Original subtitles

TONIGHT YOU BE THE RUSSIAN GYMNAST

AND I'LL BE THE OLYMPIC JUDGE.

AND IF YOU WANT A PERFECT SCORE,

WELL, I'M CORRUPTIBLE.

OKAY, THAT SOUNDS GREAT, BUT, OOH, I'VE GOT AN IDEA!

HOW ABOUT I BE A GYMNAST AND, UM, YOU BE PETE?

YOU MEAN, LIKE, A FIREMAN?

YEAH, EXACTLY.

FIREMAN PETE.

HEY, LOOK, IF YOU WANT TO BE WITH PETE SO BAD,

THEN WHY DON'T YOU GO FOR THE REAL THING?

YOU'RE SUCH A GENIUS! UH...

EXCEPT THAT PETE WOULD NEVER CHEAT ON MARTI.

HE WOULDN'T BE CHEATING BECAUSE THEY JUST BROKE UP.

GET OUT!

NO, REALLY. REALLY, THEY JUST BROKE UP.

NO, NO. GET OUT!

WHAT?

NOW!

I HAVE TO BE ALONE, TO THINK AND TO PLAN.

OKAY. ALL RIGHT. FINE, FINE.

I'LL BE FIREMAN PETE.

HELLO, I'M HERE TO SAVE YOU FROM THE FIRE.

YEAH, IT'S OVER.

DEAL WITH IT.

BUT, HEY, YOU DID KEEP MY ENGINE RUNNING,

AND FOR THAT I THANK YOU.

SO THERE I WAS.

I TOLD MY SEX BUDDY, "DEAL WITH IT. IT'S OVER."

YOU THINK MARTI'S AT HOME

TALKING TO HER FRIENDS ABOUT HOW SHE DUMPED ME?

NO, SHE'S WITH NOMAR GARCIA PARRA.

SHE'S FORGOTTEN ALL ABOUT YOU! HA HA HA!

WHOO-HOO! SCORE!

VERY GOOD, JOHNNY,

BUT THE ADULTS ARE TALKING.

YOU KNOW, BERG, I DIDN'T MAKE FUN OF YOU

WHEN ASHLEY STARTED DATING NOMAR.

YEAH, YOU DID.

WELL, NOT IN FRONT OF YOU,

AND I THINK THAT'S THE DIFFERENCE.

WOULD YOU STOP PLAYING WITH YOUR WEDDING RING?

SORRY, MAN.

RING'S UNCOMFORTABLE, YOU KNOW?

I'M NOT USED TO WEARING IT YET.

TAKES A WHILE FOR A DOG

TO GET USED TO HIS COLLAR, TOO.

MAN, THAT HURTS COMING FROM TWO SINGLE GUYS

IN THEIR KITCHEN ON A FRIDAY NIGHT.

IS IT FRIDAY NIGHT AGAIN?

WHAT HAPPENED TO US, HUH?

WE USED TO GO OUT TO CLUBS AND MEET WOMEN EVERY NIGHT.

NO, WE DIDN'T.

WELL, WE USED TO GO OUT TO CLUBS.

SOMETIMES... THERE'D BE WOMEN THERE.

PETE, COME ON, LET'S GO OUT TONIGHT, HUH?

LET'S GO OUT TO A CLUB.

IT'LL BE GOOD TO GET OUT OF THE KITCHEN.

AH, I'M JUST GOING TO STAY HERE WITH JOHNNY.

SOUNDS GOOD TO ME.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

I'M CONTEMPLATING A TORRID AFFAIR

WITH A SWEATY CONSTRUCTION WORKER!

HA HA HA!

WELL, YOU BETTER MAKE IT THAT ONE

'CAUSE HELLO!

I KNOW. I'VE BEEN TRYING

TO GET HIS ATTENTION ALL WEEK.

I'M NOT WEARING A BRA.

OR YOU COULD TRY TALKING TO HIM.

NO, I COULDN'T DO THAT. I WOULDN'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY.

WELL, THINK FAST!

HEY, YOU! MY FRIEND HAS A CRUSH ON YOU!

I AM NEVER TALKING TO YOU AGAIN!

HEY.

SO, YOU HAVE A CRUSH ON ME?

OOH, SORT OF.

THIS IS KIND OF EMBARRASSING.

I'M NOT USUALLY ATTRACTED TO MEN WITH MENIAL JOBS.

EXCUSE ME?

NO, NO, NO! NO, NO, NO!

IT'S JUST THAT, UM, I LIKE INTELLIGENT PEOPLE,

AND YOU JUST DON'T USUALLY FIND THEM ON ROAD CREWS.

I WAS JUST SAYING WHAT WAS ON MY MIND.

MEN USED TO LOVE THAT I WAS HONEST.

JUST TRY BEING NICE.

HEY, I WAS SMILING.

NOT THE SAME!

LOOK, IT DOESN'T MATTER HOW MUCH THE HANGMAN SMILES,

YOU STILL WIND UP DEAD!

WOW! OOH! DON'T YOU LOOK SMASHING!

Both: HA HA HA! THANKS.

YOU LOOK NICE, TOO, BERG.

THANKS.

PETE, I JUST WANT YOU TO KNOW

HOW VERY, VERY, VERY SORRY I WAS

TO HEAR THAT YOU AND MARTI HAVE PARTED WAYS.

THANKS, IRENE. IT'S BEEN KIND OF TOUGH.

MAY SHE DIE A PAINFUL, EARLY DEATH.

SO, IRENE, YOU THINK I LOOK NICE, HUH?

ANYWAY...

IF YOU EVER NEED A SHOULDER TO CRY ON

OR A BRAIN TO INTERACT WITH INSTEAD OF AN EMPTY HEAD...

IRENE, I APPRECIATE IT, I REALLY DO,

BUT I DON'T WANT TO MISLEAD YOU.

BREAKING UP WITH MARTI

DOESN'T MEAN WE'LL EVER GET TOGETHER.

YOU'RE JUST MY NEIGHBOR, AND ALMOST A FRIEND.

THAT'S GOOD ENOUGH FOR ME.

IRENE.

IRENE!

DO YOU REMEMBER THE 2-FOOT RULE?

PETE, UH, JOHNNY'S WAITING.

HEY, BERG, CAN I TALK TO YOU ALONE FOR A SECOND?

UH, YEAH.

WHAT?

HA HA HA! PETE'S NOT READY TO COMMIT,

SO YOU'RE BACK IN!

FORGET IT, IRENE.

WHAT WE HAD WAS CHEAP AND MEANINGLESS,

AND YOU JUST THREW THAT AWAY.

YES, YOU'RE RIGHT.

I AM A WASTEFUL LITTLE WENCH,

AND I NEED TO BE PUNISHED!

STOP IT.

I'LL SEE YOU TONIGHT.

I'M NOT COMING OVER.

OH, THAT'S RIGHT, BABY. PUNISH ME.

COME IN.

HEY, YOU READY?

YEAH. HOW DO I LOOK?

I'D LOSE THE FANNY PACK.

HEY.

HEY. WHERE YOU TAKING MY GUY?

OH, WE'RE GOING TO THAT NEW CLUB, THE LINE.

ONLY THE REAL COOL PEOPLE KNOW ABOUT IT.

PETE, DON'T TELL ME

YOU'RE STEALING COOL PEOPLE'S MAIL AGAIN!

IT SOUNDS LIKE SOMEBODY'S JEALOUS

THAT HER HUSBAND'S GOING OUT

WITH A COUPLE OF CHICK MAGNETS.

HA HA HA!

ALL RIGHT.

I WAS FEELING BAD ABOUT GOING OUT IN THE PARTY PANTS,

BUT NOW YOU'RE JUST GOING TO HAVE TO SUFFER.

HELLO? HA HA HA!

OH, HEY, ASH.

OH, YOU LIKE SOMEONE, HUH?

OH, IT'S NOT GOING WELL, HUH?

UH-HUH.

UH-HUH.

OH.

It was a total nightmare!

UH-HUH.

And this cute guy asks me for directions...

OH, THAT'S A REAL SHAME. I HEAR YOU.

I said sure 'cause I am a nice Ashley...

SON OF A...

ASH, GET DRESSED. WE'RE GOING OUT!

WHAT?

WELL, THEN TAPE "PROVIDENCE"!

WOW. VERY HOT GIRL.

I GUESS PEOPLE DON'T GO OUT AT 7:00 ANYMORE.

Berg: GOOD EVENING, SIR.

ARE YOU ON THE LIST?

WELL, IF YOU'RE REFERRING TO BOSTON'S MOST ELIGIBLE,

THEN, UH, NO, SIR, I'M NOT.

WELL, IT'S EARLY.

I GUESS YOU GUYS CAN COME IN ANYWAY.

20 BUCKS EACH.

OOH! $20?

THAT'S FINE. THAT'S FINE.

IS THAT LIKE A PERMANENT MEMBERSHIP?

DOES THAT INCLUDE FREE DRINKS?

DRINKS ARE $6.

$6?

6 BUCKS FOR A DRINK? WHAT A SCAM!

I KNOW A GREAT PLACE WE CAN GET CHEAP BEERS.

WHEN WE COME BACK HERE, WE WON'T HAVE TO DRINK.

THEY WON'T KNOW WHAT HIT 'EM.

YEAH, THAT MAKES SENSE.

SOUNDS GOOD.

YOU COMING?

NO, WE FORGOT OUR CONDOMS.

HEY, THIS PLACE GREAT OR WHAT?

I GOT ALL THIS FOR 2 BUCKS.

OH, YEAH!

IF ONLY THE BABES WE'RE GOING TO MEET TONIGHT

COULD SEE US NOW, HUH?

JOHNNY. JOHNNY!

YOU PUT ONIONS ON OUR HOT DOG.

SO WHAT'S THE BIG DEAL?

WE'RE HOOKING UP WITH BEAUTIFUL WOMEN.

HOW DOES SHARON FEEL ABOUT ONION BREATH?

SHE HATES IT.

HEY, GUYS.

YOU HAVING A COUPLE OF CURB BREWS

BEFORE YOU COMB FOR BETTYS?

YOU'RE SO OFF THE MARK, I DON'T WANT TO COMMENT.

I'M GETTING KIND OF EXCITED, THOUGH.

YOU AND ME, BACK ON THE PROWL.

I KNOW. IT'S BEEN A WHILE SINCE WE'VE HAD TO CHARM THE LADIES.

THE BOYS OF BOSTON ARE BACK!

COP! COP! COP!

UH, MY BAD. IT'S A TAXI.

UGH. I HATE THESE MEAT MARKETS.

COME ON, ASH. I NEED TO FIND JOHNNY.

YEAH, BUT LOOK AT THAT GUY.

DO YOU THINK HE ACTUALLY LOOKED IN THE MIRROR TONIGHT

AND SAID, "THE MESH TANK TOP... YEAH!"

YOU KNOW, THIS COULD BE A GOOD CHANCE

FOR YOU TO PRACTICE "THE NICE ASHLEY."

FINE.

NICE NIPPLE RING.

HE WAS COURTING YOU. SWEET!

HEY, THERE.

ARE YOU ON THE GUEST LIST?

UH, NO, BUT, YOU SEE,

MY HUSBAND LEFT HIS WEDDING RING AT HOME WHEN HE CAME HERE,

SO I'M JUST GOING TO GO IN, KILL HIM, AND THEN WE'RE OUT.

WELL, YOU LOOK HOT. WHAT THE HECK?

THANKS.

WHAT ABOUT MY FRIEND HERE?

YEAH, SOURPUSS CAN COME IN, TOO.

HEY, THIS IS A LONG LINE. THIS IS A HOT CLUB.

HEY! NIPPLE RING.

NICE!

YOU KNOW, UM, I-I WAS GOING TO GET ONE OF THOSE.

INSTEAD I, UH, I WENT FOR THE WATCH.

HEY, GUYS, GUYS,

LET ME DO THE TALKING, ALL RIGHT?

YOU KNOW WHAT?

THE LAST TIME YOU SAID ANYTHING,

WE LOST THREE BEERS, ALL RIGHT?

JUST LAY LOW. WE'LL TAKE CARE OF YOU.

HI, THERE. HI. REMEMBER US?

SURE. YOU WERE HERE WHEN YOU COULD'VE GOTTEN IN.

THAT'S A GOOD ONE.

DO NOT TOUCH THE ROPE!

MAN, YOU NEVER TOUCH THE ROPE.

ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW WHAT? LET ME HANDLE THIS.

HI.

UH, MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL FAN?

YEAH.

RED SOX SHORTSTOP NOMAR GARCIA PARRA...

HEARD OF HIM?

YEAH.

YEAH, YEAH, WELL, HERE'S THE THING.

MY GIRLFRIEND DUMPED ME FOR HIM, SO...

YOU'VE GOT A LOT TO LEARN ABOUT NAME-DROPPING.

LOOK, WHY DON'T YOU JUST LET US IN, HUH?

WHAT DO YOU SAY?

ARE YOU WITH HIM?

NO CHANCE.

TOO BAD. COME ON IN, GERM.

MAN, YOU GOT TO HAVE THE THREADS.

SHARON, WE'RE NEVER GOING TO FIND JOHNNY.

LET'S JUST GET OUT OF HERE.

NO, I'M NOT LEAVING UNTIL I FIND HIM

AND RAM THIS SYMBOL OF OUR LOVE DOWN HIS THROAT.

OH, HEY, HEY, HEY, HEY.

I THINK THAT GUY IS HEADED MY WAY.

OKAY, OKAY, REMEMBER... NICE.

HEY, EXCUSE ME.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO APOLOGIZE. I NOTICED YOU, TOO.

I'M KIND OF IN A HURRY.

OH, TIGER, BUY ME A DRINK FIRST.

LADY, MOVE!

DO YOU HAVE ANY OTHER HUMILIATING SUGGESTIONS?

TRY NOT TO ACT SO DESPERATE.

I WANT TO MEET A MAN!

YOU'RE JUST A LITTLE UPTIGHT.

YES, OF COURSE I'M UPTIGHT. I'M UNCOMFORTABLE.

HOW WOULD YOU FEEL IF YOU WERE AT THE BAR

AND NOBODY NOTICED YOU?

YOU WANT TO BE NOTICED? ALL RIGHT. THEN COME ON.

WAIT. WHERE ARE WE GOING?

WE'RE GOING TO DANCE. NO, NO. I DON'T REALLY DO THAT.

YEAH, I DON'T REALLY CARE.

HEY, SWEET THINGS.

OKAY, JUST LISTEN TO THE MUSIC.

DO WHAT I DO, OKAY?

OKAY, THAT'S GREAT.

LET'S JUST TRY IT WITHOUT THE BOARD UP YOUR BUTT.

I'M SORRY. I TOLD YOU. I DON'T REALLY DANCE.

COME HERE. JUST LOOSEN UP.

WHOO!

Man: YEAH!

WHOA.

Woman: WHOO-HOO!

YEAH, THEY LOVE ME, THEY LOVE ME!

DOES IT GET ANY LOWER THAN THIS?

WELL, LET'S SEE. WE'RE DRINKING IN A GUTTER.

I DON'T KNOW.

I'M HAVING A GOOD TIME WITH MY BUDDIES...

SITTING BACK, ENJOYING A FEW, HAVING SOME LAUGHS.

GENTLEMEN, TO A PERFECT EVENING.

YEAH, FORGET ABOUT IT.

EW... EW, EW, EW, EW, EW.

THERE'S A BANDAGE IN MY HOT DOG.

OH, OH, OH, OH, OH!

BERG, BERG, THROW THIS AWAY FOR ME.

OH, NO!

HEY, HEY, HEY, DON'T THROW IT OUT.

JUST BREAK OFF THE END.

BOY, YOU ARE HAVING A GOOD NIGHT.

IT AIN'T OVER YET.

AFTER THIS, I GET TO GO HOME TO MY GORGEOUS WIFE,

AND IF I PLAY MY CARDS RIGHT, SHE'LL LET ME PLAY WITH...

MY RING!

I LOST MY RING. SHARON IS GOING TO KILL ME.

MAN, AREN'T YOU GLAD

YOU DON'T HAVE TO GO HOME TO SOMEBODY

WAITING THERE TO TEAR YOUR HEAD OFF?

NOT REALLY.

ME NEITHER.

WELL, LET'S GO HOME.

YEAH.

OH, TAXI!

LOOK AT ALL THESE PHONE NUMBERS.

WHICH ONES ARE YOU GOING TO CALL?

NONE. I'M GOING TO SELL THEM TO A TELEMARKETER.

WAIT A SECOND.

I THOUGHT YOU WANTED GUYS FAWNING ALL OVER YOU.

YEAH, I THOUGHT I DID, TOO, BUT AS I WAS WRITHING AROUND

ON THAT BEER-SOAKED DANCE FLOOR I REALIZED...

MR. RIGHT PROBABLY WASN'T ONE OF THE GUYS

YELLING AT ME TO TAKE OFF MY TOP.

ASH, YOU'RE NOT GOING TO FIND MR. RIGHT IN SOME CLUB.

I MEAN, ALL THOSE GUYS ARE SO DESPERATE AND LONELY.

YOU NEED A GUY WHO'S GOT CHARACTER...

WHO'S STRONG ENOUGH TO WITHSTAND

THE CONSTANT NAGGING.

WELL, THERE JUST AREN'T A LOT OF JOHNNYS OUT THERE.

YEAH. GUESS I'M LUCKY.

YOU PROBABLY WANT TO GET DOWN THERE AND KILL HIM.

GOT THAT RIGHT. GOOD NIGHT.

HONEY... THANK GOD YOU'RE HOME.

THERE WAS THREE OF THEM, AND THEY JUMPED ME,

AND THEY DIDN'T WANT MY WATCH OR MY WALLET.

THEY JUST WANTED MY WEDDING RING.

OH, THANK GOD. YOU BOUGHT IT BACK.

I LOVE YOU.

HOW COME?

BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT?

WHEN I WAS OUT I REALIZED THAT THERE ARE

A LOT OF LONELY DESPERATE PEOPLE OUT THERE,

AND I'M NOT ONE OF THEM,

SO IF YOU DON'T WANT TO WEAR YOUR WEDDING RING,

THAT'S FINE.

THE IMPORTANT THING IS THAT YOU'RE MINE.

OH, HONEY, THIS IS SO NICE.

I WAS WORRIED THAT... HEY, YOU WENT OUT?

OH, YEAH, YEAH... TO FIND YOU...

BUT THEN ASHLEY AND I

WOUND UP DANCING WITH, LIKE, 50 GUYS.

YOU KNOW, I'D FORGOTTEN HOW SINGLE GUYS

KEEP THEMSELVES IN SUCH GOOD SHAPE.

BOY, IT WAS FUN,

AND I WOULD'VE NEVER GONE OUT

HAD YOU NOT FORGOTTEN YOUR WEDDING RING.

YOU KNOW WHAT?

I THINK I'M GOING TO WEAR THIS THING FROM NOW ON.

OH, BABY, THAT'S OKAY. I TRUST YOU.

HALF THOSE GUYS WERE MARRIED.

HEY, LOOK AT THAT, HUH? IT REALLY DRESSES UP A HAND.

OH, YEAH. IT DOES LOOK NICE.

OH, YOU KNOW WHO HAD A REALLY NICE RING? CHUCK.

I'M GOING TO HEAR ABOUT THIS FOR A LONG TIME, AREN'T I?

UNTIL DEATH DO US PART.

YEAH.

HEY, YOU KNOW, THAT WASN'T SUCH A BAD NIGHT.

WE MET A COUPLE OF LADIES.

WHO CARES IF THEY WERE COPS?

HEY, YOU KNOW, MINE GAVE ME HER BADGE NUMBER.

SHOULD WE CALL THEM?

NO. I THINK WE SHOULD PLAY IT COOL.

WAIT TO SEE THEM AT THE HEARING.

THE BOYS OF BOSTON ARE BACK, THOUGH, RIGHT?

RIGHT. WHOO!

HEY, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

TO MARTI'S TO BEG HER TO TAKE ME BACK.

HEY, COME ON. LOOK, DON'T DO THAT, ALL RIGHT?

MARTI NEVER WANTS TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

SHE'S IN LOVE WITH ANOTHER MAN.

LOTS OF COUPLES HAVE PROBLEMS.

OH, STOP IT. LISTEN, I KNOW YOU'RE HURTING,

AND I KNOW THAT IT'S HARD, OKAY?

BUT YOU CAN'T JUST GO CRAWLING BACK TO SOMEBODY

WITH YOUR HAT IN YOUR HAND, YOU KNOW?

YOU DESERVE TO BE WITH SOMEONE

WHO CARES ABOUT YOU AS MUCH AS YOU CARE ABOUT THEM, PETE,

SO JUST STAY STRONG.

I'M GOING TO BE RIGHT HERE WITH YOU.

THANKS. YOU'RE RIGHT.

MAN, I WISH I HAD YOUR STRENGTH.

DON'T WE ALL.

GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT, PETE.

YOU PUT ONIONS ON OUR HOT DOG.

YOU PUT ONIONS ON OUR HOT DOG.

THERE'S A BANDAGE IN MY HOT DOG!

THERE'S A BANDAGE IN MY HOT DOG!