Original subtitles

[ Man ] One, two! One, two, three!

[ Barking, Bleating, Whinnying ]

[ Whinnying ] [ Pig Oinking ]

Is Nibbler stoked for the big pet show?

He oughta be, with all the strict training I've been putting him through.

Nibbler, roll over, and you get a ham.

Roll over. Roll over for the ham.

[ Whimpering ]

You are so adorable. Who wants a ham?

[ Snorting, Gulps ]

Zooka barooka!

First prize is $500 and a year's supply of dog food!

Five hundred dollars, you say?

Dog food, you say? [ Slurping ]

[ Barking ]

[ Bleating ] [ Fry ] Man, that dog's gonna be hard to beat.

Look at him bring in the sheep.

One sheep, two sheep-- [ Yawns ] Three sheep.

[ Snoring, Whistling ] The dog's good.

But our real competition is the hypno-toad.

[ Electronic Humming Sound ]

[ Bleating ]

[ Muttering ] [ Humming Sound ]

[ Crowd Cheering ]

Your turn, Nibbler honey. Herd those sheep!

[ Bleating ]

[ Bleating Continues ] Come on, Nibbler!

[ Chomping, Slobbering, Gulping ]

[ Belches ]

Ma'am, I have a late entry.

My hard-shelled whooping terrier, Mr. Zoidberg.

[ High-pitched Whooping ]

[ Whooping ]

Faster! Faster! [ Whooping ]

Oh! [ Grunting ]

[ Crowd Cheering ]

Ow. Suck in that gut! You want to be spayed?

Ahh.

[ Giggling ]

Silence, you cur! Puff out that brisket.

** [ Flamenco ]

[ Rhythmic Clacking ]

I should be weeping! I'm not weeping!

[ Fearful Warbling ]

[ Laughing ] I love these things!

[ Growling ] [ Screaming ]

Shake paws, Nibbler. Come on. Shake.

He might be a little hungry. Shake, boy!

Usually he's had more ham by now. Shake!

[ Angry Babbling ]

- [ Yells, Grunting ] - [ Gasps ]

[ Screaming ]

[ Scream Growing Louder ]

[ Screeching ]

[ Screaming, Gasping ]

[ Cheering ]

Third prize, a party-sized keg of guinea pigs,

goes to Dave Spiegel...

and his owner, Fluffers.

[ Cheering, Applauding ]

Second prize, this lovely afghan made from an Afghan,

goes to Bender and his whooping terrier!

Second place? That's a fancy word for losing!

You... didn't... stick your landing!

- Forgive me, my friend. - Never!

And before we announce the winner,

we have a special award for a first-time contestant--

Ms. Leela and her mystery pet, Nibbler. [ Gasps ]

Me? Award?

Him? Me? Good?

That's just the kind of eloquence you'd expect from the owner of...

Dumbest Pet in Show!

[ Crowd Laughing, Jeering ]

And the grand-prize winner--

[ Droning ] the hypno-toad.

[ Electronic Humming ]

All glory to the hypno-toad.

[ Siren Wailing ]

[ Sighs ] Maybe they're right. Maybe Nibbler is dumb.

Don't listen to them!

People said I was dumb, but I proved them.

Good news, everyone!

We were supposed to make a delivery to the planet Tweenis 12,

but it's been completely destroyed.

- Why is that good news? - They paid in advance.

- [ Twanging Sound ] - Excuse me.

This is mighty strange.

First the civilization of Space Rome collapsed,

then Don Martin III went kerflooey,

and now Tweenis 12.

- Looks like this planet is next in line. - That's Earth.

- The planet we live on? - I'd hate to be those guys.

[ Sniffing, Chirping ]

[ Panicked Babbling ]

Ooh! What's got into him?

He's twitching like Zoidberg when someone mentions the word "food."

[ Growling ] What now?

[ Chirping ] No! Nibbler, come back!

Too bad Nibbler's not around.

I guess I'll have to eat this raw, dripping ham by myself.

[ Electronic Humming ] Nibbler?

Nibbler, you're scaring me.

[ Gasps, Screams ]

[ Panting, Grunts ]

[ Gasps ] Nibbler!

[ Grunting ]

Am I going crazy?

Have my years of wild hedonism finally caught up with me?

[ Gasps ] Nibbler, help! Don't leave me here!

[ Whimpering ]

[ Excited Babbling ]

[ Leela Groaning ]

Uh, Nibbler, could you scooch the seat up just a little bit?

[ Muttering ]

Leela back yet? Fry, help me! My heart stopped beating!

You don't have a heart. You're a robot. Sure. Right.

Robot. Oh, Fry, my skin's all dry and clanky!

Well, yeah. Robots are made of metal.

Am I a robot?

If this is some kind of scam, I don't get it. You already have my power of attorney.

Fry! [ Gasping ] My skin!

Ow! Ow! Ow!

I'm a genius. Ow! Ow!

[ Gurgling ]

Dr. Zoidberg, why is everyone acting so weird?

Zoidbee want balloon. Want balloon now!

Zoidbee want go outside!

Ah, I just let you back in!

This is unbelievable.

I thought you were a furry little moron, but here you are flying an adorable spaceship.

If only you could talk. [ Babbling ]

Wait! I understood that. [ Babbling ]

You say you're transmitting your thoughts directly to my brain?

Yeah. [ Babbling ]

You say those awful flying brains are making everyone on Earth stupid?

[ Babbling ]

Oh! Stupider.

And you go on to say that we're headed for your home planet,

where your race has lived since the beginning of the universe?

-[ Affirmative Chirp ] -So, how did the universe begin?

[ Babbling, Low Growling ]

[ Babbling, Low Grunting ]

Then the meaning of existence-- [ Beeps ]

So every religion is wrong!

[ Gargling ]

** [ Uptempo ]

[ Grunting ]

[ Grunts ] [ Giggling ]

You fell. Hi!

Today some bad things happened.

One bad thing was a train got crashed in New Jersey.

Want to see?

People won't be late for work, though, because the governor lady said,

[ Mock Stern Voice ] "I'm sending in more trains." [ Horn Blows ]

[ Chattering ] Wait for me!

Morbo can't understand his teleprompter.

He forgot how you say that letter that looks like a man with a hat.

It's a "T." It goes "tuh."

Hello, little man. I will destroy you!

Man, even the newsmonster is acting strange.

- What are we gonna do? - Duh. I know!

Let's play the lottery! No! Let's buy Internet stock.

On margin! Zoidbee wanna buy on margin.

Look at me! I'm invisible.

Wait a minute. I know what's going on here. You've all become idiots!

Hey, let's all join the Reform Party!

[ Cheering ] Oh, yeah!

Welcome back, Lord Nibbler, Ambassador to Earth, home world of the pizza bagel.

[ Low Voice ] Thank you. I bear many receipts for reimbursement.

The four welcomes a friendship to you as well, Leela.

We shall manipulate your mind, so we appear to be speaking your language.

- Do not be afraid, my child. - I'm not afraid.

Uh, good. Good.

So your real name is Lord Nibbler? That's a coincidence.

That name is for your sake.

In the time it would take to pronounce one letter of my true name,

a trillion cosmoses would flare into existence and sink into eternal night.

[ Chuckling ] Oh, you're all so cute!

No, we're not. We Nibblonians are an ancient and powerful race.

Behold-- When the universe was forged in the crucible of the big bang,

our mighty race was already 17 years old.

- Aww! - [ Growling ]

[ Thunderclaps ] For the first millisecond of time, things were okay,

but then there arose a terrible enemy-- the Brain Spawn.

[ Agitated Babbling ]

Ever since, we have waged unceasing war...

against these dreadful--

Lunch is ready. Then let the feast of a thousand hams begin!

[ Slurping, Gobbling Sounds ]

[ Belching ]

So why are these Brain Spawn attacking Earth, Nibbler?

The Brain Spawn hate all consciousness.

The thoughts of others screech at them like the forced laughs...

of a billion art-house movie patrons.

Thus they travel from world to world, making everyone stupid...

in order to wipe out all thought in the universe.

Wipe out all thought? My God! They're like flying televisions!

And even we are powerless to stop them,

fearsome though we are. [ Purring ]

There is but one being who can resist them--

a child of destiny whose bizarre brain-wave pattern...

makes him immune to the Brain Spawn attack.

- He is the hope of the universe. - [ Gasps ]

The fate of your world-- perhaps all worlds--

rests in his special mind.

Now, when you say "special--"

[ People Screaming ]

[ Siren Wailing ]

Attention, New New Yorkers!

Stop acting so stupid!

[ Amplified Squawk ] [ Screams ]

[ Leader #1 ] Nibblonian fleet holding at perimeter of Moron Zone, formerly known as Earth.

Why would Fry be immune to the flying brains?

Because he doesn't shower?

The Brain Spawn suppress intelligence by attacking the delta brain wave.

[ Beeping ] Every animal and robot in the universe generates this wave,

as do certain trees.

[ Nibbler ] Fry, however, does not. [ Flatline Tone ]

Somehow he has cobbled together a random assortment of other brain waves...

into a working mind.

Like a prom dress made from carpet remnants.

Yes, like your prom dress.

The Brain Spawn are commanded by a giant, evil brain...

with a gooey center of pure hate.

Only Fry, with his superior yet inferior mind, can approach it.

You must tell him to disable it. We will do the rest.

- You can count on me. - No, we can't.

Once on Earth, you will be too stupid to remember the message.

That's why we wrote it down for you.

We've also prepared a bag lunch and some mittens.

Time to reeducate you dunce bags. We'll start with U.S. presidents.

This was our first president, George Washington.

Let's review. Who was our first president?

Um-- [ All Mumbling ]

A pickle jar? Thomas Jefferson?

[ Whistling ]

Leela! I've been so worried! Are you a bonehead?

I have to tell--

must-- important-- something.

Whoa, whoa. Slow down. You're going a mile a minute.

This! You for this.

Thanks! [ Blows Nose ]

No!

Ow! Fire hot!

The professie will help.

[ Screams ] Fire indeed hot!

[ Gasps ]

Oh! Chester A. Arthur fall down.

Brain! Brain make people dumb.

No, Leela. Brain make people smart.

[ Frustrated Grunt ]

[ Low Scream ] You go fight biggest brain of all.

Even bigger than those? Holy nuts! Where is it?

- [ Slurred ] I don't know. - Hmm.

A giant brain is basically a giant nerd,

and where would a giant nerd be? [ Dramatic Gasp ]

[ Fry ] The library! [ Panting ]

[ Gasps ] [ Grunts ]

Pathetic human race.

Arranging their knowledge by category just made it easier to absorb.

Dewey, you fool! Your decimal system has played right into my hands.

[ Sinister Laughing ]

- [ Gasps ] What do you want? - I'm here to kick your ass!

Wishful thinking.

We have long since evolved beyond the need for asses.

Odd. My stupefaction field is having no effect on your ability to think.

That's right! I think you'll find that a little knowledge is a dangerous thing!

Okay. Better think of a new plan.

Come on, Fry. Think. Thinking. Thinking.

[ Groaning ] Stop that!

Hey, thinking hurts him. Maybe I can think of a way to use that.

- [ Groaning ] - Aha! Prepare to be thought at!

Leela, give me a topic. Duh!

- Seriously. I can't think of anything. - [ Laughing ]

[ Whimpering ]

I gotta find something to make me think.

Hardy Boys. Too easy. Nancy Drew. Too hard.

Ah! Perfect. Bonfire of the Vanities!

No! It's unbearable!

The brains are weakening. Nibblonians to Nibble stations.

Prepare Cuddle Bug for deployment in 40 nibblets.

[ Sighs ] Sometimes I fear we ar cute.

Oh, niggle-snoosh!

[ Groaning ] Take that! And that!

This sentence I don't understand, but take this one!

[ Groans ] You have not won yet.

Each book in this room is a gateway to a mental realm,

and I shall take you there and imprison you forever!

[ Whimpering ] Icky!

[ Bird Screeches ]

[ Blubbering ] Where are we?

A gold doubloon to the man who first spies the white whale.

- Big whale over there! - Arr! I saw it first.

Wait! That no white whale. It gray thinkie whale.

Queequeg, let go of me. I have to kill it!

Farewell!

You will all be trapped in this dense symbolist tome...

forever!

Huh? Follow him! It's our only way out.

[ All Grunting ]

[ Both Groaning ]

Excuse me. Have you seen a giant brain?

Yep. I let him help me whitewash Aunt Polly's fence.

Tom Sawyer, you tricked me.

This is less fun than previously indicated.

Let this corny slice of Americana be your tomb for all eternity.

Please, no! Come on!

[ Groaning Continues ]

Mr. Fry, Mama tells us you're quite the oddity.

A bachelor at your age. You think I'm an oddity? Wait till you see--

Presenting the most eligible landowner in all Hartfordshire,

Mr. Brainley.

I'm a gigantic brain!

I say! Most ungentleman-like!

Mr. Brainley, what news have you of the London season?

Well-- Hey, brainey! Think fast!

I always think fast. [ Screams ]

The whale-- he be white now!

[ Grunting, Gasping ] Ow!

Leela, I've got an idea. Stay here with Queequeg.

[ Grunts ]

Is there Mrs. Queequeg?

[ Grunting ]

I'm free!

All right, brain!

Get ready for some electroshock treatment!

[ Yelling ]

[ Groans ]

[ Grunts ]

[ Gagging ]

[ Crying ]

Fry, don't die! Wake up!

[ Loud Gagging, Groans ]

No! [ Laughing ]

[ Laughing Continues ]

Leela cried for her lost love as Fry lay dead under the heavy bookcase.

The big brain laughed in triumph. Ha-ha-ha!

Then, for no reason, he left Earth forever.

The end. There!

Now he's trapped in a book I wrote--

a crummy world of plot holes and spelling errors.

The big brain am winning again!

I am the "greetest"! [ Laughing ]

Now I am leaving Earth for no raisin!

[ Cheering ]

The big brain is defeated.

Let what must be done be done.

[ Slobbering Sounds ]

[ Belching ]

Me... feel...

a bit better in cognitive faculties.

I did it! And it's all thanks to the books at my local library.

[ Nibbler Narrating ] And so life returned to normal,

or as normal as it gets on this primitive dirt ball...

inhabited by psychotic apes.

Thanks to the effect of the brain rays, [ Dialogue Indistinct ]

the people of Earth had no memory of what had transpired,

except Fry, and no one believed him or cared what he had to say.

[ Purring ] I, meanwhile, returned to my post,

ever vigilant, lest Earth again come under brain attack.

And when that day comes, God help us.

God help us all.

Time for a diapie change! [ Chirps ]

[ Nibbler Narrating ] End transmission.