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1
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♪ Oh, Mandy
2
00:00:03,060 --> 00:00:07,796
♪ Well, you came and you gave
without taking
3
00:00:07,820 --> 00:00:11,956
♪ But I sent you away Oh, Mandy
4
00:00:11,980 --> 00:00:16,556
♪ Well, you kissed me
and stopped me from shaking
5
00:00:16,580 --> 00:00:18,916
♪ And I need you today
Oh, Mandy. ♪
6
00:00:18,940 --> 00:00:21,276
This programme contains
some strong language
7
00:00:21,300 --> 00:00:23,276
This programme contains adult humour
8
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TRADITIONAL JAPANESE MUSIC PLAYS
9
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MUSIC CHANGES TO HIGHER TEMPO
10
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Dig in, lads. Don't be shy.
11
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I'm not meant to talk, but, erm...
12
00:01:12,540 --> 00:01:14,620
it's a bit awkward otherwise,
isn't it?
13
00:01:20,060 --> 00:01:22,916
Bit weird, you know, just lying here
with bits of fish on me,
14
00:01:22,940 --> 00:01:24,700
but it's actually quite relaxing.
15
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Like sushi, do you?
16
00:01:30,020 --> 00:01:31,916
I wouldn't touch it meself.
17
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I've heard it gives you tapeworm.
18
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One man had a 12 foot tapeworm
inside him. Did you read about that?
19
00:01:39,380 --> 00:01:40,540
No.
20
00:01:42,740 --> 00:01:44,660
Fuckin' disgusting.
21
00:01:48,860 --> 00:01:50,980
Don't let me put you off.
22
00:01:59,500 --> 00:02:02,316
You haven't got a ciggy on you,
have ya?
23
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Gasping for a fag.
24
00:02:03,860 --> 00:02:05,460
Me arms are covered in prawns.
25
00:02:11,060 --> 00:02:12,220
Ta.
26
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MAN GASPS - Mandy Cutter!
27
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No smoking!
28
00:02:20,220 --> 00:02:21,876
Oh, sorry.
29
00:02:21,900 --> 00:02:24,036
It's a cruel culture, in't it?
30
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You be quiet.
31
00:02:26,980 --> 00:02:28,556
Have you seen their game shows?
32
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I said be quiet.
33
00:02:31,500 --> 00:02:34,436
God, it's like Bridge Over The
River Kwai all over again, in't it?
34
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MANDY LAUGHS
35
00:02:36,001 --> 00:02:37,516
You are a racist.
36
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And you're a fish pervert.
37
00:02:39,220 --> 00:02:40,956
You are fired!
38
00:02:40,980 --> 00:02:43,076
Get out! All right.
39
00:02:43,100 --> 00:02:45,596
Fine. I'll get me coat.
40
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You owe me for an hour and half.
41
00:02:47,580 --> 00:02:50,796
I will not pay you one penny.
42
00:02:50,820 --> 00:02:52,396
Right.
43
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Taking that, then.
44
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Excuse me.
45
00:02:58,540 --> 00:03:00,356
Excuse me.
46
00:03:00,380 --> 00:03:02,236
I'm sorry. I can't help feeling
a bit bad
47
00:03:02,260 --> 00:03:03,876
about what happened in there.
48
00:03:03,900 --> 00:03:06,476
Is there any way I can make it up
to you? Maybe...
49
00:03:06,500 --> 00:03:07,836
take you out for a drink?
50
00:03:07,860 --> 00:03:09,916
You weren't one of the Bulger boys,
were you?
51
00:03:09,940 --> 00:03:10,956
No.
52
00:03:10,980 --> 00:03:12,556
Are you sure?
53
00:03:12,580 --> 00:03:13,620
Yeah.
54
00:03:14,700 --> 00:03:16,356
Yeah, you seem quite normal.
55
00:03:16,380 --> 00:03:18,916
Apart from all that naked
sushi stuff.
56
00:03:18,940 --> 00:03:20,996
Yeah, all right.
Pick me up tomorrow night
57
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from Lola's Nail Bar
on the high street. 6.30.
58
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SHE BANGS GONG
59
00:03:25,201 --> 00:03:26,340
See ya then. OK.
60
00:03:39,460 --> 00:03:40,916
Look at this place.
61
00:03:40,940 --> 00:03:43,556
Not a single customer
in two whole days.
62
00:03:43,580 --> 00:03:45,716
Oh, yeah, there's a new place
opened up down the road
63
00:03:45,740 --> 00:03:47,636
that does vaginal steaming.
64
00:03:47,660 --> 00:03:49,020
How do I compete with that?
65
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You could do vaginal steaming.
66
00:03:52,140 --> 00:03:53,236
Eh!
67
00:03:53,260 --> 00:03:56,020
I am not going anywhere near
other ladies' pipes.
68
00:03:57,420 --> 00:03:58,740
Could do fish pedicures.
69
00:04:00,340 --> 00:04:01,596
What is fish pedicure?
70
00:04:01,620 --> 00:04:04,196
It's when you get these little fish,
right, and you put your feet
71
00:04:04,220 --> 00:04:07,596
into the tank, and they very gently
nibble all the dead skin off.
72
00:04:07,620 --> 00:04:09,676
Leaves your feet all smooth
and relaxed.
73
00:04:09,700 --> 00:04:11,540
But where do I get
these little fish?
74
00:04:12,660 --> 00:04:13,860
Leave it to me.
75
00:04:16,820 --> 00:04:18,596
Is that a gong?
76
00:04:18,620 --> 00:04:19,660
Yeah.
77
00:04:21,620 --> 00:04:24,180
MUSIC: The Carnival Of The Animals -
The Aquarium
78
00:04:40,500 --> 00:04:42,436
All right?
79
00:04:42,460 --> 00:04:44,220
Looking for anything in particular?
80
00:04:45,620 --> 00:04:48,796
Er, actually, have you got any of
those fish that eat human skin?
81
00:04:48,820 --> 00:04:51,836
What? You know the fish where,
if you put your feet in the tank,
82
00:04:51,860 --> 00:04:52,996
they'd eat the skin off.
83
00:04:53,020 --> 00:04:54,236
Oh, yeah, I know.
84
00:04:54,260 --> 00:04:56,316
We've got a load of those ones
over here.
85
00:04:56,340 --> 00:04:58,460
Not much call for them,
to be honest.
86
00:05:06,900 --> 00:05:11,876
Great. Stick about 50 in a couple of
buckets for me, there's a good lad.
87
00:05:11,900 --> 00:05:14,116
♪ Fish, fish, fish, fish, fish
88
00:05:14,140 --> 00:05:17,340
♪ Fish, fish, fish, fish
Eating fish
89
00:05:20,660 --> 00:05:23,116
♪ Fish, fish, fish, fish, fish
90
00:05:23,140 --> 00:05:26,260
♪ Fish, fish, fish, fish
Eating fish. ♪
91
00:05:27,580 --> 00:05:29,836
They're very relaxing to watch, huh?
92
00:05:29,860 --> 00:05:32,116
I always think fish are
the perfect pet.
93
00:05:32,140 --> 00:05:33,276
You don't have to walk them
94
00:05:33,300 --> 00:05:35,356
and you're not that bothered
when they die. Yeah.
95
00:05:35,380 --> 00:05:37,880
You don't get attached
like you would with a snake.
96
00:05:40,100 --> 00:05:41,756
All right, Mandy?
97
00:05:41,780 --> 00:05:43,276
You ready to go for that drink?
98
00:05:43,300 --> 00:05:45,516
Hey. Come and have a look at this.
What is it?
99
00:05:45,540 --> 00:05:48,476
Fish pedicures. Do you want to
give it a go? Be our first customer?
100
00:05:48,500 --> 00:05:50,716
On the house. Yeah.
101
00:05:50,740 --> 00:05:52,716
On the house? I need the money.
102
00:05:52,740 --> 00:05:54,676
This man knows
all the fish perverts.
103
00:05:54,700 --> 00:05:57,596
It'll be round like wildfire.
You'll be swamped.
104
00:05:57,620 --> 00:05:59,556
I've always wanted to try this.
105
00:05:59,580 --> 00:06:03,396
Yeah, just pop your shoes and socks
off and plunge your feet in.
106
00:06:03,420 --> 00:06:04,476
OK.
107
00:06:04,500 --> 00:06:07,396
My dear, would you like
a relaxing cup of green tea
108
00:06:07,420 --> 00:06:09,796
while you're enjoying
your fish pedicure?
109
00:06:09,820 --> 00:06:11,180
Yes, please. Thank you.
110
00:06:13,620 --> 00:06:16,396
You might experience
a slight tingling sensation,
111
00:06:16,420 --> 00:06:18,556
but that's all perfectly normal.
112
00:06:18,580 --> 00:06:19,620
OK.
113
00:06:20,780 --> 00:06:23,156
I can't believe how easy
this thing is. I know.
114
00:06:23,180 --> 00:06:26,116
So, how long do I keep his feet
soaking? Pff.
115
00:06:26,140 --> 00:06:27,540
Ahh.
116
00:06:29,420 --> 00:06:31,660
WATER BUBBLES
117
00:06:37,780 --> 00:06:39,436
Ah-h-h-h!
118
00:06:39,460 --> 00:06:40,676
Ah-h-h!
119
00:06:40,700 --> 00:06:42,076
Oh, my God! What have you done?
120
00:06:42,100 --> 00:06:44,836
Jesus Christ! Ah-h-h!
121
00:06:44,860 --> 00:06:47,036
Ah, Jesus Christ!
122
00:06:47,060 --> 00:06:48,516
Call an ambulance!
123
00:06:48,540 --> 00:06:50,516
Don't worry.
I've seen this on a film.
124
00:06:50,540 --> 00:06:52,596
I need to make a tourniquet.
Ah-h-h!
125
00:06:52,620 --> 00:06:53,996
What is a tourniquet?
126
00:06:54,020 --> 00:06:56,996
It's a thing you wrap around
to stop the bleeding!
127
00:06:57,020 --> 00:06:58,156
LOLA HEAVES
128
00:06:58,180 --> 00:06:59,956
♪ Fish, fish, fish, fish, fish
129
00:06:59,980 --> 00:07:02,196
♪ Fish, fish, fish, fish, fish
130
00:07:02,220 --> 00:07:04,356
♪ Fish, fish, fish, fish, fish
131
00:07:04,380 --> 00:07:06,956
♪ Fish, fish, fish, fish
Eating fish
132
00:07:06,980 --> 00:07:08,756
♪ Fish, fish, fish, fish, fish. ♪
133
00:07:08,780 --> 00:07:10,020
Hiya.
134
00:07:12,380 --> 00:07:14,436
It's me. Oh, it's you.
135
00:07:14,460 --> 00:07:18,436
The woman who made me stick my foot
in a bucket of piranhas.
136
00:07:18,460 --> 00:07:20,596
I feel responsible.
137
00:07:20,620 --> 00:07:22,396
Got the wrong fish.
138
00:07:22,420 --> 00:07:24,276
You think?
139
00:07:24,300 --> 00:07:26,236
It's meant to be Garra rufa fish.
140
00:07:26,260 --> 00:07:28,460
Well, I know that now, don't I?
Looked it up.
141
00:07:30,460 --> 00:07:31,996
How's your foot?
142
00:07:32,020 --> 00:07:33,220
One toe short.
143
00:07:34,340 --> 00:07:36,460
Actually, it's probably too late,
but...
144
00:07:37,500 --> 00:07:39,596
found this. Is that my toe?
145
00:07:39,620 --> 00:07:42,060
Well, most of it, yeah.
Aren't you lucky.
146
00:07:43,300 --> 00:07:45,276
Why didn't you pack it in ice?
147
00:07:45,300 --> 00:07:48,236
I'm in a nail salon,
where am I going to find ice?
148
00:07:48,260 --> 00:07:50,076
But you managed to find a...
149
00:07:50,100 --> 00:07:51,836
jar of pickles.
150
00:07:51,860 --> 00:07:53,156
Love pickles.
151
00:07:53,180 --> 00:07:54,500
HE SIGHS
152
00:07:55,620 --> 00:07:57,796
I'm really sorry
about what happened,
153
00:07:57,820 --> 00:07:59,570
but I'm going to make it up to you.
154
00:08:01,860 --> 00:08:03,940
Got us two tickets
to the Sea Life Centre.
155
00:08:05,380 --> 00:08:07,460
Really? Oh, yeah.
156
00:08:17,700 --> 00:08:19,460
♪ La mer... ♪
157
00:08:20,900 --> 00:08:23,636
I've had a lovely time
at the Sea Life Centre.
158
00:08:23,660 --> 00:08:26,196
Can't believe they let me touch
a manta ray.
159
00:08:26,220 --> 00:08:30,396
Did you know the manta ray has
the largest brain-to-body ratio
160
00:08:30,420 --> 00:08:32,236
of any fish?
161
00:08:32,260 --> 00:08:33,996
Mm.
162
00:08:34,020 --> 00:08:35,340
What's a ratio?
163
00:08:37,900 --> 00:08:39,956
You like your fish, don't ya?
164
00:08:39,980 --> 00:08:41,196
Like 'em?
165
00:08:41,220 --> 00:08:42,580
They're like family to me.
166
00:08:43,620 --> 00:08:45,196
They don't judge me.
167
00:08:45,220 --> 00:08:48,756
They know all my faults
but they still love me.
168
00:08:48,780 --> 00:08:50,460
Bloody hell, that's tragic.
169
00:08:51,580 --> 00:08:53,796
Actually, excuse me a minute,
Mandy, I...
170
00:08:53,820 --> 00:08:55,300
Call of nature.
171
00:08:56,980 --> 00:08:59,676
HE GROANS
172
00:08:59,700 --> 00:09:00,860
Thanks.
173
00:09:10,700 --> 00:09:12,916
♪ La mer
174
00:09:12,940 --> 00:09:19,276
♪ A berce mon coeur pour la vie
175
00:09:19,300 --> 00:09:23,076
♪ La mer
176
00:09:23,100 --> 00:09:25,716
♪ Qu'on voit danser
177
00:09:25,740 --> 00:09:28,580
♪ Le long des golfes clairs
178
00:09:30,700 --> 00:09:33,276
♪ A des reflets d'argent
179
00:09:33,300 --> 00:09:34,940
♪ La mer
180
00:09:35,980 --> 00:09:38,196
♪ Des reflets changeant
181
00:09:38,220 --> 00:09:41,100
♪ Sous la pluie
182
00:09:42,540 --> 00:09:44,220
♪ La mer
183
00:09:45,460 --> 00:09:46,636
♪ Au ciel d'ete... ♪
184
00:09:46,660 --> 00:09:49,316
You going to be much longer?
I'm burstin' 'ere.
185
00:09:49,340 --> 00:09:51,140
♪ Ses blancs moutons
186
00:09:53,020 --> 00:09:55,556
♪ Avec les anges si purs
187
00:09:55,580 --> 00:09:58,036
♪ La mer
188
00:09:58,060 --> 00:10:03,620
♪ Bergere d'azur infinie
189
00:10:04,860 --> 00:10:07,676
♪ Voyez Voyez
190
00:10:07,700 --> 00:10:10,556
♪ Pres des etangs
Pres des etangs
191
00:10:10,580 --> 00:10:15,516
♪ Ces grands roseaux mouilles
Voyez ces roseaux
192
00:10:15,540 --> 00:10:18,476
♪ Voyez Voyez
193
00:10:18,500 --> 00:10:21,356
♪ Ces oiseaux blancs
Ces oiseaux blancs
194
00:10:21,380 --> 00:10:25,796
♪ Et ces maisons rouilles
La-la-la-la-la
195
00:10:25,820 --> 00:10:29,356
♪ La mer
196
00:10:29,380 --> 00:10:31,876
♪ Les a berces
197
00:10:31,900 --> 00:10:36,116
♪ Le long des golfes clairs... ♪
198
00:10:36,140 --> 00:10:37,717
SHE UNZIPS TROUSERS
199
00:10:37,741 --> 00:10:39,316
♪ Et d'une chanson d'amour
200
00:10:39,340 --> 00:10:43,556
♪ La mer
201
00:10:43,580 --> 00:10:54,476
♪ A berce mon coeur pour la vie! ♪
202
00:10:54,500 --> 00:10:55,940
Oh, thank Christ.
203
00:10:57,780 --> 00:11:01,036
TOILET FLUSHES
204
00:11:01,060 --> 00:11:02,596
SHE PULLS ZIP UP
205
00:11:02,620 --> 00:11:03,900
DOOR CLOSES
206
00:11:07,900 --> 00:11:10,100
FOOTSTEPS
207
00:11:14,500 --> 00:11:16,060
Sorry about that. All right.
208
00:11:17,700 --> 00:11:19,756
HE SIGHS
209
00:11:19,780 --> 00:11:20,980
That's better.
210
00:11:22,940 --> 00:11:24,876
Mandy.
211
00:11:24,900 --> 00:11:27,276
It's been a difficult year for me.
212
00:11:27,300 --> 00:11:29,180
First my wife divorced me
and then...
213
00:11:30,540 --> 00:11:32,796
my toe got eaten off by a piranha.
214
00:11:32,820 --> 00:11:35,220
Fuckin' hell. But I feel like...
215
00:11:36,620 --> 00:11:38,100
I've met a kindred spirit.
216
00:11:39,220 --> 00:11:40,700
Someone I can really talk to.
217
00:11:41,740 --> 00:11:45,156
It feels like
you understand me, Mandy.
218
00:11:45,180 --> 00:11:46,420
I may have lost a toe...
219
00:11:47,900 --> 00:11:49,596
but have I gained a soulmate?
220
00:11:49,620 --> 00:11:52,180
Jeff, I should say...
Shh, shh, shh, shh.
221
00:11:56,980 --> 00:11:58,460
Hm.
222
00:12:00,140 --> 00:12:01,916
Mm.
223
00:12:01,940 --> 00:12:05,116
I should have kept this
in the fridge longer.
224
00:12:05,140 --> 00:12:07,916
Mm. Interesting, though, isn't it?
225
00:12:07,940 --> 00:12:09,100
Biscuity.
226
00:12:10,740 --> 00:12:12,836
Actually, it's all right, in't it?
227
00:12:12,860 --> 00:12:14,620
I'd get it again. Mm.
228
00:12:16,940 --> 00:12:18,060
Mm.
229
00:12:21,740 --> 00:12:22,780
What?
230
00:12:23,940 --> 00:12:24,980
What's going on?
231
00:12:26,300 --> 00:12:27,420
What's happening?
232
00:12:28,700 --> 00:12:30,060
Here, have some more wine.
233
00:12:31,100 --> 00:12:32,556
My fish. They're dying!
234
00:12:32,580 --> 00:12:34,316
They're not.
They're just having a nap.
235
00:12:34,340 --> 00:12:36,076
They're dying. What have you done?
236
00:12:36,100 --> 00:12:37,796
Why are they dying?
237
00:12:37,820 --> 00:12:40,276
Old age? All at once?
238
00:12:40,300 --> 00:12:43,400
Well, maybe one died of old age
and the others have heartbreak.
239
00:12:44,740 --> 00:12:47,276
Get out of my flat, you witch!
240
00:12:47,300 --> 00:12:49,436
♪ Fish, fish, fish, fish, fish
241
00:12:49,460 --> 00:12:52,396
♪ Fish, fish, fish, fish
Eating fish. ♪
242
00:12:52,420 --> 00:12:54,756
How was your date? I've had worse.
243
00:12:54,780 --> 00:12:56,316
He wasn't right for me.
244
00:12:56,340 --> 00:12:57,756
Plenty more fish in the sea.
245
00:12:57,780 --> 00:12:59,356
MANDY LAUGHS SARCASTICALLY
246
00:12:59,380 --> 00:13:00,460
Very funny.
247
00:13:09,500 --> 00:13:10,516
You!
248
00:13:10,540 --> 00:13:12,876
Mandy Cutter! Fuckin' hell.
Brace yourself.
249
00:13:12,900 --> 00:13:15,236
You have my gong.
250
00:13:15,260 --> 00:13:16,636
Without this gong,
251
00:13:16,660 --> 00:13:20,596
we have been unable to serve sushi
for three days.
252
00:13:20,620 --> 00:13:21,956
That's a bit over the top.
253
00:13:21,980 --> 00:13:24,436
Give me back my gong.
254
00:13:24,460 --> 00:13:27,076
Finders keepers, losers weepers.
255
00:13:27,100 --> 00:13:29,236
You are so childish.
256
00:13:29,260 --> 00:13:30,796
Mandy, please.
257
00:13:30,820 --> 00:13:32,876
Sir, welcome to my shop.
258
00:13:32,900 --> 00:13:34,316
Take back your gong.
259
00:13:34,340 --> 00:13:35,556
I will.
260
00:13:35,580 --> 00:13:38,476
But I'm still very unhappy.
261
00:13:38,500 --> 00:13:41,636
Because losing the gong brings
great dishonour upon ancestors?
262
00:13:41,660 --> 00:13:48,196
No. Because gongs are expensive
and hard to get hold of.
263
00:13:48,220 --> 00:13:51,996
You think you can just
go into Tesco Metro and buy a gong?
264
00:13:52,020 --> 00:13:53,036
HE SCOFFS
265
00:13:53,060 --> 00:13:54,196
Think again.
266
00:13:54,220 --> 00:13:56,716
Oh, look. I wasn't thinking straight
and I took your gong.
267
00:13:56,740 --> 00:13:57,996
I'm sorry.
268
00:13:58,020 --> 00:14:00,756
How 'bout a free treatment
on the house?
269
00:14:00,780 --> 00:14:02,156
We do fish pedicures.
270
00:14:02,180 --> 00:14:04,196
Fish pedicure?
271
00:14:04,220 --> 00:14:06,076
Well, I suppose so.
272
00:14:06,100 --> 00:14:07,196
Great.
273
00:14:07,220 --> 00:14:09,196
Lola.
274
00:14:09,220 --> 00:14:10,596
Get the buckets.
275
00:14:10,620 --> 00:14:14,076
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
276
00:14:14,100 --> 00:14:17,300
♪ Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
277
00:14:18,420 --> 00:14:21,956
♪ Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah
278
00:14:21,980 --> 00:14:25,020
♪ Ah-ah-ah-ah-ah-ah
279
00:14:26,100 --> 00:14:29,876
♪ Mr, can you tell me
where my love has gone?
280
00:14:29,900 --> 00:14:33,900
♪ He's a Japanese boy. ♪
18939
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