
through his Instagram?

- Definitely not.
- Yeah. No.

OK, I will do that.

Keep it professional.

Thank you,
Dr. Debra.

We still have 54 minutes
left in our session.

Oh, God.

Yo, this is Z@kAt@k.

I'm questing in
"Blood General"...

oh!

If anybody wants
to join my party,

not gonna lie, I wouldn't
mind the company.

This place is creepy.

Nope!

So if you're out there
watching my stream,

go ahead and smash
that Follow button

or just come on by.

I am Shinobu.

- I'm Zack.
- Paladin. He/him.

Are you streaming?

- Yeah.
- You want to join my party?

Sure. Sounds like fun.

- Really? Awesome.
- OK, I'll...

Let me just check your
follower count before we...

oh.

Oh, no.

You know, it's a funny story...

- I should go.
- I'm sorry.

You seem like nice guy,
but I have my own followers

to think about.

Good luck on your quest, Zack.

Wait, wait, wait,
we can still be...

friends.

The Wi-Fi's out.

Router.

Router, router, router.

Ah, there she is.

Hello, router.

Booyah!

All right.

And we're back.

Holy shit.

I have to do this by myself.

Hey! Hi.

- Extension cord.
- Yeah.

Thank you! Jesus.

Professional.

Hello.

Hello.

Are you liking how
everything is looking so far?

- I am.
- Very much, yes.

Thank you.

Hey, so about the other day...

Oh, no, that was...

It was a mistake.

Yeah, it was.

It was... unprofessional
of me to dance with you.

No, no, I should have

never showed you "The
Greatest Showman."

It crossed the line of our
employer-employee relationship,

and it was
disrespectful to Merci.

Yes, I agree.

Employer, employee.

Professional.

- Ruby. OK, great. Take that.
- Take that. Thank you so much.

Let's get this run-through
moving, please.

What is the stopwatch for?

Timing.

On the day, we're going
to release 100 doves

at the conclusion of
the renewal of the vows

for... some reason.

And if the doves stay in their
box longer than they should,

they'll start pecking their
feathers out due to stress,

so we need to be precise.

Yes?

Why do I hear rap music?

Thank you.

OK, Isaac, follow
me. Give me that.

Throw that over here.

And you up here.

You're standing in for Dad.

And who is gonna be Mom?

Merci was supposed to do
it, but one of the manatees

had an ectopic pregnancy,
so she had to go in.

Huh.

Unprofessional, but fine.

All right, Ruby, you're Mom.

I am dropping you
the vows right now.

Oh. No, I don't...

- And you got them.
- Thank you so much.

I'm gonna take this from
you. Thank you so much.

You don't need that either.

All righty, and
let's take this off

because you're the
bride and not the groom.

That would be silly.

And what are these sleeves?
What are you, a pirate?

Come on, let's get
up here. Take that.

- Thank you so much.
- I don't...

- Please, right up here.
- Follow me.

- Thank you. Thank you so much.
- I don't want to...

Perfect. OK.

Let me get a look at you guys.

Hmm. What am I
looking at here?

Why do you look like
two Amish sisters

selling cheese curds at
a farmer's market, huh?

Come on, together. Squish,
squish, squish, squish.

Let's go. Let's go. Like
you like each other.

All right. Better.

All right, everybody ready?

Calvin?

Thank you.

On the day, Calvin will
have enormous boxes

filled with doves.

OK, timer, and... showtime.

- Susan.
- Who?

- Susan.
- Mm-hmm.

I love our life.

Our Christmases at the lake.

Our long car rides where
you commandeer the radio.

You're proof that sometimes
things do work out.

OK. Mom, you're up.

Look alive. Come on.
Let's go, let's go.

Uh... Doog.

It's pronounced Doug.

Right.

I knew that.

Doug, my partner in crime.

Do you remember our first date?

It was supposed to be
dinner and a movie,

but all the showings of
"Ladyhawke" were sold out,

so you lost your temper
and got into a fistfight

with the ticket guy.

We ended up walking
along the pier,

eating cold cuts out of my purse

while we waited for the police
to stop looking for you.

And even though our
first date didn't look

anything like how I imagined,

it was the best date
I'd ever been on.

Somehow, I just knew.

I felt that..."thing."

It was like, wow.

I like how I feel when
I'm with this person.

I like who I am.

I love how you keep meat
and cheese in your purse.

I love how weird and
specific and gross that is.

I love how I'm always
entertained with you

and never for one second bored.

You're... you're
flawed and imperfect.

And you somehow just
fit perfectly with me.

I do.

I mean, I will.

I mean... same.

And time.

Not bad, not bad.

That was slightly moving
and... extremely arousing.

How long was that?

Oh.

I forgot to hit Start.

OK, we have to start over.

Again. Everybody
from the top, please.

- Excuse me.
- I need some air.

- Hello?
- Finally!

You didn't see all my FaceTimes?

Or the text where I said
"call me" in all big letters?

I am at work.

What is so important
that you need to...

Your vagina's killing people?

- Like, what the fuck?
- Fuck.

You found the board?

What are all these guys
with the faces X-ed out

and Post-it Notes
that say "dead"?

Yo, like, Ruby, we had sex.

Does that mean I'm gonna die?

Because I cannot die.

I've never even
been to Silver Lake.

Take a breath, OK?

- I'm working on it.
- Working on it.

- Working on it?
- Yeah.

You didn't say anything
to AJ, did you?

- About the affair?
- Of course not.

It wasn't an affair.

It was... one horrible
idea, one time.

I'm being punished.

I'm being... I'm... God's
punishing me for infidelity.

God isn't doing this to you.

I'm doing this to you.

Ruby Yao?

Detective Brenowitz.

- Yeah.
- Hey. Hello?

I remember. Hi.

Do you have a few minutes?

I'd like you to come
down to the station.

- I have a few questions.
- You're still on FaceTime.

- You know that, right?
- Yes. Absolutely.

- Happy to.
- All I can see is your neck.

- See? I told you.
- I'm working on it.

Just trust me, and don't
say anything to AJ, OK?

Trust you...

So you finally decided
to start believing women?

Nope, nope.

John Early's death got a
lot of media attention,

and GLAAD's on my ass
demanding answers.

I got upset messages
from Billy Porter,

Billy Eichner,
Billy Bobby Brown.

Millie Bobby Brown.

Thank you.

All right, let's do this.

Excited to finally
get down to business.

Um, I think you should
probably sit over there.

Oh.

I just thought it would
be easier to work this way

so you could show
me what you've got.

OK.

Hey, look, I respect
your process.

OK.

All right, what do we got?

OK, for the tape, I'm
Detective Brenowitz.

I'm here with Ruby Yao.

Hello.

Why don't you just start
from the beginning?

Just walk me through
everything...

the murder board, the
victims, everything.

But I already told
you everything

last time I was here.

Right, but this
time, I'm listening.

Oh, my God.

Did you say "murder board"?

You think I'm murdering people.

You're not trying to
help me figure this out.

You are trying to
Amanda Knox me!

God, every female roughly
your age says that.

I watched all the
documentaries with my roommate.

I am being Amanda Knoxed!

OK, fine.

Cards on the table.

I think you're somehow
involved in this.

I told you I am!

I came here and
said that to you!

I AirDropped you this!

What is it, Finnegan?

They need you downtown.

There's been a fatal
shooting at a bank.

Victory Heights Financial?

Yeah. How did you know...

And the victim's name is Caleb.

Caleb something.
Don't remember.

But he was a bowler and a drunk.

She's right, Detective.

How are you doing this?

I don't know.

That is why I need your help!

I need this to stop,

and I need this to stop now
because people keep dying.

And I have finally met someone
who I have that "thing" with

who makes me feel not crazy

for even thinking
there is a thing.

And who feels like the person
I have been waiting for

all my life, and I
can't be with him

because I could
literally kill him.

I wasn't just at Victory
Heights Financial, was I?

We know that because I
have been here with you.

So you're saying
you're innocent?

No. I am a terrible person.

I fucked my best
friend's boyfriend,

and I have done a
lot of other things

that hurt other people
who didn't deserve it.

But someone else is guilty
of literally shooting Caleb.

Did you just check to see

if Finnegan was
wearing a wedding ring?

No, because he's obviously gay.

- Thank you so much.
- Cute.

OK, I don't know
what's going on here,

but I can promise you
I am gonna find out.

I'm gonna figure out
how you're doing this.

OK, let me know when you do.

Looking forward to it.

Champagne and hamburgers on me.

Uh, are you OK?

Nope. Not really.

- Do you want to talk about it?
- I can't.

When my account got hacked,

I lost all my custom hairstyles.

I felt like giving
up with streaming.

But then I remembered,
this is online community.

We are supposed to lean
on each other, right?

I guess it could help to talk.

Besides, virtual reality
isn't reality reality.

It might be nice to get
it all off my chest.

Hey, totally.

This is a safe space, man.

OK, um...

So there's this girl I
know, Ruby, Ruby Yao.

I mean... I mean
Ruby... McStuffins.

She's my girlfriend's
best friend,

and we slept together.

Oh, I am in!

Yeah, so apparently

there's this crazy
thing happening to Ruby.

And if she has sex
with them, they die.

Dead. And we totally had sex.

And I can't tell AJ because
then she'll find out

that I had an
affair with Ruby...

And Ruby was very
into shoulder biting,

which I didn't know was
a thing, but apparently,

like, it's a thing, and
I'm into it now too.

Well, whatever. And
now I'm gonna die.

So you're saying

Ruby's vagina is killing people?

That's exactly what
I'm saying, Triangle.

Her vagina is a death trap.

Motherfucker.

Of course there's fucking rain.

Ugh!

Isaac?

I just saw Merci.

She told me about you.

About sleeping with your
best friend's boyfriend

and murdering all of
your exes with sex?

Isaac, look, I...

Don't.

You don't have to say anything.

I know she's just hurting.

Why is she hurting?

Because we broke up.

I went home after I saw
you, and she and I talked.

She asked if there was
something between me and you.

That's weird.

No.

No, it's not. She was right.

There is something here.

And that's what I told her.

And it was hard, and
we were both upset.

And then she called later
with this dead exes stuff,

which I get it.

- She's lashing out.
- Right, yeah.

Of course she is.

I thought I could keep
things between us...

Professional?

Professional.

But when I was up
there with you,

saying the words my dad
wrote to the woman he loved,

I couldn't stop thinking
about how I was glad

that manatee had to have
an emergency procedure...

- who's doing fine, by the way.
- That's good.

So that you could be the
one standing there with me,

and not her.

What are you doing?

We're gonna get soaked.

I don't care.

Secret six-pack.

What's that?

- Nothing.
- I just...

I can't do this.

Believe me, I want to.

People told me a
moment like this

could never happen in real life.

But I knew that it could,

which is making me
trust my instincts,

but also not, because
that is what led me

into the situation I'm in now,
which brings me back to you.

I can't keep repeating
the same patterns,

because if I do,
you could get hurt.

Like, really hurt.

And I am actively trying not
to hurt people right now.

And if you want to
go back to Merci

and tell her you made a mistake,

I won't be mad.

- OK.
- OK, well, I'm a little mad.

- No, I mean, if...
- if you're not ready, it's OK.

I'll wait.

You'll... wait?

I don't have a choice.

- Hey-o!
- You need a towel?

Wait, wait, wait.

What if doing this
reverses the loophole?

Do you want me to stop?

No. I'll take my chances.

♪ I think his zipper's stuck ♪

- Should I...
- Hey!

No talking. No jokes.

You're not you.

You are just a vessel.

- You got it, Ms. Chenoweth.
- Ugh!

♪ He's not dead,
he's gonna live ♪

♪ He's not dead,
he's gonna live ♪

♪ I see his eyes rolling
back in his head ♪

♪ He's not dead,
he's gonna live ♪

♪ I see his eyes rolling
back in his head ♪

Hey.

So you fucked Zack?

♪ Just keep it going ♪

♪ Yeah, yeah, yeah ♪

♪ Uh ♪

♪ It seems to me so strange ♪

♪ Check wallet for his name ♪

♪ His face is in the muck ♪

♪ I think his zipper's stuck ♪

♪ He is perfect for me ♪

♪ To practice surgery ♪

♪ When blood coagulates ♪

♪ It's time to operate ♪

♪ Just keep it going ♪

I think that's a good idea.