Original subtitles

PETE! WHAT?

MOVE OVER!

OKAY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY BED?!

JOGGING!

Y-YOU CAN'T SLEEP HERE, BERG.

PEOPLE TALK AS IT IS.

SOMETHING FROM ASHLEY'S APARTMENT IS LEAKING ON MY BED.

I HAVEN'T SLEPT IN 48 HOURS,

AND I HAVE TO BE BACK AT THE HOSPITAL IN THE MORNING.

THE COUCH IS CLOSER TO THE HOSPITAL.

WHY DON'T YOU GO SLEEP THERE?

I CAN'T, OKAY?

LAST WEEK, I SPILLED MILK ON THE COUCH,

AND FOR SOME REASON, NOW IT SMELLS.

SO GO SLEEP ON THE FLOOR.

I CAN'T!

FOR SOME REASON,

THERE'S A LINE OF ANTS HEADING TOWARDS THE COUCH!

FINE.

YOU CAN SLEEP HERE.

GOOD.

IF YOU DON'T MIND,

I'M JUST GONNA READ A LITTLE BIT.

OH, THE TV WON'T BOTHER YOU, WILL IT?

AND NOW... THE SINGING FISH.

♪ I WANT TO KNOW ♪

♪ CAN YOU HELP ME? ♪

♪ HOW I LOVE TO STAY... ♪

THAT'S THE LAST TIME I BUY YOU A GIFT

OUT OF THE AIRPLANE CATALOGUE!

YOU CAN'T FOOL ME. I KNOW IT'S YOU!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M GONNA PAINT MY DOOR.

ACCORDING TO FENG SHUI, A BLUE DOOR SAYS "WELCOME"!

NOW GO HOME!

HEY, IRENE, I'M NOT HERE FOR WHAT YOU THINK.

I JUST REALLY NEED A PLACE TO SLEEP.

OH, AND YOU THOUGHT, "WHY NOT ON TOP OF IRENE?"

LOOK, I TOLD YOU, I'M NOT READY TO COMMIT TO YOU.

BESIDES, MY HANDS ARE FULL.

FRANKLY, SOME OF THE CATS ARE REALLY VERY HIGH

FROM THE PAINT!

LOOK, IRENE, SOMETHING FROM ASHLEY'S APARTMENT

IS LEAKING ON MY BED.

I JUST NEED A PLACE TO SLEEP, THAT'S ALL.

GO TELL HER TO FIX THE LEAK.

SHE'S AT THE HOSPITAL.

ALL RIGHT, THEN, JUST GO SLEEP IN HER ROOM.

HERE'S HER KEY.

PLEASE TELL ME JOHNNY LOANED YOU HIS KEY.

ONCE. THAT'S WHEN I HAD THESE MADE.

HEY, BABY, WHERE YOU BEEN?

NOT NOW, SWEETHEART. I GOTTA CALL THE ROOFER GUY.

THREE HOURS I WAITED FOR HIM, AND HE NEVER SHOWED UP!

OH, GOD, THAT REMINDS ME...

THE ROOFER GUY CALLED, AND HE CAN'T SHOW UP.

WHY DIDN'T YOU CALL ME?!

I WAS ABOUT TO, BUT THE PHONE BROKE.

WHAT HAPPENED TO IT?

I DON'T KNOW! WHAT ARE YOU ASKING ME FOR?!

THINGS FALL ONTO OTHER THINGS!

THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL'S BROKEN, TOO.

WHAT A DAY I AM HAVING! EVERYTHING IS GOING WRONG!

FIRST OF ALL, THERE WAS... WHY IS THIS BEER WARM,

AND COME THE LITTLE LIGHT'S NOT COMING ON?!

OH.

I THOUGHT I UNPLUGGED THE DISPOSAL.

GOD, BABY, YOU'RE SO TENSE.

HERE.

OHH, OH, GOD, THAT FEELS SO GOOD.

SEE?

TOMORROW'S GONNA BE A BETTER DAY.

LOWER.

TOMORROW'S GONNA BE A BETTER DAY.

MAYBE I COULD TAKE YOUR MIND OFF THINGS.

OH, YEAH?

WHAT EXACTLY DID YOU HAVE IN MIND?

I WENT TO THE STORE TODAY.

DID YOU GET CANDLES?

OH, YEAH.

DID YOU GET MASSAGE OIL? OH, YEAH!

DID YOU GET PROTECTION?

GOD, I REALLY GOTTA START MAKING UP A LIST!

BUT I GOT MY HOPES UP AND EVERYTHING!

WELL, BABY, JUST GO OUT AND BUY SOME MORE.

IT'S FREEZING OUTSIDE, AND BELIEVE ME,

COLD IS NOT GONNA HELP US IN THE LONG RUN.

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY, THEN, UM,

THEN GO GET SOME FROM PETE AND BERG.

EW!

THEN I'LL GO ASK.

I'M NOT GONNA HAVE THEM SITTING UP THERE

KNOWING THEIR PROTECTION'S GETTING LUCKY WITH MY WIFE.

WELL, THEN, YOU'D BETTER GO TAKE A COLD... BATH.

THE SHOWER HEAD BROKE OFF.

OH, GROSS!

OHH... I SHOULD HAVE ASKED FOR THESE BACK

WHEN WE BROKE UP.

I AM THE TOILET KING.

STUPID ASHLEY!

MY CARPET!

MY MAGAZINES!

YEAH?

HEY, DOROTHY. BUILDING A TORNADO SHELTER?

DO YOU KNOW WHERE JOHNNY IS? HE'S NOT ANSWERING HIS PHONE.

WELL, IT'S THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT.

HE'S PROBABLY ASLEEP, LIKE MOST NORMAL PEOPLE!

AH... SO YOU'VE BEEN WATCHING US. GOOD.

LISTEN, SINCE YOU'RE AWAKE AND YOUR BED IS EMPTY,

DO YOU THINK I COULD CRASH HERE TONIGHT?

I TOLD YOU, I AM NO LONGER INTERESTED IN YOU.

THAT'S WHY IT'S EASY TO ASK.

OH, OH, I UNDERSTAND PERFECTLY.

YOU DON'T GET THIRSTY UNTIL THE WELL RUNS DRY.

TAKE AWAY YOUR CANDY, SUDDENLY YOU HAVE A SWEET TOOTH.

COULD YOU USE EARTH WORDS, PLEASE?

YOU WANT ME.

OKAY, YEAH, YOU'RE RIGHT, IRENE.

ALL THESE YEARS OF SNUBBING YOU HAVE BEEN AN ELABORATE RUSE

TO GET YOU IN BED TONIGHT.

WOW, THIS IS BORDERING ON OBSESSION.

DON'T MAKE ME GET A RESTRAINING ORDER.

YOU CAN HAVE MINE! JUST REVERSE THE NAMES!

I'LL BE OFF IN A SECOND.

I JUST HAVE TO CHECK MY MESSAGES.

I WENT OUT WITH THIS TERRIFIC GUY THE OTHER NIGHT.

HE'S REALLY RICH, NOT THAT THAT MATTERS.

Berg: HELLO?

W-WHO IS THIS?

WELL, YOU CALLED ME.WHO DO YOU THINK?

BERG?!

YEP.

NO!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY APARTMENT?!

I'M NOT IN YOUR APARTMENT.

WHY WOULD I BE IN YOUR APARTMENT?

Y-Y-YOU WERE THINKING OF YOUR EX-BOYFRIEND BERG,

so you accidentally dialed me instead.

I UNDERSTAND. I'M MORE ADDICTIVE THAN CRACK.

HEY, IS THAT MY MUSIC BOX?

NO.

OKAY, SO, HYPOTHETICALLY, SINCE YOU'RE IN YOUR APARTMENT,

IF I CALL YOU BACK, YOU'RE GONNA PICK UP YOUR PHONE?

NOT A CHANCE, LADY! YOU REALLY GOTTA GET OVER ME!

WHAT?! I MEAN... AAHH!

Sharon.

SHARON... NO.

CAN'T WE JUST MESS AROUND?

JOHNNY, IF YOU COULD JUST MESS AROUND,

WE WOULDN'T KEEP RUNNING OUT OF PROTECTION.

IF YOU COULD MAKE A LIST,

WE'D BE MAKING WITH THE BUMP-BUMPS RIGHT NOW.

COME ON, IT'S NOT LIKE I DON'T WANT TO,

BUT, I MEAN, WE GOTTA BE RESPONSIBLE.

IT'S NOT LIKE WE'RE TEENAGERS.

ARE YOU MAKING FUN OF MY PARENTS?

I JUST DON'T THINK IT'S WORTH THE RISK.

THE RISK IS TINY! IT'S RIDICULOUSLY TINY!

YEAH, HOW TINY?

WELL, I WORK A LOT AROUND ELECTRICAL CURRENTS.

I'M PRETTY SURE I'M STERILE.

OH, OH, THAT'S GOOD.

AS WE WALK BY PEOPLE, THEY'LL SAY,

"LOOKY, THERE GOES THE STERILE ELECTRICIAN

AND HIS PREGNANT BRIDE."

I CAN HANDLE THAT. I LOVE KIDS.

I COULD SAY I WANTED TO RAISE TIGERS RIGHT NOW,

AND YOU'D SAY YES.

SURE, WE COULD WORK THEM INTO OUR MAGIC ACT.

OKAY, YOU KNOW WHAT?

SERIOUSLY, JOHNNY, I DON'T THINK YOU'RE READY TO BE A FATHER.

WHOA, WHOA! WHAT'S THAT SUPPOSED TO MEAN?

I'M GONNA BE A GREAT DAD.

YES, YOU WILL, SOMEDAY, BUT NOT NOW.

EVERYTHING MAKES YOU ANGRY... BROKEN PHONES, WARM BEER.

I AM GOING TO BE THE MOST PATIENT

AND UNDERSTANDING FATHER A CHILD HAS EVER HAD.

GO AWAY!

HEY, THANKS, BUDDY, I, UH,

I REALLY NEED A PLACE TO CRASH.

NOT HERE!

NO, MY BED IS SOAKING WET.

THE COUCH SMELLS, AND ASHLEY'S GOT THIS...

I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE THINKS I'M OBSESSED WITH HER.

I MEAN, SHE... SHE'S THE ONE WHO'S OFF-BALANCE.

SHE'S THE ONE WHO SPENT FOUR MONTHS

IN A SPECIAL HOSPITAL.

THEY DIDN'T TAKE AWAY MY MIRRORS AND SHOELACES.

YOU DON'T SEE ME UP IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

TALKING TO MYSELF, DO YOU?

NO, YOU DO NOT.

WHY AM I NOT SURPRISED?

LOOK, JUST BECAUSE I KNOCK ON YOUR DOOR ONCE

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT

DOES NOT MEAN THAT I'M OBSESSED WITH YOU.

THIS IS THE SECOND TIME YOU'VE KNOCKED.

OH, AND THAT MAKES ME OBSESSED?

LOOK, I'M JUST THE KNOCKER. YOU'RE THE COUNTER KNOCKER

OH, PETE, THIS IS CLASSIC.

IT DOESN'T TAKE DR. FREUD TO NOTICE

YOU WORKED "KNOCKERS" INTO THE CONVERSATION.

WHAT?! WHAT?!

NO, NO, NO, IRENE, THAT IS...

YOU KNOW WHAT? THIS CONVERSATION IS OVER!

THEN WHY ARE YOU STILL STANDING HERE?

B-B-B... AH!

GAAH!

'CAUSE IT'S A FREE COUNTRY, THAT'S WHY!

AAGH!

THAT DOES IT! THAT DOES IT!

ASHLEY!

BLANKET... WHERE'S MY BLANKET?

SHUT UP, BERG!

HEY... EASY.

THE LITTLE FELLA LOST HIS BLANKET.

YOU DO KNOW THAT'S BERG, RIGHT?

I'M JUST TRYING TO SHOW A LITTLE PATIENCE

AND UNDERSTANDING.

HEY, I THINK THAT'S MY NATURAL FATHERLY INSTINCTS

KICKING IN.

OKAY, FINE.

BUT IF HE'S HUNGRY, I'M NOT BREAST-FEEDING.

HEY... HERE YOU GO.

THERE, THAT'S RIGHT, SLUGGER.

THAT'S A BLANKET.

ASHLEY!

OW!

DAMN KEY!

HELLO?

HUH.

THAT'S FUNNY, I ALWAYS THOUGHT

THERE'D BE A 3-HEADED DOG GUARDING THIS ROOM.

HUH.

COME ON, BOY! THERE'S TROUBLE AT THE WELL!

THAT'S A GOOD BOY!

STAY. STAY.

THAT'S TOILET WATER. YOU ENJOY.

MR. JEEBERS!

COME HERE, BABY!

MR. JEEBERS!

MR. JEEBERS, WHERE ARE YOU?

AAAAHHH!

WHAT'S THAT? THERE'S A SOUND.

HONEY!

WHAT?

BERG'S TALKING IN HIS SLEEP AGAIN.

THAT'S 10 TIMES TONIGHT.

AAH! DAMN IT!

DAMN IT.

SHH, BERG, IT'S OKAY, BUDDY.

IT'S ALL RIGHT.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

JUST FIXING HIS PILLOW. JUST FLUFFING HIS PILLOW.

UHH.

DO YOU HAVE SOME WATER?

WHAT?

THIRSTY.

YEAH, FINE.

4:00 IN THE MORNING... GETTING HIM A DRINK OF WATER.

NOBODY EVER GOT ME A DRINK OF WATER.

BATHROOM LIGHT IS ON. NO ONE'S IN THERE.

I'M THE TOILET KING.

Man: HEY, ASHLEY... IT'S DeVO.

I HAD A GREAT TIE THE OTHER NIGH.

GIVE ME A CAL.

MY NUMBER IS -

Electronic voice: MESSAGE ERASED.

OOPS.

ONE AND TWO AND ONE AND TWO AND...

DON'T WORRY, BABY.

OKAY, MAMA'S HERE.

ONE... TWO...

WAKE UP!

BERG, GO TO BED.

I HEARD A NOISE!

IT'S NOTHING LIKE THE NOISE YOU'RE GONNA HEAR

IF I HAVE TO GET UP.

BERG, JUST GO BACK TO SLEEP. IT WAS NOTHING.

BUT YOU GUYS, I... BUT... BUT WHAT?

DO YOU HAVE ANY JUICE?

ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT.

JOHNNY, HE ONLY ASKED FOR JUICE.

WHY DO YOU BABY HIM?

COME ON, LET'S GO.

YOU'RE GOING BACK UPSTAIRS.

I DON'T WANNA GO UPSTAIRS. I WANT SOME JUICE.

YOU CAN GET YOUR OWN JUICE UPSTAIRS.

FINE!

I WILL GET MY OWN JUICE UPSTAIRS.

AH! NO, NO, NO.

YOU'RE GOING UP TO YOUR ROOM!

GREAT, GREAT, I WANNA GO TO MY ROOM.

GOOD.

YOU'LL BE SORRY WHEN I'M DEAD!

IT'S LIKE DEALING WITH A BABY!

NOW, SWEETIE, THAT IS NOT FAIR.

YOU CANNOT COMPARE BERG TO A BABY.

BABIES HAVE POTENTIAL.

I HATE TO ADMIT IT, BUT I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT.

OF COURSE I WAS!

ABOUT WHAT THIS TIME?

ABOUT ME NOT BEING READY TO HAVE A BABY.

FROM NOW ON, WE USE PROTECTION...

TWO AT A TIME.

OKAY.

GOODNIGHT.

GOODNIGHT.

MMM... MMM...

OKAY... BASEBALL, SISTER MARGARET,

108 TIMES 5, BASEBALL...

DO ALL THE MEN IN YOUR BEDGET THAT WARNING?

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY BED?

WELL, I HAD A BIT OF PORRIDGE...

I'M SORRY, I MUST HAVE FALLEN ASLEEP.

THIS BED IS REALLY COMFORTABLE. IS THIS EGYPTIAN COTTON?

MY MUSIC BOX!

OH, YEAH. HERE.

HERE'S YOUR LITTLE TOY.

IT IS NOT A TOY! YOU BROKE PRETTY CATHY!

SO, DO YOU HAVE A LIGHTER?

I'LL MELT HER FEET RIGHT BACK ON.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

I CAME UP HERE TO FIX YOUR TOILET.

IT'S LEAKING INTO OUR APARTMENT.

AH! MY POODLE COZY!

I KNOW, I TRIED TO STOP HIM.

HE'S SO BRAVE.

AH!

WELL, GO DOWN AND TURN OFF THE WATER MAIN!

I'M NOT GOING DOWN TO THE DEPARTMENT OF WATER AND POWER

IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT!

IT'S RIGHT OUTSIDE THE BUILDING BY THE GARBAGE BINS.

I KNOW THAT!

I THOUGHT YOU MEANT TURN OFF THE WATER TO THE CITY!

PETE?

NO, NO, NO, IRENE, IT'S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE!

I'M NOT OBSESSED WITH YOU!

YOU WANT TO LOOK?! FINE!

GET IT OUT OF YOUR SYSTEM!

YOU CAN'T SLEEP HERE.

YOU CAN SLEEP THERE.