Original subtitles

OKAY, I'M NOT SAYING YES...

BUT TELL ME AGAIN WHAT COLORS YOU HAVE.

OH, I JUST LOVE HAVING A BOYFRIEND.

YOU KNOW, FOR MY FIRST OFFICIAL ACT

AS YOUR GIRLFRIEND, I'D LOVE TO THROW YOUR MOTHER

A "WELCOME TO BOSTON" PARTY.

SWEETIE, ACTUALLY, SINCE THIS PEDICURE

IS SO UNEXPECTEDLY EROTIC,

CAN YOU MAKE THAT YOUR SECOND OFFICIAL ACT?

OKAY, WELL, MAYBE A PARTY'S TOO MUCH.

A LUNCHEON, A TEA...

A BOSTON TEA PARTY! MAN, I'M GOOD.

YOU KNOW WHAT? FINE.

IF YOU DO THAT, THOUGH,

WE'RE GOING TO HAVE TO TELL PETE ABOUT US,

SO JUST COME ON BACK DOWN TO THE REAL WORLD.

NOW, DO YOU THINK THE GLITTER SAYS SASSY

OR JUST WEIRD?

LET'S TELL PETE.

WHAT? ARE... ARE YOU SURE?

YES. WE'VE BEEN DATING FOR A FULL WEEK,

SLEEPING TOGETHER FOR SEVERAL MONTHS.

I THINK WE'RE ON PRETTY SOLID GROUND.

WELL, IT WOULD DEFINITELY TAKE A LOAD

OFF OF MY SHOULDERS.

I'M GETTING PRETTY TIRED OF EXPLAINING

"HELLO, KITTY" UNDERWEAR IN THE LAUNDRY BASKET.

THIS JUST FEELS RIGHT, YOU KNOW?

AND THE SOONER YOU TELL HIM,

THE SOONER HE CAN START THE HEALING.

WHAT HEALING?

WELL, BETRAYAL BY THE PERSON

HE THOUGHT WAS HIS BEST FRIEND, YOU GOOSE.

BETRAYAL? HOLD ON A SECOND.

I DIDN'T BETRAY HIM. ALL RIGHT?

YOU HAD A THING FOR HIM,

AND HE DIDN'T HAVE A THING FOR YOU.

YEAH, OKAY. BUT HE'S BOUND TO BE INSULTED

THAT YOU'VE BEEN LYING TO HIM ALL THIS TIME.

LOOK, IRENE, NO OFFENSE, OKAY,

BUT I THINK I KNOW PETE A LITTLE BIT BETTER

THAN YOU DO, ALL RIGHT? HE'S GOING TO BE JUST FINE.

GOD, I WISH IT WAS SANDAL WEATHER!

DID YOU HEAR THAT?

DO YOU THINK THAT WAS BERG?

PETE, YOU DREW THE SHADES, YOU LOCKED THE DOOR.

HE'S NOT GETTING IN UNLESS HE COMES DOWN THE CHIMNEY.

DO YOU THINK I SHOULD CLOSE THE FLUE?

COME HERE.

MMM.

YOU'RE GETTING A LITTLE SCRUFFY.

OH. YEAH, I'M GROWING A GOATEE.

ALL THE GUYS AT THE FIREHOUSE HAVE ONE.

DO YOU LIKE IT?

IT'S GOING TO BE GREAT WHEN IT FILLS IN.

I BET YOU'RE THE MANLY KIND OF GUY

WHO CAN DO THAT IN A WEEK.

THIS IS 10 DAYS.

WELL, GIVE IT TIME.

I JUST LOVE A MAN WITH A BEARD.

YOU KNOW, SUSAN, I JUST WANT TO TELL YOU

THAT I'VE NEVER BEEN HAPPIER.

BUT I'M REALLY WORRIED. WHAT IF BERG FOUND OUT?

PETE, I RAISED AN UNDERSTANDING

AND SENSITIVE SON.

ONCE HE SEES HOW HAPPY I AM, I KNOW HE'LL BE PLEASED.

AND THIS OTHER SON OF YOURS...

WILL HE TALK TO BERG?

Berg: OW!

PETE, WHY IS THE DOOR LOCKED?

OH, GOD. NOW HE KNOWS THE DOOR'S LOCKED.

PETE, JUST STAY CALM. EVERYTHING WILL BE ALL RIGHT.

HI, MICHAEL.

MOM, WHY IS THE DOOR LOCKED?

WELL, YOU KNOW, IT'S THE BIG CITY,

AND I DON'T FEEL SAFE WITH JUST PETE IN THE HOUSE.

IT'S TRUE. I COULDN'T SAVE HER FROM AN INTRUDER.

I-I BRUISE LIKE A PEACH.

LISTEN, UH, PETE, I WANT TO TALK ABOUT

WHAT'S BEEN GOING ON WHEN I'M NOT AROUND.

WH-WHAT?

I THINK WE NEED TO HAVE A DISCUSSION.

NO, I CAN'T, BECAUSE I-I HAVE TO GO...

JOB... THING... FIRE.

DID HE EAT SOME CAKE EARLIER?

HEY, SHAR, DO YOU OR JOHNNY

HAVE ANYTHING TO HELP GROW FACIAL HAIR?

WHAT FOR?

IT'S NOT VERY GOOD, IS IT?

IT'S JUST... IT'S NOT GROWING IN RIGHT HERE

AND HERE AND HERE AND HERE.

SIT DOWN.

I AM GOING TO TAKE SUCH GOOD CARE OF YOU.

ALL RIGHT.

WHOA! WHOA, WHOA, WHOA, WHOA.

COME ON, I'M NOT GOING TO WEAR MAKEUP.

HOW VAIN DO YOU THINK I AM?

I ALSO HAVE SOME STUFF FOR THE PUFFY EYES.

REALLY? I'VE TRIED EVERYTHING.

AAH! AAH!

DON'T DO THAT!

I HAD TO. I JUST HAD AN ICED TEA.

ALL RIGHT, LOOK, I, UH, I NEED TO TALK TO YOU.

FIRST OF ALL,

THE GOATEE GREW IN REALLY FAST.

SECOND OF ALL, I HAVE TO ASK YOU SOMETHING.

HOW LONG HAVE WE BEEN FRIENDS, PETE?

I DON'T KNOW.

YEAH, IT'S BEEN SPECIAL FOR ME, TOO.

LOOK, UH, HOW WOULD YOU FEEL

IF ONE OF US KEPT A SECRET FROM THE OTHER ONE?

WHY WOULD YOU ASK ME THAT?

NO REASON, BUT LET'S JUST SAY

ONE OF US DID SOMETHING THAT SOME PEOPLE

MIGHT CONSIDER SHOCKING,

AND I KEPT IT FROM YOU, OR YOU DID SOMETHING SHOCKING

AND KEPT IT SECRET FROM ME.

I'M NOT KEEPING A SECRET FROM YOU.

I'M NOT SAYING YOU ARE.

BUT, UH, LET'S JUST SAY YOU ARE.

LET'S SAY YOU ARE. HOW DO YOU LIKE THAT?

THERE'S NO NEED TO GET DEFENSIVE.

NOW YOU'RE ACCUSING ME OF BEING DEFENSIVE?

I'M NOT.

SOUNDS LIKE YOU ARE.

I'M NOT. LOOK, EVERYONE HAS SECRETS.

I DON'T. I DON'T.

AND IF YOU DO, JUST KEEP THEM TO YOURSELF.

WHAT?

WE MAY BE BEST FRIENDS, BUT WE'RE ALSO GUYS,

AND GUYS DON'T HAVE TO SHARE EACH AND EVERY MUSHY EMOTION

WITH EACH OTHER, ALL RIGHT?

WE NEED BOUNDARIES.

DEAL?

DEAL.

COME HERE.

SWEETIE?

Johnny: IN HERE.

HAVE YOU SEEN MY CELL PHONE?

JUST CALL YOURSELF AND LET IT RING.

GOOD IDEA.

I HOPE I DON'T ANSWER. THAT WOULD FREAK ME OUT.

UH, BABY, DO YOU HAVE THE PAPER?

IN WITH ME. I'M DOING THE CROSSWORD.

GOOD.

OH, MY GOSH.

FIND YOUR PHONE?

NOPE. I FOUND SOMETHING BETTER.

I'LL TALK TO YOU LATER.

WHAT WAS THAT FOR?

'CAUSE I LOVE YOU.

HEY, SHAR.

HI!

WOW. YOU SEEM CHEERY THIS MORNING.

YEAH, IT'S MY HUSBAND.

HE KNOWS HOW TO KEEP ME VERY HAPPY.

SO WHAT DID YOU DO?

I NEVER KNOW.

SO, YOU WANTED TO SEE ME?

YES. YES.

I HAVE A LITTLE THANK-YOU PRESENT

FOR THE VERY LUCRATIVE STOCK TIP YOU GAVE ME.

OH, JOHNNY!

THIS IS BEAUTIFUL.

YEAH, WELL, IT SHOULD BE.

THE GUY AT THE YARD SALE SCREWED ME OUT OF 5 BUCKS.

JOHNNY, THIS IS VINTAGE CHANEL.

IT'S GOT TO BE WORTH $500.

$500?

YOU WANT IT BACK?

NO.

WELL... NO.

I JUST WANTED TO REMIND YOU NOT TO TELL,

YOU KNOW, SHARON ABOUT ALL THE MONEY I MADE.

I CAN'T LIE TO SHARON. SHE'S MY FRIEND.

ALL RIGHT, THEN GIVE ME THE SCARF BACK.

THEN AGAIN, SHARON DOESN'T GO WITH MY FAVORITE BLOUSE.

IRENE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE SO EARLY?

I'M SETTING UP FOR THE PARTY, SLOWPOKE.

SEE, I MADE GOODY BAGS FOR ALL OUR GUESTS

COMMEMORATING OUR LOVE.

THERE ARE CHOCOLATE KISSES,

A "BERG AND IRENE" POTHOLDER,

AND A WHISTLE.

WOW, THIS IS GREAT STUFF, IRENE,

BUT DON'T YOU THINK WE SHOULD MAYBE

PUT THE BRAKES ON THE PARTY?

I'M JUST THINKING, MY MOM JUST GOT DIVORCED...

YOU DIDN'T TALK TO PETE, DID YOU?

I TRIED. HE GOT SO DEFENSIVE.

IT'S BECAUSE YOU'RE EMBARRASSED OF ME, ISN'T IT?

OH, GOD, IRENE, WHY DO YOU ALWAYS GO THERE?

I MEAN...

YEAH, YOU KNOW, IT'S OKAY.

I KNOW HOW PEOPLE SEE ME.

I'M A JOKE, A LAUGHINGSTOCK.

WHEN I WAS LITTLE, YOU KNOW WHAT THEY USED TO CALL ME?

JUDY.

WH-WHY?

WHY... WHY WOULD THEY CALL YOU THAT?

'CAUSE JUDY WAS THE CLASS DOOFUS,

AND THEN SHE MOVED... LITTLE REDHEADED FREAK!

OH, NO, NO, NO. HEY, COME HERE.

LOOK, HEY... NO, NO, NO, NO.

NO ONE IS LAUGHING AT YOU.

YEAH, WELL, THAT'S SWEET OF YOU, BERG.

NOT MANY PEOPLE CAN APPRECIATE

MY CREATIVE WAYS OF DEALING WITH AN UNKIND WORLD.

I GUESS I JUST CAN'T BLAME YOU

FOR NOT TELLING PETE.

YOU'VE GOT IT ALL WRONG, THOUGH,

'CAUSE I DID TELL PETE.

I DID.

I DID.

UM... AND HE DIDN'T LAUGH AT ALL, YOU KNOW.

IN FACT, HE DIDN'T TAKE IT VERY WELL.

REALLY?

YES, REALLY. REALLY. UM, REALLY.

IN FACT, YOU KNOW, IF I HADN'T BEEN THERE,

I THINK THAT HE MIGHT HAVE CRIED.

GOSH, WELL, I MUST TALK TO HIM.

WE MUST TALK AND CLEAR THE AIR.

OH, BUT NOW HE'S PROBABLY NOT COMING TO THE PARTY.

WELL, HE'S STILL COMING TO THE PARTY.

OKAY.

BUT I... YOU KNOW,

I THINK HE'S JUST GOING TO NEED SOME SPACE.

NONSENSE. HE NEEDS COMFORTING,

TWO POTHOLDERS FOR PETE.

HA HA.

THAT'S GOOD.

GOD, I HOPE THERE'S BOOZE AT THIS TEA PARTY.

HONEY, YOU DRESSED FOR THE PARTY?

COME ON, BABY,

YOU KNOW I ONLY HAVE ONE PAIR OF PANTS.

JOHNNY, I CAN'T GO TO THE PARTY LIKE THIS.

WELL, CHANGE YOUR SHOES.

NO, NO, NO. THE SHOES ARE PERFECT.

IT'S THE DRESS. THE DRESS IS TOO PLAIN.

I NEED SOMETHING TO BRING IT ALIVE,

AND MY NECK IS COLD.

BABY, YOU DON'T NEED ACCESSORIES.

YOU'RE FULLY LOADED.

NOTHING? NOT LIKE A BELT, A SCARF,

NECKLACE, SCARF?

NO, BABY, I THINK YOU'RE BEAUTIFUL

JUST THE WAY YOU ARE.

HA HA HA HA HA!

OH, I FOUND THE SCARF...

RIGHT THERE IN THE BAG.

SEE, NOW I FOUND IT. YOU HAVE TO GIVE IT TO ME.

THAT'S HOW THE GAME WORKS.

YEAH, OH, WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?

I-I AM... I AM SO ANGRY WITH YOU

FOR SNOOPING AND SPOILING YOUR GIFT, THAT YOU...

YOU MAY OR MAY NOT GET THIS SCARF.

WELL, JOHNNY...

YOU KEEP PUSHING, AND IT'S GOING TO BE ONE

IN A COMPLETELY DIFFERENT COLOR.

SO... IS EVERYONE HAVING A NICE TIME?

YEAH, SHARON WANTED TO WATCH THE GAME,

BUT I SAID, NO, NO, NO, LET'S GOT TO THE TEA PARTY.

JOHNNY, I DON'T HAVE TIME TO EXPLAIN,

BUT CAN YOU KEEP IRENE FROM PETE UNTIL I TALK TO HIM?

WHY?

RIGHT, ALLOW ME TO TAKE THE TIME TO EXPLAIN.

I TOLD IRENE I TOLD PETE ABOUT US,

AND I DIDN'T.

KIDS USED TO CALL HER JUDY. ISN'T THAT ENOUGH?

BERG, I'M SORRY.

YOU MIGHT LIVE BY THE LIE, ALL RIGHT,

BUT JOHNNY DONNELLY ONLY SPEAKS THE TRUTH.

SHARON?

I'LL DO IT.

PETE, THERE YOU ARE.

LISTEN, I NEED TO TALK TO YOU, OKAY?

AND WE NEED TO TALK RIGHT NOW.

PETER, IT IS SO NICE TO SEE YOU.

OH, YOU POOR, POOR THING.

COME. LET'S SIT DOWN AND MEND SOME FENCES.

JUST YOU AND ME? ALL RIGHT, LET'S TALK RIGHT NOW

WHOA. SEE, IRENE, I TOLD YOU. HE'S JUST NOT READY RIGHT NOW.

UM, SOME OF THE GOODY BAGS DON'T HAVE WHISTLES.

OH, GALL DANG IT.

PETE... HEY, BERG.

AH! OKAY, WHAT'S WITH THE CAMERA?

IT'S HELPFUL FOR CAPTURING THOSE SPECIAL MOMENTS

SO WHEN I WAKE UP TOMORROW I'LL KNOW THIS WASN'T A DREAM.

HEY, ASH, UM, I DIDN'T GET YOUR R.S.V.P.

OKAY, NO GOODY BAG.

HEY, JOHNNY, YOU LIKE MY SCARF?

NO, NO, NO. TAKE IT OFF, TAKE IT OFF.

I'M SORRY. LOOK... JUST, UM, SHARON SAW THE SCARF

AND THOUGHT IT WAS FOR HER,

SO I LIED AND TOLD HER IT WAS.

OH, MY GOD. AND TO THINK I ALMOST DIDN'T WEAR IT.

SO CAN I HAVE IT BACK, PLEASE?

OH, COME ON, JOHNNY.

SOMEDAY WE'LL LOOK BACK AT THIS AND LAUGH,

ESPECIALLY WHEN WE LOOK AT THESE PHOTOS.

HELLO, EVERYBODY. HELLO, MRS. BERGEN.

HELLO, PETE.

HELLO, MOM. HELLO, PETE.

GOODBYE, BERG.

MRS. BERGEN,

I JUST WANT TO REMIND YOU HOW FOND I AM OF YOUR SON.

MY INTENTIONS ARE GOOD AS ARE MY PROSPECTS

FOR A FULL INTEGRATION INTO SOCIETY.

HI THERE. WE NEED TO TALK.

BERG...

SO, ANYWAY, THERE'S A WHOLE SEA FULL OF FISH OUT THERE,

SO BUCK UP.

OH, BOY. YOU TWO AREN'T FIGHTING OVER ME, ARE YOU?

NO.

YEAH. YOU JERK.

ANYWAY, IRENE, UM, LOOK,

MY MOM SEEMS A LITTLE BIT LONELY OVER THERE.

COULD YOU GO KEEP HER COMPANY?

OH, SHE MISSES ME.

PETE, UM...

YOU KNOW, I NEVER REALLY BELIEVED

THAT MEN LOOK FOR WOMEN WHO REMIND THEM OF THEIR MOTHERS,

BUT, WELL, HELLO,

IT'S LIKE LOOKING IN A MIRROR.

HEY, JOHNNY.

OH, JEEZ.

JOHNNY!

LOOK, COULD SOMEBODY...

COULD YOU PLEASE TELL ME WHY PETE IS AVOIDING ME?

OH...

HE PROBABLY DOESN'T WANT YOU TO KNOW HE'S WEARING MAKEUP.

SO THAT'S WHY HIS EYES AREN'T SO PUFFY.

YES...

AND THAT'S WHY HIS GOATEE GREW IN OVERNIGHT.

HEY, LET ME BUTCH UP THOSE EYEBROWS FOR YOU.

HEY, SHARON.

HEY.

THAT SCARF.

YEAH. BOY, IT'S UGLY.

WELL, IT LOOKS LIKE THE PARTY IS OVER.

COME ON, SWEETIE, LET'S GO.

NO, JOHNNY, WAIT.

ASH, WHERE DID YOU GET THAT SCARF?

JOHNNY GAVE IT TO ME.

WHAT?

HE GAVE IT TO ME AS A THANK YOU

FOR THE STOCK TIP I GAVE TO YOU.

HE GAVE YOU AN EXPENSIVE SCARF

FOR A STOCK TIP THAT MADE HIM 20 BUCKS?

YEAH, I KNOW. THAT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE ME.

20 BUCKS?

JOHNNY, I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU MADE $90,000.

WHAT?

OH, GOOD NEWS, HONEY. WE'RE RICH.

HEY, JOHNNY... SPEAK YOUR TRUTH, MAN.

ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

OH, PERFECT, PERFECT.

LET'S AVOID SUSPICION BY HANGING OUT IN MY ROOM.

PETE, YOU NEED TO RELAX.

RELAX? HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO RELAX?

ALL RIGHT, I'LL KISS, BUT I WILL NOT RELAX!

DON'T TOY WITH ME.

IS THIS SOME KIND OF CRUEL JOKE?

DO WE REALLY HAVE $90,000?

IT'S NOT $90,000.

IT'S BARELY $89,432.

SO IT'S... IT'S TRUE. WE'RE RICH?

YEAH.

WE'RE RICH.

MY MOM WAS WRONG ABOUT YOU.

STOP RIGHT THERE! HOLD IT, HOLD IT!

I KNOW WHY YOU'RE AVOIDING ME.

YOU DO?

YES, I DO, AND YOU'RE NOT GOING ANYWHERE

UNTIL WE CLEAR THE AIR RIGHT HERE.

WHY IS EVERYONE STARING AT ME?

DID I MISS SOMETHING?

NOT THE BIG FINISH.

MOM, WHAT'S THAT?

WHAT'S WHAT?

WIPE YOUR FACE, WIPE YOUR FACE!

ARE THOSE... ARE THOSE SMUDGE MARKS?

MICHAEL, I NEVER TOLD YOU THIS BEFORE,

BUT I'M VERY HAIRY,

AND I HAVEN'T HAD A MOMENT TO BLEACH.

SHARON TOLD ME ABOUT THE EYEBROW PENCIL.

I AM HARDLY THE ISSUE RIGHT NOW.

YOUR GOATEE RUBBED OFF

AND MADE A PERFECT LITTLE GOATEE ON MY MOTHER.

I MEAN, THAT'S... THAT'S JUST...

WHY WAS YOUR FACE RUBBING MY MOTHER'S, PETE?

ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT! IF YOU JUST LET ME EXPLAIN.

I CAN'T EXPLAIN.

I KNEW YOU HAD TROUBLE GETTING WOMEN,

BUT TO STOOP DOWN TO MY MOTHER.

STOOP? HAVE YOU SEEN YOUR MOTHER?

OKAY, LOOK, YOU CAN'T FAULT PETE

FOR KEEPING HIS ROMANCE A SECRET

WHEN IT TOOK YOU UNTIL TODAY

TO TELL HIM ABOUT OUR AFFAIR.

WH-WHAT AFFAIR?

BERG, YOU DIDN'T TALK TO HIM, DID YOU?

COULD WE PLEASE TALK ABOUT THIS

WHEN MY LIFE ISN'T FALLING APART?

OKAY. PETE, BERG AND I ARE LOVERS 48 TIMES OVER.

ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT?

IF THE TWO OF YOU ARE SLEEPING TOGETHER,

I THINK WE'D ALL KNOW ABOUT IT.

Sharon: I KNEW.

I KNEW.

I KNEW.

EVEN I KNEW.

I CAN'T... YOU LIED TO ME? WE'RE BEST FRIENDS, BERG.

DOESN'T THAT MEAN ANYTHING TO YOU?

YOUR BEARD IS ON MY MOTHER!

ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT. I'M OUT OF HERE.

MICHAEL... I DON'T WANT TO TALK TO YOU.

I KNOW YOU'RE MAD.

NO, I'M NOT MAD. I'M HUMILIATED.

HOW COULD YOU DO THAT,

AND WOULD YOU PLEASE WIPE OFF

THE REST OF THAT MUSTACHE?

I WAS LONELY. PETE WAS, TOO.

IT WAS TWO PEOPLE FINDING EACH OTHER.

NOW, I WOULD UNDERSTAND YOUR BEING UPSET

IF IT WAS PURELY SEXUAL...

MM-HMM, I'M LISTENING. MM-HMM.

WHAT IS SO AWFUL ABOUT ME BEING HAPPY?

THERE'S NOTHING AWFUL ABOUT YOU BEING HAPPY.

IT'S YOU BEING HAPPY WITH MY BEST FRIEND.

DID IT EVER OCCUR TO EITHER ONE OF YOU

HOW THIS WOULD MAKE ME FEEL?

YES, HONEY. THAT'S WHY WE KEPT IT A SECRET.

YOU KEPT IT A SECRET

BECAUSE YOU KNEW IT WAS WRONG.

I'M SORRY IF I HURT YOU,

BUT I'M NOT GOING TO APOLOGIZE

FOR WHAT HAPPENED BETWEEN PETE AND ME.

THEN I GUESS THERE'S NOTHING LEFT TO SAY.

I WANT YOU TO KNOW

THAT I HAD MY TOES DONE FOR THIS PARTY.

SO I GUESS I SHOULD'VE TOLD YOU

THE PENCIL WASN'T SMUDGE-PROOF.

YOU THINK?

WHAT HAVE I DONE?

I HAVE NEVER SEEN BERG THIS MAD.

HEY, HE'LL CALM DOWN, YOU KNOW?

HE'S BEEN THROUGH A BIG SHOCK.

I TELL YOU,

I'M NEVER KEEPING A SECRET FROM A FRIEND AGAIN.

YOU KNOW,

NO MATTER HOW PAINFUL THE TRUTH MIGHT BE,

IT'S ALWAYS MORE PAINFUL

KEEPING THE TRUTH FROM SOMEONE YOU LOVE.

YEAH, I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT.

YEAH, BUDDY.

I BURNED DOWN YOUR HOUSE.

AND, UH... AND, UH...

CAN YOU SEE THE STRUGGLE?

UH-HUH, YES. STAY THERE.

IT'S GOOD. I'M MILKING, OKAY?