All language subtitles for TINY.The.Life.of.Erin.Blackwell.2016.1080p.BluRay.x264-BiPOLAR

[bird wings flutter]

[bird calling]

[Mary Ellen] You were in love with him.

It was love.

[Erin] Wasn't love, Mary Ellen.
I liked him.

[Mary Ellen] It was love.

[Erin] No, it wasn't love.
I didn't know what love was.

[Mary Ellen]
You were crazy about him. Admit it.

[Erin] I was. I liked him.

[Mary Ellen] More than that.

[Erin] No, it wasn't,
because I didn't know what love was.

How could I know what love was? I was 14.

A kid that don't know nothing.

[Mary Ellen] Was he good in bed?

[Erin]
I refuse to answer that, Mary Ellen.

- Nosy-ass.
- [Mary Ellen chuckles]

- Do you know this camera's not on?
- [Martin] Oh, it is.

- Huh?
- No, it is. How do you know it's not on?

- 'Cause there's no light there.
- [Martin chuckles]

[Mary Ellen] Look at this picture here.

Isn't it great? You still chew bubble gum?

- [Erin] No.
- [Mary Ellen] Do your kids?

Yes. E'Mari loves gum.
He'd rather have gum than candy.

[Mary Ellen] That's odd.

Everyone loves that picture.
Why do you think they love it?

[Erin] I don't know.

[Mary Ellen] What do you think
it symbolizes to people?

[Erin] I don't know.

Young girl, beautiful.

Skinny.

Skinny.

That hat —
That hat got passed around a lot.

Martin has that on film.
Everyone wanted to wear that hat.

- [Erin] Really?
- [Mary Ellen] Yeah.

[Erin] That was a cool hat. I liked it.

[Mary Ellen] I remember you got the dress
in a secondhand shop,

but the hat, I don't remember
where that came from.

- [Erin] Right there on Pike Street.
- It was on Pike Street, uh-huh.

[Erin] At the market.

- Did you get into fights too?
- Mm-mmm.

No.

Boy, I would have hated
to have been hit by Patty.

She had a punch, right?

- I don't know.
- Did she ever hit you?

No.

And that girl was bigger than she was.

She didn't care.

- [Mary Ellen] Does that make you sad?
- A little.

Little Dewayne hung hisself.

What do you remember of Dewayne?

[Erin] Oh, he just liked to be
with the girls and...

was happy.

- So how old were you here?
- I was fourth, fifth or sixth grade.

- And here?
- Fourteen.

Is that when you first came out
on the street?

[Erin] No, I came out when I was 13.

[Mary Ellen] So you had already been
out a year. So you were tough already.

- [Erin] I wasn't tough.
- No?

- [Erin] No.
- What were you?

[Erin] I was just, uh —
I was a scaredy-cat.

I hated confrontations. I hated arguments.
I did not like to fight.

- Who's that?
- Lou Lou.

- Tell me about Lou Lou.
- Lou Lou was a tough one.

- [Mary Ellen] Was she tougher than you?
- Oh, yes. By far.

- Did she like you?
- Yeah.

[Mary Ellen] Did she love you?

[Erin] She always used to get after me
about doing something.

- [Mary Ellen] She was great, wasn't she?
- Yeah, she was.

[Mary Ellen] Special.
A leader on the street.

- [Erin] Mm-hmm.
- Miss her?

- [Erin] I do.
- Think about her?

All the time. Shadow.

[Mary Ellen] What do you remember
about Shadow?

[Erin] Tried to be a pimp.
Wasn't for him. Sorry.

- [Mary Ellen] Why?
- Look at him. He is not pimp style.

[Mary Ellen] What's "pimp style"?

Back then, it was Black men with
these long Jheri curls, nice suits on,

fur coats, jewelry,

riding in these big old Cadillacs.

[chuckles] What Shadow doin'?

[TV: man speaking, beeping noises]

[Mary Ellen] You look like
you really love your mom there.

I mean, I do love my mom,
but we just don't have a —

a really close relationship.

Do you think you missed that a lot
as a kid?

I don't really know
how it would have been with my mom,

'cause I never really had it,
so I can't really say I miss it.

That was in front of —

Oh, my God. I do not remember
the name of the restaurant.

Coffee Hut. How old do I look there?

- [Mary Ellen] Thirteen.
- Do I?

[Mary Ellen] How old was Pat?

[Erin] My mom... I was 14, she was 35.

- [Mary Ellen] Did you love her then?
- Well, yeah, I did.

I still love my mom, but it's just not
a close bond or anything.

[Erin] Pinky and Dora called me Tiny

'cause I was exceptionally small.

- Very tiny.
- [girl] You don't know jack shit.

- That's where I got my name.
- [girl] Bullshit.

- [girl laughs]
- [vehicle door shuts]

[Erin] I often wonder
whatever happened to them.

- I'd like to see them again.
- [people chattering]

[Mary Ellen]
That's the first night I met you.

You arrived at the Monastery.

[Erin] I don't remember
that shirt I had on.

Are you serious? That was the first night?

- The first night that I talked to you?
- [Mary Ellen] Yeah.

[Mary Ellen] It was 1983.

This was the first photograph
I took of Tiny,

taken in the parking lot
of the Monastery nightclub.

In that first brief encounter,

I knew Tiny was going to be
the star of my story.

That chance meeting
changed all of our lives.

[Erin] J'Lisa...

Diamond Hermina Brianne Charles,
get over here!

- Come here!
- [J'Lisa] I found a seashell.

[Erin] JuJu!

JuJu Bee! Julian!

[Julian] Yeah?

[Erin] This looks like it was just opened
not too long ago.

- There's more shells down here, J'Lisa.
- [Julian] Somebody killed it.

[Erin] The birds.

Are you listening to this?

[Erin] I don't know why I wanted ten kids.

I don't know why I picked that number.

- [Erin] Wow.
- Put it in here.

- You better not pick it up.
- Here, you want this one?

- It's still alive.
- Wow.

I feel it moving.

- [exclaims]
- Oh, don't scare me!

- [laughing]
- [Julian] Am I allowed to go by the water?

[Erin] Ouch! Something spit at me.

[exclaims] It's a clam, I think.

Oh, it's stinging my eyes.

Ew. See, here's one of these worms.

[Erin] Always wanted five boys,
five girls.

[Erin] Weird. Did you guys look
under any of these rocks for crabs?

[voice quavering]
And I got five boys and five girls.

[Erin] Do you want these shells? Ranaja?

- I have six children that live with me...
- And these mussels?

- ...but I have ten kids.
- That's the creature. People eat these.

- [E'Mari] Like, where?
- [Erin] In the restaurants.

- [E'Mari] What kind of restaurants?
- Seafood restaurants, honey.

- [Ranaja] Are you gonna eat it?
- Fuck no.

It has to be cleaned and everything.
It's poison.

- One spit right over there.
- Where?

[Erin] Ah! Right here.

It dug itself right down into the dirt.
That sucker got away.

[Erin] I can't believe that I am 44.

Isn't that cool, the house on the beach,
the one with those big windows?

[Ranaja] Yeah, I want that house.

I look at this as my halfway point
to the end of my life.

[Erin] Come on. I think we got enough.

I'm getting hungry.

J'Lisa! You go in that water again,
and we'll leave.

- J'Lisa, are you listening?
- Yes.

[Erin] I'm done. I got sprayed.

I'm gonna smell like seafood.

[Julian] Mom, what are we gonna do
with the crabs?

We can't take the crabs.

- [girl] We have to leave them?
- Yes, you have to leave the crabs.

The clams, we are taking.

- [Julian] Look.
- [Erin] Is it dead?

- No, it's alive.
- Oh!

- [Julian] Was that the crab?
- [girl shrieks]

- Oh, shoot!
- It scared me!

[yipping]

[Erin] Beans, stop it!

[music box plays softly]

- He's being annoying.
- [yips]

[Kayteonna] My mom was very,
very pretty when she was young.

[music box continues playing]

I still think she's pretty now.

[Erin] Beanie boy!

Even though she has brown eyes,
I just love how they shine all the time.

You better not pee in my bed.

[whimpers]

Sleep well, puppy.

I think my mom's beautiful.

- [puppies yipping]
- Hey, boys. Hey, little boys.

[J'Lisa] How are you doing, big boy?

Hey, little girl.

How you doin'?

[Kayteonna] Stay back.

[Erin] I regret being so young,
having kids.

I really wish I would've just did
my whole life different.

Hi, big boy. Hi!

Hi, b — Hey! You're not going up here!
Not — Hey.

But then I also think
if I would have did it different,

I wouldn't have the kids that I have now.

Big boy, you're slow!

[J'Lisa] ♪ Couldn't keep it in
Heaven knows I've tried ♪

♪ Don't let them in, don't let them see ♪

♪ Be the good girl you always have to be ♪

♪ Don't let them know ♪

- ♪ Well, now they know ♪
- [video game: man exclaiming]

Ring-ring, ring-ring.

Ring-ring, ring-ring.

[Erin] I learned to become a prostitute

seeing everybody else doing it,
making all that money in downtown.

My mom was mad. But what could she do?

- [J'Lisa] Are you cleaning?
- Yeah, I am.

I looked at it like this:
I was 13, still a baby.

Guys liked that.

That's why I got paid so much money.

[J'Lisa] My house is clean!

[Erin] We were living so poor,
I couldn't stand it.

[Kayteonna] Nine, ten, 11, 12,

13, 14, 15, 16,

17, 18, 19, 20.

Ready or not, here I come!

[Erin] Tony Cox.
He was the reason why I came downtown.

♪ He was the reason ♪

♪ He don't go to school ♪

♪ He don't listen to the parents ♪

♪ Does what he wants to do... ♪

[chuckles]

I remember the first day I came.

I rolled on downtown with my skates.

I just took everything, and I took my cat.

[child screaming]

[baby fussing]

[Erin] Puppy, out.

Kids and puppies.

Mom, can I go out and practice?

Um, I guess so. Yeah, if you want to.

[Ranaja] My mom has been good
the past few days.

Just a little stressed out...

[Erin] Ranaja?

...because we're not helping her
as much as we should be...

Ranaja?

... 'cause her feet are swollen,
and we should help her more.

[Erin] I don't care. What's in here?

I do worry about my mom's addiction.

[Erin] Are you doing it?
Yeah, throw it in there.

My mom thinks it's the reason
why her feet are swollen up.

- [Erin gasps]
- [girl] I'm sorry.

[girl, Erin continue chattering]

I don't want my mom addicted
to methadone forever.

...bra over here, please?

If it's helping her, it's helping her.

[man] My name is William Charles Jr.

I'm the husband of Erin Blackwell.

I've known Erin since 1997.

We now have been married
going on five years.

[Erin] I met Will on a chat line.

He came to my door.
I was shocked to actually believe

that was the other person on the end
of the phone line I was talking to.

- E'Mari?
- I liked the way Will looked.

And I was — I was just kind of shocked

that it was someone actually
that I liked looking at

and that I could see myself with.

First time I met her face to face,
it was, um —

She was cute. She was shy.

Rayshon, which is seven years old now,
he was three months old at the time,

and, uh, she didn't have much,

but the little bit she did have,
she shared.

She was coming off of narcotics.

She'd just had Rayshon,
and she was confused.

And, uh, I knew these things
'cause I've been out there.

I've been around.
I've seen things and done things, so...

I just didn't want to turn my back to her.

Just something about her that, um —
that I love.

[Erin] I should not have did that.

Pregnant at 15
and having kids starting at 16.

All through these years,
drinking and drugging and —

I just took day by day.

It wasn't right.

[William] When we get into arguments,

they can be over something, to me,
something stupid,

but Erin is very stubborn,
and she's stern.

You have to be around her.

There are some challenging days.

There are some challenging days.

If Erin and I hadn't met,

she would have continued doing
what she was doing.

Out on the streets doing wrong.

If she don't be dead,
she'd have been close to it.

'Cause Erin tried to commit suicide twice.

You have to accept people
for who they are.

I accept Erin.

I accept Erin to the fullest.

- [Erin] If it wasn't for Will...
- Brush your teeth too.

...I wouldn't be here.

Sit up there so I can put your shoes on.

- I'd be out doing what I used to do.
- Mama, I had a bad dream.

[Erin] And I look at Will
as my higher power.

Stop.

Hold on. I'll be right back.
Leave your foot right there.

Do not do nothing.
Do not put it on the floor.

[Erin] I don't really know if I've ever
been in love with a man,

'cause I really didn't know how to love.

I think Will is gonna leave.

Maybe next weekend.
Maybe the weekend after.

- Thank you, Dad.
- You're welcome.

[William] Erin was so honest with me.

She told me every single thing about her.

[chattering]

She did not hold nothing back.

She told me — She said,
"You've got a chance to leave now."

She didn't trap me with five children.

She never abused any of the children.

She wanted them to have a father around,
good education.

Something that she didn't have.

[William chattering]

That's what we're fighting hard
every day to do.

- Yep.
- [William] Yep, what?

Y'all want things, you gotta show me
some appreciation. Come on. Let's go.

I'm not giving you nothing else
until I see some sort of improvement.

Whose shoes are these?
Ranaja, are these your shoes?

[Ranaja] Where? No.

[William] Is that clean or dirty?

[William] Rayshon have a father.

He came to me. He said,

"I'm too young to be a father.

Could you take care of Rayshon for me?"

I said,
"Well, let me tell you something, man.

You didn't wear the condom.
She got pregnant. She had a baby.

You're the father. There's proof.

You gotta do something about it.

I'm not gonna be your scapegoat."

And he disappeared.

My real daddy's name is...

I can't remember his name.

Mmm.

He just loved his mommy.

He's very affectionate.

[Mary Ellen] He must miss you now.

[Erin] Oh, yeah, I'm sure.

I'm sure he has a lot of regrets
for not listening,

'cause they end up paying the price.

[William] Rayshon —
If he don't watch hisself,

he's gonna end up in the penitentiary.

- These streets are no joke.
- Hey, J'Lisa.

- How are you doing?
- You are a target every day.

And if it's not the penitentiary,
it's gonna be death.

That's what I been trying to tell Rayshon.

"Son, stay out of trouble.

Don't get caught in this system.

Prisons are nothing but slavery."

[laughing]

He don't get it.

[Erin] Daylon wasn't a mama's boy.

Daylon was in his own world.

Stayed distant. I didn't raise him.

He was bounced around
from foster home to foster home.

[Mary Ellen] Do you remember
when I took that picture?

How old were you?

[Erin] I was 16.

Now that I look back,
I really wasn't ready.

Hmm. This is me in labor with Daylon.

[chuckles]

Daylon when he was born.

This was my child.

I get to raise this baby
and teach him everything.

It didn't work out like that.

[Daylon] Do I like being a babysitter?

Sometimes yeah, sometimes no.

- [child crying]
- I like to do stuff myself, you know.

I'm pretty young,
so I like to get out and have fun too,

while I'm still here, you know?

But sometimes it makes me feel bad,

and sometimes it don't bother me

because I don't feel like
I should be cooped up all the time.

I'm not married. I don't got kids.
You know what I mean?

And, you know, here's more to life
than just sitting in a house.

You know what I mean?

When I sit in the house, I feel
you can always do jail in your head.

I feel like I can't do certain stuff,
you know?

[Ranaja] I do love looking after
my brother's baby.

My brother Daylon,
he has gotten a little "oopsie."

A little weird.

[TV playing]

I think it has to do with his addiction.

He does love his baby a lot.

He's there for his baby, takes care
of his baby like he's supposed to.

He gives it hugs and kisses.

A lot of love.

[pop music playing on radio]

[man on radio] KWIQ 98.9.

[woman on radio] Here's what's coming up
in the next 20 minutes.

[Erin] I feel really horrible for Daylon

'cause he too is doing something
that I have done.

[radio changing stations]

They've seen me go
through those hard times.

They didn't like
what they went through with me.

I woulda swore they would have never
done anything that I've ever done.

- [baby fussing]
- [pop music playing on radio]

[Daylon] I smoke heroin.

[baby crying]

I try to get it early in the morning
so the rest of my day is fine.

I really just smoke to get normal,
to feel like how I feel right now.

I feel fine. I feel normal.

To smoke every day...

[baby wailing]

...it's nothing I would suggest
to anybody, but, I mean,

it helps through stressful situations.

[lighter clicking]

I just need to smoke once, and I'm fine.

I could smoke more,
but smoking once is good for me.

You can get a good point
for about ten bucks.

That does justice.

If you add it up,
every day that's $70 a week.

That's, what, $240 a month?

Times 240 by 12 — That's a lot of money.

My girlfriend doesn't approve of it.

Erin doesn't like it either.

Erin suggests that there's other things
I should do besides narcotics,

but I guess it's a prerogative of mine.

[dolls laughing]

[J'Lisa] They're crazy!

Okay, girl,
you shouldn't have had that baby,

'cause your babies are really creepy.

[dolls laughing]

- Okay.
- [Erin laughs]

[Erin] I just remember being a kid.

Got to pretty much do go do
what I wanted to do at four years old.

Walk down to the corner store
and get candy.

We didn't have much toys growing up.

Barbies and a doll house. Slinky.

- What are you doing?
- [excited whimpering]

- I want a dolly!
- No. They're $29.

[Erin] E'Mari was about as big as that
baby when he was born. Maybe bigger.

I swear to God.

He was a humongous baby.

I'm buying this. Almost $20.

- I want to play with that here.
- Are you kidding?

- [Erin] No, I'm serious!
- Are you lying?

- No, I'm serious.
- But this is for kids.

So? I can play with you guys.

[singing softly]

[radio playing: woman singing]

[music box playing]

[snoring]

[music box continues playing]

[Kayteonna] My mom took me
to a horse ranch once.

My favorite horse was Dance.

I loved Dance a lot.

I whispered it in his ear.

I said, "I love you, Dance."

He turned his head and gave me a hug.

[giggles]

His eyeballs are so big.

[horse nickers]

My mom loved horses when she was little.

[garage door opening]

[kisses]

I've been waiting...

till I can talk to you on the phone.

Oh, and you had a leg itch? Aww.

Big Boy, lay down.

[Erin] It was fun, and it was freeing.

I'd do what I want.

Made a lot of money.

[harmonica playing]

Got to spend it on whatever I wanted.

It will never be like that again.

[Erin] Do you remember the guy
in the car I was talking to?

[Mary Ellen] Yeah.

That happened to be
when I worked at Movies and More.

There was a guy that worked there.
That was his uncle.

[Erin] I don't even know
how much money I was making.

[girl chattering]

[Erin] I have nothing to show for it now.

I was a kid in the biggest candy store,

spending my money

on clothes and shoes and motels.

[vehicle approaching]

There's Rayshon.

[Erin] No, no, no, no, no, ma'am. Uh-uh.

Pick it up right now.

Pick it up right now.

[people chattering]

[Rayshon] My stepdad,
I don't like him at all,

in any kind of way, shape or form.

Not going to school doesn't worry me.

If I'm not home,
I'm out with my friends having fun.

We get high and chill.

I've gotten in trouble with the law
plenty of times.

Going to prison,
it does scare me a little bit.

We gotta rehearse that. Right, dude?

There's always that bigger, badder,
tougher guy than you are,

and I just don't want to be
somebody's little boyfriend.

[Erin] Rayshon has a lot of enemies.

They like to mess with him
because of his speech impediment.

Rayshon didn't start talking
until he was six years old.

They say the reason Rayshon barks
and acts nutty sometimes

is 'cause I did drugs and alcohol with him
for the first four months of pregnancy.

[Rayshon barking]

I'm watching a movie! Stop!

- [child screams]
- [barking continues]

[William] What the hell's wrong with you?
You don't have to do that.

You're not an animal.
You're a human being.

You could get put away, Son.

You're seven years old.
You don't have to do that, understand?

- Yes.
- You're seven.

You're not a baby. You're not crazy.
You're not retarded. You're not stupid.

You're a very bright little boy.
Do you understand?

- Yes.
- I don't like that.

Mommy don't like that.
It doesn't look good.

- Do you understand?
- Yes.

People will give you medication for that.

Do you want to take medicine for the rest
of your life for something you not?

- [woman] What's your daughter's name?
- Ranaja Charles.

Okay. Let me check with the nurse.

Okay.

Okay. Well, I don't know,
but I can call her down.

Okay.

So that you can talk to her.

Is she up there?

No, she's not.

Oh. Well —

I checked with the nurse.

She may have health group
somewhere in one of the classrooms.

- Oh. And who is this?
- This is Pat Jenson.

Oh, Pat. Hey, you know, I was —

I keep forgetting to call there,
but I did need to talk to you.

Well, Ranaja has been
having trouble at school

with people calling her a nigger,

and I am totally upset about it.

Well, we are appalled with that,

and we have zero tolerance.

Right.

And she has been feeling like
she doesn't want to come to the school.

She doesn't want to finish
the school there.

She doesn't, uh, like the school

because she's getting people
saying stuff like that.

You know what I'm going to do?

Will she be embarrassed
if I called her down

and have her talk to the counselor?

I don't think she'll be, um —

- Upset?
- Yeah. I told her I was gonna call.

[Ranaja] Some people don't accept
the Black people at school at all.

That's what they go by, and that's
something I don't want to be around.

One of the jokes that people
think is funny

is when they say that Black people
should go wash yourself

because our skin color looks like dirt.

I don't believe that.

You're so heavy.

You're so heavy like a horse.

You like that?

[Erin] Rayshon,
he is doing everything wrong.

Doing drugs, smoking weed, drinking,

not going to school, being really defiant.

People are after him, wanna beat him up.

[chattering]

Rayshon's gonna either end up dying
or into prison.

He can get killed.

Somebody that's not very smart,

a dumb kid, is gonna end up killing him

just to show off to everybody else
how hard he is.

I already talked to my PO
about some arrangements.

- 'Cause I'm not staying here with you.
- [man] Rayshon.

But he wants to come
when he's got nowhere else to be.

I got somewhere to go, Mom.

[chattering]

[Rayshon]
Just two nights ago, she told me to leave.

I came knockin' on the door
so I could come home and stay home,

but she wanted me to leave and not
come back, so that's what I'm doing.

Came to get the rest of my shit
so I could go.

Uh-huh.

Are you guys gonna fight over this game?

No?

Then eat some pickles. And it —

What was I about to say? Sorry.

[Erin] I do miss the street a little bit
and the people I knew.

[J'Lisa] Now I have to
take care of these kids!

[Erin] A lot of memories.

- [people chattering]
- [blues guitar: "Teddy Bears' Picnic"]

It was like a family.
Everything's changed now.

I ain't done shit. You're a punk.

[Erin] It will never be that way again.

[chattering, exclaiming]

[blues guitar continues]

♪ Now, if you go down to the woods today
You'd better not go alone ♪

♪ It's lovely down in the woods today
But safer to stay at home ♪

♪ For every bear that ever there was ♪

♪ Will gather there for certain because ♪

♪ Today's the day
The teddy bears have their picnic ♪

[Erin] I am happy that I am here.

I'd like to see my kids do something.

They're young enough to be a star.

[babbling]

[crows cawing]

[motorcycle passes by]

[TV playing]

- Mom, wake up.
- [mutters]

- Come on, wake up.
- What?

- [mumbles] Can you get my medicine?
- Huh?

Do you want me to get you a coffee too?

[Kayteonna]
I only dreamed about my mom once.

I was with my mom
and the rest of the family.

We went to the beach.
We were all in the ocean,

and I went a little too far,
and I drowned.

But she came and saved me.

Then somehow in my dream,
I closed my eyes and opened them

and woke up and was all wet.

My bed was soaking wet too.

I told my mom.

This one?

Right here too?

Here you go.

- Is that it?
- Yeah, that's it.

I'll put it away while you —
Do you need your coffee?

- Can you get the dog?
- Yeah.

- [Julian] Mom, can I pull out my tooth?
- [Erin] No.

I can't.

[Erin murmurs]

My real father is a person I do not know.

It has hurt me over the years,
but, you know,

finally after my 17th birthday,
I just kind of like learned to accept it.

Shawnie wanted to know,
and I told Shawnie,

"That was another choice I made, Shawnie,

because I chose to do what I wanted
to do and not listen to anybody else,

and I was running around
and sleeping with everybody.

You can't expect me to know
who your dad was."

My mother, around November, you know,

she told me some stuff.

But I didn't get no name,
no identity or anything,

but she told me what motel, you know —

And I kinda like —
Or who it might be, you know?

She doesn't feel like
she's loved or wanted.

And I do love my daughter.

I mean, I did not raise them,

so it's not like I could just be there
for her on everything.

I could try,
but it's not ever gonna be the...

mother-daughter relationship.

- [LaShawndrea] Is there much more?
- Yeah.

You could probably use a little bit more.
'Cause you put this in the microwave —

[LaShawndrea]
We all share the same mother.

- Gonna put some more water in this.
- We were all in the same uterus.

But not — not too much.

- Okay.
- Just for, like, two seconds.

Can you get my coat, please?

Does it smell like grease and stuff?

- No, it was on the hoodie, kinda.
- Yeah. Mm-hmm.

- It does?
- A little.

- Here you go.
- Mm-hmm.

Have you ever thought about
a career, Ranaja?

- Huh?
- Have you ever thought about a career?

Yeah, we're gonna talk to people
and stuff. It's gonna be really cool.

Well, what is your choice of career?

I want to become a mortician.
I want to cut open dead people.

Oh, God. [chuckles]

And then I want to deliver babies.

Oh, my— Jeez.
You know, you sound like Mom. [chuckles]

[Ranaja chuckles] Is it how I said it?

No, she likes forensic science
and shit like that.

Lookin' at dead bodies
to find out how people died.

Yeah, that's what I want to do.

[LaShawndrea] Sometimes I think maybe
I thought she was my older sister.

I wanted to be around her so much.
That's the reason why I called her Erin.

She was my sister,
but I did know that she was my mom.

When I call her Erin sometimes now,
she'll be like, "Don't call me that.

You've been calling me that
when you were a little kid.

- When you were a baby."
- [door opens]

[chattering]

[squealing laughter]

[Kayteonna] I want to do Superman!

- Superman!
- Superman!

Sup — [screams]

[chattering continues, singing]

[Erin] I did drugs when pregnant with
Keanna till I was six months pregnant.

Went into treatment, got out,
found me a place to live.

Keanna was probably
about seven months old.

I go out one night
to this club called Oscar's

and then picked up some guy, drunk.

We go back to my house
and, you know, whatever.

Two days later, I came back home.

I was cleaning my house,
and I found a rock.

Cocaine.

And I sat there and thought about it.

I did it, and that's what started it
all over again.

- I was drinking one night.
- [tires squealing]

Got into a fight with some of my friends,
and I passed out on the side of the road.

The only good thing
that was out of that was,

this guy that was with me
had Keanna in his arms.

She could have got hit by a car, anything.

Of course, the state took her.

[Keanna] She didn't raise me.
She didn't raise Shawnie.

She didn't raise Daylon.

So it's almost like we're not her kids.

Things might have been different
if we stayed with her.

[Pat] I ended up pregnant with Erin.

I tried to lose her at first
by doing a lot of dope,

'cause I don't believe in abortion.

I was shooting drugs —
crack, heroin, coke, crank.

She just wouldn't leave,
and so I told myself

two, three months before I have her
I will quit doing drugs,

and that's what happened.

[Erin] My son's four and my daughter,
she's, uh, soon to be three.

- You're gonna be a busy lady.
- [chuckles] I know.

I have to go through parenting classes
and stuff.

[nurse] Uh-huh.
As part of getting them back?

[Erin] Yeah, and going through
my outpatient.

Uh-huh.

And that's basically it.
And get my own place.

[nurse] We're gonna look at some things
that have to do with

her development
and what she's learning to do.

And usually kids her age will start
to get so they'll focus on something.

See her eyes turning?

We look at all these things
especially carefully

with kids that have had some exposure
to drugs before they were born,

like she did.

Cocaine even causes things
like little strokes

or little bleeding in the baby's brain
when it's developing,

so that they're not able to do some things
as easily as other children do.

[Keanna] I wanted to be a werewolf
when I grew up.

I hung out on the streets.

I was gang-banging. I was cutting classes.

My history teacher, Ms. Weberg, said,

"I can see something in you.
Are you into drama?"

And I was like,
"Oh, you know, drama is everywhere."

She told me, "No, drama's in a person,
it's not in a place."

I decided I didn't need to be the drama.

I stopped hanging out with people
that didn't want to see me succeed.

[hip-hop music playing]

- I come from nothing.
- [no audible dialogue]

Where I come from
doesn't have to define me.

I'm not a statistic.

I see the world bigger.
I just have to work for it.

Sports did help me break away.
I played basketball. I ran track.

It taught me discipline.
It taught me that nothing's fair.

Sports brought me and D'vonne together.

[no audible dialogue]

I know my mom loves me.

My whole life she didn't really say it.
That's part of her anger now.

She regrets that we didn't live with her.

Dealing with my mom's past,
being a prostitute,

I feel proud that
that's the type of person she was,

because there's a part of them
that's fearless.

They go get what they need to go get.
They use their self to get paid.

It made me who I am.

[Julian] A lot of people want me
to be on their team.

People say I'm really good.

I want to be an NBA basketball player.

And when I'm in the NBA
I wanna get a mansion.

Then I'm gonna have
a basketball hoop in the backyard.

[man on PA]
It's time now for your Seattle U Redhawks!

[Julian] E'Mari,
he likes playing basketball like me.

He's inside a different class than us,
in special ed.

[chattering]

He runs very fast.

I'm almost fast as he is too.

Couldn't get that one in.

[Kayteonna] The only thing I hate
about school is I have to get up early.

- [whooping]
- I like the learning.

I want to be an artist,

a model, a fashion designer...

and a veterinarian.

[J'Lisa] Let's go, Seahawks, let's go!

Let's go, Seahawks, let's go!

Let's go, Seahawks, let's go!

[exclaiming, chattering]

Move. Move!

Go, 49! Go, 49!

Go, 49! Go, 49!

Hey!

- [humming tune]
- [children shouting]

Mikka, look at this doll!

[hip-hop music playing]

They wanna meet you. Here!

They talk! Mmm!

[hip-hop music continues]

[Daylon] I went to juvenile
'cause I did, like —

I had, like, harassment cases,
like stealing cars and —

Not like nothing hella major,
but, I mean, little stuff counts,

like destructing property,
like disturbing the peace.

You know what I mean? That type of stuff.

Stealing people's stuff, yeah.

When I go to sleep —
When I'm laying in juvenile I go to sleep,

and then I always have dreams about
being outside, and they seem so real.

Like you could touch something.
This is what my dream feels like.

Every time I have a dream
everything feels real.

I cannot tell the difference
from having the dream.

Even though I can see myself sometimes,
but everything feels real.

I could kiss somebody,
and it feels like I'm kissing 'em.

Then I wake up, and I'm still in the same
spot as I was when I went to sleep.

And it's like, "Damn. I'm still here?"
You know what I mean?

Yeah.

[Erin] My first baby I gave up temporarily

'cause I was still wanting to run around,
and I wasn't ready.

- [Daylon] Was that me?
- ... Child Protective Services...

Naw, that can't be.

[Erin] I was into drug use.

Who is that? Oh, look at Keanna!

That's Keanna, isn't it? [chuckles]

- Oh, look at me and Shawnie.
- Couldn't take care of them.

[Daylon chuckles]

- Wow.
- [Erin] Shawnie?

- [Daylon chuckles]
- Hi!

[squealing]

[Daylon] Super pow — Look.

[Erin] My daughter especially
is really happy.

Daylon, he's always a hard one
to adjust to people and stuff.

Sometimes he's happy.

- Do you like where you're staying at?
- Yeah.

- You do?
- Yeah.

I remember why I liked suspenders.
I had them back in the day.

[Erin] ... that I can say is mine
and love and —

That's sad.

That looks like it hurt.

[Dayton] She eat it.

[Erin] They're still young enough to where

I can try to make my life better,
or their lives better.

Eventually start school again
and, uh, get them back

and spend a lot of time with them

so they wouldn't think
that I don't love them.

[Dayton]
Mom was kinda pretty back in the day.

So, what do you want to know
about the foster home?

[Erin] Um, how they're doing.

That is sad.

They still ask about coming back,
you know,

but they seem to be really happy,

and it's just a real warm place.

- She really likes —
- Do you even care, really?

[woman] I think
you made the right decision.

They're real well taken care of.

[cries]

- [Erin] I want to meet the people.
- Mm-hmm.

[Daylon] How do you do that?
How do you just be okay

with where your kids are at like that?

I just don't understand that.

- [woman] Really?
- Not letting her out of my sight.

[Daylon]
I would stop everything for my kids.

If I had a chance to have my kids,
I would stop a lot of shit, you know?

I miss my kids a lot.

[people chattering on tablet]

Me and my mom.

- [Erin] Come on, Mom.
- [Pat yawns]

- Want me to give you a piggyback ride?
- Oh, yeah, sure.

Erin, don't — don't you dare. [laughing]

- [Erin] Why?
- 'Cause.

[Erin] Come on, Mom.

[Pat] The first time Erin ran away
from home, I called the police.

[Erin] Puppas!

Before I found Erin, it was about a week.

[Erin speaking gibberish]

Hey, Puppas!

[makes kissing noise]

For about three months,
I tried to get her to come home.

My P-P-Puppas.

[squeals, mouth pops]

She has grown up quite a bit
since she's been on these streets.

Don't fall.

She was 14 going on 21.

When I was drinking, Erin and I
used to get in some bad arguments.

I could see it in her mind,
she was thinking, "Oh, no. Not again."

♪ Ta-da ♪

The first time Erin was arrested
for prostitution,

I knew she was running around
downtown on the streets,

but I had no idea
she was doing something like that.

One day she come home,
told me she'd made $200. [laughs]

$200? I about fell off my chair.

I can't stop her from doing this,
'cause she's just gonna do it anyways.

When Erin first told me about this,

she thought I would be really angry
with her and hate her.

But I don't. It's just a phase
she's going through right now.

- What's wrong with your puppy?
- Don't ask.

Erin's always wanting this
and wanting that.

When you're a waitress,
you just don't make that much.

Whoops.

She'll see something she'll want,
and I just can't afford it.

And I just hate telling her no.

- [Erin] These three colors.
- Eye shadow pencil.

Yeah, and the eye lining. I want these —
the basic blue and the basic black.

Did you see the things
I marked out of here?

- No.
- Look.

[man] In headlines this morning
on KIRO News Radio 71, Carnation,

the proposal by the city of Bellevue
to build a dam on the Snoqualmie River

in order to get its own supply of water...

[Mary Ellen]
I want to show you some things.

The younger kids had a chance to live
with their mom, and you never did.

Why don't you talk about that?

[LaShawndrea]
I don't know why it makes me cry.

I do remember being in a home.

- It was just me and Daylon.
- [baby wails]

- [child] Where are you going?
- [Erin] I'm leaving.

- Uh-uh!
- [door shuts]

[Erin] Holly would say,
"At least say goodbye."

Why? They don't want to talk to me.

[woman] They're just kids, you know?
This is hard on them too.

- So you'll see them in a week.
- [kisses]

Why are you so sad?

[Erin] Because I miss you guys. [sniffles]

- [Daylon murmurs]
- [Erin] Yeah, I do.

[LaShawndrea] Why got mad?

'Cause...

[LaShawndrea] When I came over yesterday,

it felt like we were hugging and holding
just like inside of this video.

And I'm happy.

Inside of her arms, I do feel protected.
And loved.

[sniffles, voice breaking]
And not rejected.

I feel like she's rejected me a lot.

[wailing]

[LaShawndrea] I've always, like, kind of
had the idea of family, you know,

like the Huxtables on The Cosby Show,
you know?

Something like that, you know, and just —

Or, like, the Roseanne show, you know?

Everybody gets along
even though we're kind of dysfunctional.

- [weeping]
- But we all can't have that life.

We all are born for the life that we are.

'Cause there's a reason.

[LaShawndrea] Reconnecting
and meeting up with my mom again,

I've cried about it so many times.

Kind of like a missing puzzle piece
that finally fits in.

- I smell some kind of, like, liquor.
- [LaShawndrea] Let me smell.

What I've been trying to tell her
all my life...

Like a margarita.

..."Love me, but don't treat me
how your mother treated you."

Yeah, I hate that song.

The same love that you were looking for
with your mother

is the same one I'm looking for with you.

I should've acted like that
when you wanted to wear makeup.

She's always put things,

like men or alcohol and the drugs
and stuff like that, before me,

before her kids.

[LaShawndrea] I was like,
I want to get my message with God.

She's a bit selfish.

I just need to know
that God's really watching on me.

[chattering]

[Ranaja] Leave the empty bags on the side.

Hey. Hey. Put that up there.

So then they didn't have no churches,
so you came — went to Spokane.

Yeah. There was no churches
out in North Dakota.

- There was no churches?
- Not where I was at.

I was like 45 minutes away
from the nearest Walmart.

- [Erin] Are you serious?
- Yeah.

[birds chirping]

[TV playing, faint]

Kayteonna. Kayteonna.
Time to get up, mama.

- [Kayteonna] I sleep strong.
- Time to get up. Kayteonna?

- I'm the hardest person to wake up.
- Time to get up.

- J'Lisa?
- J'Lisa ain't hard to wake up like me.

J'Lisa? J'Lisa?

She'll throw a fit
about getting her clothes on...

- Get your clothes. You got your clothes?
- ...or getting her hair done.

- J'Lisa?
- I love J'Lisa.

You ready for school?

[William] I told my children
what I wanted for my birthday.

There you go. Come on, old lady.

I want to see them graduate.

I want them to blossom.

I want them to stick together like glue.

Pull each other up in life.

- You want one?
- No.

What do you cook 'em on?

[William]
I look at my children, so outgoing.

They want friends.
They want people to like them.

I want them to go to college,
to grab a career and don't let it go.

Being raised up in this country
as a Black man, it's not easy.

You have so much against you.

There's gonna be days they're gonna
make choices that's not good.

But they have that right also
to pick their heads up

and make a better life for themselves.

[Erin] Mikka has a dad,
but he's out doing his thing,

and so Mikka never sees him.

[Mikka] I went to see my dad in jail.

My dad is a tall Black man.

He — I never see him anymore.

And he — he does drugs, he sells drugs,

and he was in jail once.

[Mikka] Oh, that's Julian.
Me and Julian was young.

[Mikka] I am number four.
The fourth oldest.

Was this by Wild Waves,
the apartments that we stayed — Yeah.

I remember 'cause of that countertop.

I think the difference between
the first five and the last five

is the fatherly figure being there.

I forgot what I was upset about.
I think I didn't get no bacon.

[chuckles] I didn't get no bacon.

I was mad about it.

Gosh, my hair, man. [chuckles]

My hair looks the same in every picture.

- I don't even know how long ago this was.
- [Mikka] Our complexion?

It's like a bag of Skittles.
We're all different.

I feel like Shawnie is, like,
the lightest out of all of us.

No, Daylon.

Keanna would probably be
the second lightest.

Then me. Then it would be Rayshon.

Then the rest of the kids.

So wild. [chuckles] That's so wild.

Some moments I have,
there are moments being Black,

and there's some moments
I have to be white.

I feel, like, in between,
'cause I'm mixed.

Yeah.

My mom?

She's trying to recover from
all the mistakes she made in her past.

Oh, gosh. So young.

Me and my mom's bond
is really not as strong anymore.

Wow. [chuckles]
That's a while ago. Downtown.

She's been talking about reconnecting
with everybody and working things out,

and I feel like it's time
to go make dues with her.

- [dog barking]
- What's up?

How y'all been? Gettin' all big on me now.

- I just want my mom to get better.
- I'll be upstairs.

It doesn't matter who you are.

If you do drugs, it's always gonna be
a problem with you at the end.

You look all big and stuff.

It affected me because that's my mom.
I like to talk to my mom.

- Shawnie, Mikka, Mom's inside the shower.
- You came back!

Is Mom in the shower?

[dog barking]

[Mikka] I love my mom. You only get one.

It's just that feeling you have
from that person

'cause they gave birth to you.

I can feel it, like,
she really loves me deep down.

My mom thinks I'm good-looking
because I came from her.

And she say I look like my dad.

One time when I was little, he came home.

That's the last thing
I can really remember of him,

other than seeing him one time
in jail behind the bars.

- You in school now?
- Yeah.

My mom was a hooker
at the time when she met him.

I gotta go.

So he was just like some random dude.

- [Erin] Look, I did his hair.
- Yeah, but you messed it up, kinda.

- [laughing]
- The lineup on this side is —

- You tried to do the lineup over here.
- I know.

Need to leave that anger stuff alone,
young man.

You look good.

I'm about to go outside
and play basketball.

[Mikka] What is Ranaja doing? No!

- Ah!
- There's blood on the dance floor.

- No!
- [J'Lisa laughing]

And they got that one. Whose is that?

Mikka, you want gum? Tiny, you want gum?

I have a gum. Thank you, though.

- [J'Lisa] I like Carrie.
- You like Carrie? Who's Carrie?

- Carrie is right here.
- Oh, Harry.

[Mikka laughs]

[Mikka] Dang, Mom's still in the shower?

[J'Lisa] Mom takes very long showers.

[Mikka] How long has
she been starting that?

- Finished with school.
- [J'Lisa] No, you're not.

[Mikka] You wanna see?
What's that look like, girl?

- He can't read.
- [Mikka] He don't know.

[kissing sound]

[LaShawndrea]
She gonna learn though, huh?

[Mikka] My GED
is more of a surprise thing.

[Mikka] I got all my points.

[Mikka] She's gonna feel excited
that I really finished it.

- It took me a while.
- [Ranaja] You passed?

- [Mikka] Yeah. It's my GED.
- Since I was 16.

Wow! Tattoo!

I was thinking about going back to school

'cause I want to do stuff
like an architect or engineering.

Wanna have my own place
and probably have at least a kid.

Have a car.

Have myself together in a better place.

[J'Lisa] Can we go to the park?

[Rayshon]
Mom, don't forget it. Did you forget it?

Can we go to the park?
Mom, can we go to the park?

[J'Lisa shouts]

Come on.

[J'Lisa] I can't run in these shoes.

[shouting, exclaiming]

[chattering]

[Erin] That didn't hurt, Mikka?
'Cause that's the ribs.

- Yeah. This one did hurt.
- Oh, you got that? Boy!

- Mom, look at the height difference.
- Mom, look.

[Mikka] I got the paper
that says I passed my GED.

- I'm gonna hang it up above my window.
- What is that?

- Oh, did you get it?
- Yeah.

What? Wow!

I feel accomplished that I finished it.

It tells you, uh...

[children chattering, exclaiming]

[William] Erin has been in the world
of crack since 1997.

I know this for a fact.

She have bad dreams now,
just like anybody else

who have done wrong
and cleaned up their act,

because sometimes the devil just
wants you to get out and do your thing.

But she tells me.

She say, "I had a bad dream.
It's about smoking."

[Erin] I admit that I am addicted to it.

All you do is drop one fucking drug
for a-fucking-nother!

And all you do is make up
these fucking excuses

why you can't get off this fucking shit!

You are fucking hypocritical!

[Erin] You guys don't know
what's good for me!

[LaShawndrea] Then how you gonna
try to sit here and dictate

what's good for other people?

- How do you know it's my birthday?
- Because I just googled you, bitch!

You okay, Mama?

- Mm-hmm.
- Hmm?

Mm-hmm.

It's cold.

[Ranaja] I wish we were
just one big happy family.

The only happy family in this world

are written in fictional books.

[chuckles] Made-up stories.

[Ranaja chuckles] Fairy tales.

[Ranaja] My dad has been in and out a lot.

I'm surprised
that he's been here this long now.

- I love you, Mom.
- I love you too.

Living in his motel.

[LaShawndrea]
I'm just trying to help her. That's all.

[Ranaja] I know.

[Erin] I have to say something else,
Shawnie.

- I take care of these kids. You do not.
- I understand that.

And therefore, Shawnie,
you have no say-so over what I do.

I don't take care of you.

You've got to stop trying to live my life
and tell me how to live it.

It's not up to you what I do.

You don't have to come around me

if it bothers you that much
to see what I'm doing.

'Cause I just feel like
we're gonna just crash again.

And it's not fair to either one of us.

She's still making excuses.

She's right. You guys are not my kids.

But it would be good
to keep on seeing you, yeah?

[LaShawndrea] Yeah.

[J'Lisa] Yes, you may.

Why, yes, you may.

What is your problem?

You gonna beat us? No, no.

[babbling]

[Julian] At school,
I don't act up like how Rayshon does.

That's true. You only do it at home.

[Julian] Yep, that's right.

[Erin chuckles]

Why do you do it at home
and not at school?

Because I have work to do at school,
and I have to finish my work.

Oh! So if I give you work here,
would you do like you do at school?

[Julian] Yep.

[Erin] Why don't you clean up
the front door area?

[Julian] The front door area?

[Erin] Yeah. Kind of organize
stuff around there.

Pick up all the shoes,
put them in the bucket.

Okay.

Then get the vacuum cleaner
and vacuum up all the dirt.

- Okay.
- And then you mop it.

Okay.

You can open up the front door a little.

Right there?

Just about to where —

Too much water, JuJu.

Yeah, open it up. A little bit more.

- Right there?
- Okay. That's good.

[dog barking]

[Erin] Hi.
This is kind of a non-emergency.

Okay, I need somebody to
come pick up my son.

He's on the home monitoring,
and not abiding by the rules here,

so I need somebody to come
pick him up and take him down to juvie.

He's cussing at me.

He's, um, kind of, you know,
acting like he's running the household.

Also, he had somebody go down
and pick him up some weed,

bring it to the house, and I found out,

and I made those people take it back
to where they got it from.

That's not allowed in my house.

So now I can't trust him. You know.

And he's verbal with the younger siblings,

and I just, you know,
don't want to deal with that.

Blackwell.

Rayshon.

R-A-Y-S-H-O-N.

Uh, he's 5'10".

Skinny. Black.

Very little — Just a couple hairs
on the chin. [chuckles]

He's got a mustache, though. Charles.

Erin.

Yes.

A.

Uh-huh.

5869.

Yeah.

Yes.

Okay.

Hop on in.

Seat belt, and we'll get out of here.

[Erin] Uh-huh. Bye.

I hate to do that, but you know what?
He's gotta learn.

He can't just do me like that.

- [Ranaja] Does he know that he's leaving?
- Huh?

- Does he know that he's leaving?
- No. He probably didn't believe me.

Does he think that you're gonna be
too scared to call on him?

No, I'm not scared.
He just probably thinks,

"Oh, Mom always says that
and then she never does it."

[Erin] I feel that
if I didn't speak up in court,

they wouldn't think that I really cared.

I know what would work for my son,
but they can't do what I wanted to do.

What I wanted was six months' probation
and home monitoring.

Rayshon would go to school.
Get better grades. I would help him.

Mom can't fire you,
much as she'd like to sometimes.

'Cause, you know,
you're paying for electricity, right?

- No.
- Oh, you pay for food?

No.

You freeloading, man!

Your job, your only job,
is to attend school, right?

You're not doing your part.

And your younger brothers and sisters,
the younger folks in the house,

they say, "Rayshon's not going to school.

I wanna be just like Rayshon
and not go to school."

Right?

Nah, they're actually
pretty good in school.

[line ringing]

[ringing continues]

[Pat coughs] Excuse me. Yes?

- [Erin] What are you doing?
- [Pat] Huh?

[Erin] What are you doing?

- Playing on my computer.
- Oh.

- Mah-jongg.
- What time can I come down there?

[Erin] I love my mom.

[Pat] Oh, anytime before 3:00.

- We have a very distant relationship.
- Why before 3:00?

[Pat] 3:00 is kind of late.

[Erin] She does what she does,
and I just choose to stay away from it.

- Mother!
- What?

She's never gonna change,
and it just causes arguments.

[Pat] No, 'cause when Frank gets home,
he don't feel like entertaining.

He's out working right now.

So what?

Okay. Now you've made me miss a move.

[Erin] Come on, Beanie! [kissing sounds]

Beanie Boy! [whistles]

Beans! Come on. Let's go.

Come on, Bean. Come on!

Come on.

Bean!

Bean, hey. You looky here, sir.

You don't need to be seeing
what's out there.

Go in the back!

Oh, honey, don't tease him!

[Erin] I don't come down here.

There's nowhere for the kids to play.
Too small in there. Nowhere to sit.

And that cat is evil. He looked at me
like he was about to attack me.

- [Beans yips]
- Oh, Beans.

I don't trust it. That's my Beanie boy.

- Get him a little sweater.
- He'll pee on it.

When he goes to the bathroom,
he'll end up peeing on it.

- Doesn't he lift his leg?
- Not all the time.

- Oh! [laughs]
- [child] He bends down.

- [Erin] Sometimes he bends down.
- Oh, really? That's odd.

[Erin] You guys really wanna go in?

- [child] Yeah.
- Okay, let's go in.

I can sit at the table, but I gotta pee.

- You can flush it, Erin, can't you?
- No. Uh-uh.

- I don't want to touch it.
- [scoffs]

- It's gross!
- All right. I will.

[Pat] She was a cute baby.

[Erin] Okay.

[Pat] I don't have any baby pictures
of her either.

Okay, just a minute. Put this out.

And I've got some soap in here, Erin.

[shouting, indistinct]

- [Erin] Do you ask me like that?
- Uh-huh.

- No, you don't.
- Uh-huh.

[William] I'm not a religious person.
I never tell nobody I'm religious.

But in the book of Hosea, in the Bible,
Hosea married a prostitute.

And when you have been
in the situation that she's been into,

prostitutes have a way of being people
that have been driven out there

for some odd reason,
and drugs were her problem.

- You'd better not!
- Drugs and her mother.

[child laughing]

Erin want things.
She had the opportunity to have things.

But her mother destroyed that,
took her away from it.

That's why when she have
something now, she just hold on to it.

- [Erin] 'Cause you can't face reality.
- Well, neither can you, damn it!

- Oh, yes, I can.
- Bullshit!

- Oh, yes, I can.
- Why don't you just go home?

- I'm going.
- Brat.

- You made me like this.
- Oh, baloney. You made yourself this way.

Maybe I'd have a real mother
if she'd believe what she does...

- Maybe if I had a daughter...
- ...and quit fucking drinking.

- ... that didn't hit the street!
- [door slams]

Bitch.

[Erin] I don't know if my mom loves me.

When I was younger, it mattered to me,

but now it's just like —
she's just like a friend.

Okay, go ahead.

[Erin] I didn't flush it.

Come here, you.

Impossible kitty cat.

[Erin] What's that in that cup?

- [Pat] That's my flea catcher.
- Oh. Great.

- [laughing]
- You have fleas, Mom?

No, not now.

[TV: actors speaking, faint]

- Sure you don't have ear mites?
- Nah, I don't think so.

[chuckles]

She stoled somebody's horse one time.
I said, "You take that horse right back!

I'm not gonna go to jail!"

[Erin] I remember that.
That was Mrs. Sheritts.

Yes. That horse was big!

She was only about ten
when I made you take that horse back.

"I don't want to!"
I says, "You stoled it. You take it back."

[both laughing]

[Pat] I don't know how
she ever got up on that horse.

[train horn blowing]

[door hinge creaking]

[Erin] I just see Rayshon.

- He's still my baby.
- [door slams]

I wish I could take Rayshon home
every time I leave from there...

but I can't.

- [doors creaking, slamming]
- Totally helpless. Can't do nothing.

When he does stuff like this,
he left everybody behind.

I think about it every day, like,
why couldn't he just listen?

Why did he have to do that?
He screwed it up.

He's locked up.

We can't touch him.
We can't hug him. We can't kiss him.

There's a barrier.

He's in this hole
that's just never gonna go away.

He's going to have that on his back.

A felony.

- Hey, Rayshon.
- Hi, Mom.

- How you doing?
- I'm doing good.

Just a little bit stressed.

I want to apologize
for the things I said in the letter.

[Erin] That's okay.

[Erin] I'm not ashamed of Rayshon.

I'm just ashamed of the shit that he did.

- He didn't have to do that.
- What's up with Ranaja?

- But he wanted more.
- Ranaja went to juvenile on Monday.

- Why?
- She's been running from home.

- Ranaja was talking back to me...
- [Erin] She had a warrant.

...and she wanted to leave.

She told me to call the police
to come pick her up.

I told her she couldn't go nowhere.

[Rayshon] How long
is she going to be in juvenile for?

[Erin] She waited until I was asleep,
and then she left.

[Erin] She came back on Tuesday.

[Erin] I didn't see or hear from her
for, like, maybe a week,

and I finally went out there
to look for her.

And I found her.

She looked like she ain't showered
that whole entire week.

She didn't look like
she changed her clothes, do her hair.

She looked like a bum.

[R & B ballad playing on tablet]

I don't understand
why she thinks it's so bad here.

[R & B ballad fades]

[Erin] I wish I could be
that skinny again.

- [Mary Ellen] What was that?
- Ugh. My mom. Do you see the house?

This is around the time
my mom went to treatment.

- What were you gonna ask?
- [Mary Ellen] Do you remember that day?

- [Erin] Yeah.
- Was she sad?

[Erin] Yeah, I don't know.
I mean, she hid under the alcohol.

So I really don't know.

That she drank all the time?
Yeah, that was sad.

- [Mary Ellen] Do you remember that?
- I don't remember his name.

[Mary Ellen] Is that
before the punk hairdo?

[Erin] Mmm, no. This is the same hairdo.

See how it's cut there?

[Mary Ellen] Do you remember the jacket?

[Erin] Yes, I remember that coat.

- [Mary Ellen] What color was it?
- Oh, it was red.

[pop music playing on boom box]

All right.

[Erin] Just two days
after my 13th birthday.

Call and tell her
we're gonna come see her.

Downtown looking for
a Mother's Day present for my mom.

[Lou Lou] Girl stabbed in her back.
Punctured her lung.

[Erin] It was scary because these
Black guys would be getting in my face,

and I just didn't know what to do.

'Cause I didn't know what the game was.
I didn't know about pimps or prostitutes.

I didn't know little kids my age
was prostitutes.

I thought they were all, like,
older women in their 30s.

Lou Lou is my protection.

Says I'm her sister.

[Lou Lou] My brother and my sister.
She called Lisa a bitch.

You're a movie star, Dawn,
and you're even dressed up, huh?

They ain't filmin' you!

[Erin] Some dates
are really old men in their 70s.

For a blowjob, it'd be 30 on up.

For a handjob is 25.

Aah!

Most of these veterinarian hos
would charge more than us little kids do.

She almost knocked your radio off.
Hit her.

You must have a death wish, baby.

- [music playing]
- [people singing]

♪ 'Cause you are one in a million ♪

- [radio blaring]
- They picked me up.

I don't care if they picked you up
or you picked them up.

It's not right.

[Erin] I got raped
the second week I was downtown.

I wish I was still at home,
going to school.

I wish my mom would stop her drinking.

'Cause the mess I'm in now is horrible.

[radio static]

I'm supposed to be in 9th grade this year.

I want to get a tutor to myself,

get my diploma and into college

and be a policewoman or a veterinarian

or a computerize person
that works on computers

that gets paid a lot of money.

[chattering]

I don't really want to go
back to school...

but I've got to.

I don't want to be shooting up drugs
all my life.

[no audible dialogue]

[Erin] I want my kids to have a future.

To have a life.

I don't want them to be struggling.

- They're just my kids.
- Patty-cake, patty-cake.

Bake me a cake as fast as you can.

Roll it.

Pat it.

[J'Lisa] Watch out!

[William] All right, here's the bus.
Pay attention.

[Erin] My relationship with Will —

[children chattering]

There's really not a relationship.

There is no more me and Will.

It's never gonna work.

He left, and he hasn't came back.

The kids were hurt that he left.

He just broke all his promises.

- [TV playing]
- [Beans whines]

You've got to move, Beans,
'cause I'm trying to pick this up.

It's not for you to lay on.

[Erin] What is love?

What does love do?

I don't know.

[J'Lisa whispering] Ranaja.

Ranaja, I love you very much.

You are sweet and beautiful.

I hope you get better.

Ranaja, you're not gonna hurt anymore.

[monitor beeps]

[Erin] Hi, Nay-Nay.

Hey, Nay-Nay.

Naja?

You go to sleep on me?

[Erin] I don't know why
Ranaja got into using drugs a year ago.

She never really told me why.

She even started smoking meth and heroin.

She's tired.

When they found her, she had no pulse,

and they had to resuscitate her
before the ambulance got there.

She was fighting for her life.

We don't know why she did it.

We may never know.

[J'Lisa whispering] Ranaja.

Get very, very better...

and you can have a better life.

[man on radio] KIRO news time, 5:53.

Puppas! Puppas!

[man on radio] It really hasn't been
as bad as it might have been.

Puppas! [kissing sounds]

[man on radio continues, faint]

Gives me chills. [laughs]

- It's not too cold, is it?
- No.

Okay.

[Erin] It's been a long time
since we've seen each other.

Yeah. I just saw your mom
just a few weeks ago.

[Erin] Did you hear she was
in the treatment center in Olalla?

[woman] Yeah. I talked to your grandma
to get your number.

[Erin] I want to be really rich...

and live on a farm with a bunch of horses,

which is my main best animal,

and have three yachts or more

and diamonds and jewels
and all that stuff.

I want to be somebody in the future.

[car doors closing]

[piano playing slow ballad:
"Tom Traubert's Blues"]

♪ Wasted and wounded ♪

♪ It ain't what the moon did ♪

♪ I've got what I paid for now ♪

♪ See you tomorrow ♪

♪ Hey, Frank, can I borrow ♪

♪ A couple of bucks ♪

♪ From you? ♪

♪ To go ♪

♪ Waltzing Matilda ♪

♪ Waltzing Matilda ♪

♪ You'll go ♪

♪ Waltzing Matilda ♪

♪ With me ♪

♪ And it's a battered old suitcase ♪

♪ To a hotel someplace ♪

♪ And a wound that will never heal ♪

♪ No prima donna ♪

♪ The perfume is on ♪

♪ An old shirt that is stained ♪

♪ With blood and whiskey ♪

♪ And good night to the street sweepers ♪

♪ And the night watchmen flame keepers ♪

♪ And good night ♪

♪ To Matilda ♪

[J'Lisa laughing]

♪ Too ♪

[babbling]

Ow! [chattering]

[song ends]

[dog yips]