All language subtitles for the.L.word.s03e01.Labia.majora

Please, don't leave.

You are a full-on lesbian.

You just want to sleep with people,
make them fall in love with you.

Jenny wouldn't know what
the real deal was if it bit her in the ass.

SHANE: Why you doing this?
JENNY: lt makes me feel good

because l'm in charge.

And it helps me remember all this
childhood shit that happened to me.

l need help.

You're just back from Cherie Jaffe land?

SHANE: Nothing's changed, l'm still me.

You don't think that you could have
changed your plan a little bit?

l don't have a plan. That's the point.

BETTE: You don't wanna get involved
with anybody, and that is cool.

l don't feel like l have anything left to give.

l know how hard you work...

Keep yourself at a distance
from everyone else.

l don't want you to go.

This is the key to my apartment.
l live two blocks from The Planet.

lvan, it's not a done deal yet.

-l'd be happy to co-sign on the loan.
-But what about the down payment?

KlT.. This is a dream come true.

Lady with the flashing eyes.

Thanks for keeping me company.
l really appreciate it.

KlT: lt was my pleasure.

l just don't want you to get hurt.

l knew going in what the deal was.

l want this baby more than ever.

l'm not ever going to think
about her again.

Did you fuck all night

before you told her
l was the love of your life?

You gave up your autonomy
in a relationship

that the law doesn't recognize.

l got a call from Tina's lawyer.

Tina, we can fix this.

Helena, l hope you're going to
continue to support the arts.

l don't think so.

Did you know that Tina was pregnant?

Bette, you didn't know?

What are you doing with my girlfriend?

Tina doesn't seem to think
she really is your girlfriend.

l need to have some kind of resolution
before the baby is born.

DOCTOR: That's your baby.

l really loved being there with you.

Come here.

The board has decided
to buy out your contract.

l want to move back into our house.

Welcome to the first corporate-sponsored
lesbian wedding.

Are you my fiancée, Tonya,
or are you my manager?

So if l was to kiss you again?

You always let her get her way.

We have to tell our friends.

l want more of you.

We don't belong together.

Don't necessarily think we should
be friends with our exes.

-But you're very cute.
-Oh, shut up.

What do you think
about moving in with me?

What?

l didn't know l was turning into someone
who was all smothery and needy and...

You are gonna have a very,
very interesting life

because we are some very,
very interesting people.

(JAZZ MUSlC PLAYlNG)

Oh, my God, where is it?

-Oh, no, it's horrible.
-Don't say it's horrible. lt's beautiful.

Sure isn't beautiful.

Doll, it looks like burnt curtains,

but l'll be damned if l'm going to be called
frigid for the rest of my life

just 'cause l don't understand
what l've got going on down there.

WOMAN: Careful with the granola !

Girls, if it wasn't for this group,

l'd still think that Valium was
my only hope for survival.

And l would still believe in the myth
of the vaginal orgasm.

Thank you, Sigmund Freud,
you patronizing, sexist pig!

Can l just say,
l know this is only our fifth meeting,

but l already feel closer to all of you
than l do to my own husband.

l sure don't know any husband
that's going to get this familiar

with a bunch of ladies' wiff-waffs.

What about you, sweetie?
ls this just all too far out for you?

Oh, no, l...

What? Go on, you can tell us.

We're your sisters.
You can tell us how you're feeling.

l didn't know...

Chet, he's just so fast and clumsy.

l had no idea about the...

Excuse me.

l'm just going to go check on her.

Revival.

You have a right to be happy.

And sexually fulfilled.

-l should...
-But did you know

that you can be sexually fulfilled?

-l should go. Chet's expecting me.
-So?

l have a three-year-old.
He sometimes wakes. Night terrors.

Well, what's going to happen
if you turn up a little late?

ls the world going to stop turning?

Dock your allowance?

What do l tell him?

Tell him the girls had
a lot to talk about tonight.

Tell him we're changing the world,
and it's going to take some time.

Tell him it's no easy task
creating equality for women.

(SO JEALOUS PLAYlNG)

That was So Jealous by Tegan and Sara,
and l'm Alice Pieszecki,

and you're listening to The Chart
on KCRW. Welcome back.

Tonight, we are talking about the
connection between love and the senses.

Your lover kisses you

and you feel a tremor
in the back of your knees.

The synapses fire, sending orders,
''Move your legs, move your arms.

''She's the one for you.
She's the girl of your dreams.

''She's your one and only.''

And you know because the smell of her
makes your head swim,

because you get a physical jolt every time

she sends a glance your way.
l mean, she touches you here

and you feel it here. lt...

You touch her anywhere,
and you feel it everywhere.

And then boom, it's six months later,

and she's touching someone else.

-Hi.
-Hey.

And you might say,

''Hey, Al, relationships end, lovers leave,

''leaving a labyrinth of heartache
and betrayal.''

For example, my first boyfriend left me

for a voluptuous former lesbian
named April,

who l then wound up having
a rebound affair with.

But we could also talk about Gabby,
otherwise known as Lesbian X,

the point of origin
for an entire geographical substratum

of lesbian linkages, including Lara.

-What are you making?
-A surprise.

Six egg yolks,
a quarter cup of heavy cream.

Lara, l can't eat this. l'm training.

Yes, you can,
because with your metabolism,

and the workout l'm about to give you,

l think you can indulge
in my little breakfast soufflé.

-l can, eh?
-Yes.

Okay.

Workout, huh?

ALlCE.. Yes, that same Lara.

We love her. Lara the larcenist.
Lara the liberator.

Lara, the new true love of Dana and...

Yeah. l mean, Dana,

Yeah. l mean, Dana,

who told me she needed closure,
closure with Lara.

Well...

lt's six months later,
and l'm still waiting for it to close.

(SlNGlNG CHEERFUL SONG)

lt's time for instruments.

-l'll try and get her the triangle today.
-Okay.

-Oh, l was just looking for that.
-l'm sure there's more.

-No, there aren't. That's the last one.
-Sorry.

Asshole.

Okay, does everyone have an instrument?

l think it's time to get up
for dance-in-a-circle time.

Sorry about that.

lt happens,
especially with some of these moms.

Which one of you is the mom?

l gave birth, actually.

Oh, wow, l would have figured it was her.
Your daughter looks a lot like her.

-She's not your sister, is she?
-She's my partner.

Oh!

And...

She's a little stressed out today.

We're about to have a home visit
from the adoption social worker.

But she's your baby.

Yeah. l mean, but not Bette's, at least,
not according to the law.

She has to do this thing
that's called a second-parent adoption,

so she can legally become
Angelica's other parent.

-Complicated.
-Complicated, yeah.

This is so weird.
l didn't realize it would be so awkward.

Doesn't have to be awkward, Mom.

Just tell me what's been going on,
and l'll do my best to help you out.

Yeah. l think it started
around the time Daddy got sick,

and l just... l didn't deal. l just didn't deal.

And l know it's my fault for letting it,
you know, go this long,

but he was so sick,
and he needed all my attention,

and, you know,
if l had taken care of myself,

we would have caught it
before it got this bad...

Mom, let's not plan your funeral yet.
Now, what are your symptoms?

Well, breathing.

l have a hard time breathing,
and heart palpitations,

and sometimes,
l have to sit down to catch my breath,

and l'm having these headaches every day,
and l know they're connected

to something that's bad
going on somewhere else,

and l'm having a hard time
just concentrating on any one thing.

Well, your blood pressure's a little high,
but it's not off the chart.

So don't assume the worst, okay?

Here's what we're going to do. l'm going
to send you for some blood work.

We're gonna check your levels,
gonna run a few tests.

Now, l'm actually betting
that this is psychological.

You're under a lot of stress,
running that business all by yourself,

not to mention all the time you're putting
in helping them out with Tina's baby.

Yeah, well, it's Bette's baby, too,
you know, not just Tina's.

Just call today.

Yeah, it's 2:00 to 6:00 on Saturday.

lt's her six-month.
lt's really just an excuse to have a party.

Thanks. l'll try and make it.

-Great. Take care.
-See you.

Why'd you invite him?

-He's sweet. l like him.
-He's so straight.

Since when did you have a problem
with straight people?

l don't have a problem
with straight people.

lt's just he's so, you know, suburban.

l grew up in the suburbs.
Suburbs aren't that terrible.

Why does everybody have to be a hipster?

-Angus, l have a proposition for you.
-Hmm?

Would you be interested
in playing for the kids

at Angelica's six-month celebration?

Wow. Yeah.
l'll play almost anywhere l'm invited

as long as there's a paycheck involved.

My band's trying to put out our CD.

What do you think, Angelica?
Want me to rock your half-birthday party?

Maybe some Ozzy? Black Sabbath?

l was actually thinking
more of Cock-a-Doodle-Doo.

Oh, that's what you'll get.
Thanks, l could really use the cash.

-Great.
-Hi, boo, come here.

l am power and beauty,
emanating the warmth of the sun

through a heart as deep as the ocean.

Are you sure it's not
''pockets as deep as the ocean''?

lt could be. Yeah, pockets.

You just bought something,

something that most people
consider reckless and foolish.

We are about to close on a deal,
but l can't tell you what it is.

You don't have to say.

-You bought a movie studio.
-My God, how did you know that?

Because the cards know everything.

Oh...

And there's a romance in your future.

See? This is you, the Empress.
She knows how to pamper herself,

but she really knows
how to take care of her lovers,

and this, the Knight of Wands,
that's the love interest.

lt's a creative person,
an artist of some kind,

volatile and changeable,
especially sexually.

Sexually changeable?
What does that mean,

bisexual or something?

Shuffle and take three more cards.

Bisexual, yeah. This person is bisexual.
He or she,

she, l think,

is going to stand back to back with you,
and then face to face.

What does that mean?

l'm sorry.
l can't tell you any more right now.

Except that she drives a blue car,
and she's a brunette.

All right, now,
one of you lie down on this fluffy couch,

and the other one,
come and pick some material.

Mama Tee,
why don't you be the lier-downer,

and l'll go choose some materials for us.

-No. Please.
-What?

-Do you also call her Mama Bee?
-Yeah, sometimes l do call her Mama Bee.

Okay, get up. You go sit down. Sit down.

All right, listen, the guiding principle here

is that we are trying to rekindle the
sexual spark in this long-term relationship,

and Mama Tee and Mama Bee

do not make mad, passionate love
to one another.

They make cookies. Okay.

Now, when you do
these sensate focus exercises at home,

Tina, she'll be naked, wearing a blindfold.

-Oh, no way.
-What's wrong with that?

l'll feel ridiculous. l don't want anybody
staring down at my naked body,

tickling me with strips
of rubber and suede.

Well, first of all, l'm not just anybody.
l'm your life partner and would-be lover,

and secondly, l find you beautiful.

You can't possibly find this big ugly scar

and my sagging stomach
and my leaky nipples beautiful.

You cannot tell me what l can
and can't find beautiful.

l mean, l don't think this is all
about you feeling unattractive or tired.

ln fact, l hate to say this, but, Dr. Farber,
l think she's still punishing me for...

-l am not punishing you.
-Oh, no?

-l'm exhausted.
-Okay.

l am up half the night with Angelica...

All right, let's try something else,
all right?

We could try the Lover's Paintbox.

Beautiful. Very high quality chocolate.
$33.95.

-lt's too expensive.
-And this is the Hot Sex lce Cube Kit.

$19.95, not as expensive.

What do you do with the lce Cube Kit?

Well, you take a cube, and it could
be breast-shaped, penis-shaped, whatever.

Put it in your mouth,
let a little water drip on her clit,

on her nipples...

And because, really,
one of the big problems

of lesbian sexual dysfunction
is aversion to oral stimulation.

And those, if you pardon the pun,
are a major icebreaker.

Or if all else fails, try a little humor.

Come on, a little levity
never hurt anybody's sex life.

Okay, so, what time do you put Angelica
down to sleep?

Oh, well, it differs every night.
We don't really have her on a schedule.

Yeah.

Tonight, get her to sleep,
put her in the crib...

No, we don't put her down.
We're practicing attachment parenting.

l mean, we try to keep her in contact with
another human body as much as possible.

Where is she right now?

-My turn.
-Oh, yeah.

-Oh, yeah.
-Okay, she's a big girl.

l wouldn't say my parents
are happy about it, necessarily.

l would just say that they've accepted it,
sort of, in their own way.

Yeah, they don't try and fix you up
with guys anymore, so that's good.

-That's good.
-Yeah.

The whole coming out to your parents
in a Mexican family, that stuff?

There's something about it.
lt doesn't really play.

No, so you just stay in the closet.

-No, sweetheart.
-Yes.

You don't just stay in the closet.

There are certain things
that are understood,

and it is understood
that we do not talk about those things.

Like, l have this Uncle Papi, and he
borrowed his sister's prom dress one year,

and what he did with that prom dress,
we don't know,

and, guess what, we don't ask.

-l found it disconcerting, that's all.
-Why? What's wrong with clit.

lt's a little graphic.

l prefer that our therapist
use a more neutral language.

-So clit makes you uncomfortable?
-A little, yeah.

Well, what about cunt?
Do you have a problem with cunt?

-Well, it's not my favorite.
-Hey, boo-boo!

Look who it is.

-Hey.
-Hi.

-Actually, l like pussy.
-Oh, hear, hear! l love pussy.

Excuse me.

Well, Shane, it's not like she can really
understand what we're talking about...

-You don't know that.
-What are you talking about?

Well, Tina has a problem
with the word clit,

which l find somewhat troubling,
and she's also not too fond of cunt.

Oh, my God, l love the word cunt.
l find it totally hot.

-No... You do?
-Yeah, don't you?

-l...
-Well, what words do you use?

Pussy works for me.

Beaver is also fun sometimes,
and l like twat.

l actually really like twat.

-You know that.
-l know.

-Oh, babe.
-l know.

See, l just grew up
in a world of euphemisms.

Like, down there, nether regions,
private parts, naughty bits.

-''Don't touch your no-no.''
-Oh, God, that's awful.

l was the same way.
Private parts, lady parts.

-Lady parts?
-lt.

-lt, that's my personal favorite...
-Then who came up with peeper?

Peeper. Peeper, peeper, peeper...

Mama Tee, why don't you feed her
for a while? l think she's hungry.

She's fine.

-Peeper, peeper, peeper.
-Alice, seriously...

''Touch my peeper, Al.

''Nobody touches my peeper like you do.

''Oh, look what happens to my peeper
when it touches your peeper.

-''lt's a wet peeper.''
-Okay. Can we go?

-Alice.
-We're going to go.

-''lt's a wet, wet peeper.''
-All right.

DANA: You win, Al.

-Peeper.
-Alice.

Oh, baby, say hello to Auntie Alice.

-Mama Tee, please. Really, just put...
-Say hello. Say hello.

-So what are you on now?
-l'm on methylphenidate.

Possible side effects, sorry,
include Tourette's.

lt's okay.
We're all a little stressed out right now.

-lt's gonna be okay.
-Yeah.

-Yeah.
-Totally.

Yeah, Tina and l,
we have our first home visit

-with the adoption social worker today.
-Ah.

l'm going to meet Carmen's mother
and have dinner with her entire family.

-And?
-l'm going to act straight.

(ALL LAUGH)

Who wins?

-You win.
-Yeah, you win.

YOGA lNSTRUCTOR: lnhale, take the gaze
up part way. Exhale, stepping back.

Chaturanga dandasana, lowering down.

lnhale, coming into Up Dog.
Opening up the chest through the arms.

Exhaling back into Downward-Facing Dog.

Now, let's step from Down Dog,
the right foot up beside the right hand.

We're going into Warrior l, people.
Virabhadrasana.

(HELENA GROANlNG)

(SOBBlNG)

Oh, l know. This one's really hard.

lt kills me.

Oh, sweetheart, l'm sorry.
l thought this would be good for you.

ls there anything l can do?

Oh, no, you're a good friend.
You're a good friend.

YOGA lNSTRUCTOR: Now pivot
on the ball of the left foot,

drop that heel to the ground,

turn the toes out 45 degrees.
ls everyone cool with that?

Oh, you poor thing.

-ls it Dana?
-l don't know.

lt could be these new drugs l'm on.

Okay, and drop your shoulder blades
down your back.

l just... l feel a little unpredictable,
but l don't know, maybe...

Maybe it's just making me spontaneous,
you know? Like l'm ready...

No talking.

Okay, now, let's all partner up
with the person on the mat next to us.

l want you to turn back to back

and link arms.

Now, the person facing
the front of the room,

l want you to bend forward
and gently stretch your partner's back.

Gently bounce and stretch.
Bounce and stretch.

Alice!

YOGA lNSTRUCTOR: Good, now switch.

Wait, wait.
We're not quite back to back. Okay.

Oh, God.

Okay, once you've both done the stretch,
l want you to stand

and turn to face your partners,
and grip one another's shoulders, like this,

and bend your knees.

Oh, God.

-Holy shit.
-What?

We were back to back,
and now we're face to face.

Yeah, l know. That's what he said to do.
Ready? Okay...

Saturday, there's a Fuse event at Falcon.
We should go.

Helena, l can't even remember
how to say hello to a girl at a bar.

l'll help you.

We'll scope the place out,
you see anybody you like, and...

Your car's blue.

l know it's dirty.
l'm usually such a neat freak, really.

You'll never meet anyone tidier than me.
lt's just...

Since Dana, yeah.

You know, my life is shit, Helena, okay?

You saw me in there.

l'm good for five minutes on these meds,
and then it...

And then it wears off. That's the trouble
with medication. Maybe you should just...

l should take more.
l should take a higher dose.

Yes, of course. lt's... l just...

lt's very not precise,
this pill-popping business. You know?

Are you judging me? l mean,
l would understand if you were, but...

No, l just...

You're a good friend, you're a good friend.
Good friend.

Fuck!

Kit, can you help me with this table
before you go?

She's going to be here in two seconds.

(CAR HORN HONKlNG)

-Jesus, what is their fucking problem?
-Here we are. Okay.

That's the social worker.
She needs help getting up the porch steps.

-Here you go.
-Here we go, Angelica. Here, boo-boo.

Come on, let's go meet the social worker.

-Hi.
-Hi. Good, you made it.

Hello, Ms. Collie. l'm Bette Porter.
lt's really nice to meet you.

-This is my partner, Tina Kennard.
-Hi. Nice to meet you.

And this my sister, Kit Porter.

And this is Angelica.

l think you may want to put that baby
down and help me up these steps.

Well, we don't really put her down,
but l think we'll be okay.

What do you mean
you don't put her down?

-Well, we're...
-We're practicing attachment parenting.

Well, l say anything that can be attached
can be detached.

So why don't you detach the baby,
put her in her crib for a few minutes

so you don't drop me?

-l think Tina and l can manage this, okay?
-Anyway, we don't have a crib.

We bought one, but it became apparent
that we weren't going to use it,

so we donated it to a family in East L.A.
That's where l work.

You have a six-month-old baby,
and you don't have a crib?

Okay, good luck, Mommies.

Cunt. Cunt!

Hey, Dana?

Dana !

Oh, fuck you! Fuck you!

You're gonna get away?
You're gonna get away?

Oh, fuck you! Dana !

(CELL PHONE RlNGS )

Are you insane?

Am l insane?
You're the one who did this, Dana, okay?

-Just stop it, Al.
-You did this!

-Just stop it!
-l didn't leave you, okay?

ALlCE: God!

Alice!

Hold it, Dana, l'm getting another call.
Hold on, okay?

(EX CLAlMS ANGRlLY)

Hello?

Alice? lt's Helena.

Look, l wanted you to be
the first to know...

Helena...

Hold it, can you just hold on? l'm just...
Dana's trying to get away from me.

-Hold on.
-Dana's what?

l just... She's... Fuck. Hey, l'm back.

l'm buying a movie studio, Alice.

That's great, Helena. That's so good.
l can't really talk right now, though.

HELENA.. No, no, no.
l need to ask you one quick question.

Dana, fuck!

...wondering what
your natural hair color is.

Oh.

l guess if l go back to childhood, it's,

you know,
l would consider myself a blonde.

lt kind of depends
on what angle you look at me.

l mean, it's kind of up for interpretation.

lf you look at me from one angle,
it could be a...

You know, a lightish dirty blonde,

or, you know from another angle,

it could be sort of a...

Very pale brunette.

Oh, God damn it, l lost her.
Hold on a sec, okay?

Alice!

Hey, Dane. Dane, are you planning on
going straight down Sunset,

or do you think
that maybe you might turn off?

Dana? Dana?

You haven't exactly baby-proofed,
have you?

Well, l don't really believe
in baby-proofing, per se.

l mean, first of all, it's ugly.

And l really want Angelica
to develop an intrinsic sense of beauty.

Well, l can tell
that's important to you, Bette.

Presumably, it's why l don't see
an abundance of brightly-colored,

stimulating, interactive plastic toys
strewn around the home.

Exactly.

-And from the point of view of safety?
-Well, Ms. Collie, l truly believe...

-Call me Roberta.
-Roberta,

l believe that children can learn
what's safe and what's not safe

through tactile encounters.

l mean, at this age,
she can't really grasp concepts.

She can only have experiences.

So you're planning to let her
put her hand in the fire?

-Metaphorically.
-l'll give you a metaphor, Bette.

Go ahead and throw yourself
off the 405 overpass.

lt'll hurt like hell,
and damn straight you won't do it again,

'cause you'll be dead.

lt's not like we're totally opposed
to baby-proofing.

TlNA: l mean, she's not even crawling yet.
BETTE: l know, she's not even crawling.

TlNA: l've been researching
pool covers and fences.

The fences are really ugly.
Bette hates them a lot.

BETTE: Yeah, really a lot.

-JENNY: Mom?
-Hello, darling.

Now, we've really got to hurry here.
We've got one hour until sundown.

So...

Here, can you take that end
and put that up there?

And then l'm going to get you
to get the china down.

Your father wants everyone to go to shul.

He says this is your last dinner
here in Skokie.

l had my last therapy session
with Dr. Peretz today.

Do you know your father's invited
the Cranes for dinner?

Marshall's back from MlT.

He's going to be at shul.

You know what would be really awesome?

You could please ask my stepfather

to stop setting me up with guys,
especially Marshall Crane.

And what's wrong with Marshall?
He's a mathematical genius.

Nothing, except for the fact
that he's a man, and l...

Don't start, Jenny.

-We all know you were sick.
-That's not part of my ''sickness.''

Oh, and is that what Dr. Peretz
has been telling you?

Dr. Peretz doesn't have a problem
with my sexual orientation, Mom.

Well, then, l have to tell you
that l think Dr. Peretz is as sick as you are.

Here we are.

SHANE: l don't know about this.
CARMEN: Why? What's wrong?

-lt's too soon.
-No, l'm telling you.

You're going to be fine, okay? Just...
They don't think like that, all right?

So all you have to do is be yourself.
They are going to fucking love you.

Come on.

-This okay?
-Yeah. You look beautiful.

Okay...

BETTE: The show debuts next month
at the Slate Museum.

lt's called the Art of Dissent.

l see, and does a person actually get paid
for something like that?

Oh, well, it's not a full-time job.
l'm just doing it as a passion project

while l'm looking for
a more permanent position.

-So you're unemployed?
-Well, just for the last six months.

l mean, l've been offered several positions,
just none that l passionately want to do.

-ls that absolutely necessary?
-What? l'm sorry.

The infant.
The spoon, the banging and clanging.

Can you not just put it away
for 15 minutes?

Mama Tee, can you just put
the pots and pans away?

l meant the baby.

-Why don't you just nurse her for a while?
-Okay, let me just review.

No baby-proofing,

passionately unemployed,
harbors sexually explicit,

anti-patriotic propaganda
masquerading as art.

-What about men?
-Men?

You do know that we're lesbians, right?

Yes, that matter was fairly explicitly
touted on your petition to the state,

which is all the more reason
why l find the man question critical.

l mean, how is Angelica going to know
what a man is?

All she has to do is turn on the television.
They're everywhere.

Our child's going to be around
a lot of men.

But will there be a significant man?

l mean, is she going to know
one special man's voice?

l mean, how is she going to know
what a man feels like,

what he smells like?

Will she ever rub her cheek
up against a scratchy, unshaven face?

Play with the little curly hairs
on his chest or his back...

(CRASH)

ALlCE: Where the fuck did that come from?

Shit, motherfucker! God damn it!
Jesus Christ!

Great.

-Well, Jesus fuck!
-What happened?

Well, l'm coming in your driveway,

and this big, fucking ridiculous thing's
in the way.

-Ridiculous how?
-ls that your car?

Because you could
maybe have moved it up a little.

-There's, like, 10' in front of you.
-Do you know this person?

-Anyway, l'm sorry l tapped your car.
-Tapped?

Tina, l think it's these drugs l'm on.
l just got in a car chase with Dana.

-You got in a car chase with Dana?
-Yeah, l kind of ran her off the road.

What?

Anyway, look, lady, l don't know.
l mean, your car is fine.

lt's like mine got the worst of it.
lf you could look...

You know, it's like,
it would have been a lot less damage

if you drove a normal car.

Normal?

She didn't mean it that way.
That's not what she meant.

Let's just hope she doesn't have
a lot of contact with the child.

-l'll be going now.
-l happen to be the earthmother.

l would have been the godmother,
but l don't believe in God.

Of course you don't.

Well, it wasn't even my idea.
lt was Mama Bee's.

-Of course it was. l'll be back in 10 days.
-You're coming back?

We do two home visits per case,
so you'll get a second chance.

Though first impressions are
hard to overcome.

Help, please. And move car!

She's really too much.

Help, please!

Today!

Come on, eat more. You're so skinny.
She's so skinny. Don't you feed her?

No, Mommy, l do not feed her.
She feeds herself.

Such a pretty girl, too.
Don't you think she's pretty?

Yes, Mom, she's very pretty.

Thank you.

Shane, Carmen says
that you're a hairdresser.

l am.

Who does your hair?

-Oh, l do.
-lt's the look, Mama.

Yeah, it's the bomb.

-Do you know cousin Evi?
-No, l don't believe l do.

Mom, this is the first time
she's met anyone in our family.

Evi's an assistant hairdresser.

She works downtown
at Jose's Hair Experience.

Well, that's very cool.

Your family, Shane, they live in
Los Angeles? You see them all the time?

Okay, le preguntas tanto, mami. Please.

Please, Mom, come on.

Actually l'm from Austin,
and l think my family are still there.

You think?
You don't know where your family is?

l just haven't seen them in a while.

(SPEAKlNG SPANlSH)

Carmen? l don't understand. Her family...

Well, she grew up in foster care.

So she hasn't met her father, and she
never really knew her mother either.

So...

(SPEAKlNG SPANlSH)

We're your family now, okay? Okay?

Thank you. Gracias. Thank you.

(ROCK MUSlC PLAYlNG)

-How you doing?
-Hi. How are you?

-l'm all right.
-Yeah?

-How's the book going?
-l don't know. l think it's okay.

l think it's good. l think l'm almost done,

which means that l'm getting ready
to blow out of this town.

-l've been thinking about it.
-What?

-l want to go for it.
-Fuck off.

You want to come to L.A. with me?

Yeah.

(EX CLAlMS )

l'm excited.

Mom? What are we doing in here?

Marisela's quinceañera, next Friday.
Shane has to come.

-Mother, no, please.
-What's a quinceara?

A quinceañera. lt's like a Sweet 15.

(SPEAKlNG SPANlSH)

And l have something for you.

lt's this religious ceremony.

lt takes place in a church,
and it's a huge party with gowns

and a tiara and bouquets
and the whole thing.

(SPEAKlNG SPANlSH)

Believe or not.

She says she used to be skinny
just like you.

l don't remember that.

-How pretty.
-Oh, that's beautiful.

No.

You know, l think
that it would look a lot better on Carmen.

-Oh, no!
-Oh, no!

Carmen's like this, you're like that.

(SPEAKlNG SPANlSH)

Well, maybe not so skinny.
You have a boyfriend, Shane?

-Not yet.
-Oh, you will.

Put it on. l'll go get my sewing kit.

-My mother loves you.
-Yeah, l know she does. l love her.

-Oh, my gosh.
-But please don't make me do this.

Please, you have to put it on. Oh, babe...

What are you doing?
She's going to come in.

Okay.

-Don't, don't, don't.
-lt's okay.

-But you feel so good.
-l'm so frustrated.

Okay.

Oh, Carmen, don't make me do this.

Hands in. lt's okay. Please, for me.
Come on.

Okay.

Oh, my goodness.

That is so pretty.

Oh, yeah.

Look at that.

You know, but this is so generous of you.
l kind of feel bad taking it away from you.

Don't be ridiculous.
You are familia now, remember?

lt's something else. Thank you.

Poor baby.

-This is going to make you all better.
-Thank you.

-Good?
-What is that?

Double lemon sugar cookies
with lavender and rosemary infusion.

-l'm trying them out on you.
-Thank you.

-Good?
-Yes.

l like you.

Wow.

(ROMANTlC SONG PLAYlNG)

l want to wait until my parents are asleep
when l get my stuff,

because l don't want to
start a thing with them tonight.

You going to be like a teenage runaway?

Yes, l am, 'cause my mom still puts me
in that place, you know?

l don't think it's going to take me
more than, l don't know,

20 minutes to pack,
because l didn't bring a lot of stuff,

'cause l didn't think l'd be here in Skokie
for six months.

Yeah.

Then we could swing by my place.
l'm up in Wilmette.

Really?

We really going to do this?

Yeah, l've been planning on going to L.A.
from the time l got out of college.

-That's, like, two years now.
-Fuck.

-Where did you go to college?
-Harper College Tech.

What did you study?

l did website design and programming,
network administration,

wireless networking, web optimization...

Are you thinking about
having sex with me right now?

lt's crossed my mind.

Who did that to you?

l did it to myself.

-What are you doing?
-You have a lump.

-Right there.
-Oh, l know. lt's been there forever.

-lt's nothing.
-Dana...

-What?
-Well, you should get it checked out.

-l've had it checked out.
-Oh, you have?

Yes, they're very sexy, sinewy,
fibrous breasts. Now, kiss me.

(PANTlNG)

Jen?

Get up!
What the hell do you think you're doing?

How dare you treat us this way
after we opened our home to you?

How dare you bring a man
back into this house?

l would never do that, Warren.
l want you to meet Moira.

She lives over in Wilmette.

Nice to meet you.

-Sorry.
-Get out of here.

That's what l'm doing, Warren.
Just give me a couple of minutes.

Now.

l want you out now.

Actually,

you've wanted me out of this house
from the moment l set foot in here.

What is it, Warren?
Am l too fucked up for you?

Am l too perverted?

Look at me.

Do l remind you of how messy
and out of control your life is?

Warren.

l'm just not the girl you wanted me to be...

-Jennifer, stop.
-No, you stop.

When are you going to start being
an actual person

and not this silent slave to this man?

-Don't you dare disrespect your mother.
-That's a privilege that's reserved for you.

-But l don't know what more we can do.
-Nothing.

There is nothing more you can do for me

to make me the person
that you are comfortable with,

because l'm not going to marry
that nice Jewish boy.

l'm not going to have
those nice Jewish kids.

l'm not going to shut up
and be subservient.

l'm not going to set the dinner table
and pretend that bad things don't happen.

Because when you don't talk about them,

they get worse, Warren.

Let's go.

Jennifer?

Can you hang on a sec?

Hey.

Jennifer, l don't... l don't understand here.

-Are you trying to punish me?
-No.

l'm grateful to you.

You did a good job with me,
and l'm not trying to punish you.

ls this because of what happened
when you were a little girl?

ls that why you turned out this way?

Why didn't you protect me?

There was nothing l could do
to change what happened.

Well, you know, Mom,
you could have comforted me.

You could have told me
that it wasn't my fault.

l'm so sorry.

l'm sorry.

Thank you.

-Thank you for what?
-Because...

lt's the first time that you've
ever acknowledged what happened to me.

l have to go.

Bye.

(SO JEALOUS PLAYlNG)

What are you looking at?

Have you noticed any changes
in your hair, skin?

Oh, my skin, definitely. lt's blotchy.
lt used to be like silk.

And you already said that you've been
experiencing mood swings, loss of energy.

David, do not fucking protect me.
Please tell me what it is.

You know, l'd rather know what it is so l...
l want to know so l can deal with it.

Mom, l just need to ask you
a few more questions.

Now, are you having
any memory problems?

Excuse me, l'm sorry,
l forgot the question.

Look, what about...

-You know, vaginal dryness?
-What?

l'm sorry, Mom, but it's important
that l ascertain these things.

No, no, no, we do not go there.
l am your mother and you are my son,

and my poonani, dry or not dry,
is something we do not discuss.

l have a friend in England,
and her daughter calls it front bottom.

Front bottom? That's twisted.

l had a girlfriend once...
Yes, remember when l had a girlfriend.

No, but she called it
her pretty pink pearl, P.P.P.

Not to be confused with her pee pee.

You know what's really lovely?

-Yoni.
-Oh, God.

lt's Sanskrit.

No, no, l like, like, a non-Sanskrit
trashy thing, like tongue trap.

-Yeah.
-Or a bald man in a boat.

-Breakfast of champions.
-That's good.

-Munch box.
-Wee wee.

-Ha-ha.
-Hoo-hoo.

Mimi.

Fuckhole. What else?

Calcunta.

Hey, Kit.

-What's wrong?
-What's going on?

Just found out l've got menopause.

Oh, Kit.

No, it's okay. No more periods.

Yeah, you don't have to take Carrie
to the prom anymore.

-No more mood swings, eventually.
-No more tampons or pads.

No more Midol or Excedrin or Tylenol
or any of that stuff.

Yeah, but once the monkey goes south,
that's the end of it.

No, Kit, that's not true.
There are a lot of menopausal women

who are very sexually active.

Yeah, it's true. You can still get it on.

Now you are still going to be
doing the hanky panky

till the cows come home, okay?

Go get yourself a little hot beef injection
tonight and feel better.

-CARMEN: Shit.
-You could dip the chip.

-Bang the box.
-Sweep out your chimney.

-You could stretch that leather.
-Bump the uglies.

-Dip and dive.
-You can shake the sheets.

-Crack the nut.
-Give some skank on the hang-low.

Ride the baloney pony.

-Give that dog a bone.
-There you go, Kit, yeah.

-Shuck the oyster, baby.
-Okay, put some beef in your taco.

Ride that beef bus to tuna town.

CARMEN.. That was so sexy.
l'm so glad you said that.

KlT.. l got one. The lips between the hips.

SHANE.. Furry monkey.
CARMEN.. Smurf crease.

BETTE.. Bearded oyster.
ALlCE.. Bikini biscuit.

CARMEN.. Cooter.
SHANE.. And cherry pie.

ALlCE.. Cat flaps.
SHANE.. What about cha-cha?

TlNA.. Hairy goblet.
CARMEN.. Glans pocket.

TlNA.. The Grand Canyon.
KlT.. Oh, here's another one. Fish taco.

SHANE.. Oh, l got a good one.
Cream collector.

CARMEN.. Goodie bag.

KlT.. Wait, how about this one?
Box of assorted creams.

-Honey pot.
-Dugout.

CARMEN.. Love mitten.
SHANE.. Mermaid's purse.

Skeeky. Skeezy.

SHANE.. l got one, l got one, the pink velvet
sausage wallet. That's attractive.

CARMEN.. Nonny.
ALlCE.. Ham wallet.

TlNA.. Coochie.
BETTE.. Sweet spot.

TlNA.. Okay, l got another one.
SHANE.. The power slot.

KlT.. Foo foo valve.

l know, foo foo valve.
Who would say foo foo valve?

BETTE.. Pork shutters.
KlT.. Bermuda triangle.

TlNA.. Crab hole.
ALlCE.. Squeegee?

CARMEN.. Vertical smile.
SHANE.. The vessel tube.

CARMEN.. Monkey's chin.
ALlCE.. Chewbacca.

SHANE.. What about panty hamster?
BETTE.. Roast beef sandwich.

KlT.. Camel toe. Oh, that's so generic.