Original subtitles

[ Announcer ]Futurama is brought to you by:

The only teeth strong enough to eat other teeth.

[ Crunching ]

[ Man ] One, two! One, two, three!

Good news, everyone. Today marks our dear friend...

Dr. Zoidberg's tenth year with Planet Express.

- Huzzahs are in order! - [ Lackadaisically ] Huzzah. Huzzah.

Hooray for me! Hooray for Zoidberg!

I will now read the mandatory speech.

"Dear Employee: Has it really been five, ten or 15 years?

If not, please disregard this and get back to work."

Distribute token of appreciation and applaud.

Look! Coupons!

I can get two oil changes for the price of one!

Now if I could only afford the one.

And the car. Ah, the years.

So many memories.

So many strange fluids gushing out of patients' bodies.

Yes, yes. Now here's your pension statement.

It's empty because you haven't paid into it, you dumb stinkbug!

[ Sobs ] You kept track of it all these years.

- [ Hermes Grunts ] - Oh, no! I'm boned!

I haven't paid into the pension, either.

- What'll I do when I retire? - I thought you wereretired.

Hey, I don't see you planning for your old age.

I got plans. I'm gonna turn my on/off switch to off.

Well, I'm gonna take action. It's time to check on my retirement fund.

Damn. Still only a hundred dollars.

A penny saved is a penny earned.

Also, could you get some athlete's foot cream for my face?

He's right. I've got to start investing wisely.

Well, down to my last lottery ticket.

[ Sniffs ] Cherry.

[ Sniffs ] Cherry!

[ Sniffs ] Mule. Crud!

So, you got six bucks left to retire on.

I recommend Tender Vittles.

[ Woman ] You're opening a retirement account for six dollars?

I'm sure a wealthy-- [ Sniffs ]-- mule farmer like yourself...

is aware that we charge a ten dollar monthly fee.

- You gotta spend money to make money. - [ Clicking, Beeping ]

Here you are, sir. Your account is now overdrawn by four dollars.

Geez. I've seen lines move faster in the sperm bank.

That's for su-- Roberto, is that you?Bender! Hey, man!

[ Banging ][ Both Laughing ]

[ Squeaking ][ Stammering, Laughing ]

You old lunatic! How ya been?

Ah, not bad. Not bad. Everybody on the floor![ Screaming ]

- This is a stickup! - [ Screaming ] - Ahhh!

Yeah, I'm doin' okay too. I'm takin' a Chinese cooking class at the Learning Annex.

Cool. C-Can you give me a hand here?

Sure thing, pal. [ Rustling ]

Hey, you! Red! Quit waterin' that plant and get the door!

- [ Gasping ] - [ Woman Cries Out ]

Well, nice talkin' to ya.Same here. You guys are all right.

- Here's somethin' for your trouble. - Hey, thanks, buddy!

- [ Sirens Warbling ] - [ Grunting ]

- Freeze, punks! You're under arrest! - Shoot 'em in the back!

Quick, while they're not looking! [ Buzzing ]

Court is in session. The Honorable Judge Whitey presiding.

The charge is bank robbery.

Now, my caddy's chauffeur informs me that...

a bank is a place where people put money that isn't properly invested.

Therefore, robbing a bank is tantamount to that most heinous of crimes--

theft of money.

As the "surveilliance" camera for that bank...

what all the judge was a-jawin' about,

could y'all tell us what you done seen the day of the crime?

Well, let's see. My memory's a little fuzzy,

but it went exactly like this. [ Whirring ]

- [ Fry Gasps ] - [ All Gasping ]

Your Honor, I move that I be disbarred...

for introducin' this evidence against my own clients.

Mr. Fry, do you recognize the robot a-huggin' on you in this here hologram?

I sure do! That's the real robber!

And I'll never forget his name as long as I live.

And that name is-- [ Gasps ]

[ Gags, Coughing ]

Fry, just give a name! You don't want to look stupid on Court TV!

You're right. You're right. It was--

[ Cell Phone Ringing ]Yes? What?

You say if I testify I'll be killed?

Oh, it's for you.

And the other hamburger will also be made of your lungs.

- So long, pal. - [ Gulps ]

I refuse to testify on the grounds that my organs will be chopped up into a patty.

Ah, the 67th Amendment.

I may be a simple country hyper-chicken,

but I know when we're finger-licked.

What do you say we plead insanity?

A few months in an insane asylum? I could do that standin' on my head.

If you start now, it might help our case.

Counselor, what evidence do you offer...[ Clucking ]

to support this new plea of insanity?

Well, for one, they done hired me to represent them.

Insanity plea is accepted.

Mr. Bender? I hereby commit you...

to the asylum for criminally insane robots...

until such time as you are deemed cured.

Yahoo! The system fails again!

And Mr. Fry, I sentence you...

to the home for criminally insane humans.

Your Honor, that facility has been full...

ever since you ruled that being poor is a mental illness.

Order! Order! The only poor people I want to hear about...

are the people who tend to my pores at the spa.

Just send them both to the robot loony bin and let's go.

[ Both Grunt ]

[ Whimpering ][ Protesting ]

Huh?

[ Fry ] Ow, my head! Ow, my feet! Ow, my head! Ow, my feet!

Keep your chin up. [ Fry ] Ow, my chin!

[ Chirping ]

[ Conveyor Belt Droning ]

I don't belong here, Bender. This is an asylum for insane robots.

Well, you meet half the qualifications. [ Laughs ]

Oh, good! A physical!

Once they examine my fragile, naked, pink body,

they'll see I'm not a-- Whoa--

[ Fry Screaming ] [ Metal Rattling ]

[ Machinery Whirring ]

Wheee! [ Giggles ]

Ooh! Ahh! Ooh! Wah! Ahhh!

♪♪ [ Scat Singing ]

[ Whirring ][ Screams ]

♪♪ [ Scat Singing ][ Bat Squeaking ]

What the-- [ Belch ]

[ Bender ] I find that offensive!

[ Yelling, Grunt, Agonized Groan ]

Greetings. I am Dr. Perceptron.

Let me give you something to help you relax.[ Beep ]

- Yah-ahh! - Look, there's been a terrible mistake.

I'm a human being. See? I'm all squishy and flabby.

- Also, I complain a lot. - Yes, you do.

You need to relax more.[ Screams ] Wow!

Terrific. Now consider the following.

You were admitted to this robot asylum.

Therefore, you must be a robot. Diagnosis complete.

I do other human stuff! I age. See?

[ Door Opens ]

I'm Nurse Ratchet. Please come with me, won't you?

- [ Grunts ] - [ Ratcheting ]

We'll meet your roommate next, shall we?

- His name is Malfunctioning Eddie. - The car dealer?

Wow. I guess his prices really were insane.

He's very excitable. So don't say anything to surprise him.

[ Rattling ]

Pleased to meet you.Actually, we've met once before.

What?

I'm a pretty girl. I'm a pretty girl.

I'ma pretty girl.

Wh-Whoa! Someone had a busy day!

My roommate exploded. Oh, you gotta help me, Bender.

How can I prove I'm human?You could drop dead. That'd show 'em.

I don't wanna! Hey, man! I believe you're a human.

You do?Sure. They don't believe I'm a human either.

Name's Unit 2013. Come on. Let me introduce you around.

Fry, meet Norm. How's it goin', pal?

Still pickin' up transmissions from the C.I.A. on your teeth?

They just won't stop!

[ Woman ] The C.I.A. Cafeteria menu for the week of May 15 is as follows.

Monday, shepherd's pie.

Tues--Cuckoo.

Let me guess. He thinks he's Lincoln?

Well, he's supposed to. The problem is,

he's got multiple personalities-- all of 'em Lincoln.

[ Buzzing, Whirring ] I was born in two hundred log cabins.

And this here is Frankie.

He's convinced he's a lunchroom worker. So they put him to work in the lunchroom.

How is workin' the lunchroom, Frankie?

- It's all right. - Poor Frankie.

[ Whirring ]

Change places!

[ Clattering ][ Grunting ]

Bender, I can't take much more of this.

- I want outta here! - Are you crazy? This place is great.

Electroshock whenever you want it. Two Lincolns for every Napoleon.

[ Loud Slurp ] Ahhh!

Sweet light crude.

But I'm not a robot like you! I don't like having disks crammed into me.

Unless they're Oreos. And then only in the mouth.

Don't you understand? I'm gonna die here.

Ah, quit your belly-achin' and take it like a robot.

[ Frustrated Growl ]

[ Mad Hatter ] Change places!

[ Grunting ]

The doctor says you are making great strides with your exploding problem.

Well, the way I see it--

You gotta get me outta here. I would have starved to death...

if not for that sick vending machine robot.

[ Coughing ]

Gimme! Gimme! [ Blubbering ]

Poor Fry. He's got the munchies for freedom.

We're all trying to help you. We've petitioned the governor.

But he doesn't want to appear soft on people who've been falsely imprisoned.

[ Groans ] At least I have friends on the outside. Bender's been no help at all.

[ Speaks French ] Je suis Napoleon!

[ Chuckles ] Now, seriously, I'm not.

Bender, you should be more ashamed of yourself than usual.

Ah, lighten up, honey. I'm just tryin' to get through a difficult time using humor.

Visiting hours are over. Time for our medication disks.

Help me! For God's sake, help me!

Oh, don't worry, Fry.

I, too, once spent a nightmarish time in a robot asylum.

But now, it's nearly over. So long.

[ Crickets Chirping Madly ]

Thirty days hath September, April, June-- And no wonder all the rest have peanut butter.

- What am I gonna do? - [ Whirring ]

Oh, God! What? What? What is it now?

- You are being released. - Finally! Sweet justice!

- Sweet, juicy justice! - Not you. Him.

Me? What a surprise!

Look! I barely exploded at all.

We can control that with medication.

Fry? Are we ready to meet our new roommate?

[ Bumping, Creaking ]

- [ Gasps ] - Hi, Red!

Roberto? Wh-Wh-Wh-What are you doing here?

I got busted robbin' that bank again.

Why would you hold up the same bank twice?

Ah, that first time was just to case the joint and rob it a little.

What's the matter? You scared?

[ Stammering ] N-N-- N-N-N-N--Noticeably? I'll say.

Now, stand back. I gotta practice my stabbin'.

Ha-haa! Ha-ha-ha. Ha-haa!No! Please! Help!

Stop it! Police! [ Pounding ]

Hey, keep it down in there! I'm tunin' my banjo!

- ♪♪ [ Plucking Strings ] - Geez, Red. Quit cowerin'.

You call yourself a robot?

[ Howling Yells ]

I'm not a robot! I'm not a robot!

[ Screams ]

In answer to your question, Hermes.

Yes, your friend is cured.

[ All Exclaiming ]

[ Perceptron ] You'll notice he no longer suffers delusions of humanity.

Affirmative. I feel nothing. I am a robot.

Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep--[ Dismayed Gasping ]

You've made a terrible mistake. He's a human being, not a machine!

Oh, Fry![ Beeping Quickens ]

♪♪ [ Banjo ]♪ Gonna sing a little tale about a battle called Waterloo ♪♪

Bonjour,y'all!

Listen to me, Fry. Just because you think you're a robot, doesn't make you a robot.

After all, I think I'm a doctor, but that doesn't make me a doctor.

- These fancy clothes do. - Negative. I must be a robot.

Why else would human women refuse to date me?Oh, lots of reasons.

Bio-units, terminate noise exchange.

It is time for you to ingest sandwiches from my compartment.

[ Disgusted Groans ]

Here we go. Just a minute. Aha!

[ Announcer ] And down the stretch, it's Daddy's Little Grandpa,

followed by Perennial Loser and bringing up the rear, it's Lasty!

Come on, Lasty! Hey, Bender.

Duh, Roberto! Ooh, what a surprise to see you in here!

Especially 'cause I didn't squeal on ya, remember?

Remember all that squealin' I didn't do? Remember? Do ya?

Yeah. Yeah. Now lie down and play dead.

And don't ham it up.Uh, sure. Anything for you, buddy.

[ Chuckles ] Ooh. [ Flap Whirs ]

Wait here, Bender. I need to get a disguise.

[ Banging, Crashing ] [ Howling Yell ]

[ Flap Whirs ] Uh, what's with the getup?

I'm in disguise 'cause I'm thinkin' of escapin'.

You in? Or do I gotta kill ya so ya don't squeal?

I'm in! I'm in! [ Nervous Chuckle ]

- So, when were you plannin' the breakout? - I'm thinkin'...

maybe a few seconds ago. [ Siren Blaring ]

Quick! Let's keep escaping![ Grunting ]

- [ Both Grunting ] - [ Barking ]

[ Sniffing, Growling ]

[ Grunting, Panting ]

[ Both Yelling ]

Times two, carry the one.

Oh, you sad, worthless human.Ohh!

Sacred hog of Prague! That was my anniversary gift to La Barbra.

Fear not. For I shall assist ye!

Robots don't say "ye."Relax, mammal!

My robotic software shall meet your calculatory needs.

What is the meaning of this symbol?

That's a plus sign, you pointy-head loony!

Quit thinkin' you're a robot!

- I'll show ye. - [ Rattling ]

[ Straining ]

Stand back! I'm a toolbot.

[ Straining ]

[ Straining ]

You're not a toolbot. You're not a food-motron.

You're not a robot of any kind.

Yes, I am. I simply haven't discovered my primary function yet.

- [ Grunts ] - Okay. This has got to stop.

I'm going to remind Fry of his humanity...

the way only a woman can.

You're going to do his laundry?

Fry, this is for you.

Mmm. Mmm.

Mmmmmm. Mwuh!

Beep.Oh, for God's sake!

[ Gulping, Sighs ]

By a scallop's forelocks. What's with all the beer, Fry?

Alcohol fuels my power cells.

And as a mighty robot, I-- [ Belches ]

[ Bottles Clattering ]Beep. [ Snoring ]

Thanks for helpin' me escape, Bender.Ah, it was nothin'.

It was not nothin'! I want to repay you.

Let me get you somethin' in here.

Hands up! This is a stickup again![ People Gasping ]

Wow! Hitting the same place three times?

I admire your style, Roberto.

Give me the remainin' dough and all the calendars. And that pen!

Try to tear it so most of the beads are on my end!

[ Guns Cocking ]Police! You're busted!

And don't try anything. This glass here is laser-proof.

[ Martial Arts Yell ]Fire lasers!

- Duck lasers! - [ Bellowing ]

Come on! I got a place where I like to hide after crimes.

[ Snoring ]Aw, he looks like a little insane drunken angel.

[ Hydraulic Door Hissing ]

[ Panting ] Hey, everybody. Meet my good pal, Roberto.

- Hey, mon. - Nice to meet you--

[ Man On Bullhorn ] Come out with your hands up!hostages!

[ Sirens Blaring ]

- [ Brakes Screeching ] - Back off! I got hostages!

- Hooray! I'm helping. - Do you have any better hostages?

To show them who's crazy, I'll execute some of you.

How about you?Ouch!

That's going to bleed when my heart beats.

Wait! Take me first!

- Yes! Take her first! - Shut up!

- Stop tellin' me how to do this! - [ Sirens Blaring ]

[ Frightened Chatter ][ Zoidberg ] Oh, the fear.

I'm thinkin' of a number between one and ten.

Guess it, and you die first. Go!

Um, okay.

Fifty-- six-- ish?

Fifty-six? Fifty-six?

Oh, man! Now that's all I can think about!

I'm gonna kill you, you-- you no good fifty-six-ing--

- [ Howling ] - [ Blubbering ]

Don't kill me yet! I'm startin' to come down with Stockholm Syndrome,

handsome.

Halt, fellow robot!

Hey, Red! You're just in time to join the hostage situation.

Which side do you want to be on?

The side that kicks your twisted metal ass.

Fry! Stay back! He's too powerful!

Negative, bossy meat creature.

I know now what my primary function is.

I am a battle-droid, sworn to protect the weak from crazy robots.

I'm not crazy! Don't call me crazy!

- I-I'm just not user-friendly. - Fry, don't be a hero!

It's not covered by the health plan!

Let's see how much of a robot you really are--

[ Martial Arts Yell ][ Squishes ]

[ Collective Gasp ]

[ Metal Crackling ]

No knife can penetrate my skin-tanium armor.

[ Imitates Robotic Drone ]

He-- Help! Help! He is a battle-droid!

[ Droning Continues ]Somebody help me!

[ Stammering ] Mommy!

I'm sorry I spilled the transmission fluid, Mommy.

No, no! Don't weld me to the wall, Mommy!

- [ Grunts ] - [ Droning ]

[ Whimpering ]

[ Screaming ]

[ Whimpering ]

[ Clinking ]We're willing to listen to your demands.

Hey, baby. Wash that off before you put it back.

[ Hostages ] Hooray![ Zoidberg ] Bravo!

You did it, Fry.Congratulations, buddy.

You're a credit to my race.

It was nothing. I-- [ Screams ]

Blood? Robots don't have blood.

- I must be a-- a-- - A squid?

A human! Oh, my God!

I'm a human!Also good.

Thanks for saving us, Fry.

[ Kiss ]I'm gonna continue never washing this cheek again.

Buddy, you may be wrapped in greasy skin,

but inside you've got the heart of a robot.

Aw, thanks, Bender.Just like inside me,

I've got the heart of a human.

[ Disgusted Groans ]What?

[ Bender ] What?