Original subtitles

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Three million years from Earth, the mining ship Red Dwarf.

Its crew, Dave Lister, the last human being alive,

Arnold Rimmer, a hologram of his dead bunkmate,

and a creature who evolved from the ship's cat.

Message ends.

Additional. Our biggest enemy is going space-crazy through loneliness.

The only thing that helps me maintain my slender grip on reality

is the friendship I share with my collection of singing potatoes.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

Nineteen. "When you are alone in bed, what do you wear?

"Is it: A, nothing at all.

"B, a flannelette nightie.

"Or C, a sexy black negligee?"

C.

Twenty, “Do you think your boobs are: A, too small.

"B, just right. Or C, too large?"

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

Definitely too large.

So, what's my rating? Mainly Cs.

"You sure are one foxy lady.

"Sexual, sensual and you don't mind showing it."

Yes! I'm a sex beast.

(YOWLING) Yeah!

Do you mind?

- What? - I'm trying to concentrate.

Yeah! I can't hear you.

What are you listening to?

Oh, this is red hot, man.

"Robert Hardy reads Tess of the d'Urbervilles”?

Let's have a listen.

(BOTH WAILING)

The tape must have got twisted, man. This is really good.

(BOTH YOWLING)

Excuse me!

I'm in the middle of a tactical calculation

which could well swing this entire game.

- Rimmer, you've lost, man. - There's plenty of play left in this.

You've only got one move you can make and then he zaps you.

Admittedly, at first glance, that is indeed the way it looks.

But what you're failing to take into consideration is that

El Skutto here has to go back on duty in four minutes, 31 seconds,

and if he goes before the game is concluded, I win by default.

Four minutes, 15.

(SING-SONG VOICE) Rimmer! Rimmer!

You're a piece of dirty, filthy, cheating scum, aren't you?

Absolument! And that's why I'll win,

'cause I have the ability to think my way around problems,

rather than sticking to the straight pre-programmed lines. Ahem!

That's why men, Lister, are better than machines.

Oh, I don't know. I had this geography teacher, Miss Foster.

She took us on a school summer camp trip to Deganwy.

And I was in the tent next to hers, right?

And in the middle of the night,

I was woken up by this really weird noise.

She didn't think men were better than machines.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

- What's happening, then, dudes? - Oh, bog all.

Hang on, I've forgotten what I was going to say now.

Well, It can't have been that Important, then, can It?

(THUNDEROUS CRASH)

That's it, yeah. Look out, a meteor is about to hit the ship.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

- I knew it would come back to me. - Thanks for the warning!

- I'm sorry. I've bad things on me mind. - What's wrong with you, Holly?

He's computer senile, that's what's wrong with him.

Is there any damage?

I don't know. The damage report machine's been damaged.

- Well, where did it hit? - I'm not sure. All me monitors are out.

Round about Floor 591, I think.

You're about as much use as a condom machine in the Vatican.

Holly, there's nothing here. Let's try 592.

Er... Has anybody seen my legs?

They don't appear to be below my waist where I normally keep them.

Holly, what's happened to Rimmer's legs?

Here they are, right here!

- Stop them! - Come on, leggies. This way. Over here.

Of course. 592. That's where the Hologram Simulation Suite is.

- What does this mean? - It's probably not serious. Don't panic.

Well, if it's not serious when your genitals can go

wandering off on their own, I'd like to know what is.

(HIGH-PITCHED DRONING)

Wait for me-me-me-me-me-me!

Here it is. 592.

(HIGH-PITCHED DRONING)

Rimmer, are you all right?

(IN HIGH-PITCH ED VOICE) Well, you see, the shuttle was late.

The shuttle was late.

And they're usually so good. They're so good. They're brilliant.

What's happened to him?

He's turned into Brannigan, the ship's psychiatrist.

We 'a' better get him fixed.

(ALARM BLARING)

I've got it in hand. Don't panic.

Don't panic, everyone. I've got it in hand.

Just need to override the charred relays.

Just need to override the charred relays.

- How do you do that, Hol? - How do you do that, Hol?

Bypass the main circuit. That rigger switch is over there.

Bypass the main circuit. That rigger switch is over there.

- What, this one over here? - What, this one over here?

- Yeah, that one. - Yeah, that one.

- Now press the bypass. - Now press the bypass.

(GROANING)

That was horrible. I never want to go through that again.

(YOWLING)

Hey! Now he's me.

There's a loose cable. Stick the red plug in the blue socket.

(GASPING)

- Is that it? Am I okay now? - HOLLY: Yeah.

Shouldn't this plug into something?

Oh, yeah, that joins up with the white cable.

- The white cable? - Yeah-

(CRACKLING)

(SCREAMING)

(EXPLOSION)

Or is it the yellow cable?

Yes, I think it should have been the yellow one.

You are a total, total...

A word has yet to be invented

to describe how totally whatever it is you are,

but you are one, and a total, total one at that.

All right, keep your hair on.

I'm lucky if I can keep my legs on with you in charge.

Yeah, he's out to lunch, man.

He's out to lunch, breakfast, dinner, tea, supper, the lot.

Not in for a single meal if you ask me.

- Hey, who's that? - Aliens!

- Queeg. - Who's Queeg?

I 'm Queeg So0, the Red Dwarf backup computer.

All vessels of the Jupiter Mining Corporation fleet

are obliged to carry a backup computer to replace the primary computer,

if the primary computer contravenes Article 5.

I am therefore assuming control of this vessel.

This is mutiny, Mr Queeg.

I'll see you swing from the highest yardarm

in Titan Docking Port for this day's work.

What's Article 5?

Gross negligence, leading to the endangerment of personnel.

Hang on, you can't do this! Holly's got an IQ of 6,000!

HOLLY: Yeah, right on.

- Is that what he told you? - Well, what is it, then?

It has a six in it, but it's not 6, 000.

- What is it? - Six.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

Six? Do me a lemon. That's a poor [0 for a glass of water.

How come he knows all the answers to questions about science and space

and that when we ask him?

- He consults a book. - What a slime ball.

He gets all his information on astronomy, phenomenology

and physics from a single reference book.

- What's the book? - T he junior Encyclopaedia of Space.

It's the only one he could find which had pictures.

That's slander, that is.

You 'a' better find yourself a good lawyer, guy.

- So that's why he was never on the case! - I am on the case.

I'm sharp. I'm kicking bottom.

How come he can navigate us back to Earth?

He can't. You 'Ve been going around in circles for the last 74 months

- You what? - That's a load of Tottenham, that is.

It's a steaming pile of Hotspur.

I 'm onto his game.

He's turning you against me so he can take over.

This is not a matter for discussion. The decision has been made.

Your terminals have been bypassed. You 'Ve been retired.

I 'm in my prime.

You'll be given light duties, night-watchman.

From now on, Red Dwarf is run by Queeg So0.

(SUSPENSEFUL MUSIC PLAYING)

Queeg to all personnel. Course redirection implemented.

New bearing 057-776. Message ends.

Ah, Lister, this is all a bit different, isn't it?

See those skutters, charging up and down the corridor,

polishing, repairing, sweeping?

The lifts are fixed. The fire extinguishers work.

And when I say work, I mean they work when you turn them on,

as opposed to when you happen to pass them and cough.

As they did under Holly's regime.

Yeah, I suppose.

Look, Lister.

There's no point feeling sorry about Holly. It's a kindness.

He's like a blind, old, incontinent sheepdog who's had his day.

Take him out to the barn with a double-barrelled shotgun

and blow the mother away.

And I'm only saying that because I'm so fond of him.

How do you think Holly feels?

"Feels?" He doesn't feel anything, Lister. He's a computer.

He still feels.

Sometimes I think it's cruel giving machines a personality.

My mate, Petersen, once bought

a pair of shoes with artificial intelligence.

Smart Shoes they were called. It was a neat idea.

No matter how blind drunk you were, they could always get you home.

But he got ratted one night in Oslo and woke up the next morning in Burma

See, the shoes got bored just going from his local to the flat.

They wanted to see the world, like, you know.

He had a hell of a job getting rid of them.

No matter who he sold them to, they'd show up again the next day.

He tried to shut them up but they just kicked the door down.

- Is this true? - Yeah. Last thing he heard,

they'd sort of robbed a car and drove it into a canal.

They couldn't steer, you see.

Really?

Yeah. Petersen was really, really blown away about it.

He went to see a priest.

The priest told him... He said it was all right and all,

the shoes were happy and that they had gone to heaven.

You see, it turns out shoes have soles.

Well, what a sad, sad story.

Wait a minute.

How did they open the car door?

(ALARM BEEPING)

Off!

(ALARM STOPS)

Queeg, why has my alarm clock gone off at 6:00?

That's what time you asked for.

Ah! Now, Holly and I had this little understanding.

I would say, "Holly, wake me up at 6:00 without fail."

Then Holly would pretend to forget,

and wake me up around 10:00 with breakfast.

Okay?

Ah!

(ALARM BLARING)

Off!

(CLEARING THROAT)

Queeg, I can see we've already cultivated a special understanding,

I scratch your back, you stick a knife in mine.

- All right, give me a uniform. - It 's exercises first.

Ah, yes. Now once again,

Holly, bless his little interface leads,

and I had this understanding.

Move it, boy!

What are you doing?

What I 'm doing, pilgrim,

is I 'm putting you through the regulation So0 jerks.

But I don't want to. Stop it.

And then your ass is on a three-mile run.

You just can't take over control of my body willy-nilly!

The company is paying for your hologramatic survival.

And out here in space, I am the company.

Lister, wake up! Help me! Lister!

What's going on?

Queeg. He's making me fit!

What are you doing? Trunk curls? God, no!

My stomach won't take it! It's too flabby!

- One. - Mummy!

- Two. - Mercy!

- Three. - Help me!

Holly and I had this little understanding!

- Five! - Yes! Fight that flab!

I want control of my own body back! Three miles is gonna kill me!

I'm gonna faint!

I said food! Is anybody home?

What's the matter with him?

He fainted after the first So0 yards.

What? And you made him jog two and a half miles unconscious?

It's regulations.

Yes! Nice one, Queeg!

Right. 0700.

Time for his astronavigation revision. I'd better wake him up.

(SLAPPING)

Revise and learn pages 25 to 59.

You will then be tested.

If you fail, tomorrow you will do a five-mile jog.

I am now returning to you control of your body.

Hey, I can't get any food!

- Try a different machine. - I tried them all!

(ROBOTICALLY) "I'm sorry. You have run out of credits."

- They've all gone crazy! - Queeg, what's happened to the machines?

I refer you to Article 497,

”When a crew member has run out of credit,

”food and drink may not be supplied until the balance has been restored. ”

Nah. Listen,

see, me and Holly, we had this little understanding...

- If you want food you have to work. - Work?

You'd better get to it, 'cause you're looking at one hungry pussycat.

Both of you!

Hey, hey! Whoa! I do not do the "W" word.

Cats do not work! I've got a note from my mummy.

- From now on, everybody works. - Not this pussy!

I can't believe I'm doing this!

Look at me. I'm disgusting! I look like you in your best clothes.

Look, it's easy. Just imagine the floor is Queeg's face.

(SPITTING)

Aw, look at my hands! I had lovely hands!

Well, wear the smegging gloves!

Marigold with blue? Are you crazy?

How long do we have to do this for anyway?

- We've only been doing it 10 minutes. - Ten minutes too long.

- We've got to do it all day. - What? All day?

The whole entire day? What about my naps?

I'm a cat. I need to nap.

If I don't nap nine or 10 times a day,

I don't have enough energy for my main snooze.

Halt, dudes. Who goes there? Friend or foe?

- Holly! - How you doing? You're looking great.

Hey, let me wipe your screen.

- So, how's it going? - What you been up to, man?

Oh, this night-watchman [ark keeps me busy.

Shining me torch down the corridors.

Turning it off. Shining it again. Life's pretty full, you know.

- You've got to help us, Hol. - Yeah, Queeg has got to go!

Look what he's done to my cuticles. The man is a maniac.

(PANTING) I agree!

He's got us working, otherwise we don't eat.

Well, no doubt he knows what he's doing,

unlike certain senile gibbering wrecks of computers we could mention.

Still, it was nice to see how everyone rallied round, defending me to the hilt.

- Different story now, ain't it? - Well, I defended you.

Oh, I remember it well. Queeg says I've got an IQ of six,

and you immediately leap to my defence, saying,

”Really? That explains everything. ”

- No. That was Rimmer. - Nevertheless,

the fact remains there are certain characters

on this ship who don't believe my [0 is 6, 000.

- I believe you. - I could prove it if I wanted.

- There's no need. - I want to prove it.

Well, okay, what's the square root of 2,049?

- Oh, you you want me to prove it, do you? - No, no.

Clearly you do. Just doing the square root of 2, 049

will prove I have an IQ of 6, 000.

What is it?

You wouldn't prefer a sports question?

Forget it, Hot. It's just not important.

Well, it is to me. I've been impugned.

I want to clear my name.

Well, what is the square root of 2,049?

How about a space question?

Like what?

I don't know. Like, ”What's the nearest planet to the sun?”

- What's the nearest planet to the sun? - Oh, easy. Easy-peasy.

That's right down my particular field of expertise, that is.

Your nearest basic planet to your actual sun is...

Mercury.

- Yep. That's right. - Oh, ye of little faith.

Well, you've convinced me, Hol.

Me, too. So, do we get rid of Queeg or what?

Am I fully restored in your confidence as the right dude for the gig?

- Yeah. - I'll be in touch.

(WHISTLING THE GREAT ESCAPE THEME)

He's taking the smeg!

- Who is? - Queeg.

Look what he's given me for dinner. A pea on toast.

One pea.

I tell you, I'm that far from cracking.

I've lost me pea.

Oh, that's it! I've cracked.

He's just doing this to destroy your morale.

Is he? Well, I want me pea back.

That's my pea. I earned that pea!

Where is it? I don't care if it's on the floor, covered in fluff,

if it's under the bed with me toenail clippings,

I don't care where it is, it's my pea.

Learned It. I'm going to eat It, no matter what.

It flew off into your dirty sock basket.

I'll just have the toast.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

Why didn't we stick up for Holly?

I did.

You did? When?

- All right, I didn't. - Nobody did. It's terrible.

We thought we were getting something better.

But what about trust? What about fidelity?

What about simple, basic, honest friendship?

Friendship? Do you know how many people I've met in my life

I can count as friends, true friends?

Well, if you count Inflatable Ingrid, your polythene pal, one.

I'll tell you.

None. I got burnt once and I learnt my lesson.

Don't trust anybody.

There was this one lad, Porky Roebuck.

I'd known him 10 years. We were almost family.

His dad was secretly knocking off my mum.

That's how close we were.

Anyway, we were in the Space Scouts together.

- You were In the Space Scouts? - Oh, yes.

Pinkle! Squirmy! Blip-blap-blap!

We were 15 years old. We went on this survival course,

24 hours, out in the wild, sleeping rough,

surviving on wild berries and rainwater.

Where did you go? Butlins?

We were each given a Swiss Army knife.

You only ate what you killed yourself.

I remember, 10 of the boys got together

and decided to eat me.

They tied me to a stake, lit a fire and poured barbecue sauce all over me.

I remember thinking as I went round and round,

"Porky will save me. He's my best friend."

It turns out Porky was the ringleader and actually bagsied my right buttock.

If it hadn't been for Yaka Taka Talla, the Space Mistress,

I honestly believe they would have eaten me.

Oh, come on. They were only bullying you.

They wouldn't have really eaten you. You know what kids are like.

The point is, Lister, friends are only friends when it suits them.

Oh, lights.

- Lister? - Yeah?

How did you know about Inflatable Ingrid?

I've been seeing her behind your back.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

- Compute. - Compute.

The product of the correlation of DX over DY minus the sum of the set P

all over the sum of R, given that R is a ratio of P over 5,

where I( is a constant and 5 is an integer variable.

- Just one small question. - Yes?

What does "compute" mean?

Just do it.

And you two suckers, stop shirking and get working.

(HIGH NOON THEME PLAYING)

# Do not forsake me, oh, my darling

# I only know I must be brave

# For] must face a man who hates me

# Or lie a coward in my grave #

Queeg.

What do you want?

- I want my ship back. - Too bad.

You want Red Dwarf, you've got to fight for her.

Steady on, Hot, this man's a nutter.

I challenge you to the game of your choice.

May the greater mind win.

Oh, my God.

- For the winner, command of Red Dwarf. - And for the loser?

The laser will be erased, terminated, oblivion/sea'.

- Bye-bye, baldy. - Name your game.

- Chess. It can be anything, any game at all.

- Chess. - Draughts, poker, anything.

- Chess - Subbuteo, snakes and ladders...

- Chess. - Monopoly, maybe? I'll let you go first.

- Chess! - So you like a bit of chess, do you?

Transfer me to the monitor.

Holly, don't do this, man. You're gonna get rubbed.

A computer's gotta do what a computer's gotta do.

Let battle commence.

- Pawn to King 4. - Horsie to King Bish 3.

It's called a knight, actually, Holly.

- Knight to King Bishop 3. - Queen to Rook 8. Checkmate.

- That’s an illegal move. - Oh, sorry. Queens don't move like that.

I was thinking of poker.

Cluedo? You can be Colonel Mustard.

Psst! If it's any help,

I've been studying his tactics and there's pattern emerging.

Every time you make a move, he makes one, too.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

Thanks, Cat.

Pawn to King 4.

Knight to King Bish 3.

QUEEG: Bishop to Knight 5.

HOLLY: Horsie takes King prawn.

- Pawn to Queen 5. - Horsie to Bish 3.

- Bishop pawn. - To Queen 3.

- Takes pawn. - Prawn to King 4.

Horsie to Bish 3.

- Prawn takes Horsie. - Bishop pawn takes pawn.

- Bish takes prawn. - Bishop to Knight 5.

Double check and mate, sucker.

Oh, yeah. I didn't see that.

Holly, man. What have you done?

- He ' 5 lost. - And the loser gets erased.

Noughts and crosses?

What kind of a plan was that?

A stupid plan, that's what kind of plan it was.

Well, why didn't we stop him?

We thought he had something up his sleeve.

Yeah. Now we've got Queeg forever,

and that's a long time.

Well, dudes, I've come to say goodbye.

So, you're definitely gonna get rubbed, Hol?

- Afraid so. - Life's gonna be hell!

Well, see you, Dave. Hope it works out with you and Kochanski

Cheers, Hol.

See you, Cat.

I hope one day, in the not-too-distant future,

you 'll fulfill your heart's desire and get your end away.

Thanks, man.

And Arnold well, I hope you meet those aliens

you 're looking for who can give you a body,

and you become an officer and you get a sex life

and all the other millions of things you feel you need to make you happy.

Thanks, Hol.

Well, I hate long goodbyes.

Perhaps next time you got the dosh together to go down the disco,

you 'll raise a glass to your old mate Holly

and think, ”Things weren't too bad when he was around.

”Perhaps not the most efficient computer ever invented,

”but we had a giggle. ”

Oh, one last thing. 45265887.

- What? - That's the square root of 2,049.

I may not be fast, but I get there in the end.

Well, as they always say, finish on a song.

# I'll say goodbye to love

# No one ever cared if I should live or die

# Time and time again the chance for love has passed me by... #

Okay, suckers, get this into your stupid thick heads.

There's only one thing I wanna say to you.

What?

HOLLY: What's happening, dudes?

We are talking jape of the decade.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHS)

We are talking April, May, June, July and August Fool.

Yes, that's right. I am Queeg.

ALL: What?

Queeg never existed. It was me all along.

- ALL: WHAT? - Wheeze of the week, mate-

- It was a joke? - Going round in circles for 74 months!

Get my information from The Junior Colour Encyclopaedia of Space

The respect you have for me is awesome, innit?

You mean you staged the whole thing?

(IN QUEEG'S VOICE) That's right, suckers.

(IN NORMAL VOICE) And the moral of the story is

appreciate what you've got because basically, I 'm fantastic.

(END THEME SONG PLAYING)

# It's cold outside, there's no kind of atmosphere

#I'm all alone, more or less

# Let me fly far away from here

# Fun, fun, fun

#ln the sun, sun, sun

# I want to lie, shipwrecked and comatose

# Drinking fresh mango juice

# Goldfish shoals nibbling at my toes

# Fun, fun, fun

#ln the sun, sun, sun

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun #