Original subtitles

[ Man ] One, two! One, two, three!

[ Both Gasp ]

So I says, "Supercollider? I just met her."

[ Raucous Laughter ]

And then they built the supercollider.

Thank you. You've been a great audience. [ Raucous Applause ]

Humorbot 5.0, ladies and gentlemen.

Our next stand-up's a veteran of four comedy traffic schools.

Give it way up for Bobcat Zoidberg!

- [ Raucous Cheering ] - All right!

Earth. What a planet.

On Earth, you enjoy eating a tasty clam.

On my planet, clams enjoy eating a tasty you.

- [ Glass Clinking ] - Maybe I'm not yelling loud enough.

[ Yelling ] On Earth, everybody is always looking for a giant squid.

On my planet-- [ Slurps, Swallows Hard ]

Reload.

So these three parasitic worms bore into a human's head,

[ All Groaning ] and they walk up to the bar and then--

Uh-oh. Wait! Stop! I've got more!

[ Grunts, Groans ] [ Audience Applauds ]

My whole life, I worked on that act, and they hated it.

You're a crazy, penniless lobster doctor. No combination of you should be a comedian.

But comedy is in my valves.

My Uncle Harold was a big Hollywood star...

back in the era of silent holograms.

- Your uncle was Harold Zoid? - This I cannot deny.

Why, I've been a Harold Zoid fan since back when my hips were made of bone.

As it happens, I still have some of my original 78s.

[ Blows ]

[ Projector Whirring ] ** [ Fanfare ]

** [ Organ ]

[ All Laughing Uproariously ]

You're right, crabby. He's a hell of a lot funnier than you could ever be.

Maybe so, but perhaps if I wrote him and asked for a few hundred pointers--

This letter has to be very personal,

so I'm writing it in my own ink. [ Liquid Squelching ]

[ Thinking ] Dear Uncle Zoid, Greetings from your long-lost nephew.

Norm and Sam and Sadie's boy? Remember?

Now I am the most important doctor at the delivery company where I work.

But sadly, my life is bereft of laughter.

"I beg of you, Mr. Funny Uncle. Teach me the comedy business.

Sincerely, Zoidberg." Oh, isn't that nice he took the time?

What's that scribble-di-gook?

This is a fan letter from my rich doctor nephew,

who just might be my ticket out of this flophouse, he might.

[ Scoffs ]

Yeah, you'd better run.

[ Liquid Squelching ]

Dear rich doctor nephew, I can help you be funny.

The first funny thing you must do is put all your money...

in the form of a cashier's check and come to Hollywood.

"Sincerely, Harold Zoid. P.S. Cashier's check."

Did you hear that? I'm going to Hollywood!

Welcome to Hollywood. I must warn you--

There's no refund if you get discovered and leave the tour.

[ Giggling ] I'm just kidding. That never happens.

Now, to your right, you'll see 30th Century Fox studios.

Fox uses those searchlights to blind pilots, then film the resulting plane crashes.

- Neat. - Ahead, you'll see the home of Mel Gibson,

star of the hit film, Bravehead.

Do we have any fans of Calculon, star of the robot soap opera, All My Circuits?

Oh, I am! Me! Bender is!

Then you'll wanna get a close look at his luxurious Bel Air home.

Yes, I will. Yep!

[ Doorbell Buzzes ]

Are you my new hot water heater? No. I'm Bender.

We met once. Remember? Absolutely not.

Come on. Don't you remember how much I was bugging you? Don't you? 'Cause it was a lot.

You remember, right? Look, I'm programmed to be very busy.

Unless you can heat water to 212°, I'm not interested.

[ Doorbell Buzzes ] Have you got an extra "goto 10" line?

I said I don't need a Bender. Bender? That was the other guy. My name's Boiler.

Nice work, Boiler. Thanks. And call me Bender.

That's where I'm meeting Uncle Zoid for lunch to discuss my Hollywood dreams.

Next time you see me, don't be surprised if I've eaten.

[ Trilling ]

Uncle Zoid, you're looking young enough to be thrown back.

Rich nephew! Come over here...

and give your uncle a nice, big meal.

[ Grunts ]

So, here we are, a still-famous film comedian--

And a rich, respected doctor with many surviving patients.

Eating real food in a restaurant, as we both often do.

So, you want to be a comedian, is it? It's my lifelong dream.

Well, that dream dies now! You're unfunny and untalented!

- That's why you're perfect for drama. - Hmm. Serious drama.

Perhaps it is time to give up comedy.

[ Onlookers Laughing ]

I'm putting together a big drama picture right now as we speak.

The script is dynamite. I know, because I wrote it myself.

And with me directing and starring, I'll be back on top...

after 50 miserable years... of fame.

Ah, fame. Where do I come in?

This fame film has a juicy part for you...

if you completely finance it with your doctor money.

- So, are you in? - Uh, okay.

- How much do I have to invest? - Oh, not much. Not much. A million dollars.

- [ Spits ] - Then it's settled. Another blockbuster Hollywood deal.

What can I get you gentlemen? Is bread free?

Yeah. We'll split an order.

** [ "Hooray For Hollywood" ]

** [ Fades ] [ Sobbing ]

What's with Monstro?

He promised he'd give his Uncle Zoid a million bucks to make a movie.

I've only been here a day, and already I'm a Hollywood phony.

Perhaps I could call on TV's Calculon to help, now that I'm in showbiz.

- Since when have you been in the biz? - Long enough, little man.

Long enough.

[ Wrist Squeaking ]

[ Warbling ]

Calculon, as your hot water heater, I would be remiss...

if I didn't bring you scripts that could make you an international film star.

Of course. Tell me about the project. It's a movie.

Interesting. Tell me more. Get this.

For a scant one-million-dollar investment, you can be the star.

- And? - And, uh, I guarantee it'll win ya an Oscar.

An Oscar, you say? That would get me out of this festering rat's nest...

called television once and for all.

Let me see the script.

No. No, I don't like the font. Wait!

Harold Zoid? Was this written by th Harold Zoid?

- Written and xeroxed. - Good heavens.

A chance to work with the legendary Harold Zoid.

He's one of my great idols. And you say you can guarantee me the Oscar?

I can guarantee ya anything you want. Then I'll do it!

Hooray! Here's your checkbook.

[ Hammering ]

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you our director, the legendary Harold Zoid.

Thank you. A more classic movie plot there isn't.

A son who does not want to follow in his father's business,

and that business is being president of Earth, no less.

The son, as it happens, is vice president.

That plot makes perfect sense, wink, wink.

Bender, you said "wink, wink" out loud. I didn't. Raise middle finger.

[ Beeping ]

Now, remember-- and I can't stress this enough-- this is a talkie,

so I want the full gamut of emotions from every actor in every scene.

- The Magnificent Three. Scene one, take one. - And action!

Take back your gilded pen, Father.

Signing bills into law was always your dream, not mine.

Cut! Cut! Cut it! Pooey!

I said this is a talkie, damn it! You've got to emote more!

And you extras. Wave your arms and make faces. What is this? A morgue?

The Magnificent Three. Scene 10, take 95.

Action! And I mean circus-grade action.

Sir, I call upon you not as a president, [ Woman Squealing ]

[ Man Grunting Like Monkey ] but as a father! [ Sobs ]

[ Woman Warbling ] Cut! Cut! Cut it!

Would you show a little emotion?

People. People. Please. Just because it's a dramatic scene...

doesn't mean you can't do a little comedy in the background.

Throw a pie or two, for God's sake.

[ All Laughing, Chattering ]

[ Agonized Sobbing ]

Cut! Cut it! Ech! Yuck! Look. It's all right, kid. We'll get it in editing.

All right. That's a wrap, everybody.

I'm gonna see you all at the premiere, which, by the way, when is?

Well, editing is a long and expensive process,

but we spent all the money on pies, so it'll be ready Friday.

[ Chattering ]

Nice turnout, Calculon. That Oscar is practically on your mantle.

I just pray they like me half as much as I do.

** [ Fanfare ] [ Audience Applauds ]

[ Typewriter Keys Clicking ]

I agreed to be your vice president, but I never agreed to be your son.

Thank you, Lieutenant Smith. Good morning,

Mr. Vice President.

Leela, we're missing the premiere.

My only goal in life is to attend a Hollywood shindig.

Just pay the valet the two bucks. No.

It's the principle of the thing. Besides, I think I see a parking lot up ahead.

[ Leela And Fry Screaming ]

[ Thunderclap ] Father, I have asked you to join me on the White House roof...

so we could have a heart-to-heart talk.

I will never follow in your footsteps.

Here is my resignation as vice president.

No! My son will not shame me like this.

I would sooner die, I would.

- Father! The ledge! - Oy!

Ohh.

The president is dead. Congratulations, Mr. President.

No!

[ Bender ] Whoo-hoo! Yeah! He's a visionary!

Everyone walked out. They hated it. I've seen plagues that had better opening nights than this.

You said that Oscar was practically on my mantle.

Now you know why I used the qualifier "practically."

You listen to me. I'm out a million bucks here.

You get me that Oscar or you're dead, you and these sniveling lobsters!

Dead! You hear me? Dead! [ Both Whimpering ]

Oy. N he emotes!

400 categories, and not a single nomination for me.

But you won this Golden Globe. Piffle! That's the Emmy of movie awards!

- I told you I want an Oscar! - Then maybe you should act better.

The Oscar isn't about acting; it's about earning the respect...

and admiration of the creative community.

- How about we rig the awards? - That's fine too.

[ Ignition Whining ]

It's no use. The tar is too thick. Plus, I think I flooded it.

Well, we missed the premiere, and we're gonna die. Might as well enjoy the sights.

Oh, my God. Sylvester Stallone!

This is where you live? I thought you were a big-shot Hollywood movie star.

No, I'm not. I am an even bigger liar than you.

My career went down the tubes the day they invented Smell-A-Vision.

Calculon's gonna kill us for sure,

and it's all everybody else's fault.

Oy. All I wanted was for people to think of me one last time before I die.

What are you talking about, Uncle? Everybody remembers Harold Zoid.

As a pathetic has-been, they remember me.

As a forgotten relic, they remember me. Bah! It's better to die now.

No! This is one death Dr. Zoidberg won't be responsible for.

Zoidberg away!

[ Cameras Shuttering ]

Hi. I'm Joan Rivers's head. I tell you, I've had so many face-lifts,

they finally lifted it right off my body.

It's true! It's true! Oh, oh, oh. Here comes Jack Nicholson's D.N.A.,

reconstituted in a gorilla body!

[ Grunting ]

Catering.

Oh-- Ohh.

Oh, and here's washed-up actor what's-his-name, Harold Zoid.

Are you presenting one of those tacky honorary awards or just getting one?

I'm a seat filler, Joan's head. My only marketable skill is to occupy space.

[ Chattering ]

You know, the second I don't win that award, you're cat food.

Right, Boxy? [ Beeping ]

[ Whimpering ]

** [ Theme ]

[ Announcer ] And now, the host of the 1,074th Academy Awards,

Billy Crystal!

- Now I know how a Pez dispenser feels. - [ Grunting ]

You like that one, Jack? [ Grunting ]

All right. We're already one hour behind. [ Gorilla Grunting ]

Our first award tonight: best cinematography in a non-visible spectrum.

[ Rumbling ]

It's been two weeks. You wanna play tic-tac-toe again before we eat our shoes?

No. I always knew I'd die at the bottom of a pit,

but a pit full of tar? [ Crashing ]

What was that? A tar dolphin or a tar shark?

It's some kind of hollow tube devoid of human life.

[ Gasps ] The Los Angeles subway! We can blast our way in and escape!

All right, but I still feel like having a shoe.

- ** [ Theme ] - What category are they on?

They're giving out the minor technical awards. I think they're up to writing.

That just leaves best soft drink product placement and then best actor.

- We don't have much time. - And the nominees for best soft drink product placement are--

[ Soda Machine ] Star Trek: The Pepsi Generation.

They Call Me Mr. Pibb.

And Snow White and the 7 UPs.

[ Audience Applauds ]

And now, to present the award for best actor, a bit player...

in the flop movie, The Magnificent Three, Dr. Zoidberg!

[ Audience Cheers ]

- [ Cheers Increase ] - Okay, Boxy. Keep your prong on the trigger.

- [ Zoid Gulps ] - And the nominees for best actor are--

Sir Laurence-- [ Screeches ] in The Merchant of Venus.

Hive Mind Gamma 7-X in Bikini Party Summer.

The Soda Machine Robot in Bikini Party Summer.

Mark Jones in How Beige Was My Jacket.

And, instead of the fifth guy--

Calculon, for his powerhouse performance in The Magnificent Three.

[ Audience Murmuring ]

Uh-oh. He read the wrong name. Shh. Just play along like they did for Marisa Tomei.

Hooray! I won't be murdered! I'll live another day,

another day of pathetic, forgotten misery.

And the winner is--

And the winner-- instead of any of the nominees--

is the legendary Harold Zoid!

Oh! Oh! Oh! Oh!

[ All ] What? Huh?

Thank you. Thank you so much. You know, through all my ups and downs,

I always thought the most important thing in life was to win an Oscar,

but tonight I realize what's really important is to win two Oscars!

Ha! Ha! I'm kidding. I'm kidding.

What really matters in life is that people care about you,

- whether it's a whole crowd, - [ Man Snoring ]

or just one diehard fan.

[ All ] Aww.

[ Grunting ]

Thank you, nephew. Now I can die happy,

10 seconds from now, when Calculon kills us.

- [ Calculon ] Harold Zoid! - [ Bender ] Hit the deck!

- Where's that Oscar? - Here. Enjoy. What are you getting upset?

It's slightly less fraudulent for you to have it.

Yes. Yes, it's a real beauty.

Someday I hope to win one of my own.

Then you're not gonna kill us, Your Majesty?

Nay. I respect and admire Harold Zoid too much to beat him to death with his own Oscar.

[ All Cheering ] [ Rumbling ]

Earthquake! Hit the deck!

Let the earth quake! I've got somebody's Oscar!

We made it! I'm at a Hollywood party.

I'm sorry, sir. This is a private-- Oh, pardon me.

I see you're with Mr. Stallone.