Original subtitles

HEY, JOHNNY. UH-HUH?

DID YOU KNOW THAT, CONTRARY TO POPULAR BELIEF,

THE SMELL OF SMOKE MAY NOT ACTUALLY WAKE YOU?

THAT'S WHY WE HAVE SMOKE DETECTORS.

BECAUSE SMOKE DETECTORS, JOHNNY, WHAT DO THEY DO?

THEY SAVE LIVES.

THEY SAVE LIVES!

SEE, THE SMOKE AND THE POISONOUS GASES

CAN ACTUALLY NUMB THE SENSES,

LULLING YOU INTO A DEEPER SLEEP.

KIND OF LIKE THIS CONVERSATION.

THAT'S SHARON.

I WANT HER TO SEE THIS ROOM PERFECT.

GET RID OF THE BOXES.

Aah!

HALLELUJAH!

I THOUGHT THIS DAY WOULD NEVER COME.

IT'S FINISHED, AND IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

YEAH, I KNOW.

ALL THESE FIXTURES... THEY'RE ALL ANTIQUES,

ALL EXTREMELY RARE,

EXCEPT FOR THIS ONE, WHICH I GOT AT TARGET.

I, UM, I, UH, INSTALLED THE SMOKE DETECTORS.

WHATEVER.

GOD, I LOVE THIS PLACE. IT ONLY TOOK SIX MONTHS.

AND 80 FIGHTS.

IT'S GREAT! LOOK AT IT!

YOU WANT TO ENTERTAIN, YOU USE THIS ROOM.

YOU WANT TO HANG OUT WITH JUNKIES AND PEE ON THE FLOOR,

YOU USE THIS ROOM.

WHEN ARE WE GONNA GET STARTED ON THE REST?

FUNNY STORY ABOUT THE SITTING ROOM.

IT TOOK UP A LITTLE MORE OF OUR SAVINGS

THAN I THOUGHT IT WOULD.

OH... OKAY. HOW MUCH MORE?

ALL OF IT MORE.

W-WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

THAT WE HAVE NO MONEY? THAT WE'RE BROKE?

BUT IT'S FULL OF LOVE.

JOHNNY!

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

FOR THOSE OF YOU KEEPING SCORE, 81 FIGHTS.

JEEZ, THIS HOUSE HAS BEEN NOTHING BUT TROUBLE.

NO, SWEETIE, LISTEN, DON'T WORRY.

I GOT US INTO THIS MESS. I WILL GET US OUT OF IT.

I SWEAR TO GOD. I'LL DO WHATEVER IT TAKES.

I'M SURE IT'S GONNA BE ALL RIGHT, GUYS.

HERE YOU GO.

WHAT'S THAT?

THAT'S A BILL FOR THE SMOKE DETECTORS.

HEY, LOOK WHO'S HERE.

HEY, MRS. BERGEN!

PETE, YOU LOOK GREAT.

YEAH, I KNOW.

IT'S TWO MONTHS SINCE HALLOWEEN.

YOU CAN TAKE OFF YOUR COSTUME NOW.

OH, NO. I'M A FIREMAN NOW.

BUT YOU'RE NOT WORKING.

NO.

IT'S A GOOD THING YOU'RE NOT A CLOWN.

YOU TWO SHOULD GO ON THE ROAD.

I'LL JUST GET MY OWN BAGS.

MOM, PLEASE, LIFT WITH YOUR KNEES.

WOW! WOW, YOUR MOM LOOKS...

HORRIBLE, I KNOW.

THE DIVORCE HAS BEEN REALLY HARD ON HER,

SO I JUST WANTED TO SHOW HER A GOOD TIME.

IT'S GONNA BORE ME INTO A COMA,

BUT I'M GONNA TAKE HER TO THE MUSEUMS...

AND THEN YOU HAVE TO GO TO CAFE MAURICE

AND TRY THE CRèME BRûLéE.

BECAUSE THAT'S WHERE ALL US FIREMEN GET OUR...

PASTRIES.

BYE, MS. BERGEN.

SO, WHAT'S ON THE AGENDA TONIGHT?

WELL, I THOUGHT WE'D CHECK OUT THE FINE ARTS MUSEUM.

APPARENTLY THERE'S A DISPLAY OF...

FINE ART.

YAWN.

WHAT? THAT'S THE SORT OF STUFF YOU AND DAD USED TO DO.

MICHAEL, IT'S TIME YOU KNEW. YOUR DAD'S A GEEK.

OKAY.

WELL, WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO DO?

LET'S GET DRUNK.

I'M SORRY.

WHEN DID YOU START DRINKING?

ABOUT 10:00 THIS MORNING.

OKAY, THAT'S CUTE WHEN I DO IT, BUT...

ALL RIGHT, FINE.

WE'LL GO HAVE ONE DRINK,

AND THEN WE'LL GO CHECK OUT THE ICE SCULPTURES.

YEAH, OR WE COULD GET AN ICICLE AND JAM IT IN MY EYE.

THERE'S MY BABY BOY.

AND THERE'S THE LADY WHO WAS DANCING TO "FEVER"

ON TOP OF THE BAR LAST NIGHT.

TILL YOU PULLED ME OFF, PARTY POOPER.

YOU START WEARING SLACKS,

YOU CAN DANCE IN ANY BAR YOU WANT.

MRS. BERGEN?

ASHLEY.

HEY, MAN, YOUR NEW CHICK IS HOT.

SHE IS MY MOTHER.

SHE IS NOT HOT.

SHE IS WARM AND SNUGGLY.

BUT SHE'S LIKE A 9.

WATCH WHAT YOU SAY AROUND HER.

THEY JUST GOT DIVORCED.

OH... SO SHE'S, LIKE, AVAILABLE, HUH?

SO, ARE YOU READY TO GO TO DINNER?

AW, YOU KNOW WHAT? I CAN'T.

I'M NOT GETTING TO LEAVE UNTIL 10:00.

I'M SORRY.

WHY DON'T WE HAVE DINNER? OKAY.

ABSOLUTELY NOT. HI. UH, NO.

SEE, MY MOTHER AND MY EX-GIRLFRIEND

ARE NOT GOING OUT.

WHY?

I DON'T KNOW. IT'S CREEPY.

IF YOU'RE GONNA TALK ME UP,

AT LEAST INTRODUCE ME.

OH, I CANNOT BELIEVE MY MOTHER'S STAYING OUT ALL HOURS.

WHAT THE HELL'S GOTTEN INTO HER?

I'VE SEEN THIS BEFORE. SHE'S IN HER TERRIBLE 40s.

Woman: UNIT 12, WHAT'S YOUR 20?

TALKING TO LONELY TRUCKERS AGAIN?

NO.

I WANT TO GO TO WHERE THE FIRES ARE.

GAIN EXPERIENCE UP CLOSE.

I'LL SHOVE YOUR HEAD IN THE OVEN.

YOU KEEP YOUR EYES OPEN.

THAT'S A GOOD ONE.

MY PARENTS ARE STILL MARRIED.

WHAT TIME IS IT?

Sharon: OH... FIVE AFTER 11:00.

I TOLD HER 10:30.

HI, MIKE.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS?

I MUST HAVE FORGOTTEN TO WIND MY WATCH.

OH, THE UNWOUND-WATCH TRICK.

YOU GOT THAT FROM ME!

THESE TWO GENTLEMEN WERE KIND ENOUGH TO WALK US HOME.

THIS IS MARCEL, AND THIS IS STANLEY.

SO MAYBE WE'LL SEE YOU GUYS AGAIN TOMORROW NIGHT.

IT WAS NICE TO MEET YOU, MARCEL.

GREAT. UM, SO... THIS IS GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT, STANLEY.

GOOD NIGHT, MICHAEL.

GOOD NIGHT, STANLEY.

COULD WE HAVE A MOMENT, PLEASE?

ABSOLUTELY.

MOM, I THINK THE MEN NEED TO TALK.

SO... STANLEY...

WHAT DO YOU DO FOR A LIVING?

I TEACH HIGH SCHOOL ENGLISH.

THAT'S VERY RESPECTABLE. WHERE DO YOU LIVE?

OVER IN NEWBURY.

OOH, THAT'S A HIP NEIGHBORHOOD.

YOU MUST BE THE COOL TEACHER.

WHAT DO YOU DRIVE?

I HAVE A MINIVAN.

ALSO KNOWN AS A SHAGGIN' WAGON.

I DON'T THINK SO, STANLEY.

YOU JUST PEDDLE YOUR FILTH SOMEPLACE ELSE.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

HE WAS A NICE GUY. THAT WAS JUST RUDE.

HE'S ALWAYS RUDE.

I DON'T THINK YOU RAISED HIM RIGHT.

WE HAD A WONDERFUL EVENING UNTIL I BROKE CURFEW.

OKAY, MOM, I'M ONLY GONNA SAY THIS ONCE.

I DON'T LIKE YOUR NEW FRIENDS.

THAT ASHLEY GIRL... NOTHING BUT TROUBLE.

MICHAEL, LIGHTEN UP.

I'M GOING TO SPEND TIME WITH WHOEVER I WANT.

I THINK I'VE HEARD ENOUGH. WE'LL TALK ABOUT THIS TOMORROW.

GO TO MY ROOM.

GOOD NIGHT, KIDS.

GOOD NIGHT. GOOD NIGHT.

I CANNOT HANDLE HER ANYMORE. SHE'S OUT OF CONTROL.

OH, BERG...

SHE'S JUST TRYING TO HAVE A LITTLE FUN.

YOU KNOW WHAT FUN LEADS TO.

LAUGHTER. HAPPY MEMORIES.

SHUT UP.

WE HAVE A 12-11 IN PROGRESS.

ALL UNITS IN THE VICINITY OF PAUL REVERE HIGH SCHOOL.

FIRE! WHO WANTS TO GO?

REPEAT. 2-ALARM FIRE AT 106 DEVON ROAD.

106 DEVON... OH, MY GOD! OH, MY GOD! THAT'S MY HOUSE!

WHAT? I LEFT MY DRILL THERE!

HEY!

YOU GOT TO STAY ON THE OTHER SIDE.

OH, NO, NO, NO. IT'S OKAY.

DUNVILLE WITH THE 54th. STAND DOWN.

HEY! HOW COOL WAS THAT?

IT'S LIKE HAVING A BACKSTAGE PASS TO FIRES.

SORRY I'M NOT EXCITED,

BUT MY HOUSE JUST BURNED TO THE GROUND.

YEAH, BUT MOST PEOPLE HAVE TO WATCH FROM THE CURB.

SHARON!

SORRY, SIR... NO, NO, NO.

IT'S COOL. Come on!

I GOT YOUR MESSAGE. ARE YOU OKAY?

OH, MY GOD!

IT'S GONE.

IT IS COMPLETELY GONE.

OH, HONEY...

HEY, JOHNNY, I'M REALLY SORRY, MAN.

THANKS.

LISTEN, WHY DON'T I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE

FOR A LITTLE WHILE?

HEY! DUNVILLE WITH THE 54th.

WHEN ARE WE GONNA PLAY YOU GUYS IN SOFTBALL?

JEEZ... LOOK AT THE SITTING ROOM.

YOU DIDN'T EVEN GET TO SIT IN IT.

YEAH.

OH, BABY...

ALL YOUR HARD WORK AND DREAMS FOR US...

IT'S OKAY. YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE BRAVE FOR ME.

JUST GO ON. LET IT OUT. JUST LET IT OUT.

THIS IS SO GREAT!

UH... UH... W-W-WHAT?

OH, HONEY, WE WERE SO SCREWED.

I SANK EVERY PENNY WE HAD INTO THIS PLACE.

THE MORE I SPENT, THE MORE IT JUST KEPT SUCKING ME IN,

THIS WAS THE BIGGEST MISTAKE I EVER MADE, AND NOW IT'S GONE!

WE'RE FULLY INSURED. WE GET ALL OF OUR MONEY BACK.

W-WE GET ALL OUR MONEY BACK?!

GOD BLESS THE FIRE THAT RAVAGED THIS HOME!

LET'S CELEBRATE. OKAY.

HOW ABOUT BARBECUE?

BARBECUE!

OH, HEY. DUNVILLE WITH THE 54th.

O'HANLEY, FIRE INSPECTOR.

ANY IDEA WHAT CAUSED HER TO GO UP?

I'LL KNOW BETTER IN THE LIGHT OF DAY.

NO ONE WAS LIVING HERE

SO THAT RULES OUT THINGS LIKE IRONS, CANDLES,

AND SO FORTH.

IT COULD BE ELECTRICAL.

I WOULDN'T RULE OUT ARSON.

REALLY? W-WHO WOULD WANT TO DO THAT?

YOU'D BE SURPRISED.

IT'S A SICK WORLD OUT THERE.

HEY.

YOU MIND? WE JUST SUFFERED A GREAT LOSS.

I'M GONNA GET RIGHT TO THE POINT.

I KNOW YOU BURNED YOUR HOUSE DOWN.

YOU'RE SITTING ON A FIG NEWTON.

LAUGH IT UP, FIRE BUG.

YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS. I AM.

ARSON IS THE FIFTH LEADING CAUSE OF DEATH IN THIS COUNTRY.

OR IT'S HEART DISEASE. I CAN'T REMEMBER.

IT WAS A QUICK READ.

I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH THAT FIRE.

I WAS AT MY MOTHER'S.

YOUR MOTHER'S... WHAT WERE YOU DOING THERE?

DRINKING AT YOUR MOTHER'S HOUSE?

SHE'S HARD TO TAKE.

SO, IF I WAS TO CALL HER RIGHT NOW,

SHE'D BACK UP YOUR STORY?

WHO? YOUR MOM.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH MY MOM'S PHONE NUMBER?

CUT THE CRAP, ALL RIGHT?

'CAUSE THERE'S GONNA BE AN INVESTIGATION

AND THEY'LL GO EASIER ON YOU IF YOU JUST COME CLEAN.

PETE, HE SAID HE DIDN'T DO IT.

WITH YOU BUSTING HIS HUMP 24 HOURS A DAY...

"JOHNNY, WHY DID YOU BUY THAT DUMP?"

"JOHNNY, WE HAVE NO MONEY."

"BABY, BABY, BABY, WE LIVE IN A BASEMENT."

OH, MY GOD, HE DID DO IT.

I DIDN'T!

YOU HAVE TO HELP HIM.

EVEN IF I WANTED TO, I CAN'T

UNLESS I KNOW HOW HE DID IT.

I DIDN'T DO IT.

PETE, YOU HAVE BEEN MY FRIEND

LONG BEFORE YOU WERE A FIREMAN.

PLEASE, HELP US.

ALL RIGHT. ALL RIGHT, ALL RIGHT.

I'LL GO OVER THERE,

AND I'LL CLEAN UP YOUR MESS.

BUT I'M DOING IT FOR HER, NOT FOR YOU.

YOU BELIEVE ME, DON'T YOU?

OH, BABY...

I'LL WAIT FOR YOU.

HEY, BERG.

THERE YOU ARE.

I HEARD ABOUT SHARON AND JOHNNY'S HOUSE. HOW ARE THEY?

HOW ARE THEY?

OKAY, THEIR HOUSE BURNED DOWN. I'LL GIVE THEM THAT.

BUT WHILE THAT WAS HAPPENING,

YOU WERE GALLIVANTING AROUND TOWN WITH MY MOTHER.

SO, THE QUESTION IS "HOW IS BERG?"

AND HE'S NOT DOING TOO GOOD.

BERG, WE HAD A GREAT TIME. WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?

I DON'T WANT YOU HANGING OUT WITH MY MOTHER ANYMORE.

I'M GLAD YOU SAID THIS.

IT'LL GIVE US SOMETHING TO LAUGH ABOUT

LOOK, LOOK, I AM SERIOUS.

I DON'T WANT YOU TAKING HER PLACES.

I DON'T WANT HER MEETING MEN,

ESPECIALLY THE TYPE OF FREAKS YOU GO OUT WITH.

BERG, YOUR MOTHER'S AN ADULT.

MAYBE YOU SHOULD START ACTING LIKE ONE, TOO.

I AM AN ADULT.

AND AS AN ADULT, I'M GOING TO SAY THIS ONCE

SO I'LL MAKE MYSELF PERFECTLY CLEAR.

I'M HER LITTLE BOY. SHE'S MY MOMMY.

THAT'S THE WAY WE'RE GONNA KEEP IT.

AAH!

OH, GOOD, INSPECTOR, IT'S YOU.

AND I THOUGHT THAT MAYBE IT WAS, YOU KNOW...

LOOTERS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE, DUNVILLE?

OH, I'M JUST LOOKING AROUND.

I'M ALWAYS HUMBLED BY FIRE.

HOW SHE CAN BE SO HELPFUL YET SO HURTFUL.

WELL SAID.

SO, UM, DID YOU FIGURE OUT WHAT STARTED IT?

YES, I DID.

REALLY? WHAT?

I'LL SHOW YOU.

SOMEONE PUT SOME FLAMMABLE MATERIAL...

PAPER, CARDBOARD, AND SO FORTH...

WHEN IT KICKED ON, HOT TIME IN OLD TOWN.

"HOT TIME IN OLD TOWN."

THAT'S VERY POETIC, SIR.

I DON'T SHOW THAT SIDE OFTEN.

W-WAIT A MINUTE. I'M CONFUSED.

WHAT'S THE FURNACE DOING THERE?

SHOULDN'T IT BE IN THE BASEMENT?

NO. IT WAS RIGHT HERE.

THERE WAS A WALL,

AND THEY PUT IT RIGHT BEHIND A LITTLE DOOR.

O-O-OH!

OH.

OH, SO, UH, SO THAT CARDBOARD...

THAT COULD HAVE BEEN

LIKE A SHOE BOX OR A CEREAL BOX OR...

YOU KNOW, A SMOKE DETECTOR BOX?

GOOD WORK, DUNVILLE.

ALL FINE EXAMPLES OF CARDBOARD.

SO, UH... ANY IDEA WHO DID IT?

WELL, THERE'S NOT ENOUGH EVIDENCE

TO PIN IT ON ANYONE.

OH, SO CASE CLOSED, RIGHT? NO CLUES. CASE CLOSED.

YEAH, BUT IF I HAD TO GUESS,

IT WAS EITHER AN EXTREMELY CLEVER ARSONIST

OR SOMEONE WHO KNOWS NOTHING ABOUT FIRE PREVENTION.

WELL, THEN, I GUESS THAT RULES OUT YOU AND ME, HUH?

THIS IS GONNA BE GREAT.

YOU AND ME ON A SATURDAY NIGHT. HOW DOES CHECKERS SOUND?

MICHAEL, I'M GOING OUT. I WISH YOU'D COME WITH US.

US?

ASHLEY AND I ARE MEETING SOME FRIENDS.

WHAT EXACTLY DO YOU THINK YOU'RE DOING?

I'M BEING A WOMAN.

WELL, STOP.

MICHAEL, LISTEN TO ME.

JUST BECAUSE YOUR FATHER LEFT TO FIND A NEW LIFE

DOESN'T MEAN MY LIFE HAS TO END.

APPARENTLY, I'M STILL HOT.

YEAH, BUT YOU WERE HOT WITH DAD

AND THERE WAS, LIKE, ORDER,

INTO SOME WILD WOMAN ON THE TOWN...

WHO I WORRY ABOUT.

I GUESS WHAT I'M TRYING TO SAY IS I DON'T KNOW WHO...

I DON'T KNOW WHO TO BE WITH YOU.

OKAY.

HOW ABOUT WE STAY HOME,

AND I MAKE YOU DINNER INSTEAD?

NO, NO, NO. I'M FINE.

REALLY. GO HAVE FUN.

MAC AND CHEESE, YOUR FAVORITE.

THE KIND WITH WAGON WHEELS?

YOU GO PUT ON YOUR JAMMIES, AND I'LL GET STARTED.

OKAY.

YOU GO AHEAD. I'LL MEET YOU THERE.

HE ALWAYS FALLS ASLEEP RIGHT AFTER MAC AND CHEESE.

HEY, JOHNNY. HEY.

SO THERE'S NO NEED TO THANK ME.

WHAT FAVOR? I DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.

TALK ABOUT UNGRATEFUL.

OKAY, YOU WANT TO KNOW WHERE I WAS THAT NIGHT?

MAKE A LITTLE EXTRA CASH, PAY OFF MY CREDIT CARDS.

WHY DIDN'T YOU JUST TELL SHARON THAT?

BECAUSE I'VE GOT MY PRIDE.

I GOT US INTO THIS MESS. I WANTED TO GET US OUT.

YOU WANT TO LOOK LIKE A HERO IN YOUR WIFE'S EYES.

YEAH, WELL, YOU CAN START

BY NOT SOUNDING LIKE SUCH A SISSY.

A REAL MAN WOULD IGNORE THAT COMMENT

LISTEN, DON'T TELL SHARON I DIDN'T DO IT.

SHE'S BEEN SO GOOD SINCE SHE PUSHED ME

INTO A LIFE OF CRIME.

IT'S SO SWEET HOW YOU GUYS DON'T TELL EACH OTHER ANYTHING.

HOW DID THE FIRE START ANYWAY?

THE TRUTH?

YEAH.

IT WAS YOUR LIGHT FIXTURE.

YEAH.

NO WAY.

IT HAPPENS ALL THE TIME. DON'T FEEL BAD.

AND NEXT THING YOU KNOW...

HOT TIME IN OLD TOWN.

THAT'S VERY POETIC.

THANKS.

I DON'T SHOW THAT SIDE OFTEN.

I CANNOT BELIEVE MY MOM... STAYING OUT ALL HOURS.

I'M OKAY!

WHAT TIME IS IT?

MMM!

I'LL TELL YOU.

IT'S FIVE AFTER 11:00, RIGHT?

RIGHT.

THERE'S A BEAUTIFUL DISPLAY OF...

F-FINE ART.

YAWN.

W-W-WHAT?

I TH-THOUGHT THAT YOU AND DAD ALWAYS D-D-DID...

THAT'S ALL FOLKS.

Director: ACTION!

TAKE YOUR OWN CUE.

I WILL AS SOON AS I SWALLOW.

IF I ONLY HAD A NICKEL...