Original subtitles

THAT WAS FUN. WHAT A GREAT IDEA

TO MAKE A SNOWMAN INTO MY LIKENESS.

I'M SURPRISED IT DIDN'T MELT.

YOU'RE SO HOT. HA HA HA.

HEY! COOL. CHECK IT OUT.

THE CREATOR OF CAPTAIN KARMA IS GOING TO BE

AT PEE WEE'S COMICS. YOU WANT TO COME?

I THINK I'LL SKIP THE FUNNY BOOK CARNIVAL.

OH! I'M LATE.

IT'S HOKEY-POKEY DAY AT MY ROLLER SKATING CLASS.

OH, DO YOU WANT TO COME?

NO, THE LAST TIME I PUT MY WHOLE SELF IN,

I-I GOT IN A LOT OF TROUBLE.

YOU'RE MAKING FUN OF ME.

NO. OH, MY GOD, NO. I'M NOT.

I LOVE HOW UNIQUE YOU ARE, YOU KNOW?

YOU'RE... YOU'RE ONE OF A KIND.

YOU ARE LIKE...

YOU ARE LIKE MY OWN LITTLE DODO BIRD.

OH.

I AM SO, SO HAPPY THAT YOU ARE IN MY LIFE.

OH, WELL, I AM, TOO, SIR.

IRENE... YEAH?

I, UH...

BE CAREFUL WHEN YOU SHAKE IT ALL ABOUT.

THAT'S SWEET.

IRENE? YEAH?

I LOVE YOU.

HA HA HA. THAT'S SWEET.

HEY. HEY.

HEY, HEY, BERG, TELL ME AGAIN,

WHAT TRIMESTER ARE YOU IN?

OOH.

I TOLD IRENE THAT I LOVED HER.

WHOA, REALLY?

WOW, WOW. I-I'M SHOCKED.

I MEAN, I'M HAPPY FOR YOU...

NO, NOT YET. I'M STILL SHOCKED.

YEAH, WELL, UH, SHE DIDN'T SAY IT BACK.

OH, NO, NO, SHE PROBABLY DIDN'T HEAR YOU.

THAT'S HAPPENED TO ME BEFORE.

PETE,

THIS IS THE FIRST TIME THAT I SAID IT FIRST,

AND THE FIRST TIME I MEANT IT, I MIGHT ADD.

YEAH, THAT'S NICE.

DO I NEED TO TELL YOU

WHAT ICE CREAM DOES TO CHENILLE?

JEEZ, I TOLD HER I LOVED HER...

AND SHE LAUGHED.

I DIDN'T EVEN GET A "DITTO."

ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT?

THE FIRST THING YOU NEED TO DO IS

STOP WATCHING "GHOST."

YEAH. I KNOW, BUT, UH...

SOMETIMES YOU JUST NEED A GOOD CRY.

ALL RIGHT, NO, NO.

LOOK, GIVE IRENE SOME TIME. SHE'LL COME AROUND.

YOU THINK?

YEAH. YEAH, BUT MEANWHILE,

LOOK, DON'T SIT HERE WALLOWING IN SELF-PITY.

YOU KNOW, GO... GO FIND YOUR SMILE.

HEY, LOOK, LOOK. CAPTAIN KARMA'S IN TOWN.

GO SEE HIM. YOU LIKE HIM.

I DO LOVE CAPTAIN KARMA.

LOOK,

ALL HIS SUPERHERO FRIENDS WILL BE THERE.

HUH? SO, YOU KNOW, GO ENJOY YOURSELF

AND DON'T THINK ABOUT IRENE.

YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU'RE RIGHT, PETE.

YOU ARE RIGHT.

HEY... YOU'RE A GOOD FRIEND.

DITTO.

YOU'RE THE COOLEST, CAPTAIN KARMA.

THANK YOU.

OH, MY GOD. I KNOW YOU.

YOU'RE MIKEY BERGEN.

AND YOU'RE... S-SOMEONE WHO KNOWS ME.

I'M KATIE CONNER.

WE WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL TOGETHER.

UH, NO, NO, WE DIDN'T.

IF THERE WERE GIRLS WHO LOOKED LIKE YOU

IN HIGH SCHOOL, WE WOULDN'T HAVE HAD TO

TURN OUT THE LIGHTS AT THE DANCES.

WELL, I DO LOOK A LITTLE DIFFERENT NOW.

I WAS 4 INCHES SHORTER AND ABOUT 50 POUNDS HEAVIER.

REMEMBER?

OH, AND I HAD A LAZY EYE

AND I USED TO WEARA PATCH.

EVERYBODY CALLED ME "PATCHES."

RIGHT, RIGHT, AND I HAD SCURVY AND A HUMP.

YEAH.

WELL, I GUESS YOU WOULDN'T REMEMBER ME.

I MEAN, YOU WERE A SENIOR AND I WAS A GEEKY FRESHMAN.

BECAUSE OF YOU, I WENT TO SEE

EVERY PERFORMANCE OF "OKLAHOMA!"

OH, WELL, YEAH,

I-I WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A RANCHER, BUT THEY...

THEY NEEDED ANOTHER COWGIRL FOR THE DANCE.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I RAN INTO YOU

AFTER ALL THESE YEARS.

IT'S LIKE DESTINY OR SOMETHING.

DESTINY... THAT'S... THAT'S THE NAME

OF CAPTAIN KARMA'S ROBOTIC HORSE.

RIDE, DESTINY, RIDE!

WHAT A BUNCH OF GEEKS.

HERE'S ONE PERFECT

FOR A COUPLE FIREFIGHTERS LIKE US...

"THE BOYS OF FIRE ISLAND."

JOHN... JOHNNY, I-I...

IT GOT TWO THUMBS UP.

YEAH, UM, THOSE AREN'T THUMBS.

OH, JOHNNY, THANK GOD YOU'RE WEARING

YOUR BIG BOY PANTS.

OKAY, TURN AROUND.

WHAT?

GREAT NEWS. WE'RE GOING TO A BUSINESS MIXER TONIGHT.

I DON'T WANT TO GO TO A BUSINESS MIXER.

OH, OH, I'M SORRY. I MEANT "FREE BOOZE."

I CAN'T. I'M GOING TO THE MOVIES WITH PETE.

OH, THAT SOUNDS LIKE FUN. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO SEE?

NOT GAY PORN.

NO, SERIOUSLY, SWEETIE. I CAN'T GO TO THIS THING.

I AM GOING TO THE MOVIES WITH PETE.

I KNOW. SOUNDS FUN. TUCK IN YOUR SHIRT.

I'M NOT KIDDING.

I KNOW, BABY. I KNOW WHEN YOU'RE KIDDING.

LIFT UP YOUR ARMS.

SHARON, YOU CAN'T JUST COME IN HERE

AND CHANGE HIS PLANS.

PETE, I WOULDN'T DREAM OF IT. PUT YOUR ARMS DOWN.

I THINK IT'S GREAT THAT YOU GUYS ARE HANGING OUT.

OKAY. GOOD NIGHT, PETE.

YOU GUYS HAVE FUN AT THE MOVIES.

HI, PETE.

HEY!

HEY, ASHLEY, I DIDN'T SEE YOU THERE.

SO, IT'S FRIDAY NIGHT. DO YOU HAVE PLANS,

OR DO YOU WANT TO BORROW MY HOME FACIAL KIT AGAIN?

I HAVE A DATE TONIGHT.

OH. I HAVE A DATE, TOO.

OH, WELL, THEN, I'LL LET YOU GET READY.

I'M SURE YOU WANT TO SHED YOUR SKIN.

WELL, YOU HAVE A GOOD TIME.

OH, AND DON'T FORGET TO TIP YOUR DATE.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

IT MIGHT INTEREST YOU TO KNOW

THAT MY DATE IS, IN FACT, NOT A HOOKER.

SHE HAPPENS TO BE A RHODES SCHOLAR/NYMPHOMANIAC.

GREAT.

THEN SHE'LL BE BORED AND FRUSTRATED.

SWEETIE, SWEETIE, SWEETIE, STOP FIDGETING.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I'M DOING HERE.

OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

IF WE'RE GOING TO LOOK LIKE A REAL LAW FIRM,

WE'RE GOING TO NEED MORE THAN ONE LAWYER,

SO FOR TONIGHT, YOU'RE THE SILENT PARTNER.

BUT I'M NOT A LAWYER.

SILENT!

OH, OKAY. THERE'S MARK.

HI. I WANT YOU TO MEET MY HUSBAND JOHNNY.

IT'S GOOD TO KNOW YOU.

YOU, TOO.

YOU LOOK NICE.

SEE, I TOLD YOU THIS WASN'T GOING TO BE SO BAD.

I'D RATHER BE ON A FUN SHIP CRUISE

WITH MY EX-WIFE AND HER MOTHER.

AND I'D RATHER BE WORKING FOR A PRESTIGIOUS LAWYER.

HA HA. SO START MINGLING.

OKAY, HERE ARE SOME BUSINESS CARDS.

WHOA! BUSINESS CARDS.

I ALWAYS WANTED TO HAVE BUSINESS CARDS.

OKAY, SO I WANT YOU TO GIVE EVERY ONE OF THOSE

TO A PROSPECTIVE CLIENT TONIGHT.

HERE YOU GO, SHARON.

UM, I'M GOING TO WORK THE BUFFET LINE.

YOU COVER THESE TABLES. JOHNNY, YOU WANT TO COME?

WITH YOU NOW, OR HERE AT ALL?

GO GET 'EM, TIGER.

BOY, YOUR WIFE HAS A WAY OF GETTING WHAT SHE WANTS,

DOESN'T SHE?

YEAH, I THINK SO,

BUT I SHOULD REALLY CHECK WITH HER.

LET ME BUY YOU A DRINK.

MY WIFE SAID THEY WERE FREE.

WHY DO YOU THINK I'M BUYING?

WHY DID WE RENT THIS?

WE SHOULD JUST BUY IT.

HEY, PETE.

OH, WHAT IS IT NOW?

DOES THIS, UH...

DOES THIS LOOK LIKE A FOUR OR A NINE TO YOU?

LOOKS LIKE A... WHAT?

THAT JUGHEAD... HE CAN'T EAT THAT MANY BURGERS.

IT'S A FOUR, AND WHO'S KATIE?

SHE'S A CUTE GIRL I RAN INTO AT THE COMIC BOOK STORE.

BERG... HOW OLD IS SHE?

WE USED TO GO TO HIGH SCHOOL TOGETHER,

AND, MAN, HAS SHE CHANGED.

BEST-LOOKING ONE-EYED FAT GIRL I'VE EVER SEEN.

WHAT ABOUT IRENE? I KNOW SHE'S A KOOK,

BUT SHE'S GOT TO GIVE THE CHUBBY CYCLOPS

A RUN FOR HER MONEY.

MEETING KATIE WAS DESTINY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? BERG, NO, NO.

IT WASN'T DESTINY. IT WAS A COINCIDENCE.

YOU JUST... YOU BUMPED INTO THE GIRL ONCE.

NO, NO, I BUMPED INTO HER ON THE SAME DAY

MY GIRLFRIEND, MORE OR LESS, SAID SHE HATES ME.

PETE, SEE, I THINK EVERYTHING IN LIFE HAPPENS FOR A REASON.

YOU KNOW, KATIE WAS PUT THERE TO SHOW ME

THAT THERE'S SOMEONE ELSE OUT THERE BETTER FOR ME.

I KNOW IT.

I KNOW YOU'RE HURT, OKAY?

AND I KNOW THIS GIRL

PROBABLY MAKES YOU FEEL BETTER ABOUT YOURSELF,

BUT DON'T USE DESTINY AS SOME EXCUSE

TO BAIL ON YOUR RELATIONSHIP WITH IRENE.

OH, YOU'RE RIGHT.

YOU'RE RIGHT. WHAT AM I THINKING?

THERE YOU GO.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I'M GOING TO GO TALK THIS THROUGH WITH IRENE

RIGHT AFTER MY SHIFT AT THE HOSPITAL.

MAYBE STOP BY RECOVERY, STEAL SOME FLOWERS.

BERG, COME ON. THAT'S NOT NICE.

TAKE IT FROM A GUY IN A COMA. HE'LL NEVER KNOW.

OKAY, BEFORE I GO... AW...

BEFORE I GO, I WANT YOU TO KEEP HIM

ON AN I.V. DRIP AT 200 C.C.s, AND, UH...

GIVE YOURSELF 50 C.C.s.

YOU KNOW, THIS WHEELCHAIR IS REALLY UNNECESSARY.

I JUST JAMMED MY FINGER PLAYING BASKETBALL.

OH, YOU KNOW,

I PLAYED BALL WHEN I WAS IN COLLEGE.

COULD HAVE GONE PRO, BUT I LOST MY GYM BAG.

OH, MY GOD. BERG?

KATIE, HI! WHAT... ARE YOU OKAY?

OH, YEAH. I JUST DOVE FOR A LOOSE BALL,

AND I JAMMED MY FINGER.

SEE, THAT'S WHY I DON'T GOLF.

I THINK I CAN TAKE IT FROM HERE. THANK YOU.

HO-HO. I WAS TOTALLY DOC BLOCKED.

LET'S TAKE A LOOK AT THAT.

WOW. I HAD NO IDEA YOU WERE A DOCTOR.

YOU KNOW, I ALWAYS THOUGHT

YOU'D DO SOMETHING WITH YOUR A.V. SKILLS.

WELL, I DO ACTUALLY RUN

MOST OF THE OVERHEAD PROJECTORS

HERE AT THE HOSPITAL.

SEE, YOU'VE... YOU'VE REALLY JAMMED THIS.

ARE YOU READY?

HUH? OKAY.

YAAH!

HOW'S THAT FEEL?

OH, IT'S MUCH BETTER.

THANKS.

YEAH, WELL... NOW YOU PULL MY FINGER.

I CAN'T BELIEVE THIS.

I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU IN EIGHT YEARS,

AND THEN I RUN INTO YOU TWICE IN ONE DAY?

THAT... THAT IS QUITE A COINCIDENCE, YEAH.

NO, I DON'T BELIEVE IN COINCIDENCE.

I BELIEVE EVERYTHING HAPPENS FOR A REASON.

WELL, SO DO I!

SO DO I.

YEAH, WELL, UM...

UH, KEEP ICE ON THAT UNTIL THE SWELLING GOES DOWN

AND THAT SHOULD BE FINE.

OKAY.

WELL, IT WAS NICE BUMPING INTO YOU AGAIN.

YEAH, YEAH.

OH, BY THE WAY, BERG, I STAYED COOL.

EXCUSE ME?

IN MY YEARBOOK, YOU SAID THAT I SHOULD STAY COOL,

SO I DID.

I, UH, CAN'T BELIEVE THAT YOU REMEMBERED THAT.

ARE YOU KIDDING?

I HAD ONE EYE AND A PITUITARY DYSFUNCTION.

PEOPLE WEREN'T LINING UP TO SIGN MY BOOK.

OH, YOU'RE PATCHES!

OH, I THOUGHT YOU WERE A BOY!

YEAH, YOU WEREN'T THE ONLY ONE.

THE PROM QUEEN ASKED ME TO THE DANCE.

WELL, GOD, I...

I WISH... I WISH I ASKED YOU TO THE DANCE.

WHY... WHY ARE YOU LOOKING AT ME LIKE THAT?

I DON'T KNOW.

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE JUST KIND OF SPECIAL.

RIDE, DESTINY, RIDE.

Ashley: PETE?

PETE?

HEY!

HEY, WHAT A COINCIDENCE.

I WAS JUST HIDING FROM YOU.

MOVE, MOVE, MOVE, MOVE, MOVE.

IT'S OKAY. I'M A DOCTOR.

SO WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR BIG EVENING?

SAME THING THAT HAPPENED TO YOUR IMAGINARY DATE.

I AM NOT THAT PATHETIC. SHE'S PARKING THE CAR.

WOW. YOU LET HER DRIVE THE IMAGINARY PORSCHE?

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT. LET'S JUST ADMIT IT.

FINE.

I REALLY DIDN'T HAVE A DATE.

ALL RIGHT. MY DATE CANCELED.

SHE'S UNDERWEAR SHOPPING FOR OUR DATE TOMORROW NIGHT.

SO WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO SEE?

OH, I WANTED TO SEE THAT UKRANIAN FILM,

BUT IT'S SOLD OUT.

MAN, HOW SMALL CAN THAT THEATER BE?

SO WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO SEE?

WELL, THE ONLY THING LEFT IS THAT ROMANTIC COMEDY,

BUT I HATE ROMANTIC COMEDIES.

WHY? YOUR WHOLE LOVE LIFE'S A JOKE.

WHAT?

I CAN READ THE MARQUEE BACKWARDS

IN YOUR OILY FOREHEAD.

HEY, WHAT'S THAT ROMANTIC COMEDY ABOUT?

IT'S ABOUT TWO PEOPLE

WHO HATE EACH OTHER FOR TWO HOURS.

THEN THEY WIND UP DOING IT.

GOD.

WHO WRITES THIS CRAP?

Both: ONE, PLEASE.

ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT.

I HANDED OUT ALL MY BUSINESS CARDS.

YEAH, ME, TOO.

YOU KNOW, IF EVEN A SINGLE PERSON CALLS,

THEN THIS NIGHT WAS A SUCCESS.

HA HA.

JOHNNY, SWEETIE, WHAT'S THAT IN YOUR POCKET?

HONEY, I DON'T THINK THAT GAME'S

REALLY APPROPRIATE RIGHT NOW.

OH, THOSE. YEAH.

YEAH, MARK GAVE THEM TO ME.

YEAH, SEE, WHENEVER I SAVE SOMEONE FROM A FIRE,

I'M GOING TO SLIP THEM ONE OF YOUR CARDS

WHILE THEY'RE STILL STRAPPED TO THE STRETCHER

AND HIGH ON OXYGEN.

GOD, MARK, I HAD TO JUMP THROUGH HOOPS

TO GET US INVITED TO THIS STUPID THING.

SHARON, I CAN'T PRETEND TO BE SOMEBODY I'M NOT.

NEITHER CAN MY CLIENTS.

YEAH, I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT I WAS THINKING,

INVITING YOU HERE.

I GUESS I WAS JUST TRYING TO CONVINCE YOU

THAT YOU'RE A BETTER LAWYER THAN YOU PRETEND TO BE,

BUT, I MEAN, WHO AM I KIDDING?

I CAN'T MAKE A DIFFERENCE.

I'M SUCH A FAILURE.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, SHARON. YOU'RE NOT A FAILURE.

YOU'RE A FAILURE'S ASSISTANT.

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT, GIVE ME THE CARDS.

I'LL DO IT.

BABY... YES?

ARE YOU FAKE CRYING?

YES.

ALL RIGHT!

I'M FINALLY STARTING TO PICK UP ON THAT.

MAN, THAT MOVIE WAS BAD.

GOOD CALL ON THE BEER RUN.

THOSE EMPTIES MAKE A LOT OF NOISE

WHEN THEY ROLL DOWN TO THE FRONT.

YOU KNOW, I DON'T KNOW WHETHER IT'S THE BEER TALKING

OR THE KAHLUA OR OR THE TEQUILA...

BUT I HAD A GREAT TIME.

YEAH, WELL, WHOEVER IT WAS,

THEY SHOULD BRUSH THEIR TEETH.

THAT'S FUNNY.

YOU'RE FUNNY.

I LIKE IT WHEN WE SAY MEAN THINGS TO EACH OTHER.

NO, NO, WAIT A MINUTE.

I LIKE IT WHEN I SAY MEAN THINGS TO YOU

AND THEN YOU JUST KIND OF STARE AT ME

AND GO, "BIG WORDS MAKE MY HEAD HURT SOMETHING FIERCE."

ALL RIGHT, WELL... GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT.

OH. OH.

OH, I'M SORRY.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL SEE YOU LATER. GOODBYE.

HEY, LET ME ASK YOU SOMETHING...

DO YOU, UH... DO YOU BELIEVE IN DESTINY?

YEAH, I DO.

I DIDN'T REALLY THINK ABOUT IT UNTIL TONIGHT.

YOU KNOW, I MEAN, LOOK... LOOK AT WHAT HAPPENED.

I MEAN, ALL WE TRY TO DO IS AVOID ONE ANOTHER,

YET TONIGHT, DESPITE ALL THE LIES

AND ALL THE DIFFERENT MOVIE THEATERS TO CHOOSE FROM,

WE WIND UP TOGETHER.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT? I HAD A GREAT TIME.

I HAD A GREAT TIME WITH YOU TONIGHT.

HA HA.

WHAT... WHAT'S SO FUNNY?

IF YOU WERE ANYONE ELSE,

I'D THINK YOU WERE COMING ON TO ME.

IF YOU WERE ANYBODY ELSE, MAYBE I WOULD BE.

HEY.

GUESS WHAT.

DESTINY STRIKES AGAIN.

B-B-B-B-B-B-B-B!

WHAT YOU GOT THERE?

MY OLD YEARBOOK.

OH, YOU'RE THINKING

ABOUT CALLING YOUR FRIENDS FROM FLAG CORPS?

NO, WE'VE GROWN APART.

I'M LOOKING AT WHAT THAT GIRL KATIE WROTE. WHO?

THE COMIC BOOK GIRL. LISTEN TO THIS.

"BERG..." I DOUBT YOU'LL EVEN READ THIS,

"BUT IF YOU DO, YOU SHOULD KNOW

"THE ONLY THING I LIKED ABOUT SCHOOL

"WAS THE CHANCE THAT I MIGHT SEE YOU AT LUNCH.

"YOU'RE GOING TO LEAVE THESE AWKWARD TEENAGE YEARS BEHIND

"AND GO ON TO DO GREAT THINGS.

"I ONLY WISH THAT I COULD BE THERE TO SEE IT.

"SEE YA. KATIE.

P.S... SCHOOL'S A BUMMER. HAVE A GREAT SUMMER."

THAT'S IT.

I'M CALLING HER.

HEY, BERG!

YOU WERE VERY PRETTY IN "OKLAHOMA!"

HEY, WHERE'D THAT...

WHERE IS HER NUMBER? I THREW IT IN HERE.

DID YOU TAKE OUT THE TRASH?

IT WAS ITS DESTINY.

GOTCHA!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

WE'RE OUT OF PLASTIC BAGS.

DO I BOTHER YOU WHEN YOU'RE GOING THROUGH THE TRASH?

BERG, I WANT TO EXPLAIN ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED EARLIER.

OKAY, HOLD ON, LOOK, DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT, OKAY?

THERE'S NO NEED TO EXPLAIN.

WELL, YES, THERE IS.

LOOK, YOU TOLD ME YOU LOVED ME, AND I FROZE.

I GUESS WHEN YOU DREAM ABOUT SOMETHING FOR SO LONG,

AND THEN IT FINALLY HAPPENS,

IT... IT TAKES YOUR BREATH AWAY.

YOU KNOW, I HAD TO CATCH MY BREATH, BERG.

OKAY.

AND IF I'D BEEN ABLE TO,

WHAT I WOULD HAVE SAID IS...

I LOVE YOU, TOO.

I LOVE YOU, MICHAEL BERGEN.

DITTO.

YOU SMELL ALL FUNKY.

WHY DON'T YOU COME IN? I'LL FIX YOU SOMETHING FRESH.

OH, I... HA HA.

OKAY, YEAH, ACTUALLY, JUST GIVE ME A MINUTE.

I'LL BE RIGHT...

I'M JUST GOING TO GRAB THE GARBAGE HERE.

HEY, LOOK, LOOK...

CAPTAIN KARMA'S IN TOWN. GO SEE HIM.

YOU DO... YOU... YOU... YOU... YOU...

YOU... YOU... YOU... YOU... YOU...

I'LL JUST KEEP STUFFING THIS UP MY NOSE, BABY.

I DIDN'T SIGN THAT "THE BERGSTER," DID I?

NO? UH...

DYING A SLOW AND PAINFUL DEATH NOW.