Original subtitles

I REALIZE THAT I HAVEN'T BEEN LISTENING TO YOU.

WELL... LET ME FINISH.

I KEPT THINKING THAT IF I LEFT YOU ALONE,

IT'D BE LIKE GIVING UP ON US.

THE ONLY CHANCE WE HAVE

IS IF I DO, IN FACT, LEAVE YOU ALONE

DON'T CHANGE YOUR WHOLE LIFE BECAUSE OF A 3-DAY RELATIONSHIP.

WHAT IF IT DOESN'T WORK?

THAT'S THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN ME AND YOU...

I'M WILLING TO BET ON A HUNCH.

WELL, I CAN'T TOO THAT.

W-WHAT'S GOING ON OUT THERE?

ASHLEY'S MOVING DAY,

ALSO KNOWN AS THE GREATEST DAY OF MY LIFE.

NOT SO ROUGH!

THAT'S AN ARMOIRE,

OR DIDN'T THEY HAVE NICE FURNITURE IN PRISON?

I KNOW. I KNOW WHAT YOU'RE THINKING.

BUT EVEN IF YOU COULD GET HER INTO THE ARMOIRE,

YOU'D NEVER GET AWAY WITH IT.

HEY, YOU REMEMBER THAT CHAMPAGNE

THAT ASHLEY GOT US WHEN SHE MOVED IN?

YEAH, WE CAN FINALLY OPEN IT.

YEAH, YOU KNOW WHAT? GOOD RIDDANCE.

IF SHE'S GONNA RUN AWAY FROM HER FEELINGS FOR ME,

THEN SO BE IT.

Ashley: YOU'RE A MOVER.

WHY DON'T YOU START WITH YOUR ASS?

I THINK I'M GONNA MAKE THE MOVER SOME MIMOSAS.

THE RECALL OF SOME NOVELTY CONDOMS.

THE MANUFACTURERS OF THE GLOW-IN-THE-DARK CONDOM

"THE LIGHT SABER" HAVE ISSUED AN ALERT.

THE LIGHT SABER HAS BEEN PROVEN TO BE ONLY 50% EFFECTIVE.

APPARENTLY, THE DYES THAT THEY USED

TO MAKE THE CONDOM GLOW ALSO MAKE THEM POROUS.

LIGHT SABER?

HEY, IRENE, I HAVE A SURPRISE FOR YOU.

TURN OFF THE LIGHT.

OKAY.

OH, HELP ME, OBI-WAN KENOBI!

YOU'RE MY ONLY HOPE!

I HOPE IRENE IS ON THE GLOW-IN-THE-DARK PILL.

HEY, I KNOW YOU GUYS HAVE BEEN WORKING REALLY HARD,

SO I BROUGHT YOU SOME LEMONADE AND YOU SOME DEODORANT.

HEY, ASH?

ANYTHING I CAN DO TO HELP YOU MOVE?

OH, JOHNNY, THAT IS SO SWEET.

YEAH, THE SOONER YOU'RE OUT, THE SOONER WE'RE IN.

OF COURSE, WE'RE GONNA HAVE TO PAINT.

BOY, HOW SOME PEOPLE LIVE.

WHY ARE YOU GUYS MOVING BACK IN HERE ANYWAY?

ISN'T IT ABOUT TIME YOU LOADED UP THE TRUCK

AND MOVED TO BEVERLY?

TELL HER, HONEY.

T-THERE'S NOTHING TO TELL. JUST A COUPLE DAYS LATE.

WHAT?!

I KNOCKED HER UP.

ANYWAY, NOTHING HAS BEEN CONFIRMED YET.

ARE YOU SURE THAT YOU'RE LATE?

BECAUSE YOU AND I ARE...

YOU KNOW... SYNCHRONIZED SWIMMERS.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO USE EUPHEMISMS IN FRONT OF HIM.

HE'S COMFORTABLE WITH TALKING ABOUT "THE VISIT."

WOW, YOU'RE PREGNANT, TOO.

NO, I AM DEFINITELY NOT PREGNANT

BECAUSE I'M ABOUT TO START A RESIDENCY

3,000 MILES AWAY AT STANFORD,

AND IF I WERE PREGNANT, THAT WOULD COMPLICATE THINGS.

THEREFORE, I'M NOT.

THAT'LL BE A GOOD STORY TO TELL YOUR ILLEGITIMATE BABY.

BESIDES, I'M ON THE PILL,

EVEN THOUGH I'M NOT ENTIRELY COMMITTED TO IT.

W-WELL, HAVE YOU TALKED TO PETE ABOUT THIS?

NO, I'M NOT GOING TO TALK TO PETE

BECAUSE I'M NOT PREGNANT.

IF YOU WERE, IT'D BE GREAT.

YOUR KID COULD LOOK DOWN ON OUR KID,

AND OUR KID COULD WALK YOUR KID TO THERAPY.

ASH, I DON'T KNOW IF I'M READY FOR BEING PREGNANT.

YOU KNOW, I JUST STARTED A JOB THAT I ABSOLUTELY LOVE.

ON THE OTHER HAND, I WOULDN'T HAVE TO WORK.

WELL, ALL THIS TALK IS KIND OF POINTLESS

UNTIL YOU KNOW FOR SURE.

YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT. THANK YOU.

UHH! OOH!

WHAT IS IT?

THE BABY... I THINK I JUST FELT IT KICK.

PETE, I NEED A FAVOR.

COULD YOU ASK IRENE FOR A CUP OF URINE?

WHY?

ARE WE OUT?

WHAT'S GOING ON?

I NEED A SAMPLE TO FIND OUT IF SHE'S PREGNANT.

WHAT?!

OH, MY GOD, BERG, THIS IS BAD. THIS IS REALLY BAD.

IT DOESN'T GET WORSE THAN THIS.

HO-HO-HO! I DON'T KNOW.

I'M NOT THE ONE GOING TO GET THE PEE-PEE.

HURRY UP.

OKAY, UM, "A"... EEW, NO WAY!

"B"... USE YOUR OWN CUP!

FINE, THEN YOU FORCED ME TO GO TO PLAN "B."

AVOID THE BATHROOM!

I'M RIGGING THE TOILET.

YOU CAN DO IT, SHARON.

HAVING A CAREER AND BEING A MOTHER

ARE NOT MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE.

YOU JUST WON'T EXCEL AT EITHER.

YEAH, WELL, I HEARD PREGNANCY

MAKES YOUR FEET GROW HALF A SIZE.

LOOK AT THESE BOATS!

GOD... MY BODY WILL NEVER BE THE SAME.

AND THEIR BODIES WILL NEVER BE THE SAME.

BUT THEIR BOOBS GET BIGGER.

YEAH, BUT YOU HAVE TO GET IN LINE BEHIND THE BABY.

ALL RIGHT, THAT'S WORK. I GOTTA GO.

BEFORE YOU DRIVE YOURSELF NUTS, GO OVER THERE,

TELL HER THE TRUTH, AND FIND OUT.

SHE'LL THINK IT'S SOME DESPERATE STUNT TO GET HER BACK!

I'M NOT GOTTA START SOME BIG DRAMA WITH IRENE

UNTIL I'M IS SURE THERE SOME BIG DRAMA WITH IRENE.

WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO IF SHE IS PREGNANT?

PETE, I LOVE HER, OKAY?

AND IF SHE IS AND SHE WANTS ME,

I'M GONNA DO THE RIGHT THING.

OF COURSE, IF SHE ISN'T,

I'LL HIGH-FIVE EVERYONE IN BOSTON!

LISTEN, EITHER WAY IT TURNS OUT,

GOOD LUCK, OKAY?

THANKS, MAN.

YOU GOT IT.

MAN, AM I GLAD I'M NOT YOU!

THIS IS SO WEIRD.

I MEAN, WHAT ARE THE CHANCES OF BOTH OF US BEING PREGNANT?

WELL, NOT VERY LIKELY.

THAT'S ANOTHER REASON I'M SURE IT'S ONLY YOU.

WILL YOU TAKE A TEST WITH ME?

OKAY, FINE, BUT I GOTTA STOP AND GET A BIGGER BRA.

I DO NOT KNOW WHAT'S GOING ON WITH THESE BABIES.

COME ON, IRENE!

OPEN UP! I KNOW YOU'RE IN THERE!

FINE, HAVE IT YOUR WAY!

AND... LEFT HAND!

HEY, ROGER.

WOW. SOME WHERE THERE'S A NAKED G.I. JOE DOLL.

I'LL HAVE YOU KNOW I'M IN THE ARMY RESERVES.

WHAT DO THEY USE YOU FOR...

TO DELIVER MAGAZINES TO THE FRONT?

BERG, YOU PROMISED ME YOU WOULD LEAVE ME ALONE.

IRENE, JUST LET ME BREAK HIS NECK.

IT'LL TAKE TWO SECONDS.

THAT'S OKAY. I CAN HANDLE THIS.

NOW, YOU JUST GO PLAY WAR.

HEY, BERG... SLEEP TIGHT,

BUT SLEEP WITH ONE EYE OPEN.

CCKK!

I SLEEP IN PETE'S ROOM!

WHAT DO YOU WANT?

DID YOU CATCH THE NEWS TODAY?

WELL, I CAUGHT THE EX-BOYFRIEND REPORT...

PARTLY IRRITATING TODAY

WITH A GOOD CHANCE OF ANNOYING FOR THE REST OF THE WEEK.

JUST WAIT A SECOND. YOU DON'T HAVE CABLE, RIGHT?

I DID UNTIL I FOUND OUT I WAS GETTING IT FREE.

THEN I HAD IT DISCONNECTED.

WELL, I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT LIKE TO KNOW

THAT THE HISTORY CHANNEL IS AIRING A SPECIAL

ON THE SINKING OF THE TITANIC.

I LOVE THE TITANIC.

YOU KNOW, I DIED ON THAT SHIP IN A PAST LIFE.

I WAS A BARONESS FROM AUSTRIA

WHO WAS WRESTLED FROM MY RIGHTFUL SEAT ON THE LIFEBOAT

BY A HABERDASHER NAMED PETERSON.

I REMEMBER YOU SAYING THAT ONCE,

AND SOMEHOW, IT JUST STUCK WITH ME.

ANYWAY, I THOUGHT YOU MIGHT LIKE TO WATCH IT AT MY PLACE.

HEY, MAYBE YOU'LL SEE SOME OF YOUR OLD FRIENDS.

THIS IS JUST A PLOY TO GET ME TO SPEND TIME WITH YOU.

NO, I WON'T EVEN BE THERE. I WON'T EVEN BE THERE.

SIT DOWN, ENJOY THE SHOW, HAVE A SNACK,

RELIEVE YOURSELF, AND YOU'RE OUT.

WE GOT HER UNDER CONTROL, FELLAS!

IS EVERYBODY OUT?

TWO UNACCOUNTED FOR, SIR.

OKAY, WE'VE GOT MEN INSIDE THIS BUILDING.

I'LL GO.

IT'S TOO DANGEROUS.

YOU'RE DUE TO RETIRE NEXT WEEK.

I KNOW. I HATE MY WIFE.

THAT BUILDING'S NOT GONNA HOLD, AND I LOST DONNELLY.

JOHNNY'S INSIDE? I'M GOING BACK IN.

OKAY, DUNVILLE.

GODSPEED.

THANKS.

NOW THAT'S A HERO.

YOU DON'T SEE COURAGE LIKE THAT EVERY DAY.

I-I HAD... I HAD A PEBBLE IN MY BOOT.

JOHNNY!

JOHNNY!

JOHNNY!

OH, HEY, A QUARTER.

OW! OW! OW!

IT'S HOT! OW!

OW!

JOHNNY!

PETE? I'M IN HERE!

JOHNNY, ARE YOU HURT?

A LITTLE.

I THOUGHT YOU GUYS LEFT WITHOUT ME.

WE CAN'T.

YOU HAVE THE KEYS TO THE TRUCK.

LISTEN, I'M GONNA GET YOU OUT OF HERE, ALL RIGHT?

YOU'RE NOT GONNA DIE!

YEAH? GOOD.

CAN'T DIE ON THE DAY I FOUND OUT SHARON'S PREGNANT.

WHAT?! OH, GOD!

I'M SORRY. CONGRATULATIONS.

WELL, IT'S NOT FOR SURE YET, BUT I GOT A POWERFUL SEED.

SEEMS TO BE A LOT OF THAT GOING AROUND IN THE BUILDING.

SO, ASHLEY TOLD YOU SHE FORGOT TO TAKE HER PILL?

OW!!

WHAT?!

SHE'S NOT PREGNANT. HOW DO YOU KNOW?

'CAUSE SHE SAID SHE DOESN'T WANT TO BE.

OOH! A NICKEL!

JOHNNY, I WOULDN'T... AAAH!

OH, MAN, IT BURNS!

YEAH... I'LL USE THIS.

PETE HASN'T MADE JELL-O IN AGES.

COMING!

OOH! AHH!

HEY, HAS THE TITANIC THING STARTED?

NO, BUT THERE'S TWO PITCHERS OF ICED TEA IN THE FRIDGE,

AND THE BATHROOM'S RIGHT OVER THERE.

I KNOW WHERE YOUR BATHROOM IS.

AND IF YOU DON'T WANT THE TEA, THERE'S COFFEE,

LEMONADE, JUICE, LOTS OF, UH, JUICE.

AND THE BATHROOM? RIGHT OVER THERE.

YOU ALREADY SAID THAT.

AND I SET OUT A BOWL OF WARM WATER

IN CASE YOU WANT TO SOAK YOUR CUTICLES.

IT'S ABOUT TO START. YOU SAID YOU'D LEAVE.

RIGHT. BEFORE I DO,

LET ME TURN ON MY SERENITY FOUNTAIN.

ISN'T THAT NICE?

I CAN'T BELIEVE THEY PUT THE PREGNANCY-TEST KITS

RIGHT NEXT TO THE TAMPONS.

IT'S LIKE THEIR CRUEL LITTLE JOKE.

SO... WHICH WAY ARE YOU LEANING?

YOU WANT THE ONE WITH THE BABY ON THE BOX

OR THE DANCING LADY WITH A LIFE?

I DON'T KNOW. SOMETHING IN BETWEEN.

GIMME THE SUNSET.

OH, GOSH, THE SUNSET'S $50.

OH, WELL, HERE'S ONE THAT'S $5,

AND IT'S... 30% ACCURATE.

YEAH, YOU KNOW, GIMME THE $50 ONE.

THAT OUGHT TO WIPE THE GRIN OFF JOHNNY'S FACE.

HEY, UM, ASH?

ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANT TO TAKE A TEST?

I'M TELLING YOU, I'M NOT PREGNANT.

I'M JUST STARVING.

THAT'S THE THIRD CANDY BAR YOU'VE HAD.

WELL, IT HELPS GET THE TASTE OF PICKLES OUT OF MY MOUTH.

OH, HI! OH, WHAT A CUTE LITTLE GIRL!

WHAT'S YOUR NAME?

OH... ISABELLA.

OH, LOOK HOW SHE CLINGS TO HER MOMMY.

SHE DOES THAT ALL DAY.

ALL DAY... MY GOD. HOW DO YOU PRY HER OFF?

WELL, I THINK SHE'S BEAUTIFUL.

THANK YOU. ONCE YOU HAVE KIDS,

YOU CAN'T IMAGINE YOUR LIFE WITHOUT THEM.

I'M HAVING A BABY!

CONGRATULATIONS!

I HOPE SHE LOOKS JUST LIKE ISABELLA!

WHAT IF IT'S A BOY?

IT'S A GIRL.

HELLO?

WHAT?

WE'LL BE RIGHT THERE. THAT WAS THE PARAMEDICS.

PETE AND JOHNNY GOT CAUGHT IN A FIRE.

THEY'RE AT THE HOSPITAL. LET'S GO.

OKAY, YOU GO GET THE CAR,

AND I'M GONNA GET SOME PRETZELS.

HEY, HEY, HEY, HO! WHERE YOU GOING?!

I DRANK TWO QUARTS OF TEA.

I REALLY NEED TO USE MY BATHROOM.

USE THE BATHROOM IN MY APARTMENT!

SOME NUMBNUT PUT A BOWL IN THE TOILET.

OH, MY GOD, WHAT DID I PUT IN THE DISHWASHER?

BERG, WHAT IS GOING ON HERE?

OKAY, OKAY, ALL RIGHT, LOOK,

DO YOU REMEMBER WHEN WE USED THOSE GLOW-IN-THE-DARK CONDOMS?

YEAH?

IT TURNS OUT A MAGIC SHOP

ISN'T THE BEST PLACE TO BUY CONTRACEPTION.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

WELL, THEY'RE SORT OF DEFECTIVE.

WHAT?! HOW DEFECTIVE?!

THEY SHOULD HAVE CALLED THEM "WHIFFLE CONDOM."

WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG TO TELL ME?!

WELL, I HOPING I WOULDN'T HAVE TO.

I DIDN'T WANT TO UPSET YOU. I KNOW HOW MUCH YOU WORRY.

SO THAT'S WHY YOU WERE TRYING TO TAKE MY TINKLE?

YEAH.

THAT'S THE SWEETEST THING ANYONE'S EVER DONE FOR ME.

LISTEN, IRENE, IF YOU ARE PREGNANT,

I WANT YOU TO KNOW SOMETHING.

I WANT TO MARRY YOU.

BERG... YOU ARE THE MANI THOUGHT YOU WERE,

AND MAYBE I COULD LEARN TO START TRUSTING YOU AGAIN.

AND THIS WOULD BE SUCH A SPECIAL MOMENT

IF I DIDN'T HAVE TO GO TO THE BATHROOM SO BAD!

IRENE! WAIT!

WHAT?

SAVE ME A LITTLE.

OH, PETE! I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE NOT HURT!

NOT HURT?!

I'VE GOT "IN GOD WE TRUST" BURNED INTO MY HAND!

I WAS SO WORRIED ABOUT YOU.

I WAS FINE.

DON'T EVER DO THAT AGAIN!

I WILL NOT RAISE A CHILD ON MY OWN!

SHAR, ARE YOU?

NO, NO, NO, I HAVEN'T TAKEN THE TEST,

BUT I'M STARTING TO HOPE THAT I AM.

ASHLEY?

IS THERE SOMETHING THAT YOU NEED TO TELL ME?

OH... YEAH.

SHARON MIGHT BE PREGNANT.

NO, NO... SOMETHING ABOUT YOU?

AM I GONNA BE THE FATHER OF SATAN'S SPAWN?

WELL, I DON'T KNOW.

I DIDN'T TAKE THE TEST YET, EITHER.

ALL RIGHT, WELL, LOOK,

I JUST WANT TO LET YOU KNOW THAT IF YOU ARE,

THEN I'M GONNA DO THE RIGHT THING.

YOU'LL MARRY ME?

NO! I'LL GET AN ATTORNEY AND FIGHT FOR CUSTODY.

I JUST WANT TO BE THERE FOR YOU AND THE BABY.

PETE, WE'VE BEEN OVER THIS. I AM GOING TO CALIFORNIA.

BEING PREGNANT DOESN'T CHANGE ANYTHING.

YEAH, I WANNA HEAR YOU SAY THAT WHEN THE BABY'S CROWNING.

THERE IS NO POINT IN ARGUING ABOUT THIS RIGHT NOW.

YOU GO IN THERE AND TAKE YOUR TEST.

I'LL GO TO THE CHAPEL AND PRAY I'M STERILE.

HI. HEY.

I WANT YOU TO KNOW I BROKE UP WITH ROGER.

REALLY? YEAH.

I COULDN'T DATE HIM

KNOWING MY HEART TRULY BELONGED TO SOMEONE ELSE.

OH... I ALSO TOOK A PREGNANCY TEST.

I MIGHT HAVE LED WITH THAT ONE.

BERG, I KNOW I'VE PUT YOU THROUGH A LOT,

BUT IN DOING SO,

I'VE SEEN WHAT AN EXCELLENT PARTNER YOU'D MAKE,

AND I CONSIDER MYSELF A VERY LUCKY...

YEAH! LUCKY!

GET TO THE POINT.

THAT BEING SAID... NO, I'M NOT WITH CHILD.

OH, GOD. OH, MY GOD.

THANK GOD!

THANK GOD!!

YOU'RE HAPPY TOO, RIGHT?

OH, MY GOD, YES! THANK YOU!

NOW, HOW DO YOU CELEBRATE NOT BEING PREGNANT?

NO! NO!

WHAT? COME ON!

I JUST GOT SOME "SILENCE OF THE LAMBSKINS."

WELL?

OH. WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?

IT MEANS WE'LL JUST HAVE TO TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN

AND AGAIN AND AGAIN.

ASHLEY?

YES.

YES, YOUR NAME IS ASHLEY?

YES.

OH, MY GOD. OH, MY GOD.

WELL, Y-YOU'RE GONNA STAY, RIGHT?

I THOUGHT ABOUT THIS. I CAN'T STAY.

YOU GET BACK IN THERE AND THINK SOME MORE!

PETE, MY PLANE LEAVES IN AN HOUR.

I WILL CALL YOU FROM CALIFORNIA.

I CAN'T LET HER LEAVE!

PETE, WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

I DON'T KNOW,

BUT I CAN'T LET THE DINGO TAKE MY BABY.

Pete: AND AS A SPECIAL TREAT,

HERE ARE THE ENDINGS YOU DIDN'T PICK.

WELL?

OH...

ASHLEY?

OH, THANK GOD!

THANK GOD YOU'RE BARREN.

I SAY WE GET DRUNK.

I GOT A PLANE TO CATCH.

ASHLEY, HOLD UP. HOLD ON. GOSH.

OH, WE'RE GONNA MISS YOU. AREN'T WE, JOHNNY?

HUH?

OH, YEAH. YES.

I ALSO TOOK A PREGNANCY TEST.

I MIGHT HAVE LED WITH THAT ONE.

BERG, I KNOW I'VE PUT YOU THROUGH A LOT,

BUT IN DOING SO,

I'VE SEEN WHAT AN EXCELLENT PARTNER YOU'D MAKE,

AND I CONSIDER MYSELF A VERY LUCKY...

YEAH! LUCKY!

GET TO THE POINT.

THAT BEING SAID... YES, I AM WITH CHILD.

WOW.

I KNOW.

OKAY, UM... COME HERE.

LISTEN, I WANT YOU TO KNOW

THAT I'M GONNA BE THERE FOR YOU.

OKAY? YOU DON'T HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT A THING.

I WILL BE A GREAT DADDY.

THAT'S ALL FINE AND DANDY,

BUT IT MIGHT BE ROGER'S!

ASHLEY?

OH, THANK GOD!

THANK GOD YOU'RE BARREN.

SHARON?

YES, DADDY?

DADDY... I'M A DADDY.

I'M GONNA HAVE A SON!

IT'S A GIRL.

CONGRATULATIONS, GUYS.