All language subtitles for Airplane II The Sequel 1982_track3_[eng]

( dramatic theme plays )

(Battlestar Galactica
theme plays )

( dramatic theme plays )

Watch your step.

WOMAN ( over P.A.):
All Pulsar Four
mining personnel

report to the Resource
Expedition office, level seven.

( buzzer sounds )

( bell rings )

( buzzer sounds )

( bell dings twice )

No, not on
a four-hour layover.

OPERATOR ( over phone ):
Operator. Can I help you?

ALIEN VOICE:
Phone home. Phone home.

OPERATOR:
Please deposit $6 million
for the first three minutes.

WOMAN ( over P.A.):
All lunar passengers,

please check with passenger
processing, level three.

That's us.

Will Scraps be able
to sit with us, Dad?

We'll have to check,
Jimmy.

It's a pretty long trip
to the moon.

Hi there.
Can I help you folks?

Thanks.

Oh, is that your puppy, son?

Yeah. Scraps is going
to the moon with us.

No dogs are allowed
on the shuttle, son.

I'm afraid Scraps
will have to be shot.

( gunshot )

Scraps!

He shot him!
He shot Scraps!

Just joking!
Blanks. See?

Scraps is fine.

( laughing hysterically )

I says, "Whenever
you're in town, call me."

Dinner in first class
tonight

will be bean sprouts
and broccoli.

Fine.

And chanting
or non-chanting?

Chanting, please.

Don't worry about
the Viatex account.

We have a buy-or-sell option.
We can't get hurt.

Just keep on top
of their legal people, Bob.

Will do.

And, Bob...

feed the cats.
Will do.

I'm sorry, ma'am, you're
only allowed one carry-on.

( baby mewls )

Oh. All right.

Bye-bye.

Thank you.

( baby cries )

For the best computer officer
on the mission.

Oh, Simon,
you shouldn't have!

I guess I'm a pretty
lucky woman, aren't I?

Women and
the space program

have come a long way,
but after the wedding,

no more complicated computers
for my little girl.

Darling, they've
offered me a chance

to head up the computer
analysis division.

You're gonna head
the division in charge of babies

for Mr. and Mrs. Simon Kurtz.

That's an order, lieutenant.
Come on.

Where's the passenger
processing lounge

for the lunar shuttle?

Concourse lounge C,
fourth level.

Thanks.
Next.

How long is my parking permit
good for?

Two hours.
Thank you.

Yes, next.
What's the fastest animal?

The cheetah. Next?

Should I fake
my orgasms?

Yes.
Thank you.

Next.

( dogs barking )

( barking and snarling )

( yelping )

This is Mission Control.

We have clearance on two-niner
for shuttle prelaunch checks.

TransDelta 6, you are clear
to descend to 15,000

and hold until
further notice, over.

There's a high-pressure front
moving in over Denver.

Low of 56 in the valley,
high of 72 at the beaches.

The Supremes hit
the top of the charts

with this really big one
in the '60s, "Baby Love."

I have a collect call for
a Michael Reese from his mother.

This is only part of
our Mission Control.

Right here we have

re-entry for all
Earth orbit ships.

That's handled
by the computers

and simulated by
these video units.

Now if you'll step
right this way...

Phoenix 6,
you're programmed

on R-two-niner
and computer locked.

Computer lock acknowledged.
Over and out.

Well, gentlemen,

looks like it's out
of our hands now.

MAN:
Janet, they need you in Control.

Right.

( computer beeping )

( controls beeping )

Aw, shit!

( sirens blaring )

Commissioner,
we both know

that shuttle needs another month
of prelaunch testing.

Forget it, Bud.
But, commissioner...

I said forget it.

Mayflower is the first
lunar shuttle to fly

from a commercial terminal.

The boys on the board
want that flight on schedule!

Do the boys on the board
know about safety?

The boys on the board
are under heavy pressure

from the boys downtown.

( "MacArthur Park"
blares from elevator )

( inaudible dialogue
under music )

( elevator dings )

( "Raindrops Keep Fallin'
on My Head" blares )

--pressure from
the boys downtown.

I'll be the one they crucify
if that shuttle screws up.

( buzzer )

( buzzer )

( ringing )

Not so fast.
Okay, freeze!

Well, these navigational
charts seem okay.

I don't think there'll
be any problem.

Hey, why the long face?

I'm still worried
about the shuttle.

You saw Ted's report,

and he is the program's
top test pilot.

Was the program's
top test pilot

until his
mental breakdown.

Sweetheart,
the opinion of a madman

doesn't impress me
or anyone else in the program.

The trial proved that.

Ted Striker's
part of your past.

Marcia?
( buzzer )

Jewel!

( wolf howling )

( man groaning )

MAN:
It's for your own good.

No! Aah! Hey!
It's for your own good!

Settle down!

Please, may I have
this bedpan?

I have to give it
to somebody else.

I'll bring it right back.
Mm-mm.

Please, Mr. Goldberg!

So the company's actually
doing pretty well.

We received the figures
for the last quarter.

They show a 40 percent increase
over the past year.

Visiting hours are over.

Doctor, do you think my brother
will be able to come home soon?

Hard to say.
It's a difficult case.

He still thinks
he's an accountant.

Thank you, doctor.
You must believe me...

Invest in money markets!

And how are we
this evening, Ted?

All right, I guess.

You can take off now.
We'll finish up tomorrow.

I thought you might
like a paper.

Thanks.

My God!

DOCTOR:
What's wrong?

They're launching
the XR-2300.

You know what that is, doctor?

The muffler bracket
for a '79 Pinto?

No. That's the XR-2200.

The 2300 is
the lunar shuttle.

It's got to be stopped!

Don't you understand?

They framed me and put me here
to keep me out of the way.

Ted, the first step
on the road to mental hygiene

is admitting
that you're sick.

( echoing ):
You're sick, you're sick,

you're sick, you're sick...

Now listen to me, Ted.

Our only concern
is your condition.

Your alpha scan reading
seems to be leveling off.

Is that a good sign?

( chuckles )

It does the job.

MAN:
I can't stand it!

I refuse to pay
$2,000 a day

for a hospital bed,
rotten food,

horrible nurses,
rotten doctors!

What's his problem?

The man's
obviously crazy.

By the way, I spoke
to Elaine this morning.

Elaine?

Was she here?
No, she called

to tell you
that she's marrying Simon.

( Ted spits violently )

Why don't you tell me the whole
story from the beginning.

After all,
that's why I'm here.

There's really
nothing to tell.

My story is no different
than anyone else's story.

I'm sure you've heard it
a thousand times.

Anyway, it all started
during the war.

I lost most of my squadron
over Macho Grande.

Planes too.

MAN:
You're too low...

too low...too low.

After the war,
I couldn't go near anything

with a pair of wings.

Until fate dropped me
in the seat

of a 767 into Chicago
with no crew.

It's funny how fate can
make heroes out of cowards.

After that came
the job offers,

then the publicity...

Then the crash
and the trial.

Order! Order!

Now this.

Well, there's more, but I'm sure
you'd all be bored by it.

Oh, no, no, no.
Continue.

( gunshots )

( thud of falling bodies )

( bombastic theme plays )

MAN ( over loudspeaker ):
This is Mission Control

at T-minus-one hour,
43 minutes.

Ground crew report to stations.

( explosion
and electric sizzling )

( explosions )

This is Mayflower 1.
Get me the Sarge!

Hey, Sarge! Hold up!

Here it is.

Give me that radio.

Kruger, this is the Sarge.

There's no way this
could have passed inspection

without Simon Kurtz's okay.

What the hell's going on?

Patch up the damage.
Get that ship ready to fly.

That's an order, mister!

You got it, mister,

but you can tell
your boys on the board

that this thing stinks
to high heaven of kickback.

You heard it, boys.

Now what do you say?

ALL:
Screw him!

Ted Striker was right when
he test-piloted that sucker.

What did he get
for telling the truth?

A one-way ticket
to the funny farm!

( spits )

We don't have much time.
Let's move.

( siren blaring )

( dog barking )

MAN:
♪ It's up to you ♪

♪ The Love Boat ♪

♪ Soon will be
Making another run ♪

♪ The Love Boat... ♪

WOMAN:
Thank you.

( both speaking in Japanese )

May I help you?

Yes. I'd like this
TIME and Newsweek

and a Life Saver
and, um...

The second time bomb
on the right, please.

Certainly.

( bomb ticking )

There you are.
Thank you.

Will there be
anything else, sir?

No.

( ominous theme plays )

( brakes squeaking )

( camera shutter clicks )

Hi, Grandma Rudy!

Oh, it's good to see you!

Just a few more hours
until liftoff.

I'm very excited,
Simon.

Guess this is
a first for you, eh?

No. I've been
excited before.

STRIKER:
Elaine!

Ted! What are you doing
out of the hospital?

No time for that.
Are you on that shuttle?

Both of us, Striker.

When we return,
we're getting married.

Elaine, it has
to be stopped.

But, Ted, the invitations
have already gone out.

No. I mean, the flight
has to be stopped.

Come on, sweetheart.

Elaine!

Simon, give me a moment
with Ted alone.

All right. You've got exactly
ten minutes till we board.

Striker, I'd watch my step
if I were you.

Ted, this whole thing's
all in your mind.

( Simon trips and falls )

You should have never
left the hospital.

Elaine, whatever
happened to us?

Ted, I guess I'll always
love you, but I need Simon.

He's stable
and a good provider,

and I need that
at this stage of the game.

He doesn't run away
from every challenge.

He doesn't let every little
setback eat him up inside.

Now goodbye, Ted.

I'd like you
to meet your captain...

Captain Oveur.

Gentlemen,
welcome aboard.

Your navigator, Mr. Unger,
and first officer, Mr. Dunn.

Unger.
Oveur.

Oveur.
Dunn.

Gentlemen,
let's get to work.

Unger, didn't you serve under
Oveur in the Air Force?

Not directly. Technically,
Dunn was under Oveur,

and I was under Dunn.
Yep.

So, Dunn, you were
under Oveur and over Unger.

Yep.
That's right.

Dunn was over Unger,
and I was over Dunn.

See? Both Dunn and I
were under Oveur,

even though I
was under Dunn.

Dunn was over Unger,
and I was over Dunn.

Do you have any tickets
for the lunar shuttle?

There haven't been any available
seats for weeks now, sir.

MAN:
What you want?

I got pairs. I got singles.

Check 'em out, y'all!
$400, lunar shuttle tickets.

Check 'em out, lunar shuttle.

What you want?
What have you got?

Lunar shuttle
tickets, $400.

I got smoking, non-smoking,
first class, coach, economy,

by the aisle,
by the window.

Take it easy,
my man.

Lunar shuttle tickets!

Hi.
Hi.

Thank you. Hello.

Hi.

Three of you
to the left.

Hi.

Can I take your case, sir?

No.

Howdy, girl.
Hello.

Keep that thing moving.
How's it going?

Everything's fine, Sarge.

SARGE:
Well, I'll be
a monkey's uncle!

Ted Striker.

Jack, I got a bad feeling

in my gut
about this mission.

Two checks.
More technical jargon...

(over headphones):
♪ At the car wash ♪

♪ Working at
The car wash, yeah... ♪

What's happening, bro?

Atmosphere
control okay.

Atmosphere control...
Check.

Antigravity check.

All right.

Checks out
in positive mode, sir.

Check.

Checks out
in negative mode.

Check.

Neutral balance
seems all right, sir.

Good.
That should do it.

Antigravity off, sir.

Oof!

I hope this weather

doesn't give us a problem.

Mr. Dunn, what's
your temperature reading?

Uh, 98.6, sir.

That sounds normal.

( overlapping conversations )

(inaudible dialogue )

WOMAN 1:
You should have gone before
we got on the plane.

WOMAN 2:
Excuse me, I think you're
in the wrong seat. That's mine.

Elaine, wait. Listen to me--
What are you doing?

Why can't you just
let me live my own life?

It's more than just your life.

It's the life of everyone
onboard!

We've gotta
stop this flight.

( bell dinging )

Ted,
we're taking off.

Elaine, why don't you
trust me anymore?

Because you're not
the man you used to be.

You should never have
left the hospital.

Please, take your seat.

Elaine!

( bell dinging rapidly )

Well, it looks like that
weather's starting to clear.

Satellite photos look clear
over Wyoming and Connecticut.

We just heard
from Detroit.

How's she look over
Reno and Buffalo?

Clear. Check the Jersey suburbs.
Right.

Mayflower 1, you're
clear on two-niner

to taxi into
launch position.

Roger. Ready to taxi, over.

MAN:
T-minus-30 seconds
and counting...

( dramatic theme plays )

Mark T-minus-20 seconds.

( electric sparking )

( engine revving )

OVEUR:
Ignition.

MAN:
T-minus-nine,

eight, seven,

six, five,

four, three,

two, one.

( Battlestar Galactica
theme plays )

You have liftoff,
Mayflower 1! Acknowledge.

Roger, Control.

This is Mayflower 1.
Acknowledge liftoff.

( bomb ticking )

We'll be serving breakfast
in a few minutes.

Will all three of you be eating?
Yes, thank you.

Jimmy, when you're finished,
I'll take you up front,

and you can look
at the cockpit.

Gee, that would be neat.

I sure am glad they let Scraps
ride with us.

I bet Scraps
is gonna love the moon.

Do you think things will be
different on the moon?

It's gonna be terrific!

A whole new world,
New kids to play with.

Does that mean no more headlines
about the rape trial?

How many kids get a chance
to live on another planet?

No more kids yelling,

"Your old man's
a psychopathic sex pervert"?

Look, a man can make
an honest mistake.

Anyway, she was
asking for it.

They're all asking
for it all the time!

( thinking ):
Dad never slaps me
around at home.

It must be
his coffee.

( thinking ):
No. I've been
serving Dad decaf.

Hmm. Maybe
he's just an asshole.

You know, dear, this reminds me

of the first train trip
we ever took.

Out to your mother's
house, remember?

How could I forget?

You were so nervous
about meeting my mama.

And I declare,
you were pacing the aisle

all the way from St. Louis
to Sioux Falls.

( chuckles )

And how about the time
we hopped in the family car

and drove all the way
to Woodstock?

Oh, that was a time.

And you got hold
of that bad acid

and didn't come down
for two weeks.

You kept telling everyone
that you were Jesus Christ,

and then you jumped
off a roof

'cause you thought
you could fly.

What a bummer.
No shit.

( ominous theme plays )

You look
a little green.

Are you all right,
young man?

You know, some people
get airsick, but I never do.

I must have
an iron constitution.

I'm all right.
Good.

I guess what's really
bothering me is my whole life.

Hmm.

I really can't figure
where Elaine and I went wrong.

I'm sure you know
what it's like

when two people
share the same space.

( burps )

Then something happens.

Your vibes
go out of sync.

( melancholy theme plays )

I thought we shared
a very special kind of love...

but I'm not sure I know
what love is anymore.

( hacking and coughing )

I guess it all started
at the trial.

They had to cover up
for the crash,

so they made me
the scapegoat.

I had no one
to turn to.

I'm sure you've had
the same experience yourself.

I couldn't believe
what was happening to me.

MAN:
I think it's important
that we establish a few facts

so these people will be prepared
to make a fair decision.

First, were you or were you not
the chief test pilot

for the lunar shuttle
XR-2300?

Yes.

On the fifth day
of October this year,

that shuttle crash-landed
during a test flight.

Were you or were you not
the pilot on that flight?

Yes, but I wasn't--

And, Mr. Striker,
is it not true...

( water splashes )

...that that crash was a direct
result of your incompetence?

No! The problem was with
that ship, not with me.

The wiring was shorting out
under high temperatures.

It wouldn't take
a re-entry burn.

That thing was a death trap!

( woman screams )

( glass breaks )

The fact is, nothing serious
was wrong with that ship.

Ted Striker just folded up
on the approach.

That's a lie!

Order! Order!

On March 5, 1980,

Flight 209 into Chicago
lost its crew in midair.

And on that fateful night,
Ted Striker saved that plane.

I'd like to call one of
the passengers from that flight,

if it pleases the court.

Do you swear
to tell the truth,

the whole truth,
nothing but the truth?

Ain't no thang.

Would you describe,
in your own words,

what happened
that night?

Check it, bleed.
Bro was on.

Didn't trip.

But the folks
was freaking, man.

Hey, and the pilots
was laid to the bone, homes,

so blood hammered out
and jammed ship.

Tightened that bad sucker inside
the runway like a mother.

Shit.

WOMAN:
I know I wouldn't
be alive today

if it wasn't
for Mr. Striker.

I find it difficult
even now

to think about that
night over Chicago.

Please try, Mrs. Hammen.
It's very important.

Well...

W-we lost the crew...

And...

the food poisoning
made us all very ill.

I lost control.

We all did.

And then...
the bad weather...

( thunder crashes )

...and the lightning...

I've got to get
out of here!

Calm down! get a hold
of yourself!

Stewardess, please,
let me handle this.

I've got
to get out of here! Ahh!

Calm down, now.
Get back to your seat.

I'll take care of this.

Calm down!
Get a hold of yourself!

Doctor, you're
wanted on the phone.

Everything's going
to be all right.

Just calm down.
I'll handle this.

I've gotta get out of here!

This is very important!

Oh!

JUDGE:
Let the court handle this.

( sobbing )

Will you please
control yourself?

Bailiff, valium!

I flew with Striker
during the war.

I'll never forget the night
we bombed Macho Grande.

Striker was
the squadron leader.

He brought us in real low,
but he couldn't handle it.

Buddy couldn't handle it.
Was Buddy one of your crew?

Right. Buddy was
the bombardier.

But it was Striker
who couldn't handle it.

And he went to pieces.
Andy went to pieces?

No, Andy was the navigator.
He was all right.

Buddy went to pieces.

It was awful,
how he came unglued.

Howie came unglued?
Oh, no, Howie was a rock,

the best tail gunner
in the outfit.

Buddy came unglued.

And he bailed out?

No! Andy hung tough.
Buddy bailed out.

How we survived
was a miracle.

Then Howie survived.

No. Afraid not.
We lost Howie the next day.

Over Macho Grande?

No, I don't think I'll ever
get over Macho Grande.

Those wounds
run pretty deep.

ELAINE:
Ted and I were
very close once.

We had the kind
of relationship

where we laughed
and laughed and laughed

all the time.

Do you know what it's like
to laugh like that?

Yes. Yes, I do.

Then things started
to come apart.

He-- He was obsessed
with that shuttle.

He started to talk
about it all the time,

even at night in bed,

and I guess that's when
the real problems started.

Please elaborate.

Well...

At first, sex between us
was a wonderful experience.

The way
he touched me...

He was so gentle.

He'd unbutton
my blouse...

and then...

And then...

( jurors groaning )

We drifted apart.

I'm-- I'm sorry.
I can't go on.

At the request
of this court,

Mr. Striker has undergone
a psychiatric examination.

The court calls
Dr. Franklin Stone.

Can you give the court your
impression of Mr. Striker?

I don't do
impressions.

My training
is in psychiatry.

Of course.

In your opinion, doctor,

was Ted Striker competent

to fly and land
that shuttle?

The defendant suffers from
chronic psychological stress

and in a pressure situation
can snap just like that.

Like that?
That's it.

It is my opinion he is a danger
to himself and others

and is in need
of treatment.

JUDGE:
Mr. Striker...

this court recommends

that you be confined
to an institution

for treatment until such time

as you are deemed fit
to re-enter society.

( gavel bangs )

But I was framed!
I'm not guilty!

That ship did have
faulty wiring!

Would you hold
for a picture?

( shutter clicks )

I'm not guilty!
I'm not guilty!

Ted! Ted!

( gasps )

How about a photo
for the Daily News?

Of course.

Thanks, counselor.

Picture!

( shutter clicks )

It's for Ted's
own good, Elaine.

STRIKER:
I thought I was right
and everyone else was wrong.

Now I'm not sure
of anything anymore.

Well, there's
a lot more to the story,

but you probably
heard enough already.

I don't want
to go on forever--

( ominous theme plays )

( instrument panel beeping )

Uh, captain, I'm picking up an
overheat in the computer core.

How serious is it,
Mr. Dunn?

Uh, I can't tell, sir.

You can tell me.
I'm the captain.

I can't really localize it, sir,

but it's definitely
in the computer core.

Elaine, run
a computer check.

Yes, sir.

COMPUTER:
Voice interface.

There's an overheat
in the core.

Please analyze problem.

There is no apparent overheat.

Yes, there is, R.O.K.
We read a core overheat.

Repeat analysis.

Analysis confirmed.

All systems compute positive.

Well, not from where
I'm sitting, they don't.

Look, Elaine, cut the
"not where I'm sitting" shit.

It must be a human error.

Captain, I think
we have a computer foul-up.

I see.

Well, what do you
recommend, captain?

You'd better run it
through the computer.

Sir, I already have!
Good.

Just to be safe, should
I check the rear data banks?

No. Why don't you check
the rear data banks.

Yes, sir.

( ticking )

Sir, you should really
put that case

in the compartment
above your head.

Uh, I'll keep it
with me.

I can help if you
can't get it up.

I said I'll
keep it with me.

( ominous theme plays )

Ted.
Elaine.

We can't go on like this.
Listen to me.

You don't understand,
we have to go back.

I understand perfectly.
We had something special,

but it's over.
We can't go back.

This flight has to go back.

That wiring could
blow any second.

There's nothing wrong
with this ship.

The problem's in your mind,
where it's always been.

Then you do think
I'm insane.

I'd never use
the word "insane."

What word would you use?

The word is "sick," Ted.
Goodbye.

( men speaking in Chinese )

Uh, sir, that overheat
is getting worse.

I'd better get back
into the core and check it out.

Thanks, but I'd rather
you check it out.

Uh, right.

We're carrying emergency fuel
back there as well.

You get back there too.
I'll stay and fly the ship.

OVEUR: Be careful.
Yes, sir.

Captain, do you mind if Jimmy
here takes a look around?

Oh, of course not, Mary.

Come on in, Jimmy.
Hi there.

Thanks. Boy, there's
a lot of neat stuff in here.

This is the nerve center
of the whole ship.

Say, that sure is a cute puppy.
What's his name?

Scraps.
Scraps.

Can I hold him once?
Yeah.

Come on, Scraps.

I used to have a puppy
like this when I was a kid.

You like to play
ball with him?

Yeah.

Like to throw a stick
and have him bring it back?

Yeah.
Of course you do.

Well, my goodness,
Scraps is a boy, isn't he?

( growling )

Yeah.

Jimmy, do you like it

when Scraps holds on to your leg
and rubs up and down?

( crackling and sizzling )

God help us.
Look at this place!

Check those fuel drums.

I'll take care of the computer.
Right.

( dramatic theme plays )

Did you ever wonder why
dogs sniff each other in the--?

Well, captain,
everything a-okay?

Yes, everything's fine.
Right, Jimmy?

Yeah. Everything's
real neat up here.

( console beeping )
That's strange.

( beeping continues )

What's strange, captain?

It's an asteroid field.

There's nothing
in this sector, unless--

Unless what, captain?

Well, unless we're off course.

Captain Oveur, Dunn here.

OVEUR:
Come in, Dunn. Over.

There's been a pretty
bad fire here, sir.

We're going to have to
disconnect the damaged systems.

Mr. Unger is attempting
a manual shutdown right now.

R.O.K.:
What are you doing, Dave?

DUNN:
Well, sir, the computer has
suffered some pretty bad damage.

R.O.K.:
This is highly irregular.

Right. Right.

I just hope we can still control
R.O.K.'s higher brain function.

Do what's necessary.
I'll go to manual control.

Yes, sir, we will-- Oh!

Jesus! Hang on!

I'm trying to override
R.O.K.'s circuit

and shut the door from here!
Almost got it!

Holy shit!

( screams )

( "The Blue Danube Waltz"
plays )

( music stops )

Did you see that?
Excuse me?

There's two crewmen
out there. Look.

I'm afraid there's nothing
out there but empty space.

I swear I...

DR. STONE:
The defendant suffers
from psychological stress

and in a pressure situation
can snap just like that.

( echoing ):
Like that, like that,
like that...

Maybe they were
right about me.

My God,
maybe I am cracking up.

( rumbling and creaking )

What's happening,
captain?

We're off course
and computer-locked.

That fire in R.O.K.'s core
played havoc

with his higher brain functions.

Mr. Dunn and Mr. Unger were
sucked out an air lock

in the computer room.
Both together?

BOTH:
Mr. Dunn and Mr. Unger
were sucked out an air lock

in the computer room.

Don't panic.
Calm down, ladies.

Now, are there
any other problems?

Captain, we've run
out of coffee.

Damn! I told them 100 times:
store extra coffee!

Captain, what should we do if
the passengers start to panic?

This is the way
we're gonna play it.

Mary, I want you here in case
there's a full-cabin press.

Testa, cover Mary's weak side
in case she gets double-teamed.

BOTH:
Right!

Captain, I don't think
we have any alternatives.

I see. What do you think
our alternatives are?

( rumbling )

We have to disconnect
R.O.K.'s higher brain function

without disturbing
his regulatory system.

That computer has
a self-defense mechanism.

Dunn and Unger tried
to disconnect it.

You heard what happened to them.
I know. Sucked out.

( thunder crashes )

Still, it's our only chance.

It might be safer to try it
from up here.

Roger. You'd better get back
and monitor the regulatory unit.

Right. Good luck, captain.
Don't worry about me.

( indistinct chatter )

Ladies and gentlemen,
please calm down.

Please listen to me.

I want to tell you
what's going on with the ship.

Thank you.

We've been thrown
off course just a tad.

WOMAN:
What's a tad?

Miss, what exactly
is a tad?

In space terms, that's about
half a million miles.

MAN:
Oh, that's interesting.

( overlapping chatter )

The bumps you feel
are asteroids

smashing into the hull
of the ship.

Also we're flying without
a navigational system

and can't seem to change course.

Miss, are you telling us
absolutely everything?

Not exactly.
We're also out of coffee.

( all screaming hysterically )

( ominous theme plays )

( beeping )

( dinging )

Listen to me!

Your crew is in complete
control of the situation.

( dinging )

Trust me.

There's absolutely
nothing to worry about!

( dinging )

You're right.

They're off course and heading
straight for the sun.

I've seen enough, Bob.

ANNOUNCER ( over TV ):
Two minutes for high sticking!

Get me Steve McCroskey,
and fast.

McCroskey hasn't handled
a tower since the strike.

Since Reagan fired
the controllers,

he's been completely senile.

Yeah, but what about McCroskey?

Pretty much the same as Reagan.

I don't care.
Get him!

Well, Father, I've led
such a sinful life.

You see, I'm married
with two kids,

and there were these
two girls at the company.

I got them pregnant, so I had
to steal from the company

to pay for the abortions,
and I--

( sneezes )
God bless you.

Thank you, Father,
thank you.

I've always
loved you, darling,

but I have to tell you I was
unfaithful to you, just once.

Oh, I understand,
darling.

Remember Jill,
my first secretary?

Forgive me.
That's all right.

I knew about it
all the time.

I was unfaithful too.

I understand, darling.

Remember Susan,
your last receptionist?

( clears throat )

I don't mean
to sound forward.

I mean, I know
I don't know you,

but I don't think we're going
to live through this,

and I've, uh...

never...

been with a man before.

I-- I know this really
isn't the place.

Oh. No, no.
I understand.

WOMAN:
Who turned off the lights?

( glass breaks )
( people exclaiming )

( ominous theme plays )

( beeps )

R.O.K.:
What are you doing, captain?

This is highly irregular.

( theme from
Mission: Impossible plays )

( Oveur coughing )

Get me some coffee, miss.
Yes, sir.

And a quart of Geritol
and a ham on rye-- No cheese.

Yes, sir.
Welcome home, sir.

Here's the navigational charts.
Oh, good, good.

Get radio contact
with that ship. Pronto.

Pronto.

Here's the available information
on the sun.

That thing is hot!
Aah!

Get me Bud Kruger immediately.

And some ice.
Yes, sir.

Jacobs.

I want to know everything
that's happened up till now.

Well, let's see,
first the Earth cooled,

and then the dinosaurs came.

But they got too big and fat, so
they died and turned into oil.

And then the Arabs came,
and they bought Mercedes Benzes.

And Prince Charles started
wearing Lady Di's clothes.

He took her best summer dress,
he put it on and went to town.

Things sure haven't changed.

Captain, I think we've got a--

Captain?

Captain Oveur, what's wrong?

( coughing )

What's wrong?

What are you trying to say?

What-- One...

One-- One-- One--
One what? One word!

First word?
First syllable?

Captain, I'm not
very good at this.

Ten words!

How to Succeed in Business
Without Really Trying.

What am I saying?
Oh, throat.

Throat. Sounds like "choke."

Choke. You--

Choke. Oh, my God!
You were gassed by R.O.K.?

I got it!
I got it!

Elaine, I think--

Simon, the captain's
been gassed by R.O.K.

Hmm...
Simon, we're way off course.

You're right, Elaine.
We are off course.

My God! The sun!
What is it, Simon?

The fiery ball at the center
of our solar system,

but that's not important now.
We're headed right for it.

We've got to get off this ship.
( rumbling )

Don't be a fool, Simon.
We have to change course.

Forget it.
We're computer-locked.

The manual navigation
system is down.

Then Ted was right all along.

What am I gonna do?
My career will be ruined.

What about the careers
of the people on this ship?

The lawyers, the architects,
the dental hygienists?

Forget about them, Elaine.
We have to think of ourselves.

What happened to the man
I thought I loved?

I'm gonna get Ted.

Just don't come apart
on me now.

I-- I don't mean
to sound forward.

I mean, I know
I don't know you,

but I don't think that we're
gonna live through this.

And I've never been
with a man before.

I know that this
isn't the right place...

Damn! Until we get through
to them, our hands are tied.

We gotta make plans.
I'm busy right through Friday.

Stinson.
But how about lunch Saturday?

You contacted the families
of the passengers and crew?

They're outside.
They're not happy.

( incoherent shouting )

Try and calm them down.

For God's sake,
be diplomatic.

Give them the lead!

( dramatic theme plays )

( liquid bubbling )

( screaming )

Ted, listen to me.
We've lost the crew,

and Simon's turned
to jelly.

Ted, we need you!

Elaine, you were
right about me.

I folded up
over Macho Grande,

and I folded up
on the test flight.

I crack under pressure
just like they said.

You overcame
your drinking problem.

I know you can
overcome this.

It's no use, Elaine.
I just can't do it.

Ted, you were right
about the ship.

I-- I don't know
how to say this,

but maybe in this mixed-up,
topsy-turvy world of ours,

they should take all
the "sane" people

off the streets
and lock them up

and let all the psychopaths

out of the asylums
to run the world.

No, I guess on second thought,
that's a bad idea.

What I'm trying to say
is I was wrong,

and I hope you can forgive me

because we need you in that
cockpit now more than ever.

Excuse me, ma'am. There's
banged-up people back there.

I'm going to need
fresh sheets, gauze, Q-tips,

and all the Vaseline
you have onboard.

Ted, please!
Right now.

Are you the nurse?
Yes. Take this.

The washroom's just
down there on the right.

I don't mean
to sound forward.

I mean, I know
I don't know you,

but I don't think
we're gonna live through this.

And I've never been
with a man before.

I mean, I know this isn't
the right place...

Simon, I--

MAN:
This is Mission Control.
Do you read, Mayflower?

Hello, this is the Mayflower.
Come in, anyone.

Okay, okay.

Now we're making
some headway.

Yeah, we read you, Mayflower.
Identify yourself.

Well, this is Elaine Dickenson.

I'm 5'8", 123 pounds,

I have, uh,
brown hair, blue eyes.

I enjoy surfing,
backgammon,

and men who aren't
afraid to cry.

Would somebody please tell me

what a woman is doing up there
in charge of that ship?

Well, maybe she's got
her ship together.

( indistinct chatter )

MAN:
But he smells so bad.

( woman gasps )

Can I sit here
for a second, mister?

Oh, yeah, sure.

Be careful with that food.
I'll be careful.

Can I ask you
a question?

What is it?

It's an interrogative
statement

used to test knowledge.

But that's not important
right now, mister.

Is my dog Scraps gonna make it
through all this okay?

I'm scared, mister.

Somebody has
to do something.

( inspirational theme plays )

Scraps is gonna
be fine, son.

You'll both be just fine.

Striker, you gotta listen to me.
I had nothing to do with this.

They forced me to cut corners.
Get out of my way!

You gotta help me, Striker.
For Christ's--

Elaine--

You're all alone up here.
Ted, yes, I am.

What's going on?
There's no time to explain.

Sit here, Ted.
I was wrong about you.

We all make
mistakes, Elaine.

I'll never make that mistake
about you again.

Let's just forget about it.

We're not living in the past
or the present anymore.

This is the future.

Huh?
Don't worry about a thing.

Everything's going to be okay.

I love you, Ted.

( romantic theme plays )

Oh, here it is.
Elaine Dickenson.

She's the ship's
computer officer.

Jacobs, what have you got
on Dickenson?

Well, I'm 2 inches taller,
a better dancer,

and much more fun
to be with.

Ted, I have
the strangest feeling

we've been through this
exact same thing before.

Except this time, I know
exactly what I'm doing.

But, Ted!

You mean...
That's right.

We're at the mercy
of that computer.

Then these things
are totally useless.

This is Mayflower 1 calling
Mission Control. Do you read me?

At last, a man.
That's more like it.

Hmm?
Yeah, this is Mission Control.

Identify yourself
and give me your position.

The name's Striker.

I'm sitting down
and facing front.

Why would you want
to know that?

Striker?

Striker, Striker, Striker,
Striker, Striker, Striker!

Striker.

Ted Striker?
That's right, McCroskey.

I may be sitting
in the cockpit,

but I don't think there's
a hell of a lot I can do.

We're at the mercy
of the computer.

( radio static )

McCroskey, do you
read me? Over.

Striker? come in.
McCroskey!

Striker, you're fading out.
Come in, over!

We lost them again.
Could be those sunspots.

Could be your dish detergent.

Striker flew that 767

into Chicago years ago
without a crew.

Now, would somebody tell me

what in Sam Hill
he's doing up there?

The radio's gone dead.
Elaine, try the emergency phone.

Help us, please.

RECORDING ( over phone ):
Thank you for calling the
Mission Control emergency line.

All our operators are busy,
so please stand by.

Ted, it's a recording.

Let me have that.

We said all our operators
are busy, so please stand by!

The boys downtown
are taking the heat

from the boys
in Washington.

The president's gonna
want an explanation.

I told you 100 times,

let the boys in Washington
handle the president.

Sorry to pull you out of bed.
I was reading.

What's the story?
It's about an old man

who catches this fish,
but that's not important now.

Sir, we have restored
radio contract.

Good.
We keep losing their radio.

McCroskey, give it
to me straight.

What's it look like?
A radio?

Well, it's about so big, green,
with numbers, lots of knobs.

I mean the situation.
What do your people think?

( thinking ):
They're screwed.

( thinking ):
They're dead.

( thinking ):
Did I leave the iron on?

( dramatic theme plays )

Come in, Control.

McCROSKEY:
We read you. Come in. Over.

I gotta be straight with you.

I don't think
there's any way

I can regain control
of this ship.

Striker, this is Steve
McCroskey, chief controller.

Now, I want you to listen
to me now and listen good.

A few years ago
I helped a young pilot,

who I think we both
remember,

through a storm
over Chicago.

He said he couldn't do it too.

But when the going got tough,
that kid pulled it together.

You might have read about him.

He made all the big papers
and the Canadian Jewish News.

I don't know if
that kid's still got it,

but if he has,
I know one thing:

if he was up there now,
he'd find a way

to turn that bucket around

and get the hell
out of there, pronto!

I'm afraid you gave
the wrong speech.

I'm not your problem.
It's the ship.

The fire made
the computer go berserk.

We've lost the crew,

and we're locked
en route to the sun.

All right,
now here's what you do.

Stay calm, keep an eye
on those gauges.

Things are gonna start
to heat up.

We'll try to figure out
some way around that computer.

What are
we gonna do, Ted?

Elaine, we're going to
have to blow the computer.

Blow R.O.K.?

( dings )

That's right, Elaine.
There's no way you can do it.

What do you mean?

That computer has
a self-defense mechanism.

I don't know how
we can get around it.

We've already
lost three men,

and I don't want
to lose you too, Ted.

Then I guess
it's in God's hands now.

I'm Father O'Flanagan.
I'm a man of God.

And you must trust me
when I say

it's very likely
that we're all going to die.

( all screaming )

( blowing whistle )

( upbeat jangly theme plays )

Our top story tonight,

four-alarm fire rages
through downtown Buffalo.

Also in the news, lunar shuttle
heads for the sun

and certain disaster.

Our top story tonight,

four-alarm fire rages
through downtown Tokyo.

Also in the news,
American lunar mission

locked in death struggle.

( roaring )

A four-alarm fire
in downtown Moscow

clears way for a glorious
new tractor factory.

And on the lighter side
of the news,

hundreds of capitalists are soon
to perish in shuttle disaster.

( gunshot )

If this country was run
by vegetarian women

rather than
flesh-eating men,

this whole
space disaster

would never
have happened.

Right now
we're working

to raise
the consciousness

of the vegetarian
minorities

with diet sensitivity
training

so that people
will be able

to deal with the fal--

The key to this whole thing
is their computer.

Until we can figure out a way
to put that ship on manual,

there's nothing we can do
from down here.

Get me that computer program.
Yes, sir.

Who's in charge here?
McCroskey, controller.

Hallick, Homicide.
Jacobs, Sagittarius.

What's your problem?

We've got a few of our own,
so make it good.

A passenger is carrying a bomb,
might be suicidal.

That's a good one.
Passenger's name is Joe Salucci.

Supposed to fly to Des Moines

for an operation
to do with sexual impotence.

The Des Moines Institute?

You know it?
ALL: we're familiar with it.

Joe gave his wife
this insurance policy.

Then he got on the shuttle.

Mrs. Salucci thinks
he might be suicidal.

So we had the boys in Psychiatry
do a profile on him.

Yeah, that looks
pretty bad.

It's not his good side.

Now, the way I read it,

blowing up a plane in space

leaves no traces
for the insurance investigators.

This is a million-dollar policy.

( both whistle )

Hey, wait a minute.

This is auto insurance!

That's why we're worried,
gentlemen.

This clown's impotent, suicidal,
and incredibly stupid.

And that spells
trouble in my book.

Oh, yeah.

Trouble. Trouble.

( ominous theme plays )

Stinson, get me
those Mayflower plans.

Yes, sir.
You, clear that table in there.

I'll get the cards
and the bridge mix.

And somebody
get me the Sarge.

( suspenseful theme plays )

The heat in this cockpit
is getting unbearable.

You can fry an egg
on this control panel.

( sizzling )

Ted, I don't know
what's going to happen to us,

but I want you to know now
I love you and always will.

( panel buzzes )

That might be the news
we've been waiting for.

This is Mayflower 1. Over.

McCROSKEY:
Striker, I got news for you.

Roger.

You got a passenger aboard
named Joe Salucci.

He's carrying a bomb.

A bo--
No, not a "buh," a bomb.

Do you hear me, Striker?
Yeah, I heard you, McCroskey,

but what am I supposed to do?

Get that bomb.
I don't care how, but get it.

That's our top priority.

All the other problems
can just wait.

As if we don't have
enough problems already.

You'd better fasten
your seat belt.

You're gonna have to put
your cigarette out.

Okay.

( wind whistling )
( screaming )

Mary?
Yes?

Which passenger
is Joe Salucci?

Sixteen-C. Why?

He's carrying a bomb.
A bo--

No, not a "buh," a bomb.

Now, as discreetly
as possible,

Move the passengers
into the lounge.

We don't have a lounge.
That's not important right now.

You've gotta get those people
away from that bomb.

What should I say?
Anything.

Just don't let Salucci
think that we're on to him.

I'll do my best.

( foreboding theme plays )

Attention, ladies
and gentlemen, please.

Would everybody move
to the lounge

who is not carrying a bomb.

( passengers screaming )

Don't move!

Mr. Salucci, they know
about you back home.

Stay where you are!
You don't want to blow that

and kill these
innocent people.

I don't care about them.

Joe, listen to me.
It's hopeless.

No one's ever gotten away
with a stunt like this before.

Joe, the insurance
is worthless now.

I don't believe you.
Joe, you gotta trust me.

( bowling pins tumbling )

No one's gonna hurt you.

No one has to know
about your problem.

No one has to know
you're impotent.

Don't say that word!

( dramatic theme plays )

Scraps!

( all cheering )

Nice going, Striker.
Nice going!

We may not be out
of the woods yet,

but at least you got
rid of that bomb.

Not exactly, McCroskey.

McCROSKEY:
What do you mean?

The bomb's here beside me.

Right there, beside you
in the cockpit?

Striker...

What the hell
are you doing up there?

STRIKER:
I got an idea.
It might just work.

It's a long shot, but
it's the only shot we've got.

I want to use the bomb
to blow the computer.

Striker, you gotta be crazy
to try a stunt like that.

You may be right,

but I'm afraid
it's the only chance we've got.

When that bomb blows, we're
gonna lose our oxygen fast.

I'm gonna have to get this ship
out of here as quick as I can.

I'm taking her to 0.5 "worp."

0.5 warp?

0.5 "worp."

I test-piloted this shuttle.

I know exactly
what it can do.

Striker, listen to me now
and listen good.

That thing is bound
to come apart at that speed,

and that's no good.

It's gotta be in one piece
when you land on the moon.

You know damn well that worp
drive has never been tested!

( groans )

You're putting yourself

and everybody else
on that ship in jeopardy!

( buzzer sounds )

MAN: Over here!
Contestant 38.

I'll take "Air Shuttle
Disasters" for 40.

The answer is...
The Mayflower.

Ted, what are you
gonna do?

Elaine, I'm going
back there with the bomb.

Ted, you're my hero.

Ted...

The bomb.

Ted, be careful.

Now, listen good.

If you got any ideas,
any at all, now is the time.

I want to hear them now!

How about a show like Hollywood
Squares but with kids?

Gary Coleman could host.

( heavy breathing through mask )
( computer beeping )

( suspenseful theme plays )

( breathing and music
both stop )

( breathing and music resume )

( breathing and music stops )

( breathing and music resumes )

( breathing stops )

( bomb beeping and ticking )

( breathing resumes )

( dramatic theme plays )

Ted! Ted!
Simon just ejected.

Sit down, Elaine.

If this bomb trick works,
we might just make it.

Simon was a fool
to eject now.

You mean...
That's right.

Premature ejection.

Striker, listen to me
and listen good.

You're gonna be on lunar
radio range any second.

The next transmission
that you receive

will be from Buck Murdock
at Alpha Beta base.

Not Buck Murdock?

McCORSKEY:
No. Buck Murdock.

Who's Buck Murdock, Ted?

Just a guy I flew with
during the war, Elaine.

He was with us
that day

I led the raid
over Macho Grande.

And he's still alive?

Striker, son...
We're all betting on you.

MAN 1:
I'll take 5-1 they all die.

MAN 2:
8-5 the women
and children make it.

WOMAN 1:
9-5 they all die.

MAN 3:
6-4 they lose the crew.

0.5 worp! God help them.

Nobody's ever traveled
at that speed before.

Last spring, we did
Europe in nine days.

Then we went to Bakersfield
and then we ended up in Fresno.

Fresno? No one goes
to Fresno anymore.

( ticking and beeping )

All communication lines
are clear.

We're ready to transfer to Buck
Murdock at Alpha Beta, over.

( slurring ):
Gentlemen...

I don't find it easy to talk
at a time like this...

but I gotta say something
about that guy up there,

and I can sum it all up
in just one word: courage.

Dedication, daring, pride,

pluck, spirit,
grit, mettle,

and G-U-T-S, guts!

Ted Striker's got more guts
in his little finger

than most of us have
in our large intestine,

including the colon!

( thuds )

When we're ready,

we would like you to remove
your eyeglasses and your shoes

and place your head
between the knees.

Between your
own knees, Father.

( beeping and ticking )

( explosion )

We've blown the computer!

( suspenseful theme plays )

Elaine, you'd better
check the readout.

We're slowing down.

Okay, set course change.

Set.
Compute.

Compute.

( tires screech )

( engine accelerates )

Okay, here goes.

( triumphant theme plays )

( high-pitched beeping )

Elaine, we hit 0.5 worp,
and everything seems okay.

( beeping )

We've got
gravity control back.

( thud )

Sorry.

Elaine, you'd better
brace yourself.

This is faster than man
has ever traveled before.

( inhaling deeply )

( gravelly voice ):
Oh, wow.

In case some of you
are wondering,

we are traveling
one-half the speed of light.

Some of you might experience
a temporary metabolic change,

but there's nothing
to worry about.

Thank you.

( crickets chirping )

( wolf howling )

( frogs croaking )

( door shushes open )

Shh.

( door shushes closed )

Shh.

( door shushes open )

Shh.

( door shushes closed )

Commander Murdock.

What is it, lieutenant?

The Mayflower's
in trouble.

She's coming in hotter
than a firecracker.

Computer's down,
they've lost crew

and they're flying
on manual control.

We'd better get to the tower.
We have no tower, sir.

No tower?
Just a bridge, sir.

Why the hell aren't I
notified about these things?

Lieutenant...

How would you
handle this?

We could try ignoring it, sir.

I see.

Pretend nothing
has happened and hope

everything turns out all right.

Just a thought, sir.
I've considered that.

There's got to be
a better angle.

Shh.
( door shushes open )

( sharply):
Shh.

( door shushes )

If they've lost their crew,

who's in control
of that bucket?

Some guy by the name
of Ted Striker, sir.

Ted Striker.

Do you know him?
Never heard of him.

That's not exactly true.

We were like brothers.

We flew together
during the war.

We were close,
real close, until...

Until, sir?

Until that day
over Macho Grande.

Over Macho Grande, sir?

I'm afraid I'll
never get over Macho Grande.

Forget it.
It wasn't a pretty picture.

Let's go!
Right, sir.

( hisses )
( door shushes open )

Shh.

( door shushes closed )

What have you found?

These red lights
keep moving back and forth.

Aside from that, this seems
to have no function.

That's impossible.
It must have some function.

Why would the government
put money

into a thing with red lights
going back and forth?

Sir, these lights keep
blinking out of sequence.

I see.
What should we do about it?

Get them to blink in sequence.
You!

Rorshack, what do you got?
We've run these tests, sir.

Thank you.
What do you make of these?

That's a bird, a cow,
a horse with a hat on.

Sir, I pulled
Ted Striker's record.

And?

I don't think
you're gonna like it.

My God, that's worse
than I thought.

Sir, they should hit
our atmosphere in three minutes.

How do you want
to play it?

I want a 6-foot trench
dug around the entire base.

Fill it with gasoline.
Sir!

You! Get the women and children
to the lower shelters.

Contact
the Japanese ambassador.

Rorshack!
Yes, sir!

Get me a complete file

on everyone who's seen
The Sound of Music

more than four times.
Yes, sir.

On second thought,
kill those orders.

Down scope.

( Klaxon sounding )

Fate can play a strange
game sometimes, lieutenant.

Fate, sir?

Striker wipes out his entire
squadron over Macho Grande,

and now those people's lives
up there are in his hands.

I guess irony can be
pretty ironic sometimes.

But it's his ship now.

He's the top dog...

the big man...

numero uno honcho...

the head cheese.

I just hope
he has the right stuff.

Up scope.

Sir, we have
radio contact.

Yes, I'll take care
of it right away.

Uh, sir, we've had some
problems with the ship.

If you're going to
the washroom, be careful.

Oh, thank you.

Oh, I have been
on my feet all day.

( sighs )

I sure could use
a little breather.

( breathing heavily )

(over radio):
Striker, this is Buck Murdock.

Do you read me? Over.

I read you, Murdock.

Hope he's not still bitter
about what happened between us.

If it weren't
for those people,

I'd say let Striker go down
in a fiery twisted mass

of molten metal.

Okay, Striker,

let's just pray
you don't screw up here

like you did over Macho Grande.

So just follow orders.
Roger.

We've got you locked on beam.
Get ready to kill your engines.

Roger, Murdock.

All right, Striker,
kill the auxiliary engines.

Ted, the lever!

Murdock, the damn lever
just came off in my hand!

We're still at worp.
Try another lever.

There are no more,
just switches.

No buttons?
No, no buttons.

Just switches,
lights and knobs.

Oh, cut the bleeding-heart crap,
will you?

We've all got our switches,
lights and knobs to deal with.

Down here, there are literally
hundreds and thousands

of blinking, beeping
and flashing lights,

blinking and beeping
and flashing.

They're flashing,
and they're beeping.

I can't stand it anymore!

They're blinking and beeping--
Pull yourself together!

Why doesn't somebody
pull the plug?

I'm all right.
I'm all right.

All right, Striker.

You're gonna have to pull
that lever panel off.

Do you understand?
Just rip it off.

Roger. Elaine, screwdriver.

( suspenseful theme plays )

Okay, the panel's off.

Find a piece of metal
and shove it in there.

A piece of metal?

Hurry!
Any piece of metal will do.

I'd give my arm to get a piece
of metal to that boob right now.

Here we are surrounded by metal,
and it's useless.

Might as well
write them off.

Let's close up
the bridge.

Let's get out of here.

Close it up.
Lights out.

Where am I gonna find
a piece of metal here...

in space...

at this hour?

( romantic theme plays )

Will this work, Ted?

Thanks.

Hold it, Murdock.

I've got something
that might work.

Wait!

STRIKER:
A bobby pin.

A bobby pin?

What the hell's a man doing
with a bobby pin?

Huh.

Lights on.

All right, Striker,
if a bobby pin's all you got,

it'll have to do.

Shove it in there. You're gonna
have to short that thing out.

( explosion )

( suspenseful theme plays )

Ted, it's working!

We're losing speed.

She feels like she's going
to break up any second!

She's starting to shake.

She's starting to shake.

She's starting to shimmy.

She's starting
to shimmy.

She's starting to...

She's starting to, uh...

What? What is
she starting to do?

What is she starting to do?
Shudder, Ted?

She's starting to shudder.

She's starting
to shudder.

How bad is it?
It's not good.

At least she's not
beginning to crack up.

She's beginning to crack up.

( screams )

( screams )

( screams )

(both screaming )

( all screaming )

All right, quiet! Quiet!

Quiet!

We're monitoring you
all the way!

Keep her nose up.
Don't fight her.

I'm trying, but
she's fighting me.

Ted, there's Alpha Beta!

Elaine, we're going to
have to come in pretty low

to land this thing.

Is that difficult, Ted?
Sure, it's difficult.

Coming in low is part
of every textbook approach

It's just something
you have to do when you land.

Huh?

MURDOCK:
Striker, we don't have
a lot of time,

but I want to tell you this.

You pull this off,

and a lot of people
just might forget

that Macho Grande
ever happened.

We're gonna get her down
and down safe.

Striker, before
we go any further,

there's one very important
thing you should know.

Ted, slow down!
The base is straight ahead!

They've just hooked in to
a communications satellite,

and as we speak,
our transmissions

are being broadcast
all over the world.

Billions of people are
hanging on our every word.

The eyes, ears, noses
and throats

of every American
are on you, Ted,

each one of them
hoping and praying

that you can put that ship down
on the ground in one piece.

Ted, we're not stopping!

Now, Striker, start by
positioning your landing gear.

Lower your flaps.

Just keep her level.

There's no looking back.

Put on your horizon sensor
and level her off.

Ted, we're
going back up.

Elaine, you'd better
get ready for this landing.

Keep up your stabilizers.
Don't lose control.

Now fire both those jets
and hang on with both hands!

I said both hands, damn it!

I'll tell you one thing.

You bring down
that hunk of junk,

you're okay in my book.

Don't fight her, Striker.
Hold her steady. Hold her up!

( indistinct chatter )

I hope you
enjoyed your flight.

Uh, fly
Pan Universe again.

( screams )

MURDOCK:
You gotta hit
the center of that strip.

One or two feet off,
you're a dead duck.

( sirens blaring in distance )

Let's go home.

( giggles )

Yes, thank you for flying
Pan Universe.

Have a nice day.
MAN: Oh, it was my pleasure.

MARY:
I hope you
enjoyed your flight.

( groans )
( dull thud )

Shift those turbo chargers.
Now check the sensors.

Deploy your
secondary boosters.

MAN:
Is there a courtesy phone
around here?

Hello. We'd like you
to have this flower.

We're with the Church
of Lunar Consciousness.

Would you like to make
a donation? Hello.

We'd like you
to have this flower.

Would you like
to make a donation?

( triumphant theme plays )

MURDOCK:
You're almost home.

Hold her. Hold her.

Stay with her, Striker.
Stay with her!

It takes a soft touch.

Don't let her get away
from you this time, Striker.

I don't know
if this is a good time to ask,

but would it be possible
for me to get my briefcase back?

( dramatic theme plays )

Striker!
Striker.

Ted Striker?

Do you know what it's like
to laugh like that?

Yes. Yes, I do.

What did he get
for telling the truth?

A one-way ticket
to the funny farm.

( spits )

Des Moines Institute?

Then you know it.

BOTH: We're familiar with it.

I'm gonna get Ted.
Just don't come apart on me now.

Jimmy, do you like it

when Scraps holds on to your leg
and rubs up and down?

You were gassed
by R.O.K.?

I got it!
I got it!

( no audible dialogue )

Your navigator, Mr. Unger, and
your first officer, Mr. Dunn.

Unger.
Oveur.

Oveur.
Dunn.

We better get to the tower.
We have no tower.

No tower?
Just a bridge, sir.

Why the hell aren't I
notified about these things?

Lieutenant, how would you
handle this?

I want to know everything
that's happened up till now.

Well, let's see,
first the Earth cooled.

Then the dinosaurs came,
but they got big and fat

so they all died
and turned into oil.

And then the Arabs came
and bought Mercedes Benzes.

Give the court your
impression of Mr. Striker.

I don't do impressions.
My training is in psychiatry.

Of course.

Do you swear to tell the truth,

the whole truth,
and nothing but the truth?

Ain't no thang.

The second time bomb
on your right.

Certainly.

( Battlestar Galactica
theme plays )

That's exactly what they'll
be expecting us to do.