Original subtitles

[ Man ] One, two. One, two, three!

So I gave the cookies you made to Fawn and the kids,

and they couldn't believe it!

They were delicious! But I digress.

Tremble, puny earthlings! One day my race will destroy you all.

[ Doorbell Ringing, Footsteps Departing ]

Could one of you guys get that?

[ Baby Cooing ] [ Gasping ]

It's a doorbell baby!

Hello, little guy. You know, I was abandoned as a baby too.

So-- Garbage, huh? I'll take care of it.

[ Blow Landing, Bender Grunting ] Bender, stop!

- It's a baby! - A baby what? Ow!

Oh, it's just a card! From the orphanarium I grew up in.

[ Recorded Baby Voice ] Oh! Leela, you're invited to a reunion...

at Cookieville Minimum-Security Orphanarium.

[ Woman's Recorded Voice ] Please stand clear of self-destructing basket.

- [ Leela Whimpering ] - A reunion at your old orphanarium, eh?

You gonna go? No way, Josébot.

I never want to see those other orphans again.

Not after the way they used to pick on me.

[ Children Chanting ] One Eye, One Eye, One Eye!

Nice depth perception, One Eye!

[ Laughing ]

How can you make fun of me, Kirk? You're blind!

My eyes may not work, but at least I got two of them.

[ Laughing ]

[ Sighs ] Oh.

Aw, that's terrible, Leela.

But imagine the look on their faces when you show up with two friends...

who eat all the hors d'oeuvres. Well.

I wouldn't mind rubbing my success in a few choice faces.

Set a course for adventure!

[ Banging, Whirring ]

[ Hooting ]

Ew! [ Bender ] What a dump!

[ Sighing ] Oh! Just like old times.

Gosh. The bars on the windows seemed so much thicker back then.

[ Clears Throat ] Mr. Vogel?

- Remember me? - Leela!

You're worthless, and no one will ever love you!

[ Laughing ] You used to say that all the time.

Ah! Those were happier days.

** [ Band ]

Mm. The "gristle in a blanket" isn't half-bad. [ Swallowing ]

And try one of these popsicle sticks. They've absorbed quite a bit of flavor.

Hey, look. It's our old group picture.

I don't see you anywhere.

That's me, over in "Cootie-town."

Whoo! Get a load of this average-looking guy.

That's Adlai Atkins. I used to have kind of a crush on him.

[ Children ] One Eye, One Eye!

Stupid as a French guy! One Eye, One Eye, One Eye, One Eye--

[ All Continue Chanting ]

[ Sighs Deeply ]

Well, it's time to say hello to the old gang.

[ Gulping ]

So? What you been up to since you left the orphanarium?

Oh, livin' in a box, fightin' the shakes. You?

Sellin' kidneys, teeth. Whatever falls out of me.

And what am I up to, you ask? Why, I'm a very successful space captain.

Oh! Wow!

How nice for you, Leela. That's so good...

for a person with one eye.

Hey! You can't feel sorry for me.

I'm a space captain, and you're a bunch of losers.

Uh, right. Right. We're the losers. [ Coughs ]

Well, if it isn't old One Eye. [ Laughing ]

Oh, yeah? Well, shut up, Cane Boy!

He can't hear ya. He's deaf now.

Leave Leela alone. She's leading a perfectly normal life.

She's not gussied up, duded out, getting down, or where it's at.

Now, run along.

Thanks, Adlai. I guess you never really outgrow being an eyeball--

- Oddball. - Nonsense, you're a space captain.

- That's a fine, conventional profession. - Well, you know.

It's just for a package delivery service.

Ah-ah! A package is just a box until it's delivered.

Huh! I'd never thought of it that way.

So what do you do these days?

- Oh, I'm a doctor. - A tall doctor, you say.

[ Gulping ]

[ Laughing ]

Sir? You seem pretty stable.

Have you thought about adopting one of our kids? Sure haven't.

Well, keep adoption in mind. It's a great way to have a kid without having sex.

Really?

Plus, the government will help out with a small stipend of $100 a week!

A hundred dollars a week! [ Gulping, Spitting ]

I'm so sorry I teased you back then.

Let me make it up to you. I can fix it so no one ever makes fun of you again.

You mean, by beating them up?

Because I've broken that blind kid's nose, like, ten times, and it doesn't make any difference.

No, I specialize in phaser eye surgery.

I can build you a paraffin eye and graft it on with skin from your foot.

It won't be able to see, but you'll look like a perfectly normal...

two-eyed person.

Me? Perfectly normal?

Hmm.

Hmm! [ Children Cheering ]

Sons, daughters, meet Uncle Fry.

Hey, why are those kids following you? Do you have candy stuck to your ass?

No, it's called "parenting."

Come on, dumplings. We've got 12 government stipends to collect!

Yea! Our daddy's a giant toy!

Phaser eye surgery is a capital idea.

I'm sure Leela's tired of morons gaping at her eye all the time.

Oh-h-h!

I think cosmetic surgery's great, Leela.

I used to be too cute, so I had cuteness reduction surgery.

Here and here.

You guys are crazy. Leela doesn't need surgery.

You look great the way you are. Oh, that's so sweet, Fry.

But for once in my life, I just want to look normal.

But you're better than normal. You're abnormal.

If you ask me, you shouldn't care what other people think.

You're right! I'll start by not caring what you think.

I'm getting the surgery!

That-a-girl! Right on! Good call.

Wonderful. And while you're under the knife,

you could also get an ink pouch to help you escape your enemies.

That's the stupidest idea I've ever heard, you imbecile!

Woo-woo-woo-woo-woo--

Now, we'll find out if the operation was a success!

Hold onto your hats.

- [ Shocked Gasping ] - Oh! I'm sorry.

This is the wrong patient.

[ Gasping ]

Whoops!

[ Squeaking ]

Leela, those eyes look so great on you.

Bah! I think she looked fine before.

[ All Disagreeing ]

Wow! Look at me!

Although I don't have the hang of blinking yet.

You'll get it. Personally, I try not to blink too much, because it seems flashy.

But when I do, I enjoy it.

[ Gasping ] Oh! I did it! I blunk!

And just in time to screw up this picture I took.

- Hooray! - ** [ "Pretty Woman" ]

* Pretty woman Walkin' down the street *

- * Pretty woman - [ All ] Ow! Ow! Ow!

* The kind I like to meet Pretty woman *

* I don't believe you You're not the truth *

* No one could look as good as you *

* Mercy

* Oh, oh Oh!

- * Pretty woman - I've never felt so unremarkable!

Today, I actually blended in with a crowd! [ Laughs ]

[ Giggling, Chattering ]

Kids, meet the jerkbags I work with.

[ Together ] Hello, jerkbags!

Oh! They're so cute! What are their names?

- Kids have names? - My name is Nina, and his name's Albert--

And from now on, you're all named Bender Junior!

Looky here. My first government stipend check.

Twelve baby humans, 1,200 wing-wangs.

Daddy Bender, we're hungry!

What is it with you kids? Every other day, it's food, food, food!

Oh, fine. I'll get you some stupid food.

Could we have Bender Burgers again?

No! The cat shelter's on to me.

Hello, Leela. I was at a nearby tailor, getting one of my Hawaiian shirts toned down,

so I thought I'd drop in for your follow-up exam.

[ Chuckling ] Oh! That's so handsome of you.

Just follow the light with your eyes.

Perfect! You know, a guy could fall head over heels for a gal like you.

As for me, I'm somewhat interested myself.

- What are you saying? - I've never been good with words--

which is why I'm in such a delicate conundrum.

- Will you go out with me this Sunday? - Sure!

- [ Gasps ] - I don't know what else to say, so I'll just say it.

Okeydokey, see you then.

This is so unfair. I liked you back when you were a cyclops.

That guy's only interested now that you have two eyes.

- You're just jealous. - No, I'm not!

Oh, wait! I am! But my point remains valid.

Fry, I just want to try dating a normal man,

who, if you go somewhere with him, no one says he's crummy.

I think I deserve that once in life.

Be careful with that Adlai, Leela. He's a doctor. They're very poor.

Actually, most doctors are rich. What?

When did this happen? You're joking, right? That's not funny!

Okay, they got everything you need here.

Booze, a couple of peanuts--

They got a crapper in the back. That's one of the things you kids do, right?

Yeah! Then knock yourself out.

[ Screaming, Laughing ]

Hey! Hey! Only eat and drink enough to barely keep yourselves alive.

I'm tryin' to make a profit here.

Daddy, Bethany's hitting me!

Here. [ Laughing ]

These kids yours? Yeah.

Ooh. I'm attracted to a man with responsibility.

That's me, baby. Let me just ditch the kids in an alley,

and we can go have some fun. [ Knocking ]

Daddy Bender? Son?

Daddy's tryin' to score with a cheap floozy right now.

So he needs you to cram a Tinkertoy in it.

I love you, Daddy Bender.

[ Laughing ] Hey! What the hell are you doin'?

Quit huggin' me. I guess you're busy.

- I'll catch you later. - You morons! I don't know what you're tryin' to pull,

but I got half a mind to hug each and every one of you and see how you like it!

[ All ] Yea! Aw, come on! [ Growling ]

I thought I'd take you someplace ordinary.

A place no one could object to. That sounds wonderful.

I'd like an extra-beautiful bouquet, for my extra-gorgeous sweetheart.

Average, please.

Oh, Adlai. I've had a wonderful time today.

No one's stared at me, or avoided staring at me,

or tried to burn me--

You make me feel so not weird.

Leela, you're 999,999 in a million.

[ Engine Whining, Brakes Screeching ]

Thanks for comin' out to get to know my boyfriend.

- Isn't he dreamy? - Totally. [ Munching Loudly ]

Uh, listen. I just want you all to know, your Leela's one standard lady.

Oh, Adlai! Stop.

What's so wonderful about Leela being normal?

The rest of us aren't normal, and that's what makes us great.

Like Dr. Zoidberg. He's a weird monster who smells like he eats garbage,

and does. Damn right!

And the professor's a senile, amoral crackpot.

Oh, ay, eeh, ay. Hermes is a Rastafarian accountant.

Tally me banana! Amy's a klutz from Mars.

- Oops! - And Fry, you've got that brain thing!

I already did. So, Leela, do you want to be like us?

Or do you want to be like Adlai, with no severe mental or social problems whatsoever?

That's the dumbest question I ever heard.

- She's right! - No doubt about it! - Daylight come.

Comin' through. Watch your head.

- Help! I'm under attack! - [ Disgusted Shouts ]

Remember your manners, kids. Forks go in the left pocket, spoons in the right.

Which one of you cutie muffins gets the children's spicy squab?

Me! Ap-dap-dap-dap!

What do we say when someone gives you something?

'Bout time! That's my boy!

And here's your check. Bam!

[ Shocked Gasp ] I gotta go poopy.

Well, you shoulda gone poopy before it was time to rat out on the check!

Come on! Go! Go! Through the kitchen!

You little crooks! If I catch you,

I'm gonna make cutie muffin gumbo!

[ Bender Laughing Wickedly ] You know,

seeing that strange robot force 12 children to do his bidding...

makes me think about kids of our own.

Us? Me? You? Kids?

That's correct. It's time to stop living this vida bachelor loca.

- Settle down and have kids. - Oh, Adlai.

This is the most beautiful moment of my life.

[ Zoidberg ] Woo-woo-woo- woo-woo-woo!

[ All Screaming ]

Daddy Bender, I want a piggyback ride!

Daddy's tired. Let's just have another dog pile on Fry.

[ Fry Groaning, Children Laughing ]

Tell us a story, Daddy Bender!

[ All Children ] Story, story, story!

All right, fine. Gather around. [ All ] Yea!

We wanna hear this one again.

[ Clearing Throat ] "Bender's Arrest Record.

"By the Police.

"On March 3, at 2:00 p.m.,

Bender was caught shoplifting."

Yeah. Show us the picture.

[ Hysterical Laughing ] [ Boy ] Oh, there he is.

Okay, kids. It's 9:00, and you know what that means.

Daddy's sick o' lookin' at ya. So go to bed.

[ All ] Aww!

The grown-ups have to talk. Come on, Ma.

[ Light Switch Clicks ]

Now, to figure out how much money I'm rakin' in off those twerps. [ Chuckles ]

[ Muttering ]

Ow! I need a calculator.

You a a calculator. I mean, a good calculator.

Minus the food, the bunny rabbit wallpaper--

[ Shocked Gasp ] I'm gettin' a hundred bucks a kid,

- and they're costin' me 110! - Ugh. There goes my new kitchen cabinets.

I'm not sittin' through one more P.T.A. meeting!

The kids have got to go.

Daddy? How do I flush you?

[ Stammering ] Just go to bed!

[ Flushing Sound ]

You know, doing this jigsaw puzzle of a pacifier factory...

makes me want to have children with you all the more.

Adlai, I was thinking.

Since we're both orphans, maybe we should adopt a child.

Adoption? Yes, that's acceptable.

Heck, it's more than acceptable, it's adequately satisfactory.

Hello? Imperial Dragon Restaurant?

I've got a herd of you-know-whats for sale.

Let me check.

Oh, aren't you a cutie?

About 35 pounds.

[ Tapping Metal ] What?

- [ Yells Gibberish ] - Hi, Bender. We'd like to adopt a child.

Well, you've come to the right place.

Because Honest Bender's Orphanarium means discount orphans.

Now, little lady, what do I have to do to send you home with 12 orphans today?

Uh, I'm afraid we only want one. Whatever you say, chief.

I'll show you what I got in stock.

I remember this from when we were kids.

The warden would trot you out in front of prospective parents,

and they'd judge you like a piece of meat.

- I'm Albert. - Kind of fatty.

Then how 'bout this little number? Purebred human.

- No vampire in there. - Uh-- Mm-- - Hmm. Well, uh--

If you're strapped for cash, you might want to consider this irregular unit.

Cursed with a third ear, but so full of that emotion...

I understand is called "love."

One time, I did a hundred jump ropes.

Oh! I can't decide! We're gonna have to think about it.

Okay, kids. Grown-ups gotta talk now. Time for bed.

- But it's 10:00 in the morning! - I said, hit the hay!

[ Screaming, Laughing ]

[ Clicks ] [ Leela ] Oh, they're all so adorable!

Yeah. You know,

it's times like this, I can hardly bear to let them go.

Good night, you princes of Maine!

You kings of New New England!

You're under arrest for child cruelty,

child endangerment, depriving children of food,

selling children as food and misrepresenting the weight of livestock.

- [ Electrical Buzzing ] - If you had kids of your own, you'd understand!

[ Buzzer Sounding ]

Officer, would it be all right if we adopted one of the kids?

Might as well. They're just gonna rot in the evidence locker.

Nice ear! Ha, ha, ha!

- Hey, Three Ears! - [ All Taunting ]

I've made up my mind. Let's adopt her.

Her? But there's plenty of normal ones.

Come on, Adlai. She could really use a mom and dad.

[ Children ] Ear Face! Ear Face! Sally won the ugly race!

On the other hand, the children bring up a good point.

She does have an ear on her face. Well? So what?

She may be different, but she still deserves a good home.

Oh, all right. If you really want that one,

I can give her an operation to make her acceptable.

She doesn't need an operation! She's fine the way she is.

Oh, and I suppose you were fine the way you were?

- Damn right I was! - Yea!

Shut up, Fry. Now, look, Adlai.

I'm proud to be different. And I just wish I'd realized that when I was her age.

I also have a tail!

Now, take me to the hospital and put my eye back the way it was. Right now!

Why should I do that? Listen, buddy.

By the end of the day, one of us is gonna have one eye!

In recognition of Bender's generous gift...

of 12 orphans and a government check for 1,200 wing-wangs,

I hereby rename this building...

the Bender B. Rodriguez Orphanarium.

It's good to have the old, weird-looking Leela back.

Aw, you're a true friend, Fry.

I guess there's nothing wrong with being a little weird.

Leela, there's nothing wrong with anything.

We'll miss you, Daddy Bender. We know robots don't have emotions, but...

we drawed you this picture.

So if you ever miss us, even just a teeny bit,

you can look at it. Hey, I smoke a cigar, not a candy cane. Sheesh!

[ Disappointed Groaning ]

[ Sighs ]

[ Children ] Yea! Hey, what the-- Whoa!

Get away! Come on.

I just got all the gum off of there.

Hey! Hey! [ Stammering ] I hate you!

I hate you all!