Original subtitles

( upbeat music playing )

♪ I GOT FRIENDS

♪ MMM, SO SWEET

♪ TO SING TO WHEN I'M PASSING ON THE STREET ♪

♪ I GOT MY GUITAR

♪ TO PLAY WHEN I'M DOWN, YEAH ♪

♪ AND A MICROPHONE LOUD ENOUGH TO ROCK THIS TOWN ♪

♪ BUT IT ALL COMES DOWN TO NOTHING IN THE END ♪

♪ WHEN YOU AIN'T GOT LOVE

♪ 'CAUSE YOU AIN'T GOT LOVE ♪

♪ BUT IT ALL AMOUNTS TO ♪

♪ NOTHING IN THE END

♪ WHEN YOU AIN'T GOT LOVE

♪ 'CAUSE YOU AIN'T GOT LOVE, YEAH. ♪

( car passing )

( distant shouting )

( boys running )

- NO! - ( all panting )

- OH, SHIT! - All: OH, SHIT!

GO GO!

GO!

- SHIT! - GUYS, THIS WAY!

- COME ON! - GO!

OW!

DUDE, IF WE DON'T GO ANYWHERE, WILL THEY FUCKING EXPEL US?

NO, THEY CAN FUCKING ARREST US!

GUYS, COME ON, THIS WAY.

( laughing )

SHIT.

All: SHH! SHH SHH SHH!

WHOO! I SHOULDN'T HAVE HAD ALL THOSE BEERS.

BULLSHIT, MAN. YOU BARELY HAD ONE.

YOU'RE, LIKE, THE ONLY FRAT GUY IN THE COUNTRY

WHO'S DOWN FOR THE COUNT AFTER A BEER AND A HALF.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU PLEDGED.

LOOK, OUR PARTIES ARE AWESOME. YOU'D JOIN TOO.

YEAH, I'D JOIN IF I LIKED STRIPPING DOWN,

LIGHTING CANDLES AND GETTING PADDLED BY GUYS.

YOUR HAT LOOKS NICE, BY THE WAY.

YEAH, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN, BY THE WAY? ARE YOU LIKE A D.X.P. BITCH?

NO, I'M A PLEDGE. IF I LOSE THE HAT, I'M FUCKED.

WHY ARE YOU WEARING IT WHEN YOU'RE HOME?

JUST IN CASE. I DON'T KNOW, WHATEVER. SHUT UP!

"MY HAT!"

( boys laughing )

- LOOK AT THE BABY-- - STOP STOP STOP!

( door closes )

( cell phone ringing )

All: FUCK! TURN OFF YOUR PHONE.

GET DOWN. YOU'RE TOO FUCKING HIGH.

( door opens, closes )

GOD, YOU'RE BEING SUCH A FUCKING--

DUDE, IF THAT WAS FUCKING AMY, I'M GONNA KILL YOU.

ALL RIGHT, LET'S JUST GET THE HELL OUT OF HERE.

- OH MY GOD! - WHAT A RUSH, HUH?

HI, AMY, IT'S PATRICK.

YEAH, SORRY I MISSED YOUR CALL.

NO, WE ARE DEFINITELY STILL ON FOR TONIGHT.

I LOVE--

OH!

DUDE, IS AMY GIVING YOU PROBLEMS?

- LET ME TALK TO HER. - SHUT UP.

DUDE, I'M GOOD WITH WOMEN.

HI, IT'S ME AGAIN.

I WAS ABOUT TO SAY I LOVE YOU, BUT THE PHONE CUT OUT

- SO I JUST WANTED YOU TO KNOW THAT I DO... - ( boys teasing )

...LOVE YOU.

OKAY, BYE.

( all laughing )

YOU KNOW, YOUR GIRLFRIEND ALMOST FUCKED US.

DUDE, YOU DEFINITELY OUGHT TO TURKEY-DROP THAT BITCH.

TURKEY-DROP? WHAT THE HELL DOES THAT MEAN?

YEAH, TURKEY-DROP-- THANKSGIVING,

COLLEGE FRESHMEN COME BACK AND THEY DUMP THEIR OLD HIGH-SCHOOL GIRLFRIENDS.

- MM-HMM. - IT'S TRUE.

- DEFINITELY TRUE. - YEAH.

SHUT UP, NOLAN. WHAT DO YOU KNOW?

DUDE, HE KNOWS MORE THAN YOU, PATRICIA.

YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE SINGLE AND FREE IN COLLEGE.

YOU PARTY, YOU HOOK UP WITH GIRLS. NO RELATIONSHIPS.

NO RELAT-- YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M JUST FINE THE WAY THINGS ARE.

OKAY? AT LEAST I'M NOT GONNA WAKE UP AT SOME FRAT HOUSE

IN THREE AND A HALF YEARS AND WONDER WHAT THE HELL TO DO WITH MY LIFE.

BESIDES, YOU KNOW WHAT, RYAN? YOU'RE IN A RELATIONSHIP RIGHT NOW TOO.

WHAT ABOUT THIS NEW GIRL? AUBREY?

AUDREY.

JESUS CHRIST. AND WE'RE NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP.

WE JUST FUCK WHEN I'M IN TOWN.

OH, THAT'S A GOOD IDEA, BECAUSE JUST SCREWING SOMEONE

WHEN YOU'RE IN TOWN, THAT'S NEVER LED TO PROBLEMS FOR ANYONE-- EVER.

- AUDREY DOESN'T SEEM TO CARE. - OH, MAN, THAT'S IT.

THAT'S IT. OH, THAT'S JESSICA'S PERFUME.

- THIS IS HER LOCKER. - DUDE, YOU SICK FUCK.

- YOU'RE STILL NOT OVER HER? - WHAT?

YOU COULDN'T EVEN TALK TO HER. YOU COULDN'T EVEN BE IN THE SAME FUCKING ROOM AS HER.

- COME ON! - I HEARD SHE'S A NUN OR SOMETHING NOW.

- ARE YOU SERIOUS? - UH-HUH.

- REALLY? - YEAH.

- NO WAY. - NUNS DON'T HAVE SEX.

SO SHE'S PROBABLY GOT A HAIRY SNATCH.

( all laugh )

THAT'S SCARY.

ON THAT NOTE, I SHOULD PROBABLY GO.

MY MOM'S GONNA GET PISSED.

ALL RIGHT, DUDE. WE'LL SEE YOU AROUND.

YEAH, IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU GUYS.

PRETTY EXCITING WAY TO END THANKSGIVING, HUH?

- UH-- -( can rolls )

OKAY, GUYS, WELL, IT'S THE LAST NIGHT OF THANKSGIVING BREAK.

WHAT ARE YOU GUYS DOING LATER?

NOTHING REALLY.

UM, I'M GOING TO AUDREY'S.

OKAY, I THINK I'M GONNA GO TO AMY'S.

WELL, HAVE FUN DOING NOTHING.

ALL RIGHT.

SEE YOU GUYS LATER. HAVE A GOOD NIGHT.

YEAH.

FUCK YOU, MAN.

YOU'RE THE FRAT BOY, FUCKING PADDLING EACH OTHER NAKED AND SHIT.

AND, UH...

I'M GLAD YOU LOST THE BABY BLUE. IT WASN'T REALLY FOR YOU.

-DID MATCH YOUR EYES, THOUGH. - I LEFT MY FUCKING--

( horn honking )

WHAT UP, HOMEY?

MORGAN!

JESUS, YOU SCARED THE CRAP OUT OF ME.

THAT'S THE IDEA.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

WELL, THE LITTLE WOMAN WENT PSYCHO

AND HID THE REMOTE CONTROL, SO I THOUGHT I'D TAKE OLD YELLER

OUR FOR A CRUISE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE? I THOUGHT YOU WERE AT COLLEGE.

THANKSGIVING.

THANKSGIVING. THAT'S RIGHT.

HEY, GET YOUR BONY ASS UP HERE. TELL ME WHAT'S GOING ON.

LET'S CATCH UP.

- THIS YOUR HAT? - OH!

STAY RIGHT THERE. YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TROUBLE YOU'RE IN?

LOOK, I'M VERY SORRY, SIR.

- THIS IS A VERY SERIOUS ISSUE. - I KNOW, I JUST--

IF ANYONE FOUND OUT HOW CLOSE YOU CAME TO LOSING THIS HAT--

WAIT, SO, WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

RELAX, DUDE. OKAY? I'M D.X.P. OVER AT S.C.

NO WAY! S.C.?

ME TOO, MAN. I'M ALEC.

ANTHONY.

- SO YOU'RE IN THE FRAT? - DON'T ACT SO SURPRISED.

NO, I MEAN, I'M NOT. YOU LOOK-- YOU TOTALLY LOOK--

I-- I JUST DIDN'T RECOGNIZE YOU.

WELL, I TOOK THE SEMESTER OFF...

SLOWLY TURNING INTO A YEAR OFF.

WELL, THANKS FOR FINDING MY HAT.

I'M NOT REALLY SURE HOW IT GOT IN HERE.

DO YOU REALLY THINK I DIDN'T SEE YOU GUYS?

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? - DUDE,

SOMEONE MUST'VE REALLY FUCKED UP LETTING YOUR ASS IN.

WELL, I PLEDGED WITH A BUNCH OF FRIENDS AND THEY SAID--

LET ME STOP YOU RIGHT HERE, ALL RIGHT?

I GOT A LOT OF SHIT I'VE GOT TO DO TONIGHT BEFORE I CAN GET OUT OF HERE.

WHY DON'T YOU JUST HEAD ON HOME, ALL RIGHT?

DEFINITELY. YEAH, I WAS JUST GONNA GET OUT OF HERE ANYWAYS, SO--

ON SECOND THOUGHT, YOU DID ALMOST LOSE THAT HAT, RIGHT?

SORRY, CAN'T LET YOU OFF THE HOOK THAT EASY.

- HEY, PAT! - HEY.

WHAT'S UP, MAN? I NEED TO BORROW YOUR CAR. THANKS!

WHOA WHOA WHOA! WHAT ARE YOU DOING? HEY!

ANTHONY, WATCH THE CAR! YOU'RE GONNA SCRATCH IT.

- GIVE ME THE KEYS BACK. - DUDE, YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS.

I GOTTA BE AT A PARTY IN, LIKE, FIVE MINUTES.

- SO WALK. - THAT WOULD TAKE FOREVER.

PLUS IT'S-- IT'S COLD OUTSIDE.

OKAY, FINE, YOU CAN TRY TO DRIVE MY CAR,

BUT YOU'LL NEVER FIGURE OUT THE SECRET CODE.

UH, YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M GONNA CALL BULLSHIT ON THAT ONCE AND FOR ALL.

THERE'S NO PASS CODE FOR THESE BMWs.

YOU'VE BEEN MAKING THIS SHIT UP THE WHOLE TIME, HAVEN'T YOU?

ALL RIGHT, YEAH YEAH. I MADE UP THE CODE.

BUT LISTEN, IF YOU HAVE TO GO TO THIS PARTY, I'LL DRIVE YOU.

YOU ARE NEVER TO DRIVE THIS CAR. OKAY?

I BUSTED MY ASS ALL SUMMER TO PAY FOR IT.

YEAH, WHATEVER. DAD PAID FOR HALF.

GIVE ME THE KEYS.

GIVE ME THE KEYS.

GIVE ME THE KEYS!

( radio playing )

OH, NICE.

( camera phone clicking )

ARE YOU TAKING PICTURES OF ME?

YOU BETTER DELETE THAT.

YEAH, RIGHT, IT'S MY REWARD FOR COMING UP HERE.

- OH, YEAH? - YEAH.

- OH, YEAH? - COME ON.

SHH SHH! MY GRANDMA CAN HEAR.

- SHH. - WE HAVE TO BE QUIET.

DOES YOUR HOUSE SMELL LIKE OLD PEOPLE?

OH, DEAL WITH IT.

SO YOU'RE GONNA DELETE THAT PHOTO, RIGHT?

I'VE MISSED YOU, RYAN.

GRANDMA!

OH! I THINK THERE'S A BURGLAR IN THE HOUSE.

- ARE YOU OKAY? - GRANDMA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I HEARD NOISES OVER--

OH, I THINK HE'S IN THIS ROOM!

SHUT THE DOOR! SHUT THE DOOR NOW!

- WHOA WHOA WHOA WHOA! - YOU STAY RIGHT THERE

- UNLESS YOU WANT A FACE FULL OF KNIFE! - GRANDMA, WAIT.

YOU KNOW THIS BOY?

GRANDMA, THIS IS MY FRIEND RYAN.

WHO?

- HE'S MY BOYF-- - I'M A FRIEND FROM HIGH SCHOOL.

WELL, YOU SURE MADE ME LOOK LIKE A CRAZY PERSON.

LET'S GET YOU BACK TO BED, OKAY?

IS HE A HOMOSEXUAL?

- NO, GRANDMA. - MMM.

Morgan: NO, SEE, I DON'T MIND THE BOOGER-EATERS,

'CAUSE THAT'S KIND OF A VICTIMLESS CRIME,

BUT THIS KID'S A BOOGER-WIPER.

SO I PUT HIM IN THE BACK NEXT TO THE KID THAT SHITS HIS PANTS,

BUT THE OTHER ONES, THEY'RE GREAT.

YOU KNOW, THEY REMIND ME A LOT OF YOU AND YOUR RATPACK YOU USED TO HANG OUT WITH.

- YEAH. - YOU EVER SEE THOSE GUYS ANYMORE?

YEAH, ACTUALLY, WE WERE JUST HANGING OUT.

IT'S WEIRD, YOU KNOW, I HAVEN'T SEEN THEM SINCE I WENT AWAY FOR COLLEGE.

AH. HOW IS COLLEGE?

IT'S ALL RIGHT.

TELL ME-- TELL ME SOME WILD STORY.

JUST GIVE ME ONE.

I DON'T KNOW.

LET ME MAKE IT SIMPLE FOR YOU.

TELL ME ABOUT THE LADIES.

UM...

- YOU KNOW. - I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T.

YOU'RE NOT LEAVING UNTIL YOU TELL ME A WILD STORY ABOUT THE LADIES.

UM...

THERE'S A LOT OF HOT GIRLS...

IN COLLEGE.

- HOT GIRLS? - YEAH.

I LIKE THAT.

THERE'S A LOT OF DISEASES...

NOWADAYS.

AND I JUST DON'T WANT TO GET LOCKED INTO ANYTHING...

RIGHT NOW.

- SHIT. - YEAH.

UH...

YEAH.

HEY! HEY, SHE'S PRETTY.

- HUH? - YEAH.

GO TALK TO HER.

NO, I'M NOT GONNA GO TALK TO HER.

- GO. - NO.

- COME ON. - THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

NO, GO! I'LL MAKE IT EASY FOR YOU.

- WHAT, MORGAN! - HEY, SUNSHINE!

YOU GETTIN' ON OR WHAT?

ME?

YEAH, LET'S GO. GET ON THE BUS.

WE GOTTA MOVE.

THAT'S A SCHOOL BUS.

YES, IT IS.

MY NAME IS MORGAN AND I ALWAYS DRIVE ROUTE TWO.

MY REGULAR BUS BROKE DOWN

SO THEY GAVE ME THIS ONE TONIGHT.

THEY GAVE YOU A SCHOOL BUS?

YES. YES, THE CITY DOES NOT WANT TO SPEND MUCH MONEY

ON MASS TRANSIT, AS YOU CAN TELL,

BECAUSE ONLY THE COOL PEOPLE RIDE THE BUS

AND THERE AIN'T THAT MANY COOL PEOPLE IN THIS TOWN--

BASICALLY ME AND NOLAN HERE

AND THEN, YOU KNOW, MAYBE YOU.

ARE YOU A PERVERT?

( sighs )

WELL, THAT DEPENDS ON HOW YOU DEFINE "PERVERT."

WELL, IS THE WHOLE PICKING-UP-KIDS

SOME SORT OF WEIRD FETISH OR SOMETHING?

I HAVE MADE LOVE TO MY WIFE EVERY WEDNESDAY

FOR THE LAST 25 YEARS JUST 'CAUSE IT'S HUMP DAY.

I DID ACCIDENTALLY WALK IN ON MY SISTER-IN-LAW IN THE SHOWER

AND SNEAK A PEEK.

I DID THE SAME THING TO MY MOTHER-IN-LAW, BUT THAT WAS MORE

OF A SCIENTIFIC EXPERIMENT ABOUT THE FUTURE.

DO PERVERTS DREAMS FOR TWO HOURS A DAY

THEY'RE HUGE ROCK STARS TRAVELING ALL OVER EUROPE,

GETTING MOBBED BY FANS ON TOPLESS BEACHES?

THEN I PROBABLY AM A PERVERT.

- HOW ABOUT THIS-- - OKAY, I GET IT.

OKAY.

YOU'RE CRAZY.

THANK YOU.

OKAY. UH...

BUT IF YOU TRY ANYTHING, YOU WILL QUICKLY DISCOVER

THAT I CAN SCREAM LOUDER THAN ANYONE IN THE WHOLE WORLD.

YOU'VE NEVER MET MY WIFE.

COME ON.

SO WHY'D YOU CHOOSE D.X.P.?

( metal clangs )

WELL, I HEARD FROM PEOPLE THAT CHICKS DIG D.X.P. GUYS.

- AH, SHOULD HAVE ASSUMED. - WELL, IT'S TRUE, RIGHT?

WHAT, WITH ALL THE PARTIES WE THROW?

DUDE, CHICKS FLOCK LIKE SHEEP.

( clanging )

AH, SO WHY ARE YOU TAKING THIS SEMESTER OFF?

HEY, I'M ASKING THE QUESTIONS.

DID YOU EVER HAVE TO GO TO THE HOUSE AT 4:00 A.M. AND MOVE A FRIDGE?

YEAH, A FRIDGE FULL OF BEER DOWNSTAIRS

ONLY TO HAVE TO MOVE IT UPSTAIRS AFTER THEY'D CHANGED THEIR MINDS.

I HATED THAT SO FUCKING MUCH, MAN.

WELL, YOU HAVE ME TO THANK FOR THAT-- MY IDEA.

THAT WAS YOUR IDEA?

THAT'S SO COOL, MAN.

( clanging )

DON'T WORRY. YOU'LL HAVE YOUR OWN PLEDGES TO MESS WITH SOON,

ASSUMING YOU MAKE THE CUT.

-( rustling ) - YEAH, WELL--

DUDE, SHUT UP.

COME WITH ME. I MAY NEED YOUR HELP.

YEAH, I CAN BE LIKE BACKUP, RIGHT?

( music and chattering )

DUDE, THIS PARTY'S GONNA BE SO FUCKING SWEET.

JOHN'S SISTER AND HER SMOKING-HOT FRIEND

GOT US A KEG. THEY'RE FROM OUT OF TOWN.

HEY, ANDREW, YOU FORGOT YOUR BAG.

SHIT!

- WHAT IS THIS? - 'SHROOMS, MOTHERFUCKER!

- DOINK! HEH HEH HEH! - HEY, ANDREW?

ANDREW, GET BACK HERE.

WHAH!

STUPID-- WHY AM I DEALING WITH THIS KID?

I CAN'T-- DAMN IT!

DON'T TOUCH MY CAR.

WHAT A DOUCHEBAG.

( rock music playing )

( all screaming )

DUDE, THE PARTY'S-- HEY, PATRICK!

- WHAT'S GOING ON, BUDDY? - JAY BOB, HEY.

- HAVE YOU SEEN MY BROTHER? - YEAH, ACTUALLY.

I SAW HIM GO UPSTAIRS WITH A BEER.

GO ON, GO, BUDDY.

- Andrew: I THINK YOU JUST EAT IT OR SOMETHING. - Boy: FUCK THAT, DUDE.

-YOU SMELL THAT SHIT? - Boy #2: I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU'D DONE THIS BEFORE, DUDE.

HEY, PUT THAT SHIT AWAY.

GUYS, LOOK WHO IT IS-- IT'S THE NARC.

LISTEN, I DON'T HAVE A PROBLEM WITH YOU DRINKING, OKAY?

BUT I DO HAVE A PROBLEM WITH YOU DOING DRUGS.

AND SINCE WHEN DOES WHAT I DO HAVE TO BE OKAY WITH YOU?

- THIS SHIT IS ILLEGAL. -COME ON!

YOU PROBABLY DO THIS SHIT ALL THE TIME.

- NO, I DON'T. - OH, THAT'S RIGHT.

BECAUSE YOU HAVE A STICK WAY TOO FAR UP YOUR ASS TO DO MUCH OF ANYTHING AT ALL.

YOU KNOW WHAT? SHUT UP!

YOU NEED TO SHOW ME A LITTLE RESPECT.

RESPECT? FOR YOU?

YOU'RE PROBABLY GONNA END UP MARRYING YOUR HIGH-SCHOOL GIRLFRIEND.

HOW PATHETIC IS THAT? YOUR LIFE IS BASICALLY OVER.

DON'T EVEN TALK ABOUT AMY, OKAY?

DUDE, HOW EMBARRASSING DO YOU THINK IT IS THAT YOU'RE STILL WITH HER?

THAT'S WHAT I THOUGHT.

Audrey: GRANDMA, HE'S JUST A FRIEND.

Grandma: YOU KNOW WHAT YOU TWO CAN DO?

YOU CAN BAKE A FEW PIES.

MY RECIPE BOOK SHOULD BE IN THE KITCHEN.

GOOD NIGHT, DEAR.

- ( sighs ) - I'LL KEEP THE KNIFE JUST IN CASE.

RYAN, I'M REALLY SORRY ABOUT ALL THIS.

- RIGHT. - NO, I REALLY AM.

I DIDN'T SAY YOU WEREN'T.

IS THERE ANYTHING I CAN DO TO MAKE IT UP TO YOU?

YOUR PARENTS AREN'T IN TOWN, RIGHT?

MM-HMM.

AND THEY HAVE A BIGGER BED, DON'T THEY?

NO, RYAN.

COME ON.

YOU OWE ME FOR ALL THIS SHIT.

LET'S GO.

THANKS.

BYE.

- THAT'S YOUR LAST-- - SHH. KEEP IT DOWN.

GO OUT THERE AND TALK TO HER.

I'M NOT GONNA DO THAT.

LISTEN, I GOT HER ON THE BUS.

YOU JUST SAT THERE AND STARED AT HER FOR 15 MINUTES.

WHAT AM I GONNA DO? I'M GONNA WALK UP

AND I'M GONNA BE LIKE, "HEY, WHAT'S UP?

I'M NOLAN. HOW YOU DOIN'?" SHE'S GONNA BE LIKE,

"OH MY GOD, WHO ARE YOU? GET AWAY." I'VE ALREADY GONE OVER IT IN MY HEAD.

- IT'S STUPID. I'M NOT GONNA DO IT. - OKAY, LET ME.

OW OW!

OH, COME HERE! GIVE ME--

COME ON!

( honking )

FUCK! GOD!

( laughs )

WHAT? WHAT'S SO FUNNY?

NOTHING. I'M SORRY.

NOTHING ABOUT WHAT JUST HAPPENED WAS FUNNY AT ALL.

HEY!

COME HERE. LET ME HELP YOU.

THERE'S A LAUNDROMAT RIGHT UP THE STREET.

IT'S FINE. I'M FINE. I'M OKAY.

I'M JUST... WET.

COME ON, JUST LET ME HELP YOU. IT'S PRETTY MUCH WHAT I DO BEST.

( laughs )

I HAVE TO SAY, THE WHOLE HELPLESS-PUPPY-DOG THING

YOU HAVE GOING ON RIGHT NOW IS PRETTY MUCH

THE BEST I'VE EVER SEEN.

( laughs )

YOU KNOW, YOU COULD BE ON ONE OF THOSE REALLY LAME HALLMARK CARDS.

YOU KNOW, WHERE THEY SAY "FEEL BETTER" ON THE FRONT

WITH A PICTURE AND THEN INSIDE THEY SAY,

WELL, YOU KNOW, SOMETHING CLEVER OR--

I'M JAIME.

- I'M NOLAN. - EHH.

WHY DON'T WE JUST DO AN AIR HIGH-FIVE?

- ( water squishing ) - EHH.

AWESOME.

UH, OKAY.

( door closes )

DANNY?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- I WAS JUST-- - SHE'S HERE, ISN'T SHE?

BECKY!

DAMN IT, BECKY, I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE!

JESUS CHRIST, ANTHONY!

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING? - OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR.

- YOU CAN'T MAKE ME OPEN THIS CAR. - YOU STOLE MY FUCKING KEY.

YOU ARE SO ANNOYING!

FUCK!

YOU NEED TO CALM DOWN. YOU KNOW, I'M NOT--

YOU ARE TOO YOUNG TO BE HANGING OUT WITH THIS ASSHOLE!

HE'S NOT THE ASSHOLE, YOU'RE THE ASSHOLE!

- YOU LEAVE HIM OUT OF THIS. - YOU'RE FUCKING 15!

- ACT YOUR FUCKING AGE. - WHY ARE YOU HOME ANYWAY?

- WHY CAN'T YOU JUST LEAVE? - THIS IS MY FUCKING HOME.

- LEAVE ME ALONE. - FUCK!

- HEY, WATCH IT! -JESUS CHRIST, ANTHONY!

- JUST LEAVE US ALONE. - I'M FUCKING LEAVING!

GOOD!

( radio playing rock song )

WHAT WAS THAT ALL ABOUT?

YOU KNOW WHAT? I THINK I'M JUST GONNA HEAD ON HOME.

YEAH, THAT'S PROBABLY A GOOD IDEA.

ACTUALLY,

I'VE GOT A LOT OF LAUNDRY THAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.

I'M THINKING YOU'RE GONNA DO IT.

UHH, YEAH, SURE. I GUESS.

HEY, YOU'RE A LITTLE LATE.

SO, UH...

YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN TALKING WITH A FEW ALUMS

ABOUT SOME INTERNSHIPS FOR THE SUMMER.

- COOL. - ESPECIALLY IF I WANT TO GET INTO GRAD SCHOOL,

THESE ARE THE STEPS I HAVE TO TAKE.

( cell phone rings )

OH, PRIVATE CALL. THIS COULD BE MY BOSS.

HELLO, PATRICK FELLER.

NO, I'M SORRY. I THINK YOU HAVE THE WRONG NUMBER.

BYE.

SORRY.

NO, IT'S--

SO, WHAT ABOUT YOU? WHAT ARE YOU THINKING ABOUT FOR THIS SUMMER?

WELL,

GO TO EUROPE, MAYBE, WITH SOME FRIENDS.

GO TO EUROPE.

AND-- AND DO WHAT?

I DON'T KNOW. JUST LIVE A LITTLE.

EXPERIENCE IT ALL-- YOU KNOW, THE COUNTRIES

AND THE PEOPLE.

YEAH, BUT YOU KNOW, I WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO GO WITH YOU.

YOU KNOW THAT, RIGHT? NOT IF I WANT A SHOT AT GRAD SCHOOL.

WELL, I WASN'T ASKING YOU TO GO WITH ME.

YEAH, BUT YOU CAN'T GO BY YOURSELF.

I MEAN, YOU NEED SOMEONE TO GO WITH YOU-- IT COULD BE DANGEROUS.

YOU NEED SOME GUYS OR SOMETHING.

I'M SURE WE'LL GO WITH SOME GUYS.

WHY ARE WE TALKING ABOUT THIS? IT'S FIVE MONTHS AWAY.

- SEVEN. - SEVEN. WHATEVER!

THAT ONLY FURTHERS MY POINT.

( cell phone ringing )

SORRY.

I GOTTA TAKE THIS. SORRY.

HELLO, PATRICK FELLER.

NO, MA'AM, YOU KEEP CALLING ME.

IT'S THE SAME GUY YOU'VE BEEN CALLING ALL NIGHT.

YEAH, JUST DOUBLE-CHECK YOUR DIALING.

ANY, LOOK, I'M SORRY.

IT'S OKAY. I'M JUST STRESSED FROM PACKING.

I UNDERSTAND.

BUT, YOU KNOW, IF YOU ARE STRESSED OUT FROM PACKING,

UM...

I DO HAVE THIS LITTLE TECHNIQUE THAT I FIND

HELPS ME RELAX A LITTLE BIT.

MAYBE LATER.

( sighs )

OKAY, LOOK, I WILL GIVE YOU FOUR MINUTES-- MAX.

( cell phone ringing )

SORRY.

( canned music playing )

SO DO YOU, UM,

LIKE GO TO STANFORD OR A SCHOOL THERE--

OH, NO, U.C.L.A.

YOU GO TO U.C.L.A.?

REALLY?

I GO TO U.C.L.A.

OH.

REALLY?

THAT IS WEIRD.

WOW, THAT IS JUST--

( laughs ) SMALL WORLD, HUH?

SO, WHAT-- HOW WAS YOUR BREAK THEN--

YOUR THANKSGIVING BREAK?

GOOD.

WELL, WE HAD TURKEY.

OH.

- MY-- - HOW WAS YOURS?

OH. IT WAS GOOD. MINE WAS GOOD.

- YEAH? - YEAH.

- COOL. - YEAH.

IT WAS A TYPICAL, CRAZY NIGHT WITH MY FAMILY.

- YEAH? - SO-- YEAH.

UM, I LIKE YOUR UNDERWEAR.

IT WAS JUST A PRESENT.

I HAVE REGULAR UNDERWEAR TOO,

BUT WE BROUGHT IT BACK HERE TO WASH

AND IT WAS ALL GROSS. NOT THAT THESE ARE GROSS, THOUGH,

'CAUSE THESE ARE CLEAN.

WHEN DO YOU FLY BACK?

UM, TOMORROW NIGHT.

- WHAT ABOUT YOU? - TOMORROW MORNING.

YEAH, I JUST WANTED TO GET BACK, YOU KNOW,

BEFORE MY ROOMMATE. HE PLAYS MUSIC AND--

SO THEN WHAT'S YOUR MAJOR?

COMPUTER SCIENCE.

FOR NOW, YOU KNOW. I WAS THINKING ABOUT

GOING INTO LIT OR SOMETHING.

YOU KNOW.

WHAT'S YOURS?

I AM UNDECIDED.

- AH. - YUP.

I DECIDED TO STAY UNDECIDED

AS LONG AS POSSIBLE.

DRYER SHEET.

READY FOR ANOTHER ROUND?

MMM.

BUT I'M SLEEPY.

MMM, BUT I'M NOT GONNA SEE YOU FOR ANOTHER MONTH AT LEAST.

- HEY, GIVE ME THAT BACK. - AH! I WIN.

OKAY, SO GIVE IT BACK THEN.

WHAT, ARE YOU AFRAID THAT THERE'S GONNA BE NAKED PICTURES

OF YOU ON THIS OR SOMETHING?

UH-HUH, OKAY. GIVE ME--

WHO'S "HOT HIGH-SCHOOL CHICK"?

YOU HAVE A LOT OF CALLS FROM THIS HOT HIGH-SCHOOL CHICK.

( sighs ) LOOK, JUST GIVE ME MY FUCKING--

NO, LET'S JUST SEE WHO THIS IS.

( cell phone ringing )

YOU'VE GOT TO BE KIDDING ME.

IT'S A COMPLIMENT...

OR A JOKE.

YEAH, WELL, IT'S NOT FUNNY.

WHAT KIND OF NAME IS THAT FOR YOUR GIRLFRIEND ANYWAY?

LOOK, ALL RIGHT, I'M SORRY. COME HERE.

- NO, I'M NOT FALLING FOR YOUR SHIT AGAIN, RYAN. - LOOK--

- I'M SORRY. - RYAN, JUST DON'T. STOP IT!

FUCK! GOD--

YOU FUCKING STUPID BITCH!

GIVE ME BACK MY FUCKING PHONE!

IT'S LIKE A NEED A FUCKING CHISEL TO GET MY POINT THROUGH.

I'M NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND. I'M NEVER GONNA BE YOUR BOYFRIEND.

ALL WE DO IS FUCK, OKAY? DO YOU GET THAT NOW?

THAT'S ALL WE'LL EVER DO,

FUCKING HOT HIGH-SCHOOL CHICK!

YEAH, FUCKING LEAVE. GO TO YOUR ROOM.

TAKE YOUR FUCKING SHORTS WITH YOU TOO.

FUCKING BITCH.

( engine starting )

OH, FUCK!

FUCK! AUDREY!

GET THE FUCK OUT OF MY CAR, YOU FUCKING BITCH!

FUCK, MAN! DAMN IT!

AUDREY, PICK UP YOUR FUCKING PHONE, YOU SLITHERING TWAT.

FUCK, MAN. GOD DAMN IT!

FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.

YEAH. EXACTLY.

HERE, FIND SOMETHING GOOD.

PLAYLIST IS KINDA OLD,

BUT, YOU KNOW, THERE'S SOME GOOD STUFF IN THERE.

YOU LISTEN TO PETE FRANCIS?

- HELL, YEAH, DUDE. - DISPATCH WAS THE SHIT, THOUGH.

THE SHIT.

SO HERE WE ARE. WE'RE BACK WHERE IT ALL STARTED.

- YEP. - IF WE SEPARATED NOW, IT'D BE LIKE NOTHING EVER HAPPENED.

- MM, AHH. - ( radio playing )

BRAAAH!

YOU KNOW, AT THE HOUSE, THERE'S A RULE.

YOU GOTTA SMOKE A BLUNT OR ROLL A BLUNT

IF YOU'RE GONNA BE LISTENING TO FRANCIS.

- NICE. - DUDE, THAT'S WHAT WE SHOULD DO RIGHT NOW.

YEAH, I'M DOWN.

CHILL. THAT'S WHY I SAID IT.

HOLD ON A SECOND. I THINK THAT'S MY BUDDY NOLAN.

- DO YOU WANT TO PICK HIM UP? - YEAH YEAH, PULL OVER.

PULLIN' OVER.

HEY, NOLAN.

HEY, ALEC.

HEY, MAN, WHAT'S GOING ON? YOU WANNA HANG OUT?

YEAH, SURE, UH...

I'LL SEE YOU LATER.

OKAY.

THANK YOU.

HEY, WHO'S THE GIRL?

UH, SHE'S JUST A GIRL THAT I MET.

- ( brakes squeal ) - HANG ON A SECOND.

WAIT.

- UM, DO YOU WANNA-- - WOW.

YOU BETTER BE BACK TO INVITE ME ALONG BECAUSE THAT WAS REALLY RUDE.

DO YOU WANNA GO? WITH US?

YEAH.

I MEAN, HOW DO I KNOW YOU'RE NOT GONNA, YOU KNOW,

KIDNAP ME AND BRAINWASH ME OR SOMETHING?

YOU KNOW, I COULD END UP NAKED IN THE MIDDLE OF A DESERT SOMEWHERE

AND I'M JUST NOT SURE THAT I WANT TO TAKE THAT CHANCE.

BUT, I'M KINDA COLD. SO...

YOU KNOW, I THINK I'M REALLY STARTING TO ENJOY THIS SEMESTER.

I GOT MY FIRST RESEARCH PAPER IN.

I'M REALLY GETTING INTO THE GROOVE OF IT ALL.

I THINK WE NEED TO TALK.

♪ ...SHOULD I GO

♪ AND SEARCH FOR YOU ♪

♪ RACING THROUGH YOUR WORDS ♪

♪ FOR SOME CLUES

♪ DID YOU GIVE UP ON ME SINCE THE LAST TIME WE SPOKE? ♪

♪ IN THE BACK OF MY MIND, THERE'S STILL THIS HOPE ♪

♪ YOU WOULDN'T WALK OUT ON ME LIKE I DID TO YOU ♪

♪ LONG AGO

♪ I DON'T KNOW...

YOU'RE FREE NOW.

YOO-HOO!

FUCK, MAN.

- WHERE'S AUDREY? - I DON'T KNOW.

SHE TOOK MY FUC-- SHE-- SHE TOOK MY FUN

AND MY CAR.

WELL, WHY NOT CALL HER ON THAT PORTABLE PHONE SHE HAS?

THE CELLULAR ONE?

SHE WON'T ANSWER.

LET'S BAKE A PIE.

MY GOD, YOU AND THESE PIES.

I LIKE PIES.

I LIKE QUIET.

WELL, THEN WHY DON'T YOU GO LOOK FOR HER?

BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE A CAR.

I HAVE A CAR.

UH... OH.

UH, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

YOU CAN BORROW MY CAR, BUT I'M COMING ALONG.

I DON'T WANT YOU TO DAMAGE IT.

CAN YOU DRIVE A STICK?

OF COURSE.

OH!

- ( engine shuts off ) - IT'S-- I'M USED TO EUROPEAN.

Boys: YEAH-AH!

OH, FUCK.

DUDE, THIS IS SO AWESOME.

LOOK AT THIS PLACE.

YEAH, WELL, KINDA.

THE LOCAL D.X.P. CHAPTER HAS A GUY STUDYING ABROAD

THIS SEMESTER, DIDN'T WANT TO LOSE HIS APARTMENT,

- SO I'M HOUSE-SITTING FOR HIM. - THAT'S COOL.

YEAH, HIS PARENTS ARE LOADED SO THEY'RE NOT EVEN CHARGING ME.

UH UH, DUDE, WHAT IS THIS?

DUDE.

OKAY, GENTLE, OKAY? THESE ARE THIRD-DAY UNDERWEAR.

I'LL GET YOU SOME, OKAY? JUST MAYBE 10th DAY FOR YOU. 10th DAY.

THAT REMINDS ME, YOU GOT TO CHECK OUT NOLAN'S BOOBY LEG.

- WHAT? - NO, HE DOESN'T WANT TO--

- WHAT'S A BOOBY LEG? - IT'S NOTHING.

NO, IT'S TOTALLY COOL.

HIS CALF-- IT FEELS EXACTLY LIKE A BOOB.

WHAT? NO. BOOBS.

- REALLY? - NO, IT JUST FEELS LIKE A CALF

THAT YOU KEEP SAYING FEELS LIKE A BOOB.

IF I HAD BOOBS, I'D HOLD THEM.

- GOOD POINT. - YOU DO HAVE BOOBS.

YOU HAVE CALVES, YOU'VE GOT BOOBS.

YEAH, I KNOW. BUT YOUR BOOBY LEG

- IS SO MUCH BETTER THAN EVERYONE ELSE'S. - COULD I SEE IT?

- NO... - SHE ASKED TO DO IT.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

TOUCH THAT SHIT.

JIGGLE IT IF YOU'RE GONNA DO IT. YOU CAN'T JUST SQUEEZE IT.

ALL RIGHT.

THAT'S A BOOBY LEG!

I KNOW!

THAT DOESN'T FEEL ANYTHING LIKE A BOOB.

IT SO DOES.

IF YOU GUYS THINK THAT FEELS LIKE A BOOB,

- YOU'RE IN FOR A BIG SURPRISE. - PROVE IT.

OKAY, ENOUGH BOOB.

( cell phone ringing )

HELLO?

HI, MOM. I DON'T KNOW.

LATER, PROBABLY. OKAY?

BOOBY LEG.

TELL DAD TO STOP YELLING.

OKAY? YES, I HAVE MY INHALER.

OKAY, MOM, I GOTTA-- I'LL CALL YOU LATER.

BYE.

DUDE, YOUR MOM IS SO BITCHY SOMETIMES.

YEAH, I THINK ACTUALLY JAIME AND I ARE GONNA TAKE A WALK.

- YEAH. -OH.

OH, THAT'S COOL, MAN.

- WE'LL SEE YOU AROUND. - OKAY.

- NICE MEETIN' YOU GUYS. - LATER.

- Jaime: NICE MEETING YOU. - SEE YOU, MAN.

- THANKS. - NOLAN!

( both laughing )

WHERE ARE WE GOING?

I DON'T KNOW. GOD.

BE QUIET. MAYBE ANYWHERE AUDREY MIGHT BE.

WHERE DO YOU THINK AUDREY MIGHT BE?

YOU ARE ASKING ME THE SAME QUESTION YOU JUST ASKED ME.

I TOLD YOU, I DON'T KNOW.

OKAY, NO NEED TO GET HISSY ABOUT IT.

WHAT DO YOU KIDS DO FOR FUN THESE DAYS?

- MAKE-OUT POINT? - WHAT?

YOU KNOW, MAKE-OUT POINT.

NO, I DON'T KNOW MAKE-OUT POINT.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT IS. I DON'T EVEN THINK WE HAVE ONE.

EVERY CITY HAS ONE.

YOU JUST DRIVE UP UNTIL YOU FIND A REST AREA WITH A VIEW.

IT'S VERY ROMANTIC.

THAT'S A TIP FOR YOUR FUTURE LOVE LIFE.

UH-OH, I NEED TO GO TO THE LADIES' ROOM.

WHAT?

I NEED TO USE THE BATHROOM.

WHY DIDN'T YOU GO BEFORE WE LEFT?

WE HAVEN'T EVEN BEEN DRIVING THAT LONG.

I DIDN'T HAVE TO GO THEN.

I HAVE TO GO NOW. IT COMES AND GOES.

THAT'S GOOD. I DON'T NEED TO HEAR ABOUT IT, THOUGH.

- I'LL JUST PULL OVER. - ALL RIGHT.

DON'T YOU NEED TO GO?

NOT IN THERE, I DON'T.

THERE ARE BAD PEOPLE OUT IN PLACES LIKE THIS.

THERE'S NOBODY ELSE HERE.

- THAT WE CAN SEE. - GOD! ( honks )

FINE, I'LL WALK YOU UP THERE. WILL THAT MAKE YOU HAPPY?

YES, THANK YOU.

FINE.

I'M NOT CARRYING YOU.

NO, BUT YOU ARE OPENING THE DOOR FOR ME.

OH, GOD, WHAT NOW?

- HUH? - WHAT?

I DON'T HAVE TO GO ANYMORE.

- ARE YOU SERIOUS? - YES, IT'S GONE NOW.

- WELL, WHERE DID IT GO? - WHERE DID WHAT GO?

WHATEVER IT IS WE PULLED OVER FOR!

OH, COME ON, LET'S GET BACK IN THE CAR.

IT'S COLD. NOW, DON'T DILLY-DAWDLE.

WHAT NOW? IS IT BACK?

NO, BUT YOU NEED TO OPEN THE DOOR FOR ME.

OR HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN?

- THANK YOU. - MM-HMM.

- Grandma: YOU KNOW... -WHAT?

- ...YOU'RE NOT FUNNY. - WELL, I'M NOT TRYING TO BE.

YOU'RE SUCCEEDING.

( rock song playing )

ANYWAY, FELLAS, THAT IS WHY YOU NEVER

GIVE YOUR HEART TO A WOMAN.

WHY, YOU ASK.

WELL, I'LL TELL YOU.

BECAUSE WHAT ARE THEY GONNA DO WITH YOUR HEART?

WELL, LET'S SEE.

THEY'RE GONNA TAKE YOUR HEART, OKAY?

THEN THEY'RE GONNA SHIT ALL OVER IT,

WRAP IT UP IN LITTLE TIN FOIL, THROW IT AGAINST THE WALL

AND GIVE IT RIGHT BACK TO YOU

AND SAY THEY JUST WANT TO BE FRIENDS.

OH, YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME?

BOYS, IT'S TRUE.

IT'S TRUER THAN TRUE.

- WOMEN ARE LIKE-- - WHAT'S THE MATTER, SHITHEAD?

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING TO THESE KIDS?

OH, GREAT, IT'S THE STUPID VERSION OF ME.

WAIT, ARE YOU DRINKING?

YEAH, IT'S A PARTY, ISN'T IT?

HOLY SHIT.

DUDE, MY BROTHER THE NARC

IS DRUNK!

IS ANYONE ELSE SEEING THIS? ANYONE?

DUDE, WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO YOU?

AMY BROKE UP WITH ME TONIGHT.

UH, SORRY. I MEAN, THAT WHORE. UGH!

DUDE, COME ON, GET YOUR FUCKING HEAD OUT OF YOUR ASS.

ALL RIGHT? THERE'S SO MANY HOT CHICKS TO HOOK UP WITH HERE.

- I-- I DON'T KNOW... - LIKE-- I MEAN,

LOOK AT THOSE TWO COLLEGE HOTTIES RIGHT OVER THERE.

THEY'RE JUST LIKE, "OOH, I'M BEGGING FOR A GOOD FUCK TONIGHT."

I CAN TELL. I MEAN, I CAN TELL-- LOOK AT 'EM.

- THOSE TWO RIGHT THERE? - YEAH.

YOU MEAN THE TWO THAT HAVE BEEN TURNING DOWN

EVERY SINGLE GUY TONIGHT?

THAT'S JUST BECAUSE I HAVEN'T INTRODUCED MYSELF YET.

OH HO HO! OKAY, MR. BIG SHOT.

- YOUR FIRST TIME IS GONNA BE WITH A COUPLE OF-- - FIRST?

--TWO GORGEOUS 21-YEAR-OLDS, RIGHT?

HO! FIRST TIME?

DUDE, I HAVE FUCKED MAD CHICKS. ALL RIGHT?

WELL, I'M NOT READY FOR ANYTHING LIKE THAT.

OKAY.

BUT JUST PLEASE TELL ME THAT YOU BANGED AMY,

LIKE, ONE LAST TIME.

OKAY, JUST STOP TALKING LIKE THAT.

GO FIND AN IMAGINARY GIRL TO FUCK...

MORON.

FUCK. SORRY.

I'M JUST TRYING TO HELP.

OKAY, YEAH, I DID.

YOU DID WHAT?

I DID... BANG HER.

AH! I KNEW IT, DUDE. OH, FUCKING AWESOME.

RIGHT! FUCK YEAH. DON'T HAVE TOO MUCH FUN TONIGHT, ALL RIGHT?

YOU LOOK GREAT. I'LL SEE YOU LATER, BRO.

RIGHT!

( laughs )

I'M TRYING TO STEP IN YOUR SHADOW, BUT YOU'RE MAKING IT VERY DIFFICULT.

OH! MY LITTLE BROTHER DOES THAT.

- OH, YEAH? - YEAH.

- HE'S FOUR. - HA!

YOU HAVE A FOUR-YEAR-OLD BROTHER? THAT'S SO CUTE.

DOES HE LOOK UP TO YOU A LOT?

MY PARENTS AREN'T REALLY THE BEST ROLE MODELS, SO...

YEAH. MINE NEITHER.

YEAH.

WHICH WAY?

UH... WHERE ARE WE GOING?

( giggles ) HEY, DID YOU EVER HAVE TO DO COTILLION?

I DON'T KNOW WHAT COTILLION IS.

OH HO! COTILLION

IS THIS STUPID AFTER-SCHOOL THING

WHERE A BUNCH OF PARENTS TRY AND TEACH A BUNCH OF MIDDLE-SCHOOL KIDS

HOW TO DANCE.

IS THAT WHERE YOU LEARNED?

( laughs ) THIS IS EXACTLY WHAT I LEARNED.

IT'S REALLY GOOD.

YEAH.

THERE WAS ALWAYS AN ODD NUMBER OF PEOPLE,

SO ONE PERSON ALWAYS ENDED UP

DANCING BY THEMSELVES,

PRETENDING THAT THEY HAD A PARTNER.

AND NO ONE EVER PICKED ME, SO--

I WAS SUCH A DORK IN MIDDLE SCHOOL.

THAT'S WEIRD, 'CAUSE YOU KNOW, NOW YOU'RE--

LAST PICK OR NONE AT ALL.

THAT'S WHAT I LEARNED FROM COTILLION.

YOU KNOW, THE WORST PART WAS THAT MY MOM

KNEW HOW MUCH I HATED IT AND SHE STILL MADE ME GO.

YEP.

WEDNESDAYS WERE THE WORST DAY.

YOU KNOW WHAT? TO THIS DAY,

WEDNESDAYS ARE STILL MY LEAST FAVORITE OF THE DAYS.

♪ HEY, BABY...

YOU KNOW, THERE IS A WEDNESDAY COMING UP.

( laughs )

YOU KNOW, THERE HAS BEEN A WEDNESDAY

PRETTY MUCH EVERY WEEK OF MY LIFE SINCE MIDDLE SCHOOL.

IT JUST SO HAPPENS THAT

MY FIRST ACT AS SUPREME RULER OF THE UNIVERSE

WILL BE TO ELIMINATE WEDNESDAYS.

- WHEN YOU'RE SUPREME RULER OF THE UNIVERSE? - MM-HMM.

YEAH. WHAT ELSE YOU GONNA DO?

WELL, IF YOU MUST KNOW,

ALL STAIRCASES WILL BE MADE TO PERFECTLY COMPLIMENT MY STRIDE--

THE PERFECT LENGTH AND DEPTH.

UH, ALL DOORS WILL BE "PUSH," NOT "PULL."

- OH. - EVERY KEYBOARD

WILL HAVE A NOLAN LARSON KEY ON IT.

OH, YES, RIGHT, BECAUSE YOU'RE GONNA BE SO IMPORTANT

THAT WE WILL ALL NEED TO BE INPUTTING YOUR NAME.

YEAH. THE WORLD WILL BE A BETTER PLACE WHEN I'M IN CHARGE.

SO, GOT ANY HOT T.A.s THIS SEMESTER?

NO NO, MY T.A.s ARE ALL WEIRD AND FOREIGN.

DUDE, YOU GOT TO TAKE HISTORY 12B.

I GOT A C IN THE CLASS BUT IT WAS WORTH IT FOR CLARA, THE T.A.

- SHE REALLY HOT? - UNBELIEVABLE.

AND I THINK SHE T.A.s FRESHMAN FOR THE ATTENTION.

GUY WOULD SIT IN ALL THE TIME,

JUST FOR HER TOO. AND I DON'T BLAME 'EM.

- I THINK IT'S THE ONLY CLASS I EVER SHOWED UP EVERY DAY. - ( door opens )

DID YOU GET WITH HER?

BECKY!

HEY, ANTHONY, I, UM, DIDN'T WANT TO GO HOME,

BUT I WAS GONNA STAY HERE TONIGHT.

BUT YOU CAN PLAY YOUR VIDEO GAME AND I'LL JUST GO UP TO YOUR ROOM, OKAY?

WHAT'S GOING ON? WHAT ARE YOU, DRUNK?

- ( retching ) - HEY, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

( vomiting )

- ( toilet flushing ) - Becky: OOH!

HOW MUCH DID YOU DRINK?

DANNY GAVE ME A DRINK

BUT I SWEAR I ONLY HAD TWO SIPS OF IT.

FUCKING DANNY!

SERIOUSLY, WHO IS THIS GUY?

- DANNY YEATS. - YEATS?

THAT'S WHY HE LOOKED SO FAMILIAR.

YEAH, GRADUATED MY YEAR. ALWAYS DID BURN-OUTS IN HIS EL CAMINO.

FUCKING DOUCHEBAG.

LET'S BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF HIM.

YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU MAY BE RIGHT.

HE DESERVES A GOOD ASS-KICKING.

- MAN, LET'S DO IT. - FUCK YEAH.

HE'S NOT BIG, RIGHT?

NO, MAN, YOU COULD PROBABLY TAKE HIM.

- BOTH OF US, FOR SURE. - LET'S KICK HIS ASS.

- YEAH! -PLEASE DON'T HURT HIM!

I DON'T WANT HIM TO TALK SHIT ABOUT ME TO ALL HIS FRIENDS.

OKAY, RELAX. WE CAN AT LEAST THREATEN HIM, RIGHT?

YEAH YEAH, BECAUSE, YOU KNOW,

SOMETIMES THREATS ARE EVEN MORE EFFECTIVE.

NO, MAN, BUT HE FUCKING DESERVES IT!

YEAH, DUDE, YOU'RE RIGHT. LET'S DO IT.

- LET'S KICK HIS ASS, MAN. - KNOW WHAT I'M SAYING?

- JUST A DRUNK! - FUCK THAT.

BEAT HIS BITCH ASS, MAN.

- PIECE OF SHIT. - YEAH.

I'M GONNA GO CHECK ON BECKY.

YOU KNOW WHERE HE LIVES, MAN?

UH, YEAH, I'LL MAKE A CALL.

( cell phone ringing )

OH, NICE.

HEY, RYAN?

DUDE, ALEC, YOU WILL NOT BELIEVE WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO ME TONIGHT.

YEAH, THAT'S COOL, MAN.

LISTEN, CAN YOU DO ME A FAVOR? YOU KNOW WHERE DANNY YEATS LIVES?

DANNY YEATS? WHAT DO YOU NEED HIS ADDRESS FOR?

LOOK, MAN, IT'S A LONG STORY,

BUT YOU KNOW ANYONE WHO KNOWS HIS ADDRESS?

UM, I MIGHT. LET ME CALL YOU BACK.

COOL, MAN, THANKS.

BUSINESS.

( cell phone ringing )

PATRICK FELLER.

HEY, YOU KNOW ANYONE WHO KNOWS DANNY YEATS'S ADDRESS?

DANNY YEATS?

UM, I DON'T KNOW, MAYBE. LET ME CHECK.

I'LL GET RIGHT BACK TO YOU.

ALL RIGHT.

( cell phone ringing )

HANG ON. HELLO?

Hey, Nolan, it's Patrick.

I NEED YOU TO GET THE ADDRESS OF A GUY NAMED DANNY YEATS.

PATRICK, I DON'T HAVE TIME FOR THIS RIGHT NOW.

JUST DO IT.

( cell phone rings )

HELLO?

ALEC, HEY, PATRICK NEEDS THE ADDRESS OF A GUY NAMED DANNY YEATS.

YOU GUYS ARE FUCKING MORONS.

I'M THE ONE THAT NEEDS DANNY YEATS'S ADDRESS.

YOU KNOW WHAT? JUST CALL SOME OTHER PEOPLE, WOULD YOU?

- OKAY. - AND NOT RYAN!

JESUS.

MY FRIENDS ARE A BUNCH OF FUCKING IDIOTS.

JUST RELAX. YOU CAN DO THIS, MAN.

NOT A BIG DEAL.

TAKE THAT, FUCKER.

YOU FUCKING WITH MY BOY? I'M GONNA BEAT YOUR ASS.

WHAT AM I DOING?

( ringing )

HELLO?

HEY, NOLAN.

GOT SOME GOOD NEWS FOR ME?

ALL RIGHT. MAN, THANK YOU SO MUCH. I APPRECIATE IT.

COOL. BYE.

FIND OUT WHERE HE LIVES?

31 PALM STREET, APARTMENT C.

- THAT FUCKER'S GOT IT COMING, MAN. - THAT'S RIGHT.

I HAVE NO IDEA WHERE SHE IS.

WE SHOULD HAVE TRIED MAKE-OUT POINT.

WE DON'T HAVE ONE.

AND IF WE DID, I DOUBT SHE WOULD BE THERE.

SOMETIMES WHEN I WAS LONELY,

I WOULD GO TO MAKE-OUT POINT.

WOULDN'T GOING TO MAKE-OUT POINT WHEN YOU WERE LONELY

MAKE YOU FEEL MORE LONELY?

YOU MEAN LONELIER, COLLEGE BOY?

OH, I DON'T KNOW.

SOMETIMES GIRLS JUST LIKE TO BE ALONE.

IT'S A MYSTERY.

WHY ARE WE STOPPING?

OH, NOTHING, JUST THIS, UH,

- '57-- - '57 THUNDERBIRD.

I GREW UP WITH THAT CAR.

I WOULD KILL FOR THAT CAR.

IT WAS ALL RIGHT.

THE SEATS WERE TOO SQUISHY.

THERE'S A LOT MORE TO APPRECIATE ABOUT THAT CAR THAN JUST THE SEATS.

WELL, I ONLY HAD THE 292 Y-BLOCK.

THE SUPERCHARGED 312 IS WHAT YOU REALLY NEEDED

- TO GET GOING. - HUH?

I REMEMBER HOW ALL THE BOYS

USED TO TRY TO CHASE ME DOWN WHEN I WENT CRUISING.

OH, LIKE YESTERDAY.

( '50s R&B playing )

YEAH. ONLY MAYBE, UH,

ONE IN 1,000 PEOPLE HAS PERFECT PITCH.

- REALLY? WOW. - SO, YEAH. I HAVE IT.

SO...

OH, I'LL GIVE YOU A DEMONSTRATION, OKAY?

- OKAY. - OKAY.

SO MAKE A NOISE.

WHAT KIND OF-- LIKE A BEEP? OR A--

WELL, YOU KNOW, LIKE A NOISE. LIKE ANY NOTE.

- LIKE, ♪ AHHH... - ♪ YAAA.

C FLAT.

THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS C FLAT.

( music and chattering )

REALLY?

HEY, LOOK, A PARTY.

WOW, KIND OF LOOKS LIKE FUN.

MAYBE WE SHOULD CRASH IT?

I DON'T KNOW. WE WEREN'T INVITED, YOU KNOW.

NOLAN, THAT'S THE POINT. WHEN YOU CRASH SOMETHING,

YOU GO TO SOMETHING TO WHICH YOU WEREN'T INVITED.

NOLAN! HEY!

- HELLO! - HEY.

WHAT ARE YOU-- ARE YOU DRUNK?

NO! ARE YOU DRUNK, NOLAN?

( laughs )

IS THAT MY FRIEND? IS THAT MR. BOOBY?

- HI, MR. BOOBY LEG! - WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

OH, MR. BOOBY LEG, I'VE MISSED YOU.

GET OFF, SERIOUSLY.

SORRY.

- WHO'S THIS? - UH...

- I'M JAIME. - JAIME, THIS IS PATRICK. PATRICK, JAIME.

HI.

HI.

OH!

I SEE-- I SEE WHAT'S GOING ON HERE.

I GET IT.

- NOTHING'S GOING ON-- - PRETTY SNEAKY, NOLY.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT HE'S TALKING ABOUT.

- YOU DON'T KNOW? YOU'RE TAKING HER TO-- - TO THE WHAT?

- NO, SERIOUSLY! - TAKE HER.

HAVE FUN. YOU'RE YOUNG.

YOU'RE KIDS. YOU GUYS ARE GREAT.

GO HAVE FUN AND JUST HOLD EACH OTHER.

I'M GONNA GO INSIDE AND-- AND BE SAD

- AND GET DRUNK. - OKAY.

( laughing )

HEY, I JUST GOT DUMPED. FEEL BAD FOR ME, COME ON!

A LITTLE SYMPATHY, FOLKS.

HEY, LET'S GET DRUNK!

NOLAN, WHAT WAS HE TALKING ABOUT?

THERE'S THIS ABANDONED HOUSE UP THE STREET--

- AN ABANDONED HOUSE? REALLY? - AND KIDS USE IT FOR, LIKE, A MAKE-OUT POINT.

- COOL. I WANT TO GO. - IT'S STUPID.

WE DON'T HAVE TO, LIKE, MAKE OUT OR ANYTHING.

NO, BUT IT'S, LIKE, ABANDONED. WHY?

BECAUSE IT'S WHAT JAIME WANTS.

OKAY?

I'M GOING.

HERE I GO...

TO THE ABANDONED HOUSE.

I'M GOING.

SO DO WE NEED SOME SORT OF, LIKE, STRATEGY HERE,

OR IS IT GONNA BE, LIKE, A FREE-FOR-ALL?

WELL, I MEAN, IT'S ALREADY TWO-ON-ONE,

SO I DON'T REALLY THINK WE NEED A STRATEGY. DO YOU THINK?

NO.

WELL, I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW.

WE'LL BE FINE, BRO. ALL RIGHT?

WE'LL JUST SHOW UP, DO OUR THING.

HE'S PROBABLY GONNA RUN LIKE A LITTLE BITCH ANYWAY.

IT'LL TAKE, LIKE, TWO MINUTES.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, ALL RIGHT?

HEY, IT'S GONNA BE REALLY COOL HAVING YOU AT THE HOUSE,

YOU KNOW, WHEN I'M BACK.

REALLY?

- YEAH. - SHOULD BE GOOD.

YEAH.

SO LIKE I WAS TELLING GREGGY OVER THERE...

SHE SAYS THAT WE'RE HOLDING EACH OTHER BACK.

YOU KNOW, SHE THINKS WE NEED TO EXPERIENCE LIFE.

( inhaling )

SOUNDS LIKE A TOTAL BITCH.

OH, YEAH.

AND YOU CAN'T LET A WOMAN LIKE THAT CONTROL YOUR LIFE.

SERIOUSLY.

THE ONLY GIRL THAT CONTROLS MY LIFE--

MY LOVELY ERIN.

SHH SHH.

ERIN IS ALWAYS THERE FOR ME WHEN I NEED HER.

I JUST WRAP MY LIPS AROUND HER,

STROKE HER GENTLY

AND SUCK UNTIL MY WORRIES GO AWAY.

AWWW!

WELL, I'M GLAD THAT YOU AND ERIN

HAVE FOUND EACH OTHER.

ERIN NEVER BREAKS MY HEART.

SHE HEALS IT.

THE POWER OF THE GANJA!

DON'T WORRY, MAN.

YOU'LL MEET THE RIGHT GIRL HERE.

LOOK AROUND. THERE'S BEAUTIFUL WOMEN EVERYWHERE.

SEE, THERE'S BEAUTIFUL WOMEN,

BUT NONE OF 'EM HAVE WHAT--

WAIT A MINUTE.

WAIT A MINUTE.

I-- I THINK THAT'S AMY.

HE-- HELLO!

AMY?

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?

HOLD-- HOLD ON. UH, D.J., SIR?

- COULD YOU CUT THE MUSIC? - NO, DON'T.

COULD YOU CUT THE MUSIC, PLEASE?

( music stops )

EVERYBODY, THIS IS AMY--

THE SOULLESS MAN-EATER

THAT I'VE BEEN TELLING YOU GUYS ABOUT ALL NIGHT.

PLEASE DON'T DO THIS, PATRICK.

AMY, I GOTTA TELL YOU SOMETHING:

I THINK YOU KILLED THE PARTY.

YOU PEED ALL OVER IT.

THE SECOND YOU WALKED IN, WE ALL STOPPED HAVING FUN.

AM I RIGHT?

YOU KILLED THE PARTY,

JUST LIKE YOU KILLED THE CHANCE OF HAVING A FUTURE WITH ME.

ARE YOU DRUNK?

AM I DRUNK?

YES.

BUT I'LL TELL YOU SOMETHING, AMY:

I THINK YOU SHOULD JUST PICK UP AND LEAVE,

BECAUSE IF YOU DON'T LEAVE, WELL, WE MAY JUST PICK UP

AND TAKE THIS MOTHERFUCKER SOMEWHERE ELSE.

AND THEN YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS, AMY?

YOU'RE GONNA BE HERE, ALONE,

ALL BY YOURSELF.

( music starts up )

I'M GONNA JUMP.

( all cheer )

NO, DON'T CHEER. I'M REALLY GONNA DO IT.

- Girl: NO, YOU WON'T! - Boys: DO IT, DO IT!

AMY, I'M SO SORRY. CAN YOU PLEASE FORGIVE ME

AND JUST GIVE ME ANOTHER CHANCE? I THINK WE CAN WORK THIS OUT.

PATRICK, PLEASE DON'T DO ANYTHING STUPID, OKAY?

JUST COME DOWN FROM THERE AND WE CAN HAVE A TALK.

- REALLY? OKAY. - All: AWW! COME ON!

YOU LET THAT BITCH CONTROL YOUR LIFE?

Boy: OH, SHIT!

( all cheering )

LET'S HELP HIM UP.

- CAN YOU WALK? - THAT WAS SO GREAT.

( Grandma laughing )

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

NOTHING. NOTHING.

OH MY GOD. YOU WET YOUR PANTS, DIDN'T YOU?

NO. NO.

I WAS JUST IMAGINING YOU BEHIND THE WHEEL OF A T-BIRD.

IT'S A VERY FEMININE CAR, YOU KNOW.

OKAY, ALL RIGHT.

I KNEW A BOY LIKE YOU ONCE.

HE WAS VERY PERSISTENT AND A FINE ARTIST--

THAT DOESN'T DESCRIBE ME AT ALL.

OH, DON'T BE SILLY. YOU LOOK JUST LIKE HIM.

- WHO WAS HE? - MY HUSBAND.

GIL WAS MY HUSBAND FOR A LONG TIME.

UNTIL WHEN?

RIGHT ABOUT TILL HE DIED.

ALL RIGHT, WHICH WAY DO YOU WANT TO GO? LEFT OR RIGHT?

WHY DON'T WE JUST GO LEFT?

- REALLY? - I LIKE LEFT TURNS

MORE THAN I LIKE RIGHT ONES.

- YOU SURE? - MM-HMM.

OKAY.

ONE LEFT TURN COMING UP.

OH! OH, MY GOODNESS.

- ( laughing ) -IS THAT GOOD?

( '50s rock playing )

I'M GETTING A LITTLE DIZZY.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL PULL OVER.

OH.

I THINK WE NEED TO GET BACK.

( laughs ) YOU KNOW, AUDREY MAY BE HOME BY NOW.

IS THAT NOLAN?

WHO?

WELL, WHO IS HE?

OH, I KNOW, HE'S SNEAKY.

♪ THE HOUSE GOES WANTIN'

♪ MY WOMAN'S STILL WAITING ♪

♪ BUT I'M NOT LEAVING...

AHH!

♪ I WILL FIND YOU

♪ I KNOW OUR LOVE IS TRUE ♪

♪ I WILL FIND YOU.

NO WAY.

( gasps ) COOL.

- YEAH. - NOLAN, WHY DIDN'T I EVER KNOW ABOUT THIS BEFORE?

I GUESS WE JUST TRIED TO KEEP IT LOW-PROFILE.

( hits piano keys )

WHO ABANDONS A HOUSE WITH A BALLROOM?

MAYBE SOME OLD LADY OR SOMETHING?

MAYBE IT WAS THIS FAMILY THAT LIVED HERE

FOR GENERATIONS AND THEY SLOWLY KILLED EACH OTHER OFF

AND BURIED EACH OTHER OUT IN THE COURTYARD?

HUH? WOULDN'T THAT BE CREEPY?

HA... I GUESS.

OR MAYBE IT WAS THE HOUSE OF, LIKE, A LITTLE OLD LADY

- WHO LIVED HERE ALL ALONE... - UH-HUH.

AND SHE LIVED ALONE BECAUSE SHE COULD NEVER FIND A MAN

TO GET MARRIED TO. AND...

SO ONE DAY SHE DIED OF LONELINESS.

OOH.

SHE TRIED TO BUY A PUPPY, YOU KNOW,

TO RID HERSELF OF THE LONELINESS.

OH, NATURALLY.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO THE PUPPY?

- THE PUPPY DIED, DIDN'T IT? - YEAH, THE PUPPY DIED.

AND WHEN THE PUPPY DIED, THE OLD LADY KNEW

THAT SHE COULD NEVER BE HAPPY BECAUSE SHE DIDN'T HAVE A LOVING FAMILY.

MMM.

AND SHE COULD NEVER HAVE A LOVING FAMILY

BECAUSE SHE WASN'T PERFECT, SO SHE JUST DIED.

- DIED OF LONELINESS? - YEAH.

OF LONELINESS.

AND NO ONE KNEW AND NO ONE CARED

SO HER BODY IS STILL IN THE HOUSE SOMEWHERE.

( whistles )

AND MAYBE EVERY WEEK, HER GHOST WANDERS THROUGH THE HOUSE,

SEARCHING TO SEE IF THERE'S A HAPPY FAMILY,

BUT IF IT EVER FOUND ONE, SHE'D MURDER THEM ALL

OUT OF JEALOUS ENVY.

WHOO.

BETTER HOPE SHE DOESN'T FIND HER WAY TO YOUR HOUSE, NOLAN.

OH, GOD. I DON'T THINK MY FAMILY

WOULD MAKE THE HAPPY FAMILY LIST.

YEAH, RIGHT. WHY?

MY DAD TOUCHES ME INAPPROPRIATELY.

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

NOLAN! DON'T--

MY DAD'S NOT REALLY THE BEST GUY, THOUGH.

YEAH.

HE'S KIND OF BEEN IN AND OUT MY WHOLE LIFE.

EVERY TIME HE COMES BACK IN, HE SOMEHOW CONVINCES MY MOM

THAT THIS TIME IT'S GONNA BE ALL RIGHT.

AND SHE'S SO PATHETIC, SHE ALWAYS BELIEVES HIM

AND TAKES HIM BACK.

AND THE NEXT THING YOU KNOW, SHE'S PEROXIDING HER HAIR

AND WEARING PEARLS AROUND THE HOUSE WHEN SHE'S VACUUMING.

WHO DOES THAT?

( floor creaks )

WHAT WAS THAT?

I DON'T KNOW. IT WAS PROBABLY A GHOST.

DON'T SAY THAT, NOLAN.

I DON'T KNOW. IT'S PROBABLY JUST A STRAY CAT OR SOMETHING.

I THINK WE SHOULD GO.

I PROMISE YOU, IT'S LIKE A CAT.

- HERE, KITTY KITTY KITTY-- - ( creaking )

IS THAT YOU, GIL?

- OH FUCK, OH FUCK, OH FUCK! - OH GOD!

( both screaming )

( laughing )

THAT WAS AWESOME.

OH MY GOD. I CAN'T--

OH MY GOD. HOW IS THIS SHIT NOT BEING--

FUCKING TELL ME ABOUT IT.

- WHO THE FUCK WAS THAT? - I DON'T KNOW.

- OH MY GOD. - OH MY GOD, YOU WERE SO SCARED.

I'M-- YOU WERE SCARED.

I WAS SCARED FOR YOU. I WAS--

YOU WERE SCARED.

WELL, APARTMENT C. HERE WE ARE.

SO YOU THINK HE'S HERE?

WELL, THERE'S ONLY TWO WAYS TO FIND OUT.

YEAH.

BUT THEY BOTH INVOLVE POUNDING ON THIS DOOR.

YO, WHAT IF WE WAKE THE NEIGHBORS UP?

YEAH, I MEAN, THEY DIDN'T DO ANYTHING WRONG.

RIGHT. WE CAN-- YOU KNOW, WE CAN KNOCK SOFTLY

AND IF HE DOESN'T COME OUT, KNOCK LOUDER AND LOUDER

AND LOUDER...

OR WE COULD JUST CHECK AND SEE IF HIS CAR'S HERE.

- YEAH? - YEAH.

- YEAH. - YEAH.

YEAH.

DOESN'T LOOK LIKE HE'S HERE.

OH, FUCK, I REALLY WANTED TO BEAT HIS ASS.

- YEAH, MAN. - SHIT.

- I KNOW, BRO, WE WOULD HAVE FUCKED HIM UP. - HEY, ANYTIME,

YOU CALL ME UP, I'VE GOT YOUR BACK.

- WE'LL DO IT AGAIN. - GOT MY BACK, DOG!

- FUCK YEAH. HELL YEAH, BRO. - HEY, MORONS,

YOU'RE BLOCKING THE DRIVEWAY. ANTHONY?

WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE, MAN?

WHAT, THE GAY BAR WOULDN'T LET YOU IN OR SOMETHING?

OH, YEAH, MAN, REAL MATURE.

YEAH, THAT WAS JUST STUPID.

YEAH?

-( rock music blares ) - STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM MY SISTER, MAN.

YEAH, STAY THE FUCK AWAY FROM HIS SISTER, MAN.

GET OTHER PEOPLE'S SISTERS.

YEAH, GIVE UP YOUR CRAPPY CAR TOO

'CAUSE IT SUCKS!

♪ SURRENDER, THIS COULD BE THE BATTLE OF YOUR LIFE ♪

( rock music plays )

AHHH. AHHH.

- ARE YOU KIDDING ME? - GO AWAY.

YOU'RE IMPOSSIBLE.

LEAVE ME ALONE! I'M SICK.

DUDE, YOU HAD THE ATTENTION OF EVERY GIRL AT THIS PARTY.

AND I COME BACK AND A FEW MINUTES LATER, YOU'RE LIKE THIS?

I SHOULD WRITE A BOOK.

YOU REALLY SHOULD.

- COME ON, GET UP. - NO.

- COME ON. - ( whimpering )

( groaning ) OW.

I REALLY DON'T UNDERSTAND HOW YOU DO THIS, PAT.

I MEAN, YOU MIGHT BE THE MOST PATHETIC PERSON IN THE WHOLE WORLD.

OR MAYBE YOU JUST HAVE SOME SERIOUS PANTS-SHITTING ISSUE

THAT I DON'T EVEN WANT TO HEAR ABOUT.

YOU JUST DON'T GET IT, ANDREW.

I'M JUST NOT ONE OF THE GUYS--

NO, DUDE, THESE ARE SUPPOSED TO BE THE BEST YEARS OF YOUR LIFE,

BUT FOR SOME DUMBSHIT REASON,

YOU JUST KEEP SKIPPING AHEAD

AND YOU'RE REALLY GONNA REGRET IT.

DUDE? UH...

BELIEVE IT OR NOT, RUMOR HAS IT

THAT THE TWO REALLY HOT CHICKS BEHIND US WANT YOUR PENIS.

( sighs )

NO DUDE, I'M BEING TOTALLY SHIT-SERIOUS RIGHT NOW.

OH MY GOD, YOU'RE RIGHT.

WHAT? WELL, GET OVER THERE, DUDE.

I DON'T KNOW.

NO, DUDE, COME ON. YOU'RE GONNA BE FINE.

JUST GET OVER THERE.

OKAY, I'LL DO IT. HOW'S MY HAIR?

IT'S NOT ALL GONE.

NO, I'M JUST KIDDING. YOU'RE A GOOD MAN.

ALL RIGHT? NOW GET OVER THERE. YOU'RE GONNA DO GREAT.

- YOU DO THIS. - YEAH.

YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT. I MEAN, I CAN DO THIS.

- YEAH, YOU CAN DO THIS. - I CAN DO THIS.

- YOU CAN DO THIS, MAN. - I CAN DO THIS!

YOU CAN DO-- OH, SHIT.

HEY, TAKE THIS. IT'LL HELP WITH THE SILENCES.

SILENCES? PLEASE, I'M A PERFECT CONVERSATIONALIST.

YOU'RE TOTALLY RIGHT.

ACTUALLY I THINK I WILL TAKE IT.

HEY.

DID YOU WALK ALL THE WAY OVER FROM THAT COUCH

JUST TO TALK TO US?

GUILTY.

UM... I'M-- I'M PATRICK.

UH, WE KNOW.

THAT WAS A PRETTY ROUGH FALL THAT YOU HAD EARLIER.

ARE YOU OKAY?

YES. YES. UM, I DID HURT MYSELF A LITTLE BIT.

Both: OH!

YOU'RE SO CUTE.

OH MY GOD. IF ONLY THERE WERE TWO OF YOU GUYS.

WELL...

OH, THE CHAIR IS SURPRISINGLY COMFORTABLE.

( sighs )

I HAD ONE JUST LIKE IT ONCE,

WITHOUT ALL THE COBWEBS AND DUST, OF COURSE.

TELL ME SOMETHING ABOUT YOURSELF--

SOMETHING YOU'VE NEVER TOLD ANYONE BEFORE.

COME ON.

I'M OLD. I'LL PROBABLY BE DEAD SOON ANYWAY.

OH, DON'T JOKE ABOUT THAT.

WELL, I'M NOT JOKING. IT'S HEALTHY.

TELL ME SOMETHING.

I, UM...

COME ON, BE HONEST.

DON'T YOU TRUST ME?

TRUST YOU? THE PIE LADY?

PIE LADY?

JUST BECAUSE I TAUGHT BAKING CLASSES FOR 30 YEARS?

THERE WAS SOMETHING...

THAT I'VE KEPT QUIET FOR FAR TOO LONG.

THERE WAS ANOTHER WOMAN IN MY HUSBAND GIL'S LIFE.

GOD, THERE WAS ALWAYS ANOTHER WOMAN.

I ALWAYS LOOKED THE OTHER WAY.

PRETENDED LIKE--

LIKE NOTHING WAS HAPPENING,

EVERYTHING WAS PERFECT.

SOMETIMES I WISH THAT I'D HAD THE STRENGTH TO ACT,

THE COURAGE TO LET HIM KNOW

THAT I KNEW WHAT A JACKASS HE WAS.

I-- I JUST COULDN'T.

IT'S THE ONLY THING IN MY LIFE

THAT'S EVER MADE ME FEEL WEAK.

YEAH.

DO YOU REMEMBER YOUR FIRST LOVE?

I WAS IN HIGH SCHOOL.

I WAS SO IN LOVE, I TOLD THIS GIRL EVERY DAY

THAT I LOVED HER.

SHE WOULD SAY, "NO, YOU DON'T.

IT'S JUST LUST." SHE'D LAUGH AT ME.

MMM.

SO ONE DAY,

WE WERE AT MY HOUSE AND I TOLD HER I LOVED HER

AND SHE SAID SHE LOVED ME BACK.

BUT...

EVENTUALLY WE BROKE UP.

HOW DO YOU GIVE SOMEONE SOMETHING SO DEEP

AND YOU TAKE IT AWAY LIKE THAT?

( wheezing )

HEY. HEY, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

- OH, THAT'S SO SWEET-- - I'M THE STRONGER GENDER,

SO I FEEL I HAVE AN OBLIGATION TO LOOK OUT FOR YOU.

YOU'RE SUCH A LIAR.

I HATE HOUSES LIKE THAT.

WHY?

BECAUSE IT'S JUST...

TOO PERFECT.

I MEAN, HOW-- HOW DO YOU GET SOMETHING THAT PERFECT?

OF COURSE, THERE'S A BEAUTIFUL WOMAN WHO LIVES IN IT.

SHE PROBABLY HAS EQUALLY BEAUTIFUL CHILDREN

SOUNDLY ASLEEP UPSTAIRS.

I JUST DON'T KNOW IF IT'S THAT BLACK AND WHITE, YOU KNOW?

IT'S JUST-- I MEAN, HOW DID SHE GET THAT?

HOW DID SHE GET THAT PERFECT HOUSE

AND THE PERFECT KIDS AND THE PERFECT HUSBAND?

I MEAN, THAT'S JUST SPECULATION. YOU DON'T KNOW.

SHE COULD MAYBE NOT EVEN BE MARRIED, NOT HAVE KIDS, YOU KNOW?

OKAY, SO SHE'S MARRIED, BUT WHAT ABOUT THE KIDS?

KIDS' TOYS ON THE LAWN.

FINE, BUT THAT'S NOT THE WHOLE STORY.

MAYBE SHE-- MAYBE SHE RESENTS THE KIDS.

MAYBE SHE HATES THEM FOR SAPPING HER OF HER YOUTH OR SOMETHING.

SHE DOESN'T HATE HER KIDS. SHE GOES UPSTAIRS

TO SLEEP WITH HER LOVING HUSBAND

AND THEY GO TO SLEEP IN THEIR IMMACULATE MARTHA STEWART BEDROOM

AND SHE WAKES UP IN THE MORNING AND SHE MAKES HER WHOLE FAMILY

THIS, LIKE, GREAT ORGANIC BREAKFAST

AND SHE KNOWS HER WHOLE LIFE IS JUST PERFECT.

LET'S T.P. IT.

- NO. -YEAH.

- YEAH YEAH YEAH. - NO NO NO.

- WE'LL GET IN TROUBLE. - WE'LL T.P. IT.

WE'RE NOT GONNA GET IN TROUBLE.

WE'RE LEAVING TOMORROW. WHAT ARE THEY GONNA DO?

I DON'T KNOW. PEOPLE GET ARRESTED FOR THOSE THINGS, YOU KNOW?

- OH, NO, WE'LL T.P.-- - WHY WHY WHY?

WE'RE SO GONNA TOILET-PAPER THE HOUSE.

- COME ON. - NO, I'M NOT DOING IT.

NOLAN.

COME ON.

IF WE GET CAUGHT, I'M NEVER HANGING OUT WITH YOU AT SCHOOL.

YEAH!

♪ THESE ARMS OF MINE

♪ THEY ARE LONELY...

- HEY, WHOA WHOA WHOA! - Woman: SHE WAS JUST DROPPED OFF.

WE'RE TAKING HER TO THE THIRD FLOOR RIGHT NOW.

WAIT, HOLD ON.

- ARE YOU THE GUY SHE'S WITH? - YEAH.

- WHAT EXACTLY HAPPENED? - WE WERE TALKING

AND SHE PASSED OUT. I DON'T KNOW.

- ♪ THESE ARMS OF MINE... - JUST ALL OF A SUDDEN?

- THERE WAS NO WARNING. - ♪ THEY ARE YEARNING....

- HOW OLD IS SHE? - UH, 70s, 80s.

- ♪ YEARNING FROM WANTING YOU... ♪ - WHAT'S HER NAME?

I DON'T KNOW.

♪ AND IF YOU

♪ WOULD LET THEM HOLD YOU... ♪

YOU WANNA PUT SOME FRANCIS BACK ON?

( music starting )

( music continues )

BECAUSE I'M AS SURE-FOOTED AS A MOUNTAIN GOAT.

( laughs )

OKAY, WAIT HERE. I'M GONNA GO GET IT.

( bus approaching )

DUDE! THOUGHT THAT WAS YOU.

MORGAN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING OUT HERE?

HOLD ON, DUDE, THIS IS THE BEST PART.

-( rock song playing ) - ( humming along )

SWEET, HUH?

YEAH, AWESOME.

UH, WHY ARE YOU STILL IN YOUR BUS?

WELL...

YOU KNOW, THE THOUGHT OF A MAN AND WOMAN

LIVING UNDER THE SAME ROOF 365 DAYS OF THE YEAR--

IT'S NOT NATURAL.

SO EVERY COUPLE MONTHS, I START AN OLD FIGHT WITH ANN MARIE,

SOMETHING STUPID, AND SHE KICKS ME OUT.

IT'S A WIN-WIN 'CAUSE SHE FEELS EMPOWERED

AND GETS TO SPEND SOME QUALITY TIME WITH HER SHIH TZUS

AND I GET TO COME HERE WHICH IS WHERE I WANTED TO BE IN THE FIRST PLACE.

HUH.

I KNOW THAT DR. PHIL SAYS

YOU SHOULD ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT AND BE HONEST,

BUT IF I SAID TO HER, "HONEY,

I AM SO FUCKING SICK OF YOU

THAT THE THOUGHT OF ANOTHER NIGHT SLEEPING NEXT TO YOU

AND HEARING YOU BREATHE IS GONNA DRIVE ME OUT OF MY FUCKING MIND,"

SEE, THAT MIGHT HURT HER FEELINGS. YOU KNOW?

AND I CAN'T DO THAT.

SO I'M HERE FOR A COUPLE DAYS AND I START MISSING HER

AND SHE STARTS FEELING SORRY FOR ME

SO I GO BACK AND WE HAVE HOT, SWEATY MAKE-UP SEX

AND REMEMBER WHY WE FELL IN LOVE IN THE FIRST PLACE

AND IT'S PERFECT.

NOW YOU, YOU HAVE TO KISS THAT GIRL.

( sighs ) NO, SHE'S-- I DON'T KNOW.

LISTEN, I CAN SEE IT. AND I'M HALF BLIND AND I CAN SEE IT.

NOW IT'S BEEN ABOUT 30 YEARS SINCE MY LAST FIRST KISS

BUT I'M SURE IT'S STILL THE SAME.

THE THING ABOUT A FIRST KISS IS,

YOU ONLY HAVE ONE.

AND BELIEVE ME, SHE'S GONNA REMEMBER IT NO MATTER WHAT.

SO YOU GOTTA PICK THE PERFECT MOMENT.

AND THAT MOMENT COMES RIGHT AFTER YOU'VE DONE SOMETHING...

INCREDIBLE.

AND YOU'LL KNOW THE MOMENT

BECAUSE YOU'LL SEE IT IN HER EYES.

BECAUSE SHE WILL LOOK AT YOU LIKE SHE'S DISCOVERING YOU FOR THE FIRST TIME,

LIKE SHE'S NEVER SEEN YOU BEFORE.

AND THAT'S WHEN YOU MOVE IN FOR THE KISS.

AND THAT KISS WILL TELL YOU EVERYTHING YOU NEED TO KNOW

ABOUT THE WAY SHE FEELS ABOUT YOU.

BECAUSE IF YOU'RE KISSING HER, AND I MEAN REALLY KISSING HER,

AND SHE STARTS TO SMILE...

THEN YOU'RE IN, BUDDY.

YOU'RE IN.

( rock song starts )

MY WORK IS DONE HERE.

IT'S UP TO YOU, FELLA.

GOOD LUCK.

GO.

( giggling )

NOLAN! NOLAN, CATCH!

AH!

WHY ARE WE RUNNING?

I DON'T KNOW. IT SEEMED APPROPRIATE.

WE HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING ILLEGAL YET.

LET'S JUST GO WITH IT.

YOU SURE YOU'RE OUT?

YEAH, I'VE GOT AN EARLY FLIGHT.

SO, DUDE, DON'T WORRY ABOUT TONIGHT.

YOU KNOW, IT'S WHAT ANY OF THE GUYS IN THE HOUSE WOULD HAVE DONE.

SO THANKS.

NO PROBLEM.

YOU GONNA BE AROUND FOR WINTER BREAK?

YEAH, UH, SHOULD BE. YEAH.

YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU CAN JUST PULL OVER HERE.

- JUST DROP ME OFF. - ARE YOU SURE?

YEAH. SHORTCUT. I USED TO CUT ACROSS HERE.

ALL RIGHT. WHATEVER YOU WANT.

HEY, I'LL TELL THE GUYS TO TAKE IT EASY ON YOU.

FIGURE TONIGHT'S WORTH A FEW PLEDGE POINTS.

HEY, DON'T FORGET YOUR HAT.

SHE'S CONSCIOUS AND SHE'S DOING FINE.

- SHE'LL BE OKAY THOUGH, RIGHT? - YEAH, SHE'LL BE FINE.

SEEMS LIKE IT WAS MORE OF A SCARE FOR YOU THAN ANYTHING ELSE.

THANKS.

OH, BY THE WAY, WE FOUND THIS IN HER PURSE, OKAY?

YOU LOOK TIRED.

YOU SHOULD GO HOME AND GET SOME SLEEP.

WE'LL GIVE YOU A CALL.

WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON? WHERE'S MY GRANDMA?

SHE'S FINE, I THINK. SHE'S AT THE HOSPITAL.

WHAT? WHAT HAPPENED?

NO, RYAN.

ALL RIGHT, WELL, I'LL TAKE YOU. LET'S GO.

SHE'S A WONDERFUL PERSON, YOU KNOW.

WHAT?

YOUR GRANDMOTHER.

I'VE BEEN DOING A LOT OF THINKING AND I REALLY--

WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

I'M TRYING TO TELL YOU THAT I'VE BEEN DOING A LOT OF THINKING.

YOU KNOW, RYAN, I'M REALLY NOT IN THE MOOD.

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. I'M TRYING--

JUST SHUT UP AND DRIVE.

I'VE HEARD ENOUGH OF YOUR BULLSHIT.

YOU DON'T KNOW IT YET,

BUT YOU'RE BECOMING A REAL FIRST-CLASS BITCH.

FUCK OFF.

♪ AHHH!

♪ THE DAY BEGINS

♪ PECULIARLY

♪ THE MORNING SUN

♪ SHINES DOWN ON ME

♪ WE STANDING WHERE

♪ WE DON'T EXPECT

♪ THE SILENCE BREAKS

♪ I MUST REFLECT

♪ DOWN IN MY OWN MIND

♪ I'M RACING, CHASING TIME ♪

♪ TO SEE IF I MIGHT FIND OUT ♪

♪ HOW I CAN GET YOU CLOSER ♪

♪ HOW I CAN GET YOU CLOSER... ♪

( grunts )

AIM FOR THE TOP OF THE BRANCHES LIKE... AAH!

( sobbing )

♪ I AM YOUR TAMBOURINE

♪ GRAB HOLD AND SHAKE

♪ I'M A BOW THAT NEVER BREAKS... ♪

( both giggling )

( song continues softly )

SO WAS THAT YOUR FIRST PRANK?

♪ TIGHTER TIGHTER TIGHTER TIGHTER ♪

♪ I'LL NEVER LEAVE

♪ YOUR SIDE

♪ NO, I'LL NEVER LEAVE YOUR SIDE... ♪

( laughs )

♪ LET'S ALL PACK UP AND MOVE THIS YEAR ♪

♪ WE'LL SLIP THE LINES AND DISAPPEAR ♪

♪ LEAVE MEMORIES FOR AUCTIONEERS ♪

♪ AND THOSE JUST STANDING STILL ♪

♪ THEY'LL MISS THE TASTE OF WANTING YOU ♪

♪ CALL OUT YOUR NAME LIKE I STILL DO ♪

♪ BUT THEY HAVEN'T SAID A WORD THAT'S TRUE ♪

♪ AND THEY ONLY HOLD YOU DOWN ♪

♪ IN THIS HEARTBREAK WORLD

♪ OF JUST IMAGINE

♪ OF ITS TIRED TALK

♪ AND BETTER DAYS

♪ IN THIS HEARTBREAK WORLD

♪ WHERE NOTHING MATTERS

♪ COME ON, LET'S MAKE THIS DREAM THAT'S BARELY ♪

♪ HALF AWAKE COME TRUE ♪

♪ LET'S MOVE OUT OF LOS ANGELES ♪

♪ AND JUST DRIVE UNTIL THIS SUMMER GIVES ♪

♪ AND FORGET THE LIVES WE USED TO LIVE ♪

♪ 'CAUSE WE'RE GONE

♪ IN THIS HEARTBREAK WORLD OF JUST IMAGINE ♪

♪ WITH ITS TIRED TALK

♪ OF BETTER DAYS

♪ IN THIS HEARTBREAK WORLD WHERE NOTHING MATTERS ♪

♪ COME ON, LET'S MAKE THIS DREAM THAT'S BARELY HALF AWAKE ♪

♪ COME TRUE

♪ OH OOH OOH

♪ OOH OOH OOH OOH

♪ IN THIS HEARTBREAK WORLD

♪ OF JUST IMAGINE

♪ WITH ITS TIRED TALK

♪ OF BETTER DAYS

♪ IN THIS HEARTBREAK WORLD WHERE NOTHING MATTERS ♪

♪ COME ON, LET'S MAKE THIS DREAM THAT'S BARELY HALF AWAKE ♪

♪ COME ON, LET'S MAKE THIS DREAM THAT'S BARELY HALF AWAKE ♪

♪ COME TRUE.

HEY.

DID WE FALL ASLEEP HERE?

WHERE'D THIS BLANKET COME FROM?

WE GOTTA GO HOME.

WHY NOT STAY A WHILE?

NOTHING'S EVER PERFECT.

♪ YOU DON'T NEED TO CHANGE

♪ A THING ABOUT YOU, BABE

♪ I'M TELLING YOU FROM WHERE I SIT ♪

♪ YOU'RE ONE OF A KIND

♪ WELL, I'VE BEEN LOST AND I NEED DIRECTION ♪

♪ I COULD USE A LITTLE LOVE PROTECTION ♪

♪ WHAT DO YOU SAY, HONEY? COME TO MY DEFENSE ♪

♪ I'LL STAND UP FOR YOU IF IT'S WHAT YOU NEED ♪

♪ AND I CAN TAKE A PUNCH, I DON'T MIND TO BLEED ♪

♪ AS LONG AS AFTERWARDS YOU FEEL BAD FOR ME ♪

♪ AND YOU GIVE ME ALL OF YOUR ATTENTION ♪

♪ I GOT DEEP DESIRE AND IT NEEDS QUENCHING ♪

♪ AND I THINK THAT'S PRETTY PLAIN FOR YOU TO SEE ♪

♪ WELL, ENOUGH ABOUT ME AND MORE ABOUT YOU ♪

♪ 'CAUSE THAT'D BE THE GENTLEMANLY THING TO DO ♪

♪ I HOPE YOU LIKE YOUR MAN SWEET AND POLITE ♪

♪ I THOUGHT I WAS DONE WITH TELLING YOU ♪

♪ BUT I AIN'T NEARLY HALFWAY THROUGH ♪

♪ I GOT A FEW MORE THINGS I'D LIKE TO SAY TO YOU TONIGHT ♪

♪ GET READY

♪ YOU DON'T NEED TO CHANGE

♪ A THING ABOUT YOU, BABE

♪ I'M TELLING YOU FROM WHERE I SIT ♪

♪ YOU'RE ONE OF A KIND.

( new song starting )

♪ LAA LAA LAA

♪ LA LAA LAA

♪ LAA LAA LAA

♪ LA LA LA LA LAA LAA

♪ LAA LAA LAA

♪ LA LAA LAA

♪ LAA LAA LAA

♪ LA LA LA LA LAA LAA

♪ STANDING ON THE EDGE

♪ OF A BEGINNING AND AN END ♪

♪ WHOA, SO THIS IS WHAT IT FEELS LIKE ♪

♪ THE 87th FLOOR

♪ OF A HIGH-RISE IN NEW YORK ♪

♪ AHH, THERE'S SOMETHING NEW THIS TIME ♪

♪ AND I'VE KNOWN IT SINCE I WAS YOUNG ♪

♪ AND I FEEL IT IN MY BONES ♪

♪ THIS IS HOW IT'S ALWAYS MEANT TO GO ♪

♪ RIGHT HERE ABOVE THE STREET ♪

♪ WATCHING THE CITY SPIN BENEATH ♪

♪ I COULDN'T HELP BUT FEEL ♪

♪ LIKE AN OUTSIDER

♪ LIFTING UP OFF THE GROUND ♪

♪ SEEING FOR THE FIRST TIME NOW ♪

♪ THIS IS WHERE I BECAME ♪

♪ AN OUTSIDER.

( new song starting )

♪ THE WORLD ONLY LOOKS

♪ EVIL IN HER EYES

♪ AND THE SKY TASTES METALLIC ♪

♪ WHEN IT CRIES

♪ THE STARS WILL STILL DANGLE ♪

♪ ON THE LONGEST

♪ TRY

♪ AND THE EYES CRISS-CROSS ♪

♪ IN EACH AND EVERY WAY ♪

♪ THE HEART SO SOFT ♪

♪ IT HAS SEEN BETTER DAYS ♪

♪ WATCH THE WORLD ON THE T.V. ♪

♪ FIND OUT WHAT IT'S WORTH ♪

♪ JUST TO KNOW THAT YOU NEED ME ♪

♪ JUST TO KNOW, JUST TO KNOW ♪

♪ TO KNOW THAT YOU NEED ME. ♪

( new song starting )

♪ WHOA, HONEY, I'M STUCK ON YOU ♪

♪ YOUR LIPS SO SWEET I CAN TASTE THEM STILL ♪

♪ WAITING FOR BLOSSOM, BABY ♪

♪ YEAH, THE HARDEST PART IS ♪

♪ EVERY DAY I'M GOING

♪ FLOWER TO FLOWER

♪ TRYING TO WIN YOUR HEART ♪

♪ YEAH, I KNOW IT SEEMS LIKE ♪

♪ I'M LOSING MY MIND OVER YOU ♪

♪ DON'T YOU SEE THAT THIS IS CRAZY? ♪

♪ I DEFINITELY WANT TO BE LOSING MY SENSES ♪

♪ YOU'RE THE QUEEN BEE, BABY ♪

♪ YOUR MAJESTY

♪ DON'T YOU KNOW, DON'T WANNA GO ♪

♪ DOWN IN FLAMES WITH ANYONE OTHER THAN YOU ♪

♪ SO LIE DOWN NEXT TO ME MY... ♪

♪ QUEEN BEE

♪ YEAH DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO ♪

♪ DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO ♪

♪ YEAH DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO ♪

♪ DO DO DO DO DO DO DO DO ♪

♪ DON'T YOU SEE, IF THIS IS CRAZY ♪

♪ I DEFINITELY WANT TO BE LOSING MY SENSES ♪

♪ YOU'RE THE QUEEN BEE, BABY ♪

♪ YOUR MAJESTY, YEAH

♪ DON'T YOU KNOW, DON'T WANT TO GO ♪

♪ DOWN IN FLAMES WITH ANYONE OTHER THAN YOU ♪

♪ SO LIE DOWN NEXT TO ME MY... ♪

♪ MY QUEEN BEE.