All language subtitles for Red dwarf S02E02 - Better Than Life

(RED DWARF THEME)

Three million years from Earth,
the mining ship Red Dwarf.

Its crew, Dave Lister,
the last human being alive,

Arnold Rimmer,
a hologram of his dead bun/(mate,

and a creature
who evolved from the ship's cat.

Message ends.

Additional.

Loneliness weighs heavily on us all.

Personally, the only thing
that keeps me going

is the thought that we are over

60 billion miles
from the nearest Berni Inn.

DAVID: For mild stomach upset,
take one teaspoonful.

For acute indigestion, take two.

Well, a highly enjoyable meal all round.

Obviously, you can't
expect perfection first time,

but I was quite delighted with the way
my dumplings went down.

Rimmer, real dumplings,
proper dumplings,

when they're properly
cooked to perfection,

proper dumplings should not bounce.

True, but compared to what
I thought they were gonna be like,

- they were quite superb.
- So, how's the Cat?

He's just sleeping off the stomach pump.

He'll be all right.
The lamb was a bit of a flop, though.

The lamb? Everybody thought
the lamb was the cheese.

And that lemon meringue pie, man,
what was in that?

I thought you liked that.
You brought some back.

Yeah, I wanted to try some out
on me athlete's foot.

It's not easy, Lister, cooking...
When you're dead,

you don't exist
and you're made entirely of light.

That's your excuse for everything,
isn't it? Being dead.

I'm just trying to rehabilitate myself,

trying to do the everyday normal things

that most living people
take for granted.

You've got the skutters to help you.

What? Pinky and smegging Perky?

What use are they? It's like giving
Blind Pew contact lenses.

- They only do what you tell them to.
- Ah, but they don't, do they?

You say, “Keep an eye on that lamb, “
and they do.

They sit there for three hours
and watch it burn.

So? They've got no emotion, have they?

It's not built into their software.

Have you seen their broom cupboard?

It's full of pin-ups of John Wayne.

That cannot be right, can it?
Piled this high with Film Fun magazines.

Not the way spanners behave in my book.

Oi. What's happening, dudes?

- Hi, Hol.
- Guess What?

- BOTH: What?
- Go on, have a guess.

- What is it vaguely about?
- No clues, just have a guess.

I knew you wouldn't get it.
The post pod's arrived.

What? The mail!

It's been tracking us
since we left Earth.

Now we've turned round, it's caught up.

Do you mean
it's taken three million years?

Yeah, that's about average
for second-class post.

(MIMICKING GUNSHOTS)

See what I mean?

(ULULATING)

There's everything here, all the mail,

entertainment cassettes,
a new batch of movies.

Yo! The new Friday the 73th movie.
Friday the 73th Part 7,649.

Look, Casablanca!
They've re-made Casablanca.

Philistines! I mean, how can you
re-make Casablanca?

The one starring
Myra Dinglebat and Peter Beardsley

was definitive.

I saw that one. Knockout.

”Of all the space bars
in all the worlds,

you had to re-materialise in mine. ”

Look, a cassette of a whole year
of Earth news here.

And two seasons of zero-G football.
I'll see you in the spring.

Uh, uh, uh. What are
Total Immersion video games?

Where? Oh, these are brilliant!

You can't get a hold of these
for love nor money.

These are like Venus' arms.

These are like Brooke Shields' buttocks.

What are they?

They're computer games, aren't they?

But electrodes are inserted

into your frontal lobes
and hypothalamus, right?

So, you actually feel
as though you're really, really there.

Yes!

Fine, Holly, there's something here
for you. It's a video letter.

Bung it on.

- Strike a light! It's Gordon.
- Who's Gordon?

He's the 77th generation AJ computer
aboard the Scott Fitzgerald.

He's got an IQ of 8, 000.

(DOPEY VOICE)
All right, Hal? It's-it's Gordon.

Awesome, his intellect, I tell you.

Just sending an
the latest move in our chess game.

My move is pawn, right?

That's the little knobbly ones
down the front.

Pawn to King Four. Your move.

Well, I 'a' better sign off now.
See you, Hal. Bye.

(STAMMERING)
How do you turn this off then?

You were playing
postal chess with him, were you?

Well, a chance to lock horns
with an intellect of that calibre,

I 'a' be a fool not to.

Pawn to King Four, eh? He's a sly one.

- So, who's winning, Hol?
- Well, he is really.

That was the first move.

DAVID: Me, me,

me, you, me...

It's all junk mail, yours, you know.

Me, me, me...

You send off for every bit
of rubbish going, you do,

just so you'll have some mail to open.

Me, me...

"Please rush me
my portable walrus polishing kit.

"Four super brushes that will

clean even the trickiest
of sea-bound mammals.

"Yes, I am over 18,
although my IQ isn't."

Me, me... Smeg! Outland Revenue.

Oh, oh, oh, oh! Outland Revenue.

8,So0!

8,So0? That's a lot of tax,
isn't it, Lister?

How on Titan are you going to
pay for that, eh?

- I'm not. It's yours.
- What?

No. This is wrong.
It's wrong. Well wrong, Lister.

Relax. It doesn't matter now. They're
not gonna catch you now, are they?

What do you mean?
Just because we're three million years

into deep space
and the human species is extinct?

That means nothing to these people.
They'll find us.

- Me.
- God!

I'll be worrying about this
all the time now.

Me. Oh, another one for you.

Rear Admiral Lieutenant General Rimmer?

That's from my mother.

Rear Admiral?

Every time I take an exam,
I tell her I've passed.

It's getting embarrassing now.

I should be Commander in Chief
of the whole universe.

- Do you want me to open It?
- Open It.

"Dear, Rimmer..." Is this from your mum?

That's Mumsie.

This handwriting's terrible.

"I hope this epistle finds you

adequately healthy
to discharge your duties."

You know, maybe I shouldn't be
reading this deeply personal stuff.

- Just get on with it.
- "I write to..." I can't read that.

Oh, "I write to inform... I write
to inform you that your father is dad."

Well, of course he is.
Maybe it's s "your father/dad".

- Dead.
- I can't make It out.

- My father is dead.
- What?

My father is dead!

Oh, yeah, it's an E! That's what it is.
Your father's dead, Rimmer.

Oh, hey. Sorry.

Is that all she says?

Just that he passed away
peacefully in his jeep.

Sleep.

Can't sleep?

(GRUNTS)

No, me neither.

(GRUNTS)

I remember when my dad died, you know.
I was only six.

I got loads of presents off everyone,
like it was Christmas.

I remember wish, I remember wishing
a couple of more people would die,

so I could complete me LEGO set.

Me grandma tried to explain, you know.

She said he'd gone away
and he wasn't coming back.

So I wanted to know where,
like, you know.

Said he was very happy and he'd gone
to the same place as me goldfish.

So I thought
they'd flushed him down the bog.

I thought he was
just round the U-bend, you know.

I used to stuff food down
and magazines and that for him to read.

They took me to
a child psychologist in the end.

'Cause they found me
with me head down the bowl

reading him the football results.

I knew he was dead.
I mean, they're all dead, aren't they?

It's just, getting that letter makes it
seem like it happened yesterday.

- You never said much about him.
- No.

- You must have been pretty close.
- Close?

- Sorry. Very close.
- Close?

I hated him!

I detested his fat,
stupid guts, the pop-eyed, balding git.

Eh?

He always wanted to join
the Space Corps, be an officer,

but they wouldn't take him

because he was an inch
below regulation height.

One inch. I had three brothers.

When we were young,
he bought a traction machine

so that he could stretch us.

By the time my brother Frank was 11,
he was 6'5".

Every morning, he'd measure us.

If we hadn't grown, back on the rack.

Sounds like he had a screw loose.

I don't think he had
one screw fully tightened

to be perfectly honest with you.

He had this fixation that
we all had to get into the Space Corps.

At meal times, he'd ask us questions
on astronavigation.

If we got them wrong, no food.

God, Rimmer, how did you cope with that?

I didn't. I nearly died of malnutrition.

I had no idea.
I thought you adored your parents.

- When I was 14, I divorced them.
- What?

I took them to court. I got
paid maintenance till employment age

and access every fourth weekend
to the family dog.

So, why are you so completely blown away
about him dying, then?

Oh, it doesn't mean to say I didn't
respect him, didn't look up to him.

It was only natural. He was my father.

There's nothing natural
about your family, Rimmer.

It's just... I always wanted just ones,
just ones,

for him to say to me,

"Well done."

- For what?
- For something, for anything.

I wanted him to be proud of me,
just once. And now...

CAT: Ow!

My stomach has been pumped
and now I'm hungry!

Hey, there you are!

Hey, man, I'm so hungry,
I just have to eat.

- Rimmer's dad's died.
- I'd prefer chicken.

Good evening. Here is the news
on Friday 27th of Geldof.

Archaeologists near Mount Sinai
have discovered what is believed to be

a missing page from the Bible.

The page is presently being
carbon dated in Bonn.

If genuine, it belongs at the beginning
of the Bible, and is believed to read,

”To my darling Candy.

”All characters portrayed
within this book are fictitious,

and any resemblance to persons living
or dead is purely coincidental. ”

The page has been universally condemned
by church leaders.

Europe. A terrorist representing
the Revolutionary Working Front,

a fanatical left-wing group dedicated...

- Listen...
- Pause!

About your father. If it's any help,
he's in the ground now.

Sure, it's bad news for him,

but on the other hand, it's party time
for all the little worms.

There's just no consoling him.

Rimmer, listen.
Me and the Cat are gonna go play a TIV.

Wondered if you wanted to come.

Come on. Holly says he can key you in.

No?

RIMMER: Play.

...middle class was arrested today.
The man, Henri Leclerc,

was attempting
to poison the mineral spring in France

which is the source
of all the world 's Perrier water.

Had he succeeded, experts believe

the middle class
would have been wiped out

within three weeks.

In techno news, the new sensation
sweeping the solar system

is the Total Immersion Video game
Better Than Life.

Using the new Sense Lock
feedback technique,

Better Than Life is able to
detect all your desires and fantasies

and then make them come true.

So great is the appeal of
Better Than Life,

when one store in New Tokyo
ran out of stocks,

rubber nuclear weapons had to be
deployed to disperse the crowds.

Sport. England's underwater
hockey team's tour of Titan...

- Better Than Life it is!
- Brilliant!

Let's play!

(GIGGLES)

Key me in, Holly.

(SIGHS)

(SEAGULLS SQUAWKING)

What sort of game is this?

It's incredible.
It’s just like being here.

- DAVID: Yes!
- Boop-boop-be-doop.

That's what's-her-name,
the actress from the 20th century!

Er... Mary Magdalene.

It's Marilyn Monroe, you gimp.
I think she fancies you.

What does that prove? She's not blind.

Hey, baby, I'm a little busy right now.
I'll catch you later, okay?

It's absolutely incredible.

Look! Look!

(PANTING)

Excuse me. Excuse me.
You're probably really busy,

but can I just say you are
my all-time favourite fascist dictator.

I mean, I've read all your war diaries.

And your Italian campaign was brilliant!

Um, could you just sign this for me?

Make it out to, "My good pal, Arnie.

From your dear chum,
Napoléon Bonaparte."

It's not for me, it's for my sister
Alison. Uh, we call her Arnie.

Napoléon Bonaparte's autograph.

Gentlemen. Welcome to Better Than Life.

Now, you must be hungry,

and there's a restaurant
just a couple of miles down the beach.

Couple of miles?
How are we supposed to get there?

Any way you want.
After all, this is Better Than Life.

Any way we want?

(CAT GIGGLES)

Yo!

Roll it!

I'm thinking too small. Think big!

(EXHALES) That's more like it.

(CHUCKLES)

(EXHALES)

(BRASS BAND PLAYING ON RADIO)

(HUMMING)

- McGruder!
- Hi, tiger!

(BOTH GROWLING)

I bet you're wearing
a peephole bra under there, eh?

Yes, I am.

(GRUNTS)

We're just one thing away
from perfection.

Bliss.

(SLURPING)

Where's Rimmer?
I thought he was right behind us.

Your caviar vindaloo, sir.

Half rice, half chips and lots more
bread and butter to follow.

I never thought I'd see the day

when I could eat
something as classy as this, you know?

This is Better Than Life, sir.

And yours was the fish, sir?

What are you doing?

I always do this
when someone gives me food.

As ordered, sir. A small aquarium.

Are you sure you wouldn't like
your fish cooked?

No, sir. I like my food to move.

#I'm going to eat you, little fishy

Mr Rimmer... Sir!

They're on table K
on the second terrace.

Excellent.

#I'm going to eat you, little fishy

#I'm going to eat you, little fishy

# 'Cause I like little fish #

I'm sorry. I don't know what happened.

I was driving along
and suddenly there was McGruder.

Well, one thing led to another, and...

Good God, this is a great game!

Twice in one lifetime?
I'm turning into Hugh Hefner.

- Rimmer, you can touch things?
- I know. Why do you think I was so late?

- Have you checked into your room yet?
- What room?

I mean, mine is absolutely brilliant.

I've got this vibrating leopard skin
waterbed in the shape of a guitar.

Yeah? Well, you should
take a look at my wardrobe.

It's so big,
it crosses an international time zone.

When it's 3:00 where my shirts are,

it's 7:00 in the morning for my socks.

- MAN: Admiral?
- What about my electronic lavvy?

I mean, this thing
comes when you call it,

takes your trousers down,
does everything for you.

- It's just so stylish.
- MAN: Admiral!

Who is that?

Just because some hoity-toity,
gonad-brain gimp knows an admiral,

does he have to broadcast it?

MAN: Admiral Rimmer, sir.

Yawn-o-rama City.
We know an admiral. Come on.

Admiral Rimmer, sir, Field Marshal
Clifton sends his compliments

and wonders if you'd care to join him
for port and cigars.

I think there must be some mistake.
I'm not an admiral.

I love this game.

Gentlemen, do excuse me.

Dom Pérignon '44, sir,

in a pint mug as requested.

Thank you.

That's a good year.

So, I said to Hollister...

I can't actually remember exactly
what I said to him,

but it was one of
the most enormously cruel

and frighteningly witty put-downs ever.

(ALL GUFFAWING)

Oh, bravo, sir! Bravo...

Sir, I know it's the most awful bore,

but would you mind just signing this?

What's that, you little pipsqueak?

”My Incredible Career
by Admiral AJ Rimmer."

I've read it 18 times, sir.

There you go, laddo.

Thank you, sir.
Gosh, I'll be the envy of the Academy.

- Father.
- Son.

What are you doing here?

I'm sorry to barge in
on you and your officer chummies, but...

- Yes?
- I just wanted to tell you...

- Yes?
- I just wanted to say...

- Yes?
- I just wanted to say...

You're a total smeghead.

What? This isn't my fantasy.

No, it's mine.

Yes! Whoo!

Hey, move over, man.
I want to plant my egg.

It's called a ball.

Are you trying to tell me
how to play this game?

You think cats never played golf? Okay.

(MIMICKING SPEEDING CAR)

(MIMICKING BRAKES)

- I'm really thirsty, you know.
- Yeah?

Yeah.

- Perhaps a banana bomb, sir.
- Thank you, my man.

MARILYN: Hi sugar.

How's about a bit of ooby-dooby-doo?

How's about a bit of ooby-dooby-don't?

What a pest!

All right? What's happening, dudes?

We're having a real nice time.

I'm dating Marilyn Monroe and also
have another girlfriend who's a mermaid.

She's half woman, half fish.

It's Miranda, my girlfriend. Yoo-hoo!

Somehow, I'd imagined she'd be
a woman on top and a fish on the bottom.

No. That's a stupid way round.

(CHILDREN SHOUTING)

(ARGUING)

Just don't ever do that again,
your whole life!

MCGRUDER: How dare you...

(CHILDREN SHRIEKING)

(BOTH ARGUING)

Rimmer, what happened to you?

Lister.

Ah, this is a great game, Lister.
I couldn't be happier.

- Who are all those guys?
- It's McGruder. She got pregnant.

So this morning she made me marry her,
and this afternoon we had seven kids.

Bliss.

Where's your E-Type?

It was too impractical,
with all the kids and everything.

Rimmer, you fantasised that you had
seven kids and a mortgage?

Help.

Arnold! Where are the nappy sacks?

My brain's rebelled.

It just won't accept
nice things happening to me.

It just keeps fantasising horribleness.

- Mr Rimmer?
- (MEEKLY) Yes?

Mr Arnold Judas Rimmer?

- Yes.
- Outland Revenue, sir.

- Oh, my God!
- This is a demand for immediate payment.

Eighteen thousand?

If you are unable to pay, sir,
I am instructed by the Revenue

to break both your legs
and pull off your thumbs,

sir.

What am I gonna do? I'm broke.

I'll pay, man. I'll pay. I'll pay.

Where's all me money gone?

Oh, no! I just fantasised it all away.

This is getting worse. Help me, please!

Don't move! A huge, black,
furry spider with big teeth

just crawled up your trouser leg.

I know! I just put it there.

It's the thing
I'm afraid of most in the whole world,

a tarantula crawling up my trousers.

Rimmer, this is getting out of hand.

Do you think I don't know that?

Ah! He's passed my knees,
into my boxers.

- Close your eyes and wish It away.
- I can't!

- Concentrate, man!
- I can't!

Oh! What's he done now?

- I'm sorry! I'm really sorry.
- What's going on?

Our faces have been smeared with jam

and we're about to be
eaten alive by killer ants.

- Why?
- Why not?

Oh, dear!
You can't take him anywhere, can you?

You've ruined this, Rimmer!

We're going to die!
We're gonna die and it's all my fault!

(ALL SCREAMING)

- You're a total dinglebat, aren't you?
- I'm sorry!

Yeah, we were having a great time

till you came along
with your diseased brain.

You're a bozo.

I can't help it.
Nice things just don't happen to me.

- Hey, what's that?
- It's a letter, it's for Rimmer.

"Dear sir, due to a computer error,

"you were wrongly informed that you had
failed the astronavigation exam.

"In fact, you've passed with honours

"and you are hereby promoted
to Navigation Officer First Class.

We enclose your pips and insignia."
Smegging hell!

Who said you was a loser, eh? Who said
nice things don't happen to you?

- I did.
- We're still In the game?

You certainly are.
Now, what about my 18 grand?

Come on,
It's bone-crunching time, my old china.

Now, where's those little thumbies?

# It's cold outside
There's no kind of atmosphere

#I'm all alone, more or less

# Let me fly Far away from here

# Fun, fun, fun

#ln the sun, sun, sun

# I want to lie
Shipwrecked and comatose

# Drinking fresh mango juice

# Goldfish shoals
Nibbling at my toes

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun #