Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

# When I saw you for the first time

# First time

# My knees began to quiver

# Quiver

# And I got a funny feeling

# Feeling

# In my kidneys and my liver

# Digestive system, baby

# My bands, they started shaking

# Shaking

# My heart began a-thumping

# Boom, boom, boom!

# My breakfast left my body

#Huey, huey, huey

# It all really tells me something

# Girl, you make me tongue-tied

# Tongue-tied

# Tongue-tied

# Whenever you are near me

# Near me

# Tied tongue # Tied tongue

# Tied tongue # Tied tongue

# Whenever you're in town

(VOCALIZING)

# I saw you across the dance floor

# Dancing

# I thought of birds and bees

# Reproductive system, baby

# But when I tried to speak to you

# Talk, talk

# My tongue unravelled to my knees

# Flippety-flippety-flop

[#I tried to say] love you

# Love you

# But it came out kind of wrong, girl

# Wrong, girl

# It sounded like noo-noony-nee-noo

# Tongue-tied

# Na-ner-ner-ner-nee-nung, nirl

# Because you make me tongue-tied

# Tongue-tied # Tongue-tied

# Whenever you are near me

# Near me

# Be-dobby-durgle, dobby-durgle

# Tongue-tied tongue-tied

# Whenever you're around

# Oh, I 'm begging on my knees

# Sweet, sweet darling, listen, please

# Understand me when I say

# Bedurble diggle doggle-dooby doggle-durgle-day

# I 'm trying to say nungy-nangy, nangy-nongy

# Ningy-nongy

# Why can't I tell you clearly?

# Clearly

# Be-dobby-durgle # Dobby-durgle

# Durgle-dobb y # Durgle-dobb y

# Whenever you're around

# Around #

- No, this isn't the one. - What isn't?

I'm looking for this dream I had last month on the dream recorder.

It was sensational.

What was it about?

Me, three girls

and a family-size tub of bananayoghurt.

You cats have a very strange attitude to women if you ask me.

Say what, goalpost-head?

It's all sex.

There's no sense of settling down, having a long-term relationship.

Hey, I want to settle down.

And as soon as I find the right small group of girls,

the seven or eight women who are right for me,

my wandering days are over, buddy.

You see? Totally maladjusted.

That's rich, you know.

I mean, coming from the man whose favourite book is

How To Pick Up Girls By Hypnosis.

There's nothing wrong with that, Lister. It's a good book

full of handy hints as well and it works.

Get outta town!

(RIMMER SIGHS)

That's howl met Lorraine. By hypnotising her.

You hypnotised a girl into going out with you?

Yes, I gave her the old "There's something in your eye" technique.

Fixed her with the Mesmer stare.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

And bingo, she agreed to come on a date.

- What was wrong with her? - Nothing.

Come on, a girl agreed to go out with you

and there was nothing wrong with her?

Lister, she was an extremely attractive and bright young lady.

Yeah, well, it must work then, eh?

Of course, she had an artificial nose.

What?

Oh, tastefully done.

Quality metal, no rivets.

Come on, what happened?

Well, things were a bit stilted in the taxi.

All my jokes about her nose hadn't gone down too well.

And they were good gags, I mean, quality gags, like,

"Where are we going?" "Who nose?"

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

No cheap shots.

Anyway, when we go to the restaurant,

she must have had an attack of nerves or something.

She said she was going to the loo

and ended up climbing out of the toilet window.

I wonder why.

It's not because she didn't want to see me, Lister.

She phoned the next day and said

how much she'd love to come on another date with me.

Only suddenly she had to move to Pluto.

You're a sad weasel of a man, you know that, Rimmer?

No, I'm just that I'm ill at ease with the opposite sex.

It's because you see them as some alien species

that need to be conquered with trickery.

They're not, they're people.

You don't need your books on hypnosis.

And what's the other one? What's the other one?

1,001 Fabulous Chat-up Lines.

Lister, I do need that, it's brilliant. Those chat-up lines are guaranteed.

There's no such thing.

All right. You be a woman, okay?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

Sort of on your own, in a bar, short leather miniskirt, peephole bra.

Okay, go on.

This is the most... This is the most incredible chat-up line

you've ever heard in your life, guaranteed.

- Go on. - Okay, In a bar, on your own.

Excuse me, would you like to join me for a cocktail?

No.

Well, you can't say no.

It doesn't work if you say no. You've got to say yes.

Oh, right. Okay, go on, go on.

So, would you like a wormdo?

What's that, then?

- What's what? - A wormdo.

What about it?

Is this still the opening line?

But you're not giving me the right replies!

What is the right reply?

I come up to you and say,

"Excuse me, would you like to join me in a cocktail?"

You say yes. I say,

"Would you like a wormdo?" You say, "What's a wormdo?" and I say,

"Oh, it wriggles along the ground like that."

You know it!

Rimmer, you could not pull a rotten tooth

out of a dead horse's head with that one.

- Eureka. I've done it. - Done what?

The Earl of Sandwich in vented the sandwich,

Samuel Morse in vented the Morse code,

Plato in vented the plate.

And now I, Holly, have invented the Holly Hop Drive.

Ooh, I can't wait to see it.

It's monumental, this. Epoch-making.

The Holly Hop Drive can transfer any object instantly

to any other point in space.

What? You mean we could go back to Earth?

In a matter of seconds.

What, you mean we can go back to Earth, like, right now?

This instant?

- Right on. - Rock and roll!

Oh, is this it?

What do you think?

It's just... It's just a box with "stop" and "start" on it!

It's fairly straightforward.

If you want to start it, press ”Start”.

You could work out the rest of the controls for yourself.

It's absolutely pathetic.

Right. Let's Holly Hop. Engage drive.

Drive engaged.

Initiating ignition sequence.

Ignition sequence initiated.

Get on with it.

It takes time, this.

One slight error in any one of my 73 billion calculations,

we 'll all be blasted to smithereens.

Here we go, then. Ten, nine, eight,

- six, five... - You missed out the seven.

Did I?

I've always had a bit of a blind spot with sevens.

We're going to die.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

No problem. I 'll start lower down.

One. Blast off.

We 'Ve done it. We 're home.

- It worked? - We're at Earth? You must be joking!

Half a mo.

It's gone.

What has?

The Earth.

It's missing. It's not there.

Wait a minute. I was looking out the wrong window.

No, no, it has gone.

The entire solar system is missing.

Well, what is actually out there?

Nothing, just space.

Holly, the thought occurs that we haven't actually reached Earth.

The further thought occurs

that we haven't actually budged a smegging inch.

No, no, we have.

It's just I don't know where we are.

I've got to admit it. I've flamingoed up.

What?

It's like a cock-up, only much, much bigger.

Wait, there is something there. It's another ship.

- Aliens! - Punch it up.

It looks like an exact copy of Red Dwarf.

LISTER: Eh? So what's happened?

Somehow, don't ask me how,

we've jumped into a parallel universe.

We 'Ve entered the fifth dimension

What's the fifth dimension?

Didn't they get to number six with Baby, I Want Your Love Thing?

You 'Ve got your basic dimensions, right?

Length, breadth, depth and time.

The fifth dimension is co-existing realities,

two bodies who share the same space,

but are unaware of each other's existence.

Sounds like my parents in bed.

So hang on,

this is another Red Dwarf, with another Rimmer and Lister on board?

Will they be exactly the same as us?

No, there will be differences. It's a parallel universe, innit?

What do you mean?

Well, for instance, in this universe

it could be that Hitler won the Second World War.

It could be something even more incredible,

like perhaps Ringo was a really good drummer.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

Hang on, I 'm linking up with their onboard computer.

- Hello, I 'm Hilly. - Hello, I 'm Holly.

- Hello, Holly. - Hello, Hilly.

Well, this is a tum-up, innit?

You'd better boogie on over and we can sort it out.

Right on, sis.

- [See you, Hal. - See you, Hi].

I 'm in there.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

It's identical in every detail to our Red Dwarf!

There's a very funny smell around here that I don't like one bit.

It smells like your moon boots, man.

I'm going to get rid of it.

That's mine. This is mine...

So, where's the other Rimmer and Lister?

So, you're not aliens.

- Hi. - Hi.

- How do you do? - How do you do?

- So, you must be Lister? - And you are, too.

I hope so.

- You must be Rimmer. So am I. - Splendid.

- Deb. - Dave.

- Arnold. - Arlene.

Indeedy.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

So, you come from a universe which is exactly the same as ours. Can I?

Yeah.

Only everything's opposite?

I don't know if everything's opposite. It seems like that.

So, you come from a female-orientated society?

Well, it's not exactly female-orientated any more,

not since the '60s, you know, with the "Equal Rights For Men" marches.

You know, when they burned their jockstraps and all that.

Stop!

Haven't you read The Male Eunuch by Jeremy Greer?

So, your history ls parallel to ours as well?

So hang on, who was the first person on the moon?

Nellie Armstrong.

Nellie Armstrong?

- So, who wrote Hamlet? - Will Shakespeare.

Ah, so he was a bloke.

No, she was a woman. Wilma Shakespeare.

Yes, she wrote all the greats.

Rachel 11], The Taming Of The Shrimp.

Oh, my God, what's this?

- My Camera Monthly Magazine. - But it's disgusting!

It's full of semi-naked blokes draping themselves over sports cars.

What's wrong with that?

You're not one of those boring masculinists, are you?

So, sexual attitudes are opposite, as well?

What's that, my little... cupcake?

Your little what?

But it just looks ridiculous!

I mean, these models are deformed, hugely deformed.

Makes one feel quite inadequate.

I wouldn't worry about that, my pretty.

Hey, holograms can touch each other!

Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey! I hate to break up the party,

but isn't there somebody missing?

How do you mean?

Well, Lister, female opposite.

Rimmer, female opposite. Where's mine?

Oh, right. Mooching around the cargo decks, I think.

(EXCLAIMS) All my life I've waited for this moment,

and now it has arrived!

Hey, listen, if you hear me screaming, do not,

I repeat, do not come to the rescue!

(EXCLAIMS)

# I'm gonna get you, little chickie #

- I think he's In for a bit of a shock. «my?

- His opposite isn't female. - What is it?

It's a dog.

(IN AMERICAN ACCENT) Boy, oh, boy! Where'd they go?

I get so dang panicky

when they go off and leave me on my own like this.

Damn these fleas!

CAT: #I'm gonna get you, little chickie

# I'm gonna get you, little... #

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

I don't know what that is, but I'm sure he wants to eat me.

Well, trash my shorts.

What a funny-looking dog!

I'd better make myself look big!

Put it there, buddy, put it right there.

God! What kind of toothpaste does he use? Rotting meat flavour?

Come on, now. I wanna be your buddy!

I'll tell you what, I'm gonna smell your behind.

Then you can smell mine.

Now, is that a deal?

- You wanna smell my what? - Why, sure!

Don't you wanna smell me?

Man, I could smell you if you was on Mars!

When's the last time you take a bath?

- Oh, please, don't say that word! - What, bath?

You said it again! Now, listen up.

If you're gonna say that word in front of me, please spell it.

When did you last time you took a B-A-T-H?

What's that?

Yo, Cat. There you are.

- Come on, we're going to the disco. - What?

Yeah, Holly said it's going to take about 17 hours

to repair the Hop Drive

so I thought we'd go and have a few...

Bevvies.

Yeah, yeah, yeah! Well, come on!

(EXCLAIMS)

(GRUNTS) Damn.

(POP MUSIC PLAYING)

Well, they seem to be getting on, don't they?

- Yes. Absolutely. - Oh, yes.

- Like a house on fire. - You can say that again.

- Oh, yes. - Yes.

Mind you, we've got a pretty good conversation going on here.

Oh, yes, yes.

Absolutely.

Funny really, I'm not normally good at talking to the opposite sex.

No, I'm not. I run out of things to say.

Me, too.

So, you're a girl, then?

- Yes. - That's nice.

Hang on. Haven't you got something In your eye?

You're trying to hypnotize me, aren't you!

- No, of course not. - Well, stop staring, then.

- I'm not staring. - Yes, you are.

Okay, I read it in this book.

It's great for picking up bits of totty.

Well, I'd hardly describe myself as a bit of totty.

Oh, yes!

Totty, totty, totty.

I think you've had rather too much to drink.

I always get like this when I'm tanked up.

Come on. You're interested.

I assure you I'm not.

Why are you giving me all the signs then?

- What signs? - Wearing such tight trousers?

They're not tight.

Of course, they are. You're begging for it.

I'm not "totty" and I'm not begging for anything.

Come on, give us a snog.

I promise I won't try to take off your underpants.

Look, I'm sorry, I'm just not that kind of boy.

Frigid.

You're disgusting! You're only after me for one thing.

Why? How many have you got?

You're a great conversationalist, you know that?

I am, but I ain't said nothing yet.

Yeah, that's what I like best.

Yo, listen, I'm going to the bar, do you want anything?

Yeah, I'll have a grenade. Thank you.

- A grenade? - Yeah. I wanna play fetch with the dog.

Listy! How are you, me old mate?

Come and join us! Please, God, come and join us!

I won't be long.

If you want to keep your beer cool, stick it between his legs.

What was all that about?

That is the most awful woman I've ever met.

She's you.

She's absolutely repugnant.

She doesn't treat me like I'm a normal human being at all.

She seems to regard me as some sort of discardable sex object.

She's the female equivalent of you.

Nonsense. She's maladjusted.

Trust my luck to end up with El Weirdo,

while you trap off with the one with the juicy jugs.

Who, she?

She thinks of men the exact same way you think of women.

It's disgusting.

She accused me of wiggling my bottom in a provocative way.

I was just walking!

Can I help it if I happen to be sexy?

- What's the other one like? - Totally gross.

She's unbelievable.

She tried to impress me by drinking six pints of lager

and belching the whole of Yankee Doodle Dandy.

That's your party piece, isn't it?

Yeah, but when I do it, it's really stylish, man.

(BELCHES)

Class.

- Do you think you'll, er... - What?

Get outta town!

I mean, she's a good laugh, and all that,

but all she wants to do

is get like completely blitzed out of her brains

and eat vindaloos.

I mean, call me crazy, but I just don't find that attractive.

- How you getting on then? - Well, put it this way,

there'll be two pairs of shoes under the bed tonight.

Wallop, eh!

He doesn't look too interested to me.

He looks more, sort of, petrified.

Oh, he just doesn't want me to think he's the ship's bike,

but I'm getting the signs.

He crossed his legs

and made pretty damn sure I saw he was wearing sock suspenders

(EXCLAIMS)

Rimmer, he's not interested.

Maybe not now, but wait till I hit him the wormdo line.

Hey, do you want to dance?

Boy, I tell you, when I hit the dance floor,

I am one mean turkey!

Do you dance?

(SCOFFS) Do I dance?

Does Carmen Miranda wear fruit?

All righty! You lead on, boy.

Hold this, Fido.

You call that dancing? No way, Jose!

This is dancing!

(GROWLS)

(HOWLS)

Well, what do you think, huh?

(DEB COUGHING)

Oh, another dead heat.

Again? That's eight dead heats on the run.

- Listy, I want to speak to Holly. - Sure.

Holly, how long before the Hop Drive's fixed?

When can we get out of here?

We 're busy fixing it right now, aren't we, Hilly?

Yes, we are, Holly. Very busy fixing it right now.

That's exactly what we 're doing.

What's that mark on your face, Hol?

What face?

The lipstick mark.

That's not a lipstick mark. That's a computer rash.

Holly, just get the Hop Drive fixed and get me out of here.

What's the matter? Aren't you having a good time?

A "good time"?

Lister, I'm going to bed now,

by myself, on my own, alone.

If she comes back, tell her I've got a headache or something.

- Why, where's she gone? - She's gone to get some sexy videos.

She seems to think that seeing two men together might turn me on.

- Where are you sleeping? - I'm not telling you. It's too risky.

Come on, what are you, a man or a munchkin?

# I 'm off to see the Wizard

# The wonderful Wizard of Oz #

Are you ready, then? Okay, after three. Three!

(LAUGHING) Beat you!

Oh, did I get drunk or did I get drunk?

Oh, no.

Oh, did I get drunk or did I get drunk?

Hi.

- Hi. - Listen, did we...

I can't remember.

I can remember betting you that I could climb the disco wall

using only me lips.

And then...

Oh, God, I juggled the goldfish, didn't I?

Blindfold.

And then...

Oh, eh, we did, didn't we?

You pieces of filth.

How could you commit an act of carnal knowledge...

In my bunk, on my sheets, using my springs?

How could you even contemplate making love to yourself?

Well, why break a habit of a lifetime?

Leave it out! I was gonzo, man. I was out of me skull.

Wait, what's that supposed to mean?

Well, I wouldn't have slept with you if I'd known what I was doing.

Oh, hey, thanks a lot.

I hope you get pregnant.

No offence, man, but you're not exactly

Mr Difficult to Pull, are you?

Talk about a pushover!

Well, that's rich coming from Miss Yo-Yo Knickers.

I hope you get pregnant, you cheap little tart!

You what?

Him? How can he get pregnant?

Well, if they didn't use precautions, he could be up the spout.

Oh, but it's women who get pregnant.

Since when?

Since always.

Me mother was a woman.

Oh, Listy!

Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear. Oh, dear.

If I'm understanding correctly,

it appears that in their universe,

it's the men who give birth to the babies.

And as we are in their universe,

you could very well possibly be up the duff, laddie!

Come on, I'm not buying this. This is a wind-up.

Don't get emotional. Not in your condition!

It's impossible! I haven't got the... The equipment, have I?

Of course, you have.

You're in our universe. Our physical law applies.

Shut up! Holly, tell me this isn't true.

I 'm afraid it is, Mum.

How could you do this to me?

- Do what? - Fertilise me.

Take advantage of me,

knowing that I was drunk and I didn't have precautions.

Listen, I assumed you'd taken care of that side of thing.

It's the man's responsibility.

It's the man who gets pregnant.

It's the man who has to suffer the agony of childbirth.

Agony? This gets better and better!

Well, what do you want me to do? I'm sorry, okay?

"Sorry"? That's it? "Sorry"?

Wham, barn, thank you, mister?

Well, there's no point standing around arguing about it.

If it's happened, it's happened.

Yeah, we'd better get back. I've fixed the Hop Drive.

No, we can't go now, Hol!

She could be the father of my child!

If we don't go now, we won't be able to get back at all.

Listen, just because it's possible for you to get pregnant,

it doesn't mean you necessarily are.

You might get lucky.

But then again, you might not.

We'll find out when we get back, won't we, Listy?

HOLLY: Engaging Holly Hop.

Holly Hop engaged.

Four, three, one, blast off.

(BEEPING)

I don't know why I'm going through with this.

It's just not possible.

Why is it not possible?

Male baboons have given birth.

They were doing that as far back as the 20th century.

Caesarean, naturally.

(MIMICS SLASHING SOUNDS)

Still, Lister, you'll be in good hands.

The skutters will be able to handle a simple caesarean.

Skutters!

I wouldn't let them open a can of beans.

You're thinking too negative!

Think of all the glorious, beautiful,

wondrous things about having children.

- Like? - When they grow up and leave home.

What colour is it supposed to turn?

Blue for not pregnant, which is the colour it's going to turn.

- And red for pregnant? - Yeah.

Come on, you reds!

- What colour is it now? - It's still white.

01} I've just had a thought.

Remember when we broke the light barrier

and saw those echoes from the future?

Yeah.

And we saw your future self with twin boys.

Right. I said, "How is it possible

"to get two babies without a woman onboard?"

And you said, "I don't know,

"but it's going to be a lot of fun finding out."

How right you were, Listy!

Twins? No way, Rimmer! Not twins!

Oh, yes! Big, bonny, strapping, bouncing boys they were, as well.

Huge heads.

- It's changing colour! - What colour?

- Yes, it is! - It's changing colour!

- Yes, it's changing colour! - What colour?

- It's blue for not pregnant. right? - Yes!

Oh, good news, excellent news, Listy!

Oh, thank God!

I'm going to be an uncle.

# It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere

#I'm all alone, more or less

# Let me fly far away from here

# Fun, fun, fun

#ln the sun, sun, sun

# I want to lie shipwrecked and comatose

# Drinking fresh mango juice

# Goldfish shoals nibbling at my toes

# Fun, fun, fun

#ln the sun, sun, sun

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun #