All language subtitles for Red Dwarf S04E02 D.N.A.

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

(SIREN BLARING)

HOLLY: Abandon ship!
Abandon ship! Black hole approaching.

This is not a drill. This is a drill...

(DRILLING)

Abandon ship! Oh, God!
Now the siren's bust.

(HOLLY IMITATING SIREN)

Abandon ship!

But a black hole is a huge,
impacted star.

It's millions of miles wide.
It's massive.

Why didn't you see anything
on the radar screen?

Well, the thing about a black hole,

its main distinguishing feature,
ls its black.

And the thing about space,
the color of space,

your basic space color, is its black.

So, how are you supposed to see them?

But five of them.

How can you be ambushed
by five black holes?

It's always the way, innit?

We've been in deep space
for three million years,

and there hasn't been one,

then, all of a sudden,
five of them turn up at once.

Come on. We've only got 20 minutes.

Careful, careful. Mind the hatchway.
Don't knock it.

What do you want to bring
this piece of junk for?

That piece of junk happens to be
a Javanese camphor wood chest.

It belonged to my father,
and it's got all my valuables in it.

I never knew you had so much crap.

What's this? Toy soldiers?

Toy soldiers?
They've been in our family for years.

They're priceless 19th-century replicas
of Napoleon's Armee du Nord.

So you can't change the clothes
and that like you can with Sindy?

Look, we've got barely 15 minutes.

What the smeg is this?

Just what little I've managed
to scrimp and scrape

by tossing the odd copper aside
for a rainy day.

Rimmer, there must be 20 grand here.

Twenty four. I thought we were
supposed to be getting off the ship.

Twenty four thousand?

And you had the front
to borrow money off me

to buy me a birthday present?

That's going back a bit, Lister.
It was only 15 quid.

Right, yeah, 15 quid.
And what did I get?

A five-quid book token.

Those cards aren't free, you know.

I had to fork out for that as well.

Rimmer, you never even paid me back.

Honestly, you're tighter
than an Italian waiter's keks.

Blue Midget is loaded.

Aren't you guys ready yet?

Don't hang around for us.
We'll catch you up.

-Sure you've got everything?
-Just the bare essentials.

Food and medical supplies.

Yeah, I'm just taking
the bare essentials, too.

Thirty-six changes of clothing
and 10 full-length dress mirrors.

Cat, we're going to be away
for 12 hours.

You think I need more mirrors?

Let's get out of here. Let's go, go, go!

(WHOOSHING)

All right, I want a safe,
sensible drive. No stunts.

No worries.

HOLLY: Okay, this is the plan.

I'll navigate Red Dwarf through
the minefield of the black holes.

If all goes well, we'll rendezvous
on the desert moon Sigma 14D.

LISTER: What happens
if all doesn't go well?

HOLLY: Well Red Dwarf
and everything in it

will be compacted down
to the size of a small garden pea.

LISTER: Bye-bye, Birds Eye.

Please. Honestly, they're priceless.

I'm only having a goosie.

Look, if you get curry all over them,
how is that gonna look?

What's Lieutenant General
Baron Jaquinaux

of the First Cavalry Division
supposed to be doing

with meat vindaloo all over his tunic?

It'll make him look more authentic.

People will think he's got dysentery.

You're obsessed with war, though,
aren't you?

I mean, you collect toy soldiers.
You play war games.

You read all those stupid
combat magazines.

And half of your books are about Patton
and Caesar, and various other gits.

It's about leadership.
That's what I admire.

It's just so ironic, really,

when, deep down, you're such a basic,
natural coward.

Coward?

Planet leave. Miranda.

That space bar at the Hacienda.
Remember that?

When that fight started up, Rimmer,
you were out of that door

quicker than a whippet
with a bum full of dynamite.

But that was a bar-room brawl.
That was a common pub fight,

a shambolic drunken set-to.

Which you started.

I just made an innocuous comment.

I merely voiced the rumor
that MacWilliams was sexually tilted

in favour of sleeping with the dead.

I didn't start the rumor.
I merely voiced it.

To his face, right to his face,

when he was with his four biggest mates,

and then, you do your roadrunner act,
and you leave me to face the music.

Well, I could've got hurt.

(SCOFFS) You'd have made
a brilliant general, wouldn't you?

Lister, generals don't smash chairs
over people's heads.

They don't get Newcastle Brown bottles,
stick them in your face

and say, "Stitch that, Jimmy."

Generals are in the nice,
white tent on the hill,

sipping Sancerre, directing the battle.

-They're men of hon our.
-I don't believe it. You make...

You make war sound romantic.

I'll tell you something,
something I've never told anyone.

When I was 15,
I went on a school trip to Macedonia

to the site of
Alexander the Great's palace.

And for the first time
in my whole life, I felt...

I felt I was home.
This palace was where I belonged.

Years later, I got friendly
with a hypnotherapist, Donald,

and I told him all about
the Alexander the Great thing.

And he said he could regress me back
through my past lives.

I was dubious,
but I let him put me back.

It turned out my instincts
were absolutely correct.

I had lived a past life in Macedonia.
That palace was my home.

Because you see, Lister,
believe it or not,

he told me that
in a previous incarnation,

I was Alexander the Great's
chief eunuch.

Do you know something? I believe ya.

He didn't say I was
Alexander the Great himself,

which is obviously
what I wanted to hear,

but it explained everything.

I'd lived a past life alongside
one of the greatest generals in history.

No wonder the military is in my blood.

No wonder you're such a good singer.

Maybe it's tot, I don't know.
But it's funny, even to this day,

I can't look at a pair of nutcrackers
without wincing.

And why is it every time
I'm with a large group of women,

I have this overwhelming urge
to bathe them all in warm olive oil?

Rimmer, I have that urge.
It's got nothing to do with past lives.

-Well, why is it, then?
-It's because...

It's because you're unhappy.

You're unhappy with your own boring,
humdrum, weaselly existence.

You're looking for something
with a bit more, I don't know, glamour.

But now is what counts,
Rimmer, living for today.

I mean, who knows
what's gonna happen tomorrow?

Who knows what's gonna happen
in the next five minutes?

That's what makes life so exciting.

(DRONING)

(WIND HOWLING)

(WIND BLOWING HEAVILY)

(DOOR CLOSES WITH A THUD)

(YELPS)

(SCREAMING)

-Mayday. Mayday.
-(STATIC BUZZING ON RADIO)

Can you read me? Come in, please.
Can you read me?

(LISTER EXHALES)

Still snowing, is it?

It's useless. You can hardly stand up,
never mind dig it out.

-No luck?
-Nothing is getting through.

Three smegging days.
They must be looking for us by now.

Where the smeg are they?

It's impossible to find us
in this weather.

They could be 10 feet away
and walk straight past us.

We're going to die, aren't we?
How much food is there?

There's half a bag
of soggy smoky bacon crisps,

a tin of mustard powder,
three water biscuits,

a brown lemon, two bottles of vinegar

and a tube of Bonjela gum ointment.

Gum ointment?

I found it in the first-aid box.

It's that minty flavour.
It's quite nice.

It's quite nice if you smear it
on your mouth ulcer, Rimmer.

You can't sit down and eat it.

You may have to.

And that's it? There's nothing else?

Just a Pot Noodle.

Oh, and I found a tin of dog food
in the tool cupboard.

Well, it's obvious what gets eaten last,
then, isn't it?

I can't stand Pot Noodles.

We're going to die, aren't we?
Correction, I'm going to die.

I mean, you're a hologram.

You're already dead.
You don't need food.

-Did you find any wood?
-There's no wood out there.

There's no vegetation, smeg all.
Just a... Just a wasteland.

You've got to keep this fire going.
It's your only form of heat.

I'm going to die, aren't I?

God, I'm hungry.
I'm gonna have the crisps.

-No.
-Just one.

You ate less than 16 hours ago.

I had the raw sprout

and that piece of chewing gum
I found stuck under the desk.

Look, you've got to pace yourself.
Go to sleep. Wait till tomorrow.

It's okay for you. You're a hologram.

You don't need to eat.
You don't even feel the cold.

Look, think of something else.
Try to take your mind off it.

Mayday. Mayday.

-I wonder why they call it Mayday.
-Eh?

The distress call.
Wonder why it's Mayday.

It's only a bank holiday.

Why not Shrove Tuesday
or Ascension Sunday?

Ascension Sunday. Ascension Sunday.

The 15th Wednesday after Pentecost.
The 15th Wednesday after Pentecost.

It's French, you do ink.
M'aider. Help me.

-Me aider.
-Is that right?

Everywhere I look reminds me of food.

Look at these books. Charles Lamb.

Herman Wouk.

The complete works of Sir Francis Bacon.

Eric Van Lustbader.

Eric Van Lustbader?
What's he got to do with food?

Van. Meat van. Bread van. Foods!

Look, you're getting obsessed.

It's just these books. It's like someone
put them here to taunt me.

Look at this one, The Caretaker
by Harold Pint-er.

It's Pinter.

Look, stop thinking about food.

Take me mind off it, then.
Talk to me about something.

-Like what?
-Anything.

-Um...
-Come on.

-Anything apart from food?
-Don't talk about food.

I just can't think of another topic.

Don't mention Topics. They're food!

Tell me a story, man. Any story.

I don't know any stories.

Anything.

-Tell me how you lost your virginity.
-My what?

-Talk to me.
-How I lost it?

Well, it was so long ago, Lister.

I was so young and sexually precocious,
I'm not sure I can remember.

Rimmer, everyone can remember
how they lost their virginity.

It's just one of those things,
like everyone can remember

where they were the day
Cliff Richard was shot.

Or when the first woman landed on Pluto.

Or when they installed
the gigantic toupee over the earth

to cover the gap in the ozone layer.

It's just one of those things
you always remember.

Well, I don't. Good grief,
you could hardly expect me to recall

every single sexual liaison
I've ever partaken of.

What do you think I am, the Memory Man?

Rimmer, don't give me this.
I want the truth.

-The truth?
-Yeah.

There's not much to tell, really.

I was always a bit
of a fish out of water around women.

Never know what to say to them.

(SIGHING) I never think
I was very highly sexed,

to be honest with you.

I think it was all that school cabbage
I was forced to eat as a boy.

Still, the first ever time...

The first time was with this girl
I met at cadet school called Sandra.

We did it in the back
of my brother's car.

-What was it like?
-Brilliant. Incredible.

Bentley V8 convertible.

Walnut burr panelling.
Marvelous machine. Marvelous.

-So, come on, how did you lose yours?
-Michelle Fisher.

The ninth hole
of the Bootle Municipal Golf Course.

Par four, dogleg to the right,
in the bunker behind the green.

You lost your virginity
on a golf course?

How did you have the nerve?

It wasn't in the middle
of the Ryder Cup or anything.

-It was midnight.
-How old were you?

She was so good-looking. If she wanted,

she could have got a job working behind
the perfume counter at Lewis's.

That's how gorgeous she was.

-How old were you?
-She took all her clothes off

and stood there in front of me
completely naked.

I was so excited,
I nearly dropped me skateboard.

-Skateboard? How old were you?
-Twelve.

Twelve?

-Twelve years old?
-Yeah.

You lost your virginity
when you were 127

Yeah.

Twelve?

You can't have been a full member
of the golf club, then.

Of course I wasn't!

You did it on a golf course
and you weren't a member?

Of course I wasn't.

You didn't pay
any green fees or anything?

It was just a place to go.

I used to play golf.
I hate people who abuse the facilities.

I hope you raked
the sand back nicely before you left.

That would be a hell of a lie
to get into, wouldn't it?

Competition the next day, your ball
lands in Lister's buttock crevice.

You'd need more than a niblick
to get that one out.

-Are you saying I've got a big bum?
-Big?

It's like two badly-parked Volkswagens.

The only thing I ever lost
when I was 12 were my shoes

with the compass in the heel
and the animal tracks on the soles.

Porky Roebuck threw them

in the septic tank
behind the sports ground.

I cried for weeks. I was wearing them.

I never even thought about sex
when I was 12.

Maybe that's because you used to be
Alexander the Great's chief eunuch.

-What are you doing?
-There's nothing left to burn.

-My books! Don't burn my books!
-There's nothing else left.

But it's obscene.
A book is a thing of beauty.

It's the voice of freedom,
the essence of civilization.

Biggles Learns to Fly?

Well, perhaps not that one,
but you know what I'm saying.

The Complete Works of Shakespeare.

This'll be good for a couple of hours.

I don't know. Three days without food,

and the walls of civilization
come tumbling down.

What are you on about?

They say that any society
is three meals away from revolution.

Deprive a culture of food

for three meals,
and you'll have anarchy.

And it's true, isn't it?

You've gone without food for two days,
and you're turning into a barbarian.

-I'm just burning a book.
-But it's not just a book.

It's the only copy of probably
the greatest work in English literature.

Probably the only copy left
in the entire universe,

and you're quite happy
to chuck it on the fire

to keep your mitts warm for 15 minutes.

There's nothing left to burn.

That's it, then, is it?
Toodle-pip, King Lear.

Farewell, Macbeth. Bye-bye, Hamlet.

Have you ever actually read any of it?

I've seen West Side Story.
That's based on one.

Have you ever actually read any of it?

Not all the way through, no.

-But I can quote some, though.
-Well, go on, then.

"Now..."

That's all I can remember.

-What's that from, then?
-Richard III, you moron.

That brilliant "now" speech
he does at the beginning.

"Now, something, something,
something, something."

Oh, it's brilliant. Unforgettable.

I'll save it until last. Lolita.

Is it okay if I burn Lolita?

Save page 61.

That bit.

That's disgusting.

(WIND HOWLING)

And you can take that look off your face

like I'm doing something disgusting.
I'm just trying to stay alive.

You're going to eat the dog food.

Yeah. Yeah.
I haven't eaten for six days.

I'm going to eat the dog food.

I'm sure the dog food will be lovely.

Rimmer, this isn't dog food.

It's a piece of prime fillet steak
in blue cheese sauce.

It's been charcoal-broiled
in garlic butter,

and it's going to taste delicious.

Delicious. Delicious.

Well, now I can see
why dogs lick their testicles.

It's to take away the taste of the food.

The stove's getting low.
Better throw another book on.

That's the last one.

What, you've burnt all of them?

When we get through to Act Five
of Henry VIII, I'm a dead man.

There must be something else to burn.

No, not the trunk.

It's Javanese camphor wood.
It's priceless.

There's nothing else to burn

except the trunk
and what's in the trunk.

Now, wait a minute!
Not Napoleon's Armee du Nord.

Rimmer, get real, man. What's important?

If it burns, we burn it.
What's the least valuable?

Not the trunk.
My father gave me that trunk.

-Well, the soldiers, then.
-But they're 19th century.

They're irreplaceable.

They were hand-carved
by the legendary Dubois brothers.

Well, then?

Better start unpacking the soldiers.

No. There must be something else
to burn. There must be.

Rimmer, there isn't. I've looked.

Look, I know it must be
a bit of a bummer.

I mean, I know it must be heartbreaking,
but it's just stuff.

It's only possessions.
They're only... They're only things.

In the end, they're not important.

I mean, they might go for a bundle
in some swanky Islington antique shop,

but right here and right now,
all they are is nicely-painted firewood.

This isn't happening. It's a nightmare.

I mean, you've got to get
your priorities right.

You know,
it's like those people you read about

who run back into
a burning house to rescue

some treasured piece of furniture
and wind up burning to death.

I mean, nothing's more important
than a human life.

-What about your guitar?
-Except my guitar.

Why didn't we think of it before?
We can burn your guitar.

-Not my guitar, Rimmer.
-It's made of wood.

Yeah, but it's my guitar.
I've had it since I was 16.

That is an authentic Les Paul copy.

It's not worth anything.
It's just a thing, just a possession.

Yeah, but it's mine.

How is it any different
from my soldiers?

That's my lifeline. I need that guitar.

I mean, when it gets to me...

I mean, the loneliness and all that...

When it gets on top of me,
it's me only means of escape.

I mean, I know I'm not exactly
a wizard on it.

I know it's only got five strings
and three of them are G,

but through the whole of me life,
I've never had anything to cling onto.

No roots, no parents, no education.

-No education?
-I went to art college.

All I've ever had is that guitar.

It's the only thing through
the whole of my miserable, smegging life

that hasn't walked out on me.

Don't make me burn it.

We've got to.

Look, I know
this might sound stupid, like,

but can I just play one song on it,
just one for the road?

Sure. Sure. I mean,
I'm not enjoying this.

I know, man. Thanks.

(STRUMMING OFF-KEY)

# She's out of my life

# I don't know whether to laugh or cry #

Me step-dad taught me this one.

It's the first song
I ever learned to play.

(CLEARS THROAT) I'm just going to...

# I don't know whether to live or die

# She's out of my

# Life #

(WIND BLOWING)

-I don't know what to say.
-There's nothing to say.

You've made a supreme sacrifice.
You know that?

A supreme sacrifice.

Had to be done.

I've been judging the book
by its cover, haven't I?

All these years,
that's what I've been doing.

And, when it really comes down to it,
you are one heck of a regular guy.

There's no point being modest.
I know what that guitar meant to you.

It means exactly the same
as that trunk means to me.

If that trunk got so much as scratched,
I would be devastated.

It's not the outward value.
To me, that trunk is a link to the past,

a link to the father I never managed
to square things with.

Is it?

That trunk is the only thing
he ever gave me,

apart from...
Apart from his disappointment.

And you've shown me,

by burning your guitar,
what true value really is.

Decency. Self-sacrifice.

Those are the things
that make up real wealth,

and from where I'm standing,
I'm a pretty rich man.

-Oh, God.
-Burn the soldiers.

-No, not the soldiers as well.
-You burnt your guitar.

I want to make a sacrifice, too.

Burn the Armee du Nord.
Cast them to the flames.

Let them lay down their lives
for the sake of friendship.

(SNIFFING)

What's that smell?

What smell? I can't smell any smell.

Camphor wood.

Your guitar was made of camphor wood.

It must have been worth a fortune.

Burn the soldiers. Burn them right now.

(WIND HOWLING)

Look, there they are!

Mush! Mush!

(RIMMER HUMMING LAST POST)

(SPEAKING IN FRENCH)

There's something I've got to tell you,
something awful.

If it's about how you finished off
the dog food, Dave, I understand.

No, it's not about that...

Hey! Hey! Hey!

(WHOOPING)

-Cat! Kryten!
-We made it! We made it!

Food! You brought food!

So, where have you been
over the last few days?

Oh, we rendezvoused with Holly.

Then, when you didn't
show up after two days,

I said we should go and look for you.

Yeah, we've been everywhere.
Fourteen moons, two planets.

I've been so worried,
I haven't buffed my shoes for two days.

So Holly managed to navigate her way
through five black holes?

As it transpired,
there weren't any black holes.

But you saw them on the monitor.

They weren't black holes.

-What were they?
-Grit.

Five specks of grit
on the scanner-scope.

You see, the thing about grit
ls it's black,

and the thing about the scanner-scope...

-Oh, shut up.
-Let's go.

Something happened here, Kryten.

Something that made him and me closer.

I saw a side of Dave Lister
that I never, ever knew existed.

He's not an irresponsible,

selfish drifter always out
for number one.

He's a man. A man of hon our.

Excuse me.

Open the trunk.

Kryten, get the hacksaw and follow me.

Where are we going?

We're going to do to Lister what
Alexander the Great once did to me.

# It's cold outside
There's no kind of atmosphere

# I'm all alone, more or less

# Let me fly far away from here

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun

# I want to lie shipwrecked and comatose

# Drinking fresh mango juice

# Goldfish shoals nibbling at my toes

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun #