All language subtitles for Going.Dutch.S01E04.en

Let's go. Ball,
ball, ball, ball!

[grunting]

[man groans]

Yep! Nice!

Okay, colonel, we're up by
nine points, and BA's looking

a little bit
more concussed than usual.

-Maybe we should ease up a bit?
-No.

Iron sharpens iron.

[clapping]
Well, hello, basket boys.

Beige pants.
That's a strong choice.

Yeah, you look like
Skinny-the-Pooh.

Whenever you get
tired of your little game,

I would be happy to show you
a real game of hoops.

-Is that right?
-Of course it's right.

That is why I said it.

[dramatic music]

[instrumental music]

[Patrick] What the hell
are we watching?

So, it's like basketball

but without everything
that's good about basketball.

No jumping. No dunking.
No dribbling.

This is the dumbest thing
I've ever seen.

Correction. That's Korfball.

Korfball is a real man's game.

But also a real woman's game
because teams must be co-ed.

Yeah, so the hoop is
11 and half feet,

but there's no backboard.
So does anyone ever score?

Of course! Almost
eight percent of the time.

Oh, is that maybe not enough
for you Americans

and your insatiable hunger
for points?

Look at me!
I am eating all the points.

Yum yum yum!

They are deep fried
because I'm American.

Just walking around
the state fair

eating all my deep fried points
on a stick.

Does anyone have
any ranch sauce?

Okay, I am not gonna stand here

and let you insult
American excellence,

especially ranch.

Korfball is a true test
of depth perception

and gender equality.

And that's two things you
Americans are so terrible at.

-That's it.
-Oooh!

Ranch is one thing,
but insulting

American depth perception?
Ha-ha.

Not on my watch, pal.
Saturday noon here,

USA versus the Dutch

in a game of your little
stupid ball, okay?

Prepare to get your ass kicked
at your own dumb game.

[laughs] We're gonna have to
learn everything

about Korfball by Saturday.

Feels like what
I joined the Army to do.

-I hate this guy.
-Mmm.

[theme music]

[narrator]
So, you want to play Korfball?

Can't believe the answer
to that question is yes.

[narrator] Can you see
what else he did wrong?

I don't know,
she was being Dutch.

[narrator] Don't worry,
just remember the five do's

and 37 don'ts.

-Ugh!
-[scoffs] No.

Uh-uh, I'm gonna scroll ahead.

-Three and a half hours long?
-No.

-Sir, please.
-No way.

I'm not backing down
from a fight,

especially not with Jan,
so you need to find a way

for me to destroy that
Dutch waffle licker.

You know, that seemed
like it was gonna

be offensive, but I don't think

-it actually was.
-No, it wasn't.

I go right up to
the line... Hello.

-You wanted to see us, sir?
-Yeah.

Listen, we have
to play Korfball

and apparently need
two women to do that,

so we heard you guys
played Korfball before.

Mm-hmm. The Dutch love to watch

Americans get their ass beat.

Are you telling me
that you voluntarily submit

to a ritual humiliation

of our country
in a foreign land?

-No.
-No. No.

We participate in
a community bonding event.

-Oh. Mm-hmm.
-And it's so fun.

Okay, hold on.
Everyone gets a shirt.

Oh, and last year I made
friends with the Korf-boy.

He has this big midwinter horn

that he blows after every point.

And during the breaks
he plays jazz.

Which is a little strange

'cause the horn
only plays one note,

but the locals tell us
it's all about

the one notes he doesn't play.

Cool. I'm gonna stick that horn
right down his tiny throat.

Don't tell me you're gonna
get insane about all of this.

[Patrick] Jan poked a bear and
now I'm gonna gnaw his arm off.

And then I am
gonna make them beg

for their precious
government-funded euthanasia.

Can you imagine a country
so full of quitters,

they wanna quit life, and have
somebody else pay for it?

-Now that was offensive. Yeah.
-Hah! Yeah, yeah.

[instrumental music]

She liking the top hat?
I'm breaking her in.

Got a formal night at
the Stroopsdorf DFAC tomorrow.

I was not expecting to find
such a genuine American weirdo.

Now, how did someone like
you end up in the Army?

I was walking around
a mall, really high.

Recruiter waves me in, tells me

you can vape in the army,
which was a damn lie.

And wham, bam, thank you, ma'am,
Corporal Elias Papadakis.

Future American hero,
and I believe

age is nothing but a number.

Age is a number,
and that fact is not in dispute.

I'm Katja,
a friend of your colonel.

So am I.

-Oh, I doubt that very much.
-[laughs] Corporal?

-Oh, colonel.
-Take off the top hat.

Okay.

-Katja.
-Everyone in town

is talking about the Korfball
match this weekend.

They are very excited
to see the new colonel lose.

Really? I'm not actually, uh,
into the idea of defeat

in the name of
community relations

so you can tell everybody
we will not lose

because I don't lose.

Well, I continue to be astounded
at the size of your ego.

Oh! Well, what
do you say we, uh,

grab some Italian and
go back to my place?

Well, I would prefer to
go to your place first.

I like my food during
and after, but never before.

God, every word you say
is like poetry.

[instrumental music]

Oh, backward.

Okay, this is gonna get old,
real fast.

Yeah. [laughs]

USA! [groans softly]

-What's the spread?
-Doesn't matter.

These pogues just bet on America

straight up winning.

Their blind patriotism is
about to make me $1,500.

I can't believe you're betting
against your own team.

I can't believe you
can't believe it.

This ain't the Olympics.
We're bad at this.

Huh!

Now, four baskets in an hour.
That's how many we have.

Well, I guess you can't master
a foreign sport in an hour.

Which is why I said
we should just have--

I order you not to say
"have fun," okay?

Just enjoy ourselves.

You know, I know this good times
Captain Maggie thing

is 50% real and 50%
just to piss me off.

It's actually 100% real
and 100% to piss you off.

-Is it really?
-Yeah, yeah.

Okay, that's interesting
because the Rocket...

would never embrace losing.

[instrumental music]

Never.

[knocking]
Major, do you have a moment?

I don't know.
I'm really enjoying

these Korfball
instructional videos,

so I can only make time
for literally anything else.

[chuckles]

It's just...

the colonel called me
the Rocket...

which was my nickname
back in high school.

Yeah, when you played
basketball.

How would you know that?

How would he know that?

Your mom sent
newspaper clippings.

He used to hang 'em
on his wall in his office.

Like he was proud of me
or something?

He used to brag about it
all the time to the troops.

So, yeah, he was proud.

[chuckles]

[instrumental music]

[sighs] I buried the Rocket
a long time ago.

Okay.

Well, I need to memorize
this rule book.

Devise a foolproof plan
for victory.

And then I'm gonna call my mom
and tell her her baby boy

is living his dream
of protecting

the greatest nation on Earth.

Good talk.

[instrumental music]

Hello, old friend.

[Patrick] If I didn't know any
better, two nights in a row

I'd think you were sweet on me.

I always look forward
to our conversations.

That and your fantastic head
of hair.

Men your age often have
very sad plugs.

They look like a farm
where the crop is pubic hair.

Yeah, no, not this.
This is all natural.

It's held up by
three-in-one shampoo

and revenge against
my bald enemies.

But I must change our plans
for Saturday night.

I was invited to speak
at a seminar.

No, I don't mind. I-I enjoy
the fact that you're a polyglot.

And I enjoy that you know
the word polyglot.

Yeah, because General McChrystal
once called me that

when I was excelling at both
airborne and armor equally.

-And there's that ego.
-Yeah, I can't help myself.

Instead, I will see you
Saturday afternoon

to cheer for you.

-Uh-huh.
-And Bram.

-And who's Bram?
-The town baker.

He's very tall.

Very good at Korfball.

Anything I should worry
about there?

Don't be silly.

My relationship with him
is purely sexual.

Very different
than what we have.

-Yeah.
-That's not a problem, is it?

No. [scoffs]

Come on. Are you kidding me?

Two guys? I mean, that's,
you know, I-I'm a polyglot.

-Uh-huh.
-Yeah.

The gentleman sent this over.

-I wanna join your table.
-No.

[instrumental music]

Bram, stretched out...

-Colonel?
-Yeah. Ha!

All right, so yesterday
was terrible.

Today we're aiming
for just merely horrible.

I refuse to lose to
the Dutch,

-especially Jan.
-Hey, team.

-Hey.
-I hope you like passing drills.

We're gonna work fundamentals
for the next three hours.

That's more like it.

Whatever happened
to this being fun?

Oh, the colonel reminded me

that there actually is

nothing more fun than winning.

-Mm-hmm.
-So, we're gonna spend

the next 20 minutes
doing suicides.

-20 minutes?
-Yep.

-No.
-No.

-[both] No!
-[whistle blowing]

Okay.

[Patrick] You know, I think
this is the most fun

I've ever had with you since we
were throwing the ball around

in the backyard
when you were a kid.

We did that once when I was six.

You said I threw like a girl.

I yelled that I was a girl.

We fought for an hour
and never did it again.

So, this actually
was the most fun

we've ever had together.
Good job, Rocket.

-Thank you.
-Yeah.

There's more where that
came from.

[Patrick] Looking
forward to seeing it.

[upbeat music]

Rocket time!

Filming practice
so we can do video review?

-Brilliant.
-Papadakis, pause it there.

All right, can anyone tell me
what the problem is?

Anyone? Anyone? I'll jump in.

The problem is
you're all terrible.

Makes me want to kill myself
and then you.

Major, move your feet.

Sir, you run like
a 14-year-old girl

afraid to make her
new boobies jiggle.

-Okay? Okay, sorry.
-What the hell?

-That--
-[Patrick] No, listen.

First of all, don't apologize.

She did say sir.

And I'm loving this energy.

I'm not. Who are you right now?

I get it. You guys are all
used to Captain Maggie.

Everybody's friend.
Real sweetie pie.

But the old Captain Maggie can't
come to the phone right now.

She's dead.
This is the Rocket speaking.

High school basketball legend.
Two-time All-State.

Would have been three.
But I bit a girl.

-Damn, why?
-I was hungry.

-Okay.
-Now, colonel, you'll like this.

New tape. We're gonna watch
the other team's practice,

which I secretly recorded.
Their best player

is this weirdly
handsome town baker.

He is married to the game.

Which may or may not be
why he's getting a divorce.

Uh, do we have
the details on that? Like...

Hey, I just like my bakers to be
married and off the market.

That way they keep
their focus on the bread.

Moving on,
their second best player

is this tiny pregnant woman

who is, well, very tiny
and very pregnant.

That has got to give us
something to work with.

You wanna use a woman's
pregnancy against her?

I thought this game was
about gender equality.

It is. And as a feminist,
I'm gonna bulldoze her.

-That's my girl.
-[Abraham] Mm-hmm.

I'm starting to think
my money isn't safe.

I'm starting to think
that none of us are safe.

-Hey, pipe down, jiggly-boobs.
-Hey!

[Elias] Captain Maggie,
I am bored.

The Rocket has to find an edge.

Ooh, ooh.
Ah, Papadakis, pause it.

Jan is favoring his right leg.

Papadakis, pause it.

What, are you gonna be mean
to me now, Captain Maggie?

Don't do that. I can't take it.
You're like a mother to me.

Okay, I may be eight years
older than you.

You think you can sink
another shot?

Sure. Easy.

Did you play basketball?

I used to go out back and, like,
shoot for hours every day.

But get this,
my drunk uncle hung the hoop

-too high over the garage.
-Did he?

Yeah. If you ever need someone
who can hit an 11.5-foot net

every time without fail,
let me know.

[laughs]

Ow.

Whoo! Whoo!

[indistinct chatter]

[instrumental music]

Okay, everyone, it's go time!

Let's go.
[speaking in Dutch]

Ah, so, to quote the famous
Dutch jock, Jan,

boom, bam, bada, boom,
bada, boom, boom.

Are you all prepared for this?

[crowd] Yeah!

-God, I hate this country.
-Korf!

[horn blowing]

All right, guys, listen up,
okay?

Maggie and I just wanna
say one thing.

We're totally disappointed
in all of you.

Here's Shah with the game plan.

Okay, they have to cover
every player one-on-one

so we can create space
near the Korf basket

by placing a decoy at
the far edge of the court.

Oh, so we get the worst girl
to stand

in the corner and stretch the D.

She, he, or they
must keep moving.

So we take the worst girl and we
just make her run in circles.

And clearly, I'm
the worst girl, so I'll just--

Nice try, you're actually
too good to be the worst girl.

And I found out about your bets,

so I'm not gonna let you
throw the game.

Which is why I found her.

-Who is she?
-I've been here the whole time.

This is private, uh, someone.

-I do have a name. It's...
-No time, Private Someone.

Go practice your circles. Yeah.

Conway, you're gonna
ride the pine.

-[chuckles]
-Oooh!

Don't forget, guys,
the baker is all mine.

Time to hit the pole,
Betty Crocker.

-[horn blows]
-I'm so happy that

you're finally connecting
with your dad.

It's really nice to see
you guys getting along.

But also, it's awful
and I want it to stop.

Look, a lot of us just miss
the old Captain Maggie.

Oh, I don't know what to say.

Um, oh, yeah, I do, actually.

Ride the pine with Conway.

-Papadakis, you're in.
-Money.

[all] Hup, hup, hup, Holland.

Three, two, one.
Kill the Dutch!

[upbeat music]

-Dad, behind.
-What?

-[clanks]
-Ooh!

Nice!

[horn blowing]

[cheering]

-Woo-hoo!
-Come on!

[horn blowing]

[music continues]

[laughs]

[indistinct chatter]

[growling]

-Woo-hoo!
-[gasps]

[Maggie] Freak out, guys!

-Whoo!
-Oh, these points taste so good.

I wish I could eat them
in my lunch.

Mmm-mmm. [smacking lips]

-Colonel Patrick Quinn.
-Hey.

What'd I tell you about
America Korfball?

I hate it.

The violence, the woman
running in circles,

unequal to the men on her team.
This is not Korfball.

Okay, you're just upset because
your string-bean boyfriend

-can't keep up.
-That is what this is?

Because I have sex with Bram?

No, I don't care that you
have sex with two guys.

Well, don't worry.
From now on,

I'll just be
having sex with one.

-Which one?
-It's Bram!

Okay.

Blow that thing one more time,

and I'm gonna shove it
down your throat.

-You got me?
-[cries]

Oh, wait. I'm-I'm-I'm... Please
don't cry, little Korfboy.

Um... Who have I become?

A villain
in a "Mighty Ducks" movie.

And you dress like one too.

[upbeat music]

I'm...

[groans] This is why I stopped
playing basketball.

Because I did not like
what it brought out in me.

What do you mean?

What do you mean what do I mean?

I mean, you. You're in me.

And if I'm not careful, then
it comes out and it's like...

being the Incredible Hulk's
daughter.

Okay, well, that's
one of the nicest things

-anybody's ever said to me.
-Okay.

You dangled the attention
and affection

that you withhold from me
to do all of this.

No, I pushed the only button
available to me

to motivate a member of my team.

Why can you not just
give me a compliment

like a normal dad?

-I don't know!
-Figure it out!

Why is everyone so mad?
We're winning.

Okay, I'm gonna go out there.

I'm gonna try and score
one of those chicks

and I am not gonna be picky.

[horn blowing]

[snapping fingers]

We have to lose.
It solves everything.

Maggie, you can prove that
you're not your father

-and Conway--
-Losing gets me my money.

I get it, I'm in.

All right, guys,
who's ready to forget

about everything that happened
in here and go back out there

and dominate
those clog sniffers?

Maybe we don't. What did
we prove in the first half?

-That we could--
-That Americans can dominate

at any sport we choose.

-Everybody knows that.
-It's true.

So let's let them have it.
And the only way

to make it up to your girlfriend

is to lose to
your girlfriend's boyfriend.

Lose to Bram? Wait a minute.
You want me to take a dive?

It's the only chance to prove

that you're more
than just your ego.

You wanna win the girl
or the game?

Now, it's a low blow,
using Katja against me.

I'm pushing
the only button I have

to motivate a member of my team.

[instrumental music]

Let's do it, let's go
out there and lay down

like French soldiers
in front of a German tank.

[cheering]

Let's go! All right, team.

If we're going to lose,
Shah, you're in.

-Ouch.
-Papadakis, you're benched.

-You're benching me?
-Yeah.

I'm reinventing the game
out there, Maggie.

I'm like the Steph Curry
of Korfball.

I'm Steph Korfy.

Dana, obviously, you're in.

But can you let
Private Someone know?

Oh, no. I wouldn't
recognize her if I saw her.

I've been here the whole time.

[whistle blows]

Oop!

[indistinct chatter]

-No, no. I want you to have it.
-[clanks]

-[whistle blows]
-Oh!

They're like traumatized
lab rats.

I think this
losing thing's gonna be

-harder than we thought.
-Yeah.

They're gonna need
a miracle to...

[Elias] That's right. It's time
for PapaD's revenge.

'Cause I'm playing
for y'all now.

[dramatic music]

Wha!

[cheering]

[laughs]

[horn blows]

[upbeat music]

[horn blows]

-For us?
-All right, guys.

Six seconds left.
They need one more basket.

Oh, can we give it
to the pregnant lady?

I, uh, called her baby a nobody.

Do you think
she can pull it off?

I can get her there.

Trust me. Oh, no,
what an easy shot!

-Ooh! Ahhh!
-Mmm...

[Maggie] Okay, why are you
not shooting?

[Jan] I think she's having
contractions.

-Huh, uh!
-Whoa!

-[whistle blows]
-Whoa!

Did you just hip check

a pregnant woman?

W-was running out of time,

so I had to foul her.

I would have done
the same thing.

At least now she gets
a penalty shot, right?

[groans]

Well, come on!

[grunts]

[all cheering]

[instrumental music]

-Whoo!
-Hey!

-[siren wailing]
-[screams]

Hey, Jan, you did it.

You defeated me
on the battlefield of court.

Yeah, I don't care, colonel.

My friend's in labor.

You Americans think
life is just about sports.

Life is life.

And I presume your substandard
performance at court

was for my benefit?

Well, it certainly
wasn't for Jan's.

Listen, I should have told you,
I just don't like

the idea of you and the baker.

-You know?
-Jealousy's natural.

But you're going to have to
get used to it

if you want to carry on
seeing me.

Okay...

Is that for
the no-longer-pregnant woman?

Yeah. It's the least I could do.

I'm so embarrassed
that I let myself

become the Rocket again.

-And for what?
-Hey, if you're, uh, headed

that way, could you
drop this in his office?

Yeah.

[sighs]

"Ugly American aggression
pushes woman into labor."

[instrumental music]

So you're a, uh, baker.

Puff pastries and profiteroles.

Wow.

And, um, you are
American Army man.

Yes. Yeah.

-I don't know how to...
-Uh, continue talking.

Maybe you'll find you have
something in common.

Okay. Um...

We-we both like strong,
intelligent women. That's--

I cannot do this.
It is too weird.

Yes! I told you I always win.

I even win
the sensitive man contest.

-Go high!
-I am impressed.

But we must do this
for everyone else

-I'm having sex with.
-And how many people is--

-Eleven.
-Eleven?

[children] It's going so well.