Original subtitles

IRENE...

I'M SURE WHATEVER THE MAILBOX SAID,

IT'S SORRY.

NO.

I'M JUST REARRANGING THE MAILBOXES.

I NO LONGER WISH MINE TO BE ADJACENT TO BERG'S,

THAT DIRTY-ROTTEN, CHEATING, WENCH-KISSING SCALLYWAG!

COME ON, IRENE.

I MEAN, I KNOW BERG'S A RAPSCALLION, BUT A SCALLYWAG?

I KNOW BERG KISSED ANOTHER GIRL

BUT CAN'T YOU JUST FORGIVE HIM?

NO, I NEVER WANT TO SEE HIM AGAIN.

THAT'S WHY WHEN HE COMES OUT TO GET HIS MAIL,

I WILL NOT BE STANDING HERE.

I WILL BE STANDING OVER HERE!

I SHOULD HAVE JUST SAID HELLO AND KEPT ON WALKING.

DARLING, IF I GAVE YOU 1,000 KISSES,

WOULD YOU GIVE ME 1,001?

ONLY IF YOU NEVER STOP CALLING ME "DARLING."

OH, DARLING.

HEY, WHATCHA WATCHING?

JUST ONE OF THE BEST MOVIES EVER.

WHO'S IN IT?

I DON'T KNOW WHO HE IS, BUT HER NAME IS "DARLING."

LOVE WAS SO SIMPLE THEN.

YEAH, AND JUST 'CAUSE YOU LIKED TO DANCE

DIDN'T MEAN YOU WERE A SISSY.

DID YOU KNOW IRENE SWITCHED MAILBOXES?

YEAH, I KNOW. NOW YOU'LL NEVER SEE HER.

SHE WON'T EVEN TALK TO ME,

AND I THINK ONE OF HER CATS GAVE ME THE FINGER.

IF YOU WANT IRENE BACK,

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO WIN HER OVER

TAKE HER SOMEPLACE NICE TONIGHT.

THE MED SCHOOL'S HOSTING A YACHT PARTY TONIGHT.

BERG, GO TALK TO HER.

DO YOU THINK THE GUY IN YOUR MOVIE

WOULD SIT AROUND BELLYACHING TO HIS FRIEND?

NO! HE'D GO TELL THE WOMAN HOW HE FELT.

YOU'RE RIGHT.

WHAT'S THE USE IN WATCHING THESE MOVIES

IF YOU DON'T LEARN ANYTHING?!

I'M GONNA GO SHOW IRENE THAT I CAN BE A MAN'S MAN!

BUT FIRST I NEED A BATH. I'M VERY TENSE.

WELL, LOOK HOW NICELY A ROSE GROWS

WHEN IT'S SURROUNDED BY FERTILIZER.

I WAS HOPING WE COULD TALK.

I HAVE NOTHING TO SAY.

I KNOW YOU WON'T FORGIVE ME, BUT YOU DID PROMI

THAT YOU'D GO WITH ME TO THAT RESIDENCY MIXER.

AND YOU PROMISED YOU'D BE FAITHFUL TO ME!

SO... WHOA! YEAH.

I KNOW THAT I CAN'T BE TRUSTED, BUT YOU MADE A PROMISE.

I CANNOT GO ON A DATE WITH YOU.

NO, IT'S NOT A DATE. IT'S NOT A DATE.

IT'S FOR MY CAREER, AND, IRENE, PLEAS

YOU SAID YOU'D GO.

WELL, OKAY, AS LONG AS IT'S NOT A DATE.

WELL, THANK YOU. THAT'S GREAT.

TO SHOW YOU HOW MUCH I APPRECIATE IT,

I'D LIKE TO BUY YOU A DRESS.

OH, SO NOW YOU THINK YOU CAN BUY ME BACK

BY FLASHING SOME MONEY IN MY FACE, MR. BIG-TIME DOCTOR!

NO, I... NO, IRENE, I JUST...

LOOK, I LOOK GOOD IN BLUE!

HEY, SHAR.

LISTEN, CAN I BORROW YOUR HUSBAND FOR THE NIGHT?

NO, BUT I COULD GIVE YOU SOMETHING

FROM THE GOODY DRAWER.

I'M TRYING TO GET THIS RESIDENCY AT STANFORD.

I NEED A MAN TO PROVE HOW WELL-ROUNDED I AM.

WHEN WERE YOU HOPING TO ENTER... FALL... 1952?

DR. RICHARDS, THE GUY WHO CHOOSES THE RESIDENTS,

HE LIKES PEOPLE WHO ARE IN COMMITTED RELATIONSHIPS.

THEY'RE MORE DEPENDABLE.

CAN I FOOL HIM AND HAVE YOUR HUSBAND?

SORRY, WE'RE CELEBRATING OUR ANNIVERSARY.

OH, HEY, WHY DON'T YOU ASK PETE?

WHAT IF HE ALREADY HAS PLANS?

THAT'S FUNNY.

YOU'RE RIGHT. I'LL ASK PETE.

HELLO THERE, MY CHARMING AND WONDERFUL FRIENDS.

WHY ARE YOU IN SUCH A GOOD MOOD?

BECAUSE TONIGHT, I HAVE A CHANCE

TO PROVE TO IRENE THAT SHE WAS WRONG ABOUT ME.

ALL I NEED IS A GREAT DRESS.

YOU KNOW, BERG, WITH YOUR SHAPE,

YOU REALLY SHOULD WEAR PANTS.

NO, IT'S FOR IRENE,

UNLESS I FIND SOMETHING REALLY SEXY.

WELL, HEY, HONEY.

HEY, BABY.

SORRY, BERG, I CAN'T HELP YOU.

SEE THESE ROSE PETALS? JUST FOLLOW THEM OUT THE DOOR.

FINE, I'LL GO DRESS SHOPPING BY MYSELF.

BUY YOURSELF SOMETHING PRETTY!

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!

CLOSE YOUR EYES! CLOSE YOUR EYES!

TIME TO UNWRAP YOUR GIFT!

I GOT SOME BAD NEWS.

WHAT IS IT?

PROMISE NOT TO HIT ME.

TELL ME.

I HAVE TO GO BACK TO THE FIRE STATION TONIGHT.

WHAT?!

I'M LOW MAN ON THE TOTEM POLE.

IT'S OUR ANNIVERSARY!

I TOLD THEM THAT, AND THEY LAUGHED AT ME,

AND NOW I GOTTA WORK CHRISTMAS, TOO.

HEY, PETE.

UM, WOULD YOU DO ME A FAVOR?

YEAH, SURE.

YOU BEND OVER, AND I'LL PULL OUT THE STICK

I HAVE TO SCHMOOZE A BUNCH OF DOCTORS ON A YACHT,

AND I NEED A DATE.

BERG'S GOING TO THAT.

HE TOLD ME HE DIDN'T WANT THE STANFORD RESIDENCY!

I THINK HE'S JUST GOING TO BE WITH IRENE.

HE KNOWS I'VE ALREADY SABOTAGED ALL MY COMPETITION,

SO HE KEPT IT FROM ME.

GOD, HE'S SO CONNIVING!

SO, WILL YOU COME?

WHAT'S IN IT FOR ME?

MAYBE THE CAPTAIN WILL LET YOU SIT ON HIS KNEE

AND STEER THE BOAT.

ALL RIGHT, I'M IN.

OH, HEY, SO, I HEAR YOU'RE UP FOR THE STANFORD RESIDENCY.

RIGHT NOW, I GOT WAY BIGGER PROBLEMS.

I NEED TO BUY IRENE A DRESS, AND I JUST FOUND OUT

DRESSES DON'T COME IN "SMALL," "MEDIUM," AND "LARGE."

THEY COME IN EVEN SIZES, UNLESS YOU'RE AT YOUNG MISS

THEN THEY'RE ODD SIZES.

I, UH, I USED TO WORK AT A BOUTIQUE.

SO, I GUESS IT'S REALLY IMPORTANT TO YOU

THAT IRENE LOOKS JUST RIGHT TONIGHT.

OH, IT IS. IT IS. I WANT THIS NIGHT TO BE PERFECT.

WELL, I STILL NEED A DRESS FOR MYSELF.

I COULD TAKE IRENE SHOPPING WITH ME.

YOU'D DO THAT? AND IF SO, WHY?

WELL...

SOMETHING TELLS ME THAT TONIGHT WON'T BE A SUCCESS

UNLESS IRENE LOOKS JUST RIGHT.

THANK YOU SO MUCH! YOU ARE A LIFESAVER.

HERE'S MY CREDIT CARD. SORRY ABOUT THE TAPE.

SOME CLERK ACCIDENTALLY CUT IN HALF.

THOMPSON!

SHH! IT'S ME!

THANK GOD.

FOR A SECOND, I THOUGHT THE RUMORS WERE TRUE.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I DIDN'T WANT US GOING TO BED MAD.

I DIDN'T GO TO BED MAD. CHUCK MADE BANANA SPLITS.

I WANTED US TO CELEBRATE OUR ANNIVERSARY.

OH, HOW SWEET. HAPPY ANNIVERSARY

OKAY, NOW SCRAM.

NO, NO, NO, WAIT. I BROUGHT FUN STUFF.

GET UNDER HERE.

SWEETIE, YOU CAN'T BE HERE. I'M TRYING TO WORK.

JOHNNY, YOU WERE ASLEEP.

I DON'T MAKE THE ORDERS. I JUST FOLLOW THE

DON'T YOU EVEN CARE THAT YOU'RE GONNA GET ME INTO TROUBLE?

YOU'RE OVERREACTING. NO ONE WILL EVEN KNOW I'M HERE.

IT'S OKAY.

IT'S JUST... ME AND THOMPSON.

OKAY, JUST SO WE'RE CLEAR,

AS FAR AS EVERYONE HERE IS CONCERNED

YOU AND I...

♪ ARE SITTIN' IN A TREE, K-I-S-S-I-N-G ♪

WHO HERE NEEDS TO THINK THAT I'M YOUR BOYFRIEND?

THE HEAD OF NEUROSURGERY AT STANFORD.

HE PREFERS CANDIDATES WHO ARE IN RELATIONSHIPS.

IT MAKES THEM SEEM DEDICATED.

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT, I GOT IT.

WHAT THE HELL DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?

WHAT? ALL COMMITTED COUPLES DO THIS.

MY PARENTS DO IT ALL THE TIME.

OH, HERE WE GO.

ANOTHER STORY OF GRAB-ASSING AT THE DUNVILLES'.

I COULDN'T HAVE ASKED FOR A BETTER NIGHT.

PETE, COULD YOU GIVE ME A HAND?

SO, WHAT DO YOU THINK?

TONIGHT IS GONNA BE PERFECT. THANK YOU SO MUCH.

I WOULDN'T THANK ME JUST YET.

WHOA, IRENE, THAT IS SUCH A HOT TATTOO!

YOU SHOULD HAVE WALKED IN HERE BACKWARDS!

THANK YOU, PETER.

IT'S JUST A LITTLE SOMETHING I HAD DONE ON A TRIP TO INDIA.

IRENE, YOU PROMISED THAT I WAS THE ONLY ONE

WHO COULD VIEW THE TIGER OF TEMPTATION.

JUST BE GLAD I DIDN'T GET THE DRESS

THAT SHOWS OFF THE COBRA.

OFF TO MINGLE. YAH-DA-DA... ALON

ASHLEY, COULD YOU COME HERE FOR A SECOND, PLEASE?

COULDN'T YOU HAVE POINTED IRENE TOWARDS A DRESS WITH A BACK?

OH, YES, I COULD HAVE,

BUT I WANTED SOMETHING THAT SAID "GRRR."

LOOK, I WANT STANFORD. YOU'RE MY COMPETITION.

TAKE THE RESIDENCY! I DON'T WANT IT!

ALL I WANTED TO DO WAS SPEND A ROMANTIC EVENING WITH IRENE,

BUT IT'S A LITTLE DIFFICULT

WHEN EVERYONE THINKS SHE'S THE ENTERTAINMENT.

LOOK AT THAT.

SHE'S ALREADY IN WITH DR. RICHARDS.

DID HE JUST GIVE HER A DOLLAR?

COME ON, COME ON, COME ON, COME ON, COME ON, COME ON.

OKAY, COME ON. GET IN HERE.

I AM SORRY.

I WAS JUST TRYING TO MAKE OUR ANNIVERSARY MEMORABLE.

I'LL ALWAYS REMEMBER IT AS THE NIGHT YOU WET MY BED

AND ALMOST GOT ME FIRED.

YOU KNOW, ACTUALLY,

I THOUGHT I WAS BEING PRETTY DARN CUTE.

WHY COULDN'T YOU BE CUTE TOMORROW NIGHT?

BECAUSE TOMORROW NIGHT IS NOT OUR ANNIVERSARY.

DON'T YOU CARE THAT NOTHING TURNS OUT FOR US

THE WAY THAT IT'S SUPPOSED TO?

WE GOT MARRIED ON A ROOF, OUR HOUSE BURNED DOWN,

AND I'M SPENDING MY ANNIVERSARY IN AN AMBULANCE.

WELL, THE WAY I LOOK AT IT IS I MARRIED THE WOMAN I LOVE,

WE WEREN'T IN OUR HOUSE WHEN IT BURNED DOWN,

AND EVERYTHING I WANT IN LIFE IS RIGHT HERE IN THIS AMBULANCE.

AND I'M NOT JUST TALKING ABOUT THE C.B.

WELL, WHEN YOU PUT IT THAT WAY... YEAH.

I'D BE LYING IF I SAID

IT WASN'T THE BEST YEAR OF MY LIFE.

GOD... HOW'D I GET SO LUCKY?

JUST WAIT AND CHECK THIS OUT.

I WROTE YOU A POEM.

"I LOOK BACK OVER MY LIFE, AND I THINK OF MY HOT WIFE."

AWW. GO ON.

WELL, THAT'S IT.

THIS PARTY SUCKS!

YOU KNOW, IF I HAD MY OWN BOAT,

I'D LET OTHER PEOPLE TAKE A TURN AT THE WHEEL.

OKAY, DR. SPAWN, YOU START.

RIGHT! OKAY!

OKAY, THAT'S ENOUGH.

IRENE, CAN I HAVE A WORD WITH YOU, PLEASE?

THANK YOU. CARRY ON.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I GOT THESE GUYS EATING OUT OF MY HANDS!

SIT DOWN FOR A SECOND HERE.

YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO BE WITH ME,

YET YOU'RE TALKING TO EVERY OTHER PERSON.

I'M DOING THIS FOR YOU. WHAT ABOUT THE RESIDENCY?

SCREW THE RESIDENCY! I WANT TO SPEND TIME WITH YOU.

OH, SO YOU BROUGHT ME HERE TO ROMANCE ME AND WIN ME BACK.

YEAH!

I GUESS I'M JUST AN OLD SOFTY.

SO YOU LIED TO ME.

WELL, YEAH...

AREN'T OUR ISSUES ABOUT TRUST?

WAIT, YOU'RE GOING SO FAST!

FINALLY, DR. RICHARDS HAS TORN HIMSELF FROM IRENE.

IT'S SHOWTIME.

ALL RIGHT, NOW, HOW LONG HAVE WE BEEN DATING?

AND DO WE SWING?

I KNEW THIS WAS A MISTAKE.

YOU WANTED THE BEST, SO YOU CAME TO THE BEST.

I WANTED THE BEST, BUT HE WAS BUSY.

WHAT?

I ASKED A BUNCH OF GUYS, BUT THEY WERE BUS

I WAS GONNA GET AN ESCORT, BUT I SPENT SO MUCH

ON THIS DRESS THAT I SETTLED ON YOU.

COME ON, COME ON, PUT YOUR ARM AROUND ME.

HERE THEY COME!

NO, NO, I'M NOT GONNA TAKE THIS FROM YOU.

OKAY, FINE, YOU CAN PUT IT ON MY ASS AGAIN.

JUST LOOK LIKE YOU LIKE ME.

NO. IT'S FLAT, AND I DON'T WANT TO HELP YOU.

LOOK, I KNOW WE DON'T ALWAYS GET ALONG,

BUT MY FUTURE IS IN YOUR HANDS.

THEN YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN NICER TO ME.

WELL, YOU MUST BE DR. WALKER.

OH, YES, I AM.

I'M DR. RICHARDS,

AND THIS IS MY WIFE OF 43 YEARS, VALERIE.

IT'S A PLEASURE TO MEET THE BOTH OF YO

NICE TO MEET YOU, TOO.

DR. AND MRS. RICHARDS,

I'D LIKE TO INTRODUCE PETER DUNVILLE.

HE'S MY BOYFRIEND.

NO, I'M NOT.

- YES, YOU ARE. - NO, I'M NOT.

YES, WELL, ACTUALLY I'M HER SOUL MATE.

OH, THAT'S BEAUTIFUL!

SO, MR. DUNVILLE,

HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT YOUR GIRLFRIEND

AH-AH-AH... SOUL MATE.

YES... SOUL MATE...

POSSIBLY MOVING ACROSS THE COUNTRY?

WELL, I'LL TELL YOU, FROM THE MOMENT I MET ASHLEY,

SHE'S DONE NOTHING BUT MAKE ME HAPPY,

SO IF STANFORD IS WHAT SHE WANTS,

THEN THAT'S WHAT I WANT FOR HER.

YOU ARE SO SWEET.

I HOPE I DIDN'T EMBARRASS YOU, DEAR.

OH, MRS. RICHARDS,

I DO BELIEVE THEY'RE PLAYING OUR SONG.

WHO'S THE BES?

WHOO!

NOW, THAT'S A HAPPY ANNIVERSARY.

YOU REALLY LIKED THAT POEM. I'M GONNA MEMORIZE IT.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING DOWN HERE.

THIS IS THE BEST ANNIVERSARY EVER.

OH, GOD.

I THINK I JUST RADIOED FOR BACKUP.

WHOA, WHOA, WHOA! WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!

WHOA, WHOA, GUYS, WHOA!

LOOKS LIKE I'M WORKING NEW YEAR'S.

HERE. IT'S COLD OUT.

LET'S PUT THE TIGER BACK UNDER THE BIG TOP.

JUST GO AWAY.

WHY DID YOU EVEN AGREE TO COME WITH ME TONIGHT?

I TOLD YOU... TO HELP YOU GET YOUR RESIDENCY.

AND THE "WILD KINGDOM" DRESS HELPS ME HOW?

ALL RIGHT, I WORE IT

BECAUSE I KNEW IT WOULD GET ATTENTION

AND SHOW YOU HOW DESIRABLE I AM.

FEW MEN CAN ESCAPE THE POWER OF EL TIGRE.

SO YOU TRIED TO MAKE ME JEALOUS.

YEAH... "TRIED."

"IRENE, COULD I TALK TO YOU FOR A MINUTE?"

I DON'T SOUND LIKE THAT.

I JUST WANTED TO MAKE YOU FEEL

THE WAY YOU MADE ME FEEL.

I'M... I'M SO SORRY, ALL RIGHT?

I JUST THOUGHT THAT IF I COULD GET YOU HERE,

ALL DRESSED UP UNDER THE MOONLIG

YOU'D FIND IT IN YOUR HEART TO FORGIVE ME.

AND YOU THOUGHT THAT BUYING ME SOME $600 DRESS

WOULD MAKE ME FORGET ABOUT YOU KISSING THAT WOMAN?

$600?

THAT'S S-SO MUCH MONEY FOR SO LITTLE FABRIC.

I'M TRYING HERE. WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?

I DON'T KNOW IF THERE'S ANYTHING YOU CAN DO.

ONCE THE TRUST IS GONE, THERE'S NOTHING,

AND ONCE AGAIN,

YOU'VE PROVEN THAT YOU ARE NOT WORTHY OF MY TRUST.

IRENE, WAIT.

IF I GAVE YOU 1,000 KISSES

WOULD YOU GIVE ME 1,001?

YOU WATCH TOO MANY MOVIES, BERG.

ALL RIGHT, HERE'S THE THING...

IF THE CAPTAIN ASKS,

I'VE BEEN STANDING HERE ALL NIGHT.

WHERE'S ASHLEY?

WHO CARES?

FOR A SECOND THERE, I THOUGHT THERE WAS SOMETHING

BEHIND HER ASKING ME HERE TONIGHT,

BUT ONCE AGAIN,

I WAS USED TO MAKE A WOMAN LOOK GOOD.

WHERE'S IRENE?

SHE'S RIGHT DOWN THERE, LOWERING HERSELF INTO A DINGHY.

I SHOULD PROBABLY GO TELL SOMEBODY.

HEY, PETE.

HEY.

WHY AREN'T YOU IN THERE GETTING YOUR RESIDENCY?

I DON'T KNOW.

SOMETHING TOLD ME I SHOULD BE OUT HERE LOOKING FOR YOU.

REALLY?

NO, I ALREADY GOT IT.

CONGRATULATIONS.

REALLY, THANK YOU SO MUCH.

DR. AND MRS. RICHARDS JUST LOVED YOU.

YEAH, I KNOW.

SHE GAVE ME HER NUMBER AND TOLD ME HE TRAVELS A LOT.

HUH.

WHAT?

BERG WAS WATCHING THIS OLD MOVIE

ABOUT A COUPLE ON A BOAT JUST LIKE THIS.

IT'S SAPPY.

AND CORNY.

WHAT HAPPENED?

YOU KNOW, THEY DANCED, OF COURSE.

OF COURSE.

YOU WANNA?

OKAY.

SO, YOU'RE GOING TO CALIFORNIA.

YEAH, LOOKS LIKE IT WORKED OUT FOR BOTH OF US.

HOW'S THAT?

WELL, I GET A RESIDENCY, AND YOU GET RID OF ME.

JUST THINK, I ONLY NEEDED ONE MORE NAME ON MY PETITION

TO GET YOU KICKED OUT OF THE BUILDING.

IT'S A SHAME YOU CAN'T WRITE OR YOU COULD HAVE SIGNED IT.

YOU KNOW, FOR SOMEONE WHO JUST GOT

ONE OF THE BEST RESIDENCIES IN THE COUNTRY,

YOU DON'T SEEM VERY HAPPY.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? OF COURSE I'M HAPPY.

IT'S SOMETHING I'VE ALWAYS WANTED.

YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES THE EXCITING PART

IS TRYING TO GET THE THING YOU WANT,

AND THEN ONCE YOU GET IT, YOU REALIZE IT'S NOT THAT GREAT.

SO YOU START THINKING,

"MAYBE IT'S BEST TO JUST KEEP WANTING IT."

WE ARE TALKING ABOUT THE RESIDENCY, AREN'T WE?

I DON'T KNOW.

OH, HEY, THERE'S THE CAPTAIN.

WHATCHA DOIN'?

THAT MOVIE'S ON AGAIN. I NEVER SAW THE END.

THERE YOU ARE.

YOU KISSED ANOTHER WOMAN, DIDN'T YOU?

I HAD TO. SHE CALLED ME "DARLING."

YOU'RE A DIRTY-ROTTEN, WENCH-KISSING SCALLYWAG,

AND I WANT NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU.

UH-OH.

EILEEN, NO!

AH!

AH!

EEE!

I'M GONNA GO LOCK THE DOOR.