Original subtitles

[ Man ] One, two! One, two, three!

People, we got a problem. Little Nibbler's been coughin' up hair balls.

Well, so has Fry. What's the big deal?

- [ Gags, Whimpers ] - ♪♪ [ Whistles ] He's got me beat.

Now, we all love Nibbler, so it's only fair...

that we all pitch in and clean it up together.

Still, I propose we make Zoidberg do it.

- All in favor? - [ All Shouting Agreement ]

All opposed?

All abstaining?

Dr. Zoidberg, are you okay?

- He's dead. - [ All Gasp ]

He always seemed so full of life--

laughing, singing, begging for scraps.

And now this. [ Sobbing ]

Why with all the crying?

So that's where I left my shell.

I didn't know you could take this thing off.

It was starting to get a little cramped in there, so I molted. Why not?

- Ah! The fresh air feels good. - Stop doing that!

So long. I'm off to toss this old shell in the Dumpster...

and maybe pick up those potato chips Amy didn't finish yesterday.

- Those were toenail clippings. - A feast is a feast.

[ Door Shuts ] [ Cell Phone Rings ]

Hey, that's my cell phone.

[ Ringing ]Hello?

[ Stammering, Gasping ]

Hello? Who is this?

[ Stammering, Gasping ]

Hello? Hello?[ Line Clicks, Dial Tone ]

[ Karate Grunt ]What's wrong?

Did you swallow your phone again?

Some guy's been calling and hanging up 10 times a day for a year.

Men who call too much are the worst, I bet.

I just wish a decent guy would call me...

instead of this "spleazeball" who has me too terrified to even answer the phone.

[ Rings ]Hello?

[ Stammering, Gasping ]

[ Stammering, Gasping ]Hello? Is anyone there?

I love you. Oh.

Why must I be such a coward?

[ Sobbing ]

Kif, I'm headed to the men's room, and I'll be needing an attendant, so--

Oh, I'm sorry. You're crying like a woman.

[ Whimpers ]It's all right.

I've always thought of myself as a father figure...

to some of my more pathetic men.

Kif, old friend, let's rap.[ Sighs ]

Well, I'm in love with this girl.

[ Laughing ]

Uh! Oh! Eh!

That's rich. Go on.

I met her a year ago when we were escaping from that cruise ship...

you piloted directly into a black hole.

[ People Screaming ] [ Branigan ] Yes. It was in all the papers.

Call me.[ Stammering, Gasping ]

Uh-huh, eh-heh, mm-hmm, uh-huh.

I've finished talking, sir.Belay that remark!

Your Amy knows my Leela?

I have formed an idea.

I'm calling to negotiate a double date.

You and me, Kif and Amy.Forget it.

Then let the negotiations begin.

- I propose we go out on 10 dates. - How about zero?

- Nine. - Zero.

- Seven. - Zero.

- Eight? - Please, Leela?

Kif's like the sweetest guy who's ever liked me.

Five. And that's my final offer. Four.

[ Sighs ] One.

- Two. - One-half.

I'll take it. We'll meet you tonight for part of dinner...

and the first half of a movie.

♪♪ [ Big Band ]

Um, sir, I don't go out on many dates, and, um--

What if I can't think of anything to say?

Here's my personal book of pickup lines.

Say as many of them as you can as fast as you can.

Don't stop for any reason.

M-Maybe I'll just give her these flowers.

Wrong, wrong, wrong.

And what's that? Candy?

Candy's for dorks. Give me that.

Mm, mm, mmm!

[ Beeping ]

[ Beeping ][ People Chattering ]

Hello, beautiful. I got these for you.Thanks.

Well, well, well.

- This looks to be one disturbingly erotic date. - Half date.

Waiter. Bring us a bottle of wine.Half bottle.

And some oysters on the half shell.Quarter shell.

Oh, and I'd like--Kif's not hungry.

Kif, this place is expensive. I'd like two steaks,

and the ladies will have some very sensual salads...

with low-cal sensual dressing.

[ Stammering ]

♪♪ [ Funk ]

♪ Oh, won't you take me to Funkytown ♪

♪ Won't you take me to Funkytown ♪♪

[ Cheering, Applause ]Thank you.

Kif, you're so quiet. You haven't said a word all night.

Well, um-- Heh. The, um--

H-Hello. [ Gasps, Sighs ]

'Cause I was really hoping we could talk and stuff.

[ Stammering, Gasping ]

Oh. [ Gasps ]

Amy, "if I said you had a beautiful body,

would you take your pants off and dance around a little?"

What?Lieutenant Kroker!

Ooh! [ Stammering ]

"I-I-- I find the most erotic part of a woman is the boobies."

- Kif! - Oh, my!

This half date is entirely over.

Amy, conference.

Oh! Is-Is there nothing we can do, sir?

There's only one surefire way back into a woman's heart and parts beyond.

I speak, of course, of karaoke.

My years in the DOOP Boys' Chorus will not have been in vain.

[ Pulsing Tone ]

All right. Enough lipstick. Let's storm out.

♪ Once upon a time I was falling in love ♪

♪ But now I'm only falling apart ♪

Oh, that's so emotional.

♪ There's nothing I can do A total eclipse of the heart ♪♪

Amateur hour's over.

Let me show you why they call me the Velour Fog. Hit it.

♪♪ [ Acoustic Guitar ]

[ Reciting ] ♪ I met her in a club down in old Soho ♪

♪ Where you drink champagne and it tastes just like Coca-Cola ♪

♪ C-O-L-A Cola ♪

[ All Grumbling ]He sickens me.

♪ She walked up to me and she asked me to dance ♪

♪ I asked her her name and in a dark brown voice she said ♪

[ Singing ] ♪ Leela ♪

♪ L-E-E-L-A Leela ♪

♪ Lee-Lee-Lee Lee-Leela ♪

♪ Bah-bah-bah bah-bah-bah ♪

♪ Deh-deh deh-deh deh-deh-deh-deh-deh ♪

[ Chairs Scraping Floor ][ All Yelling ]

[ Yelling Continues ] [ Man ] I gotta get outta here!

♪ Leela ♪

♪ Da-da-da bah-bah bah ♪♪

We're going home. Call us a space taxi.

No need. There's not a restaurant built I can't fly.

Where to, ladies?

Please, sir, let's just divide up the check and--

[ Beeping ]Let's see what this eatery can do.

Ah! She's built like a steak house, but she handles like a bistro.

[ Loud Thudding ][ Gasping ]

[ Alarm Blaring ]She's out of control! You win again, gravity.

[ All Screaming ]

Look what arrived-- my new shell catalog.

So let's try some on already.

Ah! Muy macho. Hey, gringos!

Here comes "El Zoido" to ruin your drinking water.

[ Imitating Gunshots ]Whoa, whoa, whoa!

I'm Mexican, and I find that offensive.

- [ Loud Clatter ] - You Latins are so hot-blooded.

This one's like a summer guy.Look, you fat fish.

The Planet Express health plan only covers one kind of replacement shell.

Aw.

I can't believe Leela and Amy aren't back yet from their half date.

I'm gonna call the restaurant.

[ Line Rings, Beep Tone ]

[ Recorded Voice ] The number you have dialed has crashed into a planet.

Please make a note of it.[ Both Gasp ]

We gotta go rescue them!Eh, I don't know.

Bender, think of the senoritas. ♪♪ [ Spanish Guitar Chord ]

i¡Vámonos!

[ Insects Buzzing, Chirping ]

[ Electricity Crackles ]

So, Amy, um-- Well, uh--

[ Sighs ] It's always a line with you.

What planet is this anyway?[ Mumbling ] I don't know.

This whole sector is uncharted.

It is not uncharted. You lost the chart.

Well, nothing to do now but repopulate the human race.

Just me and you.

[ Whispering ] And maybe you. [ Loud Pounding ]

- [ Pounding Continues ] - What is it?

- [ Stomach Sloshing ] - [ All Whimpering ]

[ Loud Growling ]

Me hear people, but me not see people.

No big deal. Everybody make mistake.

Well, hello. I usually don't say this,

but you are the most beautiful trio of gigantic ladies...

I've ever laid eyes on.

[ Growling ]

I find the most erotic part of a woman is the boob-- [ Screams ]

[ Screaming ]

[ Alarm Blaring ][ Panicked Babbling ]

Oh, no. Any sign of Leela or Amy?

No, but what do you make of this?

I don't know, but it might have something to do with this.

[ Gasps ] Oh, your god!

[ Crowd Murmuring ] [ Woman ] Uh! Move. Go.

All right. Here's the plan.

[ Grunting ]

What kind of moronic plan is that?

Wow.

Ooh! Ow, ow, ow!Ow! I hate that!

Oh, boy! Uh![ Groaning ]

Women go free. Men stay in chains.

We take them to our leader. She know what do.

[ Scoffs ] A female leader?

Fry, shut up.Yes, Captain.

This capital city Planet Amazonia.

Where are all the men in your society?Men die out many year ago.

With all these women around, they were probably nagged to death.

Are you with me, fellas?[ Laughing ]

[ Stop Laughing, Gasp ]

Here stadium where our women basketball teams play.

We no can dunk, but good fundamentals.That more fun to watch.

[ Laughing ]

Oh, God. You're killin' me. Oh, God! You're killing me!

This our comedy club.

Humor here funny in different way.

It not reinforce stereotypes.

Comedy come from character, real situations,

not abstract craziness.

Translation-- boring.

[ Laughing ]

That's a good one. Ow!

[ Sighs ] This "women only" planet is sounding better and better.

I'm already looking for apartments.

Here live vengeful, all-knowing leader.

She decide men's fates.Is she hot?

That not important. She all-knowing.

In other words, no. Ohh!

- All hail Femputer! - All hail Femputer!

You all obey a big computer?Yes.

It appear mysteriously just about time men die out.

So, why did you make it your leader?

It seem like different kind of politician.

Not Beltway insider.

Femputer, we bring offering...

of bath beads and scented soaps.

Your gift pleases Femputer.

Femputer demands to know why there are men on her planet!

- It was an accident, ma'am. - That does not fempute!

Femputer will return after deciding...

your punishment!

Uh, Leela? I'm through making fun of women.

- Now I want them to help me. - Should we do something?

- [ Choking ] - There's no hurry.

[ Groaning ] Yes. A little tighter.

Tighter. Perhaps a hard spanking is in order.

[ Groans ] Too hard!

Men strange. You have them on your planet?

- I'm afraid so. - What they for?

[ Whispering, Indistinct ]

Oh! You mean "snu-snu."

[ All, Gasping ] Snu-snu. Snu-snu.

We hear tell men used for snu-snu.

But all we have go on are ancient legend...

and subscription to Cosmo.

Just F.Y.I., I could be used for snu-snu.

Silence! You want die like last men visit Amazonia?

What'd they die of?Crushed pelvises.

Yes!Oh, thank you, Lord in Heaven.

After lengthy femputations,

I, Femputer, have decided the fate of the men.

- Femputer sentences them to death... - [ All Gasp ]

- by snu-snu! - Yeah! Whoo-ooh!

[ Whimpers ]What are you, gay?

[ Femputer ] Death to the men!

Death by snu-snu!

[ All Screaming, Whimpering ]

Although the snu-snu part's gonna be pretty good.

Baby, it'll blow your mind.

Femputer, be reasonable.

Sure, men are annoying and they wreck up whatever planet they're in charge of,

but most of these men are sort of my friends.

- They don't deserve to die. - Hmm.

Perhaps men are not as evil as Femputer thinks.

But they make fun women's basketball.

What? Did you explain how the women's good fundamentals...

make up for their inability to dunk?

- Yes. They still laugh. - The men must die!

Too true, Femputer. You're so wise.

Kill 'em all, I say. Good riddance.

Did I mention I'm not a man? I'm a manbot.

That's an understandable mistake. You can let me down now, thanks.

He big jerk like man.I sure am, but check the crotch.

[ Hollow Banging ]Nothin'.

Very well. Release him. As for the others, take them to the snu-snu chambers!

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Crying ] I'll miss ya, meat bag.Me too, meat bag.

Good-bye, friends. I never thought I would die like this,

but I'd always really hoped.

The Amazonians will be divided into three groups.

The one called Zapp will be snu-snu'd by the large women.

He that is designated Fry...

will be snu-snu'd by the petite women.

And Kif, as the most attractive male,

will be snu-snu'd by the most beautiful women of Amazonia,

then the large women,

then the petite women,

then the large women again.

- [ Whimpers ] - Initiate snu-snu!

[ All Chanting ] Snu-snu! Snu-snu! Snu-snu!

[ Amazonians ] Snu-snu! Snu-snu!Amy! Before I die,

I have to tell you I didn't mean to say those awful things on our date.

They were all Zapp's idea.Really? Honest and true?

Yes. And-And that person calling and hanging up was me.

I was just too nervous to say hello because...

- I love you. - Oh, Kif!

It Og's first time.

Be gentle![ Grunts ]

[ Fry Whimpers ][ Zapp ] Yahoo!

We've got to do something. Bender, maybe you can interface with the Femputer...

and reprogram it to let them go.

Maybe you can interface with my ass... by biting it!

[ Speaking Asian Language ][ Groans ]

All right, I'll go. [ Speaking Asian Language ]

[ Fry, Branigan Groaning, Moaning ]

[ Fry ] Ooh! Yeah! [ Branigan ] Oh, baby!

[ Screaming, Groaning ]

[ Panting ] Oh, no.

How Tonk look?Tonk look good.

Me fat.No. You look good. Tonk fat.

Intruder! Stay away from the mighty Femputer. Guards!

Time to override the C.P.U. and reprogram this femputer.

[ Grunting ]Hey! Whoa! Whoa!

Stop it! Stop it! Hey, cut that out!

Cease hitting Femputer.

- Oh! - You're no femputer. You're a fembot!

It's true. I disguised myself as a femputer...

so I could rule the Amazonians.

- But why? - Why? Why?

I came here from a faraway planet,

a planet ruled by a chauvinistic manputer...

that was really a manbot.

Have you any idea how it feels to be a fembot...

living in a manbot's manputer's world?

- What? - And now, my meddling manbot,

there's the question of what to do with you.

Oh, no! [ Screams ]

[ All Chattering ]

[ Panting ][ Panting ] We need rest.

The spirit is willing, but the flesh is spongy and bruised.

It time snu-snu!Can't we just cuddle?

No![ Groans ]

We can't wait for Bender. It's time for a woman's touch.

Heeyah! Hoh! Ahh!

Heeyooh! Yah! Yah! Yah!

Ow! [ Grunts ]

Me next snu-snu! Out me way!

Where go beautiful man?

[ Whimpering ]Me want snu-snu!

[ Gasps ] Kif! Jump![ Groans ]

My hero.

Me not get snu-snu! Get him!

[ Panting ]

[ Shouting, Indistinct ][ Panting ]

- [ Growling ] - [ Both Whimper ]

[ Panting, Gasps ]

[ All Muttering ]

Mighty Femputer, small girl steal green kissy man.

We kill her now?

Come back later. Leave me alone.

[ Bender ] Yeah. Get lost!

[ Bender Chuckling ][ Giggling ]

Ooh! Ooh![ Kiss ]

Woooo! I'm a scary femputer!

Release the prisoners!

[ Bender ] And bring gold! Lots of gold!

Gold? Why Femputer want gold?

You heard the man! [ Cooing ] Yeah. Ooh.

[ Fembot, Bender Moaning ] [ Bender ] Yeah, baby. Gimme some of dat.

And that's how I got my new shell.

It looks just like the shell I threw out yesterday,

and I found it in the same Dumpster.

But this one had a live raccoon inside.

[ Slurps ] Pretty good story, hey, Hermes?

Stick to someone else, ya windy barnacle!

It's funny how the battle of the sexes was only resolved...

when a manbot and a fembot realized they loved each other.

Yeah. By the way, if she calls, I'm not here.

All I know is this gold says that was the best mission ever.

[ Yawns ][ Giggles ] It sure was.

Oh, yeah.I had snu-snu.

So, um, Amy, wh-what do you wanna do now?

[ Whispering, Indistinct ][ Stammering, Gasping ]

[ Continues Stammering, Gasping ]