Original subtitles

THIS PICTURE IS FROM MY SENIOR YEAR.

YOU CAN TELL BECAUSE MY CATS ARE WEARING GRADUATION CAPS.

HIGH SCHOOL MUST HAVE BEEN REALLY TOUGH FOR YOU, HUH?

NOT REALLY. I WAS HOME-SCHOOLED.

CLASS PRESIDENT... HA.

WHAT ABOUT YOU, HUH?

YOU WERE PROBABLY MR. HOTTIE-BODY,

CAPTAIN OF THE FOOTBALL TEAM.

HEY, WHAT DO I LOOK LIKE, A DUMB JOCK?

NO, I WAS CAPTAIN OF THE FLAG CORPS.

YOU WERE ON DRILL TEAM?

FLAG CORPS. DRILL TEAM'S FOR GEEKS.

LISTEN, UM,

IRENE, I HOPE THIS DOESN'T SOUND TOO HOKEY,

BUT I LIKE BEING WITH YOU...

EVEN WHEN ONE OF US ISN'T ON TOP.

YEAH. I LOVE THIS "IN BETWEEN" TIME TOO.

IRENE, HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT

ABOUT TAKING WHAT WE HAVE IN HERE

AND SEEING IF IT WORKS IN FRONT OF OTHER PEOPLE?

I'M NOT HAVING A SECOND COUNT OF PUBLIC INDECENCY

ON MY RECORD.

I-I MEAN LIKE A DATE.

LET ME TAKE YOU TO CARLO'S TOMORROW NIGHT...

YOU AND ME... FOR DINNER... LIKE A REAL COUPLE.

WELL, I NEVER THOUGHT OF MYSELF AS THE KIND OF GIRL

WHO'D BE COUPLED WITH A HANDSOME DOCTOR.

OH, IT'S BRINGING UP A LOT OF ESTEEM ISSUES.

HEY.

WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?

WORKIN' ON MY RéSUMé.

HEY, SHAR, WHERE DID YOU GO TO SCHOOL?

OH, TUFTS. GO JUMBOS!

OH, YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

M.I.T.

OKAY.

ALL DONE.

I AM GONNA GO TO THE COPY STORE IN THE MORNING,

SO MEET ME AT 9:00 A.M.,

AND WE'LL START POUNDING THE PAVEMENT.

YOU'RE LETTING ASHLEY HELP YOU FIND A JOB?

YEAH, WE'RE JUST HELPING EACH OTHER OUT...

I NEED WORK, SHE NEEDS A FRIEND.

YOU REALLY NEED A JOB THAT BAD?

OH.

WHILE YOU'RE OUT TOMORROW,

I CAN TAKE YOUR CAR INTO THE SHOP.

YOU DON'T NEED TO. ASHLEY TOOK IT TO HER MECHANIC.

OH, GREAT... TWO WOMEN AND A MECHANIC?

WHAT'S THAT GONNA COST ME?

NOTHING. HE DID IT FOR FREE.

IN EXCHANGE, ASHLEY CHECKED A MOLE ON HIS BACK.

I WAS GONNA HANDLE THAT.

JOHNNY...

I DON'T THINK YOU KNOW A LOT ABOUT MOLES.

HEY.

WHAT ARE YOU ALL DRESSED UP FOR? YOU GOT A HOT DATE?

MAYBE. IT JUST SO HAPPENS THAT THE EX IS COMING OVER

TO GET A SWEATER THAT SHE CONVENIENTLY FORGOT HERE.

AND I THINK YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

ABSOLUTELY.

IT MEANS I WAS JUSTIFIED IN GIVING IT TO HER.

WHAT?

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU GAVE IT TO HER?

WELL, SHE ASKED FOR IT.

I PICKED IT UP AND WENT LIKE THIS

AND HANDED IT TO HER.

IT WAS A FAIRLY SIMPLE EXCHANGE, REALLY.

THAT'S IT? D-DID SHE SAY ANYTHING?

YEAH. SHE SAID TO TELL PETE THANKS.

SHE SAID THAT?

YEAH, WELL... NOT THE "TELL PETE" PART.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I MISSED HER!

AND BY ONLY, LIKE, FIVE SECONDS.

MARTI!

OH, SORRY, IRENE.

OH, UH-OH... HUNK STAMPEDE!

MARTI.

OH, PETE... SLOW AND STRONG!

MARTI!

SHE DIDN'T SEE ME.

PETER DUNVILLE, WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO FIND A WOMAN

WHO APPRECIATES YOU FOR THE REMARKABLE MAN THAT YOU ARE?

STOP IT.

NO. I'M SERIOUS.

A WOMAN NEEDS TO MAKE A MAN LIKE YOU FEEL SPECIAL.

IT'S BEEN SO LONG,

I THINK I'VE FORGOTTEN HOW SPECIAL I AM.

OH, CHIN UP, MY GODLIKE FRIEND.

THANKS, IRENE.

UH, PETE... I'M USUALLY NOT THIS FORWARD,

BUT SINCE YOU'RE SO DOWN AND VULNERABLE,

I'VE GOT A RESERVATION FOR TWO TONIGHT AT CARLO'S.

WOULD YOU CARE TO JOIN ME?

WHY DO YOU HAVE A RESERVATION FOR TWO?

OH WELL...

I-I FIND WHEN I MAKE IT FOR ONE,

IT SOUNDS TOO PATHETIC,

SO I MAKE IT FOR TWO,

AND THEN WHEN I GET THERE, I PRETEND I WAS STOOD UP.

WAIT, PETE!

LOOK, IRENE, IT'S JUST

I DON'T THINK I'D MAKE GOOD COMPANY TONIGHT.

YOU COULD BE BOUND AND GAGGED AND YOU'D BE GOOD COMPANY.

YOU'RE PICTURING THAT, AREN'T YOU?

COME ON, PETER, PETER, PASTA EATER.

PLEASE?

ALL RIGHT. YOU KNOW WHAT? WHAT THE HELL?

I HAVE NOTHING ELSE BETTER TO DO.

YOU SAY ALL THE RIGHT THINGS.

ALL RIGHT.

CATCH HER?

UH, NO.

STRANGELY ENOUGH, I HAVE A DATE WITH IRENE TONIGHT.

WHAT?!

I MEAN... WHAT?

YEAH. I JUST BUMPED INTO HER.

YOU CAN'T GO OUT WITH HER.

SHE THINKS I'M THE GREATEST GUY IN THE WORLD.

I COULD USE THAT NOW.

HEY, DON'T GO! DON'T... COME ON.

THIS IS ONLY GONNA END IN DISASTER.

FOR YOU, IT'S JUST ANOTHER NIGHT OUT.

FOR IRENE, THIS IS EVERYTHING SHE'S EVER HOPED FOR.

YOU'RE HER MALIBU BARBIE CAMPER, PETE.

NAH, I THINK I'M GONNA GO.

HI. I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE. I'M NOT GONNA MAKE OUR DATE.

BECAUSE YOU'RE GOING OUT WITH PETE?!

IS HE TELLING EVERYONE, TOO?!

IRENE, YOU AND I HAD A DATE TO SEE IF WE WERE A COUPLE.

YEAH, SURE, BUT I NEED TO SEE IF PETE AND I ARE A COUPLE FIRST,

SO HANG IN THERE, BUDDY.

HELLO.

HEY, BABY. WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

WELL, I CAME HOME EARLY TO SEE YOU.

AND ASHLEY...

OUR APARTMENT MASCOT.

SURPRISE.

YEAH.

IF YOU'LL EXCUSE US, ASHLEY,

I JUST CAME HOME EARLY TO TAKE MY WIFE TO DINNER.

I'M SORRY. I THOUGHT YOU WERE GONNA BE WORKING,

SO I MADE PLANS WITH ASHLEY.

WELL, I'LL JUST GET CHANGED, AND I'LL COME WITH YOU.

OOH, GOSH, SORRY.

IT'S AN IMPOSSIBLE RESTAURANT TO GET INTO.

I COULD BARELY GET RESERVATIONS FOR TWO.

WELL, LET ME GUESS...

IT'S ONE OF THOSE RESTAURANTS WHERE THE WAITERS ARE RUDE,

THE PORTIONS ARE SMALL,

AND THEY MAKE YOU WEAR LONG PANTS.

AND YOU USE THE FORKS FOR EATIN', NOT SCRATCHIN'.

OKAY!

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY.

WHY DON'T WE GO TO A PLACE WHERE WE CAN ALL EAT TOGETHER?

HUH? HUH? PLEASE?

OW.OW.

FINE. ALL RIGHT.

SO, WHERE DO YOU WANT TO GO?

OH, I DON'T CARE. YOU DECIDE.

HOW ABOUT MORTY'S? PICK AGAIN.

I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU DIDN'T CARE.

I DON'T. JUST CHOOSE A PLACE I LIKE.

OOH... PASTA VILLAGE. PICK AGAIN.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

WELL, THIS COULD TAKE A WHILE.

OH, HEY, ASHLEY. WHAT'S UP?

I AM ABOUT TO EMBARK ON THE MOST BORING EVENING OF MY LIFE.

OH, NOT ME.

I'M GOING TO CARLO'S ON A DATE WITH PETE!

AND JUST LIKE THAT, MY NIGHT GOT MORE INTERESTING.

HEY, BACHELOR NUMBER ONE.

NOW, I KNOW IT'S BAD LUCK TO SEE ME

BEFORE OUR EVENING OUT,

BUT I COULDN'T WAIT TO GIVE YOU THIS.

WHAT IS IT?

IT'S A PLAQUE COMMEMORATING OUR DATE TONIGHT.

GREAT. GREAT.

I-I'LL HAVE TO PUT THIS ON MY DATE-PLAQUE... WALL.

OH.

GREAT. OKAY. I'M OFF TO GET A CORN REMOVED.

UH...

I'M WEARING OPEN-TOED SANDALS.

WHAT YOU GOT THERE?

HUH? OH. OH, WELL...

AT FIRST GLANCE IT'S A DATE PLAQUE,

BUT SINCE THERE'S NO SUCH THING,

IT'S A PIECE OF WOOD SCREAMING, "DANGER! DANGER!"

CALM DOWN. CALM DOWN.

ALL RIGHT, I'M GONNA CANCEL FOR YOU.

AND, LISTEN, I MIGHT NEED TO COMFORT HER,

SO IT COULD TAKE UP TO SEVEN MINUTES.

NO, BERG, YOU CAN'T CANCEL. SHE'LL FLIP OUT.

IT'S THE SECOND THING THEY TEACH YOU

IN LUNATIC SCHOOL!

WHAT'S THE FIRST?

PLAQUES!

BERG, I-I DON'T WANT TO BE ALONE WITH HER.

I'M AFRAID.

ALL RIGHT, LISTEN...

YOU NEED SOMEBODY TO WATCH YOUR BACK, SO I'LL GO.

I DON'T KNOW. I DON'T KNOW.

PETE, I DON'T... I DON'T THINK THIS IS WOOD.

I THINK THIS IS BONE.

WE LEAVE IN AN HOUR. DRESS NICE.

FINE.

SO... THIS IS COZY.

YES. WHO KNEW SOMEONE WITH NO BUTT

COULD TAKE UP SO MUCH ROOM?

IRENE, BERG HAS A BUTT.

HE JUST WEARS REALLY TIGHT UNDERWEAR.

WHAT THE... HEY, GUYS.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

IRENE AND PETE ARE ON A DATE... AND BERG'S WITH THEM.

HOW INTERESTING.

WHY DON'T YOU GUYS JOIN US?

THERE'S LOTS OF ROOM. IRENE, SCOOCH OVER.

EXCUSE ME.

CAN I HAVE A POWWOW WITH THE GIRLS?

I NEED SOME ADVICE.

WHAT CAN WE DO FOR YOU? CLEAR OUT, SLUT COVEN.

EXCUSE ME?

YOU HEARD ME.

THIS IS MY PARTY. YOU'RE NOT ON THE LIST!

OKAY, WELL, UH, ENJOY YOUR DINNER.

OKAY. IF YOU GUYS TAKE ASHLEY, I'LL PAY FOR YOUR SALADS.

SO... WHERE WERE WE, PETEY LINGUINI?

HEY, SHE JUST CALLED YOU A LIMP NOODLE.

ARE YOU GONNA TAKE THAT?

OH, I KNOW... LET ME READ YOUR PALM.

WHAT?

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THIS SAYS?

THAT I'M UNCOMFORTABLE, BECAUSE I'M UNCOMFORTABLE.

I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS.

HE DOESN'T WANT TO DO THIS.

We should just go.

YOU JUST GOT YOUR HEART BROKEN

BY SOMEONE YOU CARED FOR VERY MUCH.

BUT THE GOOD NEWS IS YOU HAVE A WILLING HEART.

THAT MEANS YOU COULD FALL IN LOVE AGAIN.

I SEE LOTS OF HAPPINESS FOR YOU, PETE DUNVILLE.

THANKS, IRENE.

I HOPE YOU FIND A LOT OF HAPPINESS, TOO.

EXCUSE ME.

IT'S BREADSTICK.

YOU SEE THAT LINE RIGHT THERE?

IT'S YOUR TICKLE LINE.

NO, THERE'S NO SUCH THING AS A TICKLE LINE.

HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE!

BERG, CAN YOU GET ME A CHARDONNAY?

MAKE THAT TWO, BUDDY.

HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE HEE!

YOU GUYS, I'M GONNA WASH MY HANDS.

WILL YOU ORDER SOMETHING FOR ME TO DRINK?

SURE. WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE?

UH, I DON'T CARE... WHATEVER YOU GUYS ARE HAVING.

A ROUND OF BEERS...

SINCE WE'RE BEING FANCY, WE'LL HAVE THEM IN A GLASS.

JOHNNY, I THINK SHARON WOULD LIKE A VODKA STINGER.

OKAY!

I AM THE HUSBAND. I KNOW WHAT'S BEST FOR MY WIFE.

JUST BECAUSE YOU'RE THE HUSBAND

DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN DECIDE FOR HER.

SHE'S A GROWN-UP.

OTHER PEOPLE CAN MAKE HER DECISIONS, TOO.

OKAY.

SO WHAT DID I DECIDE?

WELL, ANYTHING BUT A VODKA STINGER.

OOH! VODKA STINGER! MMM! YUMMY!

I BLAME YOU!

HAVE YOU EVER EVEN HEARD OF A TICKLE LINE?

I HAVEN'T. I'M A DOCTOR.

HOW COULD YOU STAND BEING AROUND ASHLEY?

SHE LET ME SLEEP WITH HER.

CAN I GET A BEER, PLEASE?

WHAT'S WITH PETE?

DID YOU TELL HIM ABOUT YOU AND IRENE SLEEPING TOGETHER?

MMM, NO. I DIDN'T WANT TO RUIN THEIR DATE.

I ALWAYS THOUGHT YOU AND IRENE MADE A BETTER MATCH.

REALLY? YEAH.

I MEAN, NO MATTER HOW WEIRD YOU ACT

OR HOW BIG AN ASS YOU MAKE OF YOURSELF,

IT DOESN'T SEEM TO BOTHER HER.

YOU KNOW, I NEVER THOUGHT OF IT THAT WAY.

THEN AGAIN, WHAT DO I KNOW?

MY WIFE'S ON A DATE WITH ANOTHER WOMAN.

SWEET.

MARTI ALWAYS SAID MY EYES WERE BLUE.

NO, THEY'RE HAZEL.

WELL, SOMETIMES THEY'RE GREEN, DEPENDING ON WHAT I'M WEARING.

I WAS THINKING THAT YOU AND MARTI

MADE A REALLY GOOD COUPLE TOGETHER.

GIVE HER A CALL... SEE IF YOU CAN WORK THINGS OUT.

BERG, TAKE YOUR THIRD-WHEEL SELF AND ROLL ON HOME.

HEY, PETE INVITED ME, SO YOU'RE THE THIRD WHEEL.

BERG, IT'S COOL. I GOT IT COVERED. YOU CAN GO.

A-ARE YOU SURE?

I THOUGHT YOU DIDN'T WANT TO BE ALONE WITH THE, UH...

UNATIC-LAY.

WHAT? WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

HE DOESN'T UNDERSTAND IG-PAY ATIN-LAY.

SERIOUSLY, GUYS, WHAT ARE YOU GUYS TALKING ABOUT?

DON'T MAKE ME SAY IT IN FRONT OF IRENE.

SAY WHAT?

HE'S FRIGHTENED OF YOU. HE DRAGGED ME HERE

BECAUSE HE WAS SCARED TO SIT ALONE WITH YOU.

WHEN YOU'RE DONE STROKING HIS EGO,

HE'S GONNA THROW YOU AWAY

JUST LIKE HE THREW AWAY THAT PLAQUE YOU GAVE HIM.

IS THAT TRUE?

AM I THE UNATIC-LAY?

I THINK SO, BUT AGAIN, I'M NOT REALLY CLEAR ON...

WHY THE HELL WOULD YOU DO THAT?!

WELL, ASHLEY...

I'M NO MORE HAPPY TO SEE YOU,

BUT AT LEAST I'M A LITTLE BUZZED.

ASHLEY WAS JUST TELLING ME ABOUT A NONPROFIT

THAT'S LOOKING FOR A DIRECTOR.

AFTER WE MEET THEM, SIGN UP FOR MY YOGA CLASS.

IT'S A GREAT WAY TO RELIEVE STRESS.

OR WE COULD ELIMINATE THE CAUSE OF STRESS.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

THIS DOESN'T CONCERN YOU, HONEY.

I AM THE HUSBAND, AND I WILL TAKE CARE OF EVERYTHING.

WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT CORPORATE HEADHUNTING?

YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT ME.

FINE. YOU CAN TAKE CARE OF THE JOB.

I WILL TAKE CARE OF STRESS...

STRESS, DIET, AND ANYTHING IN THE HOME.

WHAT DOES THAT LEAVE FOR ME?

WELL, GIRLIE THINGS LIKE MANICURES, DANCING...

FINE, BUT THEN... GUYS, GUYS, GUYS!

COME ON. IT'S NOT LIKE I'M HELPLESS OR ANYTHING.

YES, YOU ARE. YES, YOU ARE.

COME ON! I CAN TAKE CARE OF MYSELF!

OF COURSE YOU CAN, HONEY.

YOU JUST DON'T.

WHAT... WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

I HAVE BEEN LOOKING FOR A JOB ALL WEEK.

I'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR YOUR JOB.

I'VE ONLY BEEN LETTING YOU HELP ME

BECAUSE YOU HAVE NOTHING BETTER TO DO.

WHAT?

YOU THINK I NEED TO FIX YOUR PROBLEMS

IN ORDER TO AVOID THINKING ABOUT MY LIFE

AND HOW EMPTY AND AWFUL AND PATHETIC IT'S BECOME?

I'M GONNA GET DRUNK.

GOOD RIDDANCE.

DON'T YOU WORRY, HONEY.

I WILL DRIVE YOU TO YOGA TOMORROW.

FROM NOW ON I'M MAKING MY OWN DECISIONS

AND FINDING MY OWN JOBS.

I'M TAKING CONTROL OF MY LIFE!

DOES THIS MEAN YOU'RE GONNA PAY FOR DINNER?

YES. HOW DOES THAT WORK? DO THEY BILL US?

IRENE, I'M SORRY!

IRENE, WOULD YOU PLEASE COME OUT?!

WAS IT STORYTIME IN THE LADIES' ROOM?

I HAD TO BOUNCE SOME IDEAS OFF THEM.

IRENE, IRENE, STOP.

LISTEN...

I KNOW YOU'VE BEEN NOTHING BUT SWEET TO ME,

AND I TOOK ADVANTAGE OF THAT, AND I'M SORRY.

WELL, NO.

I MEAN, I HAVE TO TAKE SOME OF THE BLAME

FOR OUR FAILED ROMANCE.

I WENT ABOUT IT ALL WRONG,

WHAT WITH THE CONSTANT CALLING, THE SERENADES,

THOSE NIGHTS I SLEPT UNDER YOUR BED.

WHAT?

SEE, WE'RE ALL ON A JOURNEY, PETE,

AND BECAUSE MINE BROUGHT ME TO YOU,

I THOUGHT YOU WERE MY DESTINY.

YOU SLEPT UNDER MY BED?

SEE? IT'S ALWAYS ABOUT PETE.

THAT'S OUR PROBLEM.

YOU REALIZE YOU HAVEN'T ONCE ASKED ME TONIGHT HOW I AM?

OH.

HOW ARE YOU, IRENE?

I'M GOOD.

IN FACT, I'M BETTER THAN EVER.

MY PETE BUZZ HAS FINALLY WORN OFF.

I FINALLY SEE YOU'RE NOT THE ANSWER TO ALL MY PRAYERS.

I CAN'T BELIEVE I'M GONNA SAY THIS,

BUT, PETE DUNVILLE, I'M BREAKING UP WITH YOU.

I CAN HONESTLY SAY I DIDN'T SEE THIS COMING.

ALL RIGHT. NOW'S NOT THE TIME FOR ANGER.

LET'S... LET'S JUST SAY ONE SWEET GOODBYE

AND CONTINUE ON OUR JOURNEYS.

HOW ABOUT A HANDSHAKE AND I GET A BEER?

GODSPEED. ALL RIGHT.

HEY. HOW YOU DOIN'?

CAN YOU TAKE ME HOME, PLEASE?

YEAH. CAN YOU SIT DOWN JUST FOR A SECOND, THOUGH?

LOOK, IRENE, I'M, UH... I'M SORRY FOR THE WAY I ACTED.

WHEN I SAW YOU WITH PETE, I GOT JEALOUS.

CAN WE GO?

I'M NOT FINISHED YET.

YOU REMEMBER THAT SECRET I TOLD YOU?

YOU MEAN THE "SQUEEZE" TECHNIQUE?

NO.

FLAG CORPS.

WELL, I NEVER TOLD ANYONE THAT BEFORE,

AND I THINK I TOLD YOU BECAUSE YOU'RE DIFFERENT.

IF I HAD A DIME... NO. IRENE...

IT'S JUST THAT I'M SO COMFORTABLE AROUND YOU.

I FEEL LIKE I CAN LET MY GUARD DOWN, BE MYSELF.

AND I KNOW THAT YOU WON'T JUDGE OR HURT ME FOR IT,

AND IT'S 'CAUSE... YOU'RE KIND, IRENE.

YOU'RE KIND AND GIVING, AND THAT MEANS SOMETHING.

I THINK THAT MEANS...

THAT MAYBE THERE'S MORE TO OUR RELATIONSHIP THAN JUST SEX.

SO WHAT DO YOU SAY? HUH?

YOU WANT TO TRY BEING A COUPLE?

BERG, PLEASE DON'T PRESSURE ME. I JUST BROKE UP WITH PETE!

CAN I GET A BEER?

HEY.

WHERE'S YOUR DATE?

SHE DUMPED ME...

AND AFTER ALL THOSE NIGHTS SHE SLEPT UNDER MY BED.

I'D MAKE A COMMENT,

BUT I JUST GOT BLOWN OFF BY A MARRIED COUPLE.

MAYBE IT'S YOUR DESTINY.

WHAT?

IT WAS SOMETHING IRENE WAS BLATHERING ABOUT...

HOW WE'RE ALL ON THIS JOURNEY TO FIND THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE...

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.

EXACTLY.

WHAT?

NOTHING. I JUST THINK YOU TWO MAKE A NICE-LOOKING COUPLE.

BLAH, BLAH, BLAH. BLAH, BLAH, BLAH.