Original subtitles

This programme contains very strong language.

It's been a long journey, Joseph, how much further..?

A little way yet, my sweet.

Perhaps we could stop a while and rest,

the baby is heavy and making me sleepy.

Of course, my dear...

We'll soon find shelter.

Sorry to trouble you, dear sir,

but my wife's pregnant and needs to rest a while,

I was wondering if you might be able to offer us some respite

from our long journey...

What the fuck do you think I am, Airbnb?

You wanna rest, there's a fucking Travelodge three miles away.

And why's she on that donkey?

They don't like being sat on.

So, take your sob story and FUCK OFF.

Jesus Christ, what a rude man.

# The best things in life are free

# But you can give them to the birds and bees

# I need money (that's what I want)

# That's what I want (that's what I want)

(WHIRRING)

Argh...Right then, we are almost done and dusted...

Are you done? I'm done.

Thank fuck for that.Unless you want a little reindeer on your arse.

Why the fuck would I want a reindeer on my arse.

Bit of Christmas fun, innit?

But it's only gonna be funny for Christmas fucking Day, innit?

Then I'm just stuck with a reindeer on my shitbox for the rest of time.

Well, you wouldn't see it, would you?

Unless you spend a lot of time looking at your own arse.

I do, I often check it out.

And the last thing I wanna see on that gorgeous riggot of mine

is a deer.

I still need paying, though.

You fucking piece of work.

Here, Merry Christmas. Love you, mate.

(MOBILE RINGS)

Hey, Vinnie. Here he is.

Yes, fat head. What the fuck are you wearing, man?

I'm in Acapulco.

With a lady. Say hello.

Hi.

Listen, my surgery's being covered by Maureen Maguire.

No dude, not fucking Mogadon Maureen.

She's an excellent GP, she's just got an unfortunate resting face.

Listen, I've got a favour to ask you.

Course you fucking do. You know...

You're going loco in Aca-shagging-pulco

and you still want summat doing. What d'you want?

It's my Auntie Edie, she's had a fall, she's broken her arm.

Oh...If I was there I'd pop in and help but...

Please, if you can, would you mind, please.

After all I've done for you. What have you ever done for me?

Like...

Just nothing there, is there? No.

Come on, what the fuck do you want me to do with auntie... Edith?

If you could pop in, see how she is, that's all.

I'll text you her address. Please, I'd be really grateful.

Just remember every time a church bell rings,

a little angel gets its wings.

That's just not true, is it? Tis' true, course it is. Love you.

He's gone.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

EDIE: Wait a minute! No worries.

(LOCKS TURN)

(THUD) Fucking hell...

Yes? Edie?

Yes.

Vincent. Your Chris has asked me to come and just check you're alright.

Check I'm alright? You've had a bad fall, haven't you?

I'm fine, tell him to mind his own business.

What did you say your name was? Vinnie. Vi-Vincent.

No, you don't look a Vincent. You look like a Gregory.

What's happened to your neck? Nothing's happ...

Nothing's happened to it. There's not been an incident.

It's a tattoo. I've been and had that done.

Well, it's very unpleasant.

What say you just take that chain off for a minute

and we'll ring Chris, reassure him that you're alright,

and then if you want me to go away, I will.

You could be anyone, you could be a murderer.

I know, but I mean, do I really look like a murderer?

Yes, with that tattoo. Fucks sake...

OK... Fuck...

I think you should call yourself Gregory.

Like Gregory Peck.

Gregory Peck.

Who's that?

It's a nice house.

Should be, I've been here 38 years.

Was the tree here when you moved in, or what?

I hate Christmas.

Yeah, so do I, it fucking sucks, doesn't it?

So come on, what's happened? Have you had a fall?

That was the arm. The foot was a different event.

Why, what happened? Supermarket.

Since when do doors slam shut on their own.(THUD)

Ah...

Yeah, I've left the bath running.

Let me do that. No, no, no...

That's why I'm here. Let me do that for you.

You want to go up into my bathroom? A complete stranger,

what if I have private things I don't want you seeing.

Well, I'll definitely rifle through 'em!

Cos that's what this is all about. I wanna go through

your cupboards and see your old ointments.

I mean, shit, do you have anything precious in there?

Nah.

Maybe I could just go and... Yes, could you?

Cos I don't want to struggle back up those stairs after you've dragged me down.

Hell, no. This is too low, isn't it?

You don't have one of those furry bog roll covers,

like knitted woollen Russian doll type deal.

I am gonna hit the shagging roof.

Oh, fuck me! Fucking thousand degrees!

Fucking hell!

Pfff....

(MOBILE RINGS)

Fucking pockets, shit.

Hey Vinnie. How is she?

Well, I've gotta be honest with you, mate.

She's not fucking great, actually.

There's some bloody steep stairs in this house, you know?

I know. Those are the ones she fell down.

If something happens during Christmas

and no-one's around to help her,

I mean, I'd feel fucking terrible, man.

Alright, alright, don't paint me as the bad guy...

Alright then, you've made it my fucking problem.

What d'you want me to do with her, dude?

You couldn't put her up in your house, could you? Just for a few days?

I live in a shack in the freezing woods,

you dickhead. It's Christmas time. It's too cold for that.

Alright, OK, yeah, good point.

Look, er... OK, better idea.

Mm-hmm...

I'm not a child. CHRIS: Edie, don't hang up...

So, what do you think?

I don't need babysitting. I might be old and useless...

But I wouldn't look at it like that.

You've gotta look at it more along the lines of...

Old lady sitting? That, yes!

Old lady sitting. (LAUGHS) Come on...

I mean, fucking hell. It's a bit of company during this festive period.

You hate Christmas. I hate Christmas.

And I can keep you company. Look at it like that.

I can get a bit of fucking company, for Christ's sake.

(VAPE CRACKLES) (SIGHS)

Mm... You don't smoke indoors.

You don't come into my bedroom. Mm...

You don't play loud music.

You don't bring tuna into the house,

and whatever you do, don't ever - EVER...

..go up into my loft space.

Intense. It feels like a very intense rule.

I've never met anyone that's quite so serious about their loft space.

Well, you have now.

Sick.

(FESTIVE MUSIC PLAYS)

One night he looks out the window. He's like, oh, fuck me,

it's misty. I need to get old Rudolph involved.

"Rudolph with your nose so bright, won't you guide my sleigh tonight?"

Rudolph could have turned round right,

he could have been like, fuck you fat lad, the way you've treated me.

But he doesn't. Probably because - hello!

Because of the years of abuse and the resultant low self-esteem.

And to be fair, right, Rudolph gets stuck in

and he plays an absolute blinder, right.

Then suddenly - oh, suddenly - all the other reindeers love him!

They're all fucking laughing and dancing

and playing their reindeer games. D'you know what I mean?

I tell you, Rudolph being Rudolph, he'll let bygones be bygones.

What I'm saying is, right, If it had been me,

I'd have fucking petrol bombed the cunts.

And don't get me started on Good King Wenceslas.

They're starting.

Please welcome, for the annual Hawley lights switch on...

He's a massive local name,

massive local celebrity,

put your hands together for...

Mister Ian Brillington!

(APPLAUSE) (ROCK MUSIC PLAYS) Wayhey...

Hey, hey, heeeyyyy! Who the fuck is that?

He went on Britain's Got Talent and he got four fucking "No's."

Pleasure to be here. Now!

Are we ready for the countdown? ALL: Yes!

I can't hear you! Oh, don't milk it, Ian.

I said, are we ready for the countdown!(CHEERING)

OK, here, we go. Ten...

What was his talent? ALL: Nine, eight...

He did a reverse strip tease. Started naked and then...

danced his clothes back on. Oh, that sounds good.

..three, two, one...

ALL: Ooh...

(ELECTRIC SIZZLING)

(GLASS SHATTERS)

We can all agree, Oxford Street it is not. Pints?!

There you go.

# Oh, it's Christmas time, mistletoe and wine...

Oh my God, this fucking song again!

I've heard it 15 times today!

Elizabeth, Elizabeth, turn this shit off, right?

I want to pour this Christian wine

where the sun don't shine.

Fuck off.

Get off my fuckin' chair, go on.

Hello. Ho, ho, ho, ho.

Welcome to the pub, your magistrate.

I thought you were doing The Nativity.We are.

so why are you dressed as King Charles...

It's King Herod. Herod? What is Herod?

Cardi, Herod had all the young men under the age of two

rounded up and murdered.

For Christmas? Yes.

Not being funny, but do you think he might have been miscast?

Tommo!

Just sayin', your son doesn't look like a baby murderer,

with his cherubic features, his Susan Boyle hair, all that.

I tell you who does look like a baby murderer, your mate, Liam Watson.

With them ratty eyes-Send out the soldiers and have him destroyed!

Oh! Ha, ha, ha... Ohhh!

(LAUGHS)

Right there, very good acting, that's good acting.

Thanks, Tommo. Who owns a sex truck. Any more notes?

Attitude, d'you know what I mean.

Where's Vin? We don't know, nobody's seen him.

(DOORBELL RINGS)

Ey up, mate. See, it's only little that rucksack, innit?

There's not so much in there. There's just a toothbrush in there,

and some "pyjamjams" so you don't see my bits.

I've even brought some din dins, and this bloody thing here.

That's staying in my pocket.

See, all this sucking you do,

that is a replacement for your mother's tit.

You're probably right, you know. I agree with that.

My mum's tit weren't butterscotch flavour, though.

It was steeped in abandonment. (LAUGHS)

(APPLAUSE IN TV SHOW)

Is your din dins alright?

It's food, I'm eating it.

EDIE: His body's up there.

(TENSE STING)

You what?

My husband, Fred. His body is in the loft space, mummified.

Never go up there.

Mm...

Sleep well.

Oh, right...

Fucking terrifying.

(INDISTINCT CHATTER) The Nativity!

Oh my God, what the hell has happened?

WOMAN: Someone broke in last night, robbed and trashed the place.

Can we fix it?

Not easily, darling, no.

Come here.

Excuse me, would you mind Tyler for me.Of course.

(LINE TRILLS) VOICEMAIL: Leave your message after the tone.

(BEEP)Vinnie, where the fuck are you? I need to speak to you.

Will you answer your phone, please. Bye.

Two...

two for boring holes. (DOORBELL RINGS)

What's this one here? I wanna know what that one is.

I'm coming!

You alright?

No. No, come here...

Oh sausage... Mm...

Get in there, she's in the kitchen. Tell me exactly what's happened.

You know how much work the school's put in, right?

It's meant to be this huge event for the community,

meant to have a Christmas grotto

and then a big Christmas fair afterwards.

Last night, scumbags broke in, trashed the whole fucking place.

Fuck... Seriously.

Why? I know.

Fucking hell. Well, is Tyler alright?

No he's not. He's fucking gutted.

You know how much effort he put into that show.

(TUTS) Little man.

Alright, what's the school said?

Well, they want to cancel the whole thing.

Oh, no, that's bad. Yeah.

Tell 'em that I'll sort it.

And The Nativity 's back on, I'll make it work.

How? Vin, it's in four days.

I fucking know, it's a nightmare. I'll sort it.

(DOOR CREAKS OPEN) Oh...

Here she is.

Hi, you must be Edie. Correct.

Oh, I'm Erin.

Nice name.

Ah, thanks, yours is...

four letters, beginning with E.

We're the best, ha. I never liked my name.

Oh...There's not a single famous Edie, that speaks volumes,

don't you think? There fucking is!

Bloody whatsherbollocks... Edith erm...

Piaf!

Most celebrated French singer ever to live.

Also...

Edith Bowman.

I'm not Edith.

No...

Are you his girlfriend? Oh, God, no.

No, it's not like that. No.

I was going to say, because you're very beautiful.

Aww. That's hurtful.

We have a child together.

One-night stand. Long, long time ago.

Drunk, were you? Oh, God, yeah. (LAUGHS)

You'd have to be, wouldn't you?

And you got a baby from it?

Yeah, Tyler. Something's happened at his school, that's why I'm here.

What age is he? Ten.

Primary school. So, I was a primary school teacher.

In the good old days, when you could clip them round the ear.

Suppose that was a different time.

Anyway,

I only came in for my pills.

Oh, that's a nice way of doing it.

Mm, thought it might make taking them more fun.

Has it?

No!

(AWKWARD CHUCKLE)

(She's a fucking piece of work.) I like her.

(LAUGHS)

How long you here for? I don't know.

Until Chris is back off his fuckin' New Year's holiday.

Fucking... Good luck.

N-N- No, no, I've just been saving the best till last.

I need to borrow you.

What if she comes?

If she comes you'll have to let me know, won't you?

You're the lookout, you turnip. Right, go on.

Vin, get your arse out my face. It's all about...

I'll poke it. I'll fucking poke it.

Oo, I'm going in, right. You fuckin' went right in.

(SINISTER MUSIC)

Pfff....

(SCREAMS)What? What are you doing, Vinnie? What?

Fucking husband's up there, dude, fucking dead, dead.

Caught you! Whaa?!

This is the type you are. You can't be trusted.

You've got a fucking dead dude in your attic!

This is my house and I'll have what I want in here,

and I don't want YOU.

Well, fucking fine,

maybe I'll go.

Do.

Let's go. Get out. I'm going. Come on.

Good. And don't come back!

I fucking won't, dude.

OK, cokey... Vin, you can't just leave her.

She'll be OK. I'll come back later, check she's still alive.

Everything'll be fine. I'm gonna drop you at home, then Chinese Dan. It's no problem.

(FESTIVE MUSIC)

Trashed Christmas? Who does a thing like that?

They want stringing up, isn't that right, Calvin?

Stringing up. By their short and curlies.

So naturally you thought Chinese Dan - big heart,

cares about his community, a sort of Santa Claus of the Hawley area.

But you're not like Santa Claus! You're like a fucking bollock

on legs is what you are.

Now listen, it's that time of year, you get the knock off gear.

We need to sort this fucking- No Vincent, no, that hurt.

Bloody knock off gear. That's like a...

(SINGS) # ..a dagger to my heart,

# a dagger to my heart!

# It's turning me up,

# breaking me down,

# ripping me apart,

# dagger to my heart # That's not a real song.

That's on of my own compositions. (GRUNTS)

I do soft rock on't weekends.

Have you got Christmas gear in the lock up, or not?

Yeah, course we have. Reindeer, snowmen, elves...

Calvin, take them to the Christmas aisle!

Are you coming? I'm off for a shit.

Gross, dude!

# Oh, it's Christmas time,

# mistletoe and wine...

This fucking song again, honestly, it's fuckin' haunting me.

It's mainly crap that's left, with it being so close to Christmas.

Is there an Easter aisle?

He's not gonna have one at Christmas, is he, Cardi?

We do, actually. That's aisle 5.

Aisle 12's Halloween, and aisle 69's Valentine's.

It's not, cos you haven't got 69 aisles, have you?

You're lying to make it sexy. But I COULD do.

Right, we're here. What you looking for?

Jesus, it's all a bit low rent, lads, isn't it, like?

What the fuck is that, like? (CLATTER)Oh.

That, Carol, is clearly our lord and saviour, the baby Jesus.

But it has a wonky left eye

and it's only three fingers on its little hand.

We can't be too negative. It does, it looks like shite,

but there's plenty to go at. You've got your fake snow.

That's terrible stuff, innit, that? That's going in a dolphin's eyes.

Or a moron's. (LAUGHTER)

You've got the fuckin' fairy lights. They're gonna look fantastic.

What I'm saying is, there can't be much more we need for The Nativity.

D'you know what I'm saying, Calvin? We need the entire set.

Fucking costumes, an inn, Wise Three Men shit...

Where are we gonna get all of that? (MOBILE RINGS)

Oh, bloody hell. You alright, lad?

Hiya, Dad.

I'm at Jim's farm, we've got a brilliant idea for The Nativity.

Oh, you're fucking joking.

I'd like to buy these, but I think they're too "deer."

(LAUGHING)

(TYRES SCREECH) (HAND BRAKE CLICKS)

Come on, children.

Here we go, have a look at this.

Ta-dah!

What d'you think? I think that it's, well...

It's, it's very... it's very... Like, what I like is, is erm...

What the fuck is that? Yeah.Yeah.

Nativity. In fucking situ.

Baby Jesus was born in a barn. Shh...

Realistic this, the smell of cow shit.

Oh, God. Real cold blowing through the doors.

Just like Bethlehem. Mm...

They can perform it right here. For a small remuneration.

Oh, you're just the opposite of Christmas.

Who are these lads here? Three Wise Men and a friend.

They're not very wise-looking though.

They're more like the shadowy figures that haunt my dreams.

But they're temporary, on the day you'll have kid actors.

Can I just ask? This is baby Jesus represented by...

a root veg? Well, again, temporary.

Yeah... You can tell. Come here, to me.

I just want you to know that I'm very proud of you.

You're like your dad, you're a fucking do-er, alright?

We can do better. You can, yeah, definitely.

We can always do better, all of us can.

I'm gonna fucking help you out, alright? This guy is staying.

I like him. Potato Jesus, digging it big time.

(MOBILE RINGS) Shit, who's this now?

Edie? You alright, love? Fire! My kitchen's on fire.

You what? I've set it on fire.

What? What the fuck? Well, are you alright?

Listen to me, get out of the fucking house and ring 999.

I'm on my way to you. Bollocks, bollocks, bollocks.

Jimbo, Jim, take the boy home.

(HAND BRAKE CLICKS) (HORN HONKS)

(KNOCKS) (RINGS DOORBELL)

Edie?!

Edie?!

Fuck!

(GROANS) Arse...

Fuck me...

I'm coming. Oh for, fuck me!

(DOOR SLAMS)

What the fuck?!

Err, sorry, false alarm.

There's not any fucking- You're not even cooking nor nothing, dude.

I was shitting myself. I, I thought I saw smoke.

What, from your fucking cup of tea?

I thought you were on fire.

I've just been trying to sort Tyler's Christmas school thing.

Some fucker has completely written off the bloody Nativity.

Who the fuck does- What's wrong with people?

(SIGHS)

I'm sorry I'm shouting.

I'm very sweaty and I've banged my arse on the fucking gate.

I didn't think you liked me being round here.

I don't.

Shall I make you a warm drink?

Yes, please.

# NEIL DIAMOND: "You Don't Bring Me Flowers"

# You don't bring me flowers

# You don't sing me love songs

(MUFFLED MUSIC)

# You hardly talk to me anymore

# When I come through the door at the end of the day

# I remember when...

Baked beans.

Baked beans, how many?

One.

Tinned tomatoes.

Oh... Just one? One.

So, your son, he's in The Nativity? Yeah, well yeah,

he will be if we can get the bloody thing up and running again, yeah.

Acting in his blood?

Well, I wouldn't say that. But he fucking enjoys it, definitely.

Err, tinned lentils.

How many?

Two- One.

I used to do all that.

Put on shows.

I'd write them, direct them, I did all the school ones,

but also outside for a kid's theatre group.

We used to tour, we were good.

Did your kids enjoy acting as well?

How do you know I have any?

Cos you have pictures.

No, they were more into sport.

Cricket...

Joshua was, he was good at cricket.

Well, you see a lot. How do you make a living?

You've got a lot of free time, haven't you? For shopping with old ladies.

That's right, cos I'm a good lad. I'm just in a...

unique industry, growing erm...

medicinal plants.

Oh, oh, I see, I see. And that pays well, does it?

Well... The nice clothes, the nice trainers,

neck tattoos. They don't come cheap.

I've smoked a little marijuana

during my bohemian phase.

And what did your bohemian phase involve, eh?

Sex, mainly...

We used to have a lot of sex. Chickpeas.

Mm, how many? One? Yes.

I suppose young people still do, don't they,

with their grinder and whatnot. They're fucking mad for it.

It's an epidemic. You not on that?

No, I tried Tinder once, but it's awful.

It's like shopping for fucking trainers.

You're not one of the normal ones, are you, Gregory?Vinnie.

I will call you Gregory. Well, alright then...

It's a theatre prop.

What is?

The mummy. It's a prop. From a show.

The kids loved playing with it.

It was a better mummy than some of them had at home...

Fucking size of that rice. (CAR BOOT OPENS)

What is this tat? You off to the dump?

Never mind fucking tat. This is for the bloody whatsit...

for the school bloody Nativity shit. What in God's name?

What is, what is that?!

I beg you to be careful with the crown.

That's a Wise Man's crown.It's not a crown, it's a plastic tiara.

Oh, for... God, no,

Greg, no child should be subjected to a bad Nativity.

What do you want me to do? I'm fucked.

I know it's bad. It's all I can do. I'm pushed for fucking time.

Life's just a bit of a shitter.

It's too fucking drags, we're not even the house.

Oh gosh...

Oh, it's a long time since I've smoked a joint.

# "HEAVEN CAN WAIT" PLAYS

# Heaven can wait

# This is paradise...

Now, listen, I have rolled that mild.

But I still want you to take your time.

Because it is a lot stronger than...

it used to be.

Oh... Why the fuck do I even speak?

Oh, that's nice.It is. Mmm...

You see I... No, no, no, no, no,

you shouldn't do it like that. Have a minute,

cos you'll have whitey, you'll have to go on't floor,

and I'll find some chocolates to pull you out the shite.

Don't fuss. Mm...

Mm...

Too much... (CHUCKLES)

(LAUGHS)

(COUGHS)

Oh, I feel strange, don't you? I know, you've gone too far.

We're gonna have to go in. Come on, dickhead.

Oh...D'you want to come to the couch for a bit?

Just come up slow. Come up slow, come on now...

(SUCKS) Why do you...

why do you live alone in the woods, like some...

creepy, forest vagrant?

Honest to God, I don't fucking know to be honest.

I think I just like the peace and quiet of it.

Doesn't it get lonely? Yeah.

Yeah, it fucking does, yeah. And at night it's the worst.

I always wish there was someone there at night.

But then... truthfully I just want 'em gone within a few hours.

I'm just not good with people. I think it's cos Mum wasn't about.

She left me at a very early age.

So I just never really got my head around it.

Socialising.

And do you see, do you see your mother now?

Yeah... saw her once but, well...

She's got a life of her own now, really, you know?

Oh, don't let pride get in the way. I've seen that happen.

Only when it's too late and people think, why didn't I act sooner...

(SIGHS)

What happened to your husband?

I'll tell you a story...

Nice.

Many years ago,

I was walking to get a, a trophy engraved,

don't ask me why, it's a long story.

And the trophy isn't relevant. And it was raining.

And on the way back,

I saw this great big puddle of human vomit,

from the night before.

And it was a really good spread actually - carrots, obviously,

lumpy bits, all sorts, and, as I walked past,

a bird swooped down,

a magpie it was, and they're beautiful birds,

just magnificent feathers - and it started eating from the vomit,

just...

gulping down all the really chunky stuff...

Mm...

Fucking hell, is that the end of the story?

Mmhmm. Lord God.

What did any of that mean then?

That was my marriage.

And I was the magpie.

For far too many years...

Oh,

one of the boys who used to come to my theatre group, Dick Dolphin -

his real name, staggeringly -

I think he might be able to help with your Nativity.

I've heard his name before.

Well, yeah, he was in the paper for avoiding his taxes.

I did NOT avoid taxes. (CASHIER DINGS)

(LAUGHS) Cheeky bugger.

He's a businessman now. But he has a Winter Wonderland.

I was quite a big influence on him, back when he was young,

cos the theatre group gave him a sense of purpose.

I think he would let you borrow some sets and costumes for Tyler's show.

Can you have a word with him for me, then?

Well, I haven't spoken to him for a long time, but...

Yes, I will do that.

Could you get my phone, and light this for me please.

Yeah, give it here.

I feel like you might have been Bogart in this, ever so slightly.

Come here. I want you to meet Dr Chris' Auntie Edie.

Into the wonderland.

Mister Dolphin's assistant's on his way down now.

Assistant, can't he walk?

Like a real dolphin.

Here he is. (PATHOLOGICALLY CHEERFUL)Hello.

Hey.Alright, I'm Blizzard, you must be Edith.

You must be Edith's friends. Mr Dolphin is expecting you.

So if you'd like to follow me this way.

Oh, it's quite a long walk...

(LAUGHS) OK...

I feel like an invalid. Sorry, it's "elf and safety."

Oh, Christ alive. That's the Santa Paws gallery,

fun photos of dogs in festive fancy dress.

The kids love it. Do they?

What's that there, there? That's, that's Whack-a-pole.

North pole, penguins pop up, whack 'em back down.

Hey, Blizzard, come here.

So I read that you put on all these bloody plays, don't you?

You've got a stage and stuff like. You do Nativities...

We have several shows everyday. The Nativity's very popular.

Oh...We do a Christmas Carol with a female Scrooge for diversity.

We do a dance version of It's A Wonderful Life. The kids love that.

How far is this office? Oh, we're nearly there.

You see that glittery door, that's the Elf's workshop.

And Mr Dolphin's grotto. (LAUGHS) Oh...

That's exciting, innit? Sorry, excuse me, thank you. OK...

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

(BEEPING)

(SNORTS)

It's like Mister Benn that room, innit?

Go in normal, come out like a snowman...

Who's Mister Benn?

It's a kids TV show.

He went into a shop and put on a costume and then he'd come out

and go into the world of the costume.

You know like, spaceman, acrobat. It was sick.

With no training? He just started doing these jobs, these dangerous jobs.

Oh, here he is. (LAUGHS)

The man "yule" want to meet...

"Claus" he has the best Christmas Wonderland in town.

Dick Dolphin!

(APPLAUSE)

Please... No applause, no applause...

Hello, Richard.

Ah, Edie...

Edie, Edie, Edie.

How is my favourite OAP?

When was it last? '96, '97?

Time flies when you're building an empire.

And avoiding your taxes. Mmm...

Has she told you... she saved my life, this woman,

with a proscenium arch and a love of fine dialogue.

I've kept it up, you know, Edie. Treading the boards, not just here,

but with an amateur touring group as well.

Lear next year. Oh...

"As flies to wanton boys are we to th' gods:

They kill us for their sport."

Lovely... Lovely. Shit.

Come on. It was good, actually.

It's just a small thing. What d'you mean? Wow, man.

Sorry... Dick Dolphin, entrepreneur and entertainer.

Or the other way around, depending on the day. (LAUGHS)

You, oh, God, he's just such a charmer.

I'll just introduce myself properly. I'm Vincent O'Neill,

this is the gang, that's Tommo. How do.

Course, you know our Edie. Big lad's Ashley.Hello.

Cardi, JJ. And the green angel on the end is our Carol.

Ah... Well, Carol,

that is an appropriate name for this time of year.

So's Dick.

Have you seen it, my wonderland? My... magical kingdom.

We've seen it there a minute ago. You should stick around tonight,

we're doing a thrilling new version of The Snowman,

written by yours truly. (It has a happy ending.)

Be careful, love, you'll put your back out.

A...nd he's back up.

It's a wonderful thing you've created here, Richard.

I can't believe that little boy that I coached

has transformed into the Winter Walt Disney.

Thank you.And we've come to ask a little favour.

Favour?

Greg'll tell you. Yes.

Hoodlums have come and they've trashed The Nativity

at my son's school.

Mm-mm.We're just doing our best to sort of pull together

some sort of a bloody Christmas play type deal.

And of course Edie, having spent so much time with you

and knowing that you have this wonderful place

and how you might be able to help us out with sets, or costumes?

Props. Props of Nativity-based stuff.

Right, right.You know, she said how much they'd all meant to you.

Did she, did she now?

She did. It's a small favour,

with all the wonderful stuff you have here.

You will make a lot of children so happy.

A small favour...

Sometimes everyone needs a favour, don't they?

And if you get one it should always be repaid...

Mm... Exactly.

True.

But...

Edie...

Let's just...

..travel back through time, shall we?ALL: Oh...

Back to when I were 14 years of age and the BBC, God bless 'em,

they were making a drama in Hawley. Do you remember?

Well, I went to the open auditions, and I got through to the last three

to play Snelly, the son of an unemployed factory worker

who overcame his loneliness

through his friendship with a semi mute tramp.

Yes, I do, I do remember.

Do you?

And do you remember saying you'd take a young Dicky

to the final audition in city centre Manchester?

This was all a long time ago. Yeah.

That was a small favour, wasn't it?

One that could have catapulted young Dicky Dolphin to fame and stardom.

But, alas, ladies and gentlemen,

she didn't show up.

Oh...

Fuck me, he's held on to that one, hasn't he?

I had my reasons... Shit, yeah, err, bad times,

just leave them in the past and focus on't Nativity.

Hey, hey.

Mm...

Despite appearances, I am not Santa Claus.

I can't just give away parts of my wonderland

to the first Tom, Dick, or Greg who walk through the door.

So...

Oh Dick, Dick, fucking Dick!

Please, we just desperately need help.

I understand that we're asking a lot here.

Fuck me, it's Christmas, dude.

And you could make a lot of children very happy, man.

Children?

Happy?

How about you ask her if she's made her own children happy.

How about you ask her why they don't speak to her anymore.

How about that?

It's a NO.

Ho-ho-ho!

You're not fucking clapping for that twat.

(CLEARS THROAT) Can I get anyone eggnog?

You can knob off Blizzard. Take your puns with you, you twat.

Get me out of here. Get her out of here.

I want you and I want fucking you. Come here right now.

You two are fucking recceing this place.

We're gonna rob that penis dolphin dickhead. D'you hear me?Yeah.

VINNIE: Right, fucking listen up now. Edie can't hear any of this.

Go on, JJ. JJ: This...

is the main area of the Wonderlands, OK?

But as we all saw, these doors here, they lead back stage.

So, I clocked the security code as Blizzard put it in. 2512.

Why would you choose that? It's difficult to remember.

It's Christmas Day, Cardi.

We're gonna go in late, and when no-one's looking

we're gonna sneak backstage, like we work there,

head as confident as you like into the costume cupboard

where we're gonna dress up in whatever the fuck we like, alright?

From then on, we're gonna merge back into that bloody party

like we were always part of the fucking show.

Until 10pm. That's when the lights go out and everyone goes home.

Except, WE will be hiding inside the wonderlands.

When the lights go out, take whatever the fuck we want

and we are gonna exit at the exit.

Now I want you watching Edie. Oh, why me?

I want you watching- Because you are sensitive and you're kind.

It's what she needs. Also, she might accidently kill herself.

Just keep your eye on her, alright? Good lad.

It's nothing to do with what Dick Dolphin said, I'm just tired.

Come on, Edie. Open't door for just a second.

No.

Alright, well, listen. I've gotta nip out and do one or two things.

But I've, I've got my friend Cardi here,

who's beautifully house trained just in case...

Where are you going? You're not gonna steal anything?

No, no.

Just...

stuff to sort out.

You alright, you seem a bit down? I'm fine.

Fuck.

(SWITCHES CLICK)

Surprise! I wanna come with you.

No, no, no... no, no. You are not coming with us.

Every fucking time you come on a job you just fuck something up.

Like when?

When have I EVER messed up any of your fucking jobs?

Mind out that prop there, Jim.

No, no, no, no, no, no, no...

(CRUMBLING) (INDISTINCT CHATTER)

I mean, fuck me, dickhead!

Practically bomb proof. (SCREAMS)

(GUNFIRE)

Oh fuck, ah! Fucking me you knob head.

Oh, come on, lads, it's the season of goodwill, innit?

The fucking peace and forgiveness and all that bollocks.

Just suck out all the joie de vivre.

You can come on the job. I swear to God, dude,

if you fuck something up,

I'll put the star of Bethlehem up your pee hole.

D'you hear me?

Yeah, alright. Let's fucking go.

Get the fuck in front of us you.. Get out of here.

JJ.

Lovely jumper, you knit it yourself. (LAUGHS) I'm joking.

Oh, God.

I don't know why Santa chose reindeers, they can't even fly.

Produce good milk, though, high in protein.

They're probably why Santa's so fat.

You look like Santa. Except thin and ugly.

You cheeky little cunt.

Naughty list!

(CRIES) Yeah.

Dad... You're getting nowt!

Oh, come on, knobhead!

(BEEPING)Lads, wait for me, fucks sake.

So, it's straight through here to the fucking costumes.

Shite! Elf! ..working bloody hard here.

I've not even been nominated for Elf Of The Month. There's a cupboard!

(SHUSHING) I'm fine, I'm just a bit...

I'm just a bit stressed at the minute. A bit overwhelmed.

Right, job... Shhh....

This is all well and good, but how we gonna know when he's gone?

Shit. I think we should send Jim out,

because other Jim did not meet him the first time we met him.

Yeah, let the fuck up begin. Be positive!

What I think you should do, right, go in there and pretend

you've got dementia and you've wandered in by accident.

Cos I'm not being funny Jim, but I do think it'll be believable.

More than fucking believable. Hey, hey, you fucking listen to me.

Get out there, distract that elf. Prove yourself.

Yeah, yeah, just leave it to the expert.

Reindeers at five.

Finish at six. Snowglobes tomorrow.

I'll breathe, I'll breathe, I just...

Ho-ho-ho.

Hello..?

Shall I tell you about Elves...

Please do... Father Christmas.

In the past, Elves were said to take away human children,

curse 'em and drive 'em mad.

Oh, can you show me where the nearest bathroom is?

I need to deposit my yule log. Yeah, wai... have we..?

Come on, I'm touching cloth here! Yeah, I...

Fucking hell. Have I known you?

Let's go.Sick. Come on, let's get the costumes on.

(DOOR OPENS) Sick! Fantastic. We've gotta be as quick as we can.

Find something that fits, put it on, let's get back to the show.

Right, can I just say, though, I will not be a fucking elf.

(HARD ROCK MUSIC PLAYS)

Everything OK, can you manage?

I'm fine.

Here, let me, I can... No.

So, what's your deal then?

How d'you mean?

Do they often leave you behind?

No.

No, no, I'm actually an integrated...

not integrated... important...

..p-part of, of t-the team.

You have a kind face.

You remind me of one of my sons.

Right.

W-w-which one?

The fat one, Carl.

Oh, I can see him now, he'd be standing there.

He'd say, "Mum, let's have a dance." (CHUCKLES)

He'd put a record on - Neil Diamond, or Elkie Brooks,

and he liked the 70's for some reason.

And then he'd want us to...

just float around like Fred and Ginger.

That, that must have been nice.

Yes.

Yes it was.

I bet they r-really love you.

(CUTLERY CLINKS)

I can dance with you, if you like?

I mean,

I got two left feet and-and well, you've got a foot cast on,

but w-we can try.

# ELKIE BROOKS: Don't Cry Out Loud # I know a lots about her

# 'cause you see

# Baby is an awful lot like me

# We don't cry out loud,

# we keep it inside

# Learn how to hide our feelings,

# fly high and proud

# And if you should fall... (SOBS)

# remember you almost had it all...

Edie,

are you- are you OK? I'm fine.

You're, you're crying.

I said I'm fine, for God's sake.

I just want, I want you to go now. Err, was it the song..?

Oh, I'm sorry. No, no, I'm, I'm...

I'm tired. And I just want to be alone.

I-I-I can't, I promised Vinnie.

This is my house and I want to be alone.

I'm a grown woman and if I say I want to be alone,

I should be allowed be alone!

Yeah, sure,

I'm s-s-sorry.

# "JINGLE BELLS" PLAYS

(CHILDREN LAUGH) # Jingle Bells, jingle bells...

Tommo, come here, come here.

Right come here, come on. Now listen to me now.

You find yourself an hiding place.

When I give the signal, you know, just disappear

while they shut the place down.

And keep a fucking low profile. Don't let me down.

Especially you. What?

Just fuck off and get your stupid fucking Santa outfit on.

Oi! The hell have you been? What?

You're from the agency? Yes.

You're on stage in two minutes.

And try not to slip on your own baby oil like the last idiot.

What?! But I... hang on. Hang on. Hang on.

(CHILDREN CHEER) Ten thousand curses.

(EVIL LAUGHTER)

Your foolish chatter has sealed your doom...

(AUDIENCE BOOS)

Found him.Jesus Christ, Aladdin's padding like fucking mad out there!

He's about to rub the fucking lamp, come on.No...

Come on.

(SMOKE HISSES)

C'mon, get up there!

(THUNDER RUMBLES)

Who dares disturb, err,

my slumber... (KIDS LAUGH)

Gosh, who are you?

I am the Genie, the most awe-inspiring,

ground-shaking,

the best Genie you've ever known about. Here, give me that mic.

It's important to note that you don't have to think

that it's selfish...

Just to be wishing for things.

It gives me a sense of purpose... Shit.

..and self-respect. I thought you said low profile?

I fucking did.That's important, isn't it, kids, respect?

KIDS: Yeah!

Yeah. Oh, no, it isn't. ALL: Oh, yes, it is!

Oh, no, it isn't. ALL: Oh, yes, it is!

How does that sound to you, Aladdin?

I hate Pantomimes, they've been ruined now by lefty snowflakes.

You can't have ugly sisters anymore,

Snow White has to be fucking green!

It used to be an harmless bit of fun: slapping dwarves

and lifting up Cinderella's skirt to reveal enormous knickers.

It's just a terrible loss, innit? Yeah.

You know what? DJ fucking run that shit

and we'll pop the roof off this bitch. Let's go.

For the love of Christ.

(BEAT STARTS)Yeah. Oh my God, that's perfect, let's go.

Sit yourself down.

(RAPPING) # You made me grow big when you rubbed my lamp on

# Didn't mean it like that, kids, that came out wrong

# It's inappropriate, that, yeah, I'm sorry, OK?

# Let me do a Genie rap now to brighten up your day

# See I'm a mystical man, with a heart full of gold

# Tell me who you are lad, a good lad, or bold

I'm... # Aladdin the bind, or Aladdin the pick up,

# Aladdin better watch it, cos the Genie can be fickle

# I've been stuck up in the lamp, I've been cramped up like this

# Not a corner to chill, not a pot to piss in

# Been wishin', my mission's been to grow and break free

# I'll give you what you want with these wishes three

# I know it's hard to ignore a lot, my lyrics flow

# Not to impose but your father's hot, second row

# These other Genies they can't sing, they've no flow

# It's like they're broke in a strip club

# They've no notes, I'll say Genie, if you say rap, Genie...

ALL: Rap! # Genie

ALL: Rap! # Listen I say Genie,

# kids, if you say "rope"? Genie ALL: Rope.

# Genie ALL: Rope.

ALL: Whooo!

Oh...

(WHOOPING) (APPLAUSE)

Ha, ha, ha, ha...

That was brilliant. He's reasonable.

Thank you so much. Good job. Get the fuck out.

KID: Woo! Come on, Ireland!

Get off!

(PANTING)

# JONI MITCHELL: "Both Sides Now"

# Rows and flows of angel hair

# And ice cream castles in the air

# And feather canyons everywhere

# Looked at clouds that way

# But now they only block the sun

# They rain and they snow on everyone

# So many things I would have done

# But clouds got in my way

# I've looked at clouds from both sides now

# From up and down...

Thank you...

Alright, Cardi, are you alone, sweetheart?Yeah.

Oh, careful!

(SIGHS) Where's the others?

They're on a job but I were left to...

give, err, given a different... role.

Oh well, my husband used to say, you're never alone with a pint.

(LAUGHS)Mind you, he was a functioning alcoholic.

That wreaked havoc with his libido. That's why I took a lover.

Another?

Err, yes... b-b... Why not?

Why not?

(SWITCHES CLICK) (HORSE NEIGHS)

# "CAROL OF THE BELLS" PLAYS

# "CAROL OF THE BELLS" PLAYS ON RADIO

Jim, I was class back there, you should have seen me.

Oh, no, you wasn't! Oh, yes, I was!

Oh, Rottweiler,

you can get a nasty bite from them cunts.

But lucky for you, I can train a vicious dog in seconds.

How do you plan to do that?

Nosey. Shot. The crow.

Well, I'll take the man, if you take the mutt.OK.

# NICK DRAKE: Day Is Done

# When the day is done

# Hope so much your race will be all run

# Then you find you jumped the gun

# Have to go back where you began

# When the day is done

# When the night is cold

# Some get by...

(MUSIC STOPS)

(EXHALES)

No!

(GRUNTS)

(MOBILE RINGS)

(GRUNTS)

(MOBILE BEEPS)

(WHIMPERS)

VOICEMAIL: Please leave your message after the tone. (BEEP)

Hi Edie, err, it's Cardi.

I just wanted to see if you were alright.

I'm in the pub, I thought maybe, if you wanted me to come

and get you, you could come for a drink.

Err, anyway...

Alright, love you, bye. I don't love you, I don't...

I don't not love you, but...

Ah, just call- call me back.

Oh fuck that. Telling a fucking old woman I love her.

Already done that once, I got married.

(HORN HONKS)

(MOBILE VIBRATES) Fucking hell.

What's going on?The last of the staff come through now.

They're all gone. There's no sign of Dick Dolphin.

Alright, now listen to me, you go and sort the security guard out

and I'm gonna go find this Flipper cunt.

We're on.

(DOG BARKS QUIETLY)

Quiet.

What the fuck..?

Come on.

(MUFFLED SCREAM) Got you.

(DOG BARKS)

Sit.

Down.

Good boy.

Can you make him roll over?

I can make it fucking knit if you want.

(LAUGHS) Stay!

Come on.

(LAUGHS) Dog! (DOORBELL RINGS)

Edie..?

(KNOCKS)

Edie..?

(GASPS) Ah!

Ah, help...

Help...

# TCHAIKOVSKY'S "DANCE OF THE SUGAR PLUM FAIRY"

DICK: You've terrorised this town for long enough..."

And he goes, "Oh, but Mr Dolphin, who's gonna stop me?"

I'm the strong and unbeatable.

Before he can finish...

Dirty Dick does a flying kick through the air.

THUMP! Grinch on the floor. (MOBILE RINGS)

Oh, fucking God.

What the..?

(SCREAMS)

What the..?

(SCREAMS)

Well, get him!

# CYNDI LAUPER AND THE HIVES: "A Christmas Duel"

(MEN SHOUT)

# And went down on your Mother

# I set your record collection on fire

# And said I never knew

# Felt kind of bad about that

# And I know you did too

# So whatever you say It's all fine by me

# Who the fuck anyway wants a Christmas tree

# Cause the snow keeps on fallin'... (MUSIC STOPS)

(THUD)

# So whatever you say, it's all fine by me

# Who the fuck anyway wants a Christmas tree

# Cause the snow keeps on fallin'...

(VINNIE GRUNTS) # Even though we were bad...

(DOORBELL RINGS) (KNOCKS)

Edie, it, it's me, Cardi...

Listen, I know, I know you said leave,

but I had this strange feeling, and...

EDIE: Help! Edie... Oh fuck.

Edie..? In the loft.

Edie? Edie?

Help! Shit.

Alright, wait, hold on, I'm coming up. I'm coming up.

Hold on, hold on.

Edie, fuck. Are you- are you OK?

I think- I think I've broke my arm. Which one? Which one?

It's not the one that's already broken, you idiot.

Yeah, no, good point. Shit, right, hospital.

Let's get you out.

Oh, careful, no careful, careful, careful.(GRUNTS)

(FESTIVE ROCK MUSIC)

Right, you lot, grab the fucking stuff and let's go!

(MOBILE RINGS)

Fucking hell.

Hello? Cardi!

What's going on, lad?!

You fucking what? Jim, go, go, go!

(EXCLAIMS)

Cardi, fucking hell! What's happened? Where is she?

It's just some scratches, man. I'm so sorry, Vin.

No, no. Listen, listen, dude, it's my fault.

It's my fault. What was she doing in the bloody loft.

She was looking at fucking photo albums.

They were all over the floor. Lord God.

I think it was her husband and kids, or summat.

Are you alright? Yeah, fine. I'm fine.

Well, which way is she? Sorry, in there.

Alright. I love you, dude. Yeah, you too, man. Love you too.

Don't be sad.

(DOOR OPENS) Here she is!

(LAUGHS)

You look fucking well, eh?

Can't leave you alone for five shagging minutes

without you falling through a bloody ceiling...

I know where you've been,

your friend told me.

Was it a success?

Yeah it was, yeah. We've done really well.

Good, he deserves it.

I hope your child's show is a triumph.

Hm, should be.

So Cardi told me

that you went into the loft, looking for photographs.

All that shit Dick said about you and your children...

It's just nonsense.

He's right.

I was a bad mother.

No, I can't see it.

I was!

Not always. Not when they were little,

but later.

Why?

What did I tell you, about the magpie and the vomit.

Mm...

Fred had always had affairs. I knew about some, suspected others.

But then I found out about...

..Maggie, my best friend.

And that was the day of Dick's audition.

It had been going on for over a year.

And something inside just snapped.

I could literally feel my heart breaking...

And...

I wanted the kids to hate him as much as I hated him.

And when they didn't, that just made me worse...

Oh...

Your friend,

he danced with me,

like my boy used to dance...

Oh,

what I'd give to dance with him now.

To have my boys by my side...

Well, it's not too late, is it?

No matter what's gone on, no matter what's happened,

you are their mother, they'll still want you.

Too much has been said.

A wise old woman once said to me,

don't let pride get in the way.

Oh,

I was a good person once, Greg.

I always told my pupils that,

even though they were growing up without money,

or the chances that others had, they could still do great things.

(SIGHS) They were my happiest days...

(SIGHS)

I feel really hot for a snowman.

(CHUCKLES)

Ah... Too sore?

Little bit.

ERIN: I think we need to start putting the haystacks on the stage.

Actually, Ash, will you put... Here he is.

Erin?! Yes, yes.

Mrs whatsherbollocks... Weatherall.

Weatherall. She happy with all this? Yeah, she's really happy.

Come here to me. What?

Wait till you see, ha...

Wait till you see the fucking director I've got us.

Who've you got?You'll never guess, but she's a very special lady.

Now what I want you to do, I want you to...

run to that wall and run back! Run to that wall and run back.

And run back to me. Put your hands up in the air.

And put them down. And run back to the wall again.

Run back to the wall again. Very good.(LAUGHING)

I fucking love her.

It doesn't matter if you're playing a shepherd, a sheep...

What part you're playing you are all absolutely vital.

Aw... Bless her.

ALL: We're doing The Nativity!

That's it.

(KIDS SING) # Let men their songs employ...

# While fields and floods, rocks, hills and plains.

# Repeat the sounding joy, Repeat the sounding joy...

One time, one time.

# Repeat, repeat the sounding joy.

# Joy to the world

# Joy to the world

# Joy to the world... #

(CHEERING) Yeah!Wow.

Oh, children, that was spectacular, wasn't it, ladies and gentlemen?

Very good. Yes, very good.

Truly wonderful.

And I would like to say a heartfelt thank you

to a special person who has helped us achieve so much

in so little time.

Please, welcome to the stage,

an amazing theatre director and an inspiration to many,

many children,

Miss Edie Barnes!

Come on, let's have you. Come on. Go on Edie!

Edie now! Edie now!

Edie now! A few words, Miss Barnes.

Erm...

I just want to say...

..if you think about the story you've just watched,

it's all about the kindness of strangers.

And...

And I know first hand the difference that can make.

And for all these children

who had their hard work undone by thugs,

I hope the kindness of strangers has helped them too, because...

this world up here -

this magical place, the stage -

and the imagination it opens up in us,

can be an escape from the toughest parts

of our real lives.

And I'm very grateful to have had another chance to be a part of that.

And I'd like to thank this man here

and all these wonderful children.

(APPLAUSE)

One final surprise.

An ex pupil of yours, Ian Brillington...

You're fucking joking.

..from Britain's Got Talent, would like to sing in your honour.

Oh... (DOOR OPENS)

It is... It's him am' all! (LAUGHS)

Fucking hell. He's got the same fucking jacket on.

Miss Barnes,

you inspired me...

..and so many others... Everyone...

(EDIE GRUNTS) ..join me...

(SINGS) # The child is a king

The carollers sing...

You're fucking joking. No, no, fucking hell, man!

It's fucking, no, I'm not having it. I'm off, I'm not having it, no!

Fucking Christ, wake me up in fucking January.

# Dreams of snow

# Fingers numb, faces aglow

# It's Christmas time

# mistletoe and wine

# Children singing Christian rhyme...

(SONG CONTINUES)

# With logs on the fire

and gifts on the tree...

(Boys, thanks so much for coming.)

(It's gonna be a bit of a surprise, innit, Christ? Best of luck.)

(DOORBELL RINGS)

What..?

Oh my, my... Boys...

Mum.

Happy Christmas.

Oh, come, come here.

Oh God. Oh God.

Come in, come in, come in...

Come in, come in.

Thank you.

(MOBILE RINGS)

Hello Christoph, how's your holiday?

Jemima's a bloody nightmare, she has the intellect of a fish,

how's auntie Edie? She's good, she's good, yeah.

Having a good Christmas actually. Yeah, she's enjoying herself.

Auntie Edie? Enjoying Christmas?

What have you given her? Cannabis, fucking loads of it, dude.

She's gone through two 20 bags.

That's an animal. For a beginner, that's insane.

I threw a whitey before she did.

Honestly, she sent me out for Bounties...

(LAUGHS)

# The lights are turned way down low

# Let it snow! Let it snow and snow! #

# SIR JOE QUARTERMAN AND FREE SOUL: (I Got) So Much Trouble In My Mind

# I got so much trouble in my mind...

AccessibleCustomerService@sky.uk