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I heard Magnum condoms

are basically
the same size as regular condoms.

Mm-mmm.

Which makes you think, like,

what else do we believe
just because of marketing?

Like, if you grew up being told
the Book of Mormon is fake,

you'd probably believe it was fake
'cause that's what you were told.

No, Magnums are huge.

My sister said her ex-husband
had a scary big peen,

like, frighteningly big,
and they had to wear Magnums.

Sounds made up.

Elephant trunk.

Yup.
That's what she would call it.

I was watching this video,
I'm not sure where I saw it.

It was these two people
having intercourse,

um, sexual intercourse,

sex, and, uh,
and a cameraman filming them.

Like an amateur
porno... nography type thing?

Um, and the girl in the video
was moaning loudly,

as in typical, I assume,
in that kind of video.

Just screaming.

And then, all of a sudden,
off camera, in the hallway,

you hear this lady yell, through the wall,

"We can hear you!"

And the couple stop sex-ing.

And the look of embarrassment
and horror on their faces

was so painful.

And the porno-girl who's, like,
taking it from behind-ish,

says something defiant, like,
"Good!" under her breath,

but you can literally see her soul

being sucked out of her body,
right then and there.

All of her dignity gone,

as if realizing for the first time, like,

"Wow, this is my life.
I'm f-ing a stranger on camera for money."

And I just thought,

"Like, wow, that is really poignant."

Because, like, in that moment,

I was like, "Yeah."

God's real.

We have souls.

It's divine confirmation.

Do you watch a lot of...

No! I do not! No.

- I do not watch pornography.
- Okay, okay.

No.

- It's okay.
- No! I said no!

- I'm not!
- Mm-hmm. I know.

- Not a pornography watcher.
- Okay. Okay.

Oh, I hope this goes well.

I know it's not a competition,

but I haven't baptized
a single investigator

on my mission yet.

It's okay, I've only converted,

- like, eight or nine people.
- Eight or nine?

Balls.

Anyway, what do you think
about what I was saying?

The porno thing?

Like...

How has God shown you
that the church is true?

I don't know. I guess I haven't really...

I haven't really thought about it.

But you know it's true.

If ye receive no witness

until after the trial of your faith...

If ye receive no witness...

Who do we have
after this couple again?

I think we have
the bald guy we met at Costco.

Okay. Oh, yeah.

Okay, for
every flight of stairs...

- Yeah?
- ...our husband

gets five times hotter.

Hi, good afternoon, ma'am.
My name is Sister Barnes,

and this is my companion, Sister Paxton.

Are you interested in learning
about our savior, Jesus Christ?

Okay.

- Hi!
- Good afternoon.

- Hi, are you interest...
- My name is, uh, Sister Barnes, and...

You ever feel like when you sing,
it's, like, too high or too low?

I don't really like to sing.

I think you have
a beautiful voice.

I know I don't have
a beautiful voice, but...

No, you do. You do.

...I enjoy it.

Oh, my gosh. I already love these girls.

Hey...

Sorry!

Sorry! Can we get a pic?

Oh, of course!

Uh, here.

- Is it true?
- Is what true?

- Do you wear magic underwear?
- What?

Oh, my gosh! Come on, let's go.

This is it.

People think we're weird.

What do you mean?

I don't know. That South Park musical
kind of makes fun of us.

I listened to some of the songs
and they're actually pretty funny.

Anyway, who... who cares what people think?

You're awesome.

Thanks.

Hi, I'm Sister Paxton. Hi.

Hello, I'm Sister Paxton.
This is my companion, Sister Barnes.

God chooses prophets, such as Adam...

Abraham and Moses.

The prophets teach about God
and receive revelation.

All right.

Let's get you a baptism.

Okay.

Ah!

Good afternoon.

- Hi.
- Good afternoon.

- Hi.
- Good afternoon.

I'm Sister Paxton, and this is
my companion, Sister Barnes.

Um, are you Mr. Reed?

I am. Hello to you.

- Hello. Wait.
- Hi.

You are Paxton, you are Barnes.

- Barnes?
- Um, no. I'm...

- Paxton, Barnes.
- Barnes, yes.

- Paxton, Barnes.
- Yeah.

Mr. Reed, it's so nice
to meet you, finally.

We were just in the area,
and we wanted to stop by

because you mentioned
you might be interested

in learning more about
the Church of Jesus Christ

of Latter-day Saints?

Yeah! Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Mr. Reed, we would like
to give you this booklet,

as it will help you
understand the restoration.

I... I actually have one already,
but, um, you can never have too many.

It tells you all the ways
the Heavenly Father can reveal His gospel.

- As a part of His plan...
- Thank you.

God chooses prophets,

such as Adam, Noah, Abraham and Moses.

- Uh, prophets...
- Yeah, well, talking of Noah...

...it is very, very wet.

teach about God and receive revelation,

and they interpret the word of God,

and preach the gospel to the world,
and because of Apostasy...

- Would you like to come inside?
- people lose knowledge of the gospel.

Do you have a girl roommate?

A girl, who?

A... a roommate?

We can't come inside unless
another woman is present

but, um, we can, uh, stay out here
in the doorway, if that's fine with you?

It's just for safety.
We don't mind the rain.

Well, my wife is home. Does that count?

- Yeah!
- Perfect.

When you said "roommate," I panicked. I...

I haven't had a roommate since, uh...

Anyway, I have a soulmate
and that is good enough?

- Yes!
- That's great!

We'd love to come in and meet your wife.

- Then come on in!
- Great!

- Do you like pie?
- Yeah!

My wife has pie in the oven.

I've gained so much weight on my mission.

People are always feeding us treats.

We never seem
to turn them down.

Well, my wife loves to bake.

- May I take your coats?
- Oh, yes.

I really love pie.
I'm super excited.

My grandma used to make the best pie.

Okay, well, you and my wife
are gonna get on very well.

- Great.
- Oh, one thing,

the walls and ceilings have metal in them.

- I hope that's okay.
- We don't mind.

Good!

Well, I will go and check on the snacks.

Make yourselves at home.

Thank you.

My wife is being shy.

But the pie, the pie is nigh.

She'll have to be in the room with us too.

Yes, of course! Of course, right.
I understand.

Please take a seat,
take a seat, take a seat.

Couple of colas. Help... help yourself.

I think...

it is good to be religious.

Well, our work here is done.

No. I just want you
to know that before we start.

Yeah, I think that we would consider
that refreshing to hear.

Well, sometimes, it feels like

maybe religion isn't at
the center of culture anymore.

Well, it's fading, isn't it?

Yeah, over time. Mm-hmm.

Okay, are you ready to hear about
our Heavenly Father's plan for you?

I am! Wait.

Where are you both from?

Me? Ogden, Utah.

One of eight daughters.

I know, it's as bad as it sounds.

And Sister Barnes is from Salt Lake City.

Uh, Philadelphia, originally.

Ah.

And you're both
raised in the church, yeah?

Born and raised.

My mother was a convert, so, um,

when my dad passed away,
we auditioned a few different churches,

just to see what was out there
and see if we still believed in it.

I know that feeling.
I know that feeling very well.

It's so important to find your faith
in a doctrine you actually believe,

and that's a very, very personal struggle.

That is a personal challenge
that I have struggled with

for a very, very long time.

You know,

what is the one, true religion?

It's funny,
Sister Hall was telling us that we should

prioritize other investigators.

- Oh.
- Oh, but no! I...

I'm just saying that I could tell...

that you are
a very spiritually curious person,

just like Joseph Smith.

You know, Joseph investigated
many different denominations,

Presbyterian, Methodist, Catholicism.

And none of them quite fit,

which is why Joseph founded our church.

Mm-hmm.

As I understand it,
stop me when I go wrong,

he was visited in the night
by an angel called Morony.

- Moroni.
- Moroni. Yeah.

Moroni, who showed him
where he could locate

some golden plates near his home.

His mysterious translation of those plates

form the basis of this.

Wow!

No, you read more than we do!

No, seriously,

we should be more like you, Mr. Reed.

Mr. "Read."

The pie smells amazing.

And now that you've been studying
The Book of Mormon,

how does it make you feel?

Can you guess
what kind of pie she's making?

Is it...

blueberry pie?

- It is blueberry pie!
- Yes! I knew it! My favorite.

Going back, can I ask

how did your father pass away?

- Um...
- I'm sorry.

- I shouldn't...
- Lou Gehrig's disease.

Blueberry disease?

Okay, that's...

That's... that's wonderful,
blueberry disease.

Who wouldn't want that? Yeah.

Uh...

Lou Gehrig's disease. Gehrig's.

Oh, that's... that's awful.

I'm so sorry. I... I... I misheard.

That is a malicious affliction.

I... I thought you were making a joke
about the pie. I'm sorry.

Yeah.

Have you seen any signs of
your father since he passed?

Has he tried to communicate
from the other side?

Mmm, no.

That's strange.

Well, I'm...

I'm really sorry, and
I'm sorry about the...

blueberry mix-up.

It's okay.

When I die, I want to come
back as a butterfly,

just to follow around the people I love.

I'll land right on their hand.

Not their arm, not their... their head,

right on their fingertip,
so they know it's me.

Ah.

That's sweet.

Oh!

Apologies!
That is a foible of the house.

I'm sorry. It does that. It does that.

Um, well...

Ladies, I can't see you now.

- Um, I think it is time.
- Hmm.

Time for what?

Time for pie!

Pie!

Whoo-hoo!

And, uh, time for enlightenment.

Oh?

I'm sorry,
I should have offered you water.

The word of wisdom forbids
caffeine and alcohol, doesn't it?

Well, it doesn't, uh,
specifically mention soda.

Sure, it may be healthier
to avoid caffeinated drinks,

but we're just not thirsty.

Aha.

How do you feel about awkward questions?

The meme?

Heh, no. I want to ask an awkward, uh,

an icky question,

an insensitive question that I think

will add depth to our conversation

very quickly before the sun goes down
and we're done for the evening.

But only if you're comfortable with that.

Well, we won't know
if we're comfortable

- until you ask, so...
- Fair point.

Maybe you just ask?

Okay.

If you don't ask,

I'm gonna leave here wondering
what we missed out on.

Very well. My question is this. Um...

Now I feel it's been built up to. Uh...

Should I request a drumroll?

I'm going to request a drumroll.

A drumroll please, ladies!

Keep going! Keep going! Keep going!

More! More! More!

Now, I... I... I... my question is,
how do you feel about polygamy?

How do you... how do you feel
about the concept of

a man having multiple wives?

I mean, it's... it's not for me, um...

Are you asking
from a biblical perspective?

Uh, Mormonism
has a controversial history

with the misogynist practice
of men claiming multiple wives.

But I am fascinated by
the idea of Modern Revelation,

which was used to erase this behavior
from the church in 1890.

I just think
that's worthy of conversation.

Yeah? Uh...

And what I mean by that
is that we're discussing a church that

decided that a controversial practice
was a stain on its reputation,

and an actual hindrance
to recruiting new members,

and so it used revelation,
word of God told unto the prophet,

to banish a provocative religious pillar

that seemed unsavory
in contemporary times.

Yeah, I know that, um,

it may be difficult to understand, um,

but, uh, polygamy was a spiritual mission

needed at the time in order
to grow the ranks of our membership

in the wake of much hardship
and bloodshed.

Um, a man having plural wives meant more...

more babies to help the community grow.

Hmm.

It's... yeah, it's sketch for sure,

- to our modern brains.
- And it was...

it was removed from the church
not just because

it was grotesque or controversial,

but just because
it wasn't necessary anymore.

You see, I worry,

and forgive my loud language,

uh...

I worry that Joseph Smith
used the concept of polygamy

to legitimize his affairs
with other women.

I worry that Joseph's wife, Emma Smith,

was upset when he slept with Fanny Alger,
their sixteen-year-old maid.

I worry that he formulated a plan

to use revelation for consequence-free sex

in the aftermath of that indiscretion
and others like it.

You know, "With great power
comes great responsibility."

Spider-Man.

Voltaire.

Right.

I guess what I would
pose to the room is my concern

that polygamy has no
spiritual bearing whatsoever.

That is somewhat of
a distortion, I think...

The church's own history corroborates
and implies this...

cynical brainwashing tactic.

Is that true?

I... I... I'm sorry,

I... I'm not sure where
you're getting this.

If revelation by God
is filtered through man

and man is flawed
and man sins and man lies,

then how do we know any of it's true?

We know it's true because
of how it makes us feel.

Bingo! That's exactly right!

That's exactly right. Couldn't agree more.

It's our personal relationship
with God which matters.

Let us talk with our bishop

about some of the points
you're raising. Um...

Question. What's your favorite fast food?

I try not to eat it.

None of us do, but go on,
we've all got one.

Um...

Okay. Burger King is better
than Carl's Jr.

What's Carl's Jr.?

Hardee's on the East Coast.

Burger King is better than Hardee's
which is better than Rally's...

- Rally's?
- Checkers.

Burger King is better than Hardee's,

which is better than Checkers,

which is better than Wendy's,
which is better than In-N-Out,

which is better than McDonald's,
which is better than Jack in the Box,

which is better than nothing.

Jack in the Box serves breakfast all day.

I love breakfast!

What about Taco Bell?

We don't talk about Taco Bell.

Why don't we talk about Taco Bell?

We'd have to talk about
Taco Bell to talk about...

...why we don't
talk about Taco Bell.

All right, so...
so Burger King is number one.

- I think it's trash.
- Oh.

Right. Not Jack in the Box.

I vote Wendy's.

I could support.

Good! Wendy's it is. Yeah.
Do you know? I've never had a Wendy.

That came out wrong.

It's okay.

So when I started
studying theology,

the last thing I wanted to do was find

the Wendy's of religions.

I was just writing a research paper
for a college class,

and I was content with dabbling.

So, some McNuggets here,
BK Whopper over there,

whatever fit the mood.

As I studied the genres,
McD, BK, In-N-Out,

i.e., Mormonism, Scientology,
Islam, Buddhism,

as I got closer to God

through genre and rigorous study,

as I worked on my personal relationship

with Heavenly Father,
and I think strengthened it,

do you know what I found?

The more you know, the less you know.

And by the time I was 50,
I was malnourished

from the fast food of religion
I'd been packing into my brain

for the best part of a decade.

Every sect, cult, creed, denomination

all claimed to be the one, true doctrine,

and yet none seemed true
when held under the microscope.

So I wondered what else was out there.

I promise you,

the last thing I wanted to do

was find the one true religion.

But unfortunately, I did.

Can we meet your wife?

Please?

Of course, yes!

She just has to be present,

- and we want to meet her as well.
- Yeah.

Sorry. I'll... I'll go ask.

Sister Barnes,
I don't... I don't know.

Yeah, I don't want to spook him,
but we should wrap this.

Any messages?

Nothing.

Okay. Um...

let's just politely wrap this
and head back.

Just the highlights...

And she is finally ready.

Sorry about that.

Come on through.
She's eager to meet you.

There we are.

- This way.
- Okay.

One moment, Mr. Reed.

Uh, we're just getting a call
from the Relief Society president.

- We'll be right there.
- Oh, do you need a minute?

Hi. This is Sister Barnes. Um...

- I'll wait on the other side. Yeah.
- Yeah. Just one moment. Thank you.

- Should we leave?
- Now?

- Yeah?
- Yes? Yes.

What is it?

Our bikes.

Yeah?

They're locked outside.

So what?

He has our coats.

The key to the bike lock
is in my coat pocket.

So we need our coats.

Yeah.

- We do.
- I don't know, do we?

Walk back without coats and bikes?
What is that, two miles?

No, I think it's four.

It's a little over the top, but I'm...

I'm fine. I'm fine to walk, yeah?

- It's stuck.
- Unlock it.

There's no lock.

What? Pull harder.

Here. Here.

All right.

Is he still there?

Didn't we hear him leave?

Are you sure?

Should we ask him for help?

No.

Can you fit through this?

You crazy?

Um, we should try Sister Hall, okay?

Or Elder Kennedy, just so
they know where we are.

It's not going through.

It's the storm. Keep trying, okay?

Okay.

We ask for help, hmm?

It'll be fine.

Mr. Reed?

And there they are! Welcome.

Mr. Reed, you have been
too generous with your time.

Sister Paxton and I were just saying
what a pleasure it's been.

Um, but we just got off
the phone with Sister Hall,

and she needs us to return to the church.

- Oh! Oh, well...
- Unfortunately, yeah.

I won't keep you if you wish to leave.

We've been summoned back.

Yeah.

Damn it! Damn it, 'cause we were just
getting started, weren't we?

You know, you had me thinking

that maybe you were
onto something with your visit.

I've been impressed, but I understand.

Uh, yeah, your coats are here,
hanging on the back of the pew.

Excuse me one moment.

Yeah.

Key.

So... so we just, uh, need your help
with the door. Um...

It's... it's a little tricky.

I'm sorry?

I think your door is
a bit stuck out there.

The door won't open.

The front door?

Yeah, the front door won't open again.

It opened when we came in.

Yeah.

Maybe if you unlock it, it will open?

No, no, I... I... I understand
what you're asking me, but, uh,

the dead bolts are on a timer.

I got carried away with our conversation,

I didn't realize the brace had been set.

I should have pulled the pin
when you came in, but I forgot.

So if you are now
regrettably ready to leave,

you'll have to exit
through the back of my house.

Uh, where?

Just through here.

Well, can you just unlock
the front one, please?

We would like to go that way.

Just so we don't get turned around
and confused when we get outside.

Yeah, it won't open again till morning.

Please, sir?

Oh, I'm sorry.

I promise you,
it's safe to leave this way.

Huh?

It's a little unusual to have a door
that, um, locks on a timer?

Uh...

Yes, well, I see that.

Yeah.

And it's...

Well, it's a little unusual
that it can't be unlocked.

No, I-I-I know.

I am self-aware enough to know
how this might look.

Older man, two young women in his house,

but I assure you, you are welcome to leave
through... through the back.

You saw my house from the outside, right?

- Mm-hmm.
- Right!

So, you know it's a tiny footprint.
The back of the house is just there.

Yeah.

Anyway, I will leave you space
to make your decision freely.

Yeah.

To clarify, I am trying...

have been trying very hard
to make it a point not to pressure you,

so you shouldn't even feel the need
to fabricate a story

about someone from your ward
calling you to leave.

It's perfectly fine.

You can leave when you want.

It wasn't an excuse, they do need us back.

No, I know, but you're saying you
took a call with someone from your ward.

Yeah, a moment ago.

But when you came inside,
I asked if you were okay

with the metal in the walls and ceilings.

What do you mean?

I mean that the metal
obstructs cell phone signals,

so I do know you didn't take a call. But...

Just to be clear,
so you're comfortable,

it is totally fine for you
to leave on your own accord.

You never need to feel like
you have to...

make excuses or... or tell me little...
little... little white lies.

So which door takes us outside?

Pfft.

Well...
do you have a preference?

Wh... Why would I have a preference?

Should we have a preference?

That is a fair question.

Not to be completely weird,

but can your wife
please just step in the room,

say hello and walk us
to the back of the house?

I'm not trying to be silly,

I promise, I'm really not,

but there are rules we follow,
and we were up-front with them.

I will ask. Yeah.

Can I ask you a question first?

Do you...

still believe that my wife
is in the next room?

Despite all the evidence to the contrary,

the scented candle,

the absence of an oven with blueberry pie?

Or have you been politely indulging a lie?

If you still believe that
she's in there, I'll go ask,

but it's something
I want you to think about

and maybe think about
in the context of your beliefs.

Do you believe in God because

somebody told you at an impressionable age
that God is real,

despite having doubts
as you got older, despite...

seeing evidence to
the contrary your whole lives?

When your father lost control of his body,

did you think it was
God's plan to ruin his life?

Or did you go on believing something
that you know is not true

just to give you comfort

because you were afraid
of what it might mean if it was all a lie?

I put the scented candle on the table

because I wanted you to think
about the things that you believe

just because somebody
asked you to believe them.

Can...

Can we use your phone?

Please?

I... I don't have a telephone.

You have a really
beautiful home, Mr. Reed.

It's like a church in here.

Did you build it yourself?

My wife built it.

We're gonna leave

through the back of your house.

Now, is that okay?

Of course.

Just like you said, it's okay,
and we can leave, right?

That's right.

What is it?

Sister Barnes?

That's a basement.

It doesn't look like this goes outside.

I think that you can
tell that we're regrettably

uncomfortable with this situation
here tonight.

I'm sorry, but didn't you just
say a moment ago

that you saw the outside of my house?

So then you clearly saw...

that the back of my house
overhangs a hill,

so you would know that you have to go
doon...

in order to go oot.

I think it would be best for you
and for all of us

if you could help us go home because

the Stake President,
he knows where we are,

and the Ward Missionaries know,

and, well, they'll be expecting us.

And there were witnesses,
weren't there, Sister Barnes?

On our way here,
we passed a police officer?

Whoa! The police?

I promise you, you're getting
way, way, way, way too worked up.

Right.

But I think that we're scared
because you lied to us earlier.

Do you want me to help?

You asked me earlier if you should
have a preference between the doors.

I think you should.

I think it's something
you should consider very carefully,

and then make the right decision.

Do you want me to help you?

Yes.

Okay.

Then, please,

come and stand here.

Over you come.

Just here.

That's it.

It's a simple choice.

But it should not be made simply.

I need you to reflect very, very deeply
and then make a sincere decision.

Have you ever played
the Parker Brothers game, Monopoly?

Monopoly is currently
published in 47 languages.

They sell it in over 114 countries.

They say over a billion people
have played Monopoly.

But I'm guessing that only a fraction
of that billion have actually finished it.

Maybe that reminds you of something else?

Just a thought.

This is what most people mean
when they hear "Monopoly."

There's the pewter avatars.

Everyone has their favorite.
I shall not tell you mine.

Meow!

There's the pastel money
in various denominations,

and, of course, the jail.

Now, this next part is very important.

Have you ever played
the 1904 board game called

The Landlord's Game?

It is very nearly identical to Monopoly
in every fundamental way.

There's the jail. There's free parking.

There's fines and fees. There's penalties
for landing on other people's properties,

and the ultimate goal
of forming monopolies

to force your opponent out of the game.

What do games have to do with us leaving?

Everything.

The Landlord's Game was designed by
American feminist Elizabeth Magie,

almost three decades before
a heater salesman from Philadelphia,

Sister Barnes,
changed the name to Monopoly

and sold the concept as his own
to Parker Brothers in 1935.

This chap was called Charles Darrow,

went on to become the first
millionaire games designer

in the history of the world,

while poor old Elizabeth Magie died
without ever being credited for the impact

she had on American culture.

I'm talking to you

about iterations.

I need you to have
a very basic understanding of iterating,

because I'm going to make
a very disturbing claim tonight.

It will make your stomachs sink a little
and your hearts beat faster.

It will make you sick.

It may even, I'm very sorry,
make you want to...

to die.

Have you heard this song before?

You just played it.

No, I mean before tonight.

Mm-mmm.

I disagree!

I think you've heard it
many, many times before,

but we will come back to that.

You are, are you not, monotheistic?

We believe in Heavenly Father, yes.

Okay.

There are three major
monotheistic religions,

Judaism, Christianity and Islam.

I call them, "The Big Three."

Judaism, i.e., "The Original Edition."

Christianity, i.e.,
"The Most Popular Edition,"

and Islam,

"The Newer, Second Most Popular Edition."

May I see your Book of Mormon, please?

I'll give it back.

Thank you.

And finally, after 800 years, this!

Mormonism, i.e.,

"The zany regional spin-off edition."

These are all iterations
of the same source material.

These texts share many
of the same characters and histories,

albeit presented
with different meanings and perspectives.

So no, I will not accept...
that you stand there

and tell me that you've never heard
"The Air That I Breathe" by The Hollies,

when I know that you have
heard "Creep" by Radiohead.

Oh, yes, you have. Come on.

♪ But I'm a creep ♪

Yeah?

♪ I'm a weirdo ♪

Okay! "What the hell am I doing here?"

I know these are things
you are thinking right now,

but they're also lyrics
you recognize, yes?

Yes?

The Hollies filed a plagiarism lawsuit
against Radiohead,

which they later settled by proving
that the melody and rhythm of

"The Air That I Breathe"
appear in "Creep."

How old are you? 19 or 20?

- Something like that. Okay.
- Hmm.

So maybe you know Lana Del Rey,

who remarkably was sued by Radiohead

for plagiarizing "Creep"
in her 2017 song "Get Free."

Iterations.

Over time.

Diluting the message.

Obscuring the original.

Judaism is the OG monotheistic religion.

It should, by a wide margin,

have the most number of
practicing members.

And yet, it makes up only 0.2%
of the world's population.

Why is that?

Why is the original less popular
than the iteration?

Is it any less true than the others?

Are we talking about religion
or board games or music?

Yes.

It has the fewest members
because it doesn't advertise.

It doesn't have people like you,

knocking on doors,

selling people a better life,

a better board game, a better song.

You ever think about that?

How missionaries are really just
salespeople for an organization?

The product you're selling is an idea.

You knock on my door and you sell,
maybe I buy, maybe I don't buy.

Those are the rules of engagement
when I invite you into my house.

We are negotiating
a transaction of ideologies.

And what I'm trying
to say to you tonight

is that I have an idea which
I would like to sell to you.

My argument
is that the holy texts which we revere

are just mythological
iterations of stories

which ancient people have been
telling each other for centuries.

They're not true or real
in any literal sense.

They are merely a conduit
to a more ancient truth.

The story of a savior...

who was born to a virgin,

who could perform miracles

and was supernaturally resurrected,

was a very popular story

for at least a thousand years
before Jesus was born.

One of them has blonde hair,
one of them's brunette,

both dressed similar.

No. Never stopped by.

Mithras performed miracles.
He was marked by the sign of the cross.

Horus, walked on water,

was crucified, had 12 disciples.

Krishna, he was a carpenter,
born to a virgin,

baptized in a river, rose from the dead

and ascended into heaven.

This little gallery depicts 12 gods

who were born on December the 25th,

all of whom predate
the existence of Jesus.

I am sorry,

but it is impossible to ignore
the influence

of one narrative upon another,

or to ignore the fact
that all these stories iterate into...

Star Wars: Episode I - The Phantom Menace.

Can you imagine,
thousands of years from now,

people accepting Jar Jar
as a significant religious figure?

Beg your pardon?

Jar Jar. Jar Jar Binks.

Jar Jar! Ex-squeeze me.

Never mind.

It is all terrifying, isn't it? I'm sorry.

It is.

It is all...

Scary.

I'm scared.

I'm scared just saying it
out loud, really.

If God is real, and he watches
when we masturbate,

and he has such a fragile ego
that he only helps us

when we beg him
and shower him with praise,

and he hates gay people
for being what he made them to be,

well, that's terrifying.

If there's no God

and we're just horny, microscopic ants
floating on a rock through space

with no divine purpose and no
hope to achieve eternal life, well...

that's terrifying too.

"Either the church is true
or it is a fraud.

It is the church and kingdom of God,
or it is nothing."

Do you agree with that?

Would it help if I told you
this is Gordon B. Hinckley,

the 15th President of your church.

- Do you agree with Gordon?
- Yes.

- Mm-hmm.
- Thought you might.

So either it is all true

or none of it's true, yes?

- Yes.
- Mm-hmm.

Okay.

Then I want you to choose which door
to go through based on your faith.

Are... are you asking us

for us to deliberate
our belief in the church?

Is that a factor which will correspond
to us going home?

I'm asking you
to choose between belief...

and disbelief.

My own claim is that all
10,000 verifiable religions

that exist in the world today

are as artificial as the symbolic church
you are currently standing in.

It is farce.

There is nothing holy here.

Your religious text is mere ornament...

as hollow and as capitalistic
as these ridiculous games.

I want to know what is going
to happen to us before we choose.

I don't even know
how to begin to answer that question

if it hasn't happened yet.

Wow, Mr. Reed,

you've introduced
a lot of interesting points.

I think we can admit
that you're a very smart man

and we still have a lot to learn.

So with that, I would like to agree
that you've...

convinced us,

and we'd like to leave
through the disbelief door

and go home now.

Ready, Sister Barnes?

Sister?

Sister Barnes?

I think we should listen
to our super neat and thoughtful host

and choose the right door?

You know, choose the "right"?

Like they taught us in primary?

It doesn't matter what you say to him.

He's not gonna let us go
just because we admit he's right.

Let's just get out of here while our host
is being gracious enough to let us leave.

I think that
we're being studied.

I think he wants to learn something
about us based on which door we open.

Is that the game?

Someone scratches their neck,
and he's watching.

We say the wrong thing,
and he stumbles on his words.

A candle flame flickers,
and it captures his attention.

What have you been looking for?

What have you found?

If I'm right,

then the only thing that matters right now
is what we actually believe.

And because I think your rhetoric is thin,

and your garage sale board game metaphor
is kind of offensive.

I mean, you asked why Judaism only
makes up 0.2% of the world's population

but didn't even pause for the Holocaust.

You make no acknowledgement
of the religious persecution

Jewish people have faced.

You just use it as a setup
to a punch line about missionaries.

And then, you skip over the fact
that none of this addresses Islam,

as Muslims don't even believe
Christ was resurrected.

And then, you point out
all the similarities

these mythological gods have with Jesus,

but breeze over
the many glaring differences!

One of these guys
has a freaking bird head!

I don't think that my point of view

fits into belief or disbelief.

I think there's an entire spectrum
that your game is neglecting.

So it doesn't matter
what I believe, does it?

Sister Paxton, do you still
believe in God?

Yes.

Then let's leave through here.

Let's be honest and sincere

and let God decide
what happens next for us.

Okay, we're leaving now.

Thank you for all your mentorship,

and thank you for letting us leave.

Are you coming too?

Sister...

It's okay.

One step at a time. We'll go slow.

Sister Barnes, there's nothing.

It's all blocked off.

What do you think he wants?

Is he gonna keep us here forever?

No, he's too smart. He...

He knows an Elder will check on us, and...

which means he'll either have
to let us go or...

kill us.

From now on, if he lands
a philosophical point

that we don't agree with,
we challenge him.

We make him think.

He doesn't have to steamroll us.

We might not be a physical threat,

but we can be an intellectual one.

I think that window has a cage on it.

You're right.

He's coming. He's coming.

Take this.

Take this. Put it back where it was.

If anything happens, you take this,

and you stab him in the neck
as hard and as fast as you can.

- No! No, no!
- It has to be you.

He's watching me too closely.

- He won't expect us to do it.
- Sister, no!

Okay. Let's have a code word. Okay? Um...

Hey, if I say "magic underwear,"
that means stab. Okay?

He's coming.

Magic underwear.
That's the code word. Okay?

Mr. Reed?

Mrs. Reed?

Is that you?

What's happening to her?

♪ But I'm a creep ♪

♪ I'm a weirdo ♪

Mr. Reed?

Where are you?

No.

I had to be sure
before I introduced you to her.

Sure about what?

You are now in the presence

of a living prophet of God.

The reason I invited you
into my sanctuary tonight

is because I have been shown a miracle.

I believe this miracle is proof

that all known religions
are demonstrably false,

and only an ancient echo
of something true.

I need a witness, you,

to verify that the miracle is real.

Now, our family recipe
for blueberry pie is,

I think, a traditional one.

The ingredients include
butter, flour, corn starch,

sugar, lemon,

blueberries, of course,

but tonight I've also included
some wolfsbane

and some belladonna,

which means that, in a short while...

the Prophet will be dead
from consuming the pie.

Then,
you will witness a miracle.

By the grace of God,

she will be resurrected.

Now, feel her pulse, please.

Both of you.

I need you
to feel her pulse right now!

Acknowledge, please,
that her heart has now stopped pumping.

Do you know how to do that?

Index and middle finger
on the side of the neck,

in the soft, hollow area
just beside the windpipe.

Both of you, please,
lift her head to be sure.

She moved!

She moved!

That was
just a catalytic spasm.

She's alive!

No! No, no. Not yet.

Chemicals being released into her body.

Acknowledge, please,
that there's no pulse.

Acknowledge!

- No. No pulse.
- No pulse.

Thank you. Acknowledge
that she is no longer breathing.

Do you feel a breath?

No. No.

- So she's dead.
- Yes.

Okay.

Thank you.

A moment longer, and you will
witness a resurrection.

She'll return and she will tell us
what she saw in the afterlife.

Has the Prophet moved?

No.

Hello?

- No. No.
- Mm-mmm.

All right. Just un momentino.

Only a moment longer.

The Elders?

- We scream.
- We scream.

But not until
he answers the door.

- He's coming back.
- Scream! Scream!

Coming!

Ah! Sorry! I was at the back.

- No, I'm sorry to bother you.
- No.

I'm just in the neighborhood looking for
two young ladies from my church.

Oh.

Is everything all right?

He can't hear us.

I'm sure everything's fine,

I was just wondering if they...

stopped by.

No. I'm sorry to say,

you are the first house caller
I've had all day, sir.

- Did you see this?
- It's locked.

Help.

Help.

We can pull the rug.

The matches.

We start a fire,

smoke out the speaking pipe to make sure
the Elder knows we're here.

Okay.

But you did ask for more information
on the church, correct?

Uh, this... this is the which church?

The Church of Jesus Christ
of Latter-day Saints.

Yes, yes, yes, yes.

Pull. Careful.

Is there some other way I can help?

Do you want to use my phone,
call the police?

- I could get my coat...
- No, no. That's fine.

and come help you look around.

No, no, no, no, no.
I'm sure they're not far.

Uh, thank you for your time.

All right, well, good luck.
Yeah, I mean that.

- Okay.
- Uh-huh.

No.

He's coming!

Yeah? Yeah? Any luck?

She moved.

- What do you mean?
- When we were gone.

No, you're remembering it wrong.

She hasn't moved at all.

Her head is different.

- That's where she was!
- It's not!

Sister, that's not
how I remember it. Please!

Please, just come on! Help!

Hold the sleeve up.

I'd be remiss if I didn't
ask you one question.

Have you received this booklet?

I have not,

but I will give it a look-see.

- Try another.
- Come on.

Focus.

Faster.

Conductor...

says my name.

White clouds.

Not Heaven.

They unplug

my brain.

It is...

not...

real.

And, thank you, Prophet.

We are very grateful for your passage
to the other side.

Your prophecy will be recorded
into our liturgical texts, yes?

Come. You must be exhausted.

Take my arm.

Well, now.

You see, this is
rather interesting because...

I know that one of you has been lying

since you first got here.

And do you know how I know that?

Excuse me, can I... can I take that?

I know from the way
that the fire reacts to each of you.

A.

B.

Yeah. One of you has
a very, very...

very big secret,
but we will know more soon.

There will be before you saw
a woman die and come back to life,

and there will be after.

Books will be written about it.

So choose your words
very carefully when I ask,

what did you witness?

Tell me. Tell me what you saw.

How did she...

I don't know...

And if you didn't
see something transcendental,

you absolutely must tell me.

I don't know.

'Cause if I'm wrong, I need to hear it.
That's why you're here.

It's a contrived experiment.
We are your prisoners!

- It doesn't make sense...
- Oh, pooh!

- We're all prisoners together.
- for us to have an opinion!

You must know by now that
any of us can leave whenever we want,

but why would we want,
after what we've seen?

I saw it. I saw it.

I heard her describe
what she experienced on the other side.

Great! What did you hear?

She said there was a conductor.

- Yes.
- Did she mean angel?

Yeah.

She had a feeling of disassociation,

a feeling that something wasn't real.

That's it.

So now you know.

Now, we know?

Yeah, now, you know.

Know?

I can show you God.

If you're willing to die.

It can be painless. It can be temporary.

Like the Prophet, you can be brought back.

It doesn't have to be frightening at all.

I'll tell you what's frightening.

Not knowing is frightening!

Where do we come from?
What are we doing here?

What's our purpose?

The terror of those questions
is why religions exist.

I can answer those questions for you.

I can give you a comfort
no religion in the world

is capable of giving you.

It all makes sense now.

I've been asking myself all night,

how is he gonna make killing us our idea?

Sister Barnes, you're in a muddle.

I know. I can't tell
if you're playing chess or checkers.

Monopoly!

Come on, it was right there.

You didn't show us a miracle.

Okay, what did I show you?

That wasn't a miracle.

So you say.
What did I show you?

That was not a miracle!

What did I show you?

It was a magic trick.

A magic trick?

You wanna know why
we don't talk about Taco Bell?

It killed me when I was four years old.

Fifty people were hospitalized
from an E. coli outbreak.

The kids at school called me Taco Hell

'cause I was clinically dead

while doctors operated on my kidneys.

When I was dead,

I saw exactly what your prophet described.

A blinding white light,

clouds, but not Heaven,
a sense of wanting to return,

a feeling that my state
of reality wasn't real.

That wasn't a prophecy.

That was a near-death experience.

When the oxygen leaves your brain
or your heart stops pumping,

your mind creates unbelievable things.

I think you've been keeping this woman
on the edge of death

in order to ask her questions
about meaningless hallucinations

so that you can substantiate your idea
of what the one, true religion really is.

Did you know

that when you remember something,
you're really only remembering

the last time you remembered
that experience?

You're not actually recalling the event.

So your memory of dying
at Taco Bell...

isn't really of dying,

it's of the memory of the memory of the
memory of the memory of the memory...

stop me... ...of that event.

So you're remembering a false correlation
with the experience you've just witnessed.

But this, this is happening right now!

That's why I think,
Sister Barnes, Sister Paxton,

that you really need to pay attention

because I promise you...
we're not talking about a magic trick.

No,

we're talking about magic underwear...

Help me! Help!

She'll come back to us!

I promise!

Sister Paxton, do not be scared!

She will rise again.

Challenge him.

Debate.

Challenge him.

Come on, now, Sister B.

Wakey-wakey!

Whoa, whoa, whoa,

whoa, whoa, whoa! No, that's not it.

That's not it. That's a mucky pup.

Let's have that.

Moments. It'll be moments.

Let's have one of your drumrolls, yeah?

Whoop!

Hey!

I'm very sorry.

Something is wrong.

I'm now worried...

that she's not

coming back to us.

Yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, yeah.

Yep.

Yep.

Yeah.

There it is.

No, it isn't. That was a vein.

Aha! Aha. Aha.

The implant.

This is why she can't come back to us.

Take a look!

I'm very sorry.

But Sister Barnes, she's a program.

She's not real.

Do you know what gave it away?

The candles.

What are you saying? I don't understand.

No, no, I know. I know. I know.

How could you?

Can you explain it to me?

Are you, Sister Paxton,

familiar with the Daoist concept

of "The Butterfly Dream"?

A butterfly...

A butterfly flaps its wings
and causes a typhoon?

That is "The Butterfly Effect."

Common mistake. No.
"The Butterfly Dream"...

concerns an ancient Chinese philosopher
who asked himself the following question.

"Was I a man dreaming
I'm a butterfly, or am I now..."

"a butterfly dreaming that I am a man?"

Come and sit down.

Come on. Here.

This is us.

You and me alone together.

That was Barnes.

Bye-bye, Barnes.

I have come to a dark realization

that we exist inside
a simulation so advanced

that we cannot tell the difference
between real life and artificial dream.

You heard the Prophet.
She said, "It is not real."

You see, fire dynamics
are very difficult to render.

I've noticed this anomaly in its behavior
when it interacts with simulated NPCs,

like poor old Sister B.

She couldn't come back to us,
but when you die,

finger, please,
you will pass through death

and wake up...

into the real world.

What do you think?

Yes, no, maybe?

Um...

That's a theory.

Well, yeah, you're very welcome to...

to challenge my premise. I love that.

Go for it.

I don't think this is a microchip.

Oh?

I think it's a contraceptive.

A... a birth control implant.

Huh.

Tell me, have you ever met

a Mormon missionary
who was on birth control?

Did "Sister Barnes" say
she was on birth control?

Our church would've made her
feel ashamed about it,

and she would've been too embarrassed.

- Simulation theory is...
- Ah!

"Hypothesis," please.
Sorry, it doesn't matter.

Simulation hypothesis
is not testable, is it?

No, it's a matter of belief,
like any religion.

You either believe it, green door,

or you don't believe it, purple door.

With all due respect,

I...

I don't believe it.

I'm not smart enough
to say why, I just don't.

Do you believe the miracle
that I showed you?

Yes.

- Yeah?
- At first.

But now?

I think something happened tonight
that you didn't expect.

It feels like you're improvising,

trying to convince me of
a simulation theory that's not sticking.

Am I right?

Uh... ...are you asking me
if you're right that I am improvising

or you're right that
the simulation narrative is not sticking?

Yes.

High-five.

So, in fact, you agree with your friend.

You think that the Prophet
was just hallucinating

a meaningless, near-death experience.

No.

I think you switched the bodies.

I just haven't figured out how yet.

I switched...

the bodies?

The doorbell rang when the Elder got here.

Which drew our attention to the stairs.

You would have been prepared for that.

When we came back downstairs,

I noticed the woman wasn't in
the same position as before.

It was similar...

Her head is different.

but it was not the exact same.

I think another woman
who looked exactly like her

came into the basement
through a hidden door or something,

disposed of her body and then
took her place at the table.

I see.

And then, once we got back downstairs,

she read off a scripted prophecy
that you prepared for her.

Except the last thing she said was,
"It is not real."

not real...

Maybe she was trying to tell us
that the miracle wasn't real.

Ah.

You see what I mean when I say
something happened that you didn't expect?

I think you gave her a script,
and she went off the book,

and now you're trying to recover.

Well, if that's right, then, uh,

there'd have to be another way
into this basement, yeah?

Shall we have a look?

I don't think there is.

No.

I'm not doing very well,

Sister Paxton.

Unless...

Which means that...

there would have to be a dead body
down there if you were right, huh?

Correct.

How will you test your theory?

I don't know.

But will you go into that hole
and see if there's somebody down there?

If I have to.

Why would you do that?

Because I want to know the truth,

and because the only way out is through.

Robert Frost?

Swamp Thing.

Don't go into that cellar...

unless you are prepared

to discover the one, true religion.

I knew it.

Hey.

Sorry about the cold.

Have you figured it out yet?

I think so.

So what is it?

What is the one, true religion, Sister P?

It's...

When we first arrived,

you left us alone in your living room.

We thought you were talking to your wife,

but you were doing something else.

I was.

You took a key
from Sister Barnes's coat,

went outside to unlock
our bikes and hide them.

I noticed your hair was wet
when you came back with the drinks,

like you were out in the storm.

You did this, I assume,
because you didn't want

the Elder to find our bikes
when he came back looking for us.

But there was something else on your mind.

There was.

You returned the bike key
to the wrong coat pocket.

We thought this was a mistake you made.

Key.

But now I know it wasn't.

Why?

You gave the bike lock
to one of your prophets,

instructed them to lock
the final cellar door with it.

But why, why, why? Why did I do that?

Because you wanted me to know

the only reason
I'm standing here right now

is because it is exactly
where you want me to be standing.

I'm not here because I chose to be.

I'm here because you made me choose to be.

Oh.

Because you want me to believe
the one, true religion is...

control.

That is exactly right.

Religion is just a system of control.

It's okay.

I'm gonna help you.

No, you see, that's what's so interesting.
They don't want your help.

They... ...they are exactly
where they chose to be.

But you killed that woman.

I disagree.

She... She chose to eat a poisoned pie
because of her profound faith.

It is called drinking the...

Anyone?

Kool-Aid.

It is true
that I keep these ladies a little chilly,

and a little peckish,

for which I am very sorry. Sorry, ladies.

But only for the same reason

that your church goes to Haiti
to give out Bibles after a hurricane.

It's easier to control

someone who has lost...

everything.

You're absolutely right.
She did go off-book.

Why do you do this?

The question is,

why do you all let me?

Sorry...

You are here because the ideas of others

have influenced every single
decision you've made

since the day you were born,
and I've been able to predict

every decision you would make
tonight because of that.

You have allowed them
to dictate every decision of your life.

They decide who you worship,

where you worship, what you worship.

They even dictate the garments
you wear under your clothes.

The what?

Your magic underwear.

No... No...

No.

Pray...

Pray.

Pray for us.

Praying...

doesn't work.

Have you ever heard of
the great prayer experiment?

They divided patients into groups.

Those who received prayers
and those who didn't.

The results of the study were conclusive.

It doesn't work.

But I think it's beautiful
that we all pray for each other...

even though we all probably know
it doesn't make a difference.

It's just nice to think about
someone other than yourself.

Even if it's you.

I'm grateful for all the trials
you've given me in my life.

And for your path
that you've laid out for me.

Quiet.

Goodbye, Sister.