All language subtitles for Three.To.Tango.1999.1080p.WEBRip.x264.AAC-[YTS.MX]

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CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
WARNER BROS.

[SWING MUSIC PLAYING]

Brian Setzer:
* I LIKE COFFEE, I LIKE TEA *

* I LIKE YOU, BABY,
NEXT TO ME *

* YOU'RE AS COOL
AS RED-HOT LAVA *

* JUMPIN'
EAST OF JAVA *

* CREAM AND SUGAR
SURE TASTES SWEET *

* BUT, BABY,
YOU GOT ALL THAT BEAT *

* YOU'RE THE CHICK
WITH THE SWINGIN' FEET *

* JUMPIN'
EAST OF JAVA *

* GET WITH IT, MAN,
ALL THE HIP CATS KNOW *

* BABY, IT TAKES
THREE TO TANGO *

* STEAMIN' LIKE A VOLCANO *

* JUMPIN'
EAST OF JAVA *

* OH, IT TAKES
A LOT OF COFFEE BEANS *

* JUST TO MAKE
A SINGLE CUP *

* YOU'VE GOT ME
PERCOLATING *

* BUM BUM BA DOOBA
DO BUM BUM BA DOOBA *

* GET WITH IT, MAN,
ALL THE HIP CATS KNOW *

* BABY, IT TAKES
THREE TO TANGO *

* STEAMIN' LIKE A VOLCANO *

[HORN HONKING]

OK.

YEP.
WE WALK IN THERE...

YES.
SHAKE HANDS.

WHERE DO WE SIT?

DOWN?

DOWN. RIGHT.
GOOD. DOWN.

WHY NOT?

ARE YOU GOING TO SAY
HELLO FIRST OR AM I?

WHY DON'T I SAY
HELLO FIRST?

OK. GOOD. THIS IS
GOING TO BE OK.

MORE THAN OK. IT'S
GOING TO BE MARVELOUS.

ARE YOU SURE?
BECAUSE LAST NIGHT I DREAMT

THAT WHEN WE WALKED INTO THIS
MEETING I HAD NO CLOTHES ON.

WELL, I WAS WEARING A DOILY.

AND THEN JULIE McCOY FROM
THE LOVE BOAT WAS THERE

AND SHE HAD 3 BREASTS.

AND THEN WE KIND OF
FELL INTO A HOT TUB,

AND THEN ALL OF A SUDDEN,
SHE WANTED A COMMITMENT.

I'M FREAKING OUT!

I'M FREAKING OUT.

OK, OSKIE, HERE'S
WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO.

WE'RE GOING
TO HAVE A SIGNAL.

IF YOU START TO BABBLE,
JUST WATCH FOR THE SIGNAL.

NO BABBLING, NO CHATTING,
NO SMALL TALK.

WE'VE GOT A SIGNAL NOW,
SO WE CAN DO THIS.

OK. YES, YOU'RE RIGHT.

WE CAN DO IT. THANK YOU.

WE'RE GONNA WALK IN THERE
AND KICK SOME ASS.

KICK SOME ASS.
SAY IT WITH ME.

KICK SOME ASS!
KICK SOME ASS!

HOLD ME.

[LET'S GET IT ON
PLAYING]

IT'S A BIT MUCH, I KNOW.

YOU LOOK INTIMIDATING
IN THIS PICTURE.

I ASKED, BUT THEY WOULDN'T
RUN A NUDE PHOTO.

NOW THAT WOULD HAVE BEEN
REALLY INTIMIDATING.

WHAT ARE YOU
DOING TODAY?

I CAN'T DISCLOSE
THAT INFORMATION.

YOU NEVER TELL ME
ANYTHING.

I LOVE IT WHEN YOU GET
ALL MUSHY LIKE THAT.

OH!

THIS SONG IS TOO SLOW.

[SANCTUARY PLAYS]

WHEN DO I SEE YOU AGAIN?

WHENEVER I FEEL LIKE IT.

[BLOWS RASPBERRY
ON STOMACH]

HA HA HA!

AHEM, MR. NEWMAN.

[GIGGLING]

IT IS NOW 3:55.

FROM 4:00 UNTIL 6:30
YOU WILL BE HEARING

PROPOSALS FOR
THE CULTURAL CENTER.

I'LL BE RIGHT OUT.

HI.

ALSO, YOUR WIFE CALLED.

SHE'S EXPECTING YOU FOR
DINNER AT THE RITZ AT 8:00.

THANK YOU.

NO, WAIT, AMY!
I'M OUTTA HERE.

CALL ME LATER!

OH!

I'LL BUZZ YOU WHEN THE FIRST
TEAM OF ARCHITECTS ARRIVES.

[BUZZ]

[ELEVATOR DINGS]

PETER, BEFORE WE GO IN,
I JUST WANTED TO SAY

THAT I KNOW I WOULD NEVER HAVE
AN OPPORTUNITY LIKE THIS

WITHOUT YOU, SO...YOU KNOW.

WHATEVER HAPPENS IN THERE,
I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW THAT...

I'M VERY HONORED
TO BE YOUR PARTNER.

YOU ARE THE BEST PARTNER
THAT A MAN COULD EVER HAVE.

OK.

NOW, LET'S GO INSIDE

BEFORE YOU START SINGING
OR SOMETHING, OK?

OK.

Strauss:
OH, LOOK AT THIS.

IT'S GILLIGAN AND
THE SKIPPER, TOO.

WHAT HAVE YOU STUDMUFFINS
BEEN UP TO LATELY?

WELL, WE'VE BECOME
TRIATHLETES, ACTUALLY.

WE BIKE, WE SWIM, WE...

ALSO DO
THE THIRD THING.

BY THE WAY, CONGRATULATIONS
ON THE WORK YOU DID

ON THAT MEN'S ROOM
IN THE BUS STATION.

YES, YOUR USE OF MOSAIC
IN THE URINAL TROUGH

WAS VAGUELY REMINISCENT
OF THE 90-FOOT MURAL

WE DID IN THE LOBBY OF
THE HANCOCK BUILDING.

EXCEPT PEOPLE DON'T
LINE UP TO PISS ON OURS.

THAT'S NOT TRUE.
WE READ THE REVIEWS.

OUCH. HUMOR.

[DOOR HISSES]

DECKER AND STRAUSS.

OOPS. LET'S GO
NAIL THIS JOB.

SEE YA.
[WHISTLES]

WATCH YOUR FEET.

PARDON ME.

WELL, I'M NOT WORRIED.
YOU?

NO. ABSOLUTELY NOT.

WE'RE DEAD.

YEAH, WE'RE DEAD.

[RUSHING WATER]

[KEYBOARD CLICKING]

OOPS.

SIR, THE CHARLES NEWMAN
CULTURAL CENTER

WOULD REDEFINE CULTURAL LIFE
AS WE KNOW IT IN THE CITY.

THERE'D BE A MUSEUM,
AN OPERA HOUSE,

AN INTERNATIONAL
FOOD COURT.

Decker: PICASSO,
MADAME BUTTERFLY...

BURRITOS.

INTERESTING.

UM, STEINBERG AND NOVAK.

OSKIE...
[CLICK CLICK]

OK.
OH, YEAH.

GOOD LUCK, LADIES.

THANK YOU.

GENTLEMEN?

SO, YOU'VE WORKED
WITH THOSE TWO MEN?

WE DID.

ARE THEY REALLY,
YOU KNOW, PARTNERS?

OH.

OF COURSE, PETER IS,
YOU KNOW,

BUT OSCAR IS--

ACTUALLY, JOSH, OSCAR
IS VERY, VERY, YOU KNOW.

IT'S NICE TO
MEET YOU, SIR.

IT'S NICE
TO MEET YOU, SIR.

THEY--THEY HANG OUT
AT, YOU KNOW, BARS,

AND THEY MARCH IN
THE, YOU KNOW, PARADE.

THEY HAVE, YOU KNOW,

SEX WITH,
YOU KNOW, MEN.

IT'S VERY NICE
TO MEET YOU, SIR.

HE CAN HEAR YOU.

NO, HE CAN'T.
YES, HE CAN.

HELLO, MR. NEWMAN.
I'M PETER STEINBERG,

THIS IS OSCAR NOVAK.

IT'S VERY NICE
TO MEET YOU.

HOW ARE YOU GUYS
DOING TODAY?

GREAT.
COULDN'T BE BETTER.

IT'S AN HONOR TO MEET YOU,

AND YOUR OFFICE IS--
HEY, YOU HAVE A BUDDHA.

OH, I LOVE BUDDHAS.

THEY'RE LIKE BRIGHT
CHEERY NAKED ASIAN SANTAS.

[CLICKING]

I HAD A BUDDY IN COLLEGE
WHOSE NAME WAS BOB

AND WE USED TO CALL HIM
"BUDDHA BOB"

BECAUSE HE WAS KIND OF FAT
AND LIKED TO WALK AROUND NAKED.

WE USED TO RUB
HIS BELLY FOR LUCK.

[CLICKING]

ANYWAY...I LOVE BUDDHA.

HE ROCKS.

THE BUDDHA IS AN IMPORTANT
SPIRITUAL FIGURE

FROM WHICH I DRAW
TREMENDOUS INSPIRATION.

JUST KIDDING.

[GASPS]

LET ME HEAR WHAT YOU HAVE.

THE TELFORD WAS NOT JUST
CONSIDERED A GREAT MUSEUM,

BUT A WONDER OF THE AGE.

WOW.

I BARELY RECOGNIZE IT.

WE PROPOSE A RENOVATION

THAT MODERNIZES AND
EXPANDS THE TELFORD

WITHOUT ECLIPSING ANY
OF ITS CLASSIC GLORY.

YOU SEE, TO US, THE TELFORD
IS A WORK OF ART.

ONE OF CHICAGO'S
TRUE MONUMENTS.

PRESERVING IT WOULD BE
MORE THAN A JOB FOR US.

IT WOULD BE AN OPPORTUNITY--

SORRY.

JUST A SEC.

[LAUGHING]

LENORE?

SHH.
YES, MR. NEWMAN?

BRING IN DECKER AND STRAUSS
AND MY ECHINACEA DROPS.

[SWISHING]

I LIKED YOUR PRESENTATION.

BIG, MODERN, BOLD.

AND YOU TWO,
PRESERVING THE OLD

AND CONTRASTING IT WITH
THE NEW, I LIKE THAT, TOO.

YOU ESPECIALLY, I LIKE.

PASSIONATE, SINCERE,
GOOFBALL.

YOU FIND HIM?

FOUND HIM AND
HOUSEBROKE HIM.

THIS IS WHAT WE'RE GONNA DO.

YOU WILL EACH BUILD A MODEL--
BIG MODELS--

AND WE'LL DO IT
IN THE TELFORD ITSELF.

WHAT DO YOU GUYS
THINK OF THAT?

I LOVE IT.

THE PRESS WILL LOVE IT,

AND THEN
I...I PICK THE WINNER.

I JUST THINK
THAT'S--THAT'S...

A FANTASTIC--AHEM--
FANTASTIC IDEA.

YOU'LL PAY FOR THESE MODELS
OUT OF YOUR OWN BUDGET.

DO YOU KNOW
HOW UNFAIR IT IS

HIM GETTING YOUR
HOPES UP LIKE THAT?

AS IF YOU TWO EVEN HAVE
A GHOST OF A CHANCE.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT--
WHEN WE GET THE JOB,

WE'LL THROW A COUPLE
OF MEN'S ROOMS YOUR WAY.

HA HA!
MEN'S ROOMS!

OK. HOW MUCH IS THIS
GOING TO COST?

$150,000.

WELL, THAT'S TOO MUCH.
THAT'S TOO MUCH.

[SIGHS]

I COULD TAKE OUT A SECOND
MORTGAGE ON MY APARTMENT.

COME ON, PETER,
YOU HAVE ALREADY

INVESTED, LIKE, EVERYTHING
INTO THIS COMPANY.

I CAN'T LET YOU DO THAT.

WE HAVE TO.

WE DON'T HAVE TO.

OSCAR...WE'RE GOING
TO GET THIS JOB.

WE'RE GONNA GET THIS JOB.

WE'RE GONNA
KICK SOME ASS!

KICK SOME BIG ASS!

I LOVE YOU!
I LOVE YOU!

I LOVE YOU!

WE WERE JUST--

VERY NICE TO MEET
YOU BOTH TODAY.

HERE WE GO.

WELL, THAT SEEMS TO BE
A CLOSE PARTNERSHIP.

YEAH, THEY SEEM
VERY CLOSE.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

OH, YOU KNOW.

REALLY.

PHEW.

THEY'RE BOTH GAY?
THE GOOFBALL, TOO?

OPENLY.

I'M SO EXCITED.
I'M OVERLY EXCITED.

RIGHT HERE...

AND THEN WE WALK
AROUND...

[CORK POPS]

WHOO!

I HAVE SOME BAD NEWS.

I CAN'T MAKE IT TO YOUR OPENING
AT THE GALLERY TONIGHT.

I DID MY BEST,

BUT OLIVIA'S BEEN PLANNING
THIS BENEFIT FOR MONTHS.

THAT'S OK.

I'M SICK ABOUT
THE WHOLE THING.

IT'S ALL RIGHT,
CHARLES, REALLY.

[SIGHS] SO...

WHO'S GONNA BE THERE?

CHARLES, DON'T START.

IF I'M NOT THERE,
IT'S A PERFECT OPPORTUNITY

FOR ONE OF THESE CLOWNS
YOU DATED TO GET BACK IN.

CHARLES, COME ON.

WHAT ABOUT THAT GUY
FROM ART SCHOOL

WHO PAINTS THE FLAGS
FROM AROUND THE WORLD

ON PEOPLE'S ASSES AND
THEN HE PHOTOGRAPHS IT?

I HATE THAT GUY.

NOT TO MENTION
KEVIN CARTWRIGHT.

WITH HIS BIG
GROTESQUE MUSCLES

AND HIS
"MR. NICE GUY" ACT--

AHEM.

KEVIN.

SO GOOD TO SEE YOU.
I GOT A LITTLE COLD.

GREAT GAME LAST WEEK.

CONGRATULATIONS
ON THE NEW CONTRACT.

THANKS. APPRECIATE IT.

I'LL JUST USE THESE
BIG GROTESQUE MUSCLES

TO LOAD THIS STUFF
OUT IN THE VAN.

SEE YOU AT THE GALLERY.

CHARLIE, YOU LOOK GOOD.
YOU BEEN WORKING OUT?

THANKS, KEVIN.
YOU'RE A LIFESAVER.

IMAGINE A DOME FLANKED

BY 4 SKY-LIT PYRAMIDS
ON EITHER SIDE.

WHAT OSCAR AND I SEE

IS A CONVERGENCE
OF 2 CLASSICAL STYLES...

WITH AN INTERPLAY OF--

MR. NEWMAN, I WOULD LIKE
TO SAY AT THIS JUNCTURE

HOW GRATEFUL WE ARE
FOR THIS OPPORTUNITY.

WE'RE EXCITED AND--AND--

OSCAR, YOUR MIGHT WANT
TO SAVE SOME OF YOUR DIGNITY

FOR LATER IN THE AFTERNOON
IN CASE YOU NEED IT.

I'M JUST TRYING TO TELL HIM
HOW THRILLED WE BOTH--

I APPRECIATE
YOUR LOYALTY, OSCAR.

IT'S A RARE COMMODITY
THESE DAYS.

CAN I TALK TO YOU
FOR A MOMENT PRIVATELY?

[CLICK CLICK]

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE QUITE
A GUY, OSCAR NOVAK.

NOVAK,
THAT'S HUNGARIAN, RIGHT?

YEAH.

GREAT.

YOU KNOW, LENORE
TOLD ME ABOUT...

ANYWAYS, I TOLD HER
I THINK IT'S GREAT

TO HAVE PEOPLE OF YOUR
BACKGROUND WORKING FOR ME.

YOU, PETER...

OH, OH, PETER ISN'T.

HE ISN'T?

NO. I AM, THOUGH. 100%.

I SEE.

Oscar: YOU'D BE SURPRISED
HOW MANY OF US THERE ARE.

Charles: WHATEVER.
DOESN'T BOTHER ME.

OSCAR, COULD I BE
HONEST WITH YOU?

I'M MARRIED.

WELL, HOW NICE FOR YOU.

I ALSO HAVE
A GIRLFRIEND.

OH. GREAT.

AMY IS AN AMAZING WOMAN.

ARTIST, IMPULSIVE,
UNPREDICTABLE.

A FREE SPIRIT.

TONIGHT SHE OPENS
AN EXHIBIT OF HER WORK.

I CAN'T BE THERE.

THIS WAS VERY
UPSETTING TO ME,

BUT I'M NOT
UPSET ANYMORE.

YOU'RE NOT?

NO. BECAUSE
I KNOW YOU'LL BE THERE.

GREAT. THANK YOU.
I WILL?

I'D LIKE YOU TO STAY
CLOSE TO HER,

TELL ME WHO SHE TALKS TO,
THAT SORT OF THING.

ONE GUY IN PARTICULAR.
KEVIN CARTWRIGHT.

EX-BOYFRIEND.
REAL PERSISTENT GUY.

I'M VERY WORRIED
ABOUT HIM.

WHAT DO YOU SAY?

Announcer:
PETER ELASOVIC KICKING IT AWAY.

HANGS IT HIGH. BATMAN HOLMAN
WILL GRAB IT ON THE 7.

GO, BUDDY!

GO, GO, GO, GO!

AAH!

OK, RUN ME THROUGH THIS
ONE MORE TIME.

CHARLES ASKED YOU
TO SPY ON HIS MISTRESS

AND YOU JUST SAID YES.

WHAT ELSE COULD I
HAVE SAID?

LET'S SEE. NO.

WHOA. WHAT HAVE
WE GOT THIS WEEK?

DIM SUM.

HURRY UP AND DIMME SUM.

RICK, YOU DON'T PUT
KETCHUP ON DIM SUM.

WHY?

BECAUSE, RAIN MAN, DIM SUM
ARE NOT FRENCH FRIES.

OSKIE, IT IS
REALLY IMPORTANT TO ME

THAT YOU GRASP THE DELICACY
OF THE SITUATION.

YOU CAN'T JUST GO OFF ON
SOME SPYING EXPEDITION.

LET HIM GO.
WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?

CATCH THE BALL,
FOR CHRIST'S SAKE!

WHAT DO YOU THINK
OF THESE?

AS CLOTHING?

Rick: SO THIS HONEY,
CHARLES' GIRLFRIEND,

IS SHE--IS SHE HOT?

HE CAN'T AFFORD TO GO OUT
WITH AN UGLY GIRL.

GIVE IT UP FOR CHARLES.
WHAT'D I SAY!

I DON'T KNOW WHAT
SHE LOOKS LIKE.

WHAT I DO KNOW IS BEFORE
SHE WENT OUT WITH CHARLES,

SHE WENT OUT WITH
KEVIN CARTWRIGHT.

HOLY SHIT.

WHO?
DAMN. REALLY?

THE RUNNING BACK.

WE WATCH HIM
EVERY WEEK.

FOR 7 SEASONS.

OH. YEAH.

THERE YOU GO.
THERE YOU GO.

THERE IT IS.

YOU KNOW WHAT THE DEAL
IS WITH THAT GUY?

HE CAUGHT
A REALLY BIG FISH?

NO, MAN. THAT HE'S HUNG
LIKE AN ARMY MULE.

THEY CALL IT THE PONDEROSA.

LIKE FROM BONANZA.
THE CARTWRIGHTS? THE PONDEROSA?

WHAT UP?

YOU'RE WHITE, MAN.
LET IT GO.

I DON'T THINK YOU GENTS
ARE REALLY GRASPING

THE GRAVITY
OF THE SITUATION.

THIS JOB COULD REALLY
LAND OSCAR AND I

IN THE MAJOR LEAGUES,

AND, WELL, SINCE CHARLES
IS SUCH AN IMPORTANT GUY,

CHANCES ARE THAT HIS
GIRLFRIEND IS A FOXY ONE.

THAT'S THE PROBLEM.
WE ALL KNOW HOW OSCAR

HANDLES HIMSELF
AROUND THE HONEYS.

THERE IT IS!

GIVE ME SOME CREDIT?
I HAVE A DEGREE OF SELF-CONTROL.

I DON'T JUST FALL OVER
EVERY PRETTY GIRL I SEE.

MAN'S GOT
YEAH.COMPLETE CONTROL.

YEAH, PETER,
YOU'RE PARANOID.

YEAH. OK?
SO DON'T WORRY.

LATER.
GOOD NIGHT, GUYS.

OSCAR!

I WANT YOU BACK HERE
BY 10:00, OK?

DORM CHECK AT 11:00!

[LAUGHING]

YOU KNOW WHAT'S FUNNY?

YOU'RE SO SCREWED.

[LAUGHING]

START LOOKING
FOR ANOTHER JOB.

WHICH ONE OF YOU WANTS
TO GET BITCH-SLAPPED FIRST?

I'LL GO SECOND.

[COUGHING]

I HAD NO IDEA THINGS
WERE SO HAIRY IN BOSNIA.

YELLOWS AND PURPLES.
I JUST LOVE ALL THIS.

OOH!
PARDON.

WHOA!

OH!
[GROANS]

HMM.

EXCUSE ME.

SHIT! PISS!

DAMN IT!
FOR CHRIST'S SAKES!

THEY'RE SUPPOSED
TO SCREW THESE THINGS.

[GASPS]

THANK YOU.
YOU SAVED ME.

OH, WELL, YOU HAVE TO PROTECT
SOMETHING AS BEAUTIFUL AS YOU.

AS IT.

YOU'RE NOT BEAUTIFUL,
THE SCULPTURE IS.

I AM SO SORRY. THIS NEVER
SHOULD HAVE HAPPENED.

BY THE WAY, HAVE I TOLD YOU
HOW ENCHANTING YOU LOOK?

WOW.

HEY.

SAW YOU CATCH THAT PIECE.
NICE MOVES.

WOW, THANKS.

COMING FROM YOU,
THAT'S A HUGE COMPLIMENT.

YOU STILL HOLD
THE COLLEGE RECORD

FOR THE MOST PENIS
IN A SINGLE SEASON.

SO YOU HAVE
ALL OF MY STATS?

OH, YEAH.
I'M A HUGE FAN.

I USED TO HAVE
THAT POSTER OF YOU.

HA HA HA!

DID I SAY PENIS
BACK THERE?

YOU DID.

THOUGHT I'D LET IT GO.

THANK YOU.

SO DO YOU COME TO THESE
GALLERY THINGS ALL THE TIME?

ACTUALLY, I'M VERY CLOSE
TO THE ARTIST. AMY POST.

OH, REALLY. HOW CLOSE?

RIGHT.
CLOSE.

SO WHAT ARE YOU DOING
AFTER THE SHOW?

I MEAN, DID YOU COME HERE
WITH ANYBODY BESIDES AMY?

WELL, ACTUALLY, I...

WILL YOU EXCUSE ME
JUST FOR A MOMENT?

YEAH. YOU GO AHEAD.
YOU GOT IT GOIN' ON.

[LAUGHS] YEAH.

"YOU GOT IT GOIN' ON."

Amy: EXCUSE ME.

THERE YOU ARE.
I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU.

I'M AMY POST,
AND I OWE YOU ONE.

HI. I'M--I'M--

OH, BOY. OSCAR NOVAK.

IT'S NICE TO MEET YOU, OSCAR.
THANK YOU FOR SAVING THAT PIECE.

OH, IT WAS AN HONOR.
YOUR WORK IS AMAZING.

I MEAN,
IT'S REALLY INCREDIBLE.

REALLY? WOW.

DON'T GET ME WRONG.
I COULD DO IT BETTER.

OH?

YEAH. I DON'T
ACTUALLY BLOW GLASS,

BUT IF I DID, I COULD
DO IT A LITTLE BETTER.

HA HA HA!

THERE'S A PARTY FOR SOME ARTISTS
AT A BAR ACROSS TOWN.

I WANT TO BUY YOU A DRINK.
PAY YOU BACK FOR SAVING MY ASS.

OH, I DON'T THINK--

SEE YOU GUYSBYE!
OVER THERE.

WAIT A SECOND. YOU SAID
YOUR NAME WAS OSCAR NOVAK?

OF STEINBERGYEAH.
AND NOVAK?

OH, MY GOD,
THAT IS SO WILD.

I KNOW CHARLES NEWMAN.

YOU DO?

HUH.
YEAH.

I LOVE THE TELFORD.
ONE OF MY FAVORITES.

THANKS. ME, TOO.

I KNOW EVERY
CURVE OF IT.

IT'S KIND OF LIKE
A PERSON TO ME.

THAT'S SCARING YOU.

NO.

NO, THAT'S HOW I FEEL
ABOUT MY STUFF.

I GET VERY CAUGHT UP
IN MY PIECES.

I FEEL LIKE THEY'RE
MY KIDS OR SOMETHING.

YEAH.

REALLY?
I EVEN TALK TO THEM.

OK.
HA HA HA!

SEE? I'M EVEN
SCARIER THAN YOU.

WE'RE A COUPLE OF KOOKS,
YOU AND ME.

[ENGINE CLANKING]

[BACKFIRES]

[SPEAKING FOREIGN LANGUAGE]

I THINK HE'S DEALING
WITH THAT RATHER WELL.

MAYBE WE SHOULD
JUST WALK?

NO, IT'LL BE FINE.
I'M GONNA CHECK THE ENGINE.

I'M GONNA CHECK THE--

[SHOUTING]

OK.
OSCAR--

PROBABLY JUST A HOSE.

OR NOT.

MM-HMM.

[CABBIE SHOUTING]

[GIGGLES]

GO. COME ON.

ALL RIGHT.

GO. JUST GO.

IT'LL RAIN
IN A SECOND.

[GIGGLING]

[MAKING
ODD NOISES]

UH, I HAVE
A QUESTION.

HMM?

WHAT THE HELL
ARE YOU DOING?

3 SOUNDS AT ONCE.

ALL RIGHT,
THAT'S HORRIFYING.

PLEASE DO IT AGAIN.

[MAKING NOISES]

EXCUSE ME, THAT'S NOT
3 SOUNDS AT ONCE.

NO, IT IS. IT GOES "BMP"
AND "TSK" AND THE HUMMING.

OK.

OH!

OH, SHIT!

HERE, LET ME. I GOT IT.

UNH!

OH, GOD,
YOU HURT YOURSELF.

NO. NO. YOU HURT ME.

YEAH, SEE,
YOU HIT ME IN THE FACE.

I'M SORRY.

WAIT.

SO, WHAT'S
GOOD HERE?

TUNA MELT.

OOH, WHAT ELSE
IS GOOD?

TUNA MELT.

WHAT DO YOU THINK?

2 TUNA MELTS.

SO, YOU SEEING
ANYONE RIGHT NOW?

UH, ME? NO.

I HAVE TROUBLE FINDING
PEOPLE THAT ARE COMPATIBLE.

THEY ALWAYS WANT TO SLEEP
ON MY SIDE OF THE BED.

WHAT SIDE?
LEFT SIDE.

GET OUT.
I LIKE THE LEFT SIDE.

SEE?

ARE YOU LONELY?

NO. NO. YOU'RE OK COMPANY

AS LONG AS YOU'RE NOT
BEATING THE HELL OUT OF ME.

I GET IT. YOU DON'T LIKE
TO REVEAL TOO MUCH.

I RESENT THAT.
AND I WOULD RESPOND TO IT

IF IT WEREN'T SO REVEALING.

THEN YOU CHANGE THE SUBJECT
WITH A JOKE. GO IT.

I WILL LET YOU KNOW
WHEN I AM JOKING.

[THUNDER]

THIS IS NOT FOOD.

I THINK IT LOOKS GOOD.

[CRUNCH]

TRY IT.

[CRUNCH]

OH, ARE YOU OK?

MOUTH...WATERING.
[STOMACH BURBLES]

GOD! I KNEW THAT
TUNA MELT TASTED FUNNY.

I'M LUCKY I CAN EAT
JUST ABOUT ANYTHING.

KNOW WHY? MY MOTHER
WAS A HORRIBLE COOK.

SHE MADE THIS CHICKEN THING
THAT SMELLED LIKE SHE TOOK

AN OLD TENNIS SHOE, A WET DOG,
AND SOME BLEU CHEESE--

MMM!

I'M SORRY.

COULD YOU EXCUSE ME
FOR A SECOND?

SURE.

[VOMITS]

BOY, I FEEL GOOD.

OH, GOD. DON'T WORRY.
YOU'LL FEEL BETTER IN A SECOND.

[SIGHS]

[VOMITS]

IT JUST DOESN'T GET
BETTER THAN THIS.

YOU STILL WANT TO GO
TO THAT PARTY?

OH, YEAH,
ABSOLUTELY.

[WHISTLES]

ARE WE SURE
THIS IS SAFE?

IT'S SAFE. ALLOW ME.

OOF!

HA!

MMM!

MAYBE WE SHOULD
SKIP THE PARTY.

MMM.

[AMY LAUGHING]

HEY, I'M SORRY ABOUT BEFORE.
HOW ARE YOUR BALLS?

THEY'RE FINE.
THANK YOU FOR ASKING THAT.

I HAD A GREAT TIME
TONIGHT.

ONE CATASTROPHE AFTER
ANOTHER. I LOVED IT.

ME, TOO.

THIS IS ME.

OH.

[LAUGHING]

WOULD YOU LIKE TO
COME DOWN TO MY SHOP

SOMETIME, SEE ME WORK?

OH, YEAH.
THAT'D BE GREAT.

TOMORROW? I COULD ALWAYS
USE A LITTLE HELP.

OH, UM...

OH. I'M SORRY.

YOU'RE PROBABLY
REALLY BUSY. THAT'S OK.

NO, I'D
REALLY LOVE TO.

SAY NO MORE.
I UNDERSTAND.

[SPLASHING]

[CLINK]

[IMITATING
CROWD CHEERING]

WHAT HAPPENED?

GEE--

WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED
TO YOUR HEAD?

I'VE BEEN UP FOR 9 HOURS.
I GOT BORED.

YOU'RE A VERY STRANGE MAN.

NOW, WILL YOU GET
OUT OF MY APARTMENT?

WHAT HAPPENED?
NOTHING.

OSKIE, OSKIE,
IT'S 6:00 IN THE MORNING.

IT WAS AWFUL, OK?

AS SOON AS WE LEFT THE GALLERY,
OUR CAB CAUGHT ON FIRE.

THEN SHE ELBOWED ME
IN THE FACE.

THEN--[SNIFFS]--
WE BOTH THREW UP.

THEN SHE SLAMMED A CAR HANDLE
INTO MY BALLS, OK?

THE ENTIRE NIGHT
WAS A TOTAL DISASTER.

YOU'RE IN LOVE
WITH HER.

PRETTY MUCH.

[SIGHS]

OSCAR, I'M GOING TO HAVE
TO DEFAULT ON MY MORTGAGE

AND MOVE INTO THE STREET
AND LIVE IN A BOX

AND WALK UP AND DOWN THE
STREET WITH A LITTLE BOWL

BEGGING FOR GRUEL
AND CRUSTS OF BREAD,

BECAUSE OF YOU, YOU BASTARD!

I TOLD YOU,
NOTHING HAPPENED.

SOMETHING
ALWAYS HAPPENS.

WHEN IT COMES TO
YOU AND ROMANCE,

MUCH AS I LOVE YOU,
SOMETHING ALWAYS HAPPENS.

YOU KNOW WHAT?
I RESENT THAT, OK?

I'VE HAD PLENTY OF RELATIONSHIPS
THAT WERE VERY SUCCESSFUL.

BEFORE THEY WENT
ABSOLUTELY NOWHERE.

I'M SORRY. OSCAR, LISTEN.

I DIDN'T MEAN THAT.
I REALLY DIDN'T MEAN THAT.

YOU GOTTA SEE
THIS WOMAN, PETER.

SHE'S BEAUTIFUL...

AND FUNNY...

AND SMART.

AND SHE HAS AN ASS
THAT IS SO SEXY

THAT I STRUGGLE TO EVEN
UNDERSTAND IT.

ARE YOU GOING TO CROCHET
THAT INTO A PILLOW

AND SEND IT
TO HER MOTHER?

HA.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE
STARTING TO SOUND

LIKE YOU HAVE A VERY
LOW OPINION OF ME, SIR.

OSCAR, YOU KNOW
THAT'S NOT TRUE.

IT'S JUST THAT
THIS PROJECT

REPRESENTS SUCH A MAJOR
OPPORTUNITY FOR US.

ALL OF OUR DREAMS
COULD COME TRUE.

I'M SURE AMY IS LOVELY
AND COMPLICATED,

BUT THERE ARE A MILLION
GIRLS OUT THERE

AND JUST
ONE PROJECT LIKE THIS,

SO I'M BEGGING YOU,
PLEASE, PLEASE,

STAY AWAY FROM AMY.

AND HER BEWILDERING ASS.

OK.

OK?

OK, I'LL STAY AWAY.

SORRY.

MOVE IT!

[SOBBING]

HOW MUCH ARE WE
PAYING THEM?

THEY'RE INTERNS.
THEY'RE FREE.

YEAH, WELL,
WE'RE GETTING RIPPED OFF.

[CELL PHONE RINGS]

HELLO.

OSCAR, HOW ARE YOU?

OH, HI, CHARLES.
HOLD ON FOR JUST ONE SECOND?

It's Charles!

Charles: HOW'D IT GO?

IT WENT GREAT.

YES, I DON'T THINK YOU HAVE
ANYTHING TO WORRY ABOUT THERE.

CARTWRIGHT--IT WAS GREAT.

I SEE. EXCELLENT.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

I KNOW THIS WHOLE THING
MAY SEEM EXTREME TO YOU.

I'M NOT PROUD OF MYSELF,
ASKING YOU TO LOOK OUT FOR HER,

BUT JUST KNOWING
SOMEONE'S THERE,

THAT WE'RE BOTH
KEEPING AN EYE OUT.

I'M JUST SO...COMFORTED.

THAT'S WHY I'D LIKE YOU
TO SPEND AS MUCH TIME

WITH HER AS POSSIBLE.
WHAT DO YOU SAY?

AS MUCH TIME WITH
AMY AS POSSIBLE?

Say no!

UH, I...

YOU KNOW, AS MUCH AS
I'D LOVE TO, SIR,

OSCAR, I HOPE YOU KNOW
I WOULD NEVER ASK YOU

TO DO SOMETHING WHICH
YOU FIND INCONSISTENT

WITH YOUR VALUES.

OF COURSE, IF YOU DON'T
WANT TO HELP ME OUT,

THAT'S OK.
I UNDERSTAND COMPLETELY.

Say yes! Say yes!

YES. YES.

THANK YOU, OSCAR.

NO PROBLEM, SIR--

[CLICK]

WELL, I GUESS I HAVE
TO KEEP SEEING HER.

OF COURSE YOU HAVE TO KEEP
SEEING HER, YOU MORON.

OSKIE, I'M A PROFESSIONAL.

I WENT TO GRADUATE SCHOOL.

I DID 72 ALL-NIGHTERS
MY SENIOR YEAR.

I DID A SEMESTER IN EGYPT.

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA

WHAT TOILET PAPER
FEELS LIKE IN EGYPT?!

I DELIVERED CINNAMON ROLLS
ON A TRUCK WITH BAD SUSPENSION

FOR 3 YEARS! DO YOU KNOW WHAT
THAT DOES TO YOUR KIDNEYS?

YOUR KIDNEYS! YOUR KIDNEYS!

MY POOR KIDNEYS!
MY FREAKING KIDNEYS!

MY POOR
FREAKING KIDNEYS!

[SOBBING]

MY FREAKING, SCARRED,
BRUISED KIDNEYS!

[SOFT JAZZ PLAYING]

THAT IS VERY SWEET OF YOU.

BUT YOU KNOW
I CAN'T ACCEPT IT.

COME ON. I CAN'T EVEN
GIVE YOU A LITTLE GIFT?

CHARLES, WE'VE BEEN OVER THIS.
I DON'T NEED ANY PRESENTS.

I HAVE TOO MUCH STUFF
AS IT IS.

OK.

YOU WIN.

YOU ALWAYS WIN.

SO? I'M WAITING FOR MY CROSS-
EXAMINATION ABOUT LAST NIGHT.

CROSS-EXAMINE? ME?
I WOULD NEVER DO THAT.

YOU'RE COMPLETELY COOL
WITH ME GOING OUT ON MY OWN?

HONESTLY?

NO, BUT I'M
WORKING ON IT.

GREAT. I'M VERY
PROUD OF YOU.

YOU KNOW, I MET SOMEONE
INTERESTING LAST NIGHT.

ACTUALLY, YOU KNOW HIM.
OSCAR NOVAK.

YOU'RE KIDDING.
YOU MET OSCAR?

THAT IS A COINCIDENCE.

YEAH.

HE'S A REALLY GOOD GUY.

VERY.

HE AND HIS PARTNER BOTH HAVE
A GREAT AESTHETIC SENSE.

GUESS MOST OF THEM DO.

MOST?

GAY MEN.

YOU DID KNOW HE WAS GAY?

[LAUGHS] YEAH.

SURE. YEAH.

NOT THAT I CARE.

DOESN'T BOTHER ME.

RIGHT. WHO CARES?

YOU KNOW,
THE OTHER NIGHT

I ALMOST STARTED
HAVING A CRUSH ON YOU?

ISN'T THAT FUNNY?

HMM.

SOMETHING ABOUT LATE NIGHTS
AND THUNDERSTORMS.

I HOPE THAT'S OK WITH YOU.

YEAH. IT'S--YEAH.

[BLOWS]

OSCAR, IF YOU AND I ARE
GOING TO KEEP HANGING OUT,

THERE'S SOMETHING
I HAVE TO TELL YOU.

WHAT?

COME OVER HERE.

REMEMBER THE OTHER NIGHT WHEN
YOU MENTIONED CHARLES NEWMAN

AND I SAID THAT I KNEW HIM?

YEAH?

EXCUSE ME?
BLOW.

HELP ME BLOW.
EXCUSE ME?

KEEP YOUR MOUTH
ON THE OPENING.

WELL, THE TRUTH
IS ACTUALLY THAT...

CHARLES AND I
ARE INVOLVED.

WE'RE HAVING AN AFFAIR.

OH.

YEAH, ISN'T THAT WEIRD?

YOU SHOW UP AT MY SHOW,
WE GET TO KNOW EACH OTHER,

AND I'M INVOLVED
WITH YOUR BOSS?

THAT'S SO WEIRD.

I KNOW.

BY THE WAY, HOW DID YOU
FIND OUT ABOUT MY SHOW?

I READ--READ IT
IN THE NEWSPAPER

AND SAID, "GLASSBLOWING
SOUNDS REALLY COOL,"

AND I DIDN'T HAVE
ANYTHING BETTER TO DO.

HA! MAN,
YOU ARE A BAD LIAR.

YOU CANNOT LIE.

[CRACKLING AND HISSING]

I'M A LITTLE SLOW, OSCAR,
BUT I FIGURED IT OUT.

YOU WERE SPYING ON ME.

LISTEN, I'M SORRY.
I'M SO SORRY.

I REALLY SHOULD
HAVE TOLD YOU.

YOU HAVE TO UNDERSTAND.

OUR ENTIRE CAREERS
ARE IN HIS HANDS.

AND THEN I MET YOU...

AND YOU MADE
3 SOUNDS AT ONCE...

AND I JUST REALLY WANTED
TO GET TO KNOW YOU.

OK.

JUST DON'T EVER
LIE TO ME AGAIN.

OK.

COME ON, IT'S THE GREAT
THING ABOUT BEING FRIENDS

WITH A MISTRESS--
I'M FREE MOST EVENINGS.

WHAT DO YOU SAY?

OH, UH, TONIGHT? WOW.

IF YOU DON'T COME OVER,
I'LL TELL CHARLES

YOU WENT ABSOLUTELY CRAZY
AND MADE A PASS AT ME.

I COULD REALLY GET YOU
IN TROUBLE, OSCAR.

OH, I'VE GOT
TO TAKE A SHOWER.

YEAH,
I WAS GONNA SAY.

HA!

YOU KNOW, I GET
THIS FEELING AROUND YOU?

I DON'T KNOW WHY.

LIKE WE'VE KNOWN EACH OTHER
A REALLY LONG TIME.

OR IN ANOTHER LIFE
OR SOMETHING.

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

YEAH.

NO.

WHAT WAS
THE QUESTION?

ARE YOU ALWAYS
THIS NERVOUS?

YEAH.

LET'S HAVE DINNER
AND CELEBRATE.GREAT.

AFTER ALL, IT'S NOT EVERY DAY
I GET TO HANG OUT WITH A SPY.

THERE'S A CD IN THERE.
HIT PLAY.

OK.

I'LL SEE YOU
IN A MINUTE.

GO AHEAD.

RIGHT.

[SHOWER RUNNING]

[TANGO MUSIC PLAYING]

I'M BATMAN.

[GLASS BREAKS]

Amy:
* ...BLOODED *

* CHECK IT AND SEE *

* GOT A FEVER OF 103 *

* COME ON, BABY, DO YOU
DO MORE THAN DANCE? *

* HOT BLOODED *

* I'M HOT BLOODED *

* OW! *

* KNOW WHAT I HAVE
IN MIND *

* AND YOU OUGHT TO KNOW *

* I'M HOT *

OH, SHIT.

[TURNS OFF SHOWER]

OW.

[TURNS UP MUSIC]

OK, I'M READY.

WHERE'S MY CHAMPAGNE?

RIGHT HERE.

A TOAST TO...

UH...

WHAT SHOULD WE TOAST TO?

UH, TO...

WHAT, YOU DON'T CALL ANYMORE?
YOU JUST SHOW UP?

YEAH.

HI.

WOW.

CHAMPAGNE, MUSIC,

AMY IN A KIMONO.

I SWEAR,
IF YOU WEREN'T GAY, OSCAR...

I'D HAVE TO KILL YOU.

GAY?

I'M NOT GAY.
I--I DIDN'T--GAY?

[LAUGHS]

OH, OSCAR, COME ON.
WE DON'T CARE.

ABSOLUTELY.
WHAT PEOPLE DO

IN THE PRIVACY
OF THEIR OWN BEDROOMS

IS NO CONCERN TO US,
RIGHT?

RIGHT.

HEY, HOW ARE YOU?

I JUST LOVE
JAPANESE KIMONOS.

I KNOW.

AAH!

AAH!

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

HI.

THANK GOD YOU'RE HERE.
I NEED TO--

BOY, YOU GUYS THROW
A LOT OF DINNER PARTIES.

I'M GAY.
IT'S WHAT WE DO.

REALLY?

THAT AND SHOP
FOR SMALL DOGS.

CAN I HELP YOU
WITH SOMETHING?

I NEED TO TALK
WITH YOU PRIVATELY.

I NEED TO TALK
WITH HIM PRIVATELY.

WE'RE GOING TO TALK
PRIVATELY.

ANYONE WANT CAPPUCCINOS?

[LOUD BUBBLING]

THEY THINK I'M GAY.

WHAT?

THEY THINK I'M GAY.

COME AGAIN?

EVERYBODY THINKS...

[BUBBLING STOPS]
I'M GAY!

I WIN THE POOL.

[APPLAUSE]

COME AGAIN?

AMY AND CHARLES

THINK I'M GAY.

OH, NO.
OH, YES.

YOU'RE GAY.

I'M GAY.

WE'RE GAY.

HMM.Peter:
GOOD GOD.

I KNOW.

I MEAN, HOW CAN THEY
THINK THAT? ME, GAY?

I MEAN, IT'S JUST
SO--SO EMBARRASSING

AND--AND--AND
MORTIFYING AND...

HUMILIATING.

HUMILIATING.
YES.

I MEAN, I DON'T GET IT.
I DON'T SEE IT.

I'M JUST A REGULAR,
NORMAL...

INSENSITIVE ASSHOLE.

BUT, COME ON, YOU KNOW
WHAT I MEAN, RIGHT?

OH, SURE.

I KNOW THAT WHEN YOU SAY
THAT YOU'RE HUMILIATED,

WHAT YOU ACTUALLY MEAN IS
YOU'RE PROUD AND UNASHAMED.

NO, NO, IT'S NOT THAT.
IT'S JUST--

BEING GAY IS NOT NORMAL?

YOU KNOW I DON'T
THINK THAT, OK?

I HAVE NO PROBLEM
WITH PEOPLE BEING GAY.

IN FACT, I'M ALL
FOR HOMOSEXUALITY,

ESPECIALLY WHEN IT HAPPENS
BETWEEN 2 GORGEOUS WOMEN--

OR 3--
BUT I'M NOT GAY.

LOOK, I'M SORRY. I DIDN'T
MEAN WHAT I SAID BEFORE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M TRYING TO DECIDE

IF I SHOULD RECOVER
GRACEFULLY FROM YOUR INSULTS

OR KNEECAP YOU.

YES. I'M INSENSITIVE
AND--AND CALLOUS.

WELL, YOU'RE
STUPID AND YOUNG.

YES.

YES, STUPID AND YOUNG,

BUT THAT DOESN'T
CHANGE THE FACT

THAT WE ARE
IN DEEP SHIT HERE, OK?

SO WHAT ARE WE
GOING TO DO?

WE? I DON'T REALLY SEE

THERE'S ANYTHING IN
PARTICULAR FOR ME TO DO.

WE HAVE TO DO
SOMETHING.WHY?

BECAUSE EVERYBODY
THINKS I'M GAY.

I DON'T.
YOU DON'T?

WHO CARES?

YOU'RE ENJOYING THIS.

NOW, YOUNG OSKIE,

I TOLD YOU WHEN YOU WANTED
TO GO SPY ON THAT GIRL

SOMETHING BAD MIGHT HAPPEN.
YOU DIDN'T LISTEN,

SO THE REALITY IS--
NO.

YES. THE REALITY IS,
YOU MADE YOUR BIG GAY BED,

AND MUST NOW SLUMBER
GAILY IN IT.

BUT I--I DON'T WANT TO.

SWEET DREAMS.

HEY, I'LL SEE YOU AT
THE NEXT DINNER PARTY.

POOR GUY.

IT'S SO HARD WHEN
YOU FIRST COME OUT.

OHH!

* IT'S THE MADDEST KIND
OF LOVE *

* IT'S A MAD, MAD LOVE *

* OOH, YEAH *

[HIGH-PITCHED]
AAH!

[LOW-PITCHED]
AAH!

AAH!

YOU WANT A BEER?
I'M GOING TO GRAB A BEER.

Zack: THERE HE IS.
THERE'S THE GUY.

GO, BUDDY. YOU GOT
TO RUN WITH THAT.

COME ON, BABY.

COME ON, PONDEROSA.

YOU GOT TO RUN.

All: UHH!

AW!
AW!

SO, HOW'D THE SPY OPERATION
GO THE OTHER NIGHT?

UH, IT'S JUST A LITTLE--
A LITTLE COMPLICATED.

HE DID HER.
SCORE.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.
YOU GOT LUCKY?

AW...

IS SHE STACKED?

SHE'S REALLY STACKED,
ISN'T SHE?

OH, MY GOD.
DID SHE TIE YOU UP?

SHE'S A DOMINATRIX,
ISN'T SHE?

HA! YOU LITTLE PIGGY.

YOU GOT IT ON WITH A HOT,
BIG-BREASTED DOMINATRIX, HUH?

YOU TELL ME.

[LAUGHS]

AM I THE ONLY ONE
WHO'S LISTENING?

NOTHING HAPPENED
WITH AMY.

AND, ANYWAY, I, UM...

I'VE BEEN MEANING
TO TELL YOU GUYS

THAT, YOU KNOW, AHEM...

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO
SEE ME WITH ANY WOMEN

FOR A WHILE.

YOU KNOW, I JUST
KIND OF DECIDED TO...

JUST SWEAR OFF GIRLS
FOR A WHILE--

I DON'T KNOW, JUST
A LITTLE BIT OF TIME.

[DOORBELL BUZZES]

Oscar: AMY.

CAN I MOVE IN?

I PUT MOST OF MY STUFF
IN STORAGE.

THIS IS JUST WHAT I NEED.

I NEED MY CLOTHES,
MY SKETCH BOOKS,

MY TOOLS.

SO, YOU'RE AMY.

NICE TO MEET YOU.

HI.

OSCAR TOLD US
ABOUT THE OTHER NIGHT.

HE DID?

THAT IS SO EMBARRASSING
AFTER WHAT I DID TO HIM.

ARE YOUR BALLS OK,
OR ARE THEY STILL SORE?

WE SHOULDOK.
GET GOING.TIME TO GO.

CIAO.
OK.

I'M OUT.
OK.

TOOLS.

OK.

Zack: HUH.

I AM IMPRESSED.

Rick:
YOU LIKE THAT?

Bill:
PRETTY DELISH, HUH?

ARE THEY ALL GAY?

WHOA!

YES.

DAMN.

THE LITTLE ONE
WAS KIND OF CUTE.

YEAH, WELL, HE'S NOT
EXACTLY MY TYPE.

LET ME ASK YOU--

HEY, HOW'S KEVIN
DOING TONIGHT?

HE SCORE YET?

OH, HE'S KICKING ASS.

REALLY?
YOU LIKE HIM?

ARE YOU KIDDING?
I WORSHIP THE GUY.

SO, UH...

ARE YOU OK?

YOU KNOW, THIS PLACE
IS AWESOME--

DRAFTY, BUT AWESOME.

TUNA FISH.

VERY BRAVE.

ACTUALLY, I BROUGHT THAT
JUST FOR YOU.

OH, THANKS.

[LAUGHS]

I BROUGHT THAT
FOR YOU, TOO.

IT'LL FIT YOU PERFECTLY.

IS THIS YOU?
DON'T.

HA HA HA HA!
WERE YOU IN A BAND?

THOSE ARE MY FRIENDS
IN HIGH SCHOOL.

OK, BUT YOU ARE AWARE
OF WHAT YOU LOOK LIKE

IN THIS PICTURE, RIGHT?

IT'S NOT MY FAULT.
IT WAS THE EIGHTIES.

THEY MADE YOU
LOOK LIKE THAT.

YOU DIDN'T LOOK LIKE
A DORK IN THE EIGHTIES?

HEY, I GOT THROUGH
THE EIGHTIES DORK-FREE.

RIGHT, AND YOU'RE
MAKING UP FOR IT NOW.

UH-OH.
HA HA. HA HA.

[SIGHS]

YOU KNOW, I APPRECIATE
THIS, OSCAR,

ESPECIALLY SINCE YOU AND I
HAVEN'T KNOWN EACH OTHER LONG.

IT'S JUST THAT I HAVE BEEN
DODGING MY LANDLORD

FOR A WHILE, AND
HE FINALLY NABBED ME,

AND I DIDN'T KNOW
WHAT TO DO, AND...

SEE, THE THING IS,
I HAVE A LOT OF FRIENDS.

I JUST DON'T HAVE
A LOT OF FRIENDS,

YOU KNOW?

TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH,
I DIDN'T REALLY HAVE

ANYWHERE ELSE TO GO.

YOU CAME
TO THE RIGHT PLACE.

[SIGHS]

FANTASTIC PLACE.

GRIMY, RAW--

I LIKE IT.

HI, CHARLES.

I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND ME
STOPPING BY LIKE THIS.

AMY TOLD ME
SHE'D BE HERE.

NO, NO, NO.
CONSIDER THIS...

NO.

LET'S GO.

I GOT YOU A ROOM
AT THE FOUR SEASONS--

NO. THAT'S OK.

OSCAR HAS KINDLY AGREED
TO TAKE ME IN.

UH, CHARLES, AMY CAN
STAY HERE WITH ME.

IT'S OK.

LIKE I SAID, A SAINT.

OK, YOU WIN.

YOU ALWAYS WIN.

HOW'S THE PROJECT?

GREAT.

[SIGHS]

SO...

YEAH. I'M GOING
TO HEAD HOME NOW.

I MEAN, I'M GOING
TO HEAD UP THERE TO....

I'M GOING TO BED.

YEAH.
ARE YOU SURE?

BE ASLEEP AS SOON AS
MY HEAD HITS THE PILLOW.

THIS PLACE
IS SUCH A DUMP.

I FEEL LIKE I'M GOING
TO CATCH SOMETHING.

SHUT UP, CHUCK.

[AMY AND CHARLES
CHATTERING]

[GLASS CLATTERS]

[BOTH LAUGH]

SHIT.

SHIT, SHIT, SHIT.

SHIT.

[OBJECTS CLATTER]

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING]

* WHO'S TO BLAME? *

* IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT *

* THEY DON'T REMEMBER
YOUR NAME *

[AMY AND CHARLES
LAUGH]

[RADIO CHANGING STATIONS]

DJ: HEY, ALL RIGHT,
IT'S 7:07, CHICAGO.

WAKE UP!
YEAH, YOU, DIMWIT.

YOU IDIOT, YOU MORON,
YOU A-HOLE.

GO TO YOUR CRAPPY JOB NOW.

GO PUT ON
YOUR CRUSTY UNDERWEAR

AND YOUR BLUE COLLAR SHIRT.

[STATIC]

[GLASS BREAKS]

[HEAVY BREATHING]

HEY.
HEY.

DOES HE KNOW THAT
HE'S UPSIDE-DOWN?

[BREATHING STOPS]

YOGA.

YOGA.
RIGHT, YOGA.

THE NEW TYCOON SPENT
THE NIGHT ON YOUR COUCH.

I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND.

NO, NO.
YEAH, NO.

[BREATHES RHYTHMICALLY]

DO YOU WANT SOME COFFEE?

SHH!

I'LL JUST GET YOU
A NICE CUP OF DECAF.

HAVE YOU BOYS BOTH
FINISHED YOUR HOMEWORK?

CUTE.

DON'T FIGHT WITH
THE OTHER KIDS ON THE BUS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING
TONIGHT?

GOING OUT
WITH SOME FRIENDS.

GREAT.
SOUNDS LIKE FUN.

MM-HMM.

CIAO.

CIAO.

WHAT ARE YOU
DOING TONIGHT?

GOING OUT WITH HER FRIENDS.

GREAT.
SOUNDS LIKE FUN.

[HONKS HORN]

[RINGS BELL]

AND WHAT ABOUT WORKING
FOR MR. CHARLES NEWMAN?

IS HE EVERYTHING
HE'S REPUTED TO BE?

OH, EVERYTHING AND MORE.

MORE.

I UNDERSTAND YOU'RE
AN OPENLY GAY FIRM.

DO YOU FEEL THIS
WILL HAVE ANY IMPACT

ON THE COMPETITION,

PETER?

WE JUST TRY
AND DO OUR JOBS.

OSCAR?

I DON'T THINK
IT'S IMPORTANT

WHAT OTHER PEOPLE
THINK OF US PERSONALLY.

YES, BUT DON'T YOU FEEL

THAT YOU HAVE
A CERTAIN RESPONSIBILITY

AS A GAY PROFESSIONAL?

NO.

IF WE'RE TALENTED, WE SHOULDN'T
HAVE TO BACK THAT UP

BY PRETENDING TO BE
SOMETHING WE'RE NOT.

PEOPLE HAVE TO UNDERSTAND
THAT WE ARE INDIVIDUALS.

WHO CARES IF WE'RE
GAY OR STRAIGHT?

WHY CAN'T PEOPLE JUST
ACCEPT US FOR WHO WE ARE?

YOU DO KNOW
YOU'RE NOT GAY, RIGHT?

[MUSIC PLAYING]

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I THINK YOU'VE BEEN
WORKING TOO HARD.

YOU NEED TO RELAX.

I HAVE A SURPRISE
FOR YOU.

FOR ME?

MM-HMM...

AND THERE HE IS.

THAT'S KEVIN CARTWRIGHT.

YOU TWO HAVE MET
BEFORE, RIGHT?

OH, YEAH.

REMEMBER
THE MIAMI GAME, '93?

180 YARDS--
UNBELIEVABLE.

WELL, ACTUALLY,
IT WAS, LIKE, 150,

BUT WHO CARES ABOUT
A COUPLE YARDS, YOU KNOW?

YOU'RE THE MAN.
[LAUGHS]

THAT'S KEVIN CARTWRIGHT

RIGHT HERE.

DIDN'T YOU--YOU BROKE
YOUR HAND, RIGHT?

NO, NO, NO,
I SPRAINED MY HAND.

WHAT'S UP, MAN?

AND THEN YOU GAINED
ANOTHER 50 YARDS.

THAT'S 230 YARDS
IN A GAME, MY MAN.

MMM, I DON'T KNOW
ABOUT THAT.

YOU KNOW WHAT'S AMAZING?
BASEBALL PLAYER,

IF HE STUBS HIS TOE,

HE'S ON THE DISABLED
LIST FOR, LIKE, 9 YEARS.

I DON'T EVEN KNOW
ANY BASEBALL PLAYERS.

HEY!

I'D LOVE TO STAY AND TALK,

BUT I'M BORED
OUT OF MY MIND.

NO.
BEHAVE YOURSELVES.

OK.
I LOVE THAT GIRL.

THAT'S A GOOD GIRL.

LISTEN, YOU'RE NOT GOING
TO YELL MY NAME OUT

NO MORE, ARE YOU?

OH, NO, NO,
I'M FINISHED.

AH, COOL. SO, YOU WANT
TO GET ANOTHER ROUND?

ABSOLUTELY.
ALL RIGHT.

THAT'S KEVIN CARTWRIGHT
RIGHT THERE.

[LAUGHS]

7 SECONDS LEFT.

20 YARDS FOR A SCORE.

WAITING ON PLAY
FOR THE SET.

SET! HUT, HUT!

AND HE'S GOT
SOME RUNNING ROOM.

* BOP, BIM, BOW *

HIKE!

HA HA HA!
HEY!

[BOTH LAUGHING]

OH...

OSCAR.

KEVIN.

OSCAR, I GOT
TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.

I'M VERY ATTRACTED TO YOU.

AND THAT'S
A FOOTBALL TERM FOR...

I'M VERY ATTRACTED TO YOU.

EVIDENTLY.

HEY, YOU KNOW WHAT?
I CAN'T BREATHE.

OH.
YEAH.

THERE WE GO.

OH, SEE, I TOLD AMY

HOW I FELT
WHEN WE FIRST MET.

THAT'S WHY SHE SET
THIS WHOLE THING UP.

OH, HOW VERY NICE
OF HER.

LOOK, I'M
A LITTLE NEW AT THIS.

I ONLY REALIZED I WAS GAY
A COUPLE YEARS AGO,

AFTER AMY AND I BROKE UP.

I MEAN, IF YOU CAN'T
FALL IN LOVE WITH HER,

YOU MUST BE GAY, RIGHT?

[LAUGHS]

YEAH, WELL...

LOOK, I ONLY LIVE
A COUPLE BLOCKS FROM HERE.

DO YOU WANT TO COME BY
FOR ANOTHER DRINK?

OH, THAT'S
VERY FLATTERING.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT?
THE--

THE TRUTH IS, I'M--I'M
IN LOVE WITH SOMEBODY ELSE.

OH.

YEAH. I MEAN, I THINK
YOU'RE REALLY GREAT,

BUT I'M KIND OF HEAD
OVER HEELS, YOU KNOW?

I'M--I'M SORRY.

IF--IF AMY HAD JUST
TOLD ME, I WOULD'VE--

YEAH, WELL, ACTUALLY,
THIS PERSON

IS COMPLETELY INVOLVED
WITH SOMEBODY ELSE,

SO THERE'S NO HOPE.

BUT I--I JUST...

CAN'T HELP THE WAY
THAT I FEEL, YOU KNOW?

POOR GUY.

THAT'S AWFUL.

OH, HEY, YEAH.
THANKS.

[SIGHS]

KEVIN.

KEVIN?

KEV?

[DOOR CLOSES]

I DID NOT...

ASK YOU...

TO DO THAT.

Amy: YOU DON'T HAVE TO YELL
THROUGH THE DOOR, OSCAR.

ARE YOU DECENT?

YES.

LISTEN, OSCAR, I MEANT WELL.
I JUST KNEW YOU WERE LONELY.

YEAH, OK.

JUST...

DON'T EVER DO THAT
TO ME AGAIN.

OK.

I'M SORRY.

OK.

CAN YOU DO ME A FAVOR AND
NOT TELL ANYONE ABOUT KEVIN?

HE'S STILL TRYING TO FIGURE
THINGS OUT FOR HIMSELF.

BELIEVE ME,
MUM IS THE WORD.

THE WORD IS MUM.

COME IN.

SO, WHAT IS IT?
HE'S NOT YOUR TYPE?

HE--HE HAS, UM...

UH, NO.

NO. I--I PREFER
TO DATE PEOPLE

WHO ARE A LITTLE...

A LITTLE MORE...

I DON'T KNOW.NOT SO BIG
AND TALL?

EXACTLY.

WHAT ARE YOUR THOUGHTS
ON PENIS SIZE?

DO YOU KNOW, UM...

I HAVEN'T EXACTLY

ORGANIZED MY THOUGHTS
ON THAT YET.

JUST BETWEEN YOU AND ME,

WHEN I WAS DATING KEVIN,
WE HAD A REAL PROBLEM.

HE HAS THIS GIANT THING.

NO KIDDING.

I WAS SURPRISED WHEN
KEVIN TOLD ME HE WAS GAY.

GUESS YOU CAN'T ALWAYS TELL.

CAN YOU PASS ME THE RAZOR?

UH, YEAH.

I'M GOING TO GO.

ACTUALLY, I HAD
A LESBIAN EXPERIENCE ONCE.

REALLY?
MM-HMM.

YOU DID?

YEAH.
IT WAS IN COLLEGE.

THERE WAS
THIS BRAZILIAN GIRL

IN MY INTRO
PHILOSOPHY CLASS.

AND, UH...

ONE NIGHT,
WE WERE STUDYING,

AND WE WERE
SITTING ON HER BED,

AND HER HAIR ACCIDENTALLY
BRUSHED MY HAND.

AND ALL OF THE SUDDEN,
I NOTICED

HOW AMAZING SHE LOOKED--

OLIVE SKIN AND THESE
INCREDIBLE BEE-STUNG LIPS

AND THESE BEAUTIFUL...

WELL, YOU KNOW
HOW IT IS IN COLLEGE.

WE EXPERIMENTED.

YEAH.
YOU HAD A...

WELL, GOOD FOR YOU, I SAY.

I'M--I'M SAYING
GOOD FOR YOU.

YOU KNOW, I COULD NEVER TELL
A STRAIGHT GUY THAT.

HE WOULD START ASKING
REALLY CREEPY QUESTIONS,

TRYING TO WEASEL OUT
DETAILS.

AW, THAT'S WEIRD.
THAT IS SICK...

AND--AND WEIRD.

MEN HAVE THESE STUPID

PENTHOUSE,
SPICE CHANNEL FANTASIES

ABOUT 2 WOMEN TOGETHER,

WITH GARTER BELTS
AND PUSH-UP BRAS

AND HIGH HEELS.

THAT'S JUST NOT
HOW IT HAPPENS.

WELL, OF COURSE NOT.

WHAT HAPPENS IS...

IT WAS JUST DIFFERENT.

SHE WAS PASSIONATE
AND SENSITIVE.

WOW, LISTEN TO ME.

THIS MUST BE
SO BORING FOR YOU.

NO.

NO. I MEAN, IT'S NOT--
IT'S NOT THAT BORING.

WELL, WE DID DO ONE THING

THAT WAS KIND OF LIKE
THOSE STUPID MALE FANTASIES.

YOU DID?

YEAH.
IT WAS REALLY...

OH, I CAN'T EVEN SAY IT.

OH, SURE--SURE, YOU CAN.

WE'RE JUST A COUPLE OF
GIRLFRIENDS HERE.

OK.

OK, COME HERE.
I'LL WHISPER IT IN YOUR EAR.

OK.

[WHISPERING]

[LAUGHING]

HAND ME MY TOWEL,
WOULD YA?

OK. SURE.

TURN AROUND.

OK.

MAN, IT'S HOT IN HERE.

DJ: ALL RIGHT, CHICAGO,

I GOTTA GET SOMETHING
OFF MY CHEST HERE.

I DON'T CARE ABOUT
YOUR SEXUAL ORIENTATION.

I DON'T CARE
IF YOU'RE IN THE CLOSET,

OUT OF THE CLOSET,
IN A DUNGEON,

DOWN A MINE SHAFT,
ON A BROOMSTICK.

I DON'T CARE!
JUST PLEASE, DO YOUR JOB.

WHO IS THIS WHINY BASTARD

ON THE FRONT PAGE
OF THE BUSINESS SECTION?

DID YOU SEE HIM?
OSCAR NOVAK.

HE IS A COMPLAINING,
COMPLAINING, COMPLAINING MORON.

EVEN IF I WAS A MINCING,
LIMP-WRISTED GAY,

I WOULDN'T TELL
THE WHOLE CITY ABOUT IT.

WHAT ARE YOU--

AAH!
[GROANS]

OH, MY GOD!
THIS IS SO EXCITING.

TALK ABOUT
GREAT PUBLICITY.

GOOD HAIR, TOO.

Michael Dees: * WELL, I THINK
I'M GOIN' OUT OF MY HEAD *

Bill: PUSH UP, PUSH UP,
PUSH UP, PUSH UP.

GOOD, GOOD.

* YES, I THINK I'M
GOIN' OUT OF MY HEAD *

* OVER YOU *

* OVER YOU *

UHH!
[GAGGING]

HE WAS DEFINITELY
STRAIGHT BEFORE, RIGHT?

YEAH, WELL,
HE AND PETER

DO SPEND A LOT
OF TIME TOGETHER.

MR. NEWMAN.

* DON'T EVEN KNOW
THAT I EXIST *

MM-MMM.

[GRUNTS]

DO WE HAVE
ANY NEWCOMERS TODAY?

HI. I'M ZACK.

AND I'M...

GAY?

Man: HI, ZACK.

NO. I'M NOT...

* GOIN' OUT OF MY HEAD *

* OVER YOU *

* OUT OF MY HEAD *

* OVER YOU *

* OUT OF MY HEAD *

* DAY AND NIGHT *

* NIGHT AND DAY AND NIGHT *

WHAT?

AAH! OW! OW!

AH HA HA HA HA HA!

* INTO YOUR HEART *

* THERE'S NO REASON WHY *

* MY BEIN' SHY *

* SHOULD KEEP US APART *

* GOIN' OUT OF MY HEAD *

* OVER YOU *

* OUT OF MY HEAD *

* OVER YOU *

* OUT OF MY HEAD *

* DAY AND NIGHT *

* NIGHT AND DAY AND NIGHT *

* WRONG OR RIGHT *

* I WANT YOU *

* TO WANT ME *

* I NEED YOU SO BADLY *

* I CAN'T THINK
OF ANYTHING BUT YOU *

THOUGHT WE...

KINDA HAD
A MOMENT THERE.

OH. OH, US.

NO, NO. NO,
WE DIDN'T HAVE A MOMENT.

NO, I WAS THERE.
NO MOMENT.

HA.

HEY, YOU WORK OUT,
DON'T YOU?

EXCUSE ME?

WELL, YOU LOOK
EVEN BETTER IN PERSON

THAN YOU DO
IN THE PAPER.

YOU'RE IN GREAT SHAPE.

HEY, WELL, THANKS, THANKS.

* GOIN' OUT OF MY HEAD
OVER YOU *

* OUT OF MY HEAD *

* OVER YOU *

* OUT OF MY HEAD *

* DAY AND NIGHT *

* NIGHT AND DAY AND NIGHT *

* WRONG OR RIGHT *

[RINGS BELL]

* WRONG OR RIGHT *

Announcer:
CLARKSON BACK TO PASS...

AND HE HITS WILLHIDE
UP THE MIDDLE.

HE BREAKS THE TACKLE,
STUMBLES INTO THE 20...

YES!

YES! YES! YES!

FOR THE LAST TIME...

I'M NOT GAY.

NO.

WE KNOW.

YEAH, OK, BUT YOU
DON'T BELIEVE ME.

NO, WE DO. WE DO.

YOU KNOW WHAT?
THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

I'VE KNOWN YOU GUYS
MY ENTIRE LIFE.

WHAT WOULD MAKE YOU THINK
THAT I'M GAY NOW?

THE WALL TREATMENTS.

THE HORS D'OEUVRES.

YEAH, AND...
ALL THE, UH...

GAY THINGS.

ALL RIGHT, WHAT IS THE PROBLEM
WITH WALL TREATMENTS, OK?

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA
HOW DIFFICULT IT IS

TO DECIDE BETWEEN SPONGING,
GLAZING, AND SPACKLING?

NEVER MIND.

NO, IT'S OK.

SOME PEOPLE MIGHT THINK
YOU'RE A FREAK...

BUT NOT ME.

I PERSONALLY KNEW
YOU WERE GAY ALL ALONG.

I'M JUST GLAD YOU
FINALLY FIGURED IT OUT

FOR YOURSELF.

YOU REMEMBER WHEN WE
WENT SKIING TOGETHER,

AND THEN WE WENT TO
THE HOT TUB AFTERWARDS,

AND YOU SORT OF BRUSHED UP
AGAINST ME, AND...

YOU DIDN'T SAY ANYTHING,
YOU JUST SORT OF...

LOOKED AT ME KIND OF FUNNY?

WERE YOU TRYING TO
HIT ON ME, MAN?

OK, YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU'RE RIGHT.

I'M GAY.
I'VE ALWAYS BEEN GAY.

ALL THESE YEARS OF
FRIENDSHIP AND FOOTBALL

AND ME CHASING
AFTER GIRLS--A RUSE,

A CLEVER LITTLE TRICK
JUST TO GET ALL OF YOU INTO BED.

THAT'S RIGHT.
I WANT ALL OF YOU.

ZACK, WITH YOUR LILTING
LITTLE LAUGH.

BILL, YOUR FARTS,

THEY'RE LIKE PERFUME TO ME.

AND, RICK...

YOU REALLY
FIGURED ME OUT, MAN.

I WANT YOU MOST OF ALL.

OH, MY GOD.

OHH!

AAH!
AAH!

MOM, YOU'RE NOT LISTENING.

I'M NOT GAY.

YOU DON'T HAVE
TO LIE, SON.

I'M NOT LYING.

LOOK, I JUST HAVE TO PRETEND
TO BE GAY FOR WORK.

I KNOW IT SOUNDS CRAZY.

NO, NO, YOU DID
A BRAVE THING,

AND I THINK
IT'S WONDERFUL.

DAD MUST BE GOING NUTS.

NO. NO, YOUR FATHER FEELS
EXACTLY THE SAME WAY.

WELL,
PUT HIM ON THE PHONE.

NO. NO, HE CAN'T
COME TO THE PHONE

RIGHT NOW,
SWEETHEART.

HE'S, UH, HE'S BUSY.

ALL THE MONEY
I SPENT ON THAT KID!

I COULD KILL HIM!

I'M NEVER GONNA
HAVE SEX AGAIN.

OH, COME ON, OSCAR.
OF COURSE YOU WILL.

JUST MAYBE NOT
WITH A WOMAN.

[TALKING AND LAUGHING]

HI!
HI!

[GIGGLING]

HEY, HONEY! HI!

HI! MMM!

YOU WANT TO COME
HANG OUT WITH US?

NO. YOU WOULDN'T
BELIEVE THE DAY I HAD.

LISTEN, UM,
I MADE YOU SOMETHING.

OPEN IT UP.

OH, GOD.

I'M SO PROUD OF YOU.

OH, DON'T BE.

NO. IT WAS--
THAT WAS NOTHING.

NO, THAT'S NOT TRUE.

YOU'RE PROUD OF WHO YOU ARE.
NOT EVERYONE'S LIKE THAT.

COME ON. HANG OUT WITH US.

OH, NO, NO. I'M NOT--
I DON'T WANT TO.

WE HAVE MARGARITAS.

EWW!
GROSS!

THE BEST IS, "I'M NOT GONNA
USE A LINE ON YOU, BABY."

UGH, THE ANTI-LINE LINE.
I HATE THAT.

YEAH, THAT IS A STUPID ONE.

SO, IS IT
THE SAME FOR YOU?

DO YOU GET THE SAME KIND
OF COME-ONS AS US?

OH, UH, WELL, SOMETIMES.

LIKE THE OTHER DAY...

I WAS ON THE BUS AND THIS GUY
COMES UP TO ME AND SAYS,

"DO YOU WORK OUT?"

EWW!
UGH!

THE OLD WORKOUT LINE.

DOES ANYONE FALL FOR THAT?

YEAH.

SHUT UP!

AND THEN, YOU KNOW,
HE'S STARING,

I MEAN, STARING AT MY BUTT.

SO I TURN AROUND,
AND THEN, OF COURSE,

MY CROTCH IS RIGHT
IN HIS FACE.

OH, PLEASE!

SO I TURN AROUND AGAIN
AND THEN THERE'S BUTT.

SO IT'S KIND OF LIKE,
BUTT, CROTCH, BUTT, CROTCH,

BUTT, BUTT,
CROTCH, CROTCH!

AND I'M THINKING,
"HEY, PAL, I'M A PERSON.

I'M NOT AN OBJECT."

ABSOLUTELY.
YEAH.

I HAVE FEELINGS.

IT DOESN'T MATTER
THAT THE GUY WAS RIGHT.

I HAPPEN TO HAVE
A FINELY-TONED,

PICTURE-PERFECT,
AWARD-WINNING ASS!

MWAH!

THERE'S MORE TO ME
THAN THAT.

THAT'S RIGHT, OSCAR!
NOT A PIECE OF MEAT!

WHATEVER HAPPENED
TO SUBTLETY?

WHAT HAPPENED
TO TAKING THE TIME

TO GET TO KNOW
SOMEBODY FIRST?

YEAH!
HA HA HA!

IF ALL MEN WERE GAY, IT
WOULD BE ABSOLUTELY PERFECT.

HA HA HA!

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH.

YOU'VE CHANGED
MY WHOLE LIFE.

I WANT TO MAKE
YOU HAPPY.

IT'S THE ONLY THING
THAT MATTERS TO BE.

I'VE GOT SOMETHING
TO TELL YOU, TOO.

I'M GOING
TO GET MARRIED.

YOU KNOW, THERE'S
THIS THING I'VE NOTICED.

IN THE MOVIES, WHENEVERE
A GUY ASKS A GIRL OUT,

SHE ALWAYS SAYS,
"I'D LIKE THAT."

I'VE NEVER HEARD ANYONE
SAY THAT IN REAL LIFE EVER.

YOU KNOW WHAT THE MOST
SPOKEN LINE IN MOVIES IS?

WHAT?

"LET'S GET OUT OF HERE."

HUH. IT MAKES SENSE.

IT WORKS FOR A LOT
OF SITUATIONS.

"THEY'RE SHOOTING AT US.
LET'S GET OUTTA HERE."

"ALIENS HAVE LANDED.
LET'S GET OUTTA HERE."

"I WANT TO MAKE MAD,
PASSIONATE LOVE TO YOU.

LET'S GET OUTTA HERE."

THOSE ARE ALL GOOD.
ESPECIALLY THAT LAST ONE.

[SQUEAKS]

UM, WHAT WAS THAT?

I WAS YAWNING.

OK.

OK. YOU'RE TIRED.
I'M GONNA LET YOU SLEEP.

NO, STAY?

SURE.

YEAH.

JUST TILL THE END
OF THE MOVIE.

TV: WILL YOU MARRY ME?

WILL YOU?

DO YOU THINK
WE'D BE HAPPY?

NO. BUT WHAT
DOES IT MATTER?

[ORCHESTRA PLAYING
TANGO MUSIC]

[LAUGHTER]

ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFULLY-
LOCATED SEASON TICKETS,

AND I'VE LOVE YOU
TO BE MY GUEST--

VERY EXCITED.

VERY, VERY EXCITED.

GREAT PARTY.
THANKS.

VERY EXCITED TO SEE
YOUR MODEL. VERY EXCITED.

WELL, WE JUST HOPE
THAT YOU LIKE IT.

THERE REALLY ARE

SOME VERY NICE-LOOKING
WOMEN HERE TONIGHT.

WHAT'S YOUR TYPE?

TYPE OF WHAT?

IT'S FUNNY.
WHEN I FIRST MET YOU GUYS,

I THOUGHT YOU WERE SUPER-GAY
AND OSCAR WAS STRAIGHT.

I WAS SUPER-GAY?

HE CLEARED IT UP
FOR ME, THOUGH.

HE DID?

HE TOLD ME YOU'RE NOT,
BUT HE IS, 100%.

HO HO HO!
THAT OSKIE.

THAT ARTICLE MUST MAKE IT
HARD FOR YOU TO MEET GIRLS.

I DO OK.

OH, THANKS, MOM,
AND THANK YOU FOR COMING.

DAD, BAR'S RIGHT OVER THERE.

HI.
HI.

SORRY.
[GIGGLES]

OH, I AM SO EXCITED
FOR YOU.

OH, THANKS. THANKS.

I'M SORRY I STOLE
THE BLANKETS LAST NIGHT.

YOU STOLE THE BLANKETS.

YOU HOGGED THE COUCH.
IT WASN'T PRETTY.

AT LEAST YOU GOT
THE LEFT SIDE.

Female announcer:
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

THE DECKER AND STRAUSS MODEL
IS OPEN FOR VIEWING.

[GULPS]

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,

THE STEINBERG AND NOVAK
MODEL IS OPEN FOR VIEWING.

IT'S SO BEAUTIFUL.

MR. STEINBERG,
THIS WAY, PLEASE.

RIGHT HERE,
MR. NOVAK.

OK, GUYS...
THAT'S ENOUGH.

George:
SORRY TO INTERRUPT.

WE'RE WITH
THE CHICAGO CHAPTER

OF THE NATIONAL
ASSOCIATION

OF GAY AND LESBIAN
PROFESSIONALS.

WE HAVE SELECTED YOU

AS CHICAGO'S
"GAY MAN OF THE YEAR."

CONGRATULATIONS, OSCAR.

THE CEREMONY IS THIS FRIDAY.

WE'D LIKE YOU TO GIVE
A SHORT SPEECH.

SOMETHING LIKE WHAT
YOU SAID IN THE PAPER.

SO, WHAT DO YOU SAY?
DO YOU ACCEPT?

OF COURSE HE ACCEPTS.

I HAVEN'T DONE ANYTHING
OR ANYONE TO DESERVE THIS.

CAN'T THINK OF ANYBODY
WHO DESERVES IT MORE.

GREAT.
WE'LL BE IN TOUCH.

CONGRATULATIONS
AGAIN.

THIS IS GREAT.
IT'S PERFECT.

FIRST OF ALL,
I'VE ALREADY DECIDED

YOU TWO HAVE THE JOB.

OSCAR GIVES HIS SPEECH,

I CORNER THE PRESS AND
TELL THEM RIGHT THERE

THAT MY SUPER-GAY MAN OF
THE YEAR AND HIS PARTNER

HAVE BOTH WON.
IT'S PERFECT.

THEN WE HAVE
A PRESS CONFERENCE--

WOULD SOMEONE TELL ME
WHAT AMY IS DOING

TALKING TO MY WIFE?

THAT'S YOUR WIFE?

LET'S GO.

HI!

DARLING.

HI.

WHAT A SURPRISE.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

CONCERT GOT CANCELED.

YOU KNOW HOW TEMPERAMENTAL
CELLISTS ARE,

AND I'VE ALWAYS HAD
AN INTEREST IN THIS PROJECT,

SO HERE I AM.

DARLING, I'D LIKE
TO INTRODUCE

OSCAR NOVAK
AND PETER STEINBERG.

CONGRATULATIONS.

YOUR DESIGN IS SUPERB.

WE WERE JUST DISCUSSING IT.

OH, I'M SORRY.

THIS IS
MY GIRLFRIEND AMY,

AND, AMY, THIS IS
MY BOSS CHARLES.

I'M SORRY.
AREN'T YOU GAY?

EXCUSE ME?

DIDN'T I READ IN THE PAPER
THAT YOU WERE GAY?

WELL, YES, I AM.

SOMETIMES. I--

OSCAR IS OMNISEXUAL.

HE SWINGS...
EVERY WHICH WAY.

UH, IF YOU'LL EXCUSE ME.

SHOULDN'T, UH,
YOU GO AFTER HER?

SAY SOMETHING.

THAT WASN'T SO BAD.

IT WASN'T?

NO. I KNEW IT MIGHT HAPPEN
EVENTUALLY AND IT DID.

LOOK AT ME.
I'M STILL STANDING.

GOOD. YEAH.

I THINK YOU'RE HANDLING
THIS LIKE A REAL CHAMP.

UH-HUH.

WHERE ARE WE GOING?

TO GET REALLY...
REALLY DRUNK.

OK.

* ONE LAST SLOW BLUES *

* TO CLOSE THE SHOW *

* I WATCHED YOU
DANCE WITH HER... *

THING IS, SHE SEEMED
SO NICE, YOU KNOW?

SO PLEASANT AND CHARMING.

DIDN'T YOU THINK
SHE WAS CHARMING?

I--I DIDN'T--

MAYBE SHE DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE
THAT ANYTHING WAS WEIRD.

MAYBE SHE DIDN'T
NOTICE THAT--

CHARLES DID A GOOD JOB
COVERING, RIGHT?

YEAH. YEAH.

RIGHT.
SO IT'S PROBABLY FINE.

I'LL JUST PRETEND
IT NEVER HAPPENED.

YEAH.

IT'S OK.

I FEEL MUCH BETTER NOW.

LET'S DANCE.

OH, UM, WE SHOULDN'T--

I'M NOT--
COME ON.

OOH, WE'RE GONNA DANCE.

* COULDN'T YOU WAIT TILL
THOSE HEALING HANDS OF TIME *

* SQUEEZED THE PAIN,
THE PAIN *

* FROM MY HEART *

OSCAR...

HAVE YOU EVER KISSED
A WOMAN BEFORE?

* COULDN'T YOU WAIT TILL *

* MY BRUISED
AND BATTERED HEART *

* TILL IT AIN'T *

* TILL IT AIN'T TORN APART *

PERFECT.
THAT IS JUST PERFECT.

THAT WOULD BE JUST LIKE ME
TO GO AND FALL IN LOVE WITH YOU.

I HAVE TRIED EVERY KIND
OF UNAVAILABLE MAN.

A GAY GUY WOULD REALLY
ROUND OUT MY COLLECTION.

MAN, WHAT WAS I DOING?
I'M LOSING MY MIND.

YOU'RE NOT.

YOU HAVE BEEN SO GOOD TO ME
AND WHAT DO I DO?

I TRY TO KISS YOU!

I AM SO SORRY.

DON'T BE SORRY.

IT'S JUST THAT SOMETIMES
YOU AND I SEEM SO...

I DON'T KNOW.

MAN, I'M SUCH A FUCKING MESS

YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M JUST BEING DRAMATIC.

I'M TIRED.
I'M GOING TO BE FINE.

LET'S GO.

YEAH, WELL,
YOU CERTAINLY LOOK FINE.

LISTEN, AMY, I BOUGHT
THIS TOUGH GIRL ROUTINE

FOR ABOUT 5 SECONDS.

WHAT?

LOOK AT YOU.
THIS IS KILLING YOU.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING
WITH HIM?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING
ABOUT? IT WORKS!

IT WORKS.

YEAH, IT WORKS.

WHERE IS THIS GOING?

AT LEAST HE'S STRAIGHT,
FOR CHRISSAKES!

OH, THAT'S--THAT'S
REALLY GREAT.

I GET WHAT I NEED FROM HIM.

YEAH? WELL,
SO DOES HIS WIFE.

OH.

GIVE ME ONE GOOD REASON
YOU'RE WITH HIM.

JUST ONE GOOD REASON.

OK. IN A YEAR AND A HALF,
WE HAVEN'T HAD A SINGLE FIGHT.

HE DOESN'T CARE ABOUT YOU
ENOUGH TO FIGHT WITH YOU.

GOD, I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M GETTING
GRILLED BY YOU OF ALL PEOPLE.

YOU HAVEN'T HAD A DATE
SINCE I MET YOU.

YOU DON'T KNOW A SINGLE THING
ABOUT RELATIONSHIPS.

YOU JUST SIT AROUND WITH ME
AND PLAY IT SAFE!

YEAH? WELL,
I DON'T KNOW ABOUT YOU,

BUT I'M GETTING A LITTLE BIT
TIRED OF PLAYING IT SAFE.

SO WHAT ARE YOU
WAITING FOR?

YOU KNOW, WHAT I HAVE WITH
CHARLES MAY NOT BE PERFECT,

BUT WHAT I HAVE
WITH YOU IS WHAT?

WHAT?

[CLUNK]

[VOMITING]

[BARKING]

MR. NOVAK--SIR?

SHE HASN'T COME HOME,
SHE HASN'T CALLED, SO...

I WAS JUST THINKING MAYBE
YOU KNOW WHERE SHE IS.

DO YOU KNOW WHERE SHE IS?

I'M VERY DISAPPOINTED
IN YOU, OSCAR.

EXCUSE ME?

YOU WERE SUPPOSED
TO WATCH OUT FOR HER.

YOU WERE SUPPOSED
TO PROTECT HER.

HEY, LOOK, I TRIED.
I WENT AFTER HER.

I TRIED TALKING TO HER,
BUT SHE WAS REALLY UPSET.

SHE HAS BEEN GONE
FOR 2 DAYS.

SHE COULD BE ANYWHERE.

HOW COULD YOU LET
THIS HAPPEN?

HOW COULD YOU LET HER
GET HURT?

THAT'S A VERY GOOD QUESTION.

YOU MIGHT WANT TO TRY
THAT ON YOURSELF.

BECAUSE I KNOW YOU WOULD
NEVER TAKE THAT TONE

WITH A PERSON
WHO JUST GRANTED YOU

A $90-MILLION JOB.

I'M GOING TO PRETEND YOU
DIDN'T SAY THAT TO ME.

I HOPE I DON'T HAVE
TO EMBARRASS YOU, OSCAR,

BY REMINDING YOU THAT
NO FRIENDSHIP CAN COMPARE

TO WHAT AMY AND I HAVE.

DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?

YES.

PERFECTLY.

THANK YOU.

[APPLAUSE]

Sandy: WE'D LIKE TO GET
THIS CEREMONY STARTED

BY SAYING A FEW WORDS
ABOUT OUR ORGANIZATION.

THIS IS OUR NINTH YEAR,

AND WE'VE COME A LONG
WAY IN RECOGNIZING...

OSKIE!

ARE YOU OK?
READY TO GO?

YEAH. FINE. GOT MY SPEECH
ALL WRITTEN ON CARDS.

YOU SURE DO.

I THINK I CAN HANDLE THIS.

IT'S JUST--JUST A BUNCH
OF PEOPLE, RIGHT?

GIVING YOU AN AWARD.

HOW COULD THAT BE BAD?

EXACTLY.

PLUS, ONCE THIS IS DONE,
WE CAN START ON THE PROJECT.

YOU'RE RIGHT.
YOU'RE RIGHT.

AND I HAVE TO SAY, OSKIE,

I AM SO PROUD YOU'VE
EVOLVED THIS MATURE ATTITUDE

THAT YOU'VE EVOLVED--

THANK YOU.

BECAUSE, UH, I FIGURE
IF I CAN'T HAVE AMY, THEN...

IT WON'T BE SO BAD. I CAN
PRETEND TO BE GAY FOR A WHILE.

I MEAN...YOU LIKE
BEING GAY, RIGHT?

WORKS VERY WELL FOR ME.

IT WON'T BE SO BAD. I CAN
SNEAK OFF TO STRAIGHT BARS,

HAVE ANONYMOUS SEX
WITH STRAIGHT WOMEN.

THAT'S WHY GIVING
THIS SPEECH IS FINE.

IT IS MORE THAN FINE.
IT IS VERY...FINE.

OSCAR...

OSCAR, ABOUT AMY...

YOU KNOW THERE ARE
OTHER FISH IN THE SEA.

I USED--USED
TO THINK THAT.

BUT WHAT IF YOU
FIND THE FISH?

YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU'RE RIGHT.

PLENTY OF FISH.
YOU'RE PROBABLY RIGHT.

YES. I'M RIGHT.
PROBABLY.

I THINK SO.

Sandy: IT GIVES US
GREAT PLEASURE

TO INTRODUCE OUR
GAY PROFESSIONAL...

I GOTTA GO.

KICK SOME ASS,
YOU HEAR ME?

SAY IT WITH ME.

KICK SOME ASS.
KICK SOME ASS.

OK. KICK SOME ASS.

KICK SOME ASS.

[APPLAUSE]

THANK--THANK YOU.

THANK YOU FOR INVITING ME
HERE THIS EVENING.

THESE LAST FEW WEEKS
HAVE BEEN VERY EXCITING.

[CLEARS THROAT]

PETER AND I HAD THE OPPORTUNITY
TO WORK ON A PROJECT

THAT HAS BECOME
A DREAM COME TRUE.

UM, THIS AWARD IS AN HONOR.

AN HONOR WHICH
I ACCEPT WITH--

YOU KNOW,
AWARDS ARE A FUNNY THING.

I WON AN AWARD ONCE.

I WAS IN SUMMER CAMP.
I WAS 7.

IT WAS A BUMPERPOOL TOURNAMENT,
AND I WON,

BUT IT WAS KIND OF
AN EMPTY VICTORY,

BECAUSE I CHEATED.

WHEN NOBODY WAS LOOKING,

I JUST SHOVED ALL THE BALLS
INTO THE POCKETS.

AND THE FUNNY THING IS

I FELT GUILTY ABOUT THAT
MY WHOLE LIFE.

WHAT'S THIS?

I GUESS WHAT
I'M TRYING TO SAY

IS THAT A LOT OF YOU KNOW WHAT
IT'S LIKE TO BE IN THE CLOSET,

SO YOU KNOW WHAT
IT'S LIKE TO HAVE A SECRET.

CONSTANTLY WORRYING
ABOUT SLIPPING UP.

HAVING TO HIDE YOUR
FEELINGS FROM THE PEOPLE

THAT ARE SUPPOSED
TO MEAN THE MOST TO YOU.

WHAT I ADMIRE ABOUT
ALL THE PEOPLE HERE TONIGHT

IS THAT YOU'RE NOT AFRAID TO BE
HONEST ABOUT WHO YOU ARE.

YOU'RE STRONG ENOUGH TO STAND UP
FOR THE SIMPLE DIGNITY

OF TELLING THE PEOPLE
THAT YOU LOVE...

HOW YOU FEEL.

NOW, I--I KNOW
A LITTLE BIT ABOUT THIS...

BECAUSE FOR
THE LAST 3 WEEKS...

I'VE HAD A SECRET.

AND I THINK IT'S TIME FOR ME
TO COME OUT OF THE CLOSET.

I'M NOT GAY.

[CROWD MURMURING]

AMY, I LOVE YOU.

I HAVEN'T BEEN HONEST
WITH YOU.

BUT I LOVE YOU.

I'VE NEVER FELT
THAT WAY ABOUT ANYONE.

AND I KNOW THAT...
JUST BY TELLING YOU THIS,

I MIGHT HAVE LOST
ANY CHANCE I EVER HAD

TO BE WITH YOU,

BUT I BELIEVE
YOU DESERVE...

THAT EVERYBODY HERE
DESERVES...

THAT KIND OF HONESTY.

THANK YOU.

DON'T WORRY.
I'M VERY PROUD OF YOU.

YOU BIG DRAMA QUEEN.
GO GET HER.

OSCAR, GET YOUR ASS
BACK HERE.

A MELEE ENSUED TODAY AT THE GAY
AND LESBIAN ASSOCIATION'S

ANNUAL AWARDS CEREMONY
AS THE GAY MAN OF THE YEAR

DECLARED HIS LOVE
FOR...A WOMAN.

AMY!

GET BACK HERE! AMY!

I THINK OSCAR AND AMY
NEED TO TALK, DON'T YOU?

Reporter: ONLOOKERS WERE
AMAZED AS THE ERSTWHILE

GAY MAN OF THE YEAR,
OSCAR NOVAK,

LEPT FROM THE STAGE AND PURSUED
THE WOMAN INTO THE LOBBY

WHERE CROWDS GATHERED
AWAITING HER RESPONSE.

CAN WE PLEASE
JUST TALK ABOUT THIS?

OOH!
HELLO!

AND IT WASN'T PRETTY.

Amy: YOU PROMISED ME YOU
WOULD NEVER LIE TO ME.

WE HAD A DEAL.

GET OUT OF MY WAY,
YOU BIG FREAK.

DON'T MAKE ME MAKE YOU
MY PRISON BITCH.

THE INCIDENT REACHED
A FEVER PITCH...

GREAT PUNCH, BABY.
NOW LET'S GO.

AS CHARLES NEWMAN, THE RENOWNED
INTERNATIONAL BUSINESSMAN

INCURRED THE WRATH
OF THE SAME UNIDENTIFIED WOMAN.

BEFORE POLICE COULD ARRIVE
ON THE SCENE,

THE ENRAGED, YET FASHIONABLY-
ATTIRED YOUNG WOMAN ESCAPED.

WOW. HOW ABOUT THAT?

Reporter: ...GAY MAN
OF THE YEAR IS NOT GAY.

OSCAR, ARE YOU OK?

YOU'RE FIRED.

YOU'LL NEVER WORK FOR ME
NOR FOR ANYONE I KNOW.

WHICH IS EVERYONE.

I DON'T CARE.

AND YOU KNOW WHY?

BECAUSE
I DON'T LIKE YOU.

FOUND HIM AND
HOUSEBROKE HIM.

EXCUSE ME.

THAT WAS A BRAVE THING
YOUR PARTNER DID.

UH, YES.

I HAVE TO SAY I'M VERY
PROUD OF THE LITTLE GUY.

I DON'T BELIEVE
WE'VE OFFICIALLY MET.

I'M KEVIN CARTWRIGHT.

YES, I KNOW.

I'VE HEARD
ALL ABOUT YOU.

OH, REALLY? LIKE WHAT?

OH, NOTHING
SPECIFIC REALLY.

WELL, IT'S ALL TRUE.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO GET
A DRINK OR SOMETHING?

I'D LOVE TO.

[HUMMING BONANZA THEME]

Duncan Sheik:
* THAT SAYS IT ALL *

* DOESN'T IT? *

* WE ALWAYS WANT *

* WHAT WE NEVER GET *

* WELL, LISTEN HERE,
MY FRIEND *

* I CAN'T
CONTINUE TO PRETEND *

* THAT IT'S ALL RIGHT *

* 'CAUSE THAT AIN'T RIGHT *

Amy: DON'T DO IT.

YES, BUT I...
DESERVE TO DIE.

NOT YET.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I THOUGHT
I'D FIND YOU HERE.

REALLY? OH, MY GOD,
AMY, I'M SO--

WOULD YOU SHUT UP?

OK.

I JUST HAVE A FEW THINGS
I WANT TO GET STRAIGHT.

IT'S JUST--
ME, TOO.

I'M GOING TO BE QUIET NOW.

SO...YOU LIED TO ME
TO PROTECT YOUR JOB.

YOU VIOLATED MY TRUST
AND FRIENDSHIP.

YOU TRICKED ME INTO
TELLING YOU INTIMATE THINGS

WHICH I NEVER
WOULD HAVE TOLD YOU.

I JUST WANT TO KNOW.
ARE YOU PROUD OF YOURSELF?

GO AHEAD.

NO.

WAS IT REALLY WORTH IT?

I JUST HAVE ONE THING
LEFT TO SAY TO YOU.

I GET THE LEFT SIDE
OF THE BED.

WELL, YOU KNOW,
WE'LL HAVE TO SEE ABOUT THAT.

HEY.
YEAH.

LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

YEAH, I'D LIKE THAT.

[LAUGHS]

SO I TAKE IT YOU HAVE
KISSED A WOMAN BEFORE?

NOT THE RIGHT ONE.

Reporter: OVERALL...

AN EVENING OF SHOCK
AND AMAZEMENT FOR EVERYONE

AS THE GAY MAN OF THE YEAR
ANNOUNCED...

I'M NOT GAY.

CHARLES.

ISN'T IT GOING TO BE
AWFULLY AWKWARD

WORKING WITH OSCAR
AFTER THAT FIASCO?

ACTUALLY, I WENT
WITH THE OTHER FIRM.

DON'T TELL ME YOU'RE GOING
TO DEPRIVE THEM OF A JOB

JUST BECAUSE HE'S IN LOVE
WITH YOUR MISTRESS.

OH, YOU'RE HURT.

I REALIZE THIS GIRL
WAS SPECIAL.

OLIVIA, I DON'T KNOW WHAT
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT.

I SIMPLY WENT WITH
THE OTHER FIRM.

CHARLES, OSCAR AND PETER
DID A BETTER JOB.

THEY WILL BUILD
THE CULTURAL CENTER.

OLIVIA--
ENOUGH!

THE DECISION'S BEEN MADE.

NOW, WHY DON'T
YOU GO PUT ON

THOSE RED BIKINI BRIEFS
THAT I GAVE YOU?

I LOVE THE WAY YOUR BUTT
LOOKS IN THEM.

OLIVIA, I REALLY
DON'T WANT TO.

CHARLES, WHAT HAPPENS
WHEN I'M UNHAPPY?

WHAT HAPPENS?

FINE.

BUT NOT THE RED ONES.

THEY BIND.

[SWING MUSIC PLAYING]

* I WANNA SWING *

* WITH THAT PUSSYCAT *

* I WANNA DANCE *

* WITH THAT PUSSYCAT *

* I WANNA SLIDE *

* WITH THAT PUSSYCAT *

* I WANNA JUMP *

* WITH THAT PUSSYCAT *

* I WANNA SWING *

* OH, KITTY, KITTY,
PLEASE COME HERE *

* DON'T HISS AND MOAN
WHEN I COME NEAR *

* DON'T BITE MY NECK,
DON'T SCRATCH MY EYES *

* I'LL TAKE AWAY
THOSE DOLL EYES *

* A MAN'S A MAN,
A RAT'S A RAT *

* SO SWING,
SWEET PUSSYCAT *

* SWING, SWING,
SWEET PUSSYCAT *

* SWING, SWING,
SWEET PUSSYCAT *

* SWING, SWING,
SWEET PUSSYCAT *

* SWING, SWING,
SWEET PUSSYCAT *

* SWING, SWING,
SWEET PUSSYCAT *

* SWING, SWING,
SWING, SWING *

* SWING *

* SWING,
SWEET PUSSYCAT *

* SWING, SWING,
SWEET PUSSYCAT *

* SWING, SWING,
SWEET PUSSYCAT *

* SWING, SWING,
SWEET PUSSYCAT *

* SWING, SWING,
SWEET PUSSYCAT *

* SWING! *

* MEOW *

* ALL NIGHT LONG *

Duncan Sheik: * HIT THE TOWN
STILL DRESSING DOWN *

* LOOKING FOR SOME ACTION *

* MR. JAGGER SAID IT BEST *

* HE KNOWS YOU'LL NEVER GET *

* NO SATISFACTION *

* THAT SAYS IT ALL *

* DOESN'T IT? *

* WE ALWAYS WANT *

* WHAT WE NEVER GET *

* WELL, LISTEN HERE,
MY FRIEND *

* I CAN'T CONTINUE
TO PRETEND *

* THAT IT'S ALL RIGHT *

* THAT AIN'T RIGHT *

CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
WARNER BROS.

CAPTIONED BY THE NATIONAL
CAPTIONING INSTITUTE
--www.ncicap.org--