All language subtitles for Revenge.Of.The.Pink.Panther.1978e

So he wants to cut it off
just like that?

He doesn't think
you can handle it.

The arrangements
have been concluded.

I gave them my word
because he gave me his word.

So you tell me why.

You know why.

You're not strong anymore.

You lost control.

You tell him this.
Nothing has changed.

We've had a few setbacks.
That's to be expected in any business.

But I am still in charge,
and I am still strong!

Make no mistake.

You tell him
he had better keep his word.

Tell him the 25th as agreed.

I'll send him a sign,
a little demonstration...

to prove that I'm still strong.

- Good afternoon, Mr. Douvier.
- Good afternoon, Simone.

- Any calls?
- On your desk.

What's this "Dr. Herb called"?

That's your yearly checkup,
Tuesday at 4:30.

Okay. Is New York
going to call back?

Between 5:00 and 6:00.

Good.
Everybody else here?

Yes. In the boardroom.

I don't think we should
keep them waiting any longer.

- Will I see you tonight?
- Of course, Miss Legree.

Gentlemen, we have a problem.

The Gannet transaction
is in jeopardy

because New York seems to feel
I no longer have

the power
to control the situation.

So I have sent word

that I will give them
a demonstration, a sign,

to show that I am still in control,

that France is still
a viable territory.

What I want from you
are suggestions.

I have an idea.

All right.

Would you ask your secretary
to bring in the morning paper?

- Would you bring in the paper?
- Right away, sir.

Who is the most important man
in France today?

Present company excluded,
of course.

Thank you.

- The president, I suppose.
- For our purpose.

A man New York knows even better
than the president of France.

A man with which our entire
world organization is familiar,

and would like nothing better
than to see him out of the way.

Who?

Who has given us nothing
but trouble for the past ten years?

Who has survived
16 assassination attempts...

...including two by his own boss?

Clouseau.

You want to impress New York?

Eliminate Clouseau.

We'll have every cop in France
down on our necks.

Not if we do it smart.

There is a rumor that
he is really a complete imbecile.

I've heard that.

Yet he continues to survive.

I have it on good authority
that he is anything but an imbecile,

that he only plays the fool.

In any case, it is too dangerous.

Can you do it smart?

Yes.

Then do it.

Balls?

Inspector Clouseau!
My dear Chief Inspector Clouseau!

How we have missed you!
How we have missed you!

Your disguise is ready for
the final fitting. You'll be very pleased.

Cunny! Quick! Quick!
Inspector Clouseau is here!

I noticed you have
some very interesting new noses.

I will model them for you.
Cunny, get on with it!

I will bring you one right away.

- There were some on the left.
- Yes, yes.

The final fitting.

I call this one "Wino and Roses."

Magnificent.
Even though I say so myself.

This is no small feat.

Now you can work the Left Bank
and Montmartre with anonymity.

Yes. The old anonymity ploy.

That's it!
You can do it, Inspector!

Chief Inspector.

You can walk, Chief Inspector.
You can walk!

Yes! Yes!

You are a genius, Balls.

I can! I can walk!

Thank heavens

for little girls

They keep on
getting smaller every day

Yes?

A special delivery.

Thank you.

I'm sorry. I'm a little short.

Forget it.

Special delivery. A bomb.

Were you expecting one?

A bomb?

Yes?

What?

Right.

What's the matter?

The bomb destroyed half the block,
and Clouseau survived.

I am certain, sir,
that the "beumb"was intended for me.

- "Beumb"?
- What?

- You said "beumb."
- Yes, yes.

Fortunately, Professor Balls

took refuge behind a new shipment
of inflatable goiters,

which cushioned the force
of the explosion.

Inflatable goiters?

Yes. His Valentine's Day collection.

It's amazing that you survived.

Yes, yes.

I must apprehend
this mad bomber

before he does any more
of the damage in here.

Or she.

- "Or she"?
- A man dressed as a woman.

"Four armed robberies
in three weeks.

"Two of the victims were assaulted
and grappled with the robber.

"Both victims felt the robber was
much too strong to be a woman.

"Three years ago, we sent to prison
a man named Claude Russo.

Russo committed robberies
disguised as a woman."

Well, sir, I must be off
to apprehend this mad bomber now.

Remember, it just could be Russo.

Yes, it just could be Russo. Yes.

- Yes. I just said that.
- Yes, I know that. Yes, sir.

Well, sir, until we meet again
and the case is solved.

Au revoir, Hercule.

Fire!

You may not have seen
these gentlemen before,

but they have at one time
or another worked for you.

And needless to say,
they are specialists,

the best in France.

And you expect them
to take care of Clouseau?

Oh, no. They've been contracted
to eliminate Mr. Chong.

Who is Mr. Chong?

Mr. Chong was recommended
by Hong Kong.

Gentlemen, fulfill your contracts.

Get out of those wet clothes.
You could catch pneumonia.

Yes, I know that.

I will as soon as I get home,

provided that idiot Cato
does not attack me first.

Why don't you tell him not to?

Believe me, it's not that easy.

I have given him instructions
to attack me whenever possible.

It has now become a matter
of pride with him

to try to outsmart me.

I guarantee
that at this very minute,

his fiendish yellow brain
is plotting some new ambush.

Gesundheit.

Yes, I know that.

Cato?

Pay attention!
This is your employer speaking.

I am canceling
the attack orders for tonight.

Do you understand?

I know that I told you
to show no mercy

and to attack and to pay
no attention to what I say.

But tonight...

But tonight...

I am ordering you
to pay attention!

You will not attack, Cato!

Shut up that row!

I am trying
to save my life, madam.

Obviously the little yellow swine
is not paying attention.

It's a very substantial building,
but we're doing a great deal to it.

I'm sure when it's finished,
you'll find it peaceful and delightful.

Swine!

Chief Inspector Clouseau's residence.

One moment, please.

For you.

What on earth is going on?

Excuse me,
madame and messieurs.

I beg your pardon.
I am so sorry.

It's still for you, Inspector.

Chief Inspector.

Pardon me.
I am needed on the phone.

Hello?

This is Chief Inspector Clouseau
speaking on the phone.

Listen to me carefully.

If you want to catch
the French connection,

meet me tonight at 11:00

in the Bois de Bologne
near the Grande Cascade.

And come alone.

That's so obvious,
he's bound to think it's a trap.

Yes, or it's so obvious that
he's bound to think it can't be a trap.

It's so obvious,
it's bound to be a trap.

That is why you will never be
a great detective.

It's so obvious,
it could not possibly be a trap.

Now, Cato,
warm up the Silver Hornet.

I very much suspect that the Hornet
is overdue for a service,

so if you don't mind,
I'll use your car tonight.

He's driving a white Peugeot.
License number is...

By any chance,
are you going to Fontainebleau?

Well...

Wonderful!

How lucky can a girl get?

You're an absolute darling.

It's green.

It is?

The traffic light.

Generally speaking, it's dangerous
for a beautiful girl like you

to be hitchhiking at night.

I know. That's because,
generally speaking,

beautiful girls like me
don't carry guns.

Yes, yes.

Are you saying
that you carry a gun?

I've got it in here somewhere.
It's not very big.

Watch it. It might go off.

Only if you don't do
exactly what I say.

- Listen, Miss...
- Russo.

But you can call me Claude.

Pull off the road.

The old
"pull off the road" ploy, huh?

Yes. Then we will see
how you do

with the old
"take off your clothes" ploy.

And if you don't want
to freeze to death, put on the dress.

Never!

Suit yourself.
But the dress is an original Dior,

and you've got sensational legs.

Yes?

Good. Thank you.

Why don't you just take that
off the hook?

Won't be necessary.

The great Inspector Clouseau
will not be bothering us anymore.

Hello, boys!

Am I glad to see you!

And we are certainly glad
to see you.

Wait a moment!
You know me.

I'm Chief Inspector Clouseau
of the Sûreté.

And I am officer Bardot.

But you can call me Brigitte.

Listen, Brigitte, you are making
an understandable mistake!

Don't let my legs fool you.
I'm really a man. Listen!

The palace flag is lowered
to half-mast.

The president has declared a day
of national mourning.

Only a few hours ago,

the great detective stood
in this very courtyard

and was decorated
by the president

for outstanding service
to his country.

According to the coroner's report,

chief Inspector clouseau
was probably dead

before his car
hit the telephone pole

and burst into flames.

The president called me
at 6:00 this morning.

A dozen countries have offered
the services of their finest detectives,

but the president
made it painfully clear

that this must be solved
by Frenchmen, and quickly...

or we can all hand in
our resignations.

I spoke with Dr. Laprone
at the hospital,

and he assures me that Dreyfus
is completely cured.

It's amazing.

I've seen some lunatics
in my time,

but they were all pikers
compared with Dreyfus.

He was like a wild animal!

Didn't he actually bite you?

Oh, yes. On the leg.

I had to take rabies shots
just in case.

The doctor swears
that his recovery is complete.

He said that
in the last 12 hours,

Dreyfus has literally
become a new man.

Thank God for that
because we need him.

If anyone knows about Clouseau
and who might have murdered him,

that man is former
Chief Inspector Charles Dreyfus.

Isn't it fantastic, Doctor?

Reinstated at my former rank
with no loss of pay or social benefits.

Yes. It could actually be called
a psychic rebirth.

I am in your debt.
I shall be eternally grateful.

I only helped.
I led the way.

But in the final analysis,
it was yourvictory, Charles.

Ourvictory, Paul.

But only at the expense of another.

Clouseau, you mean.

It could be said that he died
so that you might live.

I wish I could feel sorry.

You feel no guilt?

None.

To be honest,
when I first heard he was dead,

there were a few moments

when I was actually convinced
I was in a state of grace.

Is that wrong?

It isn't a matter of right or wrong.

Look, I hated him.

He literally drove me
out of my mind, as you know.

Isn't it natural that
I should feel happiness, even joy,

at the thought of him being dead,
out of the way and gone forever?

Natural, yes.

But there is a danger that
such feelings might promote guilt.

Clouseau could come back
and haunt you.

- I have no guilt.
- Not now.

Not ever. Clouseau is gone,
and I am free forever.

Now, have a cigar.

Thank you, Charles.

I've made the necessary
arrangements for your release.

The Sûreté is sending a car
for you to be picked up at 5:30.

Remember, you're on probation
for 12 months.

If you have any problems,
call on me immediately.

Thank you, Paul.

Listen to me, officer.
You are making a serious mistake.

Unless you release me immediately,
I will personally see to it

you are
transferred to Martinique,

where you will spend your career

writing traffic citations
and checking parking meters.

The man who was killed in that car,
my car... Cato's car... was not me.

He was wearing my clothes, yes.
These are his clothes!

I am
Chief Inspector Jacques Clouseau.

Miss or Missus?

You fool! The president himself
when he decorated me said,

"Clouseau,
you are a man of courage."

He called me the greatest detective
in all of France.

Charlatan! Impostor!

All right, calm down, Mr. Poirot.

Poirot?

Yes. Yes.
But you can call me Hercule.

And I am the greatest detective
in all of France,

the greatest in all the world.

That man is obviously crazy.

We do not use
that word around here.

What do you normally use
around here?

Now, now.

He is very "now-now,"
I can tell you that.

Court order.

I shall need your signature
on the transfer document.

Ninety days comprehensive.
Thank you.

Psychiatric examination.

Peek-a-boo.

Your car's
at the entrance, Inspector.

Good-bye,
Chief Inspector Dreyfus.

Good evening,
Chief Inspector Dreyfus.

Good evening, Francois.

It's good to have you
back on the job, Chief Inspector.

Is it true you will personally
take charge of the investigation?

Yes.

You must feel torn.
On the one hand, it is your duty

to send the guilty parties
to the guillotine for killing Clouseau.

On the other hand...

I'm sure you'd rather
congratulate them, eh?

Can you imagine,
a state funeral for that idiot?

The president, dignitaries from
all over the world will be coming.

Why, there's a rumor
the pope might even show up.

Peup?

"Peup"?

What?

You said "peup."
Do you have a cold?

Yes, yes. I have the cold
in the chest, you know.

You sound terrible. Do you
want me to send you a doctor?

No, no.
It's much better than it sounds.

Anyway, I want to go directly
to the Clouseau apartments

to commence the search
for the clues.

Yes, sir.

This is the Clouseau residence?

Yes.

This is also the residence

of the Clouseau manservant
Cato Fong?

Yes.

Then be so good as to tell him

that I wish
to have speaks with him.

Who should I say "wish to
have speaks"with Mr. Fong?

Tell him it is an old friend.

Mr. Fong has many old friends.

Listen, you, tell him
it is Chief Inspector...

Clouseau.

Why didn't you say so
in the first place?

Please come in.

Good evening,

and congratulations!

You are our first Caucasian,

and that entitles you
to a 10% discount until midnight.

- Who are you?
- Mrs. Wu. But call me Madam.

- Yes?
- Inspector Clouseau.

Please come in.

- Welcome.
- Good evening.

Please make yourself at home.

That man just called himself
Inspector Clouseau.

It was Mr. Fong's idea,

but personally I think
we should have a better password.

Password?

I demand to know
exactly what is going on in here.

Just about anything
your little heart desires.

But first,
why don't you relax?

Give Benson your hat and coat,

have a drink,
get to know the girls,

and then when you are up to it,

you can choose from a wide variety
of exciting little diversions.

But I see that you
already have a preference.

Allow me to introduce Tanya,
the lotus eater.

What else does she do?

I warn you,
Tanya the Easter Lotus,

I am opposed
to the women's libs.

Man is the master,
and women's place is in the home.

And another round-eye
bites the dust.

Cato!

Take your hands off me,
you oriental fool!

You are under arrest.

Anything you say
will be taken down...

Arrest? Arrest?

You have the right to remain silent,
but let me tell you this.

I am not your ordinary
run-of-the-mill transvestite.

Say no more!

What was that about arresting us?

He was kidding,
weren't you, boss?

Boss?!

I used to work for him.
He used to be a cop.

A cop?

Tell them you were kidding, boss.

Yes, he is right.
I was just kidding.

Cross my heart and...

...hope to meet you
again sometime.

And you, madame.

And you, too.

You two should be
ashamed of yourselves.

And you!
I want to talk to you!

You come in here!
Listen, now.

Please, boss!

I thought you were dead.

So, as a tribute to my memory,
you open up this...

...this Chinese nooky factory!

I had to do something
to keep busy.

Besides, a first-rate joint like this

can make as much
as 400,000 a year!

- Is that net?
- No, gross.

Even so, a smart operator

can clear himself
a couple hundred grand.

That ain't exactly chicken feed.

And ten years on Devil's Island

ain't exactly
the chicken's feet either,

my greedy little yellow pimp.

I'll have to close up anyway
now that you're alive.

Yes, yes.

Normally, that is precisely
what you would have to do.

But these are not normal times.

Someone has just tried to kill me.

That's normal.

But this time, that someone
thinks he has succeeded.

Except for you and me,
the whole world believes I am dead.

And in this case,
death has its advantages.

No one will know it is me

as I glide through the underworld
like a shadow.

- Good evening, Commissioner.
- Charles!

Thank you.

I'm sorry to be late,
but as you must have heard,

some lunatic
was hiding in my closet.

Yes. Russo.

Russo?

You remember.

Why wouldn't I remember?
It was only three years ago.

Of course. Claude Russo,
alias Claudine Russo.

Armed robbery
dressed as a woman.

But he got five years.

He was released on parole
three months ago.

So it could have been Russo.

He is clever.

Clever enough to fool Francois?

I like Francois,

but fooling him
no longer constitutes

an act of more than
average cleverness, shall we say?

I always thought
he was rather a good policeman.

When he was my assistant,
he was a very good policeman

with a bright future.

But then he was
assigned to Clouseau.

Now, Charles.

- All that's in the past.
- Yes, of course.

Tomorrow morning

when they plant him six feet deep
and shovel in the dirt...

...I shall be truly free.

Unless he's figured out a way
to come back from the dead,

nothing that anyone does
or says about him

will ever
make any difference again.

- Shall we do some work?
- That reminds me.

What is it?

The chief thinks that
you should give the eulogy.

- The what?
- The tribute.

Me?

- You knew him intimately.
- I hated him intimately.

But you're the expert who's going
to track down his murderers.

I'm the expert who would love
to kiss his murderers!

Don't you understand?

The P.R. People loved the angle.

Sacrilege! I won't do it.

Politics.

No. I'm a good Catholic.

- So is the chief's wife.
- I don't care.

- What's she got to do with it?
- She wrote the speech.

Ladies and gentlemen...

honored guests...

...dear friends...

...we are gathered here

to say good-bye to a, uh...

...a great man.

Not only was he
a model police officer...

...a brilliant detective...

...admired and respected
by his fellow officers

and all those
who were fortunate enough...

...enough...

...enough to know him...

...he was above all else...

...a modest man.

His kind
will not pass this way again,

and our loss is surely...

...heaven's gain.

Present arms!

Fire!

- Get rid of that woman.
- We'll talk about it later.

I want your answer now
or I sue for divorce.

- I'm warning you.
- Are you going to have me killed?

Gentlemen.

You will be relieved to know
that our friend in New York

was very impressed
by our little demonstration.

It was a good idea, Guy.

The Gannet transaction
is on again.

The same delivery date?

Unless something is happening
I don't know about.

I spoke to Hong Kong.
They say the Gannet's on schedule.

Good. That means
that this time next week

we can declare ourselves
a very healthy dividend,

letting our international colleagues
know that the French connection

is back in business.

I'll be at the farm.

I do not want to be contacted
except in extreme emergency.

Meeting adjourned.

Stick around.
I might need you.

Right.

Miss Legree, would you come in
for a moment, please?

What's wrong with you?

- We have to stop seeing each other.
- Your wife?

That witch!
How long this time?

I'm afraid permanently.

Permanently?

- Permanently?
- Yes.

She gave me an ultimatum.

Like you don't have
any choice in this matter!

- I haven't.
- You have too! Get rid of her!

- My own wife?
- Why can't you do that?

She's got enough evidence
in her safety deposit box to ruin me.

Her attorney has been told
that if anything happens to her

to take the contents
of the box to the authorities.

- Then get rid of the authorities!
- What do you think I am?

Then get rid of her attorney!

I couldn't afford the scandal!

I'll show you a scandal!

You know I don't love her.
I need her respectability.

- Permanently?
- Yes!

Six years together, just washed up?
Just over with?

- I'm afraid so. I'm sorry.
- That's just wonderful, isn't it?

You obviously can't go on
being my secretary.

I have deposited a substantial amount
of money in your bank account...

- I don't want your money.
- What do you want?

I don't know what I want.

But I'll think of something!

Leaving early?

Later than you think, Mr. Algo.

Something you want me to do?

Not unless she decides
to be indiscreet.

If you have to, be sure
you make it look like an accident.

Ahoy, the skipper!

Hello, out there in the fog.

Don't worry.

It's only an old
salty Swedish sea dog

out there from the salty seas,
you know.

Pumpin' the air in the parrot.

Naughty bird afraid of the fog.

Swine leg.

Hello, Inspector.

Chief Inspector.

I'm working under the covers.
No one must suspect a thing.

What do you have
of special interest

to my secret investigations?

There's something big going down
at Le Club Foot.

Le Club Foot? Remarkable.

Keep your...

Keep your eyes and ears peeled.

Keep in constant contact.

I am extremely grateful
for this excellent piece of information.

Thar she blows!

Once again, I thank you
for this most useful tip.

And if there is anything
I can ever do to repay you...

Now that you mention it,
Chief Inspector.

Sixteen chests
on a dead man's rum.

Yo ho ho in the bottle
of the chest.

Drink to the devils
and some for the rum.

Do it some more.

Yeah, give me some more.

All right.

Come on, yeah.
Slide it.

Move 'em out

Move 'em out

If you mess around
with women, boy

You wanna fix the trimmin'

Move 'em out

Move 'em out

Better listen to me, cousin...

She's coming in now.

- Bonsoir, Vic.
- How you doing, Simone?

Mr. Toledo, Mr. Vancouver.

What's happening?

You can show us to my usual table.

How about something near the floor?
Easier for dancing.

No, thank you.
I want my usual table.

Is something wrong?

It is Mr. Douvier's table,
ain't it, love?

No, it really ain't, love, but if
you're worried about Mr. Douvier,

why don't you give him a call?

I wouldn't want you to get
in trouble with your boss.

- He ain't my boss.
- He ain't?

Then why you paying him
all that money every month?

That ain't cool, baby.

You ain't seen nothin'yet.
Come on, love.

Where are we going?

We don't want to be obvious.

We're going to make our entry
through the back way

in disguise,
as I told you, you fool.

Hey, chief.

Get up here.

- It's a bakery.
- I know that.

Come on. At least
you're not yellow anymore.

This time I'm going to stand
on your shoulders.

What good would that do?

Because I'm taller
than you are, you fool.

Make a cradle.

Get rid of that.

I can't reach it.

You'll have to find something
to stand on.

All right! Let me see some, baby.
Come on.

Do it, baby.

Let me go!

- Can you reach it?
- Yes.

Merde!

- Hey, are you okay?
- No.

You know something?
You're terrific!

You saved my life.
Come with me.

- Where?
- Over here. I want to save your life.

- Let's go. Come on.
- Oh, God.

Come with me
before the killers see us.

What killers?

I'll tell you when we get
to my apartment.

- What apartment?
- My apartment.

Oh, my God!

Mine, too.

I'm soaked to the skin.

Yes, I have received
considerable soak also.

Get out of those wet clothes before
you catch your death of pneumonia.

Yes. What shall I do with my coat?
I don't want to spoil your beautiful...

Just put it down any where.
Put it on the floor. That's fine.

Help yourself.

I'm going to change.
I'll bring you a robe.

I'm gonna put on some music.

- You know, it's strange.
- What?

I say, it's strange.

Yes, I know.
And I said, "What?"

- You mean, what is strange?
- Yes.

It's strange that I have never yet
set foot in this building,

but I have the distinct impression
that I have been here before.

It's déjà vu.
I have it all the time.

Yeah, déjà vu.
Thank you.

You're welcome.

- You okay?
- Yes.

That feels good.

It's not going to do you much good
if you don't take your pants off.

- What?
- Take your pants off.

Forgot about those.

Look at me.

Look.
I'm shaking like a leaf.

I can't stop shaking.
I know what it is.

You know what it is?
I'm just not used to being killed.

- That's my first time, you know?
- I know, but listen.

When you have been killed
as many times as I have,

you get used to it.

- Really?
- Yes, oh, yes.

Yes, indeed. I'll put this here.

- Cheers.
- Cheers.

- This is for you.
- Yes, of course.

- Then this must be yours.
- Thank you. Cheers.

Yes. Anyway...

- You have nothing to fear.
- Yes, I have.

- No, you don't.
- Yes, I have.

No. You see,
I am an officer of the "lauw."

- The "lauw"?
- What?

You said you are
an officer of the "lauw"?

That is correct. Yes, yes.
I am Chief Inspector of the Sûreté.

What?

You doubt me.

No, I don't doubt you.
Why should I doubt you?

- That's right. Why should you?
- If you say so, I don't.

Who were those two men
who tried to kill you?

- Killers.
- How do you know?

- Because they work for Douvier.
- Douvier? I know that name.

Everyone in France knows that name.
He's a millionaire businessman.

Yes, of course.
Douvier the millionaire businessman.

I knew I knew.

But how many people
do you think know

that Douvier
the millionaire businessman

is also Douvier
the French connection?

How many?

I suppose his mother, for one.

Why do you suppose
he wanted to have me killed?

Elementary.
He wanted you dead.

- You all right?
- I got singed.

- I'm sorry about your robe.
- That's all right.

Tell me about this Douvier.

I was his mistress
and private secretary for two years.

I know enough about Philippe
to send him to prison for his whole life.

You keep talking about this Douvier.

But who is Philippe?

- Philippe Douvier.
- His son?

Whose son? He has no son.

- His brother, then?
- His brother's name is Fred.

- Then it has to be his father.
- His father's dead.

Now we're getting somewhere.
Who killed him?

- No one. He died of natural causes.
- Then who is this Philippe?

I want to see some identification.
Right now.

Right now.
I want to see some identification.

If you're not a policeman, then I
shouldn't be telling you these things.

- Can you keep a secret?
- I don't know. That depends.

Brace yourself
for what I am about to tell you.

I am none other...

...than Chief Inspector
Jacques Clouseau.

No, you're not.

- Yes, I am.
- No, you're not.

I am.

You're not.

Yes, you are.

Oh, my God!

I admit it's not
a good photograph, but...

But I saw your funeral on television.

Yes. Yes.

- Even the pope was there.
- Cheers.

But if you're not dead,
who's dead?

Awandering transvestite
took my car

and stole my clothes at gunpoint.

I have been working
under the covers tracking the killer.

- The killer's Douvier!
- What?

He wanted to impress
the godfather.

What? You mean Douvier
killed a wandering transvestite

just to impress his godfather?

The man's unthinkable.

The door.

- What's wrong with it?
- I saw the knob turn.

Hurry.

- I wonder whose apartment this is.
- I don't know.

The other one's probably upstairs
waiting in my room.

How do you know
there's another one?

Because assassins always travel
in pairs. It's a company rule.

Do you know what
the Gannet transaction is?

The Gannet transaction?
What is that?

It's a code name
for a 50-million-franc heroin sale.

50 million francs?

Philippe's going to Hong Kong Tuesday
to meet with the American buyer.

Hong Kong.

I don't know how it fits in,
but the Gannet is a boat.

What are you doing?

Now I know why
this place looks so familiar.

Chief Inspector Dreyfus lives here.

I think he has received a faint.

Wake up, Chief Inspector.
Wake up.

Chief Inspector?

Hello? Are you in there,
Chief Inspector?

Hello?

There's no reply.
It's no use.

We will have to go
to Hong Kong without him.

- We?
- Yes.

You, I, and Cato,
who will translate for us.

Not me.
I am not going to Hong Kong.

Are you kidding?
Douvier would shoot me on sight.

Not if he doesn't recognize you.
And he won't.

Why not?

We will leave that
up to the great Balls.

The great Balls?

At your service!

Please forgive the condition
of my establishment,

- but as the Inspector knows...
- Chief.

- Chief Inspector knows...
- Auguste.

So sorry.
I beg your pardon.

But as the Chief Inspector knows,
we were bombed.

Sounds like you still are.

Almost all my collection
was either destroyed or damaged.

Starting Monday,
I have to have a fire sale.

You could call it
"The Great Balls of Fire" sale.

A catchy suggestion.

Very good.

Cunny!

I can't tell you how good it is
to see that you are still alive.

It has been my privilege
to serve the good Inspector...

the Chief Inspector...
for these many years.

Thirteen, to be precise.

And his reported demise
was a real blow to me.

Something's coming.

Yes, Cunny, you are not dreaming.

Our friend, our customer,
is alive!

Hello, Cunny.

Now, how can I serve you?

Through wind and mud,
snow and hail,

whether long or short,
dark or pale,

remember that when duty calls,

you've got Balls.

I gotta sit down.

Yes, of course.
Cunny! Quick.

Please, please, please.

Come along. That's right.
There you are.

Sit. Come, come, come.
Sit, sit.

You're not serious.

There has been no time
to get new furniture.

Believe me, since the blast,
he's much more comfortable.

Please sit.

Matter of fact,
I've been sleeping on him.

Chief Inspector?

I'm leaving for Hong Kong
first thing in the morning.

Hong Kong?

Do you think you could pick me up
some cheap coolie hats?

My dear Auguste, I need
your best Hong Kong disguise.

Also, I will need something
extra special in the godfather line.

Doctor, please, you must help me.

Is Clouseau real,

or am I going mad again?

- What do you think?
- What do I think? What can I think?

If that nincompoop is really alive
and the things I heard are true,

he'll probably be decorated again

for rounding up
the biggest drug ring in France,

and I'll be a laughing stock.

That sounds reasonable.
What are you going to do?

What choice do I have?

I either commit myself

and come back
to be locked up in here...

...or...

...I go to Hong Kong.

- I don't think I can do this.
- Of course you can.

Just think yellow and follow me.

"Mr. And Mrs. Low Key."

You stupid lunk! What the hell
do you think you're doing?

Absolutely ruined my suit!

Why the hell don't you look
where you're going?

I'm Mr. Algo.

When Mr. Scallini arrives,
have me paged in the bar.

Certainly, Mr. Algo.

Who is gonna pay for my suit?

See that man there?

That's Guy Algo,
Philippe's right-hand man.

This Scallini must be
Mr. Big from New York.

Listen, we'll go up to the room.

You stay here ten minutes,
then tell Mister...

- Algo.
- Right, yes. Algo.

That Mr. You-Know-Who has arrived,
and bring him to the room.

- Mr. You-Know-Who?
- Right. I will be Mr. You-Know-Who.

Come, Ming Loy.

You got a reservation for Scallini?

Page Mr. Algo in the bar.
Tell him Mr. Scallini is here.

- What do you think you're doing?
- Mr. Scallini in lobby.

Cochon.

No, no. Fongu.

You heard what I said to him?
Dumb Frenchman.

"Cochon."

That means "pig."

I tell Mr. Scallini you're here.

- Listen, boss...
- It's not boss. It's me!

Where is he?

In the bathroom getting into
his godfather disguise.

Algo's in the next room.
Scallini's down the hall in the Tang suite.

- Marvelous.
- We rode up in the same elevator.

Maybe I can reach him
before he contacts Philippe.

What are you going to do?

I'm not sure,
but keep your eye on Algo.

- Ice?
- Please.

- Soda?
- Yes.

I hope it's not too strong.

I'm sure it will be fine.

Hey! Mamma mia.

Spaghettini du Al Pacino!

Carlo Cato and me
got a little business to talk over.

We won't be long.
Have another drink.

Viva zapata!

- Where is she?
- I don't know.

Get out...

Hello, Mr. Marchione.

- Hey. Come on in.
- Thank you.

- Thank you very much.
- Can I get you a drink?

No, nothing, thank you.

It's Simone.

You have a good memory.

I never forget a pretty face.

Boss, this is Simone.
That's Douvier's personal...

Secretary.
How do you do, Mr. Scallini?

We never met before.
If we meet before, you call me Julio.

That's a nice hand.

Thank you.
That's only the right one.

- You type, too.
- 100 words a minute.

I may faint.

Mr. Douvier asked me to apologize.
He's going to be a little late.

If you like, I'd be happy to
keep you company until he arrives.

If I like?
Does my mother cook spaghetti?

To the Gannet transaction.

Shall I tell Douvier
we're on our way?

Don't forget the money.

What?

Throat! Back!

Choking!

You want me
to hit you on the back.

We're on our way.

Mr. Douvier
will meet us in the lobby.

Yeah. Great.

- Is that it?
- Yeah.

50 million francs
and no bodyguard?

Listen, buddy,

I take care of my body,
my body takes care of me.

You know what I'm driving at?

I'll buy you some cigarettes, huh?

Yeah, smoke a few.

When Douvier shows,
I'll meet you in the lobby.

Right.

Be right with you.

What the hell is going on here?

Lee Kee shipyards.

- Where'd he go?
- I think to Lee Kee shipyards.

You see this?

I can tell by your heart line
you're a passionate man.

See how long this is?

Keep watching.
It's going to get longer.

- Hello.
- Lee Kee shipyards. Douvier.

It was Douvier!

The doorman heard him
tell the driver

to go to the Lee Kee shipyard.

Something is cucuzza
around here.

Your boss and a couple boys
just left the hotel.

Really?
I wonder why they did that.

You got me.
Why don't we go ask him?

Yes. Okay, I understand.

Douvier left the hotel
about five minutes ago.

He was with two men.

He told the driver
to go to the Lee Kee shipyard.

I'm sure it was that nincompoop.

I'm sure Mr. Douvier didn't intend
to be gone very long.

- We'll see.
- It doesn't make much sense.

If you leave,
and then he comes back...

Stop worrying.
You'll give yourself wrinkles.

What about this Lee Kee shipyard?

Perfectly legitimate,
as far as I know.

They build a line of expensive
power cruisers and sailboats.

Maybe Mr. Douvier
is just buying himself a yacht.

Lee Kee shipyards?

Yeah, that's what
the come si chiame said.

Come si chiame!
Lee Kee!

Move it!

Come along!

This is Mr. Chow,
our Far Eastern representative.

- Mr. Scallini.
- It's an honor to meet you.

You remember Mr. Algo.
Shall we go?

This way, please.

After you launch the boat,
we'll go to Mr. Chow's office.

You can sign the ownership papers.
Everything legal and aboveboard.

Above the board. Good, good.

- Where is it? You know...
- I understood you were told.

No, I was told,
but I'm checking, you know.

- In the keel.
- The old keel ploy. Yes.

All you have to do is sail her
around the Caribbean for a while,

haul her out of the water,
take the midsection out of the keel,

and voilà...40 kilos
of the finest merchandise

your experts have ever tested.

I'll tell you, it better had be
the best merchandise,

'cause my experts
certainly have tested some.

- We have faith in our merchandise.
- That's good.

All right. Now, would you like
to launch her?

I would be delighted.

September.
A good month for the vintage.

Congratulations!

He must be a cop!
Get him! Get him!

Hey, boss!

Look out, you oriental idiot!

What do you think you're doing?

Jesus Christ!

You crumb!

Get back here, you slob!

It's me!

I know!

Wait!

Hey, cancel the artillery!

I don't care!
Get out of my way!

- Al, where are you?
- How do I know?

Wherever you are,
this is Chief Inspector Clouseau.

I am warning you
that if you are not careful,

I will arrest you all
in the name of the law.

You and your bright ideas.
Let me get my hands on you.

Clouseau?

Yes?

- Are you wounded?
- No.

Fortunately I was saved
by the darkness.

So what we need is more light.

Look what you did to my shoes!
I'll kill you!

...all the time!
I won't cut it out!

Hello, Philippe.

Simone, what the hell
are you doing here?

I'm waiting for
the firecrackers to go off.

- What firecrackers?
- The ones I stuck in your pants.

Hello.
I'm sorry I'm late.

I had important police business
to attend to, you know.

- Everything's all right?
- Yes, absolutely fine.

Allow me to let you in the car.

Please.

- It's beautiful.
- It's rather neat, isn't it?

I call it the Silver Hornet.

Yes. Service.

It's a little overdue
for a service, unfortunately.

Perhaps it's better
to leave that there.

It's a beautiful night.
Why don't we walk?

What an excellent idea.

- I'm sorry about that.
- It's quite all right.

You look ravishing tonight.

- Yes, I know that.
- You know that?

I knew that you knew that.

You did? I knew
you knew I knew that.

What made you decide
to become a detective?

It's not something one decides
every day of the week, you know.

But in my case,
it began when my great aunt

was kidnapped
and held for ransom

by an unlicensed
Armenian phrenologist.

An Armenian phrenologist?

Yes, you know. A man who reads
the "beumps" on your head.

- The "beumps"?
- What?

You said "beumps"?

Yes. Have you ever had
your "beumps" read?

I don't think so.

I would guess that your "beumps"
would make excellent reading.

Would you mind if I read
your "beumps" sometime?