Original subtitles

- Keep 'em closed. No peeking! - Okay, okay.

- [Harley] Ta-da! - [gasps]

- Wow! You did all of this? - [exclaims]

[Harley] Well, me and a handful of bitchy decorators

that Lena introduced me to.

[gasps] It's so pristine.

[Harley gasps] You like it?

Oh, my God! Are you kidding?

Do you know how horny I get for a clean, shiny surface?

[gasps] And this farmhouse sink?

No more washing baking trays in the tub, am I right?

And...

- I got you a little housewarming gift. - [gasps]

You got coasters with our faces on them?

So we never stain in the overpriced coffee table.

I have never been more in love with you

than I am right now.

[both moan]

Now, how about we open up a bottle of wine,

put glasses on those sexy coasters,

and have sex on every inch of this place?

[both moaning]

- [doorbell rings] - No one's home!

- [doorbell ringing] - Ugh, damn it!

Ugh, I swear to God, I'm gonna kill--

[gasps]

King Shark! What are you doing here?

Oh, you know me, girl.

Just cultivating an attitude of gratitude.

[Poison Ivy clears throat]

On second thought, you know what? Tell me tomorrow.

Ives and I were just about to get it on,

and we've got about 30 seconds before the river runs dry.

Oh, speaking of, I have a date

with a lady shark friend, and... [chuckles]

Hang on. Did you come all the way

to Metropolis just for a date?

Wow. Must be a serious piece of tail.

No! I mean, yes, but, no!

I actually moved here for these little miracles.

- [indistinct screaming] - The property taxes are murder,

but it's worth it for the schools.

They have a Dutch Immersion program!

- [munching] - Hey, hey, little shit! Stop it.

[laughs] Can't stop myself!

Oh, pretty soon, he'll be able to say that in Dutch.

What's Dutch for, "What the fuck, we just spent a fortune on this place"?

You have a tranquilizer gun for that one, or what?

[King Shark] I know, he's a finful.

Anyway, I'll be back to pick 'em up later tonight.

Whoa! We are not babysitting.

Hey, it's not called babysitting

when you're their godmothers.

And since every nanny has quit or filed a restraining order,

you two are my last resort.

Yeah, I can't promise they'll be alive when you come back.

More likely they'll kill you before you kill them,

unless they eat peanuts.

If they have peanuts, they will die.

Are there nuts in this house?

I mean, besides you two, of course. [laughs]

Have fun now!

Yeah, well, I'm gonna give them lots of peanuts!

[King Shark] No, you won't, Auntie Harley!

- [glass shatters] - Oh, damn it. What are we gonna do?

Uh... I don't know what you're gonna do,

but I'm going to go meet Lena at the university.

What? You're leaving me with these creatures?

Hell, yeah, I am. You're gonna do great.

I love you. Bye.

- [groans] - [thuds]

[theme music playing]

Girl, you are gonna love the dean.

You mean he's gonna love me?

[both laugh]

Oh, you are so bad.

I can't wait till you two smarties put your heads together.

You are gonna transform the Green Initiative project

and turn Metropolis into a paradise!

Uh, what'd you say his name was again?

This is Doctor--

Hi, Doctor Wood...

Pamela?

J... Jason.

You two already know each other?

[suspenseful music playing]

[grunting]

I... I gotta go.

I'll take care of this.

Ivy, what the hell was that?

Um, sometimes when I get nervous, the vines...

I don't give a shit about the vines.

I went out of my way to arrange this meeting today.

You can't just storm off like that.

You're right, and I'm sorry.

I just... I can't do this, so...

Hey, look at me.

Now, I don't know what happened between you and Doctor Woodrue,

but this is a big opportunity, Ivy.

So you need to shake this off and get your act together.

Uh, it's just that Jason and I have, like,

really complicated history, and...

It's like my grandmother always said,

you can't change the past--

No, I know that, but--

She also said you should smack people who interrupt you!

The point is, sweetie, you need to move forward.

You're a different person now.

- [sharks laughing] - [objects crashing]

Hey, hey, hey!

Who wants to watch videos on a cool new phone?

[all yelling]

[Shaun] This isn't a phone. This is a coaster

- with two old ladies on it. - What?

[Shaun] Hey, you can't keep us in here!

Dear God, I don't know if you're listening,

or even if I believe in you,

or if you'd even help me considering

I once rubbed it to Mother Teresa.

But listen, I was wondering if you could maybe

give me a hand just this once.

- [cell phone buzzing] - [gasps] God?

Aw, you flatter me.

Anyway, I just finished up with your other half,

and I wanted to check in on you.

Oh, I'm doing okay,

you know, just babysitting some delightful little sharks.

Stop eating the condo, you fuckers!

I'm sorry. You know how parenting can be.

Actually, I don't, but it sounds

like you have your hands full.

Ooh, I have a great idea. Bring them to the club.

I'm on my way there now,

and there's a kid's birthday party there.

It's fairy tale themed.

Like, with castles and fairy godmothers

who give away presents?

Jesus Christ!

You're gonna get splinters in your asshole.

And not from the door!

And a real life princess.

[gasps] Who!

Well, you know, you can always get Pippa.

Princess Pippa? I love her!

- [objects clattering] - [growls]

As they say in merry old England...

[in British accent] We'll be there in a jippee.

Yeah, they don't say that.

And if they did, they certainly wouldn't say it like that.

See you soon.

- Someone's toof fell off in my butt! - Ugh.

[inhales sharply]

Now, what daring student

wants to take a crack at answering my question?

Now, what daring student

wants to take a crack at answering my question?

Pamela, any thoughts on the structural differences

between the plant and human cell?

Just that we're wasting our time examining the differences.

- [laughs] Yeah. - Ooh.

I mean, what we should be looking at are the similarities.

Looking at mitochondria or even the splicing of the RNA.

I mean, it doesn't make sense to look at the differences

when they're more alike than anything else.

[bell ringing]

Pamela, please come see me.

Do you have to be so impossible?

I'm not impossible. I'm just right.

Hmm. What am I gonna do with you?

I mean, I have some ideas.

[both moan]

Stop. Stop.

Someone might see us.

- So what? - So what?

I could lose my grant.

I'm already on thin ice with these guys.

Oh, come on. Everyone knows how brilliant you are.

Yeah, right. All they see is a guy who's been here for years

and hasn't come up with a single original idea.

Well, I have one.

And it involves me waving you around third,

right into fourth base.

[laughs] Not a sports fan, are you?

How about we go someplace more private?

I think the lab is empty.

[bell rings]

- [Poison Ivy] Dr. Woodrue. - You came back.

Well, I figured if we have to work together--

Look, I know you must really hate me after how things ended.

Look... [sighs] I admit I was startled when I saw you.

But like my grandmother always says,

there's nothing you can do about the past.

Really? Oh, my God. This is such a relief.

So how about we just start fresh

and we focus on what's ahead?

[laughs]

How about I take you on a tour of the campus?

Great. Let's start with the lab.

The lab?

Aren't you full of surprises?

Oh, you have no idea.

Okay, guys, this is one of those fancy ass,

rich ass, stick up your ass type places.

So when we get inside, stay quiet, don't fuck shit up.

And most importantly, don't bother me.

[children chattering, laughing]

[sharks cheering]

[Harley gasping]

[screams in awe]

Ah, this is incredible.

- [gasps] Money really does buy happiness. - [cell phone beeping]

[Poison Ivy] Yeah, this is Ivy. Why are you calling?

Grow up and text me.

Ives, you've got to come to this place.

It's called the Vincent Edge Club.

I came to dump the little sharks

because God knows I'm not going to a kid's birthday party.

But this place is fucking magical!

They've got castles and tiny ponies and...

[gasps] Holy shit, it's Princess Pippa!

Wait a minute, you're not Pippa.

What the fuck did you do with the real Pippa?

Yeah, the fuck you do with the real Pippa?

You got a big mouth for such a shitty little shrimp.

Hey, I'm a shark, not a shrimp, right?

I thought I told you to go away.

I don't want to. I want to have fun with you.

But don't you see, little one,

what's fun for you isn't very fun for me.

So... what do you think?

It's so beautiful, I never want to leave.

Thank you for inviting me. Oh, my God.

Oh, that's what friends are for.

And what do you think, little fella?

Want to see my two penises?

[laughing, farts]

I'm so sorry, we normally keep him in his fish tank.

Oh, please. I can give you a list

of my favorite meds for kids.

- And if you take two, they're also for adults. - [cell phone dings]

Ugh, Humpty Dumpty just fell off the wagon.

I gotta go find a new egg. Excuse me.

Hey, Harley!

Bane! What are you guys doing here?

Well, we live here now.

The property taxes are murder,

but it's worth it for the schools.

Let me guess, the Dutch Immersion program?

That's right.

Goldi, say hello to Harley in Dutch.

[in Dutch] Hallo!

- Wow. - Mmm-hmm. I know, right?

So did you guys like formally adopt her or...

Well, you know how it is in these

"kids escape from a fairytale book" situations.

They are fictional, can't take care of themselves,

but the paperwork is easy.

And before you know it, you've adopted them,

bought a house in Metropolis

and are throwing them a fairy tale themed birthday party.

Oh, this is your birthday!

Do you like my princess dress? I think it's just right.

- [gasps] - Shaun!

You ruined my dress!

- [crying] - [laughs]

Can't stop myself. Watch me run!

He's a little hyper. He's just gotta run it out.

Oh, he's fine.

It's nice to have

a little youthful energy here at the club.

Ooh, Harley, you should join.

Honey, it's not like she could just join.

Why the hell not? What's wrong with me?

Nothing. It's just you have to be approved

and they're very selective.

Which is why I want in. I only want to be

in the kind of club that wouldn't have me as a member.

And this place is perfect. Who do I have to talk to?

Well, it's the Vincent Edge Club.

So you'll have to talk to Vincent.

How many times have I told you

not to leave scratch marks on my tile?

Now get out of my club! Sans walker! Give me that.

Oh, no. Oh! I'm all right.

That guy?

[old lady] Oh, no, I'm not.

Piece of cake. I'll have him charmed in no time.

Wow, you did all of this?

[Jason] Yeah, the Luthor grants have been pretty generous.

I mean, they must really believe in you.

I have not been in a lab in a long time.

I hate that I have to go so soon.

So don't.

Oh, it's already 20 after!

Maybe your watch is wrong.

This watch is never wrong.

So it's like me? [laughs]

No, you're much prettier, which says a lot

- because this is a damn nice watch. - [laughs]

Mmm. Come on, I want to show you something.

I haven't shown this to anyone yet.

[device beeping]

A plant?

You're not very observant for a professor.

Hey, Frank, wake up.

Oh, shit.

- Meet Frank. He's part plant, part human. - [yawns]

Holy fuck. That's amazing.

[mimics Jason] Holy fuck. Holy fuck.

Holy fuck! [laughs] How did you do this?

Um, so I've been infusing the soil with the special serum

that combines plant and human DNA.

He's cute, huh?

- [Jason] He just looks so fragile. Ow! - [growls]

[laughs]

He's actually tougher than he looks.

He can defend himself.

And plus, he's naturally impervious to pesticides

and most poisons.

This is brilliant!

I mean, this thing is going to change the world.

You know, he's not a thing. He's... He's Frank.

Do you really think so? I mean, I think so.

But, of course, I'm biased because I made him.

And I'm hoping he'll grow into his name.

So many great Franks out there...

Do you know what this could do for me?

What? For you?

This secures my grant.

[laughs] Hell, this secures every grant I could ever want.

I... I could be a billionaire.

But I'm the one who made him.

Okay, you stay right here

while I go find this guy. You got it?

Got it.

Thought I told you to stay under the painting.

I did. Now I'm here.

- Want to smell under my fin? - No!

- My feet? My butt? - No!

No, I told you to stay! Back! Here!

[screams] She's killing me!

I don't want to! [continues screaming]

Listen, you dumb minion of a shark.

If you fuck this up for me,

you will find the other end of my bat

so far up your blowhole...

- And now he's crying. Why are you crying? - [crying]

I don't have a blowhole!

[crying]

God damn it, Shaun!

That's not fair. You can't just steal him from me.

I'm not stealing anything from you.

He's my property. You made this under my tutelage.

And if you're worried about money, I'll take care of you--

[Poison Ivy] I don't give a fuck about money.

I want you to tell everyone this is my work.

Well, I'm... [chuckles] I'm not going to do that.

If you won't, I will.

Oh, come on!

And you think they'll believe you over me?

You're just a student.

Will you lower your voice? You're scaring him.

Frank, it's okay. Don't let him scare you.

We're gonna leave now.

You're not going anywhere with that.

- [grunts] - No!

[crying]

[both grunting]

- Ah! - [grunts]

- [glass shatters] - [thuds]

[Frank whimpers]

- [grunts] - [Frank screams]

[Jason grunts]

[Poison Ivy] What are you doing?

Unlock the door, we'll die in here!

Well, the plant won't. It's poison proof.

Remember?

Jason! Jason, unlock the door! [coughs]

Unlock the door!

[coughing] Don't worry.

None of this can hurt you, Frank.

Okay? You're safe.

I got you. You're going to be okay.

[coughs]

Maybe I will be, too.

[whimpering]

[grunts]

[groans]

[screams]

[glass cracking]

Shaun, you get back here right now!

Listen, I'll give you all the peanuts you want!

[Shaun] Daddy said no peanuts!

I'll give you whatever you want.

Just come back here. [screams]

[grunts]

Holy shit, you're Vincent Edge!

I was just looking for you!

Harley Quinn. And I'd like to be a member.

Huge fan of your club. Love how selective it is.

Also, saw what you did with that old lady's walker.

Ah, mwah, chef's kiss.

Anyhoo, do you have, like, an on-site masseuse?

'Cause beating people up wreaks havoc on my back.

If you don't, you definitely should.

That's what's great about me.

I'm really good at telling people about stuff

that they need, that they don't have!

Oh, and those sharks I came in with?

Yeah, they're my godkids.

You should meet them. They're absolutely adorbs!

[old lady] Shark attack!

- [indistinct screaming] - [alarm blaring]

- [Shaun] Can't stop myself! - [alarm blaring]

Goddammit, Shaun!

If you'll excuse me for just one second.

[grunts]

Hmm.

- [creaking] - Oh, shit.

Oh, what's the matter, Jason?

What, you don't like to have fun anymore?

- [grunting] - [glass shatters]

Look, look, look! Whatever you think

I did to you back in the day...

Oh, you mean how you trapped me,

- left me to die? - Please!

Too bad it didn't work out that way, did it? [grunts]

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait, Pamela. Calm down.

Calm down? Calm down, Pamela!

Because of you, people said I was a villain,

that I was incompetent,

that I fucked up my own experiment

and almost killed myself in the process!

And I tried to tell them the truth,

but you know what? You were right.

Why would they believe me

over the brilliant Professor Woodrue?

I trusted you.

I looked up to you.

I loved you!

I'm sorry, okay? I'm sorry!

I shouldn't have done what I did, but...

[stammers]

Look at you now. Look at how powerful you are.

You... You built a great life in Gotham.

You kept it tight.

- You, you, you-- - Shut up!

None of that happened because of you.

It happened in spite of you.

You're right. You were always smarter than me.

I mean, I couldn't keep up with you,

and that's why I did what I did,

which is not an excuse.

Unless you're okay with it being an excuse.

Okay, okay, okay! Okay, okay.

I can see that you're not okay.

I just ask that you find it in your heart to forgive me.

I'm a flawed guy. I'm not perfect.

Please, please give me a chance.

- Okay. - Okay, which part?

- I'll give you a chance. - Really?

Oh... Oh, I...

I knew you'd find it in your heart to forgive me.

You'll have the same chance you gave me.

[gasps]

What are you... What are you doing?

- Mmm. You smell that? - Wait, wait, wait.

- Ooh, this is a good batch. - What are you doing?

- Hints of ricin, cyanide, and sweet, sweet revenge. - No, no, no.

Pamela! Pamela! Pamela! Please!

It's Poison Ivy now.

- [screams] - [sizzling]

I killed you, motherfucker!

[clears throat]

- Hello there, nice shoes. Look at that top. - [cell phone buzzes]

Shit! Harley!

[Harley] You gotta get here! This is the greatest place

I've ever been to!

They have mini corn dogs and mini horses.

And mini corndogs dressed as horses!

I love you! I love metropolis!

I've never been this happy in my whole life!

- [cell phone beeps] - Ah, fuck.

[crying]

[indistinct yelling]

[man] Shark! Shark!

[sharks] Feeding frenzy! Feeding frenzy!

What the hell's going on?

That shark ate my waving arm!

I'll never wave again!

What the fuck, Shaun? Her waving arm?

Harley, in his defense, she had it coming.

I mean, the last guy who called me a shrimp,

I broke his back!

Oh. Then I guess she did have it coming.

And the rest of you, get out and dry off!

[groans]

Animal control! Freeze!

[all groan]

Nobody hurts my godsharks!

- [grunts] - [Harley grunts]

Oh, I see parenting day is going well.

[grunts]

Oh, you got my message!

I was just about to call you again.

Isn't this place great? So how was your day at school?

Ah, you know, same old, same old.

- So, wait... Ooh, that guy's still conscious. - Oh, thanks.

- [Harley] Eat noodles, bitch! - [grunting]

Come on, give me deets.

What in the Christian Hell is this?

Okay, okay, okay. I know what you're gonna say.

You're not invited to my club

because your kids dismembered one of the guests.

Blah, blah, blah. And I admit, maybe my godsharks

aren't perfect little angels for your perfect little club.

Maybe one of them did in fact bite the arm

- off fake fucking Pippa over there! - [Pippa impersonator crying]

Stop crying about your waving arm!

You still have your crown and your fake tits, Pippa!

Ooh, good one, Harls.

And I'm sure you want me to beg and plead

for you to let me into your stupid club.

Oh, Mr. Vincent, I'm so sorry we destroyed

- your stupid little fairy tale party. - [growls]

[babbles]

Yes, you are on fire, Harls. Keep it going.

Well, I have two words for you, Vincent.

And they're not "happy birthday,"

and they're not "use sunscreen," And they're not--

- Wrap it up, babe. - Gotcha.

They are "fuck you, Vincent!"

- That is three words. - Shh.

You and your disgusting children,

- especially that one-- - [Shaun] Hey!

Would make terrific members.

I think she's exactly what we need.

Lena, you can't be serious.

Look at what she's done to my natatorium!

Oh, you mean the Lena Luthor natatorium,

directly adjacent to the Lena Luthor Spa and Caldarium.

But the way she spoke to me--

Is refreshing.

Seeing someone stand up to the big boss,

we could really use a little of that around here.

Don't you agree, Vince?

Yes...

Oh, I did not see that coming.

You know, I think Lena might be

one of the nicest people we've ever met.

That's just because we don't know a lot of nice people.

Oh, come on. Admit it. You like her.

Fine. She has helped us out.

See? By the way, you never told me about your day!

Oh, you know what? Not so much to tell.

It's like academia stuff. It's like, bleh.

That's all you got for me, bleh?

No, actually. I also have this.

[Harley] Oh!

- And this. - Oh!

And...

Oh!

Go, go. Get out of here!

[Poison Ivy] Wait, did you say something?

Yeah, I said keep going.

Okay, I will!

Can't stop myself!

- Okay, so is this what it's like to have kids? - [objects clattering]

You just, like, never get to have sex again?

Okay, stay here. I'm gonna kill him.

You know you're gonna miss him

once King Shark realizes he's gone, right?

Me? Please.

That better not be a peanut in your mouth!

[sharks laughing]

[hissing]

[growling]

[theme music playing]

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