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["Soul Man" by The Blues Brothers plays]

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[audience cheering and applauding]

[announcer] Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome

Tom Papa!

[cheering and applause increases in intensity]

♪ Good lovin' ♪

♪ I got a truckload ♪

♪ And when you get it ♪

♪ You got something ♪

♪ So don't worry ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm coming ♪

♪ I'm a soul man ♪

Wow.

Look at you.

Look at you.

-[audience cheers] -[Tom chuckles]

DC, thank you so much for coming out.

[cheering and applause]

So nice.

Love this town. It's hilarious here.

[audience laughing]

[Tom laughs]

Keeps getting funnier every year.

[Tom and audience laugh]

I'm, uh, happy to be here.

I've been going through some changes at my house.

We, uh, dropped off my last daughter, my last child, my youngest,

off at college.

And they're all gone now,

and nobody tells you how hard it's gonna be

pretending to be sad.

[audience laughing]

[applause]

[cheering and applause]

Not one tear. Not one tear.

[audience laughs]

[laughs] I really thought I was gonna cry. I feel so bad.

[audience laughs]

But I think I might be happier than I've ever been.

[audience laughing]

[Tom laughs]

And it's all right, you know. We did all the things.

We did all the things.

Look, I love her to death. I love both of them. I love 'em to death.

But, you know, we had a good run. It's over.

[audience laughing]

They want me to be happy.

You don't want to think your dad's home, in your empty room, crying his eyes out.

You want to think he's all right, moving on with his life, microdosing,

and watching Rick and Morty by himself.

[audience laughing]

That's what I'm doing.

-[laughs] Yeah. -[audience cheering]

Yeah.

Because I have freedom now. I never had freedom before.

When I was little, I don't know if you're like me, but when I was a child,

they made me live with my parents.

[audience laughing]

And I couldn't drink stuff or smoke stuff 'cause they were always around.

And then when I got away from them, I made my own family.

Nobody tells you, when you have kids, your children become your new parents.

[audience laughs]

And you can't drink stuff or smoke stuff

because they're always around.

And they can't keep a secret.

[audience laughing]

But now, for the first time, they're all gone,

and I'm doing all the stuff.

[audience laughs]

I can have martinis in the middle of the afternoon.

[audience cheers]

Yes.

[cheering and applause]

Because I know no one's gonna call me out of the blue

and ask for a ride home from karate.

[audience laughs]

[laughs] There were a lot of years

I did very questionable driving at 4:00 in the afternoon.

[deep breath]

"I got her. I'll get them."

[audience laughing]

[sighs]

I don't even wear clothes there anymore.

[audience laughs]

What's the point? My wife leaves for work in the morning, pants off.

The dogs are so happy. They're like, "You're one of us now."

-"Ah!" -[audience laughing]

[laughs] Rolling around in the backyard, my dog's just looking at me.

"Rub your ass on this tree. It's amazing."

[audience laughing]

[chuckles] And she's right. It is.

[audience laughing]

It's a special tree.

[Tom and audience laugh]

But I'll be honest with you, folks. I'll be honest. It almost killed us.

It almost killed us.

Raising kids is no joke. It's no joke.

If you don't have children, people approach you all the time very flippantly.

"When are you gonna do it? You should have kids."

"When are you gonna have kids?"

No. You should think long and hard about whether you're gonna have kids.

You should have seen me before this experiment.

[audience laughs]

I was skinny. I had long curly hair.

[audience laughing]

And I could see. I could see.

[audience laughing]

I used to have eyes like an eagle. Now I have eyes like a crab.

[audience laughing]

My wife and I are just husks. We're just brittle husks of what we were.

We'll be in the kitchen some days.

She'll be like, "We could fool around right here. No one would ever know."

I'm like, "Yeah, we could."

[audience laughing]

"Or we could just lie down on this cold floor for a while

and shut our eyes."

"It's really nice down here."

"We're not dying. We're just resting."

[audience laughing]

I really can't see anymore. Not all the time.

Just when I'm driving at night with other cars around.

-[audience laughing] -[Tom laughs]

There's a lot coming at me. It's like a fireworks display out there.

I'm like, "I guess I'll just aim for the dark part in the middle."

[audience laughing]

Mistaking a lot of garbage cans for people at night.

-"Oh!" -[audience laughing]

[laughs] "Why is everybody out tonight?"

[audience laughing]

"They're not. It's just recycle day. You're all right."

You've just got to get smart with it. You have to adapt.

I'm using the curbs now.

[audience laughing]

[laughs] That's why they're there.

I just ricochet my way back to the house.

-[audience laughing] -[Tom chuckles]

But it is a real treat. It is.

Like, I can go back to being who I was before all of this. You know?

When you have kids, you have to pretend you're Superman.

You have children looking for protection. And you don't have new skills.

They just kicked you out of the hospital. "Good luck." No instructions.

You know? And… and I wasn't Superman.

And now that they're older, I can admit, I'm just a guy.

And they know now that they're lucky to be alive.

[audience laughing]

A lot of times, when I was a young father, I wanted to cry. But you can't, you know?

I didn't want my kids coming home from school,

seeing me at the kitchen table, just sobbing.

[sobs]

"Dad, what's wrong?"

"Everything! Everything!"

[audience laughing]

"I can't figure any of this out."

[audience laughing]

"I don't have any money. Do you have money?"

[audience laughing]

"I saw a birthday card on the counter. Don't lie to me."

[audience laughing]

[Tom chuckles]

You can't be honest with them when they're little.

"Dad, are there really monsters?"

"I don't know. Probably."

[audience laughing]

"I feel it sometimes. Don't you feel it?"

[audience laughing]

"Sometimes I think I hear it."

"Do you ever hear them in the attic? What is that?"

[audience laughing]

[laughing] You can't say that.

When they come to breakfast,

"Thank God you're alive! I didn't think you were gonna make it."

[audience laughing]

"I thought I heard chewing last night. I thought it was you."

[audience laughing]

Now I can be honest. You know? I don't like the dark. I tell them.

No, I don't like the dark.

I don't think anyone likes the dark. You don't like the dark. No, it's scary.

In our utility room, we have this door that's on a spring.

As soon as you get in off the garage, where we store all the stuff.

And the door closes automatically as soon as you get in there.

But the switch is on the opposite wall in these shelves.

And it's too long. It's too far.

You can't…

I can't keep it open with my foot, so you got to nail it.

And you go for it. Sometimes there's an Easter basket, or… ah!

[audience laughing]

And it closes, and it's dark.

Oh!

Whatever has been chasing me my whole life is like, "Gotcha!"

[audience laughing]

I couldn't admit that when they were little.

I'd tuck in these two little girls, these two beautiful angels.

"Good night, girls. I'll see you in the morning."

"Good night, Dad."

"Can you keep the light on? It's scary in the dark."

"No, no, no."

[audience laughing]

"Come on. There's nothing to be afraid of."

"I'll see you in the morning."

[audience laughing]

Then I run to my room and turn everything on.

[audience laughing]

[breathing heavily]

'Cause it's scary in the dark, and I knew it was scary,

because I could hear their whimpering down the hallway.

[audience laughing]

For hours.

[cheering and applause]

We did one of those DNA tests before they left.

[audience laughing]

I highly recommend it. I really do. I really do.

I know it's a little sketchy, 'cause you gotta give your DNA away to a corporation.

And they're not gonna do anything great with it, for sure.

No, they're definitely gonna clone us in the future.

But who cares? We'll be dead. I think it's kind of exciting.

Right? A bunch of us fighting robots in the future.

That's exciting, right?

Six of you running through a wheat field, with no private parts.

[groaning] "Ah!"

[audience laughing]

Long hair like you never had.

[moans] "Ah!"

Learning karate and eating squirrel meat.

It's exciting!

[laughter]

But in the short-term,

not only do you find out your family heritage, I expected that,

but you also find out all your family secrets.

I wasn't expecting that. That's very exciting.

All the secrets come out when DNA shows up.

There's no hiding it.

DNA is like the drunk uncle who comes to Christmas for the first time.

He's like, "Wait a minute. You think that's your real dad?"

[audience laughing]

"Have I got a story for you!"

[audience laughs]

We knew, in my family, we were gonna be mostly Italian,

and a little German that we don't talk about.

[audience laughing]

When it came back, we were mostly Italian, a little German, and a little French.

A little French thrown in.

I called my mother. I said, "What's with the French?"

She said, "Oh, secret's out!"

"Your grandmother was a whore."

[audience roaring with laughter]

[audience member] Whoo!

"I'm sorry. What did you call Nana?"

[audience laughing]

"Yep, she was a whore, all right. Slept her way through Europe."

"That's why you have weird eyebrows and your uncle's gay."

[audience laughing]

I don't think that's how it works.

[audience laughs]

No more secrets. No more secrets.

DNA and social media. You know, I tour all over the country.

People do their research, and they show up once in a while.

"I think we're related."

And I'll call my mother. "Who's Holly?"

"What do you know?"

[audience laughing]

"I know there's a middle-aged woman in Tampa

who wants to come to Thanksgiving."

"And she looks a lot like Dad!"

[audience laughing]

"Oh, shit. She found us."

[audience laughing]

Families had secrets, for generations. Long, deep secrets. Families kept secrets.

Anything that embarrassed them in front of the neighbors,

anything they didn't understand, that made them uncomfortable,

they would just lie about it or stick it in the attic.

Just stick it in the attic. Unwanted baby? Put it in the attic.

[audience laughing]

Undiagnosed ADHD? Get her in the attic.

"Is that your boy with a stutter?" "What boy?" Put him in the attic.

[audience laughing]

All over America, kids looking out of attic windows.

"Where's everybody g-g-g-g-going?"

[audience laughing]

"I want a b-b-backpack too!"

[audience laughing]

[Tom chuckles]

It's so sad.

And as a child, if you had an inkling about a family secret,

and you asked the elders about it, they'd lie right to your face.

"Who's that man living in the garage?"

"What man?"

[audience laughing]

"There's a man out there. He's been there for quite some time."

"There's no man out there."

"Yes, there is." "Shut up!"

[audience laughing]

What a great time to be a parent, by the way. Could you imagine?

There was a time you could tell your kids to shut up, right to their face.

[audience laughing]

[cheering and applause]

No long conversations.

No explanations.

Just "shut up!"

[audience laughs]

How much easier would that have been?

[audience laughs]

"Why is the sun hot?"

"I don't know. Why don't you shut up?"

[audience laughing]

"Well, that was uncalled-for."

[audience laughs]

Even easier to be a father back then.

You weren't even considered one of the parents.

[audience laughing]

You just had to show up and hit everyone once in a while.

[audience laughing]

My father would act like we were strangers who just broke into the TV room.

"Where the hell did these kids come from? Get them out of here!"

My mother would come. "Leave your father alone. He works hard."

"We were just playing." "Well, now you're just shutting up."

[audience laughs]

[Tom chuckles]

It was a different time.

We had an uncle who couldn't take it anymore.

He just stood up in the middle of dinner and just walked out the front door.

And didn't come back. Just left my aunt and my cousins behind.

And just left. We were like, "Where's Uncle Bob?"

And they lied right to our face. They said he went to Siberia.

[audience laughing]

He wasn't in Siberia.

He went to his girlfriend's apartment in the same town

and lived there for two years.

In the same town.

We'd see him around.

[audience laughing]

We'd be in the supermarket. "Is that Uncle Bob?"

[audience laughs]

"No, that son of a bitch is in Siberia."

[audience laughing]

"Looks a lot like Uncle Bob."

"Looks like you're gonna shut the hell up."

[laughter and applause]

[Tom chuckles]

And then one day, he just walked back in, sat down, and kept eating.

[audience laughs]

Like nothing ever happened. We were like, "How was Siberia?"

He was like, "That wasn't her name."

[audience roars with laughter]

[applause]

[cheering and applause]

[Tom chuckles]

Things are better now.

I think with the truth coming out, things are better.

We're actually helping people, not sticking things in the attic anymore.

We're dealing with mental health, helping each other out.

It's a much nicer time.

Everyone's going to therapy. Good for you.

If you need someone to talk to and you go to therapy, good for you.

I'm not going, but good for you!

-[audience laughing] -[Tom laughs]

I'm not right. There's a lot needs to be fixed.

But I'm having a good time.

And I know if I go to therapy, they're gonna stop it.

[audience laughing]

[applause]

-[cheering and applause] -[Tom laughs]

I know what's wrong with me. I eat too much, and I drink too much.

"Don't you want to find out why?"

[chuckles] I know why.

Life is hard, and that stuff's fun to do.

[audience laughing]

[chuckles] We all got stuff. Everyone's dealing with stuff.

Everybody in here's got something.

I still shoplift.

[surprised laughter]

[laughing] I do.

You should do it too. It's fun.

[audience laughing]

[Tom laughs]

You know when you're a kid and you steal? I never got caught, and I'm still going.

[audience laughing]

Yeah, I'm undefeated.

[audience laughing]

Not big stuff. I'm not an ass.

Little stuff, like dental floss and candy. Stuff like that.

Stuff we shouldn't have to pay for in the first place.

[laughs] You know what I mean? Pens? I'm not paying for pens.

I'm not giving you money for pens. I steal pens.

CVS, Walgreens…

You. If we're hanging out, I would get your pen.

[audience laughing]

Try it. It's really fun.

Especially as an adult, they don't really mess with you.

Some 16-year-old manager of a CVS

sees you sticking a Blow Pop in your pocket.

"I don't have time for this shit!"

-[audience laughing] -[sighs]

"Call the cops on my principal? This is ridiculous."

[audience laughing]

The older I get, the more I'm gonna steal, for sure.

[audience laughs]

Oh yeah, when I'm 80, that's all I'm gonna do.

[audience laughs]

Wake up in the morning, have coffee, go to Best Buy and roll that place.

[audience laughing]

"He's back! What's he got this time? Looks like a PlayStation."

[audience laughing]

[applause]

"Should we take it back?" "No, follow him to his car."

"He falls asleep before he turns it on. He'll be all right."

-[audience laughing] -[Tom chuckles]

Oh.

Helping kids now, that's better, you know? Helping kids out, that's a good thing.

When people have little problems, great teachers are helping them out.

We didn't have that. When I was a kid, we didn't have great teachers.

They were a hot mess.

They had no answers for us. They just called me hyper.

That's what they would tell my parents.

Every back-to-school night. "This kid's hyper."

"He talks all day and makes friends in the middle of class."

Oh! We got to stop that shit immediately.

[audience laughs]

[laughs] They would show up, adjust their wigs,

do a shot of Jack Daniel's, and throw shit at us.

[audience laughs]

They were always throwing stuff at us. Erasers, chalk…

My best friend got hit in the head with a dictionary.

Yeah, right in his head.

We didn't need Adderall. We were focused.

[audience laughing]

[applause]

[laughs] Our lives depended on it.

We had a Spanish teacher. She used to come in so hungover,

there was a 50% chance her boobs would pop out.

[audience laughing]

[laughs] We were focused.

[audience laughing]

Muy bien! Muy bien!

[audience laughing]

[Tom laughs]

If you do go to therapy, just know, you're gonna go forever.

You gotta go forever.

Because we don't get fixed. There's no fixing this.

I've never had a friend come up, "Last day of therapy. I'm all better now."

[audience laughing]

[laughs] It doesn't work like that.

We're not-- We're physical beings.

We're constantly changing, constantly changing,

evolving, and decaying.

That affects you physically,

and that affects your emotions, minute to minute, second to second.

You can't pay that much attention to yourself.

We're an ongoing project.

Sometimes I really think my whole emotional makeup

is completely dependent on what I ate that day.

Ever had one of those days?

"Cool Ranch Doritos? I haven't had those in a while."

[munching]

And a half hour later, I'm like, "I think I'm gonna kill myself."

[audience laughing]

"Why are my eyes hot? I feel weird."

[audience laughing]

Always changing.

I don't know any of you, but I know for a fact,

you're slightly different now than when we started the show.

Right? The weed's wearing off.

[audience laughs]

The alcohol's kicking in.

Some of you didn't get a chance to eat and you're all cranky.

Some ate too much. Now you're all gassy and offending your neighbors.

[audience laughs]

Some of you are jammed in the middle. You thought about peeing?

You really should have peed. You really should have peed.

[audience laughs]

[Tom laughs]

We're not supposed to be happy all the time.

Don't put pressure on yourself.

Don't feel like you're less than because you're not happy all the time.

That's a lie. That's a social media construct.

We're not supposed to be happy all the time.

Happy's like a coke spike. It's like way up there.

You know? No one's happy all the time.

Clowns are happy all the time, and they freak everybody out.

[audience laughing]

Walking around with permanent smiles.

'Cause they're killing things at night and thinking about it during the day.

[audience laughing]

We're not supposed to be happy all the time.

Happy's way up here. Joyful, you should be joyful.

But that's down here. That's down here. Joy is right down there.

And depressed, right under it.

-[audience laughing] -Right there. Right there.

So close to joy, and all day long,

just "Zim, zam, zim, zam, zim."

[exclaims]

"Zim, zam, zim." -[audience laughing]

There'd be no comedy if we were happy all the time.

We wouldn't be here right now. This is how it works.

You come in, we laugh for a couple of hours.

As soon as it's done, right back to Shitsville!

[audience laughing]

[laughs] Yeah. That's what I called your life.

Shitsville.

-[applause] -[Tom laughs]

It's all right. I live there too.

[audience laughs]

[Tom laughs]

Not supposed to be happy all the time.

Think about all the paintings in all the great museums

of all the great people who came before us, right?

Queen Elizabeth, Joan of Arc,

Washington, Jesus.

Not one smile. You ever notice that?

No one is smiling.

There's no paintings of Lincoln and his bros, like…

[audience laughing]

One famous smile, the Mona Lisa, and it's a shit smile.

[audience laughing]

That's the kind of smile you give to someone

when they get on your elevator at the last minute.

[audience laughing]

[applause]

"Couldn't wait? Couldn't wait? Okay."

"Now you're pressing all the buttons. Great. Nice to have you."

[audience laughing]

Sometimes you just need perspective, to know that you're doing all right.

You know?

I go to shitty bars. You ever do that?

Every town's got one.

Do it. Do it.

You know the bar I'm talking about.

It's weird, no windows. There's just one porthole on the door.

You never see anyone go in or out.

The door has padding on it, for some reason.

Go in there. Go in there in the middle of the afternoon

and buy drinks for the 80-year-old guy sitting at that little crummy bar,

under the saddest Christmas lights of all time.

They've been hanging there since 1937.

[audience laughs]

Buy that guy some drinks. No one knows his name.

They call him Popeye, but nobody really knows his name.

Listen to his stories.

How he fought in every war, lost money in every recession,

has every STD known to man.

After an hour of that, you come back out into the light.

You're like, "I think I can do this."

[audience laughing]

[exhales]

"I'm gonna be all right."

[cheering and applause]

It's hard to feel good. It's hard to feel good.

I don't feel that great right now.

Do you? I'm having a great time, but I don't feel good.

Do you feel good? No.

Yeah. You feel fat. We all feel fat.

-[audience laughing] -[Tom laughs]

Yeah. Not fat, puffy, puffy.

-Definitely puffy. -[audience laughs]

We could totally pee this out. Don't you think?

We could totally pee it. It's just water weight.

Water mixed with adult chicken fingers, and mac and cheese bites,

and ice cream we eat standing up in the kitchen when our family's asleep.

-[audience laughing] -[Tom laughs]

No, you don't need me calling you fat.

You know what's wrong with you.

[audience laughing]

Might not be fat, might not be fat, but there's something.

There's something you don't like about you. We all carry it.

I don't know what it is, but you're thinking about it right now.

Maybe you got weird love handles.

Maybe a misshapen nipple. I've seen a lot of those.

The one that keeps wandering off to the right for no reason.

Everybody's looking this way, and she keeps going over there.

[audience laughing]

A lot of feet. A lot of feet out there. A lot of feet. It's feet season out there.

I see 'em at the airport. A lot of bad feet out there.

A lot of middle-aged women seem to be evolving right before our eyes,

growing extra toes in real time.

You ever see that? Next to the big toe, there's a jut that comes out at the side.

[imitates a monkey whooping]

[audience laughing]

Looks like it comes in handy at home, you know, raking the leaves, and…

[audience laughing]

…returning emails, and talking on the phone at the same time.

[audience laughing]

You're in public now. How about some socks?

[audience laughing]

We torture ourselves. It's our brains.

I think our brain's main objective

is to collect insults hurled at us throughout our life, store them,

and play them over and over in a loop until we're dead.

[audience laughs]

And even then, I bet it doesn't stop.

I bet it doesn't stop.

I bet I'll be looking at myself in the coffin at the end,

"Oh, I am disgusting. Look at me."

[audience laughs]

"Why'd they put me in that tracksuit? I never wore that."

"How could I be dead and still look sweaty? I'm the worst."

[audience laughing]

Most of these insults, by the way,

this weird, little, low self-esteem you have every once in a while,

that's from insults long ago.

This isn't fresh stuff.

This is how long your brain has held on to it.

No one insults you as an adult.

When's the last time in the supermarket, someone rolls up, "Nice waddle, fat ass"?

[audience laughing]

Standing behind you at the register. "You look poor."

[audience laughing]

"I'm shopping for my family."

[audience laughing]

[laughs] It was when you were little, when you first went to school all excited.

"So long, everyone. I'm going to kindergarten."

And you walked into school all excited, and the other kids came running up,

"You smell like ham."

[audience laughing]

"Why would you say that? I'm here to color and make friends."

Thirty years later, walking through your house,

"I'm not getting that promotion. Everyone knows I smell like ham."

[audience laughing]

"They're gonna give it to Donna. Everyone loves Donna."

"She smells like cookies."

[audience laughing]

Only our brains, by the way. Only our brains.

Other animals don't have this problem. Your dog doesn't have low self-esteem.

Your dog doesn't call himself a piece of garbage,

even while he's eating out of the garbage.

[audience laughing]

He doesn't sit on the couch afterwards and beat himself up.

"What is wrong with me?"

[audience laughing]

"I have got to get my act together."

"I told everyone on New Year's Eve, 'no more garbage'."

[audience laughing]

"I said it in front of a room full of people."

"They left that door open a crack. I lost my shit back there."

[audience laughing]

"I can't go for a walk looking like this."

[audience laughing]

No, your dog eats the garbage, sits on the couch,

"Thank you. I see what you did for me."

[audience laughing]

"Thank you. I love you too."

"I ate it all. I ate it all."

"I even ate the bag. Yes, I did."

[audience laughing]

"Yes, I did. You know why? Because I'm a good boy."

[audience laughing]

"Yes, I am. I'm a good…" [mimics retching]

"Oh, I'm sorry."

[audience laughing]

"Oh God, I threw it up. I'm so sorry."

"Are you gonna clean that up? No, no, no."

"I'm gonna eat that too."

[audience roars with laughter]

[applause]

"You do for me, I do for you."

[audience laughing]

"I think there's an avocado pit stuck in my ass."

[audience laughing]

"Don't worry. We'll deal with it on Wednesday when you're late for work."

"Don't worry about it now."

[audience laughing]

Got to be more like your dog.

Treat yourself like your dog treats themselves.

Really. Cut yourself some slack. You know? Don't be so hard on yourself.

What's the objective here, friends? What is it? To look amazing?

No, it's to stay alive. That's it. Just stay alive. That's all you gotta do.

And you're here tonight, so you did it. Congratulations.

[cheering and applause]

[Tom chuckles]

Well… [Tom laughs]

I don't know if it really necessitates applause, really.

[audience laughs]

[laughs] It's a lot of momentum at this point, isn't it?

[laughing] Yeah.

It turns out it's not that hard to stay alive.

All these close calls you've had in your life, and you're still going.

You're still going.

Constantly. Just constant close calls.

And every time there is a close call,

everyone else thinks it's hilarious, don't they?

"Dude, that bus was this close!"

-[Tom laughs] -[audience laughing]

"Dude, how long were you under the raft at the pool party? Oh my God!"

[audience laughs]

Constantly choking on stuff.

I once got a Pachinko ball stuck in my brain.

Know what Pachinko is? It's like pinball, but with these little ball bearings.

And when I was a kid, I realized the ball bearing fit perfectly in my nose.

I thought, "This will be hilarious. I'll put one in this nostril."

"Then I'll close this nostril and shoot it at my friend's face."

[audience laughing]

Good joke.

I got it all set up, and then I realized how funny it was gonna be,

and I inhaled.

[audience laughing]

I don't know where it went.

[audience laughing]

It was a weird trip to the emergency room. "Get it out!" It was so embarrassing.

"He thinks he's funny. Tell him what you did."

"Tell him what you did."

[whimpers]

[audience laughing]

"Just get it out."

A lot of close calls. We're always electrocuting ourselves. Constantly.

How many times have you, like, "bzz, bzz." Everywhere you go.

Why is it we all know what batteries taste like?

[audience laughing]

[laughs] Because we're stupid, and we're lucky to be here.

[audience laughing]

I had a college roommate.

This guy used to drink grain alcohol straight,

and then he'd light his farts in front of everybody.

Nightly. Nightly.

Even that guy is still alive.

[audience laughing]

[laughs] He is.

He's a lawyer in Phoenix.

-[audience laughing] -[Tom laughs]

People come to him with their problems.

They have no idea he's just a twitchy brain stem in a suit.

[audience laughing]

[Tom laughs]

I'm surprised we're alive from all the food we eat in this country.

Oh my God!

We have a good time, but we don't eat well.

We're the only country that has a nationwide hot-dog-eating contest.

Hot-dog-eating contest.

A hot dog is the worst thing you can put in the human body.

They've done studies that every hot dog you eat

takes 30 minutes off of your life.

That should be a national emergency.

[audience laughs]

Does it stop us? Hell no!

Instead, we have a contest and put it on ESPN on the 4th July,

to shine a light on the best and brightest of us all.

[audience laughing]

-[cheering and applause] -[Tom laughs]

We feed them to our children at the barbecue.

We yell, "You get off that trampoline, put out your cigarette,

and eat this hot dog."

[audience laughing]

"Show some respect."

But who cares, right?

Thirty minutes off your life. It's not like it comes off tonight.

[audience laughs]

It's not like you eat the hot dog today and lose it this evening.

No, it's at the end, when it's weird and scary.

So you're telling me, with every hot dog I eat,

I have 30 minutes less of staring at a wall in a nursing home.

[audience laughing]

Waiting for a stranger to change me.

[audience laughing]

Sounds to me like hot dogs are a superfood.

[audience laughing and cheering]

[cheering and applause]

[Tom laughs]

Seems like we should be eating hot dogs with every meal.

[laughs] They should redo that food pyramid

and put a hot dog on top.

[audience laughing]

[Tom laughs]

I know there's pressure. I know there's pressure.

There's always a lot of pressure.

I don't want to make you feel bad about yourself,

or add to your feelings of low self-esteem.

You're beautiful. You're all beautiful. You really are. You're miracles.

This is insane that we're here in this moment at all.

That somehow, all this stardust in this vast, crazy universe

somehow came together and cobbled together you!

You're a miracle, and you're sitting next to another miracle.

We're all miracles.

I know it's hard to think that sometimes.

When you stop at 7-Eleven around midnight on your way home.

[audience laughing]

Not exactly crawling with miracles.

[audience laughing]

It looks like a lot of mistakes.

[audience laughing]

[laughs] That's okay.

They're miracles too. They're just making weird choices, that's all.

No, you're all beautiful. I'm attracted to all of you right now.

Mostly 'cause you're covered up. Let's be honest, right?

Everyone's got their own style. Everyone looks great.

A couple hours from now, we peel these layers off…

-[groans] Oy-he-he-he. -[audience laughs]

Different story. A lot of weird dangly bits.

Strange Jack and the Beanstalk hairs coming out of your ass.

Things growing on your body you didn't think grew on a human.

"Is that a barnacle? What am I?"

[audience laughing]

"What am I, a boat?"

I don't like seeing myself naked, honestly.

I come out the shower. I'm the only one in the bathroom.

I catch myself in the mirror. "Oh!"

[audience laughs]

I towel up immediately, like a fancy lady, from tits to thighs.

[audience laughing]

Like a pig in a blanket, with one soft serve towel on top.

[audience laughing]

My nipples used to be up here.

[audience laughing]

They were here. I saw a picture of me in high school. They were here.

They're here now. They're here.

Really, they were here. They're now down… I'm touching them right now. They're here.

[audience laughing]

It's like they quit and walked off the job.

[audience laughing]

No two weeks' notice.

Just flipped over the desk, gave me the finger, and made a run for it.

And they're still on the move. They're still on the move.

I never catch 'em, but they're moving. They're like two ex-cons in a wheat field.

[audience laughing]

When I'm 80, they're gonna be in my pockets.

[audience laughing]

It's hard to feel good about yourself, especially with social media.

Every time you open up your phone, there's some people that look great.

They're always calling you a loser, because you don't live like them, right?

You get all these cold plunge people on your feeds.

You get these jackasses.

Act like you're a loser if you don't start off at 6:00 a.m.

in a bucket of ice water.

Shut the hell up.

Get off of my phone.

I'm gonna do a video about the benefits of a long hot shower.

That's a winner, where you just keep making it hotter and hotter and hotter,

and then you stay an extra 15 minutes, and you come out like a wet noodle,

and cancel all your appointments for the day.

That's a winner.

[cheering and applause]

[Tom laughs]

All these guys always showing me their abs.

They've always got their shirt off where it should be on.

Like at a school or a bus stop.

"You want abs like these?"

[chuckles] "No, honestly."

What am I gonna do with those abs? Nothing.

They're not gonna help my life at all.

I'm not impressed by those guys. I feel bad for those guys.

I know they're alone. They have to be alone.

You can't live with another person and have abs like that,

doing crunches under the coffee table 24 hours a day.

When they're trying to watch their shows. No one's gonna stand for that.

No, they live alone in a one-bedroom apartment

with a pull-up bar,

eating protein shakes, and shitting like a goat.

[audience laughing]

They don't impress me. You impress me.

People who live with other people in a family. That's impressive.

You think abs can do what you do?

Get a whole family ready for school on a Tuesday morning in the dark?

Making individual breakfasts for every needy bastard in your house?

'Cause God forbid they eat the same thing on the same damn day. They never do that.

And then feed all the animals at the same time?

And clean what pops out the other side of them almost immediately?

[audience laughs]

Then drop them all off at school.

Then pick them up at the end of the day, 20 minutes later.

[audience laughing]

Then drive them around like you're their Uber driver

the rest of the afternoon,

taking them to all their dumb activities they can't even do.

[audience laughing]

No way. You think abs is gonna sit in a little chair at a dentist's office?

Flipping through a sticky magazine,

just waiting for the dentist to come out and give you a $5,000 bill?

[audience laughs]

A $5,000 bill, because the little bastard stopped brushing his teeth.

[audience laughing]

And you knew it. You knew it. You knew he wasn't brushing his teeth.

But you stopped asking,

because you didn't want to ruin bedtime every night.

You got tired of being the bad guy.

You checked the brush, you checked the brush,

and it was wet, but that was a lie.

[audience laughing]

[applause and cheering]

That was a lie.

[laughs] That was a con job.

He was wetting his brush, sitting on the toilet,

probably looking at porn on his phone.

[audience laughing]

And now you have a $5,000 bill.

[audience laughing]

But as crazy as that house is, you know, and costly,

I would much rather live with all those heartbeats,

all those needy heartbeats, than live alone with my abs.

You know? 'Cause on some level, your family has to be grateful.

They'll never say thank you.

They'll never say, "Thanks for keeping us alive."

But that's literally what you're doing.

You're literally keeping them alive. Without you, they're dead. They're dead.

[audience laughing]

I could leave my daughters with a can and a can opener,

come back 24 hours later, dead!

[audience laughing]

Dead.

They'll never say thank you, so don't wait for it. Gotta draw it out of 'em.

When you see them tomorrow, "My friend last night told me to remind you,

without me, you're dead!"

"Or worse, no teeth. You'd have no teeth."

"Like a jack-o'-lantern in December."

[audience laughing]

"Going to school with a smushed-in face…"

[audience laughing]

"…wishing you were dead."

[audience laughing]

"So you're welcome."

[audience laughs]

No, so I block all those people on Instagram.

I don't have those guys on my Instagram feed.

The only thing on my feed are bakers. That's it. Just bakers.

I love baking bread. I can't stop baking.

-[cheering and applause] -I love it.

My whole algorithm is nothing but bread. Bread and babies. That's all I got.

My favorite guy… Oh, you'd love him. He's two feet tall. He's five feet wide.

He's just a French baker. He's just one ab. He's just…

[audience laughs]

He's just one buttery ab.

And he bakes croissants. That's all he does. He bakes croissants.

He puts them in the oven, bakes them, breaks them out, cracks them open.

Steam comes out.

Then he eats them on camera, and I get aroused.

[audience laughing]

Food is my love language, or my family's love language.

That's how we all communicate, through food.

My mom would make salami sandwiches for me every day for school.

That's how I could tell how much she loved me at the moment.

If I got one salami sandwich, not that great.

If I got three, I was a good boy.

-[audience laughing] -[Tom laughs]

They used to call me Tommy Salami. That's how many salami sandwiches I'd eat.

They just visited me, my parents. Oh my God. I love 'em to death.

But two weeks, they came to my house.

No hotel, two weeks. Didn't ask, just showed up.

[audience laughs]

Two weeks! That's not a visit. That's an insurrection.

[audience laughing]

Man. My father is so cheap.

He picked the date they had to be there,

and the one before and after it, until it was cheap enough,

and then he bought the tickets.

I would have paid. I would have paid.

[audience laughing]

I would have paid for the flight, or a hotel, or a sniper.

[audience laughing]

[Tom chuckles]

I love 'em to death. Don't get me wrong. I love 'em to death.

It's a blessing to have your parents. It really is.

But, oh my God, it's a lot.

[audience laughs]

My mother was, like… She was so cute. She's like, "Don't worry."

"We're not gonna be a bother. We're just gonna hang around."

"It's not even gonna be like we're there. You don't have to entertain us."

"We just want to be around." "All right."

Yeah, right.

I'd try to sneak into the kitchen, early in the morning,

get one cup of coffee before it all starts.

They're just sitting there at the counter, like two lonely sea lions.

[audience laughing]

[wails]

[audience laughing]

[wails]

They've been waiting since 4:00 in the morning.

[audience laughing]

[wails]

"We didn't know when you were gonna get up." [wails]

-[audience laughing] -[Tom laughs]

When people stay with you,

there's no activity that eats up enough hours of the day.

You take them to the beach. "There's the ocean."

"All right, back to the house."

"Twelve more hours till bedtime."

-[groans] -[audience laughing]

[chuckles]

The problem is, they have no activities, they have no hobbies.

They don't crossword-puzzle, they don't pickleball, Sudoku, nothing.

They're just two Italian parents who eat.

They just eat and then talk about what they ate last night.

And they talk about what they're gonna eat tonight,

and is there time to eat in between?

They're like two retired raccoons just going through my kitchen.

[audience laughing]

My mother was dumpster diving under the kitchen sink,

looking for scraps.

"There's still meat on this chicken bone."

"I don't know why you threw that out, Mr. Big Shot."

[audience laughing]

My father was talking to me, eating a cookie.

He dropped it by mistake, stepped on it, peeled it off the bottom of his shoe,

and ate it!

[audience laughing]

Right in front of me!

[audience laughs]

I was like, "What are you doing?"

He looked at me like a toddler who knows he's in trouble but doesn't know why.

[audience laughing]

I'm like, "No shoe cookies! No shoe cookies!"

[audience laughing]

"Why are you eating a shoe cookie right now?"

He's like, "That? No, come on. I beat it. Five-second rule. I beat it."

It's not how it works.

If you drop a cookie in the toilet, you don't get to eat it if you're quick.

[audience laughing]

[laughs] I love 'em to death.

Look, I know it's a complicated relationship.

If you're lucky enough to still have your parents around, it's a blessing.

But I know you feel guilty a lot of the times.

Because sometimes they call, you don't pick up.

Then when you do pick up,

you get impatient, because they can't use the phone.

You say something mean before you hang up. I know you feel guilty a lot of the times.

But don't, don't, because I got news for you.

They're not saying great things about you either.

[audience roaring with laughing]

[applause and cheering]

I guarantee you my father was in the guest room at night,

"We've gotta get the hell out of here."

"Mr. Big Shot won't let me eat shoe cookies."

[audience laughing]

"Who the hell does he think he is?"

"I got you one, by the way, if you want."

[audience laughing]

"A little nightcap."

-[audience laughing] -[Tom laughs]

And now it's putting family in perspective for me.

Now that my kids are leaving, I'm gonna be them. I'm gonna be them.

You know? I'm gonna wanna just hang around.

I'm gonna want my kids to like me, and all that kind of stuff.

[sighs] I love family. It's a great thing. I come from a big family. I love family.

But it's a heartbreaker at the same time.

You're gonna get your feelings hurt.

You can't have that much love without getting your heart broken.

It's the same as when people buy those big dogs.

I never understand these people.

They get these giant dogs. They're all filled with fur and love.

And they take over the whole house. And everyone falls in love with them.

And they're dead in three months.

[audience laughs]

I couldn't take that heartbreak.

I need something small and shitty that's just gonna twitch and pee on itself

for 25 years.

[audience laughing]

Losing limbs, one at a time.

Eyes popping out.

"I'm still with you, Tommy. I'm still with you."

[audience laughing]

[Tom laughs]

I have a friend that just got a Great Dane.

Are you high?

[audience laughing]

A Great Dane? That dog should come with a shovel.

[audience laughing]

Couldn't handle it.

It's the same with the kids. They take up the whole house.

And then, before you know it, they're on their way out.

They don't remember the first five years you did that stuff for them.

They have no memory of it.

Then the last four years, they're trying to get away.

So you get, what, eight years in the middle?

I'm not sure it's worth it.

[audience laughing]

I told my daughter before she left,

"Just so you know, I did all of this for you."

"I did all of this for you."

"I didn't want this house. I didn't want to live in this town."

"I didn't want any of these animals."

"I don't even have friends anymore. All my friends are your friends' parents."

[audience laughing]

"I did this all for you, and now you're gonna go?"

"I should go."

[audience laughing]

"You can have it all."

[cheering and applause]

"Just give me a backpack with a Van Halen CD and some weed."

"And I'll go back to living the life I was living before I met you."

[cheering and applause]

Oh, but I love 'em so much.

So funny. You don't really plan your life, do you?

It just kind of unfolds. It just kind of happens.

You have a couple of ideas, but it just kind of happens.

I didn't know I'd be at this point in my life,

talking about this family.

It just happened.

I just got tired of eating pizza by myself.

I was eating pizza by myself all the time. "This is getting depressing."

I was eating pizza by myself when I saw a pretty girl.

I was like, "You want to eat pizza with me?"

[audience laughs]

She was like, "Yeah. I'm always eating pizza by myself."

"Me too. Let's eat pizza together."

"Okay." [munching]

[audience laughing]

Then five years later, we're going through the airport, through security,

with a naked toddler and a cat carrier,

breaking down a stroller with our feet at 6:00 a.m.,

sweating our asses off.

And our life was over. It was over.

[audience laughing]

All because I couldn't eat pizza by myself.

[audience laughing]

And I can't tell you what you should do with your life.

I don't know. Have kids, not have kids. Who knows?

Get married, not get married. You know? But for me, it was worth it.

For me, this whole thing was worth it, because now I know, at the end,

there'll be someone to pick up the phone. You know?

At the end, there'll be someone there

to pick up the phone when the police call…

[audience laughing]

…and say they found me swimming in the fountain at the mall again.

[audience laughing]

"Come on down. No, he's having a good time. No rush."

[audience laughing]

"No, his pants are on this time. He's actually having a good time."

[audience laughing]

"Kids are throwing pennies at him. He doesn't even feel it."

[audience laughing]

"He might have stolen a PlayStation. We'll talk about it when you get here."

[laughter and applause]

[Tom laughs]

[cheering and applause]

[Tom laughs]

[Tom laughs]

We're all going the same way, though.

Whatever you choose, we're all going off the same brochure.

We're all headed the same way. You know?

If you're young here tonight, and you see an old person,

I know you don't think that that's you in the future.

You look at an old person, that's not you in the future.

That's like looking at a sequoia tree or a unicorn.

[audience laughing]

But it is going to be you one day, before you know it.

If you're older and look at a young person and think, "I still look like that,"

you don't. You don't.

[audience laughing]

[applause]

You don't.

I know it's a cliché, but I'm turning into my father.

It's happening. I'm not planning it.

I just bought a three-pack of silicone spray the other day.

[audience laughing]

I don't even know what it is.

[audience laughing]

I don't know what people use it for, but I knew it was a deal, so I bought it.

[audience laughing]

Just like my father would.

And now I'm gonna give one away to the mailman for no reason.

[audience laughing]

Just like my father.

We all think we're young, and strong, and healthy,

and you all look beautiful tonight.

But before you know it,

you're gonna be in line at the airport, at the gate,

you're gonna be wearing a neck pillow, thinking it's cool.

And you're gonna break into old people exercises, out of nowhere.

Just gonna start doing some of these.

[audience laughing]

We're gonna be those old people who start coughing, out of nowhere.

Not eating anything, not drinking anything,

and they just explode!

[loud cough]

[audience laughing]

Turning purple. The eyes popping out.

[groans loudly]

And then they just stop and continue with the conversation.

[audience laughing]

"Are we gonna talk about what just happened?"

"You literally almost died a second ago."

"No? All right. Continue with the story I've heard a thousand times."

"This is great."

[audience laughing]

[Tom laughs]

It's hard to be an old person nowadays, though. It's hard.

Can't even retire anymore.

They keep raising the retirement age. That's not cool.

That's not nice to the old people.

That's not nice to the young people

who have to work with old people that long.

Do you… [laughs]

Do you really want an 80-year-old pilot? Really?

[audience laughs]

"Buckle up. We're going to Dayton! I mean Denver. You know what I mean."

[audience laughing]

[sighs]

"I'm so tired."

[audience laughing]

"I should have retired a while ago, but they won't let me."

"I'm close to death, and so are you!"

[audience laughing]

[Tom laughs]

If we're gonna make old people work, let's have fun with them. Rent 'em out.

Rent them out to people who want to take the carpool lane.

[audience laughing]

Tell them they're going to work.

You get to the office, drop 'em off, someone takes them the other way.

[audience laughing]

"Are we almost there?" [laughs]

"You were already there." "I was?"

[audience laughing]

"Didn't even eat my lunch."

-[audience laughing] -[Tom laughs]

Rent them out to people who do those haunted hayrides.

Just drop six old people in the woods along the path.

[audience laughing]

[Tom laughing]

I don't mean to mock old people. I really don't.

I want to be old people. I want you all to be old people.

That would be a blessing, you know? It'll be great. I'll still be on tour.

I'll come to your nursing home.

I'll tell jokes. You won't be able to laugh.

You'll just blink and fart at me.

[audience laughing]

[Tom laughs]

I want to live till I'm one of those guys that starts dressing like a sea captain

for no reason.

[audience laughing]

[Tom laughs]

You ever see these guys?

They don't have a boat, they don't live near the ocean.

They just show up like Captain Crunch one day.

-[audience laughing] -"Toot, toot!"

Got the hat, the buttons, the whole thing. And we just have to go along with it.

[audience laughing]

I hope you have a good rest of your year. I do. You know, enjoy yourself.

I don't think it's gonna be a great year.

-Uh… -[audience laughing]

Seems like it's gonna be pretty annoying.

I'd say turn off the news once in a while, but it's getting tougher to do.

Everyone's got dumb phones in your pocket. Every time you open them, "Ah!"

Another jackass yelling at you, right? "I just want to find a coffee place."

-"Oh! Ah!" -[audience laughs]

Terrifying, these phones.

I had to describe to my nephew the other day

what "nuclear Armageddon" was.

Yeah. Thanks for that, TikTok.

[audience laughing]

The kid had no idea what it was. He's 17 years old, by the way. Yeah.

I was like, "Maybe there's an advantage to being a C-student. Good for you."

[audience laughing]

[Tom laughs]

Everyone's yelling at him to read more. He was happy until a week ago.

[audience laughing]

I was like, "Yeah, look. Yeah, look, we're all gonna die one day,

and there's a way we could all die on the same day."

[audience laughing]

So don't worry about it. You can know too much in this world.

You can know too much. You don't need all this information.

Just because it's feeding us all the time, doesn't mean you need it.

You don't need it all. You know?

Sure, you can die in a nuclear attack. You could also die in a squirrel attack.

I saw that on YouTube. It's a horrible death.

They gouge out your eyes and fill you with nuts.

[audience laughing]

You can know too much in this world, my friends.

If someone gives you a chocolate chip cookie,

you don't think about what's in that cookie.

You don't think about all the butter, and the fat, and the sugar, and salt.

Made with someone's hands.

Someone's hands!

[audience laughing]

They say it like it's a good thing. "Here's a handmade cookie."

[audience laughing]

[laughter continues]

[Tom chuckles]

Don't think about that.

Someone gives you a cookie, "Thank you!" [munching]

[audience laughing]

Do you want to know all your friends' political views?

[chuckles] Not if you want friends, you don't!

[audience laughing]

Don't ask those questions. You can know too much.

I'll be honest with you.

I don't want to know what my wife is thinking about most things

most of the time.

[audience laughing]

We've been happily married for 24 years.

You know why? We don't ask dumb questions.

[audience laughs]

[cheering and applause]

"Are you happy right now?"

"Is there anything I should change about myself?"

We don't ask those questions.

You want to be happily married? Shut up and keep going.

[audience roaring with laughter]

[cheering and applause]

[Tom laughs]

Couples therapy? Are you high?

[audience laughs]

Pay a stranger to pick at your old fights? Hell no!

I tell my wife every night, "Look, you're a mess. I'm a mess."

"Let's watch a show."

[audience laughing]

I'll be honest with you. She doesn't like me right now.

She hasn't for, like, two months. I have no idea why.

And I'm not gonna find out.

[audience laughing]

[applause]

She'll come back. She'll come back.

Twenty-four years. She'll forget. She'll come back.

No, I love her to death. We're so solid.

If we didn't get divorced from all the animals we live with,

we're gonna be fine.

I said when we were getting married, "I'd love to start a family with you."

"That sounds wonderful. I don't need pets."

She said, "I don't need pets either." And she lied right to my face.

[audience laughing]

My wife and daughters went out and got different animals

every single week.

I live in this weird Noah's ark. You should see it.

Birds and fish and lizards.

We have a lizard. It has a life expectancy of 50 years.

[audience laughing]

And it knows it. It knows it.

[audience laughing]

Just hangs out on his branch and looks at me, like… [laughs mockingly]

"We both know who's winning this race."

[audience laughing]

Two crazy dogs.

We have this pug named Frank. The thing is hilarious.

[cheering and applause]

It's like living with an alien.

It snores while it eats.

[audience laughs]

Who does that?

He's standing at his bowl, he's chewing and he's swallowing. He's awake.

His eyes are closed. He's snoring. He's asleep.

[audience laughing]

On Thanksgiving, I went to move the cutting board,

after I carved the turkey,

and all the juice came running down the bridges of it,

off the edge, right onto his face.

I never saw a dog laugh before.

[audience laughing]

He was so happy for half of the day. Then the other half, he was miserable.

He smelled turkey but didn't know where it was coming from.

[audience laughing]

[snoring]

[audience laughing]

And we've got this giant black lab, who shits like a man.

[audience laughing]

Never seen anything like it.

And I have to scoop it up and bring it back to the house,

like I'm bringing in wood for the storm.

[audience laughing]

And a cat, a psychotic serial killer cat,

who just kills for fun.

Doesn't eat any of it.

Just rips it to pieces and drops it off.

Here's a bird with no head.

"Oh!"

[audience laughs]

"Why would you do that?"

He looks at me like, "Why would you ask me this question?"

[audience laughing]

"I give you a gift, and this is how you treat me?"

[audience laughing]

It brings in live rats and drops them in the laundry room.

Live rats! He goes to the yard, gets rats, drags them in by their neck,

like the rat owes us money.

[audience laughing]

Of course my wife and I aren't gonna like each other all the time.

We're now a rat-catching team. This is how we spend our time.

I'm good with the magazine. I can get it into the corner, you know?

I can pin it.

But then the three of us are looking at each other. My wife, the rat, and I.

Someone's got to make a move.

Someone's got to grab this rat by its ass and get it outside.

And I'll be honest with you. I'm not doing it.

[audience laughing]

I didn't want these animals. I'm not grabbing a rat trying to bite me.

I'm good at faking it. Like I'm really trying, you know?

[audience laughing]

"They're so fast."

[audience laughing]

[laughs] My wife does it. She gets impatient.

She grabs it and looks at me. "You sissy."

And takes it outside.

I'll be honest with you. That's why I don't like her sometimes.

[audience laughs]

Who does that?

Now I've got to compartmentalize

that I'm not married to old "Rat Fingers" Johnson.

[audience laughing]

The love of my life is now covered in rat fingers.

"Oh, you don't want to fool around? Maybe I'll make you a cookie."

[audience laughing]

Thank you so much for coming. You guys were great.

[cheering and applause]

Thank you so much.

Take care of yourselves.

I'll see you next time around.

-[cheering and applause] -["Soul Man" by The Blues Brothers plays]

♪ Comin' to ya ♪

♪ On a dusty road ♪

♪ Good lovin' ♪

♪ I got a truckload ♪

♪ And when you get it ♪

♪ You got something ♪

[upbeat music playing]