Original subtitles

- ♪

- Here.

What's wrong?

- You asked me what I wanted to drink

and I said iced tea with lemon.

- Oh, I forgot the ice. - And the lemon.

- You know what's weird? - What?

- That I keep inviting you over!

- SPENCER: Aw man. Aww.

Hey.

- What up with the elevator? - SPENCER: I don't know.

It keeps breaking and getting stuck like this.

- - Come on in.

- All right, who's ready to do a web show?

- Hi, Freddie. - Hey, Spencer.

- The elevator keeps getting stuck.

- Ah.

Ooh, are those cashews? I love cashews.

- Why does your voice sound deeper?

- I don't know. Puberty?

- Should I, like, call for help or something?

- SPENCER: Nah. I think I can get out.

The problem is this machine.

- What machine? - It's a smoker.

- A smoker? - SPENCER: Yeah.

You know, how sometimes when you go to concerts

and they have smoke all over the stage?

Well, my buddy Jeff is in a band and they needed one,

so I borrowed this smoker from Socko.

I can almost fit it through here.

Come on, you smoker!

- Hey, we got to start "iCarly" in 10 minutes.

- Where's your tech wizard friend?

- Yeah, where's your nerd? - He'll be here in a sec.

And he's not a nerd. - But I thought you said

you know him from the AV Club. - Yes, so?

Just 'cause we're in the AV Club,

that automatically makes us nerds?

- SPENCER: Aah!

Stupid smoker machine. Come on.

- You sure you don't want me to call for help?

- SPENCER: Yes. Oh, no.

Wait. Wait.

Call for help.

- FREDDIE: In five, four, three, two--

- ♪

CARLY: ♪ I know you see somehow the world will change for me ♪

♪ And be so wonderful ♪

♪ Live life, breathe air ♪

♪ I know somehow we're gonna get there ♪

♪ And feel so wonderful ♪

♪ It's all for real ♪

♪ I'm telling you just how I feel ♪

♪ So wake up the members of my nation ♪

♪ It's your time to be ♪

♪ There's no chance unless you take one ♪

♪ And it's time to see the brighter side...♪

♪ ...of every situation ♪

♪ Some things are meant to be ♪

♪ So give your best and leave the rest to me ♪

♪ Leave it all to me ♪

♪ Leave it all to me ♪

♪ Leave it all to me ♪

♪ Just leave it all to me ♪

- ♪

- In five, four, three, two--

- I'm Sam. - Carly here.

- And this is "iCarly."

- To start the show, Sam and I will now speed walk

in a circle for no apparent reason.

-

-

-

- SAM: And now-- - Hula time.

♪ Hula, hula, hula, hula ♪

♪ Hula, hula, hula, hula, hula, hula, hula, hula ♪

-

- Come in.

- Ah, hello. - SPENCER: Who's there?

- Uh...I'm Shane. - Freddie's nerd friend?

- Um...uh...I guess. - Over here.

Hey, the elevator's stuck.

- Sorry. Listen, I'm really late. I need--

- Yeah. Freddie's upstairs doing the show

with Carly and Sam right now, you can just take the stairs.

- Thanks.

- Wait, you're not a nerd. You're kind of handsome.

- Thanks.

- Next, Sam and I will stuff blueberries

up our noses.

- Zoom in on this, Fredward.

- Yeah. This is classic stuff.

And now, I will hula dance like an idiot while Sam plays...

- The trombone, baby.

- ♪

- ♪

-

- Okay, on a live web show like "iCarly"--

- You never know what might happen.

- Like a friend of Freddie's just walked in.

- He's brand-new at our school.

- And he's gonna help us show you guys

a super cool experiment. - With magnetism.

- So let's meet Freddie's nice friend.

- Yes, let's meet him immediately.

- Come on, don't be shy.

- Yeah, come here, whatever your name is.

- His name's Shane. - Shane.

- Hi, Shane. - Hi.

- So you're in the AV Club with Freddie?

- Oh, yeah. Sure am. - Oh, wow. That's so awesome.

- And what's cooler than a guy in the AV Club?

- Nothing.

- Guys. Guys, the web show?

- Oh, right.

Up--coming up soon, Shane's gonna help Sam and me

show you guys a little-- - Fun with magnetism!

- Magnets. Magnets.

- Magnets. Magnets.

- And now, as you can see, Shane is attaching

magnetic cuffs to our wrists.

- And the wires from the cuffs lead to a device called...

- Tell them, Shane.

- Magno-static multi-pulse flux generator.

- Cool. - You're so smart.

- Now, I will put one foot into a bucket of vinegar.

Hmm. Yes.

- And I will put my foot into a bucket of goat's milk.

- Power it up. - SHANE: Powering up.

- And now, watch what happens when we touch our tongues

to each end of this crystal rod.

- Isn't this cool.

- BOTH: Ta-da!

- ♪

- Hey. Either of you guys seen Shane?

- No, why? Is he coming by here?

- What time? - Well, calm down.

I was just wondering if you saw him.

I needed to give him back his flash drive.

- Let me do it! - Okay! I'll handle it.

Crazies.

- So, you kind of like Shane, right?

- Yeah.

Um, do you think it'd be crazy if I ask him out?

- Um, well, no.

It's just that-- - What?

You think he'd think I was being too pushy,

too desperate? - No.

- Well, tell me what you're thinking.

- I was thinking about asking him out.

- Oh.

Um-- - Yeah.

- I think the only way to be fair here

is to honor the girl code.

- So, whoever saw him first-- - Gets to date him.

- Agreed. - Good.

- BOTH: So I'm gonna ask him out.

- ♪

- CARLY: Okay, stop.

I guess it's kind of hard to tell.

- Yeah.

I saw him first. - I saw him first.

- SAM: Play it back frame by frame.

- Yeah. Frame by frame. - I just said frame by frame.

- I also said it. - All right. Take a look.

- Okay. - Coming up.

- About to happen. - Here it comes.

- FREDDIE: There. A dead tie.

So, I guess, neither of you can go out with Shane.

Oh, too bad. Bye.

- So what are we gonna do?

- Okay.

Who says we can't both go out with him?

- Don't you think the two of us going out with the same guy

could be kinda dangerous?

- No, it's not like we're talking about marrying the guy.

- Okay.

And you know why this is gonna work?

- 'Cause we're best friends. - Uh-huh.

And we're never gonna let some guy wreck that.

- Not in this lifetime. - No way.

- We're gonna be super mature about this.

- Yup. - Good.

I'm gonna call Shane right now and ask him out.

- Not without your cell phone, you're not.

- Sam!

- I was just kidding. - I know.

Give me back my sim card.

- ♪

- So you think it will work now?

- Should. Rewired the buttons. - Mm-hmm.

- Reset the gears. - Yeah.

- Greased the shaft. - Right.

- Should run fine now. - Great.

-

- Is everybody okay? What was that crash?

- We're fine. The elevator just dropped

nine floors to the basement.

- Yeah. How would I get down there?

- I don't know. I guess the stairs.

- Can you show me the stairs? - Yeah.

If you promise not to fix 'em.

- Hey, you guys hear that huge crash?

- Everybody's a critic.

- SAM: Hey. - Hey. Where have you been?

We got a ton of "iCarly" stuff to rehearse.

- Oh, I was just getting my homework done early.

- You were getting your homework done early?

For what class?

- The--you know, the one with the teacher...

...who says things.

- You can tell me if you were with Shane.

Remember, we're gonna be mature about this.

- Okay, I was with Shane. - Fine.

Where?

- He bought me a smoothie. - Oh, cool.

He bought me a smoothie last night.

- Oh, nice.

What size? - Medium.

- Aww. - That's all I wanted.

- Did he tell you that you have a cute nose?

- No.

- Interesting.

- Why? Did he tell you you have a cute nose?

- Oh, maybe. I don't remember. Yes.

- Did you feel his arm muscles?

- No. - Oh.

Well, they're large.

- You didn't feel his arm muscles.

- Yes, I did too,

he told me that he can beat his dad in arm wrestling

and I said, "No way," he said, "It's true."

And I said, "You must be really strong,"

he said, "I work out a little bit,"

I said, "Really?" and he said, "Yeah.

You wanna feel my biceps?" and I said, "Sure, I do."

And so I felt them and they felt awesome.

- I think that's great. - Good.

- But wouldn't it just be easier

if you wrote "I'm desperate" on your forehead?

- You take that back. - You take it back.

- Take what back? - Well, I don't know.

Just take it back. - Stop dating Shane.

- You stop. - No.

- I saw the boy first. - We saw him simultaneously.

- You're just jealous 'cause he said I had the cute nose.

- When he said that, did he also mention

that booger in it? - There's no booger in my nose.

- Well, I don't even care

'cause I have a date with Shane tonight.

- Obviously. - What's that supposed to mean?

- Why don't you ask your new helping bra?

- That's it! I'm out of here.

This is my house.

There's nothing wrong with a little help.

- ♪

- Hey. - Hi.

- I feel really bad about our fight.

- I do too.

- Brought you some makeup cookies. Try one.

- You try one first. - Okay.

I can't believe you think I'd poison the cookies.

- Well, with me out of the way, you'd have an all-access pass

to club Shane.

Mmm, really good. - Thanks.

- Hey, hey. I see cookies.

- Go for it. - Ooh, all right.

Mmm. Who made them? - Sam.

It's okay. She didn't put anything bad in them.

- Yeah, but when was the last time

Sam washed her hands?

- So, what are we gonna do about this whole Shane thing?

- I don't know.

- Well, I thought you guys decided you'd both date him.

- We did. - Not workin' out too well.

- Okay, so why don't you just let Sam date Shane

and you find someone else to date?

- Why?

- 'Cause I'm lonely and available.

- Hey, man. - Hey.

- We got an AV Club meeting. - Oh, right.

- Hey, Carly. Hey, Sam.

- Hi. - Hey.

- Let's go. - Whoa, whoa.

Uh, your hair looks a little weird

in the front here. - It looks fine.

- Uh, you made it worse. - No, I didn't.

- Yes, you did. - No, I didn't.

- See, it looked fine-- - --this way.

- Guys. Guys!

Come on, Shane. - I'll--I'll see you later.

- Okay. - Okay. Bye.

- Call me. - Text me.

Okay. Obviously, only one of us can date Shane

unless we wanna end up murdering each other.

- So, we flip a coin?

- Nah, I don't think we should decide this randomly.

- Then what? We let Shane pick? - Yes.

I got it. - Go.

- Whichever one of us Shane kisses first

gets to date him.

- Rules? - We can't kiss him.

He has to kiss one of us. - Terms of the kiss?

- It has to be lips to lips... - I enjoy lips to lips.

- ...and it has to last at least three seconds.

- Or longer. - Yes. Longer would be nice.

- ♪

- How long do you think it'll take

before the elevator's fixed?

- I don't know, three or four.

- Three or four what?

Days? Weeks? Months? - Yeah. Maybe five.

- Five what?

- Look, buddy, I'm just a dancer.

- You're not a dancer.

- Five, six, seven, eight.

Paa!

- I'm sorry.

- ♪

♪

- Not for nine billion dollars.

- Don't worry. I don't wanna kiss you.

But I do want you to win this Shane contest.

- You don't want me to win. You just want Carly to lose.

- That is--true.

'Cause if you're dating Shane,

that'll make Carly want a boyfriend.

Then, I get-- - Whoa, whoa.

Shh, shh. Here he comes. Go, go.

No. Go, go. - Okay, fine.

- Oh, hi, Shane. - Oh, hey, Sam.

A kissing booth? - Uh-huh.

- Yeah, what, uh, charity does the money go to?

- Oh, you know, that charity that helps old people

become less...irritating.

- Well, I'd love to help out.

You know, I left my wallet in my locker.

- Ah, Bobby, come here.

- What? - Loan Shane a dollar.

- Uh, o-okay. -

- Oh, hey, later, okay?

If I'm late to class again, Mr. Kaplan will kill me.

- But-- - I don't think I have a dollar.

What can I get with ¢50? - I'll spit on you.

- Deal. - Get out of here.

- ♪

-

- Shane! Come on in.

- Um, if we're gonna catch the movie,

we should go now before the-- - You know what?

Let's just blow off the movie and hang out here.

- Uh, sure. - Let's sit down on the couch.

- Okay. - Iced coffee?

- Thanks. - Use the coaster.

- Okay.

Uh, I don't see where-- - Oh, under the blue folder.

- Oh, there they are.

"A Chance for Romance," an original play by Carly Shay.

- Yeah. - I didn't know you write plays.

- Well, I do sometimes.

Anyway, um, I'm gonna perform this one in class,

but I can't find anyone to rehearse it with.

- Oh, well, uh, you know, I've been in a couple of plays.

- Okay. Oh, look, here's another copy.

Page nine. You start. - Okay.

Mabel, you look so beautiful in the moonlight.

- Oh, Bruno, thanks. You rock for saying that.

- Mabel, I love you.

- I love you, too, but our parents,

they'll never let us be together.

- I know, but still, we have this moment.

Here, now.

- But what if someone should see us?

- Shh, shh, shh.

You talk too much.

It says that Bruno kisses Mabel passionately

for at least three seconds.

- Oh, yeah. Look at that. It sure does.

- I don't know if it's okay-- - Oh, this is acting.

We're being actors right now,

and a good actor always follows the script, right?

Here, I'll take it from--

But what if someone should see us?

- Okay.

Shh, shh, shh. You talk too much.

- Hey, look! - What?

- I made toast by leaving a piece of bread in the sun

next to a mirror and some tin foil.

- No way! - Yeah, come look.

I'll show you my rig. - Cool.

- ♪

- Here he comes.

Sam!

Oh man, she's unconscious. - Hey, what's wrong with Sam?

- I don't think she's breathing,

but I don't know what to do, you better take over.

Come on, you know how to do mouth-to-mouth resuscitation.

- Yeah. I was certified in CPR last year.

- Well, get to it, man. - Okay, okay.

- WOMAN: Out of my way! Give me some room! Move!

- Wait. I'm feeling better. - Just hold still!

- I'm fine, all right?

- I'm gonna report you to the principal

for impersonating a sick person.

What is your name? - Rebecca Berkowitz!

I'll text you later.

- ♪

- I'm back. - The electricity still out?

- Uh, yeah. Here, have a strawberry.

- Thanks.

- So, where were we? - Uh, can we take a break?

I can't really see my book in this light.

- Sure. That's a great idea.

You're full of great ideas.

-

- How is the stereo working? - What do you mean?

- You said the electricity was out.

- Oh, right.

Well, I guess some of it came back on.

- But if the stereo-- - Ow, ow, ow!

- SHANE: What-- - There's something in my eye.

- Oh. - Uh, can you see anything?

There might be an eyelash in there.

Uh, look in my eye.

- It's hard to see in this light.

- Oh, then I'll get closer. Um, see anything weird?

- Uh, no. But-- - But what?

- But you have a really pretty eye.

- Yeah? You think so?

- Uh-huh.

- What up? What up? What up?

Wow, it's so dark in here.

- Uh, foul! - What foul?

- You intentionally sabotaged my moment.

- How could I intentionally sabotage--

- Shane was totally about to kiss me.

- Really? - Girls--

- You know what you did?

- No, I know what the deal was.

- This isn't fair. It's not fair. You sabotaged me.

- Girls!

I don't know what's up with you two,

but I've had enough of it!

I've seen girls get competitive

over a guy before, but you two are out of control.

- Wait, Shane-- - You girls call me

when you learn to be a little more--

-

- ♪

- He looks so...broken. - Poor Shane.

- He'll be all right.

- How long before he's up and around?

- Hard to say.

It could be three, four.

- Days?

- Weeks? - Maybe five.

- NURSE: Dr. Lindy, 03. - I gotta get that.

Don't stay too long. - NURSE: Dr. Lindy, pick up 03.

- Let's never compete over a guy ever again.

- Never. - Good.

- Well, come on, the hospital cafeteria

has turkey fingers. - I'm up for food.

- Surprise, surprise.

- ♪

- I win.

- ♪

- Okay. I can't brush my teeth like this.

- Why not? - It's too quiet.

- ♪ My baby ♪

♪ Summer love isn't meant to be ♪

♪ And it's only a fantasy ♪

♪ That's what everyone's tellin' me ♪

♪ Stay, my baby. Stay, my baby ♪

♪ Even though it's a little rushed ♪

- - MAN: Mmm!

-