Original subtitles

Warning, the following program contains scenes of graphic stupidity among four

lifelong friends who compete to embarrass each other.

Coming up, the guys force Q to give a little mouth-to-mouth.

There was a guy in here before and he had, like, herpes all over his thing.

Murr falls asleep on the job.

And Joe gets fresh in the produce section.

Do you mind when your melons are squeezed?

Plus, tonight's big loser goes belly up.

We're working as employees at Charlie's Nursery and Garden Center.

Do and say what the other guys tell us.

And if you refuse, you lose.

Oh, I can't wait to fertilize some young plants.

Hi, guys.

How are you?

What you looking for?

We were just looking at the mums.

We just got some incredible mums in in the back.

Run as fast as you can.

Run.

Come here.

Come here.

Follow.

I'll show you.

Come on this way.

They're right over here.

Just come over here.

You gotta see it.

Right around here.

They're right up there.

They're right there.

Come here.

This one.

This is it.

They're right here.

They're right here.

They're right here.

Keep going.

Run.

I can't find them.

How much are the mums that are on the hangers?

They range from $8.99 to the large ones can go up to $12.99.

Make them smell the mums.

Throw them right in their face.

Unbelievable.

Smell that.

All right.

Try this one.

Great, right?

Try that.

All right.

Try that, sir.

This one, for example.

That one is great, right?

And then, oh, this is the one I wanted to show you.

Smell that.

Oh, yeah.

Isn't that unbelievable?

It's great, right?

Yeah.

Isn't that unbelievable?

All right, cue.

You see this guy?

Interrogate him like he's a terrorist.

Should I actually just check this for a second?

You went with this bag, huh?

Uh, damn.

Why this bag?

Ask her for ID.

You got ID on you?

What do you think?

You're just coming to my yard and then grab my mulch?

You can't take another bag.

No, no, no.

You can't take another bag.

Don't let him have that mulch!

Go, go, go!

Give me that mulch!

Get him!

Stop him!

Give me this mulch!

So, the next person that comes in, I want you to act like a happy, magical sprite.

Welcome to my magical garden.

...

Skip away!

So, we're going to take this one up for you, and these two.

Okay.

I call this flower the panty dropper.

I call this flower the panty dropper.

Yeah, whenever I get it from someone, my panties drop.

Shout, I'm sorry ma'am, we don't sell marijuana plants!

I'm sorry ma'am, we do not sell marijuana here!

I have my own, I don't need yours.

What?

Whoa!

So, you got two of these?

Two Hays?

Joe, you have to carry both bales.

Make it like your job depends on it.

I'm trying to impress the boss I got, you know?

No, come on, don't get me in trouble, don't get me in trouble, don't get me in

trouble, don't get me in trouble, don't get me in trouble.

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I need this job!

I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it.

I got it, I got it, I got it, I got it.

Come on.

I got that for you, right?

Hey man, how's it going?

Good.

Working up the whole garden?

Hopefully.

Joe, ask him if his wife lets him plant a zucchini in her backyard.

Come on.

Say it or lose, buddy.

So does your wife...

maintain your garden?

You smell that?

Oh yeah.

I smell it too, it's a fertilizer.

It's your tournament just happened.

Joe rakes in a loss.

I was born with a green thumb.

I live in an apartment building in the city.

I can't have a garden proper.

I would love to have a basil plant in the apartment.

I can't have a garden proper.

Boy on D!

We're here at Sergimo's Italian Deli.

We're going to be behind the counter making delicious sandwiches for people.

Hang on to your meatballs, folks.

This is a joker versus joker challenge.

What this means is there are meats and cheeses in this bag.

Whoever draws the meat must compete.

Whoever draws the cheese does not have to compete.

Yeah!

Okay, Sal, you're up.

Hi, how are you?

Sal, rub yourself.

Did you have a salad?

Salads?

I eat salads too.

Can I get the tuna?

Tuna salad?

Keep doing it, just keep doing it.

It's so weird.

You work in the neighborhood?

Yeah.

Coming right out.

Buddy, the next person that comes in here and they

place their order, I want you to stare intently at them.

Hey, how you doing, bud?

Hey, guys.

Keep them eyes going, dude.

Oh,

here's a new girl right here.

Just stop putting meats in your clothing.

Okay.

Buddy, keep doing it.

What's that?

Take it out of your pants, put it on the roll.

Who wanted the super salad?

He's up.

All right, Sal, take a bite of that.

Oh, my God, there's no way he's doing this.

Just stop putting meats in your clothing.

Hey, just get that number one.

Take it out of your pants, put it on the roll.

Who wanted the super salad?

He's up.

All right, Sal, take a bite of that.

Take a bite of it.

Sal, take a bite of it.

Bite it.

Take a bite.

Eat it.

Oh, my God, there's no way he's doing this.

All right, Marge, you're counted, buddy.

He pulled his hands up with samples.

What do you want to try?

I'll give you a sample of something.

Here, how about... we'll try that.

There you go.

Hand him another huge thing.

Another quick sample.

Try that.

It's good, right?

Good, right?

It's delicious, right?

Okay, you can have that.

Have you been helped yet, sir?

Walk around.

Come out the door.

Close talk him now.

Get right up in his grill.

Tap him with the brumia hat.

I'm going to give you a free sample...

of this...

and this.

Okay.

Try to get your head on his chest.

You can try a piece of the prosciutto.

We have a great special today of the roasted peppers.

Which, if you like roasted peppers... Yeah, that's on my sandwich.

That's great.

Okay, great, so...

Okay, great.

Let me go get this for you, and I'll bring it right out, okay?

All right.

He's looking at his shirt.

I get two number 13s.

Just fall asleep taking the order.

Is that to stay or to sleep?

Uh, to go.

Is he okay?

Just hold it, hold it.

He's looking around.

He doesn't know what to do.

Burr, burr.

Stay asleep, stay asleep.

With no losses in the deli, Joe is in a real pickle.

Why don't you pick up the phone when I call you?

What are you talking about?

You never pick up the phone when I call you.

Because you don't usually have a lot to add to my life.

I know when you're together because as soon as I push Noah his number rings.

I'm like, I guess they have to tell me something.

We're at the grocery store doing market research on a brand new drink.

We're giving away free samples and asking a couple

of questions that we've written for each other.

And the questions will be a complete surprise to us.

These questions will have little or nothing to do with the drink.

Nothing to do with the drink.

I'm ready to go.

Hi, can I give you a free sample?

Would you like?

Did you like the cherry flavor or do you think...

It could have a little more sweetness to it.

Okay.

And have the...

I'd love to feel your mouth with my mouth.

Can we make this happen?

No.

No.

It's a natural sweetener.

Last question.

Last question.

Last question.

What the are you looking at?

Looking at your fruits.

Looking at the fruits, okay.

Free samples, folks?

Free samples?

Try it.

Quick question for you.

Men with large penises love this drink.

I, for one, hate it.

What do you think?

It's good.

It's good, great.

A little thirsty?

Free sample?

It's good.

And then the question is...

And the last question is...

Are you finished?

About the what?

A little thirsty?

Free sample?

It's good.

And then the question is...

And the last question is...

Are you finished?

About the what?

Are you finished with the drink?

All right, Joe, let's see what you got.

We're doing a taste test today.

Would you like to give a sip?

So let me just...

We...

We squeeze our melons for flavor.

Do you mind when your melons are squeezed?

No.

No?

And then what about with the drink?

Oh, man.

Free sample, a little sports drink action?

What did you think of that?

And, uh...

Did, uh... I can't tell.

Did this drink make your nips hard?

You know, your nips.

Okay.

So that's just because it's cold in here?

Okay, thank you very much.

And he's holding his...

He's holding his tits walking away.

He's warming his nips.

Murr sampled the bitter taste of failure, making it a

two-way tie for last as they head into the final challenge.

Why are your nipples always hard?

Look.

Like, even in warm weather, your nipples are hard?

Always.

I have two shirts on right now.

Why do you notice that his nipples are always hard?

Right now.

Today we get to make out with girls.

No, we don't.

Today we're teaching CPR.

Yeah, and we're gonna have the earpiece in.

We have to do and say what the other guys tell us.

This is the kind of girls Murray makes out with.

Yes.

Hi, I'm Brian.

Alex.

I'm your CPR instructor.

Michael.

I'm gonna teach you the ABCs of CPR.

Alright?

And at the end of this session... If you only remember one thing...

If you only remember one thing... Remember this.

Remember this.

Okay, you wanna try compressions?

Go ahead, get in there.

See how you do.

Right off the bat, I see you not being half as sensual as you need to be.

Right off the bat, I see, like, you're not being...

half as sensual as you need to be.

half as sensual as you need to be.

Have you guys ever taken any CPR stuff before?

No.

No?

Okay.

Lock your hands like this.

Now, go like this.

Q, tell him the last guy that touched the dummy's mouth had herpes.

I'm not gonna have you put your lips on this because there was a guy in here

before and he had, like, herpes all over his thing.

Now put your lips all over it.

Just like that.

Okay.

So the first thing you want to do is you want

to come over and ask them if they're choking.

Are you choking?

Yeah, let's face it.

Are you choking?

Are you choking?

Now before we administer CPR, everyone has a moment of truth.

Is this person too gross to save?

Is this person too gross to touch?

So, uh, Have you guys had any experience with CPR before?

Yes.

How so?

I just graduated from med school.

Oh crap, he's a doctor.

Check whether it's a boy or a girl.

Okay, first you want to come over and you want to check if it's a boy or a girl.

Remember, if she has a brassiere on, you might want to take off the brassiere.

Because the rule is, let them titties go before you start to blow.

Yeah, okay, so women wear brassieres that could be obstructing or constricting.

So the rule is, you want to let them titties go before you start to blow.

Let's all say it.

So let's say it together.

You want to let them titties go before you start to blow.

You're James.

Michelle, so nice to meet you.

Hi James, Paula.

Paula, so nice to meet you.

My gym teacher gave me CPR for the first time when I was 15.

My personal background is that I actually received CPR when I was a kid.

I was 15, my gym teacher gave me CPR.

Oh no.

Yeah.

Now that I think of it, I wasn't choking.

I wasn't choking, now that I think about it.

So, first things first.

Have a lean in.

Okay.

You're going to whisper to her.

Whatever you do.

Whatever you do.

Don't confuse the inferior vena cava.

Don't confuse the inferior vena cava.

With the pulmonary valves.

With the pulmonary valves.

Someone could die.

Someone could die.

Okay.

But what did I just tell you?

So what did I just tell you?

That's right.

Never want to confuse the vena cava.

Inferior vena cavas?

Yes.

You don't ever want to confuse the inferior vena cava with the pulmonary valves.

Or someone could die.

Or someone could die.

And what did I just tell you?

So what did I just tell you?

...in the... I'm getting it confused.

That's okay.

It's okay.

This is a dummy.

It's okay.

She's not dying.

I'm gonna do this one last time, Paula.

Don't confuse the inferior vena cava with the pulmonary valve, or someone could die.

So what did I just tell you?

Michelle, come over here.

Get in the middle of it.

Come in close.

Everybody hug each other.

Get right around that head.

Come on.

Okay.

Ready?

Don't confuse the inferior vena cava with the pulmonary valves, or someone could die.

What did I just tell you?

So have you ever done the Heimlich?

No.

Joe, just start making up medical terms.

So you want to come right under into the Nissan Maximus.

Push right here, right under the Regis Philbin, and you want to...

until something pops out.

Some people will do a problem, and they'll go right up top on the Nissan Altimus.

You want to get under to the Nissan Maximus.

Right here.

So not too low.

And a Nissan Sentris.

You want to get them right in the Pathfinder.

You're saving this person.

This is an emergency.

You come in, clear the area.

Are you breathing?

Stay away from the light!

You got to get them up.

You got so much to live for!

Come back to me, you son of a bitch Calrondy!

You stay away from the light!

Calrondy, get away from the light!

The way to get to the heart... ...is through my pants.

That's what you say?

The easiest way to get to the heart The only way to start is by making me dinner.

Joey lost!

Complete flat line!

Stay away from the line!

Clear!

That's enough.

It's good.

It's really good.

Honestly.

I can keep going another minute.

Joe joked at the CPR class.

And now he's in critical condition because he is tonight's big loser.

Joe's failure has brought him here to a Moroccan

lounge where there's tons of sexy belly dancers.

But tonight, there's about to be an extra special belly dancer.

Our best friend Joe.

Former best friend.

Joe, you gotta go upstairs and perform a belly dance

to a packed lounge in full belly dancing regalia.

Are they providing a belly or am I gonna have to use my own?

No, no, no.

You brought the belly.

This one's BYOB.

Ladies and gentlemen, the line.

This is ridiculous.

This is insane.

And now, the moment you've all been waiting for.

Please welcome, Joe!

Joe's failure has brought him here to a Moroccan

lounge where there's tons of sexy belly dancers.

But tonight, there's about to be an extra special belly dancer.

Our best friend Joe.

Yeah!

Ladies and gentlemen, this is ridiculous.

This is insane.

And now, the moment you've all been waiting for.

Please welcome, Joe!

Take the mask off!

Show your face!

Get into

it, you cheeky monkey!

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