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1
00:00:02,020 --> 00:00:03,516
♪ Oh, Mandy
2
00:00:03,540 --> 00:00:07,516
♪ Well, you came and you gave
without taking
3
00:00:07,540 --> 00:00:09,516
♪ But I sent you away
4
00:00:09,540 --> 00:00:11,556
♪ Oh, Mandy
5
00:00:11,580 --> 00:00:16,756
♪ Well, you kissed me
and stopped me from shaking
6
00:00:16,780 --> 00:00:19,276
♪ And I need you today
7
00:00:19,300 --> 00:00:22,156
♪ Oh, Mandy. ♪
8
00:00:22,180 --> 00:00:25,756
I really can't understand
the demonization of pigeons.
9
00:00:25,780 --> 00:00:27,676
I think they're nice.
10
00:00:27,700 --> 00:00:30,036
And they really helped us out
during the war,
11
00:00:30,060 --> 00:00:32,356
you know, delivering messages
and stuff.
12
00:00:32,380 --> 00:00:34,356
They're really intelligent.
13
00:00:34,380 --> 00:00:36,876
You're not meant to smoke in here.
14
00:00:36,900 --> 00:00:40,796
Am I not? Well, of course not.
They're bad for your health.
15
00:00:40,820 --> 00:00:42,660
First I've heard of it.
16
00:00:44,500 --> 00:00:46,236
Fake news.
17
00:00:46,260 --> 00:00:49,916
Smoking will knock 15 years
off your life.
18
00:00:49,940 --> 00:00:51,740
15 years?!
19
00:00:52,740 --> 00:00:54,860
That means I'll be dead by...
20
00:00:55,860 --> 00:00:58,610
Well, the most important thing...
Hang on. Nearly there.
21
00:01:00,300 --> 00:01:01,756
2026.
22
00:01:01,780 --> 00:01:05,116
That's terrible. World's Strongest
Man is coming to Gateshead in 2030 -
23
00:01:05,140 --> 00:01:06,396
I can't miss that.
24
00:01:06,420 --> 00:01:09,476
Well, stop smoking, eat healthy food
and stay active
25
00:01:09,500 --> 00:01:12,036
and there's no reason
you couldn't go to Gateshead.
26
00:01:12,060 --> 00:01:13,476
What do you mean, eat healthy?
27
00:01:13,500 --> 00:01:17,516
Well, do you have your five portions
of fruit and veg? Yes, done that.
28
00:01:17,540 --> 00:01:19,276
What do you mean, you've done it?
29
00:01:19,300 --> 00:01:22,036
Well, I had a banana
in the early '80s,
30
00:01:22,060 --> 00:01:24,036
had some broccoli in 1984.
31
00:01:24,060 --> 00:01:26,636
1990, I had a corn on the cob.
32
00:01:26,660 --> 00:01:29,516
That were actually quite nice
so I had another in 1993.
33
00:01:29,540 --> 00:01:32,036
And on 9/11, I had a toffee apple,
34
00:01:32,060 --> 00:01:34,156
just to cheer meself up.
35
00:01:34,180 --> 00:01:36,396
No, you've
fundamentally misunderstood
36
00:01:36,420 --> 00:01:37,796
the concept of five a day.
37
00:01:37,820 --> 00:01:40,596
A day?! You're joking?!
Who's got time for that?
38
00:01:40,620 --> 00:01:42,756
Look, if you want to go
to Gateshead,
39
00:01:42,780 --> 00:01:45,036
you're going to have to make
some changes.
40
00:01:45,060 --> 00:01:48,276
I need to get to Gateshead.
What do I need to do? Tell me.
41
00:01:48,300 --> 00:01:50,300
Eat healthy food...
42
00:01:51,380 --> 00:01:53,516
get some exercise
43
00:01:53,540 --> 00:01:57,396
and there are various things
you can do to stop smoking.
44
00:01:57,420 --> 00:02:00,916
Patches, gums, hypnotherapy.
45
00:02:00,940 --> 00:02:04,276
But I'm going to give you
a prescription
46
00:02:04,300 --> 00:02:06,516
for some pills to help you
47
00:02:06,540 --> 00:02:11,316
because your uterus really
should not be mustard yellow.
48
00:02:11,340 --> 00:02:13,516
What color should it be?
49
00:02:13,540 --> 00:02:16,020
Well, pink, obviously.
50
00:02:17,780 --> 00:02:19,460
Who knew?
51
00:02:27,500 --> 00:02:30,516
Oh, look at you
in your new tracksuit.
52
00:02:40,260 --> 00:02:42,756
This is the new me, Lola.
53
00:02:42,780 --> 00:02:47,276
I'm going to exercise, eat better
and I'm giving up smoking
54
00:02:47,300 --> 00:02:49,916
cos me uterus
has gone mustard yellow.
55
00:02:49,940 --> 00:02:52,780
What color is it supposed to be?
Pink, apparently.
56
00:02:53,820 --> 00:02:56,036
How's the nicotine cravings? Fine.
57
00:02:56,060 --> 00:02:59,076
Every time I fancy a fag,
just take some of these.
58
00:02:59,100 --> 00:03:00,756
Good for you.
59
00:03:00,780 --> 00:03:03,436
To be honest, Lola, it's
the exercise that's killing me.
60
00:03:03,460 --> 00:03:05,916
I've tried running
and it's an absolute shithouse.
61
00:03:05,940 --> 00:03:09,036
Why not get a dog?
I had a friend who was 18 stone.
62
00:03:09,060 --> 00:03:11,356
She got a dog, walked it every day,
63
00:03:11,380 --> 00:03:14,316
and now she's only
17-and-a-half stone.
64
00:03:14,340 --> 00:03:17,036
I can't afford one.
Otherwise, you know me, Lola,
65
00:03:17,060 --> 00:03:19,676
I'd have a Dobermann Pinscher
like that.
66
00:03:19,700 --> 00:03:21,860
You could walk other people's dogs.
67
00:03:24,540 --> 00:03:26,300
That's a great idea.
68
00:03:29,700 --> 00:03:33,356
Eat Y'self Fitter by The Fall
69
00:03:54,060 --> 00:03:55,876
He's a big dog, in't he?
70
00:03:55,900 --> 00:03:57,596
Yeah.
71
00:03:57,620 --> 00:03:59,516
He's a good boy, Max.
72
00:03:59,540 --> 00:04:02,916
He's been such a comfort
since my wife died.
73
00:04:02,940 --> 00:04:05,340
Well, he's all...
Can I walk him or what?
74
00:04:07,300 --> 00:04:09,516
Well, actually...
75
00:04:09,540 --> 00:04:13,516
it's my turn to host the widowers'
support group this evening
76
00:04:13,540 --> 00:04:16,756
so, yeah, you could take him
for a walk for a couple of hours.
77
00:04:16,780 --> 00:04:18,180
Great.
78
00:04:19,180 --> 00:04:23,676
He always tries to hump Keith's leg,
which is a bit distressing for him,
79
00:04:23,700 --> 00:04:25,276
so, erm...
80
00:04:25,300 --> 00:04:29,276
Anyhow, I'm at 12 Lavender Lane.
81
00:04:29,300 --> 00:04:31,516
Right. I promise not to hurt him.
82
00:04:31,540 --> 00:04:33,036
Great.
83
00:04:33,060 --> 00:04:35,556
Come round about 5:30!
84
00:04:35,580 --> 00:04:37,300
All right. Yeah, yeah...
85
00:04:39,300 --> 00:04:42,300
Hey, great tip
about the dog walking, Lola.
86
00:04:43,300 --> 00:04:45,276
I've got the healthy eating sorted,
too.
87
00:04:45,300 --> 00:04:46,436
That's my girl.
88
00:04:46,460 --> 00:04:48,356
I'm going to do vegetable smoothies.
89
00:04:48,380 --> 00:04:50,676
Only that sounds a bit dull,
don't it,
90
00:04:50,700 --> 00:04:53,600
so I'm going to throw in some meat
as well, ease meself in.
91
00:04:58,380 --> 00:05:00,196
Oh, excuse me,
92
00:05:00,220 --> 00:05:03,076
your bag, it's dripping blood
all over my Yellow Pages.
93
00:05:03,100 --> 00:05:04,676
Oh, it'll wipe off.
94
00:05:04,700 --> 00:05:07,796
Well, it's everywhere.
Please, could you move it?
95
00:05:07,820 --> 00:05:09,516
Oh, Jesus Christ!
96
00:05:09,540 --> 00:05:11,756
All right, all right!
97
00:05:11,780 --> 00:05:15,636
Is this what you want? This?
Do you want me to remove it for you?
98
00:05:15,660 --> 00:05:17,516
What are you looking for, hm?
99
00:05:17,540 --> 00:05:20,036
A plumber?
Looking for a plumber, were you?
100
00:05:20,060 --> 00:05:22,116
You're not going to find him now,
are you, eh?!
101
00:05:22,140 --> 00:05:23,956
Find him now!
102
00:05:23,980 --> 00:05:25,756
Find your little plumber.
103
00:05:25,780 --> 00:05:28,356
Oh, Yellow Pages.
Looking at the Yellow Pages.
104
00:05:28,380 --> 00:05:29,900
Oooh!
105
00:05:37,540 --> 00:05:39,540
Look what you made me do.
106
00:05:45,540 --> 00:05:47,756
I don't know what came over me,
Lola.
107
00:05:47,780 --> 00:05:50,356
A red mist came up
and I just blacked out.
108
00:05:50,380 --> 00:05:52,516
Let me have a look at those pills.
109
00:05:52,540 --> 00:05:57,036
"Side effects include increased
appetite, sleeplessness and..."
110
00:05:57,060 --> 00:05:59,356
Yes, "violent mood swings"!
111
00:05:59,380 --> 00:06:03,036
Mandy, you cannot eat these pills.
What am I going to do, Lola?
112
00:06:03,060 --> 00:06:05,276
I need to stop smoking
or I'll not live
113
00:06:05,300 --> 00:06:07,276
to see the Strongman competition.
114
00:06:07,300 --> 00:06:08,876
You should try hypnotherapy.
115
00:06:08,900 --> 00:06:10,836
Where am I going to
find one of those?
116
00:06:10,860 --> 00:06:12,356
Yellow Pages.
117
00:06:12,380 --> 00:06:14,420
Let your fingers do the walking.
118
00:06:17,060 --> 00:06:19,300
Oh, H is covered in blood.
119
00:06:21,500 --> 00:06:22,796
I know.
120
00:06:22,820 --> 00:06:26,340
♪ Eat y'self fitter?
Eat y'self fitter! ♪
121
00:06:31,020 --> 00:06:33,356
Yeah, I'm not really
that kind of hypnotist.
122
00:06:33,380 --> 00:06:35,756
I'm more a make you dance
like Rod Stewart
123
00:06:35,780 --> 00:06:38,276
to "Do You Think I'm Sexy?"
kind of hypnotist.
124
00:06:38,300 --> 00:06:41,060
Oh, go on. I'll give you 20 quid.
125
00:06:43,380 --> 00:06:44,940
And whatever this is.
126
00:06:47,540 --> 00:06:49,580
Yeah, all right, I'll give it a go.
127
00:07:02,300 --> 00:07:04,060
Smoking, is it?
128
00:07:05,540 --> 00:07:06,756
Yeah.
129
00:07:06,780 --> 00:07:09,780
Given up smoking, me.
I've been hypnotised not to.
130
00:07:10,780 --> 00:07:12,756
I'm really enjoying it.
131
00:07:12,780 --> 00:07:14,516
Don't miss it at all.
132
00:07:14,540 --> 00:07:16,036
Not at all.
133
00:07:16,060 --> 00:07:17,756
No, if I get a craving,
134
00:07:17,780 --> 00:07:20,596
I'll just have, like,
a healthy smoothie or something.
135
00:07:20,620 --> 00:07:24,116
And if that doesn't hit the spot,
I'll just throw some meat in,
136
00:07:24,140 --> 00:07:25,916
give it a bit of oomph.
137
00:07:25,940 --> 00:07:28,516
Yeah, I got all this
from the butcher for a fiver
138
00:07:28,540 --> 00:07:30,356
cos he said it were going off.
139
00:07:30,380 --> 00:07:32,036
Most of it's still quite pink.
140
00:07:32,060 --> 00:07:34,356
That's the color
I'd like my lungs to be.
141
00:07:34,380 --> 00:07:36,516
And my uterus...
142
00:07:36,540 --> 00:07:38,180
eventually.
143
00:07:39,540 --> 00:07:41,516
Anyway, what time is it?
144
00:07:41,540 --> 00:07:45,516
Oh, bloody hell, I can't sit here
gassing with you all day!
145
00:07:45,540 --> 00:07:47,260
I've got to walk that bloke's dog.
146
00:07:58,940 --> 00:08:01,476
Hiya. I've come for Max.
147
00:08:01,500 --> 00:08:03,036
Of course.
148
00:08:03,060 --> 00:08:04,716
Max.
149
00:08:04,740 --> 00:08:08,076
Max!
150
00:08:08,100 --> 00:08:10,260
Come here, boy. Come here, then.
151
00:08:11,740 --> 00:08:14,516
Erm, these are his treats.
152
00:08:14,540 --> 00:08:17,276
Make sure he doesn't have
more than three,
153
00:08:17,300 --> 00:08:19,380
but don't let him have
less than one.
154
00:08:20,900 --> 00:08:24,500
These are his, erm, poo bags.
155
00:08:26,940 --> 00:08:29,796
This is a coat for him
in case it rains.
156
00:08:29,820 --> 00:08:35,516
And this is a little hat for him
in case it's sunny.
157
00:08:35,540 --> 00:08:37,036
- Yeah...
158
00:08:37,060 --> 00:08:39,796
Bye-bye, Max. Bye-bye.
159
00:08:39,820 --> 00:08:41,356
Love you, Max.
160
00:08:41,380 --> 00:08:43,276
Love you so, so much.
161
00:08:43,300 --> 00:08:45,820
I'll miss you, my little sausage.
Yes.
162
00:08:47,060 --> 00:08:50,716
Love you, Max. You'll be back
with Daddy soon. Yes, yes, yes.
163
00:08:50,740 --> 00:08:53,116
Love you. Love you. Love you, Max.
164
00:08:53,140 --> 00:08:55,036
Yes, you will. Yes.
165
00:08:55,060 --> 00:08:57,780
Love you. Love you so much.
Love you.
166
00:08:58,780 --> 00:09:02,156
You'll take good care of him,
won't you? Yeah, I won't hurt it.
167
00:09:02,180 --> 00:09:03,500
Come on.
168
00:09:24,340 --> 00:09:26,060
Max, slow down!
169
00:09:31,260 --> 00:09:34,940
Eat Y'self Fitter
by The Fall
170
00:10:05,780 --> 00:10:08,036
♪ Heifer whines
171
00:10:08,060 --> 00:10:11,060
♪ Could be human cries
172
00:10:13,540 --> 00:10:17,036
♪ Closer comes
173
00:10:17,060 --> 00:10:19,796
♪ The screaming knife... ♪
174
00:10:19,820 --> 00:10:21,540
Oh, God.
175
00:10:22,540 --> 00:10:24,956
♪ This beautiful creature
must die... ♪
176
00:10:24,980 --> 00:10:26,540
Oh, God!
177
00:10:28,540 --> 00:10:30,396
Oh, God, no.
178
00:10:30,420 --> 00:10:31,836
Oh, God!
179
00:10:31,860 --> 00:10:35,300
Oh, God! Oh, sweet Jesus,
what have I done?
180
00:10:40,300 --> 00:10:42,756
Since she's gone,
181
00:10:42,780 --> 00:10:45,540
I've...I've been living
on boiled eggs.
182
00:10:46,780 --> 00:10:49,300
I don't even know
how to work the oven.
183
00:10:51,540 --> 00:10:55,036
One silly little thing I've done
184
00:10:55,060 --> 00:10:58,276
to, erm, to keep her memory alive
185
00:10:58,300 --> 00:11:03,756
is I've changed the ringtone
on my phone
186
00:11:03,780 --> 00:11:06,060
to her favourite song.
187
00:11:07,780 --> 00:11:09,780
A bit silly, really.
188
00:11:14,820 --> 00:11:18,036
It's funny, Keith not turning up.
189
00:11:18,060 --> 00:11:20,260
Not like him at all.
190
00:11:25,540 --> 00:11:27,300
Maybe that's him.
191
00:11:28,300 --> 00:11:29,900
Excuse me.
192
00:11:35,060 --> 00:11:37,300
I've got some terrible news.
193
00:11:38,300 --> 00:11:39,780
What is it?
194
00:11:40,780 --> 00:11:42,300
Where's Max?
195
00:11:43,300 --> 00:11:44,740
He's dead.
196
00:11:45,900 --> 00:11:47,780
I think I've eaten him.
197
00:11:51,100 --> 00:11:52,700
What do you mean?
198
00:11:54,020 --> 00:11:56,516
I've been taking these pills.
199
00:11:56,540 --> 00:11:59,036
They've turned me into a monster.
200
00:11:59,060 --> 00:12:02,116
I tore Max limb from limb. No.
201
00:12:02,140 --> 00:12:05,116
No, not...not Max as well.
202
00:12:05,140 --> 00:12:08,060
I have these mood swings,
these blackouts.
203
00:12:09,060 --> 00:12:11,940
One of the side-effects
is increased appetite.
204
00:12:12,940 --> 00:12:14,460
So...
205
00:12:15,460 --> 00:12:18,300
I've ripped your dog to shreds
and eaten him.
206
00:12:20,780 --> 00:12:23,060
I scraped up what's left of him.
207
00:12:31,300 --> 00:12:32,780
Oh, God.
208
00:12:34,060 --> 00:12:38,980
I was supposed to be eating healthy
and all, so it's bad for me as well.
209
00:12:40,780 --> 00:12:44,036
On the plus side, the hypnotism
I've been doing must have worked
210
00:12:44,060 --> 00:12:47,556
because I haven't felt like a fag
in the last half-hour.
211
00:12:47,580 --> 00:12:51,756
♪ If you want my body
and you think I'm sexy
212
00:12:51,780 --> 00:12:54,620
♪ Come on, sugar, let me know
213
00:12:56,060 --> 00:13:00,276
♪ If you really need me,
just reach out and touch me
214
00:13:00,300 --> 00:13:03,660
♪ Come on, honey, tell me so
215
00:13:04,660 --> 00:13:07,700
Do You Think I'm Sexy?
By Rod Stewart
216
00:13:22,060 --> 00:13:26,036
♪ He's acting shy,
looking for an answer
217
00:13:26,060 --> 00:13:30,276
♪ Come on, honey,
let's spend the night together
218
00:13:30,300 --> 00:13:34,516
♪ Now hold on a minute
before we go much further
219
00:13:34,540 --> 00:13:39,036
♪ Give me a dime
so I can phone my mother
220
00:13:39,060 --> 00:13:43,036
♪ They catch a cab
to his high-rise apartment
221
00:13:43,060 --> 00:13:47,676
♪ At last he can tell her
exactly what his heart meant
222
00:13:47,700 --> 00:13:51,516
♪ If you want my body
and you think I'm sexy
223
00:13:51,540 --> 00:13:55,060
♪ Come on, honey, tell me so
224
00:13:56,060 --> 00:14:00,036
♪ If you really need me,
just reach out and touch me
225
00:14:00,060 --> 00:14:03,540
♪ Come on, sugar, let me know... ♪
16378
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