All language subtitles for Red Dwarf S04E01 Camille

(THEME MUSIC PLAYING)

Okay let's try again.

-What is it?
-It's a banana.

No, it isn't. Try again.
What is it?

-It's a banana?
-No, it isn't. What is it?

It's an urrrr...
It's an urrrr...

It's an orange. Go on, say it.
It's an orange.

This is an orange.

It's an orrrr...

It's an orrrr...

It's a banana. It's no good, sir.
I just can't do it.

You can do it. I'm gonna teach you how.
Okay, what's this?

-It's an ap...
-No, no, no. What is it?

Oh, it's no good, sir.

I just can't lie. I'm programmed always
to tell the truth.

Kryten, it's easy. Look.
An orange, a melon,

a female aardvark.

Oh, that is just so superb, sir!
How do you do that?

Especially calling
a banana an aardvark.

An aardvark isn't even a fruit.
It's total genius.

Let's start again.

Sir, my head is spinning.
We've been doing this all morning.

Kryten, I'm going to teach you
to lie and cheat,

if it's the last thing I do!

I want you to be unpleasant,
cruel and sarcastic.

It's the only way to break
your programming, man.

Make you independent!

Well, I'm truly grateful, sir.

Don't you think I'd love to be
deceitful, unpleasant and offensive?

Those are the human qualities
I admire the most.

But I just can't do it.

-You can!
-I can't.

-Look, what's this?
-No!

-What is it?
-Please!

-Come on. What is it?
-It's a... It's a...

It's a small, off-duty Czechoslovakian
traffic warden.

Yes! You did it! You did it!
What's this?

It's a red and blue striped
golfing umbrella.

Kryten! Yes!

-What's this?
-It's an apple.

-No. What is it?
-(STUTTERS) It's a... It's...

It's the Bolivian navy on man-oeuvres in
the South Pacific.

-Kryten, man, you can do it.
-No, I can't.

Yes, you...
Whoa, nice one!

Well, I can't hang
around here.

I'd better go away and
take the penguin for a walk.

I can do it!
I did it again! I can lie!

-Cat, Cat, come here. Check this.
-Check what?

Concentrate, Kryten.

-What's this?
-It's a banana.

-What's this?
-It's an orange.

-What's this?
-(IN SQUEAKY VOICE) Apple.

You taught him that?
That's terrific!

You two should audition
for What's My Fruit?

-He did it wrong, man.
-Oh, it gets better?

-I just can't do it.
-You can, you just did it.

I just can't do it, not when
there's someone else there.

What's a suitable human analogy?

It's like trying to urinate
in a public lavatory

when you're standing
next to a man two foot taller than you.

It's just not possible.

What are you trying to do, exactly?

He's trying to teach me how to lie, sir.

Any particular reason?

Yeah. Lying's a vital part of your
psychological defense system.

You're naked without it.

If you can't lie, then you can't conceal
your true intentions

from other people.
Sometimes that's essential.

I mean, like, take Nelson.

When he put the telescope to his
blind eye and said, "I see no ships!"

Or like Humphrey Bogart
at the end of Casablanca

when he lies to Victor Laszlo,
to protect the guy's feelings.

I understand the theory, sir.

How many times have you
made me watch that movie?

I understand that it can
be noble to lie, I just can't do it.

Kryten, you can, look.

-What's this?
-It's a banana.

It always has been a banana.
It always will be a banana.

It's a yellow fruit that you unzip
and eat the white bits.

It's a banana.

-Lister, have you got Kryten with you?
-Yeah, what's the prob?

The problem is I've been waiting fully
20 minutes for him in the hangar.

Oh, spin my nipple nuts
and send me to Alaska!

I'm supposed to take him
asteroid spotting.

-I'll be right down, sir.
-You'd better be.

Kryten, remember yesterday's class on
Introduction to Insults?

-I'm not sure...
-Now, how do we describe

the gentleman who's just been
on the screen?

-He's Mr...
-No, no, no. Come on. He's a...

-He's a smeee...
-Nearly. Come on. Nearly.

-He's a smeee...
-He's a...

He's a smeee...
He's a smeeeg...

Heeeeead.

I did it!

Brutal. Now the ultimate test,
can you say it to him in person?

Ah, Kryten. At last.

Glad you could make it
this millennium.

Smeeeee...

-Pardon?
-Smeeeee... heeeee...

-What?
-You're a Smeeeee... heeeee...

Oh, forget it.

Kryten, is there any possibility
we could go just a little bit faster?

I mean, so we're not
being overtaken by stationary objects?

Sir, you're a Smeeeee...

A smee.

A Smeeeee... heeeee...

A smee-hee.

A complete and total one.

Hang about, I'm picking something up.
Some kind of distress beacon.

-(ALARM RINGING)
-I copy that, Holly.

Quadrant four-niner-seven.

-What is it?
-Hard to tell But whatever it is,

it appears to be marooned
on a planet in decaying orbit.

What's the safety margin?

The planet will explode
in about two hours.

Forget it, it's too dangerous.
Kryten, head for home.

We can't just leave them there, sir.
There may be survivors.

Leave it, Kryten.
That's an order.

(PINGING)

-What are you doing?
-I'm not plotting a course, sir.

Nor am I taking her down.

Yes, you are.

Neither am I rendezvousing
with the crashed vessel

nor seeking for survivors.

Kryten, you are committing
an act of mutiny.

I could have you dismantled for this.

Smeeeee... heeeee...

Oh, damn my programming!

They're not back yet?
They've been hours.

-No sign. What are you watching?
-Oh, just a video.

-This is a classic, man.
-What is it?

Tales of the River Bank:
The Next Generation.

Oh, right, I've seen this.
It's not as good as the original.

Well, they never did find anyone to
replace Hammy Hamster, did they?

How could they?
The dude was a diva, he smouldered.

The camera loved him.

Yeah, he was the rodent
equivalent of Marlon Brando.

Whatever happened...
Whatever happened to old Hammy?

One minute he's a huge star running

around on his own
personalised gold wheel

with as much Edam as
he could hold in his little cheeks.

The next? Obscurity.

He went on a slide,
the series ended,

couldn't find any more work
and then the ultimate humiliation...

Hamster-grams.

Well thanks a bunch.
Thanks a smegging buncharoony.

Rimmer, where are you?

That idiot droid has
endangered this entire vessel

by landing on a planet
that's about to explode,

thanks to your foundation
course in Advanced Rebellion.

Why?

So he can go and search
some stars hip escape vessel

because there's a million-to-one chance
there may be a survivor.

What, and you let him go off on his own?

Of course I let him go on his own.
I was glad to get rid of him.

He's flipped.
He's got mad droid disease.

He kept waving a banana in front of me
and calling it a female aardvark.

Well... (CLEARS THROAT)

You'd better get after him,
then, haven't you?

-He might need help.
-Lister, this is all your fault.

Hello? Is there anyone here?

Can anyone read me?

Oh, dear.
What a terrible mess.

-(METAL CLANGING)
-(EXCLAIMING)

Help! Mr Rimmer, sir. Sir?

I thank you from the very bottom of
my re-hydration units.

You saved my life.

You responded to my distress call.
You saved mine.

My name is Kryten.

They call me Camille. Pleased
to make your acquaintance.

-Are you a 4,000 series?
-Yes, I'm the 4,000 series GTI.

GTI! Oh, wow!
I'm just a plain old 4,000 series.

You've got all the luxury extras,

like realistic toes
and a slide-back sunroof head.

Why are you looking at me like that?
Is there something wrong?

Sorry. Stare mode cancel.
It's just you have really amazing eyes.

Well, yeah, they're just the old 579s
with the automatic 15F-stop cornea.

If you like, I could pop them out
and you could borrow them.

Heck. What a jerky thing to say.

I don't believe you would ever say
anything which I would consider jerky.

-Really?
-Really.

Wow. Listen, I know this is going
to sound like a corny line,

but has anyone ever told you that

the configuration
and juxtaposition of your features

is extraordinarily apposite?

You really know
all the lines, don't you?

No, I really mean it.

The way the light catches the angles
in your head, it's enchanting.

-My name is Kryten.
-You already said.

Oh, yes. Gosh. You must
think me as stupid as a photocopier.

So, where are the crew?
What happened here?

Kryten, do you believe in advanced
mutual compatibility

on the basis of
a primary initial indent?

You mean what humans call
"love at first sight"?

That would be
an adequate synonym, yes.

Well, up until a few moments ago,

I would have said it had a
probability of zero squared.

-And now?
-(STAMMERS) This gantry is unstable.

I suggest you hang on to me.

Oh, what is that fragrance?
It smells divine.

-WD-40.
-I knew it.

I knew it. That's what I use
on my neck hinges, too.

Kryten, this shouldn't
be happening. Do you feel it, too?

You mean the 93.72%
compatibility factor?

-I make it 93.75.
-Oh, yes. I forgot to carry the three.

Then say it.
I want to hear the words.

Oh, but it sounds so
ridiculous coming from a mechanoid.

-Then say them in machine language.
-Okay.

In 280012, using hex rather than binary,
and converting to a basic ASC2 code,

Camille, I think I ES-A9-08-B7 you.

-You really mean that?
-Camille, I'd do anything for you.

I'd compute a three million
digit prime number

with prime roots if I thought it
would make you happy.

I'd evaluate pi to infinity
if it would make you smile.

Oh, Kryten. You make the most romantic
calculations.

RIMMER VIA RADIO:
Kryten, can you read me?

What's happening?

-There are others?
-Yes, why? What's wrong?

-I can't meet them.
-What do you mean?

The two of us alone,
we could make that work.

Please don't ask me to explain.

But, Camille, this whole planet is
about to blow. There isn't time.

Please, I can't meet
your shipmates. Trust me.

But you don't know them.
You'll like them. Well, some of them.

Well, one of them. Maybe.

Sir. I'm making my way back.

VIA RADIO: What's kept you?

I've found a survivor, sir.
We're coming in.

Kryten, please don't make
me do this. I'm begging you.

Now, just relax.
Everything's going to be fine.

Mr Rimmer, sir?

Where the smeg have you been?

Mr Rimmer, sir, this is Camille.

Camille, this is Second Tech Rimmer.
She saved my life, sir.

Yes, well... Howdy.

Howdy.

You see? I knew you'd get along.
Didn't I tell you?

Well, we haven't got much time.
I'd better go start up the engines

-and get us clear of the impact zone.
-I'll come with you.

No, no, no. You wait here
and get acquainted.

Can I get you anything?
Or anything?

No. No, no. I'm fine, thanks.

I just can't believe I've met another
hologram after all these years.

Yes. I was Second Technician
aboard that crate.

Second Technician?
That's what I am.

I always wanted to go further,

but I'm a real dope
when it comes to exams.

Me too.

So what do they call you?

Well, my first name is Arnold,

but the guys just generally call me...
Duke.

Duke?

Yes, well, they don't call me
Duke absolutely all the time.

In fact, sometimes months can elapse
and they won't call me Duke at all.

So don't call me
Duke in front of anyone...

Because they might have forgotten...

You know, that they call me Duke.

Sorry, I'm blabbering,
I'm not very good at small talk.

-Oh, I think you're perfectly charming.
-Do you?

Well, thank you. No one's ever said
I was charming before.

They've said, "Rimmer,
you're a total git."

But never charming, no.

-Well, I think you're very charming.
-Really?

Very, very charming.

Well, thank you. Thank you.

I'd just better go and see how...
Kryten's getting on.

Excusez-mol.

-She's quite something isn't she, sir?
-She's enchanting.

-You think so?
-She's got everything.

Style, taste, poise...

-She's absolutely lovely.
-Oh, I'm so glad you think so, sir.

I don't mind telling you, I think there
is some romance in the air.

You sly old dog, Krytie!
I think you're right.

Sure, her nose is a little loose,
but to me that's just cute.

I'll tell you something.

She's so like my sister-in-law
Janine, it's untrue.

Camille looks like
your sister-in-law?

What happened? Was she involved in
some kind of horrific car accident?

Who, Janine?
No, of course not. She was a model.

-And she looked like Camille?
-Absolutely.The resemblance is uncanny.

What did she model? Spark plugs?

I happen to think she's very attractive.

You do?

-Certainly.
-Do you think I'm attractive?

You? Of course not.

I think you look like
a giant half-chewed,

rubber-tipped pencil.

Well. Well, you can think what
the heck you like,

because there are some people
in this big old wide cosmos

who happen to think
I'm pretty amazing looking.

Especially in the eye department,
I thank you so very much.

(WHOOSHING)

You're back. I heard.

Sir, you haven't met
our visitor, Camille.

-Hi.
-Well, if you'll excuse me,

I'll go and prepare
your quarters.

The penthouse suite
on A-Deck should suffice.

(CHUCKLES)

Yeah, well, this looks fine.

If you'd just like
to remove your clothes,

we'll begin the examination.

Sorry. Dave Lister,
ship's surgeon.

-You're a surgeon?
-Well, I'm not fully qualified,

but I've seen every
episode of St. Elsewhere.

Still, if it makes
you feel uncomfortable,

we can completely dispense

with the physical examination
and go straight for the malpractice.

So just lie back, relax, and
I'll go turn on the laughing gas.

What you want? Giggles or guffaws?
It's all the same to me.

Something tells me
you're not really a doctor.

What gave it away?

The fact that I've gone fully 10 seconds
without patronizing you?

It's just... It's just weird,
you know.

The last two human beings
in an infinite cosmos

and we have to bump into each other.

Yeah, it is weird, isn't it?

You realise we have
an awesome responsibility.

We do?

Yeah, sure we do. We got to
rebuild the human race.

As quickly as possible.

Do you want to start now or do you
want to clean your teeth first?

-And they say romance is dead.
-Hey.

The prospect of making love to
a complete and total stranger

is just as galling to me,
you know.

We've gotta be completely
professional about this.

Totally clinical and unemotional.
You just lie back, relax,

and I'll go and slip into my
Spider-Man costume.

Ah, Listy. I see you've
met our ravishing guest.

Camille, have you seen Kryten?

He went up to
the penthouse suite on A-Deck.

Thanks muchly.

Oh, Camille... It's just
a silly thought, really,

but I thought perhaps after you've
settled in and you're feeling up to it,

we could pop up to
the projection room

and I could talk you through

my photo collection of
20th century telegraph poles.

Yeah, or if you fancy a slightly more
entertaining evening,

you can just let him take you outside
and shoot you through the head.

As it happens, Listy,

Camille is into telegraph poles
every bit as much a slam,

especially the 1952 Phase Fours
with the triple-reinforced wire.

-What? You're into telegraph poles?
-Of course not.

You see? What did I tell you?

And she's also a big fan of
Reggie Wilson.

-What? You like Hammond organ music?
-It's mindless pap.

Absolutely amazing, eh?
Reggie Wilson, telegraph poles...

It's uncanny how much
we've got in common.

-Are you okay, Rimmer?
-Never better.

Where is he, A-Deck?
Ciao for now.

-What was all that about?
-What about?

You know. You were saying one thing
and Rimmer was hearing another.

How do you do that?

Well, you'd probably
have worked it out eventually.

I'm a Pleasure GELF.

Hey, what's going on, buddy?

Eraser-head tells me she's a mechanoid

and Captain Sadness
makes out she's a hologram.

Well, she's both of those
and neither of those. She's a GELF.

-GELF?
-A Genetically Engineered Life Form.

She's a Pleasure GELF, created to be
everyone's perfect companion.

Everyone who looks at her
perceives her differently.

You see what you wanna see,
guy, what you most desire.

Are you telling me if I go into
that room, I'll see my perfect mate?

Mmm, yeah, and she'll fall instantly
in love with you.

What exquisite treasure
of loveliness lies behind those doors?

Well, knowing you, a 6-foot
Valkyrie warrior maiden in scanty arm our

with a cleavage
you can ski down.

Stop. You're making me dribble.

Well, here goes.

Hi, buddy.

-You're me!
-Who else?

I'm the object
of my own desire?

Can you think of anyone
more deserving?

Well, if you put it like that,
I guess you're right. Damn my vanity!

(BOTH EXCLAIMING)

What did you see?

Oh, just some gorgeous
chunk of loveliness.

Come on, what did you see?

-What a body!
-What did you see?

-My legs are still shaking.
-What did you see?

Someone get me a brandy!

Well, I should've guessed.
It was all a mighty bit too strange.

I mean, actually meeting

someone who didn't want
to vomit all over me

in complete loathing
and disgust.

I shouldn't take it so personally, sir.
It's the same for all of us.

We've all been made to feel foolish,
used, chewed-up and spat out.

Look, she didn't mean us any harm.

She can't control how we see her.

She's a mirror for our obsessions.

Holly, what did you see?

I didn't see anything
I don't think I've got any desires.

Either that, or me screen was foggy.

I guess I owe you all an apology.

Sorry, Dave.

Sorry, Duke.

-Sorry, buddy.
-Heart breaker!

I told you it wouldn't work,
Kryten, if there were others.

You're the one who's hurt the most.
You're not used to these emotions.

Why did you lie to me?

Because I felt something
really special for you.

Something I'd never felt before.

I knew if you saw me as I
really was, you'd be repelled.

Well, try me.

Turn away and I will change.
I'll change to what I really am.

(GURGLING)

I'm ready.

This is what I really look like.

Oh.

-What do you think?
-Well, I think you look... Really nice.

Nice? She looks like something
that dropped out of the Sphinx's nose!

He's right, I'm just
a huge green blob.

True, but as huge green blobs go,
I think you're really cute.

I don't believe you,

(SCOFFS) Okay, so you're never gonna
get on the cover of Vogue,

but, hey, neither am I.

-I think you're really sweet.
-You're lying.

-I can't lie. I'm a mechanoid.
-You really don't think I'm repulsive?

Of course not. There's some humans not
as attractive as you.

Take Karl Malden.
And he was a famous actor.

You think this
changes anything?

Camille, I'd be really grateful if
you would join me for dinner tonight.

You mean that?

Parrot's Bar on G-Deck.
I'll meet you there at 8:00.

(GASPS) Flats or heels?

(HUFFS)

I can't believe he's really
going through with this.

Look, if Kryten wants to take

an amorphous green blob for
a discreet tete-a-tentacle,

-I say good luck to him.
-Me too.

I mean, we all react
differently, don't we?

When Steve McQueen met
the Blob, he tried to kill it.

It probably never crossed his mind
to try and take it out to a restaurant.

I have a great idea.
They should go to a sushi bar!

At least that way the food won't look
better than his date.

Sir, I respect your sense
of dress more than anything

and I'd really appreciate
your opinion of this outfit.

Kryten, if I was going out
with a large ball of green slime,

that's how I'd dress.

Thank you, sir.
That means a lot to me. Well...

Don't wait up!

(SLURPING)

-Isn't this enchanting?
-Oh, Kryten,

do you think we could make it,
you and I?

It's the old, old story.

Droid meets droid.
Droid becomes chameleon.

Droid loses chameleon.

Chameleon becomes blob.
Droid gets blob back again.

-It's a classic tale.
-A toast, my love,

to us.

(THE BLUE DANUBE PLAYS)

Casablanca. What a movie.
I must have seen it a thousand times.

Lister used to use it as
part of my course.

It's littered with examples
of how lying can be noble.

From now on, my angel,
Casablanca will be our movie, and...

Sorry to gooseberry, Kryten,

but we've got a visitor
down in the hangar.

He wants to see Camille.

I was going to tell you,
Kryten. Truly I was.

You have a husband?

We're androgynous, but I suppose you
could call him my husband.

Hector has a brilliant mind.

He's been working on
an antidote for our condition for years.

-Hector's a blob, too?
-We're both blobs, Kryten.

I left him a long time ago.
I thought he'd given up looking.

-He must really think a lot of you.
-I guess.

So what are you going to do?

I'm going to tell him
I met someone else.

I'm going to tell him
I'm staying here with you.

Mr Lister, sir, would you be so kind
as to take Camille's bag on board?

Certainly, Kryten. Anything you say.

Why my bag, Kryten?

Because you're getting on
that craft with Hector where you belong.

-No, Kryten.
-Now you've got to listen to me.

Do you have any idea
what you've got to look forward to

if you stay here?

You're saying this only
to make me go.

We both know
you belong to Hector.

You're part of his work.
You're what keeps him going.

If you're not on that craft when
it leaves the hangar, you'll regret it,

maybe not today,
maybe not tomorrow,

but soon
and for the rest of your life.

-What about us?
-We'll always have Parrot's.

-Oh, Kryten.
-I'm no good at being noble, kid.

But it's pretty obvious
the problems of two blobs and a droid

don't amount to a hill
of beans in this crazy cosmos.

Are you ready, Camille?

I'm ready. Goodbye, Kryten.

God bless you.

You were lying, Kryten.

Yes, it hurt to do it, but it was her
best shot at happiness.

It's the old, old story.

Droid meets droid.
Droid becomes chameleon.

Droid loses chameleon.

Chameleon turns into blob.
Droid gets blob back again.

Blob meets blob.
Blob goes off with blob.

And droid loses blob,
chameleon and droid.

How many times have
we seen that story?

I suppose you're gonna blame me
for all this, aren't you?

Yes, I am.

Without your lessons,

without your bananas
and your movies and your aardvarks,

none of this could
have happened.

You're a complete
and total smeghead.

Brutal, Kryten.
You just insulted me.

Yes. I can lie, cheat
and be offensive now.

Kryten, this could be
the start of a beautiful friendship.

# It's cold outside,
there's no kind of atmosphere

# I'm all alone, more or less

# Let me fly far
away from here

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun

# I want to lie,
shipwrecked and comatose

# Drinking fresh mango juice

# Goldfish shoals
nibbling at my toes

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun

# Fun, fun, fun

# In the sun, sun, sun #