All language subtitles for McCloud S02E05 A Little Plot at Tranquil Valley

[instrumental music]

[instrumental music]

Mm...
[grunts]

[laughs] I'm not doing it right,
obviously.

- Mm, not doing too bad.
- No!

Here. Here.
[laughs]

Let me show you
one more time, okay?

'Cause I don't want
the muggers to get you.

Wait a minute. Listen to me.

You're pullin' okay, but you
gotta get your hip into it.

You gotta get the lever into it.
You understand?

Okay, go. Go.

[grunts]

[laughter]

Did you see,
see how that worked, huh?

See what happens when you get
the lever into it? Huh?

I, uh, I wouldn't mind staying
here for the next few weeks,

but if, if we're gonna go

on that famous picnic,
we'd better get started.

- Mm-hm.
- Or the wine might get warm.

Yeah, yeah, I know...
Yeah, the wine might get warm.

[phone ringing]

Your phone's running over.

I can't get to it.

Well, I guess
I'll have to help you.

Here. There you go.

Yes?

Sam, they've promised you
three days off

and I gotta go to
San Francisco tomorrow--

Yeah, and it's for me, right?
Hello.

Yeah.

Now look, I got three days off.

They say it's an emergency.

Yeah. Alright, yeah.
Right, okay, I'll be there.

- Listen--
- "I'm real sorry.

But I've been called away."

[chuckles] Yeah.

Well, you just keep that
candle burning.

I'm gonna be right back.
You hear?

[instrumental music]

Oh, uh...
keep working on the leverage.

[chuckles]

[theme music]

[music continues]

- Uh, Marshal McCloud.
- Mr. Johnson?

- Yes, I'm Johnson.
- Oh.

- Thank you for coming, marshal.
- Oh, it's alright.

What, uh, what seems to be
the trouble?

[sighs] It-- it's the beaver.
Our New Mexico beaver.

Hasn't eaten a bite
in three days.

- Huh? A beaver?
- Yeah.

Yeah, we've been told
that you're familiar

with the New Mexico wildlife.

And our regular vet came down
with some kind of rash.

He's in the hospital
getting some tests.

Now, we need some help, marshal.

That beaver has got to
be made to eat.

[indistinct chatter]

Of course, you know there are
all kinds of beavers. [chuckles]

I've seen some with habits
that you wouldn't believe.

Never saw one that wouldn't eat,
though. You know what I mean?

Good beaver will usually just
snatch up anything

you-- you set in front of it.

Hello, little beaver.

[beaver chattering]

Tch, tch.

[beaver chattering]

How are you doing, fella? Huh?

Tch. Hm.

Well, you know,
he-- he just seems

a little bit lonesome to me.

You got another beaver
around here?

Well, uh, we did have one,

but I haven't seen him around
about a week--

- There you go, that's it.
- Lonesome?

Yeah, that's it. Yeah.

What's you need
is a backup beaver.

- A backup beaver?
- Yeah, a backup, backup.

You see, nothing...

nothing will be this lonesome
as a New Mexico beaver.

[instrumental music]

Walk with me, good people.

Once this was wilderness,

but then man cried out
that to be laid away forever

in some alien nondescript ground
was no longer enough.

Man wanted dignity.

And thus did it come to pass

that in each of our fifty states

there rose up for the populace
a Tranquil Valley,

with its mortuary,
cemetery, crematorium...

and gift shop.

And the people were glad
and they were comforted.

For Tranquil Valley offers them
eternal peace,

starting at two hundred dollars,
plus tax and limousine charges.

And now,
a view of our main building

the living, breathing heartbeat

of all that Tranquil Valley
represents.

Far more than just cashier
and the accounting officers...

I don't know how you do it, sis?

I mean, living in a cemetery in
the middle of all this stiffs.

Phew, must get kind of
depressing, huh?

Ralphie, this place was rebuilt,
stone by stone

after some very famous place
in Europe.

Yeah?

I can't remember
the name of the place,

but it was very famous,
of that you can be sure.

Listen, Marvin has his faults.

- I like Marvin, sis.
- We all like Marvin.

But he's not perfect.

However, everyone knows
that we have the most

tasteful mortuary
in the country.

[whistles]

- Ralphie...
- Huh?

I want you to sit down, come on.

- Oh, in a minute, sis.
- Sit.

That tour girl's kinda cute,
huh, sis?

[chuckles] Could you fix me
up with her maybe?

No, I cannot!

She is a happily married woman
and you're supposed to be

happily married too
with children--

Alright, alright.
Okay! So I'm happy.

Give me a break, huh, sis?
I'm in my prime.

I mean, my vital urges are too
much to-- to spend on

any one woman.

- Oh..
- Oh, I'm sorry, sis.

It's alright, baby.
Just stay calm.

I'm sorry.
Did I stain anything?

It's alright.
Sister will clean it up.

- Sister will clean it up.
- Let me help you.

Put the coffee pot down,
darling.

- Take your hat out of the--
- Where should I put it?

Just over there. That's a boy.

Now, listen, darling. Darling...

I want you to try to exercise
a little self-control.

Oh, Ralphie, I've something
very important to tell you

and I want you to try
to remain calm.

- Hm?
- Okay, so I'm calm. I'm calm.

- Ralphie--
- What you got to tell me?

- [chuckles] Oh, wait.
- Huh? What is it? A present?

- Mm.
- A surprise?

- Uh-huh.
- Yeah?

- Should I close my eyes? Huh?
- No. No, Ralph, you don't--

- I'll put my head under--
- No, Ralphie! Please!

- Come on, baby.
- What? What?

- You're my baby brother.
- Yeah.

You're my,
my little baby brother.

- I'm not so little anymore.
- No.

[laughs] Ticklish.

You remember mom and pop wanted
to put you up for adoption?

- Don't remind me, huh?
- I said no.

I said that
I would look after you.

And I have, haven't I, Ralph?

Oh, baby.

Yeah, I'm eternally grateful
to you, sis.

Everybody just thinks
I'm just this slob, right?

- But not you.
- No, baby.

You always said Ralph is gonna
amount to something. Right?

That's right.
That's right, darling.

And you will.

Darling, please, please...

What I'm trying
to prepare you for...

Hey, Ralphie, Marvin wants to
give you a break.

A break? What kind of a break?

It's big.

- Big? How big?
- Oh, it is so big.

- Really big?
- Uh-huh.

What is it? What-- what?
Is it kidnapping?

- No...
- Robbery?

Oh, you're warm, you're so warm.

- An armed robbery?
- An armed robbery!

- An armed robbery!
- Shh!

Marvin's gonna include me
in an armed robbery?

- Yes, yes, yes,
- Do I get to carry a gun?

- Shh.
- Do I...

Do I get to carry a gun?

- Come, come, come.
- What about the bullets, huh?

A gun? Is that it?

Gun. That's a gun.

- Easy, easy, easy, easy.
- "To Ralphie, from Marvin."

There, there, there.

[clicking]

There's no bullets.
Where are the bullets?

- Bullets.
- Oh, boy!

- Read the card, read the card.
- "To Ralphie, from sister!"

[laughter]

Oh, I hope they're the kind
you want.

- What color are they?
- You wait and see.

You wait and see.

Silver bullets!
Just like the lone ranger!

How do I put them in, sis? Huh?

- Ralphie...
- What?

I promised that I would get you
out of television repair.

You're the best sister
any guy could have.

- Mwah!
- My baby.

Oh, I can't wait to load it
and shoot it.

Oh, are you happy?
No. No, no.

- You shoot it outside.
- Outside.

- Outside.
- Okay.

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

[claps]

[instrumental music]

Tour guide: Those of you who
work up a good healthy appetite

during our mausoleum walk

will welcome the menu in our
Tranquil Valley Gourmet Galley

where all our foods
are organically grown here

without preservatives.

As is mentioned in our brochure,

many of the world's
great figures

lie sleeping
in our VIP mausoleums.

Among them, motion picture
greats such as

the tragic Lola Ricardo,
the Peruvian Bombshell

and such political-greats as
campus radical Morty Brewstein,

who was, of course, among the
first to advocate non-violence

while confronting the police.

[music continues]

May I help you, gentlemen?

Do you have
a Mr. Herman Fleming here?

Uh... yes.

Mr. Fleming is resting in our
slumber room number seventeen.

That's straight along
this corridor.

- Thank you.
- Mm-hm.

[music continues]

Hi.

You guys must be, uh,
Morgan and Dick, right?

- Yeah, and what are you?
- Me, I'm Ralphie.

I, uh, oh, I'm gonna be with you
for this one.

What's the matter?
Didn't Marvin tell you?

- And lo, the lone and--
- What?

The lone and level sands
stretch far away.

How small a space
we truly occupy.

Hey, cut it out, will you?

There's nobody really in that
thing, is there?

Richard, you're tense,
you're trembling.

- I don't like coffins.
- Yeah, me either, boy.

Man is perishable,
Richard.

If you'd accept that fact and
stopped this ceaseless worry

you'd have far fewer head colds,
you know.

- Head colds?
- I'm in perfect health.

- Perfect.
- You know, fellas...

I was just thinking,
I got some ideas--

- Hey, why are you doing that?
- It's hot in here.

You perspire, you go outside,
you get a cold.

Don't you know that?

How loose a grasp
do some men have

upon their own mortality.

How many head colds have you had
this year, Richard?

The normal amount. Average.

How many?

- Seventy-two head colds.
- Wow.

You do unbend your noble
strength to think

so brainsickly of things.

Hey, fellas, I don't think
this is my right size.

Well, what is that
supposed to mean?

That's Macbeth.
Act Two, Scene One.

Macbeth has committed foul
murder

and now broods upon the time
when Banquo's ghost--

Now, look, Morgan, Morgan,
I-- I've about all I can take.

Last month you filled my head
with Indian religion

now you give me this,
you give me this philosophy.

Now... You stay back.
Keep out of this.

Morgan, I don't want
this philosophy. Cut this...

Morgan, just cut it out!
Just cut it out!

- Gentlemen!
- Hey, Marvin!

We cannot continue to gather
our contraband happily

if we bicker with each other all
the time, now can we?

- Well, Morgan?
- All set, Mr. Sloan.

We hit the plant at 10 sharp,

we should return with
the fruits of our sins by 11.

Assuming, of course, our best
laid plans don't go awry.

They know a truck's coming
for merchandise.

You'll arrive at proper time,
with the proper bills of lading.

It should be simple as a temple.

Oh, don't worry
about a thing, Marvin.

We'll get the job done
for you, buddy. No problem.

[clears throat] Ralphie, you are
to watch Morgan and Dick

at all times,
you should do exactly

what they tell you to do.
No more and no less.

Right. Marvin, you're gonna be
surprised.

I mean the way
I'm gonna handle myself

it's really gonna surprise you.

- I hope not.
Dick: Mr. Sloan...

Hmm?

I mean, uh, he ever handled
any of those things before?

[sighs] Ralphie, sit down.

Would you wait outside
for Ralph please? Please?

See you later, fellas.

[chuckles] Uh, Ralphie...

You are my brother-in-law
and I promised Lucy

that I would give you a chance
and I am giving you a chance.

Heaven help me, but you should
know that this little gig

represents a profit of
two million dollars.

I know, Marvin, and I want you
to know I appreciate the chance.

I want you to know that.

Now if you should happen to
jeopardize this thing

for a single second,
Lucy or no Lucy,

you'll be back in the television
repair business by night.

Yeah, well, sure.

But don't worry about a thing,
Marvin. You're in good hands.

See ya.

You won't be sorry, Marvin.

God, I'm already sorry.

[intense music]

Hi!

You guys early this morning,
aren't you?

Always, baby.

Hey, brother, whitey been doin'
you right on his gigs?

Yeah, man, they got to.
I'm the token, you know?

Okay, building C over there.

- Boys'll help you load.
- Right on, brother.

Right on.

[Morgan humming]

[music continues]

- Hi.
- Oh, hi.

Hiya.

Hey, how'd you all come out

in that union beef?

- Uh, union beef--
- Are you kidding?

- How would we come out, man?
- Oh.

Yeah, yeah.

[music continues]

I, uh, sure enjoyed myself
at the zoo.

And I wanna thank you dispatch
fellers for allowing me

these little instructive
adventures in your big city.

Matter of fact I'll be down
to talk to you

about this as soon as I get in.
You betcha.

[intense music]

- Okay, thanks, fellas.
- Thank you.

- Hey, you wanna know something?
- Huh?

Our union ain't worth a hoot.

Yeah, you're right.

[clatters]

Get back! Get back!

[gunshot]

[engine revs]

[dramatic music]

[gunshot]

[tires screeching]

[gate crashing]

[gunshots]

[music continues]

Dispatcher: Attention all units
in vicinity,

robbery in progress.
Olton Pharmaceuticals.

Units proceed with caution.

There has been shooting
with injury, suspects are armed.

This is McCloud. I'm about
two minutes from the location.

I'm on my way.

Dispatcher:
McCloud, wait for assistance.

Units are en route.

[siren blaring]

Hijackers! Crashed
right through the main gate.

But there's one of 'em
still there!

Now be careful, we've got man
shot already.

[dramatic music]

[gunshots]

Come out of there!

[gunshot]

[Ralph screams]

I don't wanna shoot you.

If you don't come out of there

the next bullet's gonna go right
through that tin.

Ralph: No! Oh!

[intense music]

[Ralph wails]

[panting]

[siren wailing]

[dramatic music]

Well, I suppose that y-- you're
absolutely right, chief,

to be put out with, but I--

Against instructions
you went after

an armed suspect by yourself--

Well, he shot a man!

That's my point.

You could have been shot.

And the next time you're
faced with an armed

and dangerous suspect,

you will wait for assistance.

Yeah. How is the suspect?

We'll question him
as soon as his injuries

and the constitution allow.

What'd they hijack out that
place, anyway?

- Pills? Narcotics?
- Antibiotics.

A half million dollars' worth
of penicillin.

Excuse me.

They'll take it someplace
where they have

sufficient chemical equipment.

Then dilute it till it's about
four times as much of it.

And then they'll sell it
on the black market,

probably Central America.

Why do you say Central America?

That's where the need is.

Then we gotta find it before
it gets out of the country.

That probably depends
on our friend here.

If he'll talk we have a chance,
if not...

hell, a lot of sick children
will be getting

an awful lot of
impure medication.

[intense music]

And now, ladies and gentlemen

we enter the building which
houses the demonstration model

of our latest, most fashionably
designed crypt

available fully furnished
with 100% financing

on our unique lay way plan.

Upon request an eternal flame
may also be provided

as optional equipment.

I'm not interested in
approximations.

Now, you're the chemist.
How long will it take?

Well, to cut it up and dilute it

and reseal the original
containers...

figure 36 hours, Mr. Sloan.

Thirty-six, that means that we
can ship out on Friday,

it should be down
through Mexico

by the middle of the week.

- Yeah, good.
- Good. Good.

I'll see you later.
Go back to work.

Mr. Sloan? Mr. Sloan?

The publicity shots we got
of the grounds are terrific.

- Good.
- You're going to love them.

We're ready for you, Mr. Sloan.

Oh, darling. Thank you. Good.

Oh, that's charming.

[humming]

[birds chirping]

Beautiful.
Uh, Mrs. Sloan won't be coming?

Well, I did mention it to her.

But I've no idea
what's she has decided.

Now, look...

How's this?

Mr. Sloan, I've seen clients
come and go, but you?

You are sincere.
Shoot it, Joe.

Okay, choir members and kids
back in the bus.

Oh, thank you.

Now, Mr. Sloan...

Now in the last picture

I wasn't too sincere, was I?

- You were perfect.
- Oh, good.

Now I just wanna get a shot of
you on the croquet field.

At play, sort of relaxed,
having fun.

And I brought in a few cute
little white bunny rabbits,

we'll wire them to the field and
they make a nice contrast.

- People love that.
- Well, uh...

Don't you think a bit more grey
at the temples...

No, no, no.
Definitely not, sir.

At Tranquil Valley, it's your
youth we've got to sell.

- My what?
- Your youth!

The vigor and energy of the most
exciting...

funeral home in the country.

- Oh-ha!
- Now, trust me, Mr. Sloan.

A month from now, with your face
on half the billboards

and taxicab trunks in
the state, you will thank me.

Oh, Marvin dear,
I'm so sorry that I'm late.

Oh, I hope
I'm not interrupting anything?

Not at all.
I think you know my wife.

- Mrs. Sloan.
- My pleasure, Mrs. Sloan.

Oh, I've ruined the photographic
session, haven't I?

- No, no, not at all.
- I'm so terribly sorry.

- Really.
- Don't even think about it.

You're gonna be terrific
in the croquet shots.

Oh, another time, please.

These little visits to the
Crippled Children's Hospital,

they just seem to drain me
so terribly.

I'm sure they'll understand,
won't you--

- Of course, of course.
- Oh, thank you.

Hey, Joe, kill the croquet
layout and ship those rabbits!

Marvin, might I speak to you
a moment in private?

Yes. Excuse us, will you, Fred?
I'll see you later.

- Of course. Nice meeting you.
- Bye, bye.

Yes. Goodbye.

Here we go, love.

Marvin... Marvin!
I am talking to you!

Yes, dear..

Your first endeavor together...

Tour guide:
...called the pond of angels,

notice if you will the lovely
water lilies

as they come into full bloom.

Bless you. Bless you.

Bless you.

Bless you. [chuckles]

Uh, what were you saying?

Your very first endeavor
together

and not only do you let my
Ralphie get caught

by some slob of a cop...

Not to mention the fact
that he also got wounded.

Are you aware of that,
Mr. Marvin Sloan,

my baby brother caught
and wounded?

I know, I know. I know.
I'm very sorry--

And the cop who nailed him said
that he heard Ralphie confess!

It's all in the afternoon
papers,

so there's no use
your covering up

what you've done
to my baby brother!

What I have done! Really
you're out of your mind.

For five years
you've begged me

to take him into the company,
to get him away

from that television
repair thing.

And you give him a chance
at the real big money.

Now for five years--

Do any of your other hoodlums
ever get caught or shot at?

No. Just Ralphie,
just my brother!

Look, I'll tell you
why your brother gets caught!

He gets caught
because he's a ziphead

and an idiot and a slump!
That's why...

Sorry. I'm very sorry.
I didn't mean to go so far.

Really, I've done all I can to
help your little Ralphie.

I have tried my best.
Give me a little kiss.

- Don't touch me!
- No...

I'll get the very best
lawyers that money can buy

to defend that little fella.
Honestly I will.

What good a lawyer's gonna do
with all those witnesses

and that, and that stupid cop
who beat him and then hurt him

and-- and ripped
that confession out of him?

Listen to me,
please listen to me.

Now I have been worried sick
about what your brother

might let slip when the police
begin to question him.

But there's absolutely nothing
that I can do about it

without risking everything.

I mean there's
15 funeral homes here

legitimate ones.

And the biggest independent
smuggling network

east of the Missouri river.

Marvin, I want you
to get my brother

out of the police's clutches
and safely away

or I am going to leave you.

Really?

With a property settlement
that'll knock you

right back to the Bronx!

Oh.

Ruminate upon it, Marv.
Ruminate upon it.

Yes, I'll ruminate.

[instrumental music]

- Hello.
- Hi.

Who are you?

I'm Walter McKay
of McKay and Ervin.

I've been retained
as your attorney, Mr. Goodbody.

Oh, did Marvin send you?

You've retained on a
confidential basis.

Oh, I-- I get it. I get it.

What are my chances?

Now looking at your file,
I'd say that, uh,

your chances are very good.

Yeah, you can collect
on your whiplash.

Whiplash?
I don't have any whiplash.

- Think it over.
- What're you talking about?

- I'm here in a murder charge.
- You are.

Hey, what did you think it was?

[chuckles] Very embarrassing.
I got the wrong file.

Well, if we do beat
the murder rap,

we can always go
for the whiplash, huh?

- Here's your file.
- I think I need another lawyer.

Well, let's get one thing
straight, Mr. Goodbody.

You're in a mess of trouble,
you know.

No decent lawyer would handle
this case.

You think you got a good chance
at getting me acquitted?

Of course we got a chance.

But you gotta tell me everything
that happened.

You gotta trust me. Maybe
I can arrange for a payoff.

Walter: Okay?
- What do you wanna know?

- Now, what's your name again?
- Ralph Goodbody.

Mm-hm. That checks. Okay.

[sniffles] You ever been
arrested before?

Yeah, twice. No convictions.

What's the first offense?

I was caught in a school yard
littering.

That must have been
some time ago.

No, three weeks ago.

What was the second offense?

Another schoolyard.

Now, Mr. Goodbody, have you or
any member of your family

have the following diseases?

Disease?
What do you mean disease?

What are you talking about
diseases?

Don't you wanna know
what happened?

Now, let's get this straight.

If we're gonna work together,
I'm gonna prepare my own case

my own way, okay?
Now what happened?

I was part of a heist
at Olton Pharmaceuticals.

I shot a guard
and got caught.

Mm-hm. This alleged guard,
did he draw first?

- No, I shot him.
- Were there any eye witnesses?

- Seven.
- Seven!

Now, the murder weapon,
did the police find it?

I gave it to him.

You gave it to him?

Now the bullet that was fired,
was it actually found?

- Yeah.
- Where?

In the body of the guard, dummy.

You know I'm gonna level
with you, Mr. Goodbody.

I'd say they have a pretty
strong circumstantial case.

You would, huh? I knew that
before you even came in here!

What are you gonna do about it?

Rest assured on one point.

My partner and I are gonna work
on this case right away.

We're gonna drop pleadings,
stays of executions, the--

Stays of execution!
What are you talking about?

Now we're gonna earn every penny
of our fee.

What do you mean your fee?
Who cares about your fees?

Well, you say that now, but
toward the end you'll complain.

I don't care about any fees.
I gotta get out of here!

There's only one alternative

and it's only ethical
that I mention it.

To save yourself
a lot of aggravation

and people a lot of paperwork,
you should take your own life.

Take my what?
What, are you crazy?

You gotta be crazy!

I don't want you on my case!

- Get out of here!
- Listen--

I don't want you on my case!
I don't want you on my case!

I wanna warn you, you're worth
over a $100 already!

Get out of here. I don't wanna
go to gas chamber!

- Electric chair.
- I'll give you electric chair.

- Get out of here! You phony!
- Listen to me!

- You creep! Get lost!
- Oh, come on now.

There's no need to be insulting.

I've been dismissed
off of cases before.

Get out of here, you creep!

- Police! Nurse!
- One-- one question

- Get him out of here!
- One question.

- Ah!
- Who's handling your estate?

I'll give you my estate!

I'll kill him.

[instrumental music]

Don't tell me

the lights are going out
all over Europe.

No, just-- just in this room

before it gets to be
a fire hazard.

- Sam?
- Hm?

I think it's too late
for our picnic.

Even the muggers don't go out
into the park at this hour.

You know, I wanna apologize
for messing up the day.

Things just kinda got
out of hand.

Oh, only major crimes I assume.

Mostly.

What time does your plane leave
in the morning?

Early, too early.

- But it's not too late.
- Hmm.

[phone rings]

Now who?

Just my luck.

It will be the governor.

Hello.

[McCloud sighs]

Hello. Yeah.

Yeah, this is Marshall McCloud.

Who?

Oh, yeah, Mr. uh, Mr. Johnson,
yeah, yeah, from the zoo.

Yeah, of course I remember you.

Yeah, we, uh... Had a little
wildlife problem today.

Uh, what was that?

Oh. I see.

You-- you found a backup beaver
for the regular beaver.

Uh-huh.

And the regular beaver
is eating fine now.

Well, that's-- that's,
that's real good to hear.

Yeah. Mm-hm.

Which problem?

The, uh, the backup beaver

is-- is keeping
the regular beaver awake.

[chuckles]

Yeah, well,
you know, you know

how to put the little fella
to sleep? Hm?

Well, first of all you'd have to
kind of just, uh...

sort of blow on his fur
[blows air]

and then stroke it a little bit,
you see.

And then, um, then whistle
a tune to it.

[whistling]

Hm? Oh, no, no, no.
Listen, you don't...

Not that particular tune,
it's not necessary

what tune you whistle, you see,

a beaver doesn't rightly know
one tune from another.

Yeah. Okay.
Yeah, fine.

Oh, you're welcome.
Just-- just hang in there.

Do you do request?

You ever hear
my quail whistle? Hm?

[whistling]

[laughs]

Hm?

[phone rings]

McCloud.

How would you like to get the
rest of the filthy fellows

who stole those pharmaceuticals
and shot that man?

Now who is this, please?

You make it worth my while,
I can help you.

Take the first ferry
to the Statue of Liberty. Alone.

Tell no one where you're going.

Unless of course, you don't care
if I get killed

for finking to a cop.

Well, now,
look just a minute here.

Morgan:
The Statue of Liberty, Marshal.

I'll be carrying a book
with a red cover.

Unless I can see that you
aren't really alone...

Your choice, marshal.

We'll discuss my price
when we meet.

Uh...

[line disconnects]

You're getting better
and better and better.

[chuckles]

Hey, McCloud, how about some
lunch? McCloud!

[instrumental music]

[dramatic music]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[music continues]

[dramatic music]

Lot of women and children around
here, so don't make a fuss.

Just walk easy
and everything will be fine.

We have instructions to take you
to a quiet place,

where you are
to remain unharmed.

We're gonna make
a prisoner exchange.

It's not going to work,
they're not going for that

I can tell you that right now.

Tsk, tsk, tsk.
Nothing is certain.

What's that?

Don't get so tensed.

These are, these are eye drops.

I use them all the time,
it's my own prescription.

They're perfectly harmless.

A mild solution
to dilate the eyes.

Impairs the vision a bit,
but it's an improvement

over the obvious blindfold.

[grunts]

- Tsk, tsk, tsk.
- I'll put in three drops.

[scatting]

[grunts]

[dramatic music]

Slight coordination problem,
Dicky-boo?

I've perfect coordination.
I just had it tested out.

Just don't like being
on the wind like this.

- Beautiful view, Tex.
- You can catch a cold...

Sorry you can't
enjoy it with us.

Think I'm gettin' seasick.

[dramatic music]

[engine cranking]

[music continues]

Dick: Get his ID.

McCloud: They're not
going to trade me

for that fellow that got caught.

It's not going to happen,
so forget it.

[grunts]

Hurts a little bit, doesn't it?

You know, you better cooperate.
Pain is a terrible thing.

Terrible thing.

[grunts]

You do that one more time
and you're gonna have to

finish me off.

Come on, come on!

Richard, you're limping.

You know, you have a
grating voice, Morgan.

You-- you have
a grating voice, Morgan.

Why are you limping, Richard?

Who's limping?

- I'm not limping.
- Very much so.

I don't know, maybe I, uh, just
wanna stumble on the boat,

it's nothing.

Very possibly
a pinched nerve.

What do you mean, pinched nerve?
Is that serious?

- What does it do?
- Causes numbness.

- Causes numbness?
- Mm-hmm.

Well, what do you, what...

What do you do about it?

Sometimes it takes surgery.

Surgery?

Look, why don't you try
walking round?

Sometimes that helps.

Go on, walk.

Just walk around a little bit?

Morgan: Go on.

[traffic bustling]

Hey, Morgan, I think
you're right, you know,

the-- the...

Just the...

The whole leg feels numb now.

I've made my decision, Richard.

I must attend law school.

Are you kidding? Law school?

I must investigate my lawyers.

Aren't you're tired of doing
what you do without knowing

why you shouldn't be doing it?

Hey, look, in order
to become a lawyer

you need a high school diploma,
now even I know that.

And they didn't give
you one in jail, so

you're eight years behind.

- I did a lot of reading.
- Yeah.

Shakespeare, Schopenhauer,

Freud, Hughes, Adler...

[Morgan chuckles]

Spencer, Karl Marx...

- Hey, Morgan, you--
- Leacock.

Morgan, you have a-- a grating
voice, I'm gonna tell you that.

- Lexpure. Owen.
- It's... It's great.

I don't care what anybody says--

Morgan: Eldridge Cleaver!

If you're gonna be a lawyer,
you better do something

about your voice, it's grating.

This came ten minutes ago
by messenger.

I've alerted every mobile unit,
every cop on every beat

has his description...

we've contacted half the police
informers in New York City...

and here we sit.

What'd the legal boys say?

Ralph Goodbody may not
be questioned. Period.

Not till the medication
wears off completely

and he's conferred
with a lawyer.

Any history on him?

Not even a parking ticket.

[telephone rings]

Clifford here.

Hello?

Hello?

- Hello. Captain Clifford?
Clifford: Yes.

I am sure by now you know
that we have your cowboy.

Yes, but we're perfectly
willing to exchange him

for Ralph Goodbody,

at a time and place
that we can discuss later.

Now we want you to stand
directly in front

of the entrance
at the police station

at exactly 9:00 a.m.
tomorrow morning.

And if you agree
to the exchange,

you will nod your head
several times affirmatively.

If you do not agree
to the exchange,

you will shake your head from
the side to side negatively.

In which case we'll be very
happy to send you

your little cowboy
back in small pieces.

Do I make myself clear,
captain?

Now you listen to me.

Kidnapping one of my officer...

Hello?

Get me the commissioner.

Woman on intercom:
Sir, the commissioner--

Get him!

See, dear, I'm doing everything
I can for you.

Marvin, when Ralphie gets out,
I want him and Sylvia

and the kids to stay
with us for a while.

Oh, Lucy, for heaven's sake,
if he does get out,

he'll have to leave
the country immediately.

- Leave the country?
- Yes.

- For where?
- I don't know yet!

I'm trying to make
arrangements.

Yugoslavia!

Oh, Yugoslavia would be nice
for the kids!

Yugoslavia.

For heaven's sake,
Yugoslavia...

Oh, help me, help me.

Ah, Dudley!

- You wished to see me, sir?
- Yes.

How many technicians do we have
working on those antibiotics?

Oh, I've got embalming rooms
eight through fifteen

going full blast.

- And on schedule, sir.
- Good.

Now, Dudley, do you still have
your hospital credentials?

- As a mail nurse, yes, sir.
- Good.

Now I want you
inside of that hospital

at precisely 9:00 a.m. tomorrow
morning and as close as possible

to little Ralphie. Now if the
police decide not to go,

go for the exchange, if they
decide to keep Ralphie

and to question him, well,
you know, if we can't have

that little zip head,
neither must they.

[instrumental music]

[intense music]

[grunting]

Don't you...

Don't you ever touch me.

- Don't you ever touch me!
- Alright, alright!

No harm no foul.

What do you mean, no harm?

He grabbed my numb leg!

Rest easy, Tex. Rest easy.

We'll be right close by, put a
few more drops in your eyes

every once in a while.

You could be quite content here,
you know.

One need only learn to expect
that society will do its worst.

If you expect it,
you'll accept it.

Contentment.

Now try, Tex.

Be content.

[tapping]

You see what he did, Morgan?

He grabbed my pinched nerve.

There's a price tag
for everything

in this life, my friend.

Sometimes it's gotta be pain.

And, Morgan, you know,
it's, it's...

It's unhealthy in here, look at
all the dust and everything...

And I'm getting hungry,
I've got to get...

I've got to get a sandwich in me
or something.

Look, baby, life is a sandwich!

Now, Morgan, don't stall with me

'cause I'm gonna lose
my appetite.

We're pressed together
and we're eaten alive.

Oh, that's, that's, that-- that,
that is disgusting.

You know to you, I'm sure it is.

That's r...
That's really disgusting.

And, Morgan,
I'm gonna tell you something.

I'm getting very tense from you.

Not from me.
From yourself.

Look at you.

Filling yourself with violence,
illness, tension--

Violence? Vi... You're talking
to me about violence?

I've seen you get violent.
I've seen... I've...

- Seen?
- You get violent.

But I don't think about it!

What are you...

What'd I do?
What are you on me for?

What'd I do?

[chuckles]

Oh.

Don't feel badly, Dick.

At least you're not
limping anymore.

[helicopter whirring]

[foghorn blaring]

[steam hissing]

[dogs barking]

[drilling]

Clifford: Yes, sir.

Unfortunately, I, I have
to agree with you.

Right.
I'll keep you posted.

I guess I don't have to ask what
the commissioner's answer was.

If we accede to this kind
of blackmail just once

we'll face it a hundred times.
You know that as well as I do.

We can't help him, Gabe.
Not at these prices.

No, tomorrow morning
I'm going to walk out there

and I'm going to shake my head
like somebody's little puppet

and I'm going to be saying
it's perfectly alright

to kill McCloud.

[birds squawking]

[intense music]

[coughs]

Woman on PA: Dr. Corrigan,
telephone, please.

Dr. Corrigan.

Dr. Ellwood, telephone, please.
Dr. Ellwood.

Dudley!

[dramatic music]

Woman on PA: Dr. Carrey,
telephone, please. Dr. Carrey.

Dr. Helmond, telephone, please.
Dr. Helmond.

Woman: Fire!

[intense music]

[fire extinguisher hissing]

Dudley.

Come to get me out?

What's the scoop, Dudley? Huh?
What's gonna happen? Huh?

Okay, everything's arranged.
One hour.

- One hour we're gonna get out?
- Yes, yes, yes.

- We're gonna get out.
- Oh, boy.

I knew you guys
wouldn't let me down.

I'm gonna get my rings,
get my shoes.

Now listen, Ralphie--

We're busting our
way out, right?

Behave as normal as you can.
Just be ready for it.

- Hey, you know me, right?
- Well, he can depend--

- What about Marvin?
- Will you please finish--

- Marvin mad at me?
- Finish your milk.

- Okay, alright.
- He's not mad at you.

He's gonna take care of you,
okay? Okay?

Dudley, I killed a guy
down there.

Is that the electric chair?

I'll finish my milk.

Well, well, Tex.

You're headed for the
great corral in the sky.

Well, I told you fellas
they wouldn't do

any trading with you.

Now you gotta worry if that
friend of yours in the hospital

gonna blow the whistle
on all of you.

Well, he'll be dead just about
the same time you are.

[grunting]

[traffic bustling]

Come on.

[drilling]

Morgan: Come on!

[gunshots]

[dogs barking]

Officer, I'm Marshal McCloud.

Could you get me down
to City Hospital?

Yeah, the whole department's
lookin' for you, get in.

McCloud: Hurry.
They're going to kill a man.

Fire in the linen closet
obviously set

to decoy the policeman
on duty outside.

He said he was only gone
a few seconds.

Few seconds?

Long enough for somebody
to spike his punch.

What was it?

We'll check it out.

And may as well
call the coroner,

get him out of here.

Well, wait-- wait a minute,
chief,

I don't know if
I'd do that just yet.

Uh, miss, do you mind
stickin' around

for just a minute, please?

- Alright.
- McCloud.

You see, chief,
I figure that the killer,

now he couldn't risk stickin'
around here long enough

to make sure that
he did kill this fellow,

so, uh, if we could just kind
of, uh, keep it to ourselves

for a little bit, you know,
we're the only ones

who know that he's dead.

I don't understand.

Make the killer
think he bungled it.

There you go, chief. You betcha.

And I think he's gonna have
to come back and try it again.

Oh. About 20 minutes ago.

I guess they just think
he's still asleep.

Okay, yes, sir, I'll wait around
for the hollering

and I'll let you know.

Yes, sir.

Gabe, we'll, uh, we'll try
this ploy for an hour

if nobody shows,
call the coroner.

I've got a roster of all
authorized personnel.

But in a hospital this size
it won't be easy.

How are the eyes?

Good as new.

McCloud, can you remember
anything specific

that will give us some kind of
a fix on where they took you?

Well, yeah, I think if I get
back to the place

where the police car
picked me up

I-- I think maybe I got
a shot at it.

How's that?

Well, from there
I think maybe I could

feel my way or hear my way.

I know that there was a,
an off street

that, uh, had a lot of trees
on it, and, uh,

brick wall with a jackhammer
noise nearby.

They must have some kind
of construction going on.

Chain link fence
had a lot of dogs barkin'.

Must've been near the river
because I could hear

the-- the whistle of the boat.

Clifford: You get on it
and keep in touch with me.

McCloud: Right, then there's
the helicopters...

[dogs barking]

[steam hissing]

[traffic bustling]

[drilling]

[helicopter whirring]

[dramatic music]

Woman on PA: Nurse Crandall,
check with the desk, please.

Anything for the
emergency report today?

Not today, doctor.
Dull as they come.

[chuckles]

You mean there's nothing
interesting up there today?

Oh, yeah, big excitement
a while ago.

Oh?

Yeah, fire in the linen closet.

- Very exciting, doctor.
- Hmm.

Oh, yes, that's very exciting.
I'll see you later.

Clifford: I'll radio the
lab boys on the way over.

- Find anything?
- Nope.

Nothing but a transistor radio
and a table full of magazines.

Didn't see any signs
of antibiotics, nothing.

Might get a fingerprint.

Well, if we get one clear one,
we're back in business.

Yeah, we're in business,

by that time they can be
in Central America or wherever.

Are you telling me
that after all this time

nobody has found little
Ralphie's body in the hospital?

Dudley on phone: Well...

Well, something's wrong, Dudley.

Something's very, very wrong.

Mr. Sloan, I gave your
brother-in-law

enough to kill a horse,
I'm telling you.

I don't want excuses!

I want a corpse.

Yes, sir.

Woman on PA: An orderly
to Room 314, please.

An orderly to 314.

May I see
your identification, sir?

Well, I...

[dramatic music]

Young man flies very well!

Clifford: Right.

Okay, tell Lester to check
with me as soon as he gets here.

Severe concussion.
He'll get out for hours.

Who is he?

Name's Dudley.

He's an embalmer out at the
Tranquil Valley Mortuaries.

Tranquil Valley?
Well, wait a minute now.

Hold on a minute, chief.
Uh...

Didn't that-- that Ralph
Goodbody fellow,

didn't his file say that
he was the brother-in-law

of the man who owns all
those Tranquil Valley places?

That's right.

Well, that's the perfect place
to dilute the antibiotics.

What're we waiting for?

McCloud, there's not one judge
in the state of New York

who'd grant that kind of warrant
on such circumstantial evidence.

Well, what do we do?

We hold our breath
and hope the fingerprint boys

come up with a lead on the
two men who kidnapped you.

And that's it, huh?

- That's it.
- Hmm.

That's allowed by law.

Well, if that don't beat all.

I don't like it any better
than you do, marshal.

But as you say,
that does beat all.

And where are you going?

Oh, I just thought
I'd tour around a little.

Tour guide: And each and
every memorial day,

for a surprisingly
modest amount,

each gravesite here
at Tranquil Valley

is bedecked with a solitary
commemorative white lily.

The finest artificial
flower money can buy.

In our main building is housed
our newest memory-bank computer

which tells us, with only
the push of a button,

whereabouts on these
peaceful acres,

a loved one lies resting.

As we go if there are those of
you who wish to linger awhile

in our Tranquil Valley gift
shop, you'll be pleased to know

that for this week only,
Founder's Week,

all religious medals and our
specially-molded miniature

of Grants Tomb--

Sir?

- Yes, ma'am.
- Sir, they went that way.

Oh, yeah, well, uh, I just
thought I'd kinda dig around

so to speak, contemplate
the beauty of it all.

Well, we do request that
the tour which pays together,

stays together.

Uh-huh. You do?

Yes, we do.

Well, in that case, uh...

I think I'll just
head 'em off to pass.

Breathe in some of this
nice restful atmosphere.

You're doin' a bang-up job.

[McCloud scatting]

Muriel?

This is Reception One.

It's probably nothing,
but there's this cowboy

with a western hat on.

[dramatic music]

Morgan: Ah, note the poetry
of it, Richard.

Our friend Tex has fled death,

only to find that he's merely
been running toward it.

We got a break on those prints.

These, uh, just came in
from Washington.

Good.

Long felony counts
on both of them.

Both currently on parole.

And both currently employed
as graveyard technicians

at Tranquil Valley Mortuaries.

Well, looks like we can get
that search warrant now.

Send in the sagebrush
Sherlock Holmes, will you?

Uh, but he's not available
right now, captain.

Why not?

I think he's, uh, taking the
Tranquil Valley tour.

You know I am shocked,
I'm really shocked

that you suspect Tranquil
Valley's some sort of

den of ill repute.

Of course you know we do have
some very lovely inexpensive

wooden coffins of use
for welfare cases

and I think that we might
spare one for you, marshal.

I think it might be better
all the way around

if I was still alive when the
police get here, don't you?

Hmm?

Well, I guess you don't.

If and when the police do come,

they'll find no evidence
whatsoever

since you and the antibiotics
will be well on your way

to Central America.
Aldo?

You do have some sterilized
hypos there, don't you?

Be good enough to embalm the
marshal for me, would you?

Yes, Mr. Sloan.

Be a dear and roll up
your sleeves.

Lucy: Marvin, you ratfink!

You killed him!
You killed him!

Stop him! Stop him! No!

Stop! Close the gate!

Stop him! Stop him!

- Stop the fugitive!
- Who is that?

Stop everything! Get him!

Get him back!

Lock the gates! Help!

Marvin, I'm gonna
get you for this!

[intense music]

Elmer: And so I say to you,

you friends of
Judge W.J. Earl Harper.

We all have known him as a
jurist of great promise,

who had he lived, could have
arranged to sit upon the bench

of the highest courts
of our land.

Therefore I admonish you,
think not of the lies

and the libelous accusations
flung at him

by the pseudo-intellectual
Northern press.

Think not of the sordid
and unsubstantiated reasons

alleged to have caused
his very timely death.

Think only but for us,

and for the soft
and for the good judge himself

wherever he may be
there's a better day coming.

Let us now ruminate upon that
happy thought, my friends.

- Excuse me.
- He owed you money too, huh?

Well, he, uh...

Listen, listen,
would you like to buy in

on an everglades
real estate development?

The whole thing's going to be
built around an amusement park.

We call it "Reptileland."

Excuse me.

[people clamoring]

[dramatic music]

[intense music]

[car door shuts]

[engine cranking]

[tires squealing]

[gunshots]

[engine revving]

[music continues]

[tires screech]

[crashes]

[tires screech]

[crash]

[fire crackling]

Cuff him!

Gentlemen, it's perfectly
obvious that some

bad apple employees have banded
together in some fashion

for criminal purposes,
but to accuse me

a humble mortician.

Oh, come along, Mr. Sloan.

Well, I hope you have
witnesses other than this

biased creature with
the peculiar clothes.

Can a wife testify against her
husband in this state?

You better check
with your lawyer.

- McCloud.
- Hmm?

When you left the guided tour to
go roaming through the gloaming

without a warrant, you were
trespassing on private property.

Yeah, well, technically, yeah,
you could say that, but, uh...

And you will write a full report
explaining your conduct

and you will have it
in my office at 9:00 a.m.

in triplicate.

You know, chief, have you ever
been at this place before, huh?

Clifford: No.

McCloud: Oh, I tell you,
they got some attractions here.

You know, they got a guided tour

that'll escort you
through whole thing?

Clifford: McCloud...

McCloud: And down in Taos...

They'll escort you
through a graveyard...

Tour guide: As the sun sinks
beyond the monuments

of Tranquil Valley,
we are closing for the day,

to re-open our gates tomorrow
morning at 9:00 a.m.

under new management.

[instrumental music]