Original subtitles

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Mm... [grunts]

[laughs] I'm not doing it right, obviously.

- Mm, not doing too bad. - No!

Here. Here. [laughs]

Let me show you one more time, okay?

'Cause I don't want the muggers to get you.

Wait a minute. Listen to me.

You're pullin' okay, but you gotta get your hip into it.

You gotta get the lever into it. You understand?

Okay, go. Go.

[grunts]

[laughter]

Did you see, see how that worked, huh?

See what happens when you get the lever into it? Huh?

I, uh, I wouldn't mind staying here for the next few weeks,

but if, if we're gonna go

on that famous picnic, we'd better get started.

- Mm-hm. - Or the wine might get warm.

Yeah, yeah, I know... Yeah, the wine might get warm.

[phone ringing]

Your phone's running over.

I can't get to it.

Well, I guess I'll have to help you.

Here. There you go.

Yes?

Sam, they've promised you three days off

and I gotta go to San Francisco tomorrow--

Yeah, and it's for me, right? Hello.

Yeah.

Now look, I got three days off.

They say it's an emergency.

Yeah. Alright, yeah. Right, okay, I'll be there.

- Listen-- - "I'm real sorry.

But I've been called away."

[chuckles] Yeah.

Well, you just keep that candle burning.

I'm gonna be right back. You hear?

[instrumental music]

Oh, uh... keep working on the leverage.

[chuckles]

[theme music]

[music continues]

- Uh, Marshal McCloud. - Mr. Johnson?

- Yes, I'm Johnson. - Oh.

- Thank you for coming, marshal. - Oh, it's alright.

What, uh, what seems to be the trouble?

[sighs] It-- it's the beaver. Our New Mexico beaver.

Hasn't eaten a bite in three days.

- Huh? A beaver? - Yeah.

Yeah, we've been told that you're familiar

with the New Mexico wildlife.

And our regular vet came down with some kind of rash.

He's in the hospital getting some tests.

Now, we need some help, marshal.

That beaver has got to be made to eat.

[indistinct chatter]

Of course, you know there are all kinds of beavers. [chuckles]

I've seen some with habits that you wouldn't believe.

Never saw one that wouldn't eat, though. You know what I mean?

Good beaver will usually just snatch up anything

you-- you set in front of it.

Hello, little beaver.

[beaver chattering]

Tch, tch.

[beaver chattering]

How are you doing, fella? Huh?

Tch. Hm.

Well, you know, he-- he just seems

a little bit lonesome to me.

You got another beaver around here?

Well, uh, we did have one,

but I haven't seen him around about a week--

- There you go, that's it. - Lonesome?

Yeah, that's it. Yeah.

What's you need is a backup beaver.

- A backup beaver? - Yeah, a backup, backup.

You see, nothing...

nothing will be this lonesome as a New Mexico beaver.

[instrumental music]

Walk with me, good people.

Once this was wilderness,

but then man cried out that to be laid away forever

in some alien nondescript ground was no longer enough.

Man wanted dignity.

And thus did it come to pass

that in each of our fifty states

there rose up for the populace a Tranquil Valley,

with its mortuary, cemetery, crematorium...

and gift shop.

And the people were glad and they were comforted.

For Tranquil Valley offers them eternal peace,

starting at two hundred dollars, plus tax and limousine charges.

And now, a view of our main building

the living, breathing heartbeat

of all that Tranquil Valley represents.

Far more than just cashier and the accounting officers...

I don't know how you do it, sis?

I mean, living in a cemetery in the middle of all this stiffs.

Phew, must get kind of depressing, huh?

Ralphie, this place was rebuilt, stone by stone

after some very famous place in Europe.

Yeah?

I can't remember the name of the place,

but it was very famous, of that you can be sure.

Listen, Marvin has his faults.

- I like Marvin, sis. - We all like Marvin.

But he's not perfect.

However, everyone knows that we have the most

tasteful mortuary in the country.

[whistles]

- Ralphie... - Huh?

I want you to sit down, come on.

- Oh, in a minute, sis. - Sit.

That tour girl's kinda cute, huh, sis?

[chuckles] Could you fix me up with her maybe?

No, I cannot!

She is a happily married woman and you're supposed to be

happily married too with children--

Alright, alright. Okay! So I'm happy.

Give me a break, huh, sis? I'm in my prime.

I mean, my vital urges are too much to-- to spend on

any one woman.

- Oh.. - Oh, I'm sorry, sis.

It's alright, baby. Just stay calm.

I'm sorry. Did I stain anything?

It's alright. Sister will clean it up.

- Sister will clean it up. - Let me help you.

Put the coffee pot down, darling.

- Take your hat out of the-- - Where should I put it?

Just over there. That's a boy.

Now, listen, darling. Darling...

I want you to try to exercise a little self-control.

Oh, Ralphie, I've something very important to tell you

and I want you to try to remain calm.

- Hm? - Okay, so I'm calm. I'm calm.

- Ralphie-- - What you got to tell me?

- [chuckles] Oh, wait. - Huh? What is it? A present?

- Mm. - A surprise?

- Uh-huh. - Yeah?

- Should I close my eyes? Huh? - No. No, Ralph, you don't--

- I'll put my head under-- - No, Ralphie! Please!

- Come on, baby. - What? What?

- You're my baby brother. - Yeah.

You're my, my little baby brother.

- I'm not so little anymore. - No.

[laughs] Ticklish.

You remember mom and pop wanted to put you up for adoption?

- Don't remind me, huh? - I said no.

I said that I would look after you.

And I have, haven't I, Ralph?

Oh, baby.

Yeah, I'm eternally grateful to you, sis.

Everybody just thinks I'm just this slob, right?

- But not you. - No, baby.

You always said Ralph is gonna amount to something. Right?

That's right. That's right, darling.

And you will.

Darling, please, please...

What I'm trying to prepare you for...

Hey, Ralphie, Marvin wants to give you a break.

A break? What kind of a break?

It's big.

- Big? How big? - Oh, it is so big.

- Really big? - Uh-huh.

What is it? What-- what? Is it kidnapping?

- No... - Robbery?

Oh, you're warm, you're so warm.

- An armed robbery? - An armed robbery!

- An armed robbery! - Shh!

Marvin's gonna include me in an armed robbery?

- Yes, yes, yes, - Do I get to carry a gun?

- Shh. - Do I...

Do I get to carry a gun?

- Come, come, come. - What about the bullets, huh?

A gun? Is that it?

Gun. That's a gun.

- Easy, easy, easy, easy. - "To Ralphie, from Marvin."

There, there, there.

[clicking]

There's no bullets. Where are the bullets?

- Bullets. - Oh, boy!

- Read the card, read the card. - "To Ralphie, from sister!"

[laughter]

Oh, I hope they're the kind you want.

- What color are they? - You wait and see.

You wait and see.

Silver bullets! Just like the lone ranger!

How do I put them in, sis? Huh?

- Ralphie... - What?

I promised that I would get you out of television repair.

You're the best sister any guy could have.

- Mwah! - My baby.

Oh, I can't wait to load it and shoot it.

Oh, are you happy? No. No, no.

- You shoot it outside. - Outside.

- Outside. - Okay.

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

[claps]

[instrumental music]

Tour guide: Those of you who work up a good healthy appetite

during our mausoleum walk

will welcome the menu in our Tranquil Valley Gourmet Galley

where all our foods are organically grown here

without preservatives.

As is mentioned in our brochure,

many of the world's great figures

lie sleeping in our VIP mausoleums.

Among them, motion picture greats such as

the tragic Lola Ricardo, the Peruvian Bombshell

and such political-greats as campus radical Morty Brewstein,

who was, of course, among the first to advocate non-violence

while confronting the police.

[music continues]

May I help you, gentlemen?

Do you have a Mr. Herman Fleming here?

Uh... yes.

Mr. Fleming is resting in our slumber room number seventeen.

That's straight along this corridor.

- Thank you. - Mm-hm.

[music continues]

Hi.

You guys must be, uh, Morgan and Dick, right?

- Yeah, and what are you? - Me, I'm Ralphie.

I, uh, oh, I'm gonna be with you for this one.

What's the matter? Didn't Marvin tell you?

- And lo, the lone and-- - What?

The lone and level sands stretch far away.

How small a space we truly occupy.

Hey, cut it out, will you?

There's nobody really in that thing, is there?

Richard, you're tense, you're trembling.

- I don't like coffins. - Yeah, me either, boy.

Man is perishable, Richard.

If you'd accept that fact and stopped this ceaseless worry

you'd have far fewer head colds, you know.

- Head colds? - I'm in perfect health.

- Perfect. - You know, fellas...

I was just thinking, I got some ideas--

- Hey, why are you doing that? - It's hot in here.

You perspire, you go outside, you get a cold.

Don't you know that?

How loose a grasp do some men have

upon their own mortality.

How many head colds have you had this year, Richard?

The normal amount. Average.

How many?

- Seventy-two head colds. - Wow.

You do unbend your noble strength to think

so brainsickly of things.

Hey, fellas, I don't think this is my right size.

Well, what is that supposed to mean?

That's Macbeth. Act Two, Scene One.

Macbeth has committed foul murder

and now broods upon the time when Banquo's ghost--

Now, look, Morgan, Morgan, I-- I've about all I can take.

Last month you filled my head with Indian religion

now you give me this, you give me this philosophy.

Now... You stay back. Keep out of this.

Morgan, I don't want this philosophy. Cut this...

Morgan, just cut it out! Just cut it out!

- Gentlemen! - Hey, Marvin!

We cannot continue to gather our contraband happily

if we bicker with each other all the time, now can we?

- Well, Morgan? - All set, Mr. Sloan.

We hit the plant at 10 sharp,

we should return with the fruits of our sins by 11.

Assuming, of course, our best laid plans don't go awry.

They know a truck's coming for merchandise.

You'll arrive at proper time, with the proper bills of lading.

It should be simple as a temple.

Oh, don't worry about a thing, Marvin.

We'll get the job done for you, buddy. No problem.

[clears throat] Ralphie, you are to watch Morgan and Dick

at all times, you should do exactly

what they tell you to do. No more and no less.

Right. Marvin, you're gonna be surprised.

I mean the way I'm gonna handle myself

it's really gonna surprise you.

- I hope not. Dick: Mr. Sloan...

Hmm?

I mean, uh, he ever handled any of those things before?

[sighs] Ralphie, sit down.

Would you wait outside for Ralph please? Please?

See you later, fellas.

[chuckles] Uh, Ralphie...

You are my brother-in-law and I promised Lucy

that I would give you a chance and I am giving you a chance.

Heaven help me, but you should know that this little gig

represents a profit of two million dollars.

I know, Marvin, and I want you to know I appreciate the chance.

I want you to know that.

Now if you should happen to jeopardize this thing

for a single second, Lucy or no Lucy,

you'll be back in the television repair business by night.

Yeah, well, sure.

But don't worry about a thing, Marvin. You're in good hands.

See ya.

You won't be sorry, Marvin.

God, I'm already sorry.

[intense music]

Hi!

You guys early this morning, aren't you?

Always, baby.

Hey, brother, whitey been doin' you right on his gigs?

Yeah, man, they got to. I'm the token, you know?

Okay, building C over there.

- Boys'll help you load. - Right on, brother.

Right on.

[Morgan humming]

[music continues]

- Hi. - Oh, hi.

Hiya.

Hey, how'd you all come out

in that union beef?

- Uh, union beef-- - Are you kidding?

- How would we come out, man? - Oh.

Yeah, yeah.

[music continues]

I, uh, sure enjoyed myself at the zoo.

And I wanna thank you dispatch fellers for allowing me

these little instructive adventures in your big city.

Matter of fact I'll be down to talk to you

about this as soon as I get in. You betcha.

[intense music]

- Okay, thanks, fellas. - Thank you.

- Hey, you wanna know something? - Huh?

Our union ain't worth a hoot.

Yeah, you're right.

[clatters]

Get back! Get back!

[gunshot]

[engine revs]

[dramatic music]

[gunshot]

[tires screeching]

[gate crashing]

[gunshots]

[music continues]

Dispatcher: Attention all units in vicinity,

robbery in progress. Olton Pharmaceuticals.

Units proceed with caution.

There has been shooting with injury, suspects are armed.

This is McCloud. I'm about two minutes from the location.

I'm on my way.

Dispatcher: McCloud, wait for assistance.

Units are en route.

[siren blaring]

Hijackers! Crashed right through the main gate.

But there's one of 'em still there!

Now be careful, we've got man shot already.

[dramatic music]

[gunshots]

Come out of there!

[gunshot]

[Ralph screams]

I don't wanna shoot you.

If you don't come out of there

the next bullet's gonna go right through that tin.

Ralph: No! Oh!

[intense music]

[Ralph wails]

[panting]

[siren wailing]

[dramatic music]

Well, I suppose that y-- you're absolutely right, chief,

to be put out with, but I--

Against instructions you went after

an armed suspect by yourself--

Well, he shot a man!

That's my point.

You could have been shot.

And the next time you're faced with an armed

and dangerous suspect,

you will wait for assistance.

Yeah. How is the suspect?

We'll question him as soon as his injuries

and the constitution allow.

What'd they hijack out that place, anyway?

- Pills? Narcotics? - Antibiotics.

A half million dollars' worth of penicillin.

Excuse me.

They'll take it someplace where they have

sufficient chemical equipment.

Then dilute it till it's about four times as much of it.

And then they'll sell it on the black market,

probably Central America.

Why do you say Central America?

That's where the need is.

Then we gotta find it before it gets out of the country.

That probably depends on our friend here.

If he'll talk we have a chance, if not...

hell, a lot of sick children will be getting

an awful lot of impure medication.

[intense music]

And now, ladies and gentlemen

we enter the building which houses the demonstration model

of our latest, most fashionably designed crypt

available fully furnished with 100% financing

on our unique lay way plan.

Upon request an eternal flame may also be provided

as optional equipment.

I'm not interested in approximations.

Now, you're the chemist. How long will it take?

Well, to cut it up and dilute it

and reseal the original containers...

figure 36 hours, Mr. Sloan.

Thirty-six, that means that we can ship out on Friday,

it should be down through Mexico

by the middle of the week.

- Yeah, good. - Good. Good.

I'll see you later. Go back to work.

Mr. Sloan? Mr. Sloan?

The publicity shots we got of the grounds are terrific.

- Good. - You're going to love them.

We're ready for you, Mr. Sloan.

Oh, darling. Thank you. Good.

Oh, that's charming.

[humming]

[birds chirping]

Beautiful. Uh, Mrs. Sloan won't be coming?

Well, I did mention it to her.

But I've no idea what's she has decided.

Now, look...

How's this?

Mr. Sloan, I've seen clients come and go, but you?

You are sincere. Shoot it, Joe.

Okay, choir members and kids back in the bus.

Oh, thank you.

Now, Mr. Sloan...

Now in the last picture

I wasn't too sincere, was I?

- You were perfect. - Oh, good.

Now I just wanna get a shot of you on the croquet field.

At play, sort of relaxed, having fun.

And I brought in a few cute little white bunny rabbits,

we'll wire them to the field and they make a nice contrast.

- People love that. - Well, uh...

Don't you think a bit more grey at the temples...

No, no, no. Definitely not, sir.

At Tranquil Valley, it's your youth we've got to sell.

- My what? - Your youth!

The vigor and energy of the most exciting...

funeral home in the country.

- Oh-ha! - Now, trust me, Mr. Sloan.

A month from now, with your face on half the billboards

and taxicab trunks in the state, you will thank me.

Oh, Marvin dear, I'm so sorry that I'm late.

Oh, I hope I'm not interrupting anything?

Not at all. I think you know my wife.

- Mrs. Sloan. - My pleasure, Mrs. Sloan.

Oh, I've ruined the photographic session, haven't I?

- No, no, not at all. - I'm so terribly sorry.

- Really. - Don't even think about it.

You're gonna be terrific in the croquet shots.

Oh, another time, please.

These little visits to the Crippled Children's Hospital,

they just seem to drain me so terribly.

I'm sure they'll understand, won't you--

- Of course, of course. - Oh, thank you.

Hey, Joe, kill the croquet layout and ship those rabbits!

Marvin, might I speak to you a moment in private?

Yes. Excuse us, will you, Fred? I'll see you later.

- Of course. Nice meeting you. - Bye, bye.

Yes. Goodbye.

Here we go, love.

Marvin... Marvin! I am talking to you!

Yes, dear..

Your first endeavor together...

Tour guide: ...called the pond of angels,

notice if you will the lovely water lilies

as they come into full bloom.

Bless you. Bless you.

Bless you.

Bless you. [chuckles]

Uh, what were you saying?

Your very first endeavor together

and not only do you let my Ralphie get caught

by some slob of a cop...

Not to mention the fact that he also got wounded.

Are you aware of that, Mr. Marvin Sloan,

my baby brother caught and wounded?

I know, I know. I know. I'm very sorry--

And the cop who nailed him said that he heard Ralphie confess!

It's all in the afternoon papers,

so there's no use your covering up

what you've done to my baby brother!

What I have done! Really you're out of your mind.

For five years you've begged me

to take him into the company, to get him away

from that television repair thing.

And you give him a chance at the real big money.

Now for five years--

Do any of your other hoodlums ever get caught or shot at?

No. Just Ralphie, just my brother!

Look, I'll tell you why your brother gets caught!

He gets caught because he's a ziphead

and an idiot and a slump! That's why...

Sorry. I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to go so far.

Really, I've done all I can to help your little Ralphie.

I have tried my best. Give me a little kiss.

- Don't touch me! - No...

I'll get the very best lawyers that money can buy

to defend that little fella. Honestly I will.

What good a lawyer's gonna do with all those witnesses

and that, and that stupid cop who beat him and then hurt him

and-- and ripped that confession out of him?

Listen to me, please listen to me.

Now I have been worried sick about what your brother

might let slip when the police begin to question him.

But there's absolutely nothing that I can do about it

without risking everything.

I mean there's 15 funeral homes here

legitimate ones.

And the biggest independent smuggling network

east of the Missouri river.

Marvin, I want you to get my brother

out of the police's clutches and safely away

or I am going to leave you.

Really?

With a property settlement that'll knock you

right back to the Bronx!

Oh.

Ruminate upon it, Marv. Ruminate upon it.

Yes, I'll ruminate.

[instrumental music]

- Hello. - Hi.

Who are you?

I'm Walter McKay of McKay and Ervin.

I've been retained as your attorney, Mr. Goodbody.

Oh, did Marvin send you?

You've retained on a confidential basis.

Oh, I-- I get it. I get it.

What are my chances?

Now looking at your file, I'd say that, uh,

your chances are very good.

Yeah, you can collect on your whiplash.

Whiplash? I don't have any whiplash.

- Think it over. - What're you talking about?

- I'm here in a murder charge. - You are.

Hey, what did you think it was?

[chuckles] Very embarrassing. I got the wrong file.

Well, if we do beat the murder rap,

we can always go for the whiplash, huh?

- Here's your file. - I think I need another lawyer.

Well, let's get one thing straight, Mr. Goodbody.

You're in a mess of trouble, you know.

No decent lawyer would handle this case.

You think you got a good chance at getting me acquitted?

Of course we got a chance.

But you gotta tell me everything that happened.

You gotta trust me. Maybe I can arrange for a payoff.

Walter: Okay? - What do you wanna know?

- Now, what's your name again? - Ralph Goodbody.

Mm-hm. That checks. Okay.

[sniffles] You ever been arrested before?

Yeah, twice. No convictions.

What's the first offense?

I was caught in a school yard littering.

That must have been some time ago.

No, three weeks ago.

What was the second offense?

Another schoolyard.

Now, Mr. Goodbody, have you or any member of your family

have the following diseases?

Disease? What do you mean disease?

What are you talking about diseases?

Don't you wanna know what happened?

Now, let's get this straight.

If we're gonna work together, I'm gonna prepare my own case

my own way, okay? Now what happened?

I was part of a heist at Olton Pharmaceuticals.

I shot a guard and got caught.

Mm-hm. This alleged guard, did he draw first?

- No, I shot him. - Were there any eye witnesses?

- Seven. - Seven!

Now, the murder weapon, did the police find it?

I gave it to him.

You gave it to him?

Now the bullet that was fired, was it actually found?

- Yeah. - Where?

In the body of the guard, dummy.

You know I'm gonna level with you, Mr. Goodbody.

I'd say they have a pretty strong circumstantial case.

You would, huh? I knew that before you even came in here!

What are you gonna do about it?

Rest assured on one point.

My partner and I are gonna work on this case right away.

We're gonna drop pleadings, stays of executions, the--

Stays of execution! What are you talking about?

Now we're gonna earn every penny of our fee.

What do you mean your fee? Who cares about your fees?

Well, you say that now, but toward the end you'll complain.

I don't care about any fees. I gotta get out of here!

There's only one alternative

and it's only ethical that I mention it.

To save yourself a lot of aggravation

and people a lot of paperwork, you should take your own life.

Take my what? What, are you crazy?

You gotta be crazy!

I don't want you on my case!

- Get out of here! - Listen--

I don't want you on my case! I don't want you on my case!

I wanna warn you, you're worth over a $100 already!

Get out of here. I don't wanna go to gas chamber!

- Electric chair. - I'll give you electric chair.

- Get out of here! You phony! - Listen to me!

- You creep! Get lost! - Oh, come on now.

There's no need to be insulting.

I've been dismissed off of cases before.

Get out of here, you creep!

- Police! Nurse! - One-- one question

- Get him out of here! - One question.

- Ah! - Who's handling your estate?

I'll give you my estate!

I'll kill him.

[instrumental music]

Don't tell me

the lights are going out all over Europe.

No, just-- just in this room

before it gets to be a fire hazard.

- Sam? - Hm?

I think it's too late for our picnic.

Even the muggers don't go out into the park at this hour.

You know, I wanna apologize for messing up the day.

Things just kinda got out of hand.

Oh, only major crimes I assume.

Mostly.

What time does your plane leave in the morning?

Early, too early.

- But it's not too late. - Hmm.

[phone rings]

Now who?

Just my luck.

It will be the governor.

Hello.

[McCloud sighs]

Hello. Yeah.

Yeah, this is Marshall McCloud.

Who?

Oh, yeah, Mr. uh, Mr. Johnson, yeah, yeah, from the zoo.

Yeah, of course I remember you.

Yeah, we, uh... Had a little wildlife problem today.

Uh, what was that?

Oh. I see.

You-- you found a backup beaver for the regular beaver.

Uh-huh.

And the regular beaver is eating fine now.

Well, that's-- that's, that's real good to hear.

Yeah. Mm-hm.

Which problem?

The, uh, the backup beaver

is-- is keeping the regular beaver awake.

[chuckles]

Yeah, well, you know, you know

how to put the little fella to sleep? Hm?

Well, first of all you'd have to kind of just, uh...

sort of blow on his fur [blows air]

and then stroke it a little bit, you see.

And then, um, then whistle a tune to it.

[whistling]

Hm? Oh, no, no, no. Listen, you don't...

Not that particular tune, it's not necessary

what tune you whistle, you see,

a beaver doesn't rightly know one tune from another.

Yeah. Okay. Yeah, fine.

Oh, you're welcome. Just-- just hang in there.

Do you do request?

You ever hear my quail whistle? Hm?

[whistling]

[laughs]

Hm?

[phone rings]

McCloud.

How would you like to get the rest of the filthy fellows

who stole those pharmaceuticals and shot that man?

Now who is this, please?

You make it worth my while, I can help you.

Take the first ferry to the Statue of Liberty. Alone.

Tell no one where you're going.

Unless of course, you don't care if I get killed

for finking to a cop.

Well, now, look just a minute here.

Morgan: The Statue of Liberty, Marshal.

I'll be carrying a book with a red cover.

Unless I can see that you aren't really alone...

Your choice, marshal.

We'll discuss my price when we meet.

Uh...

[line disconnects]

You're getting better and better and better.

[chuckles]

Hey, McCloud, how about some lunch? McCloud!

[instrumental music]

[dramatic music]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[dramatic music]

Lot of women and children around here, so don't make a fuss.

Just walk easy and everything will be fine.

We have instructions to take you to a quiet place,

where you are to remain unharmed.

We're gonna make a prisoner exchange.

It's not going to work, they're not going for that

I can tell you that right now.

Tsk, tsk, tsk. Nothing is certain.

What's that?

Don't get so tensed.

These are, these are eye drops.

I use them all the time, it's my own prescription.

They're perfectly harmless.

A mild solution to dilate the eyes.

Impairs the vision a bit, but it's an improvement

over the obvious blindfold.

[grunts]

- Tsk, tsk, tsk. - I'll put in three drops.

[scatting]

[grunts]

[dramatic music]

Slight coordination problem, Dicky-boo?

I've perfect coordination. I just had it tested out.

Just don't like being on the wind like this.

- Beautiful view, Tex. - You can catch a cold...

Sorry you can't enjoy it with us.

Think I'm gettin' seasick.

[dramatic music]

[engine cranking]

[music continues]

Dick: Get his ID.

McCloud: They're not going to trade me

for that fellow that got caught.

It's not going to happen, so forget it.

[grunts]

Hurts a little bit, doesn't it?

You know, you better cooperate. Pain is a terrible thing.

Terrible thing.

[grunts]

You do that one more time and you're gonna have to

finish me off.

Come on, come on!

Richard, you're limping.

You know, you have a grating voice, Morgan.

You-- you have a grating voice, Morgan.

Why are you limping, Richard?

Who's limping?

- I'm not limping. - Very much so.

I don't know, maybe I, uh, just wanna stumble on the boat,

it's nothing.

Very possibly a pinched nerve.

What do you mean, pinched nerve? Is that serious?

- What does it do? - Causes numbness.

- Causes numbness? - Mm-hmm.

Well, what do you, what...

What do you do about it?

Sometimes it takes surgery.

Surgery?

Look, why don't you try walking round?

Sometimes that helps.

Go on, walk.

Just walk around a little bit?

Morgan: Go on.

[traffic bustling]

Hey, Morgan, I think you're right, you know,

the-- the...

Just the...

The whole leg feels numb now.

I've made my decision, Richard.

I must attend law school.

Are you kidding? Law school?

I must investigate my lawyers.

Aren't you're tired of doing what you do without knowing

why you shouldn't be doing it?

Hey, look, in order to become a lawyer

you need a high school diploma, now even I know that.

And they didn't give you one in jail, so

you're eight years behind.

- I did a lot of reading. - Yeah.

Shakespeare, Schopenhauer,

Freud, Hughes, Adler...

[Morgan chuckles]

Spencer, Karl Marx...

- Hey, Morgan, you-- - Leacock.

Morgan, you have a-- a grating voice, I'm gonna tell you that.

- Lexpure. Owen. - It's... It's great.

I don't care what anybody says--

Morgan: Eldridge Cleaver!

If you're gonna be a lawyer, you better do something

about your voice, it's grating.

This came ten minutes ago by messenger.

I've alerted every mobile unit, every cop on every beat

has his description...

we've contacted half the police informers in New York City...

and here we sit.

What'd the legal boys say?

Ralph Goodbody may not be questioned. Period.

Not till the medication wears off completely

and he's conferred with a lawyer.

Any history on him?

Not even a parking ticket.

[telephone rings]

Clifford here.

Hello?

Hello?

- Hello. Captain Clifford? Clifford: Yes.

I am sure by now you know that we have your cowboy.

Yes, but we're perfectly willing to exchange him

for Ralph Goodbody,

at a time and place that we can discuss later.

Now we want you to stand directly in front

of the entrance at the police station

at exactly 9:00 a.m. tomorrow morning.

And if you agree to the exchange,

you will nod your head several times affirmatively.

If you do not agree to the exchange,

you will shake your head from the side to side negatively.

In which case we'll be very happy to send you

your little cowboy back in small pieces.

Do I make myself clear, captain?

Now you listen to me.

Kidnapping one of my officer...

Hello?

Get me the commissioner.

Woman on intercom: Sir, the commissioner--

Get him!

See, dear, I'm doing everything I can for you.

Marvin, when Ralphie gets out, I want him and Sylvia

and the kids to stay with us for a while.

Oh, Lucy, for heaven's sake, if he does get out,

he'll have to leave the country immediately.

- Leave the country? - Yes.

- For where? - I don't know yet!

I'm trying to make arrangements.

Yugoslavia!

Oh, Yugoslavia would be nice for the kids!

Yugoslavia.

For heaven's sake, Yugoslavia...

Oh, help me, help me.

Ah, Dudley!

- You wished to see me, sir? - Yes.

How many technicians do we have working on those antibiotics?

Oh, I've got embalming rooms eight through fifteen

going full blast.

- And on schedule, sir. - Good.

Now, Dudley, do you still have your hospital credentials?

- As a mail nurse, yes, sir. - Good.

Now I want you inside of that hospital

at precisely 9:00 a.m. tomorrow morning and as close as possible

to little Ralphie. Now if the police decide not to go,

go for the exchange, if they decide to keep Ralphie

and to question him, well, you know, if we can't have

that little zip head, neither must they.

[instrumental music]

[intense music]

[grunting]

Don't you...

Don't you ever touch me.

- Don't you ever touch me! - Alright, alright!

No harm no foul.

What do you mean, no harm?

He grabbed my numb leg!

Rest easy, Tex. Rest easy.

We'll be right close by, put a few more drops in your eyes

every once in a while.

You could be quite content here, you know.

One need only learn to expect that society will do its worst.

If you expect it, you'll accept it.

Contentment.

Now try, Tex.

Be content.

[tapping]

You see what he did, Morgan?

He grabbed my pinched nerve.

There's a price tag for everything

in this life, my friend.

Sometimes it's gotta be pain.

And, Morgan, you know, it's, it's...

It's unhealthy in here, look at all the dust and everything...

And I'm getting hungry, I've got to get...

I've got to get a sandwich in me or something.

Look, baby, life is a sandwich!

Now, Morgan, don't stall with me

'cause I'm gonna lose my appetite.

We're pressed together and we're eaten alive.

Oh, that's, that's, that-- that, that is disgusting.

You know to you, I'm sure it is.

That's r... That's really disgusting.

And, Morgan, I'm gonna tell you something.

I'm getting very tense from you.

Not from me. From yourself.

Look at you.

Filling yourself with violence, illness, tension--

Violence? Vi... You're talking to me about violence?

I've seen you get violent. I've seen... I've...

- Seen? - You get violent.

But I don't think about it!

What are you...

What'd I do? What are you on me for?

What'd I do?

[chuckles]

Oh.

Don't feel badly, Dick.

At least you're not limping anymore.

[helicopter whirring]

[foghorn blaring]

[steam hissing]

[dogs barking]

[drilling]

Clifford: Yes, sir.

Unfortunately, I, I have to agree with you.

Right. I'll keep you posted.

I guess I don't have to ask what the commissioner's answer was.

If we accede to this kind of blackmail just once

we'll face it a hundred times. You know that as well as I do.

We can't help him, Gabe. Not at these prices.

No, tomorrow morning I'm going to walk out there

and I'm going to shake my head like somebody's little puppet

and I'm going to be saying it's perfectly alright

to kill McCloud.

[birds squawking]

[intense music]

[coughs]

Woman on PA: Dr. Corrigan, telephone, please.

Dr. Corrigan.

Dr. Ellwood, telephone, please. Dr. Ellwood.

Dudley!

[dramatic music]

Woman on PA: Dr. Carrey, telephone, please. Dr. Carrey.

Dr. Helmond, telephone, please. Dr. Helmond.

Woman: Fire!

[intense music]

[fire extinguisher hissing]

Dudley.

Come to get me out?

What's the scoop, Dudley? Huh? What's gonna happen? Huh?

Okay, everything's arranged. One hour.

- One hour we're gonna get out? - Yes, yes, yes.

- We're gonna get out. - Oh, boy.

I knew you guys wouldn't let me down.

I'm gonna get my rings, get my shoes.

Now listen, Ralphie--

We're busting our way out, right?

Behave as normal as you can. Just be ready for it.

- Hey, you know me, right? - Well, he can depend--

- What about Marvin? - Will you please finish--

- Marvin mad at me? - Finish your milk.

- Okay, alright. - He's not mad at you.

He's gonna take care of you, okay? Okay?

Dudley, I killed a guy down there.

Is that the electric chair?

I'll finish my milk.

Well, well, Tex.

You're headed for the great corral in the sky.

Well, I told you fellas they wouldn't do

any trading with you.

Now you gotta worry if that friend of yours in the hospital

gonna blow the whistle on all of you.

Well, he'll be dead just about the same time you are.

[grunting]

[traffic bustling]

Come on.

[drilling]

Morgan: Come on!

[gunshots]

[dogs barking]

Officer, I'm Marshal McCloud.

Could you get me down to City Hospital?

Yeah, the whole department's lookin' for you, get in.

McCloud: Hurry. They're going to kill a man.

Fire in the linen closet obviously set

to decoy the policeman on duty outside.

He said he was only gone a few seconds.

Few seconds?

Long enough for somebody to spike his punch.

What was it?

We'll check it out.

And may as well call the coroner,

get him out of here.

Well, wait-- wait a minute, chief,

I don't know if I'd do that just yet.

Uh, miss, do you mind stickin' around

for just a minute, please?

- Alright. - McCloud.

You see, chief, I figure that the killer,

now he couldn't risk stickin' around here long enough

to make sure that he did kill this fellow,

so, uh, if we could just kind of, uh, keep it to ourselves

for a little bit, you know, we're the only ones

who know that he's dead.

I don't understand.

Make the killer think he bungled it.

There you go, chief. You betcha.

And I think he's gonna have to come back and try it again.

Oh. About 20 minutes ago.

I guess they just think he's still asleep.

Okay, yes, sir, I'll wait around for the hollering

and I'll let you know.

Yes, sir.

Gabe, we'll, uh, we'll try this ploy for an hour

if nobody shows, call the coroner.

I've got a roster of all authorized personnel.

But in a hospital this size it won't be easy.

How are the eyes?

Good as new.

McCloud, can you remember anything specific

that will give us some kind of a fix on where they took you?

Well, yeah, I think if I get back to the place

where the police car picked me up

I-- I think maybe I got a shot at it.

How's that?

Well, from there I think maybe I could

feel my way or hear my way.

I know that there was a, an off street

that, uh, had a lot of trees on it, and, uh,

brick wall with a jackhammer noise nearby.

They must have some kind of construction going on.

Chain link fence had a lot of dogs barkin'.

Must've been near the river because I could hear

the-- the whistle of the boat.

Clifford: You get on it and keep in touch with me.

McCloud: Right, then there's the helicopters...

[dogs barking]

[steam hissing]

[traffic bustling]

[drilling]

[helicopter whirring]

[dramatic music]

Woman on PA: Nurse Crandall, check with the desk, please.

Anything for the emergency report today?

Not today, doctor. Dull as they come.

[chuckles]

You mean there's nothing interesting up there today?

Oh, yeah, big excitement a while ago.

Oh?

Yeah, fire in the linen closet.

- Very exciting, doctor. - Hmm.

Oh, yes, that's very exciting. I'll see you later.

Clifford: I'll radio the lab boys on the way over.

- Find anything? - Nope.

Nothing but a transistor radio and a table full of magazines.

Didn't see any signs of antibiotics, nothing.

Might get a fingerprint.

Well, if we get one clear one, we're back in business.

Yeah, we're in business,

by that time they can be in Central America or wherever.

Are you telling me that after all this time

nobody has found little Ralphie's body in the hospital?

Dudley on phone: Well...

Well, something's wrong, Dudley.

Something's very, very wrong.

Mr. Sloan, I gave your brother-in-law

enough to kill a horse, I'm telling you.

I don't want excuses!

I want a corpse.

Yes, sir.

Woman on PA: An orderly to Room 314, please.

An orderly to 314.

May I see your identification, sir?

Well, I...

[dramatic music]

Young man flies very well!

Clifford: Right.

Okay, tell Lester to check with me as soon as he gets here.

Severe concussion. He'll get out for hours.

Who is he?

Name's Dudley.

He's an embalmer out at the Tranquil Valley Mortuaries.

Tranquil Valley? Well, wait a minute now.

Hold on a minute, chief. Uh...

Didn't that-- that Ralph Goodbody fellow,

didn't his file say that he was the brother-in-law

of the man who owns all those Tranquil Valley places?

That's right.

Well, that's the perfect place to dilute the antibiotics.

What're we waiting for?

McCloud, there's not one judge in the state of New York

who'd grant that kind of warrant on such circumstantial evidence.

Well, what do we do?

We hold our breath and hope the fingerprint boys

come up with a lead on the two men who kidnapped you.

And that's it, huh?

- That's it. - Hmm.

That's allowed by law.

Well, if that don't beat all.

I don't like it any better than you do, marshal.

But as you say, that does beat all.

And where are you going?

Oh, I just thought I'd tour around a little.

Tour guide: And each and every memorial day,

for a surprisingly modest amount,

each gravesite here at Tranquil Valley

is bedecked with a solitary commemorative white lily.

The finest artificial flower money can buy.

In our main building is housed our newest memory-bank computer

which tells us, with only the push of a button,

whereabouts on these peaceful acres,

a loved one lies resting.

As we go if there are those of you who wish to linger awhile

in our Tranquil Valley gift shop, you'll be pleased to know

that for this week only, Founder's Week,

all religious medals and our specially-molded miniature

of Grants Tomb--

Sir?

- Yes, ma'am. - Sir, they went that way.

Oh, yeah, well, uh, I just thought I'd kinda dig around

so to speak, contemplate the beauty of it all.

Well, we do request that the tour which pays together,

stays together.

Uh-huh. You do?

Yes, we do.

Well, in that case, uh...

I think I'll just head 'em off to pass.

Breathe in some of this nice restful atmosphere.

You're doin' a bang-up job.

[McCloud scatting]

Muriel?

This is Reception One.

It's probably nothing, but there's this cowboy

with a western hat on.

[dramatic music]

Morgan: Ah, note the poetry of it, Richard.

Our friend Tex has fled death,

only to find that he's merely been running toward it.

We got a break on those prints.

These, uh, just came in from Washington.

Good.

Long felony counts on both of them.

Both currently on parole.

And both currently employed as graveyard technicians

at Tranquil Valley Mortuaries.

Well, looks like we can get that search warrant now.

Send in the sagebrush Sherlock Holmes, will you?

Uh, but he's not available right now, captain.

Why not?

I think he's, uh, taking the Tranquil Valley tour.

You know I am shocked, I'm really shocked

that you suspect Tranquil Valley's some sort of

den of ill repute.

Of course you know we do have some very lovely inexpensive

wooden coffins of use for welfare cases

and I think that we might spare one for you, marshal.

I think it might be better all the way around

if I was still alive when the police get here, don't you?

Hmm?

Well, I guess you don't.

If and when the police do come,

they'll find no evidence whatsoever

since you and the antibiotics will be well on your way

to Central America. Aldo?

You do have some sterilized hypos there, don't you?

Be good enough to embalm the marshal for me, would you?

Yes, Mr. Sloan.

Be a dear and roll up your sleeves.

Lucy: Marvin, you ratfink!

You killed him! You killed him!

Stop him! Stop him! No!

Stop! Close the gate!

Stop him! Stop him!

- Stop the fugitive! - Who is that?

Stop everything! Get him!

Get him back!

Lock the gates! Help!

Marvin, I'm gonna get you for this!

[intense music]

Elmer: And so I say to you,

you friends of Judge W.J. Earl Harper.

We all have known him as a jurist of great promise,

who had he lived, could have arranged to sit upon the bench

of the highest courts of our land.

Therefore I admonish you, think not of the lies

and the libelous accusations flung at him

by the pseudo-intellectual Northern press.

Think not of the sordid and unsubstantiated reasons

alleged to have caused his very timely death.

Think only but for us,

and for the soft and for the good judge himself

wherever he may be there's a better day coming.

Let us now ruminate upon that happy thought, my friends.

- Excuse me. - He owed you money too, huh?

Well, he, uh...

Listen, listen, would you like to buy in

on an everglades real estate development?

The whole thing's going to be built around an amusement park.

We call it "Reptileland."

Excuse me.

[people clamoring]

[dramatic music]

[intense music]

[car door shuts]

[engine cranking]

[tires squealing]

[gunshots]

[engine revving]

[music continues]

[tires screech]

[crashes]

[tires screech]

[crash]

[fire crackling]

Cuff him!

Gentlemen, it's perfectly obvious that some

bad apple employees have banded together in some fashion

for criminal purposes, but to accuse me

a humble mortician.

Oh, come along, Mr. Sloan.

Well, I hope you have witnesses other than this

biased creature with the peculiar clothes.

Can a wife testify against her husband in this state?

You better check with your lawyer.

- McCloud. - Hmm?

When you left the guided tour to go roaming through the gloaming

without a warrant, you were trespassing on private property.

Yeah, well, technically, yeah, you could say that, but, uh...

And you will write a full report explaining your conduct

and you will have it in my office at 9:00 a.m.

in triplicate.

You know, chief, have you ever been at this place before, huh?

Clifford: No.

McCloud: Oh, I tell you, they got some attractions here.

You know, they got a guided tour

that'll escort you through whole thing?

Clifford: McCloud...

McCloud: And down in Taos...

They'll escort you through a graveyard...

Tour guide: As the sun sinks beyond the monuments

of Tranquil Valley, we are closing for the day,

to re-open our gates tomorrow morning at 9:00 a.m.

under new management.

[instrumental music]