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♪ Don't feel bad because

♪ The sun went down...

Woman: This is so nice.

Man: Hmm?

Woman: Us being together in the morning.

- Man: Oh. - Woman: Yeah, holding each other,

talking. Hmm.

[ chuckles ] If more married people did this,

there'd be fewer divorces.

Hey, don't you agree? Hmm?

Man: Yes, absolutely.

[ kiss ]

[ woman sighs ] I feel like I've known you for more than one night.

[ sighs ] Oh.

How long do you feel you've known me?

Man: I don't even think about it.

- [ woman laughs ] - [ kissing ]

♪ ...The moon is made of gold... ♪

Woman: Will I see you again?

Man: Oh, yeah. Oh, yeah, sure, yeah.

Last night-- I mean, last night was...

special, you know. It was really great.

- Woman: Mm-hmm. - But,

I don't know, I'm going through some real bad times.

- I get it. I get it. - What? What?

- I get it. - What?

We're just ships passing in the night, right?

Oh, no, no, no. No, no, not ships.

More like, you know, subway trains.

- Oh, come on. - Yeah, you know.

You know how the express always just kind of flies by the local

- at 34th Street, right? - Uh-huh.

I'm just the rundown old local

and you're just the express

just passing me by, Jean.

Jean? It's Jane.

- Jane-- that's what I said. - Jane.

That's what I said. I said "Jane." I was just testing you,

to see if you were paying attention. Come on.

- [ laughs ] Oh, yeah? - Oh, God.

You've got a beautiful neck.

Mm, you're so delicious.

Oh, God.

- Jane: Oh my God. - Oh, you like that?

- My husband. - What? Forget him.

- No, he's back. - What?

- He's right down there. - Whoa, whoa, whoa.

- Good morning, Tim. - Good morning, Bob. Nice to see you.

- Laura, you look great. - Thank you.

- How did it go? - Well, the dollar's soft against the yen,

but Paris is always good for food, if you've got your credit cards.

- I've got to get upstairs to see my better half. - You look great.

- 'Morning. - 'Morning.

[ car horns honking ]

- [ dogs barking ] - I'm-- I'm sorry. Excuse me.

[ dogs whining ]

Taxi! [ whistles ]

[ grunts ]

[ hums a tune ]

- Here, keep the change. - Thanks a lot.

[ hums a tune ]

Argh! Look at that! Look at that!

[ laughs ] Oh, that's good.

The camera-- let me get the camera.

Okay. Whoa. David.

David, wave to Dad later.

- Okay. - Okay, wave to Dad.

Come on, David, wave. [ laughs ]

- [ laughing ] - That's it. Happy Halloween.

[ chattering ]

[ man chuckling ] This is quite a stunt.

I mean, I'm in shock.

Jesus, this is classic.

Can you believe this?

She said that when she was driving through Safari Land,

a buffalo attacked her car.

Weaver.

Hey, hey, hey. [ whistles ]

Weaver.

What?

The claim of the month right here--

- a buffalo attack. - Oh.

[ distant siren wailing ]

What's wrong with you?

Nothing.

Maybe the flu. I don't know.

God, look at this mess.

It's gonna take me all weekend to catch up.

I thought you were going home for a wedding.

Yeah, well, I changed my mind.

Uh-huh.

Don't want to face her, huh?

Face who, Frank?

The ex.

Hey, look, after my divorce,

I avoided Judy for a year.

That's what guilt will do to you-- shrivel your balls.

Well, Nancy won't be in there. She avoids me, all right?

Anyway, what do I got to feel guilty about? She left me.

She took the kids and the furniture

and the three-quarters of our savings.

You know where she's living right now?

She's living in a beautiful country farmhouse out in Pennsylvania.

It's the one I bought right after my first year of pro ball.

Hey, look, there's no law that says

just because you're divorced you and Nancy have to hate each other.

Yeah, well, whatever.

Go to the wedding, huh?

And if Nancy shows up, dance with her

and hug her

and kiss her, because she did you a favor, man.

She set you free.

Single men live longer.

That's a fact. Look it up.

You're absolutely right, Frank.

I'm happier than I though I was.

Sure you are.

It started two days ago, just a spot in the ceiling.

Then last night I woke up at 3:00 in the morning,

soaking wet and covered with plaster.

Well, the pipes are old-- 60 or 70 years old.

We're lucky we didn't drown in our sleep.

- Hey, chill out, Sarah. - Put that in the car for me.

So how long is it gonna take to fix it?

Well, the new pipes, rewiring, replastering-- we're talking six weeks.

- Six weeks? - If we rush it.

That's impossible. Can't you make it two weeks?

I can only stay with my in-laws for two weeks.

- Six weeks. - How about three?

- Six. - Four?

Lady, this isn't a poker game.

- Thank you. - Yeah.

You gonna tell Dad?

Don't worry, he'll know when he gets the bill.

[ dog barking ]

- No, no. - What?

- The church. - To the church?

The flowers are supposed to be delivered to the church.

- Tomorrow-- the wedding's tomorrow. - Okay.

No, no, we don't need your help.

Mom and I can do everything ourselves,

- so, really, thanks for offering. - What?

- Excuse me. - Oh.

Are you gonna run away with me or what?

Oh, Sarah, are we gonna have to have this discussion again?

All right, let's think: what happens to little girls who run away?

Well, you've got prostitution and drug addiction.

I mean, don't you watch "21 Jump Street"?

I do, yeah.

Well, you don't want that to happen to me, do you?

So loan me 120 bucks.

Yeah, right, Sarah. Sure I'll loan you 120 bucks.

Sure, sure, right.

Well, that's what it costs to fly to New York.

What makes you think I have $120 anyway?

Why don't you call Dad and ask him?

Dad? Dad who?

You know, you think everything is Dad's fault.

Well, let me tell you something: you don't know shit.

[ imitating drumbeat ]

[ laughs ]

You having a good time there, Mom?

I think I just got carried away.

I mean, I can see it. It's the bedroom that time forgot.

Oh, it's like a shrine.

Just put it on the bed.

Hey, Mom, get a load of this.

Oh, that's when he played for the Bristol Braves.

Dad looks so young in that uniform.

He sure was.

Wait a minute, wasn't this the year of the famous no-hitter?

Yeah. I'll never forget it. It was the night before we got married.

- David. - Hmm?

Did I make a mistake moving us to Pennsylvania?

No, no, Ma.

You wanted to raise your kids

in clean air, with cows and trees

and shit like that. You did the right thing.

The Whipkeys will be here any minute.

Oh, good.

It's so funny: Karen and Doug have been engaged for so long,

and all of us haven't met.

[ chuckles ]

Karen said

that Doug's family was very proper.

The have one of the biggest farms in Ohio.

I'm a little nervous.

Aww. How's Karen holding up?

Oh, she's as happy as a bride can be.

Well, of course she has those nightmares every now and then.

- Oh, no. - Well, that's to be expected.

Didn't you have nightmares when you got married?

I had mine after I got married.

Oh, Ruth.

I'm sorry to be adding to your confusion.

No. Oh, I'm thrilled to have you here.

Aww.

And my baby.

We'll get your hair trimmed before the wedding.

Of course, now we don't have to tell Paul

that you're living here, not right away.

In a few years.

- I know. - Thank you.

- [ woman screams ] - Now what?

- Are you all right? - Are you okay, Karen?

- Not another one. - I can't close my eyes for five minutes

without dreaming about the wedding.

It's fine, just another dream, nothing serious.

- Call me if you need me. - Sure.

Were we all naked again?

Worse. This was at the reception.

We were waiting for the food.

But instead of the nice things we ordered,

like the macaroni salad or the Jell-o shaped like bells,

the catering ladies brought out this huge pig on a rotisserie.

It had a pineapple in its mouth.

And the catering ladies were all wearing grass skirts.

Oh, how awful.

And then when the bridal dance started,

if people came up to dance with me,

they turned into pigs one by one, just like that.

I looked around and the band members were all pigs,

Doug, his parents-- everyone.

Even Reverend Hopper was this pig

wearing this minister's collar.

Was I one too?

[ train horn blowing ]

[ game playing on TV ]

- Hello, Roxy. - Hi, Boomer.

- Hey. - How is it going, Charlie?

- Hiya, Boomer. - Hey, Jack.

Ruth called. She said to remind you

you had company coming and please...

- Please don't be late. She'd hate to start without me... - [ overlapping ]

...but she will if she has to.

- Right, yeah. What's the score? - 1-nothing.

- Chicago? - Yeah.

- What's he done? - Nothing.

- Eh, it's still early. They'll pull it out. - I hope so.

Everything's gonna be beautiful--

just beautiful.

Now pull yourself together.

The future in-laws will be here any minute.

Karen, do the Whipkeys know

about Paul and Nancy-- the divorce?

When you're planning to marry someone's son,

you don't discuss the divorces in your family.

Doug's parents are very conservative.

They probably think their son's marrying a virgin.

He is.

I don't want to hear you say that word again.

And there's only been one divorce in our family.

It's not as if we're depraved.

Speaking of depraved, Daddy is going to be home for lunch, isn't he?

Well, of course he is, dear.

Your father promised

he'd be on his best behavior this weekend.

I can't believe we spent 200 bucks on that gown.

Our entire wedding didn't cost 200 bucks--

a judge, two witnesses and a six-pack.

What do you have to go to this damn wedding for anyway?

I don't have to go to the wedding.

I want to go.

Why do you have to go away this weekend?

♪ Take the long way home ♪

♪ Take the long way home ♪

♪ There are times that you feel... ♪

- Look out! - [ car horn honks ]

[ tires screech ]

Hey, man.

Hey. You always drive with your eyes closed?

- I'm sorry. I've been on the road for 10 hours. - Asshole.

What did you say?

Watch my mouth move. I said "asshole."

Oh, that's sweet.

What are you looking at?

Nothing.

I just thought he looked familiar.

Yeah, a familiar asshole.

[ engine grinding ]

Oh.

Oh.

Look, Daddy.

You didn't see this. Isn't that sweet?

- Here we are. - Mm, yum.

I was thinking I might have made...

fish,

but it's so warm.

And, of course, not everybody likes fish.

Besides, it's not Friday.

[ both chuckle ]

And you can never go wrong with beef, can you?

That's very true, Ruth. Beef is dependable.

- What is it? - It's beef, Mother.

Miriam, pass me Mr. Whipkey's plate.

Oh, just call me Harold.

- Oh, Harold. - Miriam: There you are.

Isn't it nice we could all finally get together?

And we're really looking forward to meeting Karen's father too.

Well, I'm sure he'll be here any minute.

- Here you go, Doug. - Thanks.

My father sometimes gets distracted and forgets the time.

We've heard a lot about your father.

Miriam used to have a brother

that got distracted every night.

Sometimes he'd get so distracted,

we had to carry him to bed.

And what about your brother, Karen?

When do we meet him?

I spoke with him last night.

And I wish he could be here, but he can't.

He has too much work to do this weekend.

Too busy to come to your wedding?

Let's be perfectly honest:

my son had a slight heart attack.

And we're just worried that he might have

a little too much excitement this weekend.

- Harold: What a shame. - Miriam: I'm so sorry.

By the way, where are you folks staying?

A little place up on the highway

called the Hospitality Inn.

They call that the "No-Tell Motel."

This is my granddaughter Sarah. Say hello to the Whipkeys.

Hello, the Whipkeys.

[ guests chattering ]

Ow. Jeez. Ma, I'm sorry

to surprise you like this.

But I just changed-- Sarah.

Wha-- my--

how are you, sweetheart?

- Corn relish is so tart. - Sarah, who were you talking to in the kitchen, honey?

- Ta-dah! - Ruth: Paul!

- Ruth: Oh my goodness. - You said you weren't coming.

- You said you couldn't be here. - Oh, no. Congratulations, sis.

- About time, you mean. - Looks like he's recovered.

Ma, big surprise. Yeah!

That's the son-- the one with the heart.

Oh, God, this is great, seeing everybody

and of course seeing my beautiful daughter

visiting Grandma and Grandpa.

We're not visiting. We've moved in.

Sarah, we'll tell your daddy all about that later.

- Paul, this is Doug. - Hi, Paul.

Hi. Hi. How are you? Ma, is David here too?

We're all living here, Dad.

- What? - And these are Doug's parents.

- This is Mrs. Whipkey. - What do you mean? What about the farmhouse?

It's flooded. The pipes are all rotten. Everything's rotten.

Ma-- rotten? What do you--?

Rotten? What do you mean, rotten, Sarah?

Mom says you're paying for it.

Karen, let's clear the dishes.

- I'm not through. - No-- oh.

Ma, that house was in perfect shape. That was worth $90,000.

- Don't get all excited. - I'm not getting excited.

Did you meet the Whipkeys? This is Mrs. Whipkey.

A man in your condition shouldn't get so worked up.

- Harold Whipkey, father of the groom. - And Miriam.

- My wife Miriam. - My condition?

- Your heart condition. - I don't have a heart condition.

That's what my Willy used to say, and he went just like that.

[ snaps fingers ]

- [ objects rattling ] - Oh, dear.

- [ clock chiming ] - Damn it. 3-nothing.

$200,000 a year they pay these guys.

They can't hit the goddamn ball out of the goddamn infield.

You save some for me? [ laughing ]

Well, holy shit. Look who remembered he had a home.

Mr. Piece-of-the-Rock himself.

Hi there, Dad. Looks like you're having a great day.

You're goddamn right, I am.

I have an announcement to make.

Oh, Doug, I'm so sorry.

My announcement is, I've had a couple of drinks

and I feel a little playful. [ laughs ]

Oh, who are these lovely people?

These are the Whipkeys-- Doug's parents, dear.

Well, now I can see where he gets his good looks from.

Yeah, nice to meet you

and your lovely wife.

And I guess this must be Doug's little sister, huh?

- [ all chuckle ] - Boomer, please.

What? What?

I'm not gonna do anything to embarrass you, Ruth.

What kind of work do you do, Mr. Whipskey?

- Whipkey, sir. - Whipkey.

We've been raising pigs for three generations.

Well, that's kosher.

[ guffaws ]

I'm just having a little fun.

My sister's a lovely person. She's got nothing to do with this family.

In fact, I think she was adopted.

[ chuckles ]

Well, I don't suppose there's any point in asking what's new.

You could ask me how I am.

It's only been a year.

Okay.

How are you?

Fine, for somebody who's homeless.

- Here, let me-- - I got it, thanks.

I hear you flooded our farmhouse.

- Our farmhouse? - Yeah.

You'd better check with your lawyer. That house has a new owner.

Oh, well, then it seems to me that the new owner should be paying for the repair bills.

Not if the former owner's lied about the condition of the house.

- What? - Paul, I woke up in a giant Jacuzzi yesterday.

Every pipe in the house is rotten, and you're gonna pay for new ones.

Oh, maybe the plumbing is a little old, but that structure's good.

- The foundation's solid. - Maybe you'd like us to live in the foundation.

Oh, fine. Fine. Do whatever you want. Doesn't matter.

It's only my money, right?

[ exhales ]

Sorry.

An argument and an apology in 30 seconds.

That's typical for us, isn't it?

[ people chattering ]

How are the kids?

David likes it here. Sarah's--

well, she's a New York girl.

Did you get the papers?

Hmm?

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I did.

I guess it's official.

- Signed, sealed, delivered. - Yep.

Are you going out? Are you dating?

Now why would you ask me that?

Uh, just curious.

I meet people. I go out.

Great. Good.

Here it is. This is the one.

- Oh, let me see. - This is when I graduated from high school.

- Isn't she great? - Oh, look at that sweet face.

- I hope you like it. - It looks lovely.

- Thank you, Mr. Whipkey. - Oh, call me Harold.

Harold. Miriam.

The Greek guy says, "Do we have time?"

[ laughs ]

Oh, that joke's older than me.

How about this one? A fellow wanted to give his girlfriend...

- I'm listening. - Okay, look...

...a mink outfit, so he bought her two steel traps and a shotgun.

- It's my parents' house. - So?

- Oh, and this is my daughter-in-law. - Ex.

Oh, that's sweet.

You'll meet her later.

I drove 400 miles to be here, all right?

- So? - No, come on, listen.

- What are you doing? - Just-- just listen.

Look, if I could just spend a couple of nights

in this house, in my old bed.

Look, it's those papers.

Ever since they arrived, I just-- it hit me.

And I need some-- I need some time, that's all, you know,

I need a weekend. I need a night here.

Why don't--?

Hey, why don't I treat you and the kids to a motel?

What did you say?

- No, no, a Howard Johnson. - Oh, Paul.

A Ramada Inn-- you know, something really-- you know, with a pool.

Okay, fine, fine, fine.

Never mind! You know, I d--

you know, there's no law that says

we gotta hate each other just 'cause we're divorced.

Oh, Paul, I don't hate you because we're divorced.

I hate you because we were married.

Great.

Paul.

Ma, Ma, I shouldn't be here.

I--

come on.

Ma, Ma, Ma, I shouldn't be here. I made a mistake.

Are you eating okay? You want some Jell-o?

- Karen made these cookies. - No, no, no Jell-o.

Ma, Ma, Ma, how are you? Are you doing okay?

Oh, you can't imagine

how many problems there are in a wedding.

The caterer just called me to tell me

you can't have chicken and lasagna, and we were counting on that.

- Oh, well. - The bridesmaids' gowns all turned out

an inch and a half short. But it will all work out in the end.

- Everything always works out in the end, doesn't it? - No, it doesn't.

Oh, don't be silly. Of course it does.

As for sleeping arrangements,

I don't even have a sofa left.

- But there is an old-- - Ma, it's impossible.

No, no, there's an old air mattress I could blow up.

- Ma, I'm sorry, I can't stay here. - No, no, all you have to--

all you do is put the plastic thing in your mouth and blow. Paul?

Paul, you can take my bed.

I'll sleep in with Sarah.

Where is he?

Why is it taking so long? Maybe we should start walking.

Dad said to stay here.

Why do you always listen to your father instead of me?

Dad hits harder.

What happened? Mr. Charm leave you stranded?

Hi.

- Hi. You're still here, huh? - Yeah.

Well, we've been here about an hour,

an hour and a half. He went to get the tow truck.

Oh, that's too bad.

Is there anything I can do to help?

Where can I drop you off?

Um, the ball field, I guess.

- My game's not till 4:00. - You can warm up.

For three hours? Why don't we just go home?

I don't want to go ho--

you can drop us off at the ball field.

It's at the junior high. It's about a mile and a half up this road here.

Yeah, I know. I used to play there

- when I was younger. - Oh.

How's Coach Crane?

He's dead.

- Oh. - He had a stroke.

Oh, that's too bad.

[ sobbing ]

Well, you know, it's not that bad.

He was close to 75.

Oh, it's not the coach.

Believe me, it's not Coach Crane.

Um, I think there's a tissue or something, a napkin.

- Thank you. - Well, there's a roadmap.

Well...

Oh, I'm so embarrassed. This is--

Oh, no, don't be.

I must look awful.

No, no, you don't look awful, not at all.

[ laughing ]

What's so funny?

I was just wondering what my husband was gonna say

when he gets back to that truck.

[ tires screech ]

What's wrong? Do we have a flat tire? What-- why--?

Why do I do this?

What? Do what?

Excuse me.

Mom, this is how people disappear--

catching rides with the Roadside Strangler.

Why do I get into these things?

What is--? Oh, Jesus.

Oh, God.

Okay, all right, okay.

What are my options? I got a]

I can-- 10-hour-drive back to New York.

Oh, forget it. I can't.

What, b]

go back home. I can't go back home.

I can't face back home. c]...

Is everything okay?

Paul: Then what happened?

Susan: Well, about a year after we moved to Pennsylvania

Danny started taking house-painting jobs outside of work.

He'd be gone a week or two at a time.

He was traveling.

And then last summer it seemed like

the only work he could get was in Wheeling, West Virginia.

He kept going back there

week after week.

I started putting two and two together and I figured it out.

I mean, there has to be

a woman there.

I didn't say anything to Danny.

I kept telling myself, "It'll be over by September, October."

I mean, after all, he can't--

can't say he's painting houses in the winter, right?

Well, then what happened in the winter?

He took up wallpaper-hanging...

and then carpentry.

He started painting interiors,

woodwork, windowsills.

If it didn't move, he painted it.

Well, maybe he just likes the city.

You ever been to Wheeling?

I don't know, Van Gogh went to Tahiti to paint.

Look, I am not stupid.

I can tell when I'm with him.

You know what I mean--

with him.

Yeah, when you sleep with him.

This is getting uncomfortable.

Oh, no, not at all. I don't mind.

I meant for me.

Hey, you're letting go of it too soon.

You want to keep the ball down. You gotta keep your elbow up

and your fingers on top of the ball.

Who is that guy?

Some lunatic trying to pick up my mother.

I suppose I sound very unsophisticated to you.

Oh, God, no.

No, I wouldn't say that.

Are you married?

I'm divorced.

Were you ever unfaithful to your wife?

No.

Well, I mean, you know, it depends

on your definition of "unfaithful," you know, but...

Look, you know, sometimes

it's just easier to be with a stranger, that's all.

- And more exciting. - Yeah, it can be.

Why? Why is it more exciting?

[ chuckles ]

Because--

because you know that when it's over

you're not gonna fight about who's gonna take out the garbage.

[ chuckles ]

And you know that you're not gonna stop halfway through

because one of the kids is throwing up.

It's just you and a stranger

and nobody's keeping score.

Sometimes it's so good

that you don't even have to talk.

Haven't you ever had that experience?

Wow.

Not lately.

I don't want to talk about this anymore.

Wait a minute.

What a minute, Susan.

Was it something I said?

Come on, where are you going?

You're flirting with me, aren't you?

No. Of course not. Come on.

What would I want with a beautiful, charming, lonely woman?

Psst, hey, let's go to a motel.

Is that a joke?

[ sighs ]

The "beautiful, charming" part wasn't.

I'm not beautiful or charming.

Listen, I was headed back home before you stopped me.

So I don't have any plans this weekend. How about you?

I'm very busy. I'm a bridesmaid in a wedding,

and we're throwing Karen a bridal shower tonight, so--

Karen Weaver?

Right. How did you know?

Excuse me.

What's wrong, Paul?

Did I say something wrong?

- No, no, it's not-- no. - Well, where are we going?

No, not we, not we. Me-- I'm the one who's going.

Well, all right, where are you going?

That's a good que-- look, I got a lot on my mind today.

I'd just be better off alone, okay?

Oh, wait, my stuff.

What? Oh, sorry.

I'm sorry if I bored you with my problems.

- I really didn't mean to do that. - No, no, you're not boring.

Believe me, if you were boring, I wouldn't be leaving.

You really should stick around.

These little league games can get very exciting.

I can't. Gotta go. Bye. Bye. Bye. Bye.

- [ chuckles ] - See ya.

- Oh, oh, oh. - What?

My gown's in the door. Open it up. Open, open, open, open it.

Oh, Jeez, I'm sorry.

- Oh my God! - What?

Look, you ruined it. Look at this.

There's grease all over it.

I'll send you a check. How about that? [ starts engine ]

But the wedding is tomorrow. What am I gonna do?

Well, you'll have to figure it out.

I don't want to figure it out. You're the one who slammed the door on it.

- Make another-- make another one. - I can't make another one.

This is a bridesmaid's dress. They had it specially made for me.

- Let go of the car. - Danny is gonna kill me.

- Let go of the car. - He didn't even want me to be in the wedding.

- Please let go of the car. - How do you know Karen Weaver anyway?

God, Karen is my sister, all right?

Let go of the car. It's rented.

Paul, I--

You put this clamp on here like this.

And this clamp is connected over here to the battery.

And then the current comes all the way along here

and all the way around here and all the way up here.

So what you have to do is, you have to put it in the ground

very, very delicately, like that.

And then you jump. And then you get it in good,

getting it down as far as you can get it, right there.

Then all you have to do is turn the current on.

- [ buzzing ] - And then the current agitates the worms

and they all come to the surface. And that's how you catch your bait.

Couldn't you be electrocuting them?

Hell no. It's just--

it's just a battery current, that's all. It's very mild.

- Just touch it. Go ahead, feel it. - Okay.

- Argh! - Dad?

Harold! Harold, I said, "Touch it."

I didn't say, "Grab a hold of it like you're milking a cow."

I guess it got a little bit more current there than I thought.

You probably have a yard full of dead worms.

Well, they don't have very far to go to get buried.

[ guffaws ] Right, Harold?

[ pop song playing ]

Hey. What's up?

What's up? How much to wash my car?

I don't know. Um...

[ chuckles ] Did you just move here?

Yeah, yeah, but I'm from New York City.

- I'm impressed. - Yeah, well, it's fresh.

Well, you want to freshen up and tell us how you got here?

It's kind of a long story.

Why not?

Well, my parents got divorced

and so we decided to move to Pennsylvania.

- [ bat hits ball ] - [ fans cheering ] Go, go!

Woman: Run, run, run, run!

[ fans cheering ]

What's the score?

Uh, 44 to 39.

That sounds more like a basketball game.

Yeah.

How's the dress?

Well, I think it's time to shoot it and bury it.

So you sell insurance?

Yes. Yes, I do.

Did you know that every year

at least 50 people are fatally struck by lightning?

No. Really?

Really, yeah, cross my heart.

Imagine there's some poor jerk.

He's standing out on the golf course.

He's wondering whether his drive is gonna go to the right or to the left.

And all of a sudden-- bam! He's a French fry.

[ chuckles ]

Kind of makes you wonder about the point of it all.

Makes me wonder about playing golf in the rain.

What are you gonna do about Van Gogh?

Who?

The house painter.

Oh.

What shouldI do?

God, don't ask me. I'm not a marriage counselor.

But you're glad you're divorced, right?

Oh, sure, yeah. I'm having a good time.

Freedom's great-- do what I want when I want.

Well, freedom-- see, that's the important thing.

Freedom-- right. Right.

Did you know that single men live longer?

Oh.

It's a fact.

Do you want me to kiss you?

You're standing awfully close.

- Oh, am I? - Mm-hmm.

No, I was just-- I just wanted to get a good look at the game.

It's--

yes, sir.

It's a good one.

You know, I'm-- I'm married. It's--

Okay, are you-- are you married

or are you married married?

Is there a difference?

Why don't you ask Van Gogh?

Oh.

I guess I'm just married.

Good.

Mm, I can't. I can't. I can't.

I-- I--

I think we'd better get back to that game.

Oh, what game? Come on.

Oh, I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

- Forgive me. I don't-- I-- - No.

I-- oh.

Uh...

I'm losing my mind, that's all.

Susan: It's this one with all the animals right here,

this pickup truck right here.

- This is good right-- yeah. - Oh, okay.

Here, let me help you.

Well, it was

a pleasure to meet you.

Yeah. Good luck.

Well, thanks.

Um, good luck to you too.

- You're still here? - Oh, don't worry, I'm leaving.

I can see what's going on around here.

Well, Billy and I just needed a ride and he came along and--

Oh, that's fine, Susan, that's just fine.

Only I don't need to feel guilty anymore, do I?

Guilty about what?

Why should you feel guilty?

I mean, you're a house painter.

- You go to Wheeling to work. - That's right, I do.

Well, why should you feel guilty about that?

- Van Gogh went to Tahiti. - Van Gogh?

What the fuck are we talking about Van Gogh for?

- He was an artist. - I know that.

Well, some people talk about artists, you know.

Some people are interested in things besides bowling

and pickup trucks and professional wrestling.

When did you ever see me go bowling?

I'm not unsophisticated, you know.

[ laughing ]

Oh, you are great.

- Danny. - You are...

Danny, please don't go.

Please. Come-- Danny.

Would you like to buy a dog?

No, thanks. I haven't got any place to keep him.

You could give it to someone. It'd make a cool gift.

- Oh, I don't-- - [ dog whining ]

Tell you what: I was gonna sell it,

but I'll give it to you for nothing. I just want the dog to have a good home.

[ dog whining ]

All right, sold. You got it.

I got a dog. And here...

- Here's a 20. - Thanks.

- Yeah. Worked out pretty good, didn't it? - Yeah.

All right, that's my house. I'll see you guys later. Thanks a lot.

- Girl: Bye. Call me. - I will.

Girl: Okay.

[ horn honks ]

[ engine grinds ]

A rental. How are you, son? Good to see you.

I'm great. I'm surprised to see you, Dad.

Hey, what are we doing here?

Here, come on.

My gosh, you look great.

I was about to go in and get something to eat.

Are you coming inside?

I don't know how welcome I am in there, David, so...

Come on.

Please?

Yeah, sure. Why not? Let's go.

Okay.

- So how do you like it back here? - I like it okay, Dad.

School's easier and so are the girls.

[ laughing ] So are the girls? Oh, isn't that nice?

Hey, Dad, watch this.

Hey, Grandma,

I'm going to McDonald's. Can I get you anything?

Who's going to McDonald's?

- Paul, you came back. - Yeah.

- Oh, you must be starving. - Mom, Mom, where's Nancy? Have you seen Nancy?

Oh, honey, I've been in the kitchen.

Oh, well, never mind. Is that roast beef?

Yeah. Why don't I just heat up the roast beef

and make some gravy and some browned potatoes?

- No, don't go to any trouble, Ma, really. - Oh, honey,

I'm so happy to see you, I'd make you a cake if you wanted.

[ laughs ] That's great. But really, don't bother.

- Oh, it's no bother at all. - [ rock music playing ]

♪ Baby, you're mine

♪ I'm the groover, yeah... ♪

- Paul: Hi. - Hi.

What are you watching?

Bunch of Freaks.

♪ You love to tease

♪ I'm a hot dog daddy, open your knees ♪

♪ Sex fuehrer, baby, I'm a love dictator ♪

♪ Blitzkrieg romance, I'm a living detonator... ♪

Yeah, but what's the group called?

♪ Prime mover...

- Bunch of Freaks. That's the name of the group. - Oh.

- Everyone knows them. - I see. I see.

♪ Baby, you're mine...

You ever hear of the Beatles? I still like them.

Yeah. Paul McCartney's old group.

[ laughs ] Yeah.

Yeah.

So you got a lot of new friends back here or what?

They're all dorks.

Oh. Let me tell you something:

there are dorks everywhere.

I'm sure you knew a few dorks in New York.

Huh? Huh?

You know, it's not so much where you are,

but it's your attitude.

Sarah, could you turn the TV off

and talk to me, please? Come on.

♪ Baby, you're mine

♪ I'm the groover...

[ exhales ] Great. Thank you.

That's-- that's-- that's much better.

So what's new?

Tell me everything.

Can you give me some money?

What, you mean pay you to have a conversation?

Sure. Why not?

You little-- yeah, sure. Why not?

Okay, fine.

[ hums a tune ] Five bucks.

Give me 20 and I'll talk a lot more.

Let's just try five bucks' worth first, okay?

Okay.

Sarah! Sarah, can I see you for a minute?

Not right now. I'm talking to Dad. Go on, Dad.

Sarah, there used to be $47 in my wallet. And now it's empty.

That's terrible. You know, you'd better call the police.

- Let me see your purse. - Search and seizure? No way.

- Paul: Hey, hey, hey, come on. - Sarah: Give it to me.

- Come on, come on. - Stop. It's mine.

- David: Give me your purse. - Sarah: Give it to me!

- [ all shouting ] - What's going on?

- It's mine. - Let-- just relax. Relax. Relax. It's all right.

Sarah took my money. Count it.

Did you take his money, Sarah?

Huh?

You're gonna force me to open this.

- $111. - 47 of it is mine.

Sarah, how did you get this much money?

Dad gave it to me.

He paid me to have a conversation with him.

Did you, Paul?

I gave her some money, yeah.

You paid your own daughter $111 just to talk to you?

Sarah, if you need money, you just have to ask.

You know that.

I gave her five bucks, that's all.

- I hate you. - Nancy and Paul: Sarah.

- I hate you. Don't touch me. - Sarah.

Don't talk to me that way. I'm still your father.

No, you're not. We divorced you, remember?

[ door slams ]

You people really know how to drive a man crazy.

- What the hell's going on here? - Boomer.

The noisiest damn bunch of people I ever met.

- Boomer, where are you going? - When I get there, I'll let you know.

Boomer dear, please. Dear, please.

I think I'll just-- I'll let her,

you know, calm down before I go up.

Yeah.

Well, you know, she--

she really misses you.

[ car engine starts ]

Dad, Dad, Grandpa's taking off in your car.

He's what? Oh, for God's--

I'll be right back.

Dad, Dad.

♪ I can't think of one reason ♪

♪ I like the things I do ♪

♪ I take a ride on a good feeling ♪

♪ Knowing it'll see me through ♪

♪ Like a drive down a dusty highway ♪

♪ After the sun's gone down... ♪

- Your mother send you? - She's worried about you.

30 years on that lot, I've never missed one day's work.

- One day of your life in the hospital. - That's right.

That's the goddamn truth, so nobody needs to worry about me.

Dad, can I have my keys back, please,

to my rental car?

Come on, I'll school you.

Hey, Roxy, set up some shots for me and this asshole from New York.

- You gonna squeeze him, Boomer? - Yeah, but I gotta be gentle with him.

He's got a desk job now. He's getting soft.

[ both laugh ]

Yeah, okay. All right, fine.

And when I beat you, you're gonna give me back my keys, all right?

Oh, the idea is for you not to humiliate yourself.

Yeah, well, you got a short memory, don't you?

Oh, yeah?

Well come on, big shot, you first.

Quit while you got time, you know?

This is a machine. This isn't a goddamn typewriter.

All right, let's see what you can do here.

- Watch this, Pop. - Yeah, I'm watching.

Eh.

Have you started squeezing yet?

[ muttering ]

Maybe if you hadn't quit playing ball, you wouldn't be such a pussy now.

You couldn't take it, could you? You had to quit.

Hey, Roxy, you'd better write "pussy" on this machine.

He'd win the prize.

Gah!

- You're a pussy. - Yeah, well, right there. Right there.

- You beat that. Your turn, let's go. - Shit.

Like taking candy from a baby.

Watch this.

Ha! Watch this.

- All right. - Come on. Come on.

- No, I'll get it. Let me get it. - I got my own quarters.

I don't need your godddamn quarters. I can take care of myself.

- Right there. - All right, watch this.

This is-- I can beat you in my sleep.

Get an ambulance. What a wimp.

Take vitamins. Athlete.

- [ Boomer muttering ] - Nice try.

- He-man! - He-man shit.

I always do better than he-man.

Oh, no, we're going the other way now.

- Looks like it's all-- - [ grunting ]

Dad, it's okay. Relax. It's all right.

You did it. Let go. Here.

- [ machine dings ] - There. You're a champ. You did it.

- Jeez. - You fucked me up!

- You were killing yourself. - Bull!

You just didn't want to lose to your old man, that's all.

Some hot shot!

[ women chattering ]

Woman: Something borrowed, something blue.

Oh! I didn'’t see that. You are terrible.

Woman: Okay, my turn, my turn, my turn.

Oh, there they are.

Women: Hey, Susan.

Put your gift over there on the table.

Hi. Nancy.

- Nancy, you gotta do a toast. - Yes, let's go.

Another toast. I need a drink.

I just want to say that, in spite of rumors to the contrary, Karen,

there is a big difference between being married and being in prison.

- [ women chattering ] - No, no, the difference is

- that in prison someone else does the cooking. - [ laughter ]

My turn, my turn.

Okay, now every woman knows that to keep your husband happy

you have really got to know how to cook,

and I don't mean in the kitchen.

So I would like to give you

these ancient oriental secrets

- to successful sex. - Women: Ahh.

I'm afraid to open the box.

Woman: You should be. You should be.

- Look out. Look out. - I want some of these, whatever they are.

- Fortune cookies? - Open one. Open one.

[ women chattering, laughing ]

- Argh! - [ laughter ]

Women: What is it? What is it?

[ women chattering, laughing ]

- Thank you, thank you. - Everybody gets one.

Everybody gets one. Everybody gets one.

♪ There's a lot of nice things ♪

♪ Daddy never told her... ♪

Well, this sure is some party.

♪ But she needs him sometimes ♪

♪ The promises he made her ♪

♪ He never got around to... ♪

Anybody want to arm-wrestle again?

[ moans ]

Hey, Dad, Dad,

look what somebody left in the back of your car.

Oh, my little sweetheart.

Come here. [ kissing ]

No, put her down here. Put her here, man.

She'll liven up the party.

Hi, dog. Woof, woof, woof.

I forgot to give you to Sarah.

Grandpa, Grandma says you gotta get home. It's late.

I can't go home now. We're having a party. This is a bachelor party.

Sit down. Sit down. You're a bachelor.

Roxy, give us three JDs and a Coke for the boy, will you?

- Wait, what kind of party? - A bachelor party.

This is what men do the night before they get married.

You wouldn't understand. You're too young.

Wait a minute. But, Dad,

you didn't have a bachelor party the night before you got married, did you?

No, no, I pitched a no-hitter in Albany.

That's right, the famous no-hitter.

How the hell did you know that?

Shit, it's no wonder your marriage fell apart.

You didn't have a bachelor party.

Well, what, may I ask,

did you do the night before you got married?

I had a bachelor party.

Yeah, you know what I did right after my bachelor party?

I serenaded your mother.

Yeah, I did. I stood under her window and I sang a song.

♪ Tell me why

♪ The stars do shine

♪ Tell me why

♪ The ivy twines

♪ Tell me why

♪ The skies are blue

♪ And I will tell you

♪ How much I love you.

- That's very romantic. - Man: Yay, Boomer.

- That was too much. - Let's go do it, yeah.

And I did it in my underwear.

Well, my best man bet me I wouldn't do it, so I did.

- There, have one of these. - Damn, Grandpa, I'm impressed.

- Well, you should be. - Thank you very much.

- Here, one for you. - Thanks.

Paul, can I ask you a question about women?

Oh, God.

Well, I was just wondering,

how do you know that you love someone enough to marry 'em?

God, that's tough. You want me to take this one, Dad?

You? You're still dripping behind your ears.

Boomer and David: ♪ Tell me why...

Boomer: ♪ The ivy's blue--

♪ Twine

♪ Tell me why the skies ♪

- David: ♪ Are bright - Boomer: ♪ Are blue...

Ha! Wait, boys,

here we are. Here we are--

Boomer's Auto. And one of these days,

Boomer's Auto is gonna be Dave's Auto.

That's right. You take care of your old Granddad.

- Your old Granddad is gonna take care of you. - I love you too.

- That's right. - Watch out, watch out.

'Cause your dad-- he wants to go knocking on doors,

selling insurance. Hey, come on, let's go on inside.

- What are you doing? - [ dog whining ]

You got fingerprints all over my best offer.

For God's sakes. I clean this.

Well, step away. Don't stand on the goddamn thing.

All right, let's go on inside, come on.

- Hey, you coming in? - What? Yeah, I'm coming in.

Yeah, well, bring your girlfriend.

You can't hold onto your wife. Maybe you can hold onto a dog.

[ both laughing loudly ]

Get off the car. All right, let's go on in.

Now you think you've seen everything. I got something to show you.

Wait till you see this. You ready?

- Yeah. - All right.

[ alarm ringing ]

David and Doug: Wow.

- Ladies and gentlemen... - [ all chattering ]

It's a brand-new...

How do you turn off the alarm?

It's some kind of code. I never remember it.

- It's a beauty. Does it run? - Yes, like a rocket on wheels.

Hey, get your hands off it, will you? Nobody touch this car.

- What do you think? - It's gorgeous.

Well, you might even get to drive it if you treat my little girl right.

- All right, everybody, hop in. - Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

I'm the only one who's sober here, so I should be the designated driver.

- What? - The designated driver.

Hey, how long has he had his license?

- Four weeks. - It's seven weeks, Dad.

- Seven weeks. - Well, you'd better know what the hell you're doing.

- That's all I can say. - I'm a good driver.

You'd better get-- hey, what are you--?

God damn it, you don't belong up here. You get back there.

- Get in the back. Get in the back. - Get in the back.

- You don't belong up here. All right. - Jesus.

All right, let's go.

Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute.

Wait a minute. I'm in the balcony back here.

Get up here. You don't belong back there.

Come on, hurry up.

- Be careful. God damn it, all right. - I'm all right.

- Wait, wait. - Oh, God.

- [ horn honks ] - Oh, horn works.

- Watch the dash. - You don't belong. You stay back there.

- Give me the dog. Give me the dog. - All right.

- Give me the dog. - Everybody stay calm and I'll figure this out.

- [ tires screech ] - Boomer: Oh my God, what are you doing?

- Paul: Get off the brake! - Boomer: Oh my God Almighty.

- [ Paul shouting ] - Boomer: Hey! For God's sake, don't go so fast.

We're not in any hurry.

- [ all chattering ] - [ thunder crashing ]

[ men singing ]

♪ Let me hear you whisper ♪

♪ That you love me too... ♪

Boomer: Come on, start again.

♪ Let me call you sweetheart... ♪

- Boomer: All right, hurry up. - ♪ I'm in love with you...

[ women laughing, chattering ]

- Karen: Oh, no. Oh. - [ women shouting, clapping ]

♪ Let me hear you whisper ♪

♪ That you

♪ Love me too

♪ Keep the home light burning... ♪

I couldn't believe it, Ruth. Boomer here and his BVDs

doing "Pagliacci." I should have locked him up,

but because of the wedding, you know what? I figured, what the hell.

- Thank you. I appreciate it. - Thanks, Harry.

Let's get you all to bed now.

Hey, don't forget to turn off my alarm.

- Jerry: All right, Boomer. - Shh, all of you, come on.

Go to bed now. Shh.

- Doug: Hi, Karen. - You'll get your haircut in the morning.

[ men singing, laughing ]

Ruth: Shh. Quiet. Sarah's sleeping.

Shh, shh, shh.

[ car drives off ]

If you're only gonna see the kids a few times a year,

I would think you'd find something better to do with them

besides getting arrested.

[ dog whining ]

Oh, here. I have this.

It's a present for Sarah.

Um, just say goodbye to her for me.

You are pathetic.

What?

[ door opens ]

I'm going to bed. Come on up.

Just what do you think you're doing?

Well, I'd like to spend the night with my ex-wife.

- What? - Just to show her that I'm still crazy about her.

- Come on. - You are not going up there.

- Yes, I am. - Paul, you are not going--

- Take the coat. You want the coat? - You are not going--

Paul, you are not going up there, I'm telling you.

[ both shouting ]

- That still ticklish? - No. [ laughing ]

Paul, don't.

- Come on, let go. - You are so ornery.

[ both chattering, laughing ]

- [ screams ] - Oh.

- Sarah honey, I'm sorry. - Gross.

- Honey, are you all right? - Honey, Sarah.

Is this a nightmare or what? Ugh!

- Sarah. - [ door slams ]

I'll talk to her tomorrow.

Oh, God, this feels--

this feels so good.

Jesus, I can't tell you the last time I slept.

Christmas.

Oh, I was so depressed.

I took three pills

and passed out.

Woke up just in time for the Rose Bowl.

[ both chuckle ]

I thought of you on Christmas.

- You did? - Uh-huh.

Oh, that's nice.

The first one we spent apart

in, what, 20 years?

I don't know.

Oh.

Did it hurt when I slapped you?

No. No, no. I'm getting used to it.

- Oh, sometimes you make me so crazy. You know that. - Come here.

[ both laugh ]

I guess that's why you divorced me.

No, no, no, no. I think it's why I married you.

Oh, I see.

- Oh, God. - Do you remember the first time we did this?

- It was here in this room. - Oh, yeah.

Yeah, yeah. Yeah, I remember.

There was nobody home. It was just you and me

and your little majorette uniform.

Oh, God, Paul.

Oh, I remember those tights

- and the ruffled skirt. - You'd just played a game.

- Yes, I did. It was Franklin Township. - Franklin Township.

- I did a one-hit. - You didn't shower after the game.

- I had never seen a jockstrap before. - Oh.

- Oh, Nancy. - You feel so good.

So do you.

Oh, you smell so good.

Oh, you're still wearing Aramis.

- Oh, God. - Oh, Paul.

You've still got the cute little Midwestern accent.

And your mouth-- oh, your mouth.

God, I've always loved this mouth.

- I love your chest. - Oh, God.

Paul, take off your shirt.

[ chuckles ]

Oh. Oh, it's still there.

Yeah, you darn right it is, baby.

God, you've got beautiful eyes.

You've got the sexiest mouth I've ever seen.

I love your lips.

I love your hair.

Oh, God, I love your neck.

Oh, God, I love this neck.

- Paul. - What is that? What?

- Do you know who you're saying this to? - What?

- What kind of a question is that? What do you mean? - Come on, Paul.

- What are you talking about? - You know what I'm talking about.

No, I don't have the slightest idea what you're talking--

- The women, Paul. - Oh, fine. Fine.

God.

Okay.

Let's see. I think we've done this before.

Uh, I didn't make mist-- I made some mistakes.

I didn't plan it. It just happened.

Now are we gonna beat this thing to death or what?

It just happened?

I'm sorry I robbed the bank. It just happened.

I'm sorry I sold your child drugs. It just happened.

Oh, Paul, you want to be 18 forever

with the cheerleaders chasing you behind the bleachers for a quickie.

Train wrecks just happen, Paul,

but nobody forced you into somebody else's bed.

You had a choice and you let your dick think for you.

Come on, give me a b-- it is not that simple.

Oh, it is to me.

I loved you.

And I never betrayed you.

I loved you.

You just--

you just screwed it up.

I always thought that

we were gonna grow old together.

But you just threw it away.

And I hate you for doing that.

I don't know if I hate you more than I love you,

but I know that I hate you enough

that I could never live with you again.

[ mutters ]

Um, maybe if we'd--

we'd tried, you know,

instead of bringing in the lawyers,

maybe if--

maybe if you'd hit me on the head then

like you did just now, I'd--

maybe, I don't know, you know--

oh, God, maybe, maybe, maybe.

Now you want me to share in the blame.

I can't.

Yeah.

Nancy.

Nancy, if it means anything to you,

you were the only woman I ever really loved...

even if I didn't know it at the time.

[ whining ]

Good night, sweetheart.

Damn, I haven't seen a pour like this in 30 years.

[ thunder crashing ]

I know it would be like this.

I dreamt it would be like this.

It's only a little sprinkle.

It'll be over soon.

You look beautiful, Karen.

Doug will be so proud of you.

[ car horn honks ]

Please don't honk the horn, dear. We're at church now.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Tuck in your head. Run like hell.

All right, be careful. Don't fall.

I'll hold the umbrella.

This is a bad sign, a very bad sign.

Nancy: Be careful. Watch the puddle.

I'm stuck! I'm stuck!

Karen, are you okay? Grandma?

[ thunder crashing ]

[ all screaming ]

[ car horn honks ]

[ organ music playing ]

[ thunder crashing ]

What are you doing out here?

Somebody I know is getting married. What are you doing out here?

Get in.

What's going on?

You're gonna have to give Karen away. I can't do it.

I'm sick. Tell her I'm sick.

Oh, Jesus.

I just can't, not like this.

Not sober, you mean?

What are you doing?

- Come on, come on. - No, I'm not getting out.

- Come on. - [ horn honks ]

No, I'm not-- God damn it.

God damn.

[ thunder crashing ]

The minister's gonna ask--

gonna ask, "Who gives this woman?"

They told me to say, "Her mother and her father," just like that.

"Her mother and her father."

Don't fuck it up.

Yeah.

Hey, Paul, wait.

Just tell Karen that I--

tell her--

well, you'll think of something.

[ organ music playing ]

Karen, darl--

Karen, let me--

Karen, please, darling.

Please, darling, everybody's out here. They look so beautiful.

The organist is waiting to start, the minister and everybody.

Please, honey.

- Hi. - Oh, hi. How are you?

- You stayed. - Yeah, yeah.

Well, look, you took care of the dress.

- Well, kind of. - Yeah.

- They're not real. - Oh, I see.

- I mean, the-- - Oh, it's fine.

You know, it wasn't Van Gogh who went to Tahiti.

It was Gauguin.

I looked it up in the Britannica.

I stand corrected.

- Paul, Paul, could you come talk to your sister? - Yeah.

She won't come out. Everybody's waiting.

Excuse me just a second.

Karen, please, dear, won't you--

won't you let your brother in to talk to you? Please, darling.

- Mom, come on. Ma. - Oh, sorry.

Open up, sis.

Thank you.

Oh my God, you look great.

- You're here. - Oh.

- You're wet. - Yeah, I know that. Look...

- Oh. - I'm giving you away.

Dad's not-- he's not gonna be able to do it.

So I tell you what: if you're ready to walk down that aisle, so am I.

- Is he sick? - Not exactly, no.

Oh, it doesn't matter,

because I am not leaving this room.

All right, what's wrong? Don't you love the guy?

No.

Yes. I don't know.

I mean, I thought I did,

parts of him anyway.

I mean, I'm perfectly satisfied

with at least 70% of Doug.

But then when I'm with him, all I think about is the other 30%.

But then when I'm with someone else, all I think about

is Doug's 70%. I am so confused.

Oh, honey.

Paul, what if there's someone out there

who's 100% right for me,

someone who won't pick his teeth,

who won't make up sickening nicknames for us when we fool around.

- What? - He does. He calls me Boopsy.

"Come here, Boopsy, and give Bippy a kiss."

Bipsy? Boopsy? Paul, what am I doing?

- Well, honey, if you feel that way... - I'm not that old.

Maybe I should keep looking for my 100%.

Well, maybe you should.

Yeah, but Doug's not gonna wait around forever.

And let's say I never find my 100%.

I go through man after man,

a 50-percenter, an 80, a 75.

And finally I am old,

really old, and I'm lonely.

So I have to settle for whatever comes next.

And you know what?

He's not a 90. He's not an 80.

He's not even a 70 like Doug.

He's only a 60.

So I've thrown away Doug's 70%

for his 60%, and there I am,

10% short.

What am I gonna do?

Karen, honey, listen.

Why should I? You're divorced.

That's true.

There's still time. I could sneak out the back door.

Karen, look, all right,

you say you love the guy, right?

And as far as I can tell, he's in love with you.

Now that doesn't guarantee a thing.

But it's a start.

So...

What?

- Right now? - Yeah.

Okay, okay, okay. Who giveth this-- who giveth this woman?

[ organ music playing ]

- Paul. - Hmm?

I'm pregnant.

Well, you still have time to sneak out the back door.

No, I'm gonna marry that cute guy

standing up there, waiting for me.

Good.

You may be seated.

Welcome.

We are gathered here today

to witness the union of two of God's young people

in the holy state of marriage,

revered and honored in the sight of God and of the world.

- It is therefore not to be entered into unadvisedly... - [ muttering ]

...but discreetly, reverently and in the fear of God.

Okay, hold it for one more. Just a minute.

One, two...

Great. Now can we get the bridal party, please--

bridesmaids, groomsmen?

The reception doesn't start for an hour.

A whole hour.

God, you know what I'd like to do?

What?

I'd like to go somewhere and take a nice, hot shower.

Have you ever been to the No-Tell Motel?

Single or double?

- Double. - Double.

Your best. Do you have hot tubs?

No, just Magic Fingers.

Oh. They don't have hot tubs.

That's-- we'll manage.

- Miriam, look who's here. - Oh.

Well, hello.

We decided to check out before the reception.

You staying here too?

Yeah. We're just-- no, we're visiting a friend.

Sign right here, sir.

[ chuckles ]

Should we both sign?

- No. No, I'll sign. - I want to pay for my half.

- Are the rooms nice? - Oh, lovely.

Did you try the Magic Fingers?

[ laughing ]

Oh, that's good. Well, um,

gotta go visit our friend now.

Yeah.

Sure.

Oh.

Oh, it's just like I pictured it.

Looks pretty standard to me.

Oh, look, a mini refrigerator.

Oh, it has beer and nuts.

Um...

oh, look, a fireplace.

Maybe we could build a fire.

We won't need a fire.

No. Well, no, I guess not.

Oh, we won't need... [ laughs ]

Uh, the paintings in here are beautiful.

Uh, that's a leopard, isn't it?

Uh, a leopard, yeah, yeah.

Yeah, I think it's--

oh, here's the Magic Fingers.

It's 25 cents for 20 minutes.

[ mutters ] There's a TV.

I love TV.

It's-- I watch a lot of TV.

- Really? - Well, not a whole lot, no.

I watch a lot of TV too. What's your favorite show?

- Well, I watch the soaps. - Oh.

I know it's kind of corny,

but I really think they do good acting

on so--

I mean, they really cry.

And they laugh.

But I don't watch it all the ti--

oh, we're going over here? Okay.

[ both muttering, giggling ]

You know, lately I've been feeling

- like I've been losing my mind... - Oh, really?

...and just so confused, yeah. And I think

I have figured everything out,

um, with your help.

Oh, good. I'm glad I could help.

I mean, why should Danny have all the fun?

- Oh, he shouldn't. - No.

I mean, I-- I-- I'm not losing my mind.

I'm just-- [ gasps ]

I'm just afraid of being struck by lightning

and just-- [ chuckles ]

I just-- You know, I haven't had

anything fun or-- or-- or new or--

or sexy or--

or exciting

in my life

in such a long time.

Oh, and you are it.

Oh.

I am voting

for you.

I love the way you look. I love your cheekbones.

You've got great bone structure. It reminds me of the Indians.

And I've always been a big fan of the Indians.

Kemosabe.

- I love your lips. - Thank you.

I love your chin.

Oh, thank you.

[ moaning ]

God, you've got a beautiful--

What? I have a beautiful what?

Neck.

Really? [ laughing ]

Well, I've never paid much attention.

How can a neck be beautiful?

It's just-- it just holds the head.

I can't do this, Susan.

- What? - I can't do this, I'm sorry.

Oh, God.

What's wrong?

We can't do it, that's all.

You can't do it. I can't do it.

I'd love to do it, but we can't do it.

Yes, we can.

We have plenty of time.

Danny's in Wheeling.

The room is paid for.

Do you want a beer?

What? No, no.

Was it something I said?

Was I talking too much?

- No. - Well, what is wrong then?

I like it too much, that's what's wrong.

You're not gonna make love to me because you like me?

That's right. You got it.

Wait a minute.

You said that it could be exciting

- when two strangers met-- - Well, we're not strangers.

Yes, we are.

We hardly know each other.

We live in different states, for Chrissake.

You said yesterday that it would be fun.

I lied, all right? I lied. It's what I've said to every woman I've ever met.

I fall into it. It's my little rap.

I go into it. They buy it. You bought it. Now you're just like one of them.

Now doesn't that disgust you? Doesn't that make you sick?

No. Well, it's--

Well, I make myself sick. I make me sick.

I'll wait in the car.

No, you just wait a minute!

Now...

this isn't fair.

I mean, how many times do you think I've been

in a motel room with a naked man

in my underwear?

Oh, I don't know. Probably never.

Three: my wedding night,

on vacation last summer with Danny

and after graduation with--

with a kid who didn't know

any more about what we were doing than I did.

Right, so now you think you got an expert?

Don't I?

I want to get to the reception.

[ mumbles ]

"You're beautiful. You're charming.

You have a beautiful neck."

What is going on here?

Fine. You want it?

You want it? You got it.

No problem. We'll do it.

You got it. No problem. Do you want the lights on or off?

On or off? On or off? On or off?

- Off. - Off. Fine. You got it. Off.

Telephone-- nobody's gonna call us,

uninterrupted, just you and me,

just a couple of strangers. This is the fun part. This is good.

- This is fun. This is exciting. - Oh, Paul.

- This is great. This is what we want. - Oh, please.

No, it's fun. It's fun. It's exciting.

- It's great. Come on. - [ sobbing ]

Oh, Jesus God. Do you know--

do you know who you've got here

in your motel room on your big date? Do you know?

- You. - No, you don't.

You got yourself a 37-year-old guy

who's got an empty three-bedroom apartment in New York City.

I live there alone.

Um, yes, yes, I do.

I sell insurance. That's right.

It's a job I can't stand, but it affords me the luxury

of being able to pay for my wife and kids

to live in another state.

And a wife-- yes, I had a wife.

I had a great wife. I don't have her anymore. I blew that.

I had a little problem coming home at night.

She got tired of it. Can't imagine why.

And I got kids. I have two kids.

I have a son who understands me

and a daughter who doesn't.

And the jury's still out on whether she ever will.

That's me. That's Paul Weaver.

That's the guy that you want to have your big fling with.

Oh, God.

God, Susan, you are beautiful.

And you are charming. And nobody should make you cry,

not Van Gogh, and especially not me.

You're right.

You know, we probably wouldn't even be here

if-- if I just had a friend to talk to.

Well...

Hello. My name's Paul Weaver.

How do you do?

How do you do?

- [ dance music playing ] - [ people chattering ]

Ready? One, two...

- Great shot. - Thanks.

- How are we doing with lasagna? - That's it.

Huh? That's it?

Oh my God, I told the caterers we did need the chicken.

I told the ca-- oh, you'll love the ham. It's delicious.

[ song ends ]

And now, ladies and gentlemen,

it's time for what we call "the bride's polka dance."

The bride's cute little niece has volunteered to take donations, folks,

so please be generous, 'cause Karen and Dough

are planning on a down payment for a condominium.

[ laughter ]

Ready? One, two, three...

[ polka playing ]

Karen! Oh!

Oh!

You don't think Karen would want to see me, do you,

after this afternoon?

No, forget it.

Come with me.

Come on.

[ slow music playing ]

I've been waiting all night to dance with you, Daddy.

Me too, honey.

Sweetheart, I'm sorry I wasn't there to give you away.

It's just very hard.

You look beautiful.

Oh, thanks, Dad.

Thanks for everything.

I don't know if you remember Dorn, but he's a very good friend of Karen's.

- Hello. Good to see you again. - She was about this tall.

Excuse me, have you seen Sarah? I want to dance with her.

That sounds like a very good idea.

Did you check the pool room?

- Yeah, I was just there. - I'll go take a look.

- Wait a minute. - David, the last time I saw her, she was outside.

- Outside? What was she--? - I don't know.

Honey, I can't take you down to the bus station.

- Why? - It's late. You should be at home in bed.

But look, come on. I can pay, see?

- Whoa, whoa, whoa. - And there's a lot more in here, see?

- Put that away. - There's a lot more, see?

- Hey, hon, I got an idea. - Look. Come on.

Why don't you go back over to the party

- and find your folks, huh? - No, I can't.

There she is, right over there. Sarah!

- Come on. - Sarah.

Hey, hey.

I'll get her.

Sarah!

Sarah!

Sarah, wait.

- Can I help you? - No, no, just looking.

Hey, have you seen a little girl? She's got blond hair.

Yes, she just came in. She went over there.

- Where? - She's got to be in here.

- She just came in. - Sarah. Sarah.

Sarah, come on. Wait a minute.

Sarah.

- What, are you nuts? - How do I get to New York?

I don't know.

- Do you fucking mind? - How do I get to the turnpike?

I just want to get off to New York City, the turnpike.

I don't know how you get to the turnpike.

Sarah!

Come on. Honey, stop running.

Sarah!

Sarah, come on. Come on, honey.

Slow down. I'm getting--

I'm getting too t-- come on.

God. [ panting ]

Oh, God. Ow. God damn it.

- Oh, Jesus. Fuck. It's my chest. - Dad, are you okay?

I think I'm having a heart attack.

Oh, Jeez. Oh.

I'm sorry.

Oh, God, honey, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry for everything. I didn't--

I can't believe this. I can't believe this is happening.

I planned-- I just--

I was gonna-- I was gonna ask you to live with me.

Live with you?

Yeah, I was gonna ask you to live with me in New York.

But now-- ow, ow, ow, ow.

- God damn it. - Daddy, please don't die.

- Oh, God. - No.

Oh. Oh. Okay.

Help me up. Help me up.

- Okay, let's go. - You lied!

- Well, honey, I'm sorry. I couldn't run anymore. - You liar. Yes, you did.

- Why did you lie? - Look, I didn't mean to lie to you.

And I hate myself for doing it. Will you forgive me, honey, please?

[ all cheering ]

Bye. Bye. Bye.

[ horn honks ]

[ slow music playing ]

Do you want to get rid of me?

Oh, you know better than that.

Blow your nose.

We could try for the winter.

He needs someone.

So how did I get elected?

It's a volunteer position.

Look, I'm not forcing you.

You do what you think is best.

- Dad. - Yeah?

Do you still have our old apartment?

Yeah, I do.

Well, if--

if I came back with you,

could I have David's old room?

Sure.

Could I paint it purple?

You could even paint my room purple.

Uh, you want to dance?

- Sure. - Good.

- Dad. - Yeah?

Are you crying?

No, no, of course not.

Sarah: So what's the deal with you and Mom?

Are we going to spend Christmas together?

Paul: I wouldn't bet against it. Hey, this is gonna be great.

I'm gonna pick you up after school, take you to restaurants,

- the Yankee Stadium... - Dad.

- ...ride the subway train out to-- - Dad.

- What? - Don't you think you're overcompensating?

Paul: Oh, yes, I am.

♪ So you think you're a Romeo ♪

♪ Playing a part in a picture show ♪

♪ Well, take the long way home ♪

♪ Take the long way home

♪ 'Cause you're the joke of the neighborhood ♪

♪ Why should you care if you're feeling good? ♪

♪ Well, take the long way home ♪

♪ Take the long way home

♪ But there are times that you feel ♪

♪ You're part of the scenery ♪

♪ All the greenery

♪ Is coming down, boy

♪ And then your wife seems to think ♪

♪ You're part of the furniture ♪

♪ Oh, it's peculiar

♪ She used to be

♪ So nice

♪ When lonely days turn to lonely nights ♪

♪ You take a trip to the city lights ♪

♪ And take the long way home ♪

♪ Take the long way home

♪ You never see what you want to see ♪

♪ Forever playing to the gallery ♪

♪ You take the long way home ♪

♪ Take the long way home

♪ And when you're up on the stage ♪

♪ It's so unbelievable

♪ Unforgettable

♪ How they adore you

♪ But then your wife seems to think ♪

♪ You're losing your sanity ♪

♪ Oh, calamity

♪ Is there no way out?

♪ Oh, yes

♪ Does it feel that your life's become ♪

♪ A catastrophe?

♪ Oh, it has to be

♪ For you to grow, boy

♪ When you look through the years ♪

♪ And see what you could have been ♪

♪ Oh, what you might have been ♪

♪ If you had had

♪ More time

♪ So when the day comes to settle down ♪

♪ Who's to blame if you're not around? ♪

♪ You took the long way home ♪

♪ You took the long way home ♪

♪ You took the long way home, do it again ♪

♪ You took the long way home ♪

♪ You took the long way home, so long ♪

♪ You took the long way home ♪

♪ You took the long way home, oh, yes ♪

♪ You took the long way home... ♪

♪ [ MUSIC FADES OUT]