Original subtitles

[SPEAKS SPANISH]

[BULL ROARS]

[CROWD CHEERS]

Go back to Washington for another mission? You must be mad.

I don't care if Professor Alben Paradine wants to blow up the universe.

I'm not in that business anymore.

- You don't mean that, Mr. Gordon. - Oh, yes, I do.

I'm quite content right where I am. Did you hear that audience tonight?

They leaped to their feet, roaring in approval.

Why, the air was so thick with electricity,

you could have cut it with a knife.

Looked to me like they were trying to tear you apart.

Obviously you're not of the theatre.

That was adulation, my boy.

They were just totally caught up in my performance.

We're wasting time. Goodbye, Joseph. Remember me to Skinny Malone.

Would you reconsider if Jim West agrees to come back?

- He'll never do it. - What if he does?

He gave me his word. He swore the Loveless case was gonna be his last.

"| only signed on for one pipsqueak," he said.

You couldn't get him to leave his Mexican paradise

if you begged him on bended knee.

But what if we do?

Joseph, if you can get James West to agree to come back,

I'll come back too without a murmur.

- Fair enough? - Mr. Gordon, you've got a deal.

Fair enough. Bye, Joseph.

Never in a million years.

[GUNSHOTS]

Shoot! Shoot! Kill him!

Come on, kill him! Shoot!

- Shoot! Shoot, man, shoot! - I'm trying.

Mr. West? l'm Edward Jensen, United States Secret Service.

I'm here at the behest of Robert T. Malone, head ofthe secret service.

Seems there's another madman loose on the world.

Director Malone said you might have certain reservations

about taking another assignment.

It means risking your life.

- You got it. - [GUNSHOTS]

Uh, risking your life.

- You got an extra horse? - Yeah, sure, it's out back.

I'll come with you.

[GUNFIRE CONTINUES]

Kill him! Kill him! Kill him!

Kill him! Kill him!

[SHOUTS IN SPANISH]

- Artie. - I am not talking to you.

That's a fine how-do-you-do. I thought you'd be happy to see me.

You swore to me, gave me your word the Loveless case was gonna be our last.

"Never again," you said. "I love it too much down there in Mexico."

- I do. - Then why aren't you down there?

Why'd you let somebody talk you into coming up here?

Same reason you let someone talk you into coming up here.

- Our flag. - What?

Our flag, Artie. Our country needs us.

- Not that bad. - It'll be like old times.

The two of us on another one.

And as for you, you are the most contemptible, lowest, deceitful,

treacherous, disordered, malignant...

You wanna add anything?

I think you covered it all. Artie always did have a way with words.

...pusillanimous double-crosser I've ever known in my life.

Putting ill feelings aside, I'm asking you to come back and help your country.

- See? - I am retired.

Artemus Gordon, ex-agent of the secret service, incommunicado, finis.

Remember Addison, quit a year ago?

Wrote a very successful book on his days in the service.

There happen to be a lot of people who think our adventures are titillating.

"Our" adventures? How did he get into this act?

Outside of going to and from work,

you've never been out from behind this desk.

This madman, now, what does he want, Skinny?

If we knew that, what would I need you two for?

All we know is that after killing his four brothers,

he just upped and vanished into thin air,

only to have just recently reappeared

somewhere in the vicinity of the western states,

our agents think around the vicinity of Parsons Ridge, Nevada.

Well, you've got plenty of young agents actively in the service.

Why two old sagging retirees?

I bet you can't give me one good reason...

How about we could get killed?

I said a good reason.

What do you want us to do?

Go to Parsons Ridge, Nevada, and find out what AP II is up to.

- Who? - Albert Paradine ll.

- Then stop it instantly. - Put a stop to what?

Whatever it is AP... Albert Paradine II is up to.

I've had your private train refurbished.

It's on a siding in the train yards, steamed up, ready to go.

Funny, I don't remember saying yes.

Well, the world may be on the verge of blowing up,

but by all means take all the time you need.

I need a stiff drink.

No, what you need is to get into shape in our new fitness room.

- Fitness room? - What fitness room?

Have you two been away that long?

President Harrison is a nut for fitness,

runs around his Oval Office all day long.

He's set up a rigorous training program for all our agents.

BOTH: Rigorous?

Very.

Should have known better.

My Great Aunt Maude always said to me,

"Artemus, never hitch your wagon to another man's star."

"You never know where the dingybang fool may wanna go."

Are you trying to tell me the only reason you're here is because of me?

Whoever dreamed you'd wanna go back into the service?

I had my own repertory company

where I could write and star in my own plays,

full control over the leading lady, the adulation ofthe crowds,

and because you... because you don't have

the strength or willpower to say no,

l have to wind up being dragged away from...

[YELLING]

JlM: You were saying something about being dragged away?

Who are these guys?

WOMAN: What's the matter with you?

Juanita!

Huh! That's him there.

I never saw this man before in my life.

A Pricely-Thomas bicycle?

Do you two know how lucky you are running into me?

You may have the one Pricely-Thomas that's worth 3,000 dollars.

Congratulations, you lucky winners. Now, you stay right there, will you?

Don't go away. Give me a push for this thing, will you?

Thank you very much, sir. Bye-bye!

Come on, Jim! Hop on!

Wait a minute. That's why you wanted to leave town, wasn't it?

Artie, for God's sakes, pedal.

Not another foot until you tell me who that Juanita is

and why she's trying to kill us.

Artie, not now. Let's get the train and get out of town, please.

I never thought the day would come when I'd be railroaded out of town.

Could have been worse, Artie.

We could have been carried out of town on the back of Juanita's wagon.

Oh, yes, while we're on that, would you care to tell me now who this Juanita is?

- Juanita. - Uh-huh.

Oh, ljust met her a little while ago.

And that bunch that's with her, just angry brothers?

I never met them before, and, Artie, you know I never wanna meet them again.

- That I believe. - Well, we seem to have shaken 'em.

For now. Where are we headed?

Parsons Ridge, have a little look round.

Well, since we've obviously accepted the assignment,

don't you think we ought to wire Skinny and let him know?

No, I think when he realizes that this train's missing, he'll know.

That fathead'll think someone stole it.

No, Artie, he'll put two and two together.

I sure hope so.

Every time Skinny's put two and two together before, he came up with seven.

[TRAIN HOOTER BLARES]

Welcome, gentlemen. Welcome to Parsons Ridge.

l'm Professor Albert Paradine II, but you can call me Al.

Artie... he's the spitting image of his father.

Remarkable.

Well, I should imagine that you're a bit thirsty after your long journey.

Yes.

Mmm. Perhaps you'd care for some champagne?

l have some six bottles on ice over at the Daisy Saloon.

- Should we saunter over there? - Great idea.

Just a minute. How did you know the exact time we'd arrive here?

Jim, champagne.

I knew the exact time that you were leaving Washington, DC,

and every movement after that I knew.

Yes, I know why you're here and what you're looking for.

Shall we have some champagne, gentlemen?

Champagne, Jim.

- Did you kill your four brothers? - Yes. Yes, I did.

ARTlE: Why?

They were a disgrace to the Paradine name.

Suddenly became honest, decent, God-fearing men.

They had to go.

You know, from what we know of your father,

I'd say you're a slice off the old Paradine fruitcake.

For starters, I intend to dominate the entire world.

New and fresh point of view for a madman.

Nothing as brilliant as my predecessors, understand?

Have you come up with something new?

Not new. Something as old as mankind itself.

Man's will to destroy himself.

I shall pit one major power against the other.

Devastation, complete annihilation.

When the ground cools and the smoke clears,

I'm sure there'll be some survivors, helpless, that will be mine!

I shall call this World War |.

Then if need be, another, World War II.

That way I can keep them straight in my mind.

You wanna take him with us

or would you ratherjust slap his wrist and send him home?

I think you'll find either one

infinitely more difficult than the other.

I shall leave you gentlemen in a most unusual manner.

[BLEEP]

I'm still here, gentlemen.

My advice to you is to go back to Washington

and report to Mr. Malone how impractical his order is to stop me.

Then, I must be shoving off, gentlemen. Well, toodle-oo.

Out of the way!

Coming through.

Oh, Myrtle, God has been good to you.

Ladies, has Professor Paradine ever disappeared before?

Oh, sure, he does it all the time to make the girls nervous.

To make the girls nervous?

When you can't see a man,

he's liable to be in all sorts of places where men aren't supposed to be.

- Frightening. - Shocking.

[EXPLOSION]

What was that?

That's just Albert playing with his bombs.

All right, so he can become invisible whenever he wants to.

How does that threaten the peace of the world?

Skinny, think about this for one moment. lnvisible.

That means that this man can walk into the office

of any leader of any nation and listen to everything,

everything that is said in the war council,

and report back that pertinent information to the enemy.

And, Skinny, we haven't even begun to talk about that bomb he's testing.

We've talked enough! lnto action!

What are you two doing sitting here in Washington?

- Where should we be sitting? - You shouldn't be sitting anywhere!

- You already should be in action! - Doing what?

Doing what you're being paid to do, protecting this country!

This is war. I want you on that train heading back for Nevada within the hour.

- Skinny, I think... - Not talk, action. Action, not talk.

Back to Nevada within the hour!

War. Most men couldn't face it.

But at my age, with a bad back and four young children, not a chance.

[VVHISTLES TUNE]

2400 miles there, 2400 miles back,

and how long do you think that meeting with Skinny took?

- I'd say two minutes. - Two minutes.

And how encouraged were you by his attitude?

I'd say Skinny doesn't care much what happens

so long as it doesn't happen to Skinny.

- Exactly. - Top ofthe morning, gentlemen.

Well, you remember me, Colonel Sir David Edney, British Intelligence.

- I remember Captain Edney. - Ah, yes.

Well, in our organization, the best of us rise to the top very rapidly.

Edney, what are you doing on our train?

Well, I'm afraid I've been riding in the engine since we left Washington.

Riding in the engine? You mean you bribed Casey?

Ah, so that's his name.

He refused to give me any information whatsoever.

No, I didn't bribe him.

I simply convinced Casey that when faced with a common danger,

good allies should cooperate with each other,

and he cooperated.

Are you in this country legally, Edney?

This time? Yes, this time I think I'm legal.

- What are you doing here? - Why, what I'm always doing.

Serving Her Majesty, looking after the interests ofthe empire.

Quite a plan this Professor Paradine has. But we simply can't have it.

No, I checked with every sector of our government

and Britain simply isn't interested in a world war at this particular moment,

nor shall we be interested until August, 1914, I believe,

give or take a fortnight here or there.

[GUNSHOTS]

Kill him! Kill Jim West!

Kill him!

[JUANlTA SHOUTS IN SPANISH]

- Full steam ahead! - What?

- Full steam ahead! - What?

KiII Jim West!

KiII Jim West!

Kill him! Kill him!

[SOBS]

What in the hell was that?

Tell him.

- A personal matter. - A personal matter?

Well, my life happens to be very personal, to me.

Tell me, chappie, does it involve that girl with the sword?

Sort of.

Her Majesty didn't send me all the way over here

to get involved in someone else's personal affairs.

lfl had been killed today, it wouldn't have been in the line of duty.

It would have been a very serious blot on my record.

So, you see, it is my business, West.

Edney, l have every inclination to pull that cord, stop this train

and throw you off and see how long an Englishman can survive out there

with the Gila monsters and cactus.

An Englishman could survive on those things you mentioned

for as long as was necessary for an Englishman to survive

on those things you mentioned.

If you wanna survive on this train, you just stay out of my sight.

Oh, well, in that case, if you'll excuse me, gentlemen,

I think I shall rejoin Casey... up front.

Artie, that man could start the revolution all overjust by himself.

Hello, Colonel.

Gentlemen, my assistant, Miss Mirabelle Merriweather.

Isn't she entitled to know who we are?

Uh, Mirabelle, may I present Mr. West and Mr. Gordon?

BOTH: How do you do?

Have you managed to contact Professor Paradine?

Yes, he's at the Daisy Saloon right now,

and he invited us all for a dash of champagne.

Oh.

How on earth did he know we were coming?

There's very little that escapes him, I assure you.

lnviting us for champagne is rather odd behavior

for a man who's wanted by the police of four countries, wouldn't you say, West?

Considering that he's a certifiable lunatic, no, I don't think that's odd.

I found Professor Paradine roly-poly and rather charming.

Don't be deceived, Miss Merriweather.

Under that charming and roly-poly skull

lies the twisted mind of a demented madman,

a dangerous, demented madman.

To British Intelligence and Miss Mirabelle Merriweather,

truly a lovely opponent as a man ever had.

This is all terribly charming, Professor Paradine,

but I'm afraid I'm going to have to spoil your little party.

This man is wanted in my country for the murder of a British citizen.

I'm ordering you to place him under arrest, take him back to Washington,

so that your government can hand him over to my government,

so that we can take him to London for a proper hanging.

You're ordering us? Aren't you just a little out of yourjurisdiction?

Oh. [CLEARS THROAT]

Well, since you refuse to comply,

I'm afraid I shall have to place him under arrest myself.

Oh, please do, Colonel Edney. Place me under arrest.

As you see, I haven't my men about the room. I don't need any.

Oh, well, in that case... Professor Albert Paradine ll,

I hereby place you under arrest for the murder of Winston Paradine.

- Bye-bye. - [BLEEP]

Colonel Edney, over here.

[BLEEP]

You tried to kill me.

Definite breach of hospitality.

I want all of you, understand, off my territory within 24 hours.

When did Nevada secede from the Union?

Everything I control is mine.

Everything within a hundred miles of any direction is mine!

Her Majesty will not be toyed with. We'll bring in troops if necessary.

You still think we're a colony, don't you?

Listen, Edney, if any troops are needed, we'll bring in our own, thank you.

Look here, I'm not at all satisfied with the way this is being handled.

I intend to file a formal complaint with your king.

- What? - President.

You file away and see how much good it does you.

You see, it was so simple.

I could very well have started a war with England and America,

no problem at all.

[EXPLOSION]

Whoa!

Say, that was a wall-banger.

Now, let me warn you, no more fooling about.

lfthere are any problems,

from here on out you bring them to my place.

How do we get to your place?

Simple. Little signs in the desert.

AP ll, ljust want you to know one thing.

As far as all of us are concerned,

you are just another demented, antisocial madman.

Wrong.

Antisocial sane madman.

Ciao, ciao, bambinos.

[BLEEP]

Oh!

Professor!

Professor.

Out of the way!

Coming through.

[WOMAN SCREAMS]

From now on, | suggest we pursue a separate course of action.

I wouldn't want you mucking things up any more than you already have.

Us mucking things up?

You're the biggest mucker I've ever known.

Come, Mirabelle.

What's a mucker?

[KNOCKING]

[GERMAN ACCENT] Come.

Mr. Secretary, you wanted to see me?

Malone, l have here a stern letter of protest from the British government

regarding our handling of the Professor Paradine case.

Forgive me for sounding stupid, Dr. Messenger,

but how would they know how it's being handled?

They got a report from one oftheir... agents.

British agents operating openly in our country?

After first consulting with me

and, of course, with the permission ofthe... the president.

Malone, the queen herself has contacted me now,

which makes this whole mess extremely embarrassing.

What in the hell is going on out there in Nevada?

Why, nothing, sir, as far as I know. Nothing at all.

We do have two agents out there, don't we?

Yes, sir, James West and Artemus Gordon, two of our best men.

Brought them out of retirement especially for this job.

Personally I can't stand either of 'em, but...

With two of our best men out there,

shouldn't something be happening, hmm?

| see what you mean.

[LAUGHS]

- Yeah. - That's very good, Doctor.

Why do they call you Doctor?

Malone, I knew Professor Albert Paradine personally.

And ifthe second is anything like the first,

this world is in grave danger.

I want you to go out to Nevada

and take charge of the situation personally.

But, your pardon, sir, I haven't worked in the field for years.

I want you to leave immediately and wind this thing up.

Send me daily reports.

Get out there, Malone. Take command.

- Take command. - Sir!

Check... Malone's... stability.

You're sure we're headed in the right direction?

That's the way the sign pointed.

Well, we aren't going in a straight line, then,

or you read the sign wrong or something.

You were saying?

Oh, shut up.

Are you sure we haven't gone four miles yet?

I swear it feels like twice the distance.

It just seems that way.

When you get older, halfthe distance takes twice as long.

Thanks a lot.

Let me ask you, once we get there, what are we gonna do?

Try and force AP ll into making a move.

James, say we manage to arrest Professor Paradine

and we bring him in for trial.

And the judge says, "What are the charges against this man?"

And we have to say, "He's plotting to start a world war

involving all the nations on the face of the earth."

And he says, "Oh? How do you know that he's plotting to do that?"

And we say, "Because he told us."

And the judge has gotta look at us kind of funny.

And he says, "Did he tell you how he was gonna manage to do this?"

So we say, "Well, he can make himself invisible any time he wants to."

The judge says,

"Did he tell you he can make himself invisible whenever he wants to?"

And we say, "No, we saw him do it."

Now, James, let me ask you one question.

Of all the people in that courtroom,

who do you think the judge is gonna put behind bars?

- Finished? - Yes.

Let's go.

What is it?

Oasis? Mirage maybe?

Or the most elaborate trap ever devised by man.

Hyah!

There's something weird and unreal about this place.

- Looks like fun to me. - Check your horses, sir?

What?

[LIVELY FAIRGROUND MUSIC]

Well, there's one act I'm gonna be sure to miss.

Mr. West, Mr. Gordon, welcome.

A little bit late, aren't you? About an hour and a half. Been dawdling.

That's neither here nor there.

What do you think of my big, wonderful enterprise?

I can't think of a single moneymaker you've missed.

- Where do all these people come from? - Oh, they come from all over the world.

Yes, must be something in this Nevada air that's conducive to gambling.

Yes, they have their wagon trains and they get off for an hour and a half.

Then they go on ahead by foot.

Suppose they'd pledge their wives ifl had a use for them.

With all this, why do you wanna conquer the world?

It's part ofthe Paradine tradition to want to conquer the world.

It's in the Paradine blood.

To ask a Paradine not to conquer the world

is like asking a baby not to cry

or a typhoon to be very quiet in a corner.

- Would you excuse us for a minute? - Yes.

Artie.

Let's stop this charade and arrest that guy.

- On what charges? - He's talking treachery.

Well, that's freedom of speech, James,

and the number-one guarantee of the Constitution.

Murder. Artie, the man has admitted killing his four brothers.

Is that an empty boast or a confession? You know, without evidence, nothing.

Jennifer.

The bomb, Artie.

The bomb is a threat to our national security.

Here? In the middle of nowhere?

We'd have to catch him in the act of planting it somewhere important.

Gentlemen, all this pontificating about these false charges of my arrest.

Some goodies for you.

Five-dollar chips, on the house, so to speak.

Have yourself a good time.

Adiés.

Well, since we can't arrest him anyway...

For years I've been working on a system for beating that wheel of fortune,

but I've never had enough of somebody else's money.

Here, Artie, run amuck.

Well, thank you, James. I think I will.

CROUPIER: And around and around she goes,

and where she stops, nobody knows.

11!

[TRUMPETS]

- Let it ride, Artie. - Yeah, that's not the system.

We move it to 18, seven digits up.

- Let it go now. - OK, and away we go.

Around and around and around she goes.

Come on, 18. It's gotta work. It's a seven-point removal.

Come on, 18, 18, 18!

CROUPIER: Hey! The gentleman's a winner again!

[ELEPHANT TRUMPETS]

- 13, down here. - Number 13.

- Number 13. - OK.

Artie, I don't see any pattern to your system.

Of course you don't. Why should you?

I'll add this. We take one off of each of four of the tops.

And let it ride!

- Number 11! - CROUPIER: Number 11!

- I did it again! I did it again! - CROUPIER: The winner, the winner!

- The gentleman is a winner. - ARTIE: Oh, I love it!

Excuse me. Will you explain your system to me?

You mean now?

Lady, you got a better chance of buying a share in the United States treasury.

But I'm not interested in your money. I'm interested in your mind.

Oh. Oh, well, you see, there's a key.

- To opening up your mind? - No, no, no, to opening up the betting.

- You gotta lay it all on the line. - I know exactly what you mean.

You must ask yourself, "What's at stake here?"

Exactly, and what's at stake is the whole bank,

and I'm gonna break it right now.

Just watch me. Put it...

Sorry, sir, the wheel is closed.

- What? - [ELEPHANT TRUMPETS]

Professor Paradine's orders, sir. Sorry.

Why, that is... You're gonna leave me with just this pittance?

That is absolutely unethical. Absolutely unethical, unsportsmanlike.

Worse, I've never heard of it. I've never heard of it in my life.

Artie, come on. I think the bribe is big enough.

Bribe? Put that in my bag.

What are you talking about? ljust proved my system is infallible.

Artie, you've been in dreamland.

You're trying to tell me that that wheel was rigged in our favor?

Will the sun come up tomorrow?

Well, it still doesn't prove that my system isn't infallible.

Good. Don't try it with your money, Artie.

PARADINE: Gentlemen.

Well, | see we won some money.

Artie did all right.

Not bad, considering the likes ofthis place.

Yes. How much do you think you've got there?

I really don't know. I haven't counted it yet.

I'd have to say between 10 and 15,000 dollars,

maybe closer to 15,000 dollars right off the top.

15,000 sounds like a nice round figure.

I should imagine that would enhance your careers considerably.

Oh, and, incidentally,

a simple letter to Mr. Malone in regard to his resignation,

I should think that would cap it.

Well?

Well, let's count the chips.

Very well.

Join me in my office if you...

Let's go this way. Follow me here.

[ELEPHANT TRUMPETS]

[LOW GROWLING]

Good morning, my little pussycat... pussycats.

[GROWLING]

Ah, yes, my lovely little tigers, Tabby, Rabby and Shabby.

Found them in India. Personally came across them.

That's neither here nor there, gentlemen.

Have you finished counting your chips yet?

I never started.

Artie, let's not even tell him what the penalty is

for trying to bribe federal agents.

The mind boggles at what I'm going to do to you next

for your rotten, incredible, stupid act.

[ROARS]

Look, gentlemen.

Yes, the Abominable Brothers.

Found them where?

The Northern Himalayas.

[ROARS]

Does Animal Regulations know those two are loose?

Well, from the looks ofthem, they could be rabid.

- He ought to give 'em shots. - I'll give 'em a shot.

Artie, are you just gonna stand there?

If I'm smart, yes.

Come on, Artie, let's take 'em.

I wonder if you'll be kind enough

to take our guests to a most uncomfortable area.

Oh, yes, I'm sure your view from up there

would give you a different perspective on things, hmm?

I doubt it.

You know, you both have been a great disappointment to me.

Yes, you've provided me with nothing with regard to a challenge,

something I could get my teeth into.

[ROARS]

Here I slipped a little noose for you and your necks went into it.

What a shame.

You know, gentlemen, I'm at my very best when I'm under pressure.

Incidentally, I shall be going to Washington tomorrow

to see your own good friend, Dr. Messenger,

who's in charge of the peace conference.

Washington?

Didn't know the conference was being held in Washington.

Skinny didn't say anything about any conference.

Perhaps the most important in this half-century.

Well, we haven't been briefed on world news lately.

Makes no difference.

Once the conference is over,

then, of course, one halfthe world will be at war with the other half.

Then, hopefully, total holocaust.

[ROARS]

If not something similar to it, watered down perhaps.

Meantime, gentlemen, I bid you adieu.

Ta-ta for now, and have an agonizing time of it.

- Artie. - Mmm.

When I get my hands on that cuckoo,

I'm gonna make him eat every word, word at a time.

He wants opposition, does he, uh?

I'll be very happy to oblige.

James, I've got an idea.

Mr. Malone. What a great honor this is.

Who are you?

Professor Albert Paradine ll,

the person you've come such a long way to see.

How did you know who I am?

Oh, come now, Mr. Malone.

Everybody knows who you are.

The brilliant Robert Malone,

head ofthe United States Secret Service.

Not everyone is supposed to know!

Undercover this time, eh, Mr. Malone?

Your secret is safe with me.

Shall we go inside the palace? You look a bit dusty and tired.

Some of my experts there will revive you.

You're not exactly what I was expecting, Professor Paradine.

You, on the other hand, are exactly what I was expecting,

eagle-eyed and fearless.

[HORSE NEIGHS]

This is excellent bubbly, Professor Paradine.

Thank you. It's from my vineyards in Northern California.

I'm trying to locate two old friends of mine, Professor Paradine.

Yes? And their names?

James West and Artemus Gordon.

Would they be Agents West and Gordon?

Well, yes, I guess you could call them that.

- You know where they are? - I know exactly where they are.

- They're on a fishing trip. - A fishing trip?!

Well, you see, in this whole entire area

there are some lovely cold streams filled with rainbow trout.

Chances are they are fishing for those trout just north of here.

But they're supposed to be on assignment.

Yes, I understand that.

I'd like to put your mind at ease, ifl may.

It's Skinny, isn't it?

- Do you mind if! call you Skinny? - If you want to.

Well, you see, Agents West and Gordon would hardly go off on a fishing trip

had it not been the fact that they were completely at ease

with regard to these... dreadful charges against me.

Why would I murder my brothers?

I would never murder them because I loved them!

- Brothers. - [ELEPHANT TRUMPETS]

I want to find that fiendish ghoul that's responsible for their deaths.

Off on a fishing trip.

Yes, you should have seen them, little rods over their shoulders,

can of worms, skipping along with not a thing on their tiny minds.

Well, why didn't they report in to me before they left?

Perhaps you... you could meet them.

I could arrange it so that you could join them.

I hate fishing.

Then please remain here as my guest.

Yvonne and Daphne I'm sure will take care of you,

and I'm sure they would give you anything that you would need.

Anything.

Why don't you sit down, girls?

Now, girls, I'd like you to try and think of me

as approximately your own age.

[ROARING]

[GROWLS]

[ROARS]

Mmm, bravo, bravo! Magnificol

So you like the circus.

Well, Mr. West, you took advantage of me.

This is my chance to play a little game with you.

Mr. West, let's make a deal.

You have a little choice here: what's behind the red curtain,

what's behind the green curtain, or what's in the basket.

Just take your time. Time's up.

- Basket. - Very good.

Yes, you see, because if you'd chosen what's behind the curtain,

instantly dead.

This way, what's in the basket will be a painfully, slowly, horrible death.

[CHUCKLES]

Take Mr. West to the Snake Pit Lounge. Quickly.

[ROARING]

[APPLAUSE]

[PLAYS MESMERISING MUSIC]

[HISSES]

[APPLAUSE]

Ladies and gentlemen, while this snake is still in a trance,

I am going to convert the ropes binding this man into serpents

which will helplessly slither off of his hands, leaving him free.

For this, I will need at least two very strong volunteers.

Two volu... How about you two? You look perfect for the...

You look strong enough. Come, come. Don't be shy.

Come over. Come over. Will you hold my flute? Thank you.

Would you take the ropes off of this gentleman here?

Because those are the ones I will need to turn into serpents. Thank you.

Ladies and gentlemen,

to prove that this is not merely a question ofthe magic of my flute,

I am going to show you it is a matter of concentration.

On your knees, gentlemen, please.

It is only by the mind that it is ca...

Put your hands behind you, please.

...capable of changing the rope into serpents

which will slither off of your hands

and leave you totally free.

Close your eyes, please, and concentrate.

Now, try the ropes. Are they strong?

Do they still feel like ropes? You cannot break them?

Let's go.

Hyah!

JIM: How did you manage to get Gunga Dan to switch places with you?

ARTIE: He's an old stage buddy.

We used to play summer stock back east.

His real name was Phil Liebowitz.

JIM: I didn't know you knew how to play the flute, Artie.

ARTIE: I don't. Just faked it.

Hey! Yah, yah! Yah, yah!

I knew he wouldn't let us get away with it.

That's not AP II. It's Juanita.

What makes you so sure?

Because I just saw her peering over that rock.

Kill him! Shoot! Shoot!

Kill him! Jim!

Shoot! Shoot!

How many brothers does she have?

I don't know, but she's got a lot of cousins.

- She's becoming a big pain. - You can say that again.

I'm sick of having that woman shooting at me.

You should have taken care ofthis before you left Mexico.

That's why I left Mexico. She was shooting at me.

Oh. Oh.

Now... Now it finally comes out, uh? I knew it all along.

Well, I am not going to die for somebody else's affair.

It wasn't an affair. I was drunk.

All right.

See if you can keep her pinned down. I'll go round from behind.

- [GRUNTS] - Juanita.

Juanita. Juanita. That's not Iadylike.

De’jamel

Now, you stop this or you're gonna make me mad.

Now...

Juanita, what is this all about?

Because of you, Juanita had to turn down the governor

who wanted to make her his wife.

That's what this is all about.

That's why you've been chasing me all over the countryside shooting at us.

Nobody walks out on Juanita after she turns the governor down.

I never told you to turn the governor down.

[SOBS]

You don't love Juanita.

It's very difficult loving a woman that's always shooting at you.

Oh, Juanita's very sorry.

Then tell your brothers and your cousins to quit shooting at us.

Basta, mis hermanosl

[GUNFIRE STOPS]

Now, Juanita, why can't you be like this all the time?

Oh, Juanita feels like this all the time.

It's... It's just that sometimes she wants to kill you.

We've got a priority on everything from here to Washington.

There is no way that AP II can beat us there, unless he can fly.

Well, just in case he can, let's get started right away, all right?

Well.

Well, hello. I was afraid you two were dead.

Skinny, what are you doing here?

Getting out from behind my desk, taking command.

It was the Secretary of State's idea... order.

How long have you been here, Skinny?

Long enough to find out that something smells in Denmark.

Professor Paradine I! tried to convince me you were off on a fishing trip.

Somebody must have told him that I'm not too bright.

Say what you want to about the fellow,

he really knows how to entertain a visitor.

Skinny, he's on his way to Washington right now.

Why is he on his way to Washington?

He wants to abort the conference there.

What conference?

The peace conference, the one that our Secretary of State,

Dr. Messenger, is presiding over.

How come as head of the secret service

I'm always kept in the dark about these things?

Say, I ran into that fellow from British Intelligence, Sir Colonel somebody.

- Colonel Sir David Edney. - Yeah, that's the one.

What was he doing?

He was leaving Parsons Ridge in quite a huff,

off to file another complaint with his government, I suppose.

What did you two say to him that made him so upset?

Nothing. We were just pointing out his shortcomings to him, that's all.

Will you look at that?

It's one ofthose hot-air balloons.

You know, you may think I'm crazy,

but, I tell you, one day they're gonna be flying those things

from the Atlantic to the Pacific on a regular schedule.

- I think you're crazy. - So do I.

Oh, what a lovely, lovely day to be up in this lovely balloon.

My child, sweet of you to pour this.

Mmm. Mmm.

Bless you, my dear.

- Professor! - [CHUCKLES]

Naughty, naughty, naughty, naughty.

Oh. Yvonne, what do we see?

Steady as she goes.

- Professor! - [CHUCKLES]

[TRAIN HOOTER BLARES]

ARTIE: Isn't that funny?

You can go for years without seeing a hot-air balloon

and all of a sudden they're everywhere.

Looks like the same one to me.

Well, how could it be? We left that one back in Nevada.

Yes, my dear.

Just think, I'll be the... the first man to cross the country by air.

I wonder how history will describe it?

"Clear-eyed pioneer of the upper atmosphere"

or "A lone gray eagle of the hot-air set".

Pedal faster, Daphne.

The peace conference will be sabotaged by an un-visible man?

Why weren't we the first to develop un-visibility?

Have you noticed anything strange going on?

Strange?

Peculiar. Out ofthe ordinary.

Well, there have been some out ofthe ordinary things happening.

What kinds ofthings?

Secret documents disappearing from hotel rooms.

A mysterious slapping of the Austrian delegate by the French delegate,

who swears he was across the room when it happened.

He's here.

However you choose to proceed in this matter,

don't forget for one moment that I am running the show.

This peace conference is to be my moment.

Just how do you choose to proceed?

The first thing is for me to get inside that peace conference as a delegate.

Mmm. When did we decide that?

Obviously one of us has to work from the inside at all times.

And I'm sure that we can feel free to call on you

for anything we might need, Mr. Secretary.

Nuh-uh.

Feel free to call me Dr. Henry if you like.

Just don't call me Doc.

You understand why I sent Director Malone

as far away from Washington as possible?

No, sir. Why?

Because in the inner circles, he is what is known as ein grosse Pfuscher.

Pfuscher. Pfuscher.

Pfuscher, Pfuscher, Pfuscher, Pfuscher.

He's a big bungler.

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHS]

Well, gentlemen... go away.

Artie, I think he might just be able to pull this disarmament thing off.

If he just doesn't trip over his own ego along the way.

[HUMS]

- Artie. - Yes.

- I have your credentials. - Oh, thank you.

Perfect forgery. I know. I did it myself.

[CHUCKLES]

You're the ambassador of Liechtenstein.

Liechtenstein.

A direct descendant ofthe Earl of Liechtenstein.

- Ah, yes. - An officer in the war.

- Oh. - You were wounded in combat.

Wounded in combat.

And you still have a piece of lead in your leg.

- Piece of lead in the leg. - Which causes a slight limp.

A slight limp, yes.

- Which side did I fight on? - Pick one.

[FOREIGN ACCENT] I fought with the English, French,

Sardinians and Turks against the Russians.

- And now you fight for peace. - Oh, peace.

Good bye.

Artie, we'll keep in touch through Dr. Messenger.

- Very good. - Artie.

Hmm?

Sorry.

For peace.

[CHATTER]

- Morning, Mr. Gordon. - Good morning.

He comes around the corner dressed exactly like me.

He's got on mutton chops and a moustache exactly like me.

And as he passes me, he says, "Good morning, Mr. Gordon."

Like a fat fool, I said, "Good morning" and I walked right past him.

I could have grabbed him there, and visible or invisible,

we would have had him.

He must have penetrated your disguise.

Penetrated? He duplicated it, that copycat.

You had to be mortified.

I wasn't mortified. Girls get mortified.

I was just mad that I hadn't decked him, that's all.

Well... Well, so much for working from the inside.

- Got any other ideas? - Of course.

Well, fire away.

Two tickets to the peace conference, the spectators' gallery.

AP II is bound to be there.

You know, all those years of soft living must have dulled our senses.

In the old days, no one would have seen through your disguise.

Wait a minute.

He didn't see through my disguise. He was right here when I did it.

Let's get out of here.

[DELEGATES ARGUE]

Gentlemen.

Gentlemen.

Gentlemen.

This meeting will come to order!

Any sign of him?

Nothing that I can see.

Gentlemen.

[ALL ARGUE]

This meeting will come to order.

[ARGUING CONTINUES]

Schnelll

[ARGUING STOPS]

RUSSIAN DELEGATE: Dr. Messenger, before you do this,

the Russian delegation would like to ask the German delegation a question.

VVhy?

To determine whether the Russian government intends to remain

for the duration ofthis conference.

Yes. Yeah.

The Russian government would like to know why the German government

has 3,000 combat troops

stationed in Cuba at this particular time.

Where's Cuba? Where is it?

[DELEGATES MUTTER]

The German government denies categorically

that there are any German troops in Cuba.

Besides, those troops are in Cuba for training purposes only.

[LAUGHS]

Gentlemen, if anyone has any combat troops anywhere,

this is of vital concern to the United States.

I hasten to remind you all of our Monroe Doctrine, hmm?

Que’ Monroe?

Once again I must ask, why 3,000 German troops in Cuba?

Once again, as the rulers of Cuba,

I state that those 4,000 troops are in Cuba for training purposes only.

- Shut up, fool! - Oh!

The Spanish government orders the Germans

to get its 5,000 troops out of Cuba within the next 30 days!

It is 6,000 troops, and we will keep them in Cuba as long as we like!

Oh!

The German government invites the Russian government

to station 6,000 troops in Cuba alongside our own.

[GRUNTS]

In which case, the Russian government

withdraws its objection to the German troops in Cuba.

lnsolentel

Maleducadol Malparidol

Ah! Schweinhund!

Gentlemen, no... Gentlemen.

Gentlemen, this is a peace conference!

Please. Gentlemen, this is a peace conference!

Gentlemen, this... This is a peace con...

You put him down.

Put that delegate down.

All right, I am gonna take names and take...

What? Get your hands off me.

On three. One, two, three. Detente!

This is a peace conference.

I don't believe this.

Those are supposed to be responsible, grown men?

What I don't understand is how Paradine got all this to happen so fast.

Artie, I don't think Paradine had anything to do with this.

I think the delegates accomplished this all by themselves.

Let's get out of here.

This is a peace conference, dammit!

I say it's just too much of a coincidence, that's all.

AP II wants to wreck a peace conference

and magically the conference gets wrecked even before it gets started.

Two childish men can wreck anything, including a peace conference,

byjust opening up their mouths.

I wouldn't have believed it myself if! hadn't seen it with my own eyes.

What makes you so sure that AP II had nothing to do with it?

I don't think even AP II can put 6,000 German troops in Cuba.

You're probably right.

It really doesn't matter who's responsible, though, does it?

The point is AP II had exactly what he wanted out ofthis.

Wrong. I didn't get what I wanted.

As it stands now, the... the nations are all improperly aligned.

Don't you see?

It's Great Britain, it's France, it's Germany and Russia

against Spain and Italy.

What kind of a war is that? It would last two weeks at the most.

Can't these devils put a decent war together?

You're not gonna let a little setback like that stop you, now, are you?

Of course not. Fall back on plan two.

You'd like to know what plan two is, wouldn't you, Mr. West?

- Not unless you wanna tell us. - Well, I shall tell you.

You see what I've done,

I've put the little bombs in the various capitals, right?

London, Paris, Berlin, Moscow, Madrid. You see?

And of course when they go off, complete devastation.

[LAUGHS]

My problem will be, of course, whether to blame the Germans for Paris

or Paris for Madrid or Madrid for the Russians,

or eradicate Berlin and blame the English.

- [CACKLES] - The possibilities are endless.

What city are you going to eliminate?

Ah, Mr. West.

What a stunning figure of a man. What a great hero.

How well you did in the snake pit, thanks to your comrade, Mr. Gordon.

Well, this will put some real mettle into you, a real test.

You shall look for where the bombs are in the various cities,

and you have 24 hours to find out.

Sounds fair enough.

Please, Mr. West. Rather a feeble attempt to lock me in.

Don't be foolish.

Mmm? Mmm?

Mmm?

Watch quickly.

- Bye-bye. - [BLEEP]

I got him, Artie.

- No, you got... - [BLEEP]

Over here, boys.

ljust don't leave myself one exit.

Adiés.

[BLEEP]

- You go that way. I'll go this way. - It's eight floors down.

He could push us off any time he wanted to.

- How do we find him? - I don't know.

A quarter after nine.

That gives us a little bit under ten hours to find out

where he is, what he's up to and then stop him.

We may have some time to spare.

You'll forgive me if I don't share your optimism.

To me, the whole thing looks hopeless.

Maybe not, Artie.

Did you know those girls were here?

Not until about two seconds before you did.

Artie, if AP II is gone, what are those two honeys still doing here?

Why don't you go get a couple of bottles of champagne?

I'll find out what room they're in and I'll meet you in the lobby.

Splendid idea.

But I can't, Jim. I can't tell you a thing.

Do you know what he'd do to us?

All right. Do you know what city he picked and where he planted the bomb?

Yes.

Do you know how important it is for us to find him and to stop him?

Yes.

With the fate of the whole world waiting in the balance,

what are you gonna tell us?

- Nothing. - Nothing?

I hate to resort to this kind of method,

but with something as important as this...

- Where are we going? - Jim.

Artie, no interference. I mean it.

I mean it too, Jim. No violence.

I'm gonna do what I have to do.

- OK, Daphne. - What are you gonna do?

I won't talk.

I won't.

- Artie. - Hmm?

Artie, come on, wake up.

Oh.

Boy...

You never cease to amaze me. How do you do it?

Artie, now is not the time.

Come on, come on, how do you do it? You can tell me.

I'll tell you later. Let's get out of here.

12 hours in that room and you come out here with all that get up and go.

You'll have it too,

when you find out that the bomb is here and set to go off at 9am.

Here? You mean here here?

No, no, I mean here in Washington.

AP I! never left.

Dr. Messenger has called an emergency session

to try and get the delegates to mend their differences.

AP I! planted a bomb in the State Department

set to go off during the meeting.

- That's less than an hour. - That's right.

Gentlemen, I spent all evening in shuttle diplomacy

going from one delegate's room to the other,

begging them to come back to the conference table.

Now you tell me you want me to erase everything I've accomplished?

Uh-uh.

I am about to go down in history as the greatest peacemaker of all time!

Dr. Messenger, if you don't cancel that conference,

the only place you're going is up, in smoke.

Gentlemen, we must not interfere with destiny.

But you'd better find that bomb,

or I will do such things to you with...

[SPEAKS GERMAN]

Go away.

[SPEAKS GERMAN]

ARTIE: I don't know which one is sicker,

Professor Albert Paradine or our own Dr. Messenger.

If I tell you, will I ever see you again?

- I promise. - You swear?

I swear.

[SIGHS]

The bomb is hidden underneath the State Department building

directly below the floor of the conference room.

- Thanks, Daphne. - I'm Yvonne.

Thanks, Yvonne.

Come on, Artie.

- Hey, Artie? - Hmm?

It's been nice knowing you.

How much time do you think we have left?

I don't think I can reach my watch to tell.

James, my boy, we're absolute fools to trust Yvonne and Daphne like we did.

Do these hulks realize they're gonna go up with the rest of us?

Probably not. Paradine just thinks of 'em as hulks.

Incredible.

- Thank you for coming back, Alexei. - Huh?

- Thank you for coming back, Alexei. - Yeah.

- Dr. Messenger. - Buongiorno.

- Un gran placer estar aqui. - Thank you very much.

DELEGATE: You got through with everything?

MESSENGER: What's a bit of broken hand in the cause of peace?

- Gut Morgen, Herr Messenger. - MESSENGER: Morgen.

DELEGATE: Encantado otra vez.

MESSENGER: Buenos dias. Muchas gracias.

I am sorry. Thank you for returning.

I am sorry.

It is in the cause of peace.

Funny little man.

[VVHISTLING]

Thank God you're both all right.

- What are you two doing here? - Pangs of conscience maybe?

Professor Paradine made us do it.

The bomb's in a briefcase in the conference room

and it's about to go off any minute now.

Gentlemen, let us put yesterday behind us.

In the spirit of brotherhood, let us forge a shining peace.

But first let us bow our heads in memory of the security guard

strangled by our distinguished colleague from Belgium.

Gentlemen, there's a bomb set to go off in one of your cases!

[SCREAMING]

Stay!

Please, please, check every one of your briefcases as quickly as possible.

[SPEAKS RUSSIAN]

- Toshiro Mifune's. - Mon dieu.

Hey, that's my teddy bear.

It's not here, but this is not my case.

That's my briefcase!

It's a gift of my wife. I mean, she loves American underwear.

Souvenirs.

- [SPEAKS GERMAN] - I've checked all their bags. Nothing.

- Except Messenger's. - What are you doing?

- There's a bomb set to go off. - There is no bomb in my briefcase.

- Give me the key. - You interrupted me.

[BEEP/NG]

[PARADINE CACKLES]

[BLEEP]

I can't believe it.

You're not the two hopeless incompetents I thought you were.

You know that bomb may go off at any minute?

Yes. I set the timer myself.

And you're just gonna sit there and go up with the rest of us?

Hardly.

Found out something rather interesting,

that when I'm invisible, my body changes entirely.

Yes, two sticks of dynamite.

Put those in my hands, have them go off and I'm not even scratched.

I look forward to standing in the middle ofthe holocaust.

You two gentlemen will be in the middle of Washington.

Boom! Gone!

Myself, not one hair mussed.

Well, gentlemen, see you in eternity.

[STATIC]

Something's wrong. I'm not invisible.

Help me! Help me!

You do something. You built it. Defuse it.

I can't. It would take too long.

You pull yourself together and defuse that bomb, do you hear me?

I... I can't. I'm frightened.

I order you to disconnect that bomb.

Uh-huh.

Well, here goes nothing.

Thank God!

I'm alive! Alive!

- There we are. - Edney.

Now you may disappear whenever you wish.

No. You leave him alone. He belongs to me.

We must close the un-visibility gap.

Colonel Edney, you are still out of yourjurisdiction.

Oh, bother.

Take him. He's yours.

Honestly, I've had enough of you colonials to last me a lifetime.

I'm going back to Great Britain for good.

- My regards to Her Majesty. - Really.

Well, gentlemen... go away.

Now, you evil, brilliant fellow, you, you come along with me.

We've got secrets to share.

It would have been such a beautiful moment,

standing in the center ofthe city,

complete devastation all around me,

bodies falling like rag dolls,

work gloves, horseless carriages.

- Pity. - No. There'll be another chance.

No, there won't.

Yes, there will. Yes. Come on.

Bye- bye .

You got your papa's eyes.

Oh, you're so...

- I don't want to go with you. - Come along.

Artie...

Maybe we are getting too old for this sort of thing.

[BLEEP]

- MESSENGER: Whathappened? - PARADINE: Where are you?

- I'm right here. Where are you? - PARADINE: Righthere.

- MESSENGER: But where? - PARADINE: Here, handcuffed to you.

MESSENGER: We're un-visible.

James. I think I got this thing working again.

- Let me have that thing, Artie. - Sure.

James! Now it's gonna be lost in the Potomac forever.

- Good. - But...

Why'd you do that?

Washington is so lovely, Daphne and I have decided to stay another week.

Well, splendid.

MESSENGER: Mr. West.

- Who said that? - ldid. Dr. Messenger.

PARADINE: Where is my activator? The little thing that goes bleep-bloop?

- Well, I threw it in the river. - It shouldn't be too hard to find.

PARADINE: I think I'm going to faint.

MESSENGER: You do, and! will kick you to death.

PARADINE: Don't yank me so hard. You're hurting me.

MESSENGER: l'll yank your arm out by the roots

if you don't keep up with me from now on.

James, don't you think that falls under the heading

of cruel and inhuman punishment,

being invisible and handcuffed to Albert Paradine for the rest of your life?

I think they deserve each other.

You may be right.

PARADINE: I've never been so cold in my life. Can't we rest a minute?

MESSENGER: l'llneverrest until we find that gizmo of yours.

Here we go again.

PARADINE: No, please! I can't hold my breath as long as you can.

MESSENGER: Then you'd better learn to live without air.

The only way to fly.

Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

This is Robert T "Skinny" Malone IV,

present-day custodian of the files of the secret service.

When one delves into the ancient files,

one is struck by the improbability of these cases

of James West and Artemus Gordon.

The idea that a man could become invisible is obviously absurd.

[BLEEP]

My apologies, and good night.